Latest / She Rises with Ashy & Tijana / 263. The Relationship Feelings We All Have (But Rarely Admit)

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263. The Relationship Feelings We All Have (But Rarely Admit) · She Rises with Ashy & Tijana

0:05
Speaker 1: Apodjay Production. Welcome to the shep Rises Podcast. I'm Ashley
0:13
Speaker 1: and I'm Siana.
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Speaker 2: This podcast is about female empowerment and encouraging you to
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Speaker 2: be your biggest, boldest, and most authentic version of yourself.
0:20
Speaker 1: We help you shed the shame, grow to a new level.
0:23
Speaker 1: We're gonna laugh, cry, and talk about the topics everyone
0:26
Speaker 1: else is too afraid to talk about.
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Speaker 2: Get ready for your next level of self.
0:31
Speaker 1: Hello everybody, Welcome back to she Rises. Today we're talking
0:33
Speaker 1: about relationships and we're going to be very vulnerable. I
0:38
Speaker 1: think what we talk about today is going to be
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Speaker 1: very relatable for a lot of couples, whether you're in
0:42
Speaker 1: a short term relationship, not short term, but like a
0:44
Speaker 1: new relations new relationship or long term. And it's a
0:47
Speaker 1: little scary to talk about.
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Speaker 2: It is, but it's very vulnerable, very open, and just
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Speaker 2: we want to normalize the things that can come up
0:52
Speaker 2: for you in a relationship, whether it's new or long
0:54
Speaker 2: term one, and how it doesn't make you wrong if
0:57
Speaker 2: you do feel things that make you feel a bit
0:59
Speaker 2: ooh when you see them.
1:00
Speaker 1: We're all about you're not wronging ourselves for feeling something,
1:03
Speaker 1: and it's okay to feel something It doesn't mean you
1:05
Speaker 1: have to action it, change anything, or fix it. It's
1:08
Speaker 1: just a feeling in a moment and it too shall pass.
1:11
Speaker 2: That's right, and being able to acknowledge it talk about
1:13
Speaker 2: it also helps us as females at least dissolve it
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Speaker 2: and squash that thing for good, and then you can
1:18
Speaker 2: move on.
1:18
Speaker 1: So before we get into the juiciness, because we both
1:20
Speaker 1: can be talking about our relationships, which we don't do often.
1:24
Speaker 1: What's your share of the week?
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Speaker 2: Mine is actually a quote by a guy named Shane Kolner.
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Speaker 2: I believe he talks about conscious love and dating coach
1:32
Speaker 2: basically online, and I've been having this conversation recently about
1:36
Speaker 2: the difference between loving the bad boy versus the guy
1:38
Speaker 2: who is good for your heart.
1:39
Speaker 1: Love this conversation and this is about that.
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Speaker 2: So it says a woman should not have to lower
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Speaker 2: her standards or settle for a man who doesn't ignite attraction,
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Speaker 2: And yet she may often feel that she is forced
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Speaker 2: to choose between a man who excites her and a
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Speaker 2: man who is committed, ready with the emotional depth and
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Speaker 2: capacity for connection that she actually craves. Still, this external
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Speaker 2: struggle is often reflecting her own internal conflict, and by
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Speaker 2: creating balance within, she can prepare herself to attract a
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Speaker 2: partner who meets all of her deepest needs. I really
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Speaker 2: like this topic because it's something that I've struggled with
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Speaker 2: over the years of choosing somebody who is not good
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Speaker 2: for me versus the person who is actually good for me,
2:16
Speaker 2: and that came from my deepest wounds of insecurities and
2:18
Speaker 2: also worthiness as well. So I love this conversation about
2:21
Speaker 2: not having to settle, acknowledging the part of you who
2:24
Speaker 2: maybe wants the more bad boy kind of guarden yeah,
2:28
Speaker 2: versus you know, you actually being in a relationship with
2:31
Speaker 2: somebody who's ready to give you what you need. I
2:33
Speaker 2: think it's a huge conversation.
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Speaker 1: Yeah, that is mine is something that I saved off
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Speaker 1: doctor Caroline Leaf's profile. She is a relationship psychologist. I
2:42
Speaker 1: think it's stress languages. So everyone talks about love languages.
2:46
Speaker 1: These are stress languages, the language of survival, not intimacy.
2:50
Speaker 1: We talk a lot about love languages how we connect
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Speaker 1: when things feel safe, but what about when we're not okay?
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Speaker 1: There's a different kind of language that shows up under pressure,
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Speaker 1: built on avoidance, control, shut down, and reaction. Let's explore
3:01
Speaker 1: six patterns we fall into when we're overwhelmed on how
3:04
Speaker 1: to change them. The first one is the fixer, which
3:06
Speaker 1: means I don't feel safe until there's a solution. They
3:09
Speaker 1: rush into action to regain control. You avoid emotional stillness
3:13
Speaker 1: by staying busy, solve problems for certainty, not connection, and
3:17
Speaker 1: what this actually protects is dopamine driven urgency logic takes
3:21
Speaker 1: over to suppress emotional processing. And if you always feel
3:24
Speaker 1: you need to fix it, ask yourself what feels unsafe
3:26
Speaker 1: about just letting it be. Next one the freezer. Everything
3:30
Speaker 1: feels too much, so I shut down. You become emotionally numb,
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Speaker 1: mentally blank. You appear calm, but it's collapse, not peace.
3:37
Speaker 1: You disconnect from others and also from yourself. What this
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Speaker 1: actually protects the bodies freeze response. When the world feels unmanageable,
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Speaker 1: stillness is the safest choice. You're not lazy, You're protecting
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Speaker 1: yourself from too much, and the first step out is
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Speaker 1: noticing that you've gone still. The next one is the fighter.
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Speaker 1: If I push hard enough, I stay in control. You
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Speaker 1: react fast and sharp. You struggle to feel safe without
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Speaker 1: having full control, and your anger hides fear confidence. What
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Speaker 1: this actually protects is hyper arousal mass vulnerability. Anger can
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Speaker 1: feel safer than fear, and conflict feels more secure than silence.
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Speaker 1: Oh that sounds chaotic. You're not too much. Your nervous
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Speaker 1: system is on high alert. You don't have to fight
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Speaker 1: everything to feel safe. Next one, the flear I disappear
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Speaker 1: so I don't have to deal with it, So you
4:28
Speaker 1: escape into business screens or fantasy. You delay all the
4:31
Speaker 1: hard conversations. You're physically present, but emotionally you're not there.
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Speaker 1: Avoidance is self preservation when confrontation feels dangerous and distance
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Speaker 1: feels like safety. Sometimes leaving feels safer than staying, but
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Speaker 1: the moment always waits for your return. And next one,
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Speaker 1: the pleas are if I make everyone happy, maybe you'll
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Speaker 1: be okay. Shape shifts to match the room. You overapologize
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Speaker 1: even when it's not your fault. Ushuln't to others feelings,
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Speaker 1: but tune out of yourself. What this actually protects. Appeasement
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Speaker 1: is protection pleasing others. It's a false sense of safety
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Speaker 1: when authenticity often at once felt dangerous. You're not a
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Speaker 1: reflection of how others feel about you. You get to
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Speaker 1: exist even when someone is upset. The suppressor. There's quite
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Speaker 1: a few here. These are really interesting, the suppressor. If
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Speaker 1: I don't let it out, I'll stay in control. You
5:22
Speaker 1: stay calm by locking it all down. You never cry
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Speaker 1: in front of anyone. You believe strength means silence. What
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Speaker 1: this actually protects? Suppression feels safer than release. When vulnerability
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Speaker 1: is punished or unsafe, composure becomes a survival strategy. It's
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Speaker 1: not weakness to feel the pressure builds, whether you speak
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Speaker 1: it or not. Which one are you?
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Speaker 2: Oh?
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Speaker 1: What do you think you relate to most?
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Speaker 2: The first one, which was straight into action, the fix
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Speaker 2: to gain a sense of control.
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Speaker 1: I think I'm in the fixer too.
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Speaker 2: Ask me this question. A couple of years ago, I
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Speaker 2: would have related to the pleaser, But now, in this
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Speaker 2: current moment, I feel like I relate the most with
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Speaker 2: the fixer.
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Speaker 1: I think I relate to the fixer. And then maybe
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Speaker 1: the freeze.
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Speaker 2: Like, yeah, can you send me that I love? That?
6:03
Speaker 1: Isn't it cool?
6:03
Speaker 2: Let's have a deep conversation about that later. Yes, anyway,
6:07
Speaker 2: today's conversation is going to be real, raw and vulnerable
6:10
Speaker 2: about what we are both navigating and currently have been
6:14
Speaker 2: navigating in our both of our relationships. I am in
6:17
Speaker 2: a brand new relationship of about six months. It's very beautiful.
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Speaker 2: He's an incredible man, and I'm just having a great
6:23
Speaker 2: time being a Gemini though being a Gemini and actually
6:27
Speaker 2: is in an eighteen year relationship and has been with
6:29
Speaker 2: Steve for a long time. It's so so beautiful. And
6:33
Speaker 2: we were having this conversation the other day about how
6:35
Speaker 2: as I'm in a new relationship, I am noticing, and
6:39
Speaker 2: I have noticed this over the last six months, the
6:41
Speaker 2: part of me that really wants to run away. I've
6:43
Speaker 2: had good relationships in the past, However, my last relationship
6:46
Speaker 2: was the one that rocked me the most. And if
6:49
Speaker 2: you haven't listened to that episode, I do a full
6:50
Speaker 2: breakdown in a previous episode about that relationship, so you
6:53
Speaker 2: can go have a listen to that. However, I created
6:56
Speaker 2: the most wounds from that relationship since then. I remember
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Speaker 2: telling myself after that, I don't want anybody in my life,
7:02
Speaker 2: like I don't want to bring anybody in. I don't
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Speaker 2: have the time capacity. I'm not open to kind of
7:07
Speaker 2: meeting somebody new and like actually building something sustainable. And
7:10
Speaker 2: then this man comes into my life. Hedday my door,
7:14
Speaker 2: and here I am finding myself in a relationship. And
7:17
Speaker 2: throughout that journey, I've definitely noticed moments where yeah, I
7:21
Speaker 2: want to run away. And it's just this part of
7:23
Speaker 2: me that almost feels the way that I justified in
7:26
Speaker 2: my head I suppose and have over the last six months,
7:29
Speaker 2: is it's just easy to be on my own. Yeah,
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Speaker 2: Like it'll be easy to be on my own. I
7:33
Speaker 2: don't have to consider somebody else. I don't have to
7:36
Speaker 2: worry about what it is that I'm doing and making
7:38
Speaker 2: sure that it's respectful and making sure that I'm honoring
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Speaker 2: this person, which is easy comes easy for me when
7:43
Speaker 2: I'm in a relationship, but sometimes I just want to
7:46
Speaker 2: be selfish. And being in this relationship, there have been
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Speaker 2: times where I've had to really face myself and my patterns,
7:53
Speaker 2: my behaviors and things like that that we talk about
7:56
Speaker 2: that you don't get to see your face when you're
7:58
Speaker 2: not in a relationship. Parts of myself that are still avoidant,
8:02
Speaker 2: parts of myself that are still inconsistent, So myself that
8:06
Speaker 2: still have high highs and low lows and all of
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Speaker 2: these different components to like myself. Also my star sign
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Speaker 2: and also my personal traits. Love the star signs right,
8:15
Speaker 2: because my star sign is a Gemini, and a huge
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Speaker 2: value of mine is freedom and also variety, and they
8:21
Speaker 2: tie into each other and in that freedom, like, I
8:24
Speaker 2: don't like anything that makes me feel like it's clipped
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Speaker 2: my wings or that I'm like being bogged down. So
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Speaker 2: any moment that I feel like that kind of constraint,
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Speaker 2: which I don't, by the way, and it's not him,
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Speaker 2: it's not him, it's perceived constraint or perceived where I
8:40
Speaker 2: can't do something that I want.
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Speaker 1: Because he is so supportive and wants you to do
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Speaker 1: all the things and consistently reassures you in that. But
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Speaker 1: it's like sometimes you just want to go home and
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Speaker 1: get stuck into work, but he wants to see you.
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Speaker 1: You're like, oh my god, I have this to do,
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Speaker 1: and now I feel like I have to be with you,
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Speaker 1: and I want to be with.
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Speaker 2: Your obligation to then do that. And also take into
8:58
Speaker 2: consideration that you know, if we're both in a hustle
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Speaker 2: season and we don't spend that time together, that creates disconnect.
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Speaker 2: So it's keeping all these things in the forefront. I
9:06
Speaker 2: also want to preface that this relationship is so fucking beautiful,
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Speaker 2: the most healing, beautiful relationship that I probably have ever
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Speaker 2: been in my life. The communication is unlike anything I've
9:18
Speaker 2: ever experienced. He's so considerate, so caring, so kind, so loving,
9:22
Speaker 2: and honestly like has never made me feel like my
9:25
Speaker 2: wings eclipped to by any means. But this little Gemini
9:28
Speaker 2: over here likes to get braddy sometimes and likes to
9:32
Speaker 2: do what I want to do when I want to do,
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Speaker 2: without having to ask anybody to do it.
9:35
Speaker 1: Yes. And when Tianna brought this into me, there was
9:38
Speaker 1: a little bit of guilt and shame, and I wanted
9:41
Speaker 1: to reassure her that I think she's human and she's
9:43
Speaker 1: allowed to feel different things. And just because you're in
9:46
Speaker 1: a beautiful relationship, it doesn't mean you don't have your
9:48
Speaker 1: own experiences, feelings. And it's someone that's been with someone
9:50
Speaker 1: for eighteen years. I still have moments like that. I'm
9:53
Speaker 1: a Sagitarian, and our star signs are very similar. But
9:55
Speaker 1: the Sagitarian's number one value is freedom. If anyone tries
9:59
Speaker 1: to tie us down and tell us what to do,
10:01
Speaker 1: restrict us from doing something, it makes us want it more. Yeah,
10:04
Speaker 1: and Steve's knowing that from the start. I am a
10:06
Speaker 1: freedom lover. I love variety. I love just do my thing.
10:09
Speaker 1: And I have two beautiful children and a beautiful husband,
10:12
Speaker 1: and there's still times I don't want to have to
10:14
Speaker 1: rush home to take over the kids. I want to
10:16
Speaker 1: just go out to dinner and go out to dinner
10:18
Speaker 1: and not have to ask. And it's not that I
10:20
Speaker 1: have to like ask, like, oh Dan, can I have
10:22
Speaker 1: to dinner? And it's just out of considerations. Of course,
10:24
Speaker 1: just went out for dinner and didn't tell me, I'd
10:26
Speaker 1: be like, excuse me, you don't help me with bath tonight.
10:29
Speaker 1: It's what you do when you're a married couple and
10:31
Speaker 1: you have children, you have other people to consider. And yes,
10:34
Speaker 1: I decide to have children.
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Speaker 2: I love.
10:35
Speaker 1: I wouldn't change for the world. But there is five
10:38
Speaker 1: percent of me sometimes maybe ten, that sometimes wants to
10:41
Speaker 1: just yeah, not rush home, or like even Steve said
10:44
Speaker 1: to me when I came out from Bali, He's like,
10:46
Speaker 1: did you feel like you had enough time over there?
10:48
Speaker 1: Or do you have like to stay longer? And I
10:50
Speaker 1: said fifty to fifty If I'm being honest, I said, yes,
10:53
Speaker 1: I miss you and the kids every single day, and
10:55
Speaker 1: I love you. Guys so much and I was have
10:58
Speaker 1: a jolly all time with my best friend, just worry
11:00
Speaker 1: about what I was going to wear out for dinner.
11:02
Speaker 1: It's fucking fantastic, if I'm being honest. The freedom of
11:06
Speaker 1: being on the back of a bike and not having
11:08
Speaker 1: to be anywhere at any time. This is after the retreat, obviously,
11:12
Speaker 1: it really feels good. And I think it gets to
11:15
Speaker 1: all coexists, and I think so many I'll just speak
11:18
Speaker 1: on behalf of mums. So many mums or people that
11:21
Speaker 1: are married or in relationships sometimes missed the old life
11:25
Speaker 1: of being able to do whatever you want, whenever you want,
11:27
Speaker 1: without having to consider someone. And we wanted to bring
11:29
Speaker 1: this in here. I'm sure I'm going to cop a
11:32
Speaker 1: shit ton of you're a bad mum and a bad wife,
11:34
Speaker 1: blah blah blah, Sush Karen, But a lot of us
11:37
Speaker 1: feel that it's there's shame there, because shame thrives in secrecy.
11:41
Speaker 1: But I guarantee a lot of mums listen to this like,
11:43
Speaker 1: oh my god, me too. I wish I could just
11:45
Speaker 1: go do that. I didn't have to pick the kids
11:48
Speaker 1: up and do all these things and just be me
11:50
Speaker 1: for a moment.
11:50
Speaker 2: And also not normalizing, but also just allowing it to
11:53
Speaker 2: be seen and heard that part of you that does
11:55
Speaker 2: want to run away when things get uncomfortable. Yeah, you know, Like,
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Speaker 2: for an example, we just recently went to Bali, right
12:01
Speaker 2: and you know, we're in a new relationship. It's been
12:03
Speaker 2: about six months or so, and every time I go away,
12:07
Speaker 2: I have to almost like remind myself consciously that I
12:10
Speaker 2: have to stay plugged in and check in with him,
12:12
Speaker 2: so I'm not physically here with him, And like, as
12:15
Speaker 2: we're busy and get more busy and we have more
12:17
Speaker 2: things to focus on, more projects, more responsibilities, sometimes it's
12:20
Speaker 2: like not in the forefront of my mind to check in.
12:23
Speaker 2: And it was something that was slipping in the first
12:25
Speaker 2: time we went away, and then it was a conversation
12:27
Speaker 2: of like, hey, you're not checking in as much like
12:29
Speaker 2: is everything okay? Are we good? That sort of thing.
12:32
Speaker 2: But now, even when we went to Bali the last time,
12:35
Speaker 2: I made a conscious effort to have to stay plugged in.
12:38
Speaker 2: But it's one of those things that sometimes I'm like, oh,
12:41
Speaker 2: this is one of those things where I have to
12:42
Speaker 2: make a conscious effort to stay plugged in. And I
12:44
Speaker 2: also very much choose to be here, but it's like
12:47
Speaker 2: sometimes in those moments, it's like, oh, I want to
12:49
Speaker 2: be like ultimately selfish and just live my life and
12:52
Speaker 2: then come back when I'm ready, which is also the
12:54
Speaker 2: Gemini in me, which can be quite like flighty and
12:58
Speaker 2: off on my own adventure and off on my own journey.
13:00
Speaker 2: But I'll always come back so long as you don't
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Speaker 2: click my wings or make me feel like I'm in
13:03
Speaker 2: a cage. This is actually conversations that I've actually brought
13:06
Speaker 2: up with him, and as just the way that I
13:09
Speaker 2: guess I have been over the years. Don't know if
13:11
Speaker 2: this is related to my star sign or not, or
13:13
Speaker 2: just how I've been that when I feel like I
13:16
Speaker 2: need to make a decision, I go inward and I
13:20
Speaker 2: think about it, and I think about it and I
13:22
Speaker 2: think about it, and then I feel like I have
13:23
Speaker 2: a responsibility to make a decision in this, and then
13:27
Speaker 2: I do it on my own because I feel like
13:28
Speaker 2: I've relied on myself for so many years for so
13:31
Speaker 2: many things that now when I have a partner with me,
13:34
Speaker 2: I forget that I can come in and I can
13:36
Speaker 2: do that with him. And so even when I've had
13:39
Speaker 2: these moments of feeling like I want to run away
13:41
Speaker 2: or quote unquote, you know life could be easier if
13:43
Speaker 2: I were just on my own. It's something I actually
13:46
Speaker 2: bring into him when I'm feeling that, and what's been
13:48
Speaker 2: really healing for me is that he can hold me
13:50
Speaker 2: in it. He literally says that, thank you so much
13:53
Speaker 2: for bringing this into me. As somebody who's been there myself,
13:55
Speaker 2: I totally understand where you're at, and it just it
13:58
Speaker 2: dissolves the shame and the moment I come into Ashulely
14:00
Speaker 2: and I share a little micro a moment of hey,
14:02
Speaker 2: I feel like I want to run away. Things for
14:03
Speaker 2: really hard right now, or things feel really uncomfortable. What
14:07
Speaker 2: I'm seeing in myself is like hard to look at.
14:09
Speaker 2: You also reassure me of like, hey, I feel like
14:11
Speaker 2: that sometimes too. Boom.
14:12
Speaker 1: The shame dissolves, not as big as what we make
14:14
Speaker 1: it out to me, that's right.
14:16
Speaker 2: And in those moments when I feel like I want
14:18
Speaker 2: to run away, I feel like I want to lean out,
14:20
Speaker 2: or I'm feeling a little bit avoidant, the moment that
14:22
Speaker 2: I bring that into that person, I don't feel as bad.
14:26
Speaker 2: But then when I'm doing it on my own, the
14:28
Speaker 2: shame gets bigger, and then I feel guilty for feeling
14:31
Speaker 2: like a bad partner because I'm like, well, you shouldn't
14:34
Speaker 2: feel like this in a relationship, Like if you feel
14:35
Speaker 2: like this, why you even here. But the reality is
14:38
Speaker 2: like two truths can coexist and you can feel very
14:42
Speaker 2: much like you want to be in something and a
14:44
Speaker 2: part of you still be scared. Because if I'm totally
14:47
Speaker 2: honest with myself, there have been thoughts that have come
14:50
Speaker 2: up for me of like is this too good to
14:51
Speaker 2: be true? And he's just helped me like dissolve all
14:55
Speaker 2: of those wounds and those fears, But it doesn't mean
14:57
Speaker 2: they don't come up. I'm still a human. I still
15:00
Speaker 2: have twenty eight years worth of trauma and like past
15:02
Speaker 2: experiences that have impacted the way that I show in relationships.
15:06
Speaker 2: So I'd be ignorant to think that the part of
15:08
Speaker 2: me that wants to run away isn't going to show up.
15:11
Speaker 2: It's just not making it wrong when.
15:12
Speaker 1: It does, definitely, And it's also getting to know what
15:15
Speaker 1: each partner needs, Like just going back to the holiday thing, yeah,
15:18
Speaker 1: because we had different experiences there with Steve. That's right
15:21
Speaker 1: Grant Now, it's like Grant likes to stay really plugged
15:24
Speaker 1: into you as you a Gemini freedom will like you
15:27
Speaker 1: could leave it a day or how many hours and
15:29
Speaker 1: you still feel fine. Steve's like you in that sense,
15:32
Speaker 1: whereas I like to plug in a little bit more so.
15:34
Speaker 1: I had to have that conversation with Steve and he's like,
15:36
Speaker 1: I'm just setting you have your girls. I'm like, you
15:38
Speaker 1: don't have to call me and checking all the time,
15:40
Speaker 1: Like no, no, no, I want you to call me. I
15:42
Speaker 1: want to still feel like you want to, like know
15:44
Speaker 1: how my day's gone. He's like, kid, but I don't
15:45
Speaker 1: want to be like on your back and I don't
15:47
Speaker 1: want to be free and go enjoy your Sagittarian freedom,
15:50
Speaker 1: enjoy I'm like, yes, I want that, but I also
15:52
Speaker 1: want you. It's like communicating and understanding that not taking
15:56
Speaker 1: it personally too. And I think Grant's learning that with
15:59
Speaker 1: you as well, that just because you're not as plugged
16:01
Speaker 1: in his home, you're still there. Yes, you still want
16:04
Speaker 1: to be there, you still love you, You're still nothing's wrong,
16:06
Speaker 1: nothing's wrongs. Easy for a anxious person to make something up.
16:10
Speaker 1: If I'm not plugged in, something must be wrong, or
16:12
Speaker 1: if they don't reply how they normally reply what have
16:15
Speaker 1: I done? Yes, and like you get it avoidant.
16:17
Speaker 2: Yes, you get like a little bit of a shorter reply,
16:19
Speaker 2: and then it's like, oh shit, what's happened?
16:21
Speaker 1: Yeah, something's wrong.
16:23
Speaker 2: That troup was really good for me because I made
16:25
Speaker 2: it more of a conscious effort to show up and
16:27
Speaker 2: he was super happy with receiving that. So now I know,
16:30
Speaker 2: like that's the amount of effort that actually feels really
16:31
Speaker 2: good for him in a relationship. And it also teaches
16:34
Speaker 2: me and the part of me that can be quite
16:36
Speaker 2: avoidant and dip in and out to stay consistent, yeah,
16:39
Speaker 2: because it's like a relationship is built on consistency, and
16:41
Speaker 2: I definitely have a part of me that can dip
16:43
Speaker 2: in and out based on how I feel, be inconsistent,
16:46
Speaker 2: avoidant part of me Gemini airy fairy want to do
16:48
Speaker 2: whatever the fuck I want to do and have two
16:49
Speaker 2: sides that exists at all points, you know. So it's
16:52
Speaker 2: learning how to navigate all that without making decisions based
16:56
Speaker 2: on those emotions and feelings.
16:58
Speaker 1: That's one of the things you want to talk about,
16:59
Speaker 1: just to normalize different emotions and feelings that come off
17:02
Speaker 1: relationship and to not wrong yourself for it, because I
17:04
Speaker 1: don't look Tiana when she comes to me with this
17:06
Speaker 1: and think anything's wrong with it, and even myself when
17:08
Speaker 1: I have those moments where I'm like, I would love
17:09
Speaker 1: to not have to rush home to the kids, like
17:12
Speaker 1: you know, on a Saturday morning, and I could go
17:14
Speaker 1: for a walk in training, and like maybe I want
17:16
Speaker 1: to go for a smoothie too. I want to go
17:17
Speaker 1: home like Tash is footy, which I want to go to.
17:19
Speaker 1: But it's not restriction, that's the wrong word. But sometimes
17:24
Speaker 1: as a mum and as a wife, you are considering
17:26
Speaker 1: everyone else in your dynamic, and like I said, I
17:28
Speaker 1: would not change it. Don't anyone twist my words. It's
17:30
Speaker 1: just sometimes I'd like to feel a little bit more
17:33
Speaker 1: free and not have to rush. And I make a
17:35
Speaker 1: conscious effort because I think as a man, they value
17:37
Speaker 1: freedom too.
17:37
Speaker 2: Of course every human does.
17:39
Speaker 1: On a Saturday, when I have a couple of hours
17:41
Speaker 1: in the morning and then we tag team, I always
17:43
Speaker 1: say to see before he leaves, take your time, babe.
17:46
Speaker 1: I don't want him to feel like he has to
17:47
Speaker 1: rush back and be home with us again. Like I'm good,
17:50
Speaker 1: I've got the kids, so I been to my walk.
17:52
Speaker 1: I'm good, Like take your time, and I'll say, are
17:54
Speaker 1: going to the gym? Are you walking? Are you're doing both?
17:56
Speaker 1: What is your plans?
17:57
Speaker 2: Yeah?
17:57
Speaker 1: So he feels free to go and like do his
17:59
Speaker 1: thing in the morning, fill his cup up, and then
18:01
Speaker 1: come back and w then we have our family time.
18:04
Speaker 1: Conscious do that him, and he's conscious to do that
18:06
Speaker 1: for me now too, because.
18:07
Speaker 2: You understand the value of freedom, but it feels like
18:09
Speaker 2: to feel like you don't have that. I never want
18:11
Speaker 2: to create that.
18:12
Speaker 1: I don't want my partner to be like, oh, what
18:13
Speaker 1: time are you going to be home? You go for
18:15
Speaker 1: an hour? No, that's not going to.
18:18
Speaker 2: Have the guilt that you would feel that and that
18:19
Speaker 2: wouldn't feel nice. And I think as well, part of
18:22
Speaker 2: the reason why we want to talk about this too
18:23
Speaker 2: is to showcase as well to you all that how
18:26
Speaker 2: nice it is to have people who don't judge you
18:28
Speaker 2: for that. Yes, Like I don't look at Ashy and
18:30
Speaker 2: how she feels and go, oh my gosh, you're the
18:32
Speaker 2: worst person ever, bad mom. She doesn't look at me
18:34
Speaker 2: and go, oh my gosh, you should break up with him.
18:35
Speaker 2: You're single, Like, we don't do that to each other
18:38
Speaker 2: because we're human there and this is like the conversation.
18:42
Speaker 2: People think that you can't be a contradiction, like you
18:44
Speaker 2: can't contradict what you're saying or you know, but we
18:47
Speaker 2: are walking contradictions. Literally, we are like all things I
18:50
Speaker 2: personally believe. So it's like when two truths exist, I'm like, yeah,
18:54
Speaker 2: there's space for all of that to be because I'm
18:56
Speaker 2: a multifaceted human, so are you, And why would I
18:59
Speaker 2: want to limit myself to only thinking that I can
19:01
Speaker 2: think and feel one way. I'm like, I don't want
19:02
Speaker 2: to put myself in a box.
19:04
Speaker 1: Do you know what I mean? It's not it so way,
19:06
Speaker 1: it's kind of I don't know if it's similar, but
19:08
Speaker 1: you know, people that do meditation and grounding exercise and
19:12
Speaker 1: want to be a gentle parent that all of a
19:13
Speaker 1: sudden doesn't mean that you're never going to raise your
19:15
Speaker 1: voice and you're never going to have a moment where
19:16
Speaker 1: you slip or you're never going to feel angry. Yeah,
19:18
Speaker 1: you can be both.
19:20
Speaker 2: The other part of that is like me being a
19:21
Speaker 2: self worth coach saying that I'm never going to feel insecure. Yeah, yeah,
19:24
Speaker 2: I'm never going to get triggered or feel territorial or like, no,
19:27
Speaker 2: I'm a human and I very much feel those things.
19:29
Speaker 1: Like we talk about believing in yourself and taking risks
19:31
Speaker 1: and doing big things and all the things. Does that
19:33
Speaker 1: mean that we don't doubt ourselves sometimes absolutely not? Or
19:35
Speaker 1: have fear come up?
19:36
Speaker 2: Yeah, I feel terrified of taking action, break something we've
19:39
Speaker 2: never done before.
19:40
Speaker 1: No, we're not exempt from that exactly right.
19:43
Speaker 2: Normalize that too, because I think it's really easy to
19:45
Speaker 2: look on We will have this conversation until the cars
19:47
Speaker 2: come home, Like it's easy to look at people's lives
19:50
Speaker 2: on social media and assume what you think you are seeing. Yeah,
19:54
Speaker 2: but you are only seeing one quarter of the pie,
19:56
Speaker 2: one quarter of the picture. You see what people want
19:59
Speaker 2: you to see. And most of the time, I feel
20:00
Speaker 2: like we're pretty honest about the things that we go through,
20:02
Speaker 2: especially on the podcast. But to normalize to you, you that,
20:05
Speaker 2: like life is messy. You are a messy human. We
20:08
Speaker 2: are messy. I'm not sitting on my high horse trying
20:10
Speaker 2: to be like I'm fucking perfect all the time. Like
20:12
Speaker 2: I'm a human and this relationship has been testing, Yeah,
20:16
Speaker 2: you know, and I welcome it in yes, because going
20:19
Speaker 2: to help you grow, that's right. I know all the
20:21
Speaker 2: things that have been coming up for me in the
20:22
Speaker 2: last six months are actually what I need to move
20:25
Speaker 2: through in order to be the version of myself who
20:27
Speaker 2: doesn't think, oh wow, this is too good to be true,
20:30
Speaker 2: but actually receives the love and knows that I'm deserving
20:32
Speaker 2: of that.
20:33
Speaker 1: Yeah.
20:33
Speaker 2: How beautiful is that I get to go on that
20:35
Speaker 2: journey even though it's uncomfortable at times.
20:36
Speaker 1: Yes, you talk about it as well with shadow work.
20:38
Speaker 1: It's like when people go, oh, I would never lie,
20:40
Speaker 1: or I always consider everyone else and I'm just like
20:42
Speaker 1: not a bitchy person, like I would never be a bit,
20:44
Speaker 1: Just like, yeah you are. Everyone has a capability to
20:47
Speaker 1: be a bitch. Yeah, you have light in your life.
20:50
Speaker 1: Stop lying to yourself. We all have those parts of
20:53
Speaker 1: us that exist inside of us. The more that we
20:55
Speaker 1: shame it, the more it's going to come out in
20:56
Speaker 1: unproductive ways. Right. It's so powerful to let all that
20:59
Speaker 1: it is.
21:00
Speaker 2: It just like allows you to come into deeper self
21:01
Speaker 2: acceptance and also.
21:03
Speaker 1: Less judgment towards someone else when they experience it. Right.
21:07
Speaker 2: Yeah, And the more that you stop judging yourself, the
21:09
Speaker 2: more you'll stop judging other people.
21:10
Speaker 1: I love that so true, and that is freedom to me.
21:12
Speaker 1: I wish I learned that earlier. I feel like it's
21:14
Speaker 1: only maybe the last two years that I've carried with
21:16
Speaker 1: a shame not learning that earlier, But I wish I
21:19
Speaker 1: learned that earlier, because the judgments you have on other
21:22
Speaker 1: people you have on yourself and vice versa. It's the
21:24
Speaker 1: more love and acceptance you have for yourself just to
21:26
Speaker 1: be all of you, the more you allow everyone else
21:29
Speaker 1: to be all of themselves, and you create nicer relationships
21:32
Speaker 1: because people won't feel your judge energy.
21:33
Speaker 2: It's also nice to not feel so judging towards other
21:36
Speaker 2: people or shit, that's not a nice feeling, or to
21:38
Speaker 2: be triggered at their behavior and things like that, because
21:40
Speaker 2: you've looked at that and been like, oh, passionate, I
21:43
Speaker 2: have compassion towards that, so something I once judged, like,
21:46
Speaker 2: you know, women dancing sexy online being in their feminine
21:50
Speaker 2: energy used to absolutely trigger the shit out of me.
21:52
Speaker 2: Couldn't look at it without watching it multiple times. You're like,
21:54
Speaker 2: why is she doing that? Why she dancing that? Why
21:56
Speaker 2: she went? And then I'm over here like, oh, it's
21:59
Speaker 2: because I love attention, and and yes, that's right, And
22:03
Speaker 2: I wish that I could allow myself permission to be
22:06
Speaker 2: able to do that so freely without judging myself for it,
22:09
Speaker 2: worrying about what people would think. So it's a very
22:11
Speaker 2: freeing place to be able to get to. But you've
22:13
Speaker 2: got to be able to sit through the discomfort of
22:15
Speaker 2: being those things in those traits definitely, and it all existings.
22:19
Speaker 1: That's so cool, And these are conversations we have at
22:20
Speaker 1: our treats as well, and it's just so awesome. Like
22:23
Speaker 1: a big core reason of why we do what we
22:25
Speaker 1: do is to bring women together to be able to
22:26
Speaker 1: have these deeper conversations, because no one wants to feel
22:29
Speaker 1: like this alone. But you've got to get people that
22:31
Speaker 1: get it and understand and open minded, open and nothing
22:35
Speaker 1: you want to talk about was let's talk about sex, baby.
22:38
Speaker 1: I finct last year was my sexual awakening. I felt
22:42
Speaker 1: so freely. Oh, I was just like horny twenty four sevens.
22:46
Speaker 1: It's the whole year. Loved it the whole year. I
22:49
Speaker 1: just had such a great time, me and Steve. I
22:51
Speaker 1: just felt like it was just a good year for us.
22:53
Speaker 1: And then this year it just hasn't been the same,
22:57
Speaker 1: but been going through a lot, a lot of just
23:00
Speaker 1: stress and navigating different things and growth and kids and
23:05
Speaker 1: both of us having really bad sleep patterns, like really bad,
23:08
Speaker 1: and it just hasn't been our greatest year for that
23:10
Speaker 1: sexual energy. And we've been having discussions about it and
23:14
Speaker 1: how much stress impacts your sex drive. It's like a
23:17
Speaker 1: switch just flicks off when I'm under immense stress. There's
23:21
Speaker 1: too much information, but I sit on the toilet and
23:23
Speaker 1: my sex drive's gone. My body responds to stress. It's wild.
23:27
Speaker 1: And then same with Steve. But and then when we
23:29
Speaker 1: are intimate, it's like, oh my gosh, why do we
23:31
Speaker 1: leave that? You know, we need to do this more often.
23:32
Speaker 1: It just makes you feel so connected. Sexual energy is
23:35
Speaker 1: a life force. It makes you feel energized and happy
23:38
Speaker 1: and lit up. But it's hard, and as a parent,
23:41
Speaker 1: it's very easy to blame the kids, but gosh, it's
23:44
Speaker 1: it's not hard sometimes when you're at work all day
23:47
Speaker 1: and then you come over and your parenting, your kids
23:49
Speaker 1: are fighting, and you're fucking exhausted by the end of
23:50
Speaker 1: the day. Some days I just have nothing left. I
23:53
Speaker 1: have nothing left to give, and he sometimes feels like
23:55
Speaker 1: that too, And then to catch both of you in
23:57
Speaker 1: the mood at the same time can also be really difficult.
23:59
Speaker 2: Yeah, because one day you're feeling it and then like
24:01
Speaker 2: not or vice versa.
24:03
Speaker 1: And then there's two weeks out the month that I
24:05
Speaker 1: feel really good because looting up for my period, don't
24:08
Speaker 1: feel great. And then a couple of days when I'm bleeding,
24:09
Speaker 1: I don't feel great. So it's like cut out maybe
24:12
Speaker 1: ten days in the month for I feel like shit. Yeah,
24:14
Speaker 1: not into it. Yeah, it's just difficult, and I just
24:17
Speaker 1: wanted to bring that up again. And normal is that
24:19
Speaker 1: because I think a lot of married couples and people
24:21
Speaker 1: with kids and running busy businesses, it's exhausting sometimes. And
24:24
Speaker 1: different seasons. Yeah, last year was a great season. This
24:27
Speaker 1: year's been more of a hustle work growth, get through
24:30
Speaker 1: some harder times together, and it's just different.
24:33
Speaker 2: I feel like this is my sex season.
24:35
Speaker 1: Yeah, we have switched.
24:40
Speaker 2: No, just yeah, But also in saying that, there's an
24:44
Speaker 2: element of that to be true. But then also I'm
24:46
Speaker 2: also in my hustle season two, So my hustle I
24:48
Speaker 2: can relate to what you and Steve have been navigating too,
24:51
Speaker 2: because like the conversations we've been having around you know,
24:54
Speaker 2: doing admin nights on a Monday and working till late,
24:57
Speaker 2: like right before bed at eight o'clock and being on
25:00
Speaker 2: my computer right after that. I don't necessarily feel like
25:02
Speaker 2: having sex or being intimate, but I know I yes,
25:05
Speaker 2: but logically I'm so in my head that I'm not
25:08
Speaker 2: dropped into my feminine energy.
25:09
Speaker 1: So it takes more effort energy to drop in.
25:12
Speaker 2: More time takes also more time. And when you're working late,
25:15
Speaker 2: trying to go to bed early, trying to wake up early,
25:17
Speaker 2: there's only so much time, you know, because of the chosen.
25:22
Speaker 1: If we start being intimate NOWX till nine o'clock, a shout,
25:25
Speaker 1: and I third, I want to be a sleep till ten.
25:26
Speaker 2: Yes, And then if it's past nine o'clock, like, don't
25:28
Speaker 2: even ask me.
25:29
Speaker 1: I have to get up at four third, I'm gonna
25:30
Speaker 1: be tired.
25:31
Speaker 2: And that happened the other day and I was very cranky,
25:36
Speaker 2: you know, And yeah, it's so interesting. That's kind of
25:39
Speaker 2: something that's been coming up as well, is like Grant
25:41
Speaker 2: and I are also in a bit of a hustle
25:42
Speaker 2: season of our own and navigating that without allowing it
25:46
Speaker 2: to go too long before being intimate. Yeah, sometimes it's
25:49
Speaker 2: a bit of a challenge, you know. There was this
25:51
Speaker 2: thing that Jake Woodard said how him and his wife
25:54
Speaker 2: don't go any longer than seventeen hours are being intimate.
25:57
Speaker 2: And I brought that to Grant. I had the conversation
25:59
Speaker 2: with him and talked to him about it and suggested
26:02
Speaker 2: it to him, and then he started accounting when it
26:04
Speaker 2: was longer than seven two hours.
26:06
Speaker 1: We're in five days, and he's like, and now now
26:08
Speaker 1: he's mad.
26:09
Speaker 2: No, No, I'm just kidding. He's not mad, but now
26:11
Speaker 2: he's like starting to notice, yeah, oh okay, times getting
26:15
Speaker 2: on four or five days. Now, okay, we're getting a
26:17
Speaker 2: bit disconnected, and he's starting to consciously be aware of
26:20
Speaker 2: how not being intimate creates that disconnection and you kind
26:24
Speaker 2: of just you end up like walking side by side
26:26
Speaker 2: parallel on the path together as opposed to right next
26:30
Speaker 2: to each other.
26:30
Speaker 1: Yes, and the energy you can feel is different.
26:33
Speaker 2: Yeah, for sure. So I think that's also something new
26:35
Speaker 2: that we're learning how to navigate while being in new relationship.
26:38
Speaker 1: Yeah. Yeah, it's so interesting. Whether it's new or long term,
26:42
Speaker 1: it's same stuff, but just different seasons. That's what I've
26:46
Speaker 1: learned throughout this is we talk about seasons all the time,
26:49
Speaker 1: but you really have to come into a bit of
26:51
Speaker 1: acceptance sometimes that people go through different seasons. Sometimes it's
26:55
Speaker 1: together and separate, And it was Steve at first going
26:57
Speaker 1: through a lot of stress and taking on a lot
26:59
Speaker 1: and learning a lot and growing a lot, And I
27:01
Speaker 1: know it's not rejection, but sometimes I'm like, oh, I
27:05
Speaker 1: make it mean something. And now I'm in a bit
27:08
Speaker 1: of a hustle and a bit more tired and stress
27:10
Speaker 1: and we're both holding a lot. I'm like, oh, I
27:12
Speaker 1: understand now, Like I just don't. I don't feel like
27:14
Speaker 1: at the end of the day when I'm tapped out,
27:16
Speaker 1: last thing I feel like doing is that, Yeah, same thing.
27:19
Speaker 1: You know it's going to be good, and when you
27:20
Speaker 1: do it, you're like, damn, why did we not do that?
27:22
Speaker 1: So every time, but every relationship is going to go
27:26
Speaker 1: through seasons, and I think communication, like Weensteed talk about
27:30
Speaker 1: it all the time. I think that really helps rather
27:32
Speaker 1: than not talking about it and making a story up
27:35
Speaker 1: in your head as to why you're not intimate and
27:37
Speaker 1: just trying to be really understanding and supportive. Like our
27:39
Speaker 1: whole eighteen years that I've been with Steve, there is
27:41
Speaker 1: not once that I felt pressured to have sex. I
27:43
Speaker 1: love that not once has he ever made me feel
27:46
Speaker 1: bad or guilty or pressured me, no matter what I'm
27:50
Speaker 1: going through or where I'm at or where I'm at
27:52
Speaker 1: my cycle. Like, he's just more than understanding. I just
27:55
Speaker 1: respect him so much for that.
27:56
Speaker 2: I love that.
27:57
Speaker 1: Yeah, it never takes it personally, which is so beautiful.
27:59
Speaker 2: That's so nice. I feel so safe to be able
28:01
Speaker 2: to receive that too.
28:02
Speaker 1: Yeah, and it's also helped me be understanding when he's
28:05
Speaker 1: or feeling like it, not take it personally or feel
28:07
Speaker 1: rejected or make him feel bad. Maybe I've done a
28:10
Speaker 1: couple of times. I'm like, did I love me? Yeah.
28:15
Speaker 2: It's very interesting that communication is such a key in
28:18
Speaker 2: all of it. I think even in the times where
28:21
Speaker 2: I'm somebody who fills my cup up both with people
28:24
Speaker 2: and both in my solitude, and I really need that.
28:27
Speaker 2: And I start to notice, like saying, you're telling me this, actually,
28:30
Speaker 2: like you notice it in me. Around my period, I
28:32
Speaker 2: kind of go within, and then solo time Grant notices
28:36
Speaker 2: it as well, Like so if I have a couple
28:37
Speaker 2: of days, I need to continuously do something that's going
28:39
Speaker 2: to be just for myself so I can go within
28:41
Speaker 2: connect with my own energy and then come back to give.
28:44
Speaker 2: That's a way that I like kind of fill out
28:46
Speaker 2: my cup. And in the beginning, like I didn't communicate
28:48
Speaker 2: that with Grant, so he was like, oh, like, what's happening,
28:50
Speaker 2: She's going within kind of thing.
28:51
Speaker 1: But I wasn't communicating cold well hot cold.
28:54
Speaker 2: Yeah, But now like I know how to communicate that.
28:56
Speaker 2: He knows what I need now, so you can kind
28:58
Speaker 2: of preempt things. So he also supports me in that too.
29:01
Speaker 2: But communication is everything.
29:03
Speaker 1: It is everything.
29:04
Speaker 2: Yeah, even the times when I felt like I wanted
29:06
Speaker 2: to run away, I've communicated that and it's been so
29:07
Speaker 2: powerful because it's only created more connection, which is really beautiful,
29:11
Speaker 2: more understanding, safety connection, just truth and understanding, and it's
29:15
Speaker 2: just it's pretty cool. Yeah, it's beutiful, we hope, just
29:18
Speaker 2: to make you feel less alone in anything that you
29:19
Speaker 2: might be going through or feeling and thinking in your relationship.
29:22
Speaker 2: And again just a reminder that you can feel something
29:25
Speaker 2: and doesn't have to mean something.
29:26
Speaker 1: You don't have to actually on it, you don't have
29:28
Speaker 1: to fix it or make a problem out of it. No,
29:30
Speaker 1: it can just be a feeling and feelings are fleeting,
29:32
Speaker 1: like they can come and go and they pass, and
29:34
Speaker 1: if it's obviously going on for a long period of time,
29:36
Speaker 1: that's a conversation to have for sure. And also just
29:39
Speaker 1: try and be really understanding with your partner and their seasons,
29:42
Speaker 1: just as if you would want them to be understanding
29:43
Speaker 1: of you and your seasons when you go through it,
29:45
Speaker 1: when you go through something hard or you've got a hustle,
29:47
Speaker 1: or you've got deadlines, or you're in your period, or
29:50
Speaker 1: you're grieving someone, or you're stressed about something where you've
29:53
Speaker 1: just had a couple of bad nights sleep, you would
29:55
Speaker 1: want them to be understanding. So you've got to give
29:56
Speaker 1: that as well, absolutely to your partner. So thanks for
30:00
Speaker 1: joining us and here we hope this helped plan and
30:02
Speaker 1: hope you're not feel so alone in your stuff that
30:04
Speaker 1: you might be going through her as well.
30:05
Speaker 2: Absolutely not be soon bye yea yeah,