Latest / Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families / #853 Developing Yourself or Finding Yourself?

Transcript

#853 Developing Yourself or Finding Yourself? · Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families

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  Speaker 1: It's the Happy Families podcast. It's the podcast for the
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  Speaker 1: time poor parent who just wants answers. Now, Hello, it
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  Speaker 1: stop Justin Colson with the Happy Family's podcast. My wife
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  Speaker 1: and Mum's our six kids. Kylie joins me. I hope
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  Speaker 1: you're enjoying your school holidays, Kylie. Today I've asked you
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  Speaker 1: to take over the podcast. Every month, you write an
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  Speaker 1: article for our Happy Family's premium members you talk about
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  Speaker 1: being a mum and how we can find joy in
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  Speaker 1: our lives. And on today's podcast, I want you to
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  Speaker 1: read what you wrote for our Happy Families members last month.
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  Speaker 1: For two reasons. Number one, I think everyone should hear it.
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  Speaker 1: A number two, if people want more of this, then
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  Speaker 1: I think they should know where they can get it,
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  Speaker 1: which is in our Happy Famili's premium membership. But what
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  Speaker 1: you wrote was so good.
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  Speaker 2: What's called lost and Found. It was a beautiful autumn morning,
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  Speaker 2: even though my time with the kids before school left
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  Speaker 2: me feeling frazzled. Fragments of light shattered the water's surface,
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  Speaker 2: with just the hint of a breeze brushing against my
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  Speaker 2: skin as I scanned the periphery of the area where
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  Speaker 2: I was waiting for my friend. She was tucked up
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  Speaker 2: cozily into one of the backed bench seats down by
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  Speaker 2: the lookout. As I took my place next to her,
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  Speaker 2: I instantly felt an unexpressed but tangible permission to drop
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  Speaker 2: my load, just for a few moments. It started with
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  Speaker 2: an audible and heavy weighted sigh. It's been such a
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  Speaker 2: crappy week this week with Justin away. The weight of
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  Speaker 2: doing it all alone is exhausting. And what's so frustrating
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  Speaker 2: is I've done such a great job at holding up
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  Speaker 2: the forought all week, but today it's too heavy to
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  Speaker 2: carry on my own. I just miss him so much,
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  Speaker 2: the kids miss him, and I haven't had a moment
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  Speaker 2: to myself all week. I just can't do it all.
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  Speaker 2: I hear you. It's been a really hard week, really hard,
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  Speaker 2: my friend said, And that's when I noticed that tear
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  Speaker 2: is blowing freely now behind her Sonnies. It's amazing how
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  Speaker 2: being v holnerable with others allows them to let down
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  Speaker 2: their guard as well. And for a few not so
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  Speaker 2: brief moments in time, I let my friend drop her bundle,
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  Speaker 2: the one that's weighed her down all week, and left
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  Speaker 2: her feeling like she just might drown in it all.
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  Speaker 2: As she started to open up more and more. It
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  Speaker 2: wasn't one big thing, it was a hundred little things
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  Speaker 2: that all added to a load. But then, almost out
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  Speaker 2: of nowhere, she shared her deepest, darkest hurt. I don't
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  Speaker 2: even know who I am anymore. I used to love art,
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  Speaker 2: going to the gym with my friends, but then the
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  Speaker 2: kids came along, and slowly, over time, being a mum
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  Speaker 2: and wife consumed me. I don't even know what I like,
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  Speaker 2: what lights me up? What is wrong with me? I
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  Speaker 2: have such a blessed life. My kids are amazing, my
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  Speaker 2: husband is attentive, but I just feel so lost. My
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  Speaker 2: friend is not alone. In fact, it's a conversation I've
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  Speaker 2: held with so many of my friends and acquaintances over
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  Speaker 2: the past year or more, and I've found myself feeling
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  Speaker 2: similarly in recent times. Whenever I have these thoughts, I
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  Speaker 2: recall the movie Runaway Bride. Julia Roberts plays a woman Maggie,
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  Speaker 2: who has left multiple suit is literally standing at the
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  Speaker 2: altar as she clashes with the journalist doing a story
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  Speaker 2: on her habit of accepting marriage proposals and then running
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  Speaker 2: away from them. Maggie realizes that she's spent a lifetime
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  Speaker 2: pleasing others instead of becoming her own person. Now she
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  Speaker 2: has no idea which version of herself is the real her.
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  Speaker 2: Some serious sleuthing on the part of the reporter leads
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  Speaker 2: to an exchange between them. Here's what happens in the movie.
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  Speaker 1: We're so nice and even know what kind of eggs?
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  Speaker 1: You're like, yes, yes, that's right with appreciate you wanted
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  Speaker 1: scramble with a deadhead. It was fried with the other guy.
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  Speaker 1: The bug guy was poached.
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  Speaker 2: Now it's like, oh, egg quite only, thank you very much.
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  Speaker 1: That is called a change in your mind. No, that's
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  Speaker 1: called not having a mind of your own. Maggie, what
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  Speaker 1: are you doing?
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  Speaker 2: Soon we see Maggie in the kitchen, cooking eggs every
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  Speaker 2: which way to see how she likes them cooked. It
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  Speaker 2: is that scene that gave me some inspiration as I
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  Speaker 2: sat in the uncomfortable place recently asking the same questions
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  Speaker 2: my friend was now posing to me. Who am I?
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  Speaker 2: And what lights me up? As I sat with my
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  Speaker 2: friend and that hard plays on that beautiful autumn day,
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  Speaker 2: both feeling the weight of the world on our shoulders,
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  Speaker 2: we talked about three things we could both do to
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  Speaker 2: help us rediscover the light we had once both experienced
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  Speaker 2: in different ways, but feels like a lifetime ago. Maybe
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  Speaker 2: I was channeling my inner doctor justin maybe not, but
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  Speaker 2: we both felt a lot better at the end of
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  Speaker 2: the conversation. Number one, Feel the fear and do it anyway.
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  Speaker 2: We could talk about this one all day. There are
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  Speaker 2: so many scripts that we have carried with us, some
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  Speaker 2: programmed into us from birth, some we've acquired through our
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  Speaker 2: own experiences. Things like I'm not very good at art,
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  Speaker 2: I hate the gym, I don't eat avocados. Or maybe
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  Speaker 2: it's that I'm no good at making new friends. I'm
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  Speaker 2: not a public speaker, I could never do dot dot dot.
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  Speaker 2: Fill in the blanks. But just because we think those thoughts,
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  Speaker 2: it doesn't make them true. Set yourself a goal to
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  Speaker 2: try something new every day, once a week or month.
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  Speaker 2: It doesn't matter the frequency, it's more about the intention
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  Speaker 2: behind it. You'll never discs what lights you up by
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  Speaker 2: sitting on the couch. For me, right now, I'm focused
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  Speaker 2: on the things I've always been too afraid to try
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  Speaker 2: because I might look silly. I've signed up for pilates
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  Speaker 2: and art classes. Number two. Make time for friends. I
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  Speaker 2: get it. Being a mom is a full time job
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  Speaker 2: and then some. And for those of you working mums
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  Speaker 2: and single mums, I applaud you. This is a tough gig.
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  Speaker 2: We can easily be swallowed up in all that needs
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  Speaker 2: to be done just so home life functions. Then we
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  Speaker 2: don't give ourselves permission to be with the people who
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  Speaker 2: light us up. And if you don't feel like you
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  Speaker 2: have anyone who does it for you right now, start small,
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  Speaker 2: make a connection and grow from there. A year ago,
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  Speaker 2: when we moved, I knew no one, but I asked
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  Speaker 2: a lady I had just met if she was keen
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  Speaker 2: to go walking once a week and show horror. She said, yes,
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  Speaker 2: We've been walking ever since. Number three, Move your body
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  Speaker 2: justin keeps banging this drama our home. Research suggests time
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  Speaker 2: and time again that moving our bodies has more positive
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  Speaker 2: impact on us psychologically than speaking with a therapist or
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  Speaker 2: even medication. It's so powerful. Imagine the positive impact you
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  Speaker 2: would get if you applied all three together and found
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  Speaker 2: a friend who was open to trying something new with
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  Speaker 2: you while you both moved your bodies. Sometimes we can
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  Speaker 2: find ourselves feeling a little lost, maybe stuck, and in
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  Speaker 2: some cases feeling like we have no control over our circumstances.
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  Speaker 2: The weight of that can be all consuming, But no
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  Speaker 2: matter how insignificant it may seem, don't underestimate the power
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  Speaker 2: of change. Challenging the way we see things can feel
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  Speaker 2: daunting at first, but it can also open our eyes
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  Speaker 2: to the light your light. Who am I? I am
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  Speaker 2: a woman who will no longer hold herself back because
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  Speaker 2: I'm too scared to try something new in case I fail.
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  Speaker 2: It is in the trying that I am learning what
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  Speaker 2: lights me up, and I like what I'm discovering. I
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  Speaker 2: have realized I'm not lost at all. I just stopped
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  Speaker 2: giving time to myself a long time ago. It's time
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  Speaker 2: to rediscover things I once knew but have forgotten. It
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  Speaker 2: is in the asking that I am found.
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  Speaker 1: Every month you have the opportunity to share I guess
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  Speaker 1: a bit of your heart, but certainly a whole lot
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  Speaker 1: of your mind when it comes to what's going on.
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  Speaker 1: And when you wrote that article, it struck me for
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  Speaker 1: a couple of reasons. First off, I thought the three
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  Speaker 1: pieces of advice you gave were channeling me. I mean,
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  Speaker 1: that was just great advice. You must live with me
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  Speaker 1: or something. But What I want to talk to you
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  Speaker 1: about for maybe the next four or five minutes is
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  Speaker 1: just this idea of mums specifically, because I don't think
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  Speaker 1: it happens to dad's certainly not in the same way,
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  Speaker 1: not to the same degree, but mums losing their sense
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  Speaker 1: of who they are. And I don't have any specific
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  Speaker 1: questions for you, but I want to know where that
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  Speaker 1: comes from, what you've observed, what stands out to you
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  Speaker 1: in your conversations with other mums.
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  Speaker 2: More times than not, as a male, your sense of
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  Speaker 2: identity is tied up in the career choice that you've made.
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  Speaker 2: I'm a builder, I'm a pain I'm an it guru,
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  Speaker 2: I'm a parenting I'm a parenting expert. And every day
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  Speaker 2: you go to work and you are actually able to
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  Speaker 2: feel like you've accomplished something by the end of the day.
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  Speaker 2: More times than not, as an accountant, you crunch the numbers,
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  Speaker 2: You've got somebody's fast altogether.
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  Speaker 1: I don't know, have you seen my productivity? There are
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  Speaker 1: many days where I come home and wonder what I
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  Speaker 1: did all day.
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  Speaker 2: No, but you get to disappear and stand in front
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  Speaker 2: of crowds and have people tell you how grateful they
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  Speaker 2: are for the things that you're teaching them, because it
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  Speaker 2: changes life.
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  Speaker 1: There is no better job in terms of having to
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  Speaker 1: be out of the home and in paid employment. I
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  Speaker 1: just love what I do.
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  Speaker 2: I made a conscious decision to become a mum. It's
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  Speaker 2: all I wanted to be. And yet there are days
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  Speaker 2: when I feel like I have accomplished nothing.
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  Speaker 1: So I want to have a question.
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  Speaker 2: Wiped bottoms, cleaned toilets, as, picked up food that's been
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  Speaker 2: thrown on the floor. And that was in the early days,
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  Speaker 2: and now I'm dealing with tantrums and teenagers who don't
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  Speaker 2: want to listen and screen challenges, and I get to
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  Speaker 2: the end of the day and I am exhausted, but
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  Speaker 2: I can't actually tell you what I've done a couple
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  Speaker 2: of weeks and there's nobody telling me that what I've
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  Speaker 2: done it matters.
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  Speaker 1: So a couple of weeks ago, we had a team
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  Speaker 1: lunch and a couple of our team members pointed out
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  Speaker 1: that there was something that I said or something that
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  Speaker 1: you said that was just tone deaf, and we got
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  Speaker 1: it all wrong in the podcast. And obviously everyone's always
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  Speaker 1: going to have a different opinion about what we're saying,
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  Speaker 1: and most of the time. Fortunately, most people really love
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  Speaker 1: what we say, which is great. But I'm about to
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  Speaker 1: step into what could potentially be a landmine with what
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  Speaker 1: I'm about to ask you. But I want to use
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  Speaker 1: an analogy for it.
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  Speaker 2: You've highlighted that you're only asking me this. I can
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  Speaker 2: tell because you're on the safety.
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  Speaker 1: No, I don't think so. I think I'm about to
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  Speaker 1: stay in a great, big pile of something. Let me
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  Speaker 1: go there. Do you not feel a sense of satisfaction though?
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  Speaker 1: And this is where I'm about to get shot by everybody.
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  Speaker 1: But I know when you're out for the day and
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  Speaker 1: I decide that I'm going to dive in and do
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  Speaker 1: all the cleaning so that you can come home and
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  Speaker 1: not have that load on you, and I get the
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  Speaker 1: kudos for having been a great husband, and I've cleaned
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  Speaker 1: up the house and all that sort of thing, or
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  Speaker 1: I've cooked dinner. I don't know how to say this
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  Speaker 1: without sounding awful, but it sounds to me like what
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  Speaker 1: you're saying is you don't find it satisfying to have
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  Speaker 1: a clean house.
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  Speaker 2: That's not what I'm saying at all. I absolutely love
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  Speaker 2: having a clean house, but it doesn't last long, right, Literally,
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  Speaker 2: my job never ends.
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  Speaker 1: Yes, yes, I totally get that never ends.
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  Speaker 2: I don't ever get to the bottom of the laundry pile.
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  Speaker 2: I don't ever get to the bottom of the ironing pile,
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  Speaker 2: because even if I do get to the bottom of it,
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  Speaker 2: by tomorrow it's there again. The conversations that I have
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  Speaker 2: with Mums time and time again isn't the fact that
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  Speaker 2: we resent doing any of those things. It's the fact
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  Speaker 2: that those things don't light us up. Yeah, okay, those
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  Speaker 2: things are a necessity for our lives to function.
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  Speaker 1: How do you find yourself? Again? Do you find yourself
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  Speaker 1: if you're feeling lost, regardless of whether it's through employment
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  Speaker 1: or through being a stay at home parent, How do
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  Speaker 1: you find yourself?
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  Speaker 2: For me, it's accepting that I just might fail. I
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  Speaker 2: might not find it at first go round. I might not
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  Speaker 2: find the thing that lights me up, because the reality
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  Speaker 2: is the things that lit me up as a twenty
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  Speaker 2: year old, yeah, they don't light me up anymore. They're
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  Speaker 2: no longer challenging to me, or they're no longer of
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  Speaker 2: interest to me. So I've started doing these art classes.
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  Speaker 2: Art scares me because I literally have had a script
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  Speaker 2: my whole life that I can't draw. But I started
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  Speaker 2: drawing and it looked like something recognizable.
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  Speaker 1: So I might actually ask our social team to put
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  Speaker 1: a couple of your pictures up on our social media page.
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  Speaker 1: Are you okay with that?
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  Speaker 2: Well, that's a bit scary.
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  Speaker 1: So Kylie has had what two or three art lessons now,
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  Speaker 1: so I'm going to literally put up your first two
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  Speaker 1: or three and you're just you're copying, not tracing, but
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  Speaker 1: you're copying other people's artwork. We're gonna pop them up.
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  Speaker 1: We're gonna do a social post about how you've just
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  Speaker 1: begun and this idea that you can't draw like. I'm
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  Speaker 1: looking at what you've drawn, and I think I could
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  Speaker 1: have twelve years of art classes and not be able
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  Speaker 1: to draw what you've drawn. I came twenty eighth out
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  Speaker 1: of twenty eight in art in grade seven and grade eight.
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  Speaker 1: I'm somebody who can't draw. What you've drawn, I think
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  Speaker 1: is mind boggling. But that's beside the point. The quality
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  Speaker 1: of it is not the issue here. What you're saying
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  Speaker 1: is try stuff to find yourself, try stuff to.
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  Speaker 2: Put it into context. Two weeks later, after I started drawing,
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  Speaker 2: they then asked me to paint, and that first painting session.
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  Speaker 2: I was literally a mess by the other but by
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  Speaker 2: the time it.
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  Speaker 1: Was done, You mean you got paint all over your hands.
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  Speaker 2: Well I did do that as well, but it challenged me.
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  Speaker 2: It really like I'd gone from feeling like, Okay, I
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  Speaker 2: actually can draw to I'm now feeling like an absolute
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  Speaker 2: dunce because this doesn't come naturally to me at all,
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  Speaker 2: and I don't get it, and I don't understand, and
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  Speaker 2: I can't get the text you're right, and I can't
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  Speaker 2: get my line straight and everything, and so what is
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  Speaker 2: this exercise for me? Is about letting go and literally
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  Speaker 2: challenging all of those processes to see whether or not
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  Speaker 2: this is actually where I want to be, but it
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  Speaker 2: might not be. What I actually feel is happening right
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  Speaker 2: now is I want to lead pencil instead of a
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  Speaker 2: pain brush. But I'm not going to know unless I
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  Speaker 2: give it a go. And I have spent so much
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  Speaker 2: of my life sitting on the fence because either it's
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  Speaker 2: been about self sacrifice for the betterment of the family
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  Speaker 2: because we can't afford it, or we don't have the
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  Speaker 2: time because I've got so many other things to do,
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  Speaker 2: or to this point in my life where it's I
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  Speaker 2: actually don't know what I want to do, and that
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  Speaker 2: stops me from trying.
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  Speaker 1: So to find who you are.
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  Speaker 2: I don't think it's about finding and that's what the
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  Speaker 2: emphasis of my article was, not that I'm lost. It
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  Speaker 2: was just about remember who I am.
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  Speaker 1: And developing who you are, Like you actually develop who
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  Speaker 1: you are by doing things, by spending time with people,
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  Speaker 1: and by what was the third thing, moving my body.
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  Speaker 1: By moving your body. That's how you this idea that
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  Speaker 1: you find who you are. I don't even know why
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  Speaker 1: I use that term, because you don't. You develop who
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  Speaker 1: you are, and you develop who you are by the
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  Speaker 1: tasks that you take on. So if you're feeling like
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  Speaker 1: your identity is lost and you don't know who you
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  Speaker 1: are anymore, start doing. There's power in action.
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  Speaker 2: And if you're waiting for someone else to give you
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  Speaker 2: permission to do it, you'll never get it. You actually
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  Speaker 2: have to take control yes and say I need to
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  Speaker 2: do this.
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  Speaker 1: I knew we'd get there. I knew we'd get there.
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  Speaker 1: I knew it was worthwhile conversation, and I'm so glad
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  Speaker 1: we had it. To find out more about what Kylie's
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  Speaker 1: written in Kylie's Corner in the Happy Families Premium membership.
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  Speaker 1: Just go to happy families dot com dot you, click
• 14:47
  Speaker 1: on the membership tab and become a member today. When
• 14:49
  Speaker 1: you sign up for twelve months, you only pay for ten.
• 14:51
  Speaker 1: We give you two months free. All the details are
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  Speaker 1: at happy families dot com dot AU. I reckon we
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  Speaker 1: might do this again next month because the stuff you
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  Speaker 1: share is just so useful, and there's a whole lot
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  Speaker 1: more there in the membership For more information about making
• 15:05
  Speaker 1: your family happier, of course, it's all at happy families
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  Speaker 1: dot com dot A. You and tomorrow we review everything
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  Speaker 1: that happens tonight on episode three of Parental Guidance