Latest / The Burnout Podcast with Fexingo: Workplace Exhaustion, Recovery, and Sustainable Careers / How Workplace Gaslighting Fuels Burnout and What to Do About It
Transcript
- Lucas: Luna, let me ask you something. Have you ever left a meeting — a one-on-one, a status update, whatever — and as you walked back to your desk, you couldn't quite shake the feeling that the conversation you just had wasn't the conversation you prepared for? Luna: Yeah, actually. More than once. That weird fog where you know something shifted but you can't put your finger on it. It's unsettling. Lucas: Right. And then maybe later you replay the dialogue in your head, and you start wondering, 'Did I really say that? Was I imagining the tone? Maybe I am being too sensitive.' That loop — that doubting of your own perception — is one of the most specific forms of workplace exhaustion I think we haven't named directly on this show. Luna: You're talking about gaslighting at work. The official term. Lucas: Exactly. And I want to be really careful here. Gaslighting is a heavy word — it gets thrown around a lot. But when we look at the research, there's a specific psychological mechanism at play. The Workplace Bullying Institute did a survey in 2024 and found that 38% of employees reported experiencing some form of psychological manipulation at work. And the most common subtype they identified was what they called 'reality manipulation' — someone telling you that what you saw or heard didn't happen. Luna: Thirty-eight percent. That's nearly four in ten people. But I bet a lot of them wouldn't call it gaslighting. They'd just say their boss is 'a bit tricky' or they 'have a weird relationship with their teammate.' Lucas: That's exactly the problem. The whole mechanism works by making you not name it. So today I want to walk through three concrete patterns of workplace gaslighting that I see all the time, and then a three-step framework for responding that doesn't require you to be a confrontational person. Luna: Okay, lay them out. Because I think a lot of our listeners have felt that fog but never had language for it. Lucas: Pattern one: the memory challenge. This is where you say something happened — a deadline change, a budget cut, a particular instruction — and the other person responds with, 'No, that's not what I said,' or 'I don't recall that conversation.' And because they say it with certainty, you start to question your own recall. Luna: I've had that. It's so disorienting because you trust your memory, but they're so confident. Lucas: Pattern two is the competence underminer. This is more subtle. It's when you bring up a valid concern — say, 'This project timeline is unrealistic given our current headcount' — and the response reframes it as a flaw in your thinking. Something like, 'You're just not seeing the big picture,' or 'Maybe you're overcomplicating it.' The message is: your judgment is faulty. Luna: That one's insidious because it makes you doubt your professional instincts. You start second-guessing every opinion. Lucas: And pattern three: the reality denier. This is the most overt. It's when someone outright denies something that happened in front of others. For example, they say something harsh in a meeting, and when you bring it up later, they say, 'I never said that. You must have misunderstood.' And you know you didn't. Luna: Okay, so those are the patterns. But here's my pushback. A lot of career advice around gaslighting is 'just leave.' And while that's an option, it's not always realistic. And the gaslighting itself can be so subtle that you're not even sure it's happening. So what do you actually do? Lucas: Right. That's why the three-step framework is about regaining your own footing, not about changing the other person. Step one: externalize the event. The moment you feel that fog, write down exactly what was said and what you remember. Use a private document or a note on your phone. Don't trust your memory — capture it. Luna: And you do that immediately, I assume. Because after a few hours, the fog thickens. Lucas: Exactly. Within 15 minutes if possible. Step two: calibrate with a trusted colleague. Not to complain, but to check your perception. Say, 'Hey, in the meeting earlier, when they said X, I heard it as Y. Did you hear it the same way?' You need an outside perspective to break the isolation. Luna: That's smart. Because the gaslighting works by making you think you're the only one who sees it. But often, others notice too. Lucas: And step three: set a boundary in the moment next time. This doesn't have to be confrontational. You can say, 'I'd like to pause here. I want to make sure I'm understanding correctly. Can you clarify what you mean?' Or even simpler: 'Let me write that down so I don't forget.' That single act of documenting out loud shifts the dynamic. Luna: I love that. It's not accusatory. It's just 'I need to capture this for my own clarity.' And it subtly signals that you're paying attention and you won't be gaslit. Lucas: And look, I know this all sounds simple on paper. But in the moment, it's hard. Because gaslighting triggers a physiological stress response. Your heart rate goes up, your thinking narrows. That's why the externalization is critical — it bypasses your emotional brain. Luna: So we're basically saying: the first line of defense isn't to confront the gaslighter. It's to protect your own perception. That's a very different message from 'stand up to them.' Lucas: Exactly. You can't win a reality war with someone who won't agree on reality. But you can stop losing yourself in it. And over time, if the pattern is clear, you have a documented record. That record is power — whether you use it in a conversation with HR or just to convince yourself it's time to move on. Luna: And I think that's where a lot of people get stuck. They don't trust their own documentation. They think, 'Well, maybe I'm misremembering.' But if you've written it down immediately, you have more credibility than you think. Lucas: Absolutely. And one more thing on that: if you're in a workplace where gaslighting is a pattern, you're not crazy. The research shows that chronic exposure to this kind of manipulation actually reduces your cognitive performance over time. It's not just emotionally draining — it literally makes you less sharp. So protecting your perception is also protecting your competence. Luna: That's a powerful reframe. It's not about being delicate. It's about staying effective. Lucas: And speaking of staying effective, we've been doing this podcast now for over 30 episodes, and one thing we've heard from listeners is that they appreciate that we don't have ads interrupting the conversation. We deliberately keep this show ad-free because we want it to feel like a real conversation you can trust. If that's something you value and you'd like to support it, there's a link — it's buy me a coffee dot com slash fexingo. No pressure at all, just if it makes sense for you. Luna: Yeah, and it really does help us keep doing these deep dives. Every little bit counts, but honestly, just knowing people are listening and finding it useful is the main thing. Lucas: Okay, back to gaslighting. Luna, one thing I want to add: if you identify with these patterns, the next step is to decide whether to address it directly with the person or to escalate. That's a personal call. But I want to offer a heuristic: if the behavior is occasional and the person is generally reasonable, a direct conversation might work. But if it's chronic and feels like a pattern, you need to protect yourself first. Luna: And that might mean documenting everything, talking to a mentor, or quietly updating your resume. Because at the end of the day, you can't gaslight-proof a toxic culture. You can only gaslight-proof yourself. Lucas: That's the line. You can't change someone else's reality manipulation. But you can make it so that their manipulation has no power over your own sense of reality. And that's a skill that will serve you in any job. Luna: All right, I think we've given our listeners a solid toolkit today. Next time you leave a meeting feeling foggy, you'll know what to do. Lucas: Exactly. Write it down. Check with someone. And set a small boundary. You've got this.