Latest / The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten / The More Successful A Guy Is, The More Coachable He Is

Transcript

The More Successful A Guy Is, The More Coachable He Is · The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten

• 0:05
  Hi everybody and welcome to the Doctor Psych Mom Show.
• 0:08
  Today I'm going to be talking about how what I've seen in my
• 0:11
  practice is the more successful a guy is, the more coachable he
• 0:15
  is. And I'll discuss what I mean by
• 0:17
  that as well as how that can apply to you even if you are not
• 0:21
  at the top 1% or anything close. So before that, please do
• 0:26
  subscribe. Most recent subscriber episode
• 0:29
  was how to people who out talk their spouses and how to think
• 0:33
  about this differently. It's not usually a good thing.
• 0:36
  It's not ever a good thing. And got some good ones coming up
• 0:41
  as well And one of them is let's see why women dream about their
• 0:48
  exes. All right, so anyhow, the more
• 0:53
  coachable you are, the more responsive to feedback you are,
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  the more non defensive you are. So a lot of men struggle with
• 1:03
  this and then wonder why their wives don't respect them.
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  It is very very hard to respect somebody who cannot accept
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  feedback and most guys would agree with that like at work or
• 1:13
  just like in general. They would kind of agree with
• 1:15
  that and but then somehow when it gets into their marriage,
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  they are way more comfortable saying that their wife is
• 1:22
  extremely critical and that that's why things go wrong.
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  So what I have noticed from working with guys who are
• 1:29
  generally this is more of the CEO type, more of the
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  entrepreneurial type. A lot of those guys have more
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  ADHD actually and they are more sensation seeking.
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  So they are chronically under stimulated, which is why their
• 1:43
  life kind of went how it did. And you can listen to this more
• 1:45
  in my podcast on CEOs. But I do see it in people who
• 1:48
  are successful even within a corporate structure.
• 1:52
  Partners at a law firm, Mark, don't exactly have a boss.
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  So they're kind of like at the top of the food chain, even
• 1:59
  though they are certainly not entrepreneur in the classic
• 2:02
  sense of that, right? I see it in physicians.
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  I see it in a lot of people that are like very successful is that
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  they they do not perceive criticism as criticism.
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  They are chronically under stimulated because they're
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  really smart. A lot of them maybe not, you
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  know, especially the non entrepreneurs don't have ADHD.
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  The guys who have ADHD just love any stimulation at all.
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  So criticism is pretty stimulating and that's why I
• 2:31
  like a lot of people hate it so much.
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  Makes your face get red, it makes your heartbeat faster.
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  You feel that you're under attack for a guy with ADHD or a
• 2:40
  guy that thrives on just stimulation.
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  Criticism is highly stimulating, quite honestly.
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  So these guys love. They love to go to like
• 2:50
  retreats, to go to seminars, to go to anything where like these
• 2:54
  360° reviews for like. They they go in for like a
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  review where they're going to hear a bunch of shit that like
• 3:00
  everybody thinks about them. Like the people on their level,
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  lower than them, way lower than them.
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  Everybody. They're like, they're like
• 3:07
  chomping at the bit. They can't wait.
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  They cannot wait to hear what everybody thinks about them
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  because that is so stimulating, right?
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  Whereas the average person is terrified, They're terrified,
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  and they go on the defensive before it even happens.
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  So they already go into it thinking about who could
• 3:26
  potentially be about to criticize them in the review and
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  how they don't deserve the criticism and how they're going
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  to defend themselves. That is very, very, very
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  different. It's a qualitative difference.
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  It's almost dichotomous. There's the people who are like
• 3:41
  interested in and even stimulated by receiving
• 3:45
  feedback. And then there are the people
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  who find it to be abhorrent, scary, and a reason to be very
• 3:53
  defensive. Think then about how these guys
• 3:55
  relationships go, right? So the guy who's terrified about
• 3:59
  getting the evaluation at work, he is terrified about getting
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  evaluation at home too. So the wife could say to him,
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  oh, I don't like that shirt on you, right.
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  And then he thinks, God damn, she's such a bitch.
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  This is why our relationship goes like this.
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  And you know, there are these other women in the world that
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  wouldn't say that. And they have, they know how to
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  treat a man. And then I get this one on my
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  Facebook Group A lot. If I went to a different
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  country, that's where they know how to treat men, not like these
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  American women. These, they would never say
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  anything about my shirt, you know, and and and this is about
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  a shirt, right? So if your wife cannot say, I
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  don't like that shirt, you know, then how's she going to respect
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  you, right? She's talking about a piece of
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  fabric on your body and you cannot even roll with that.
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  How in the hell is she going to be able to think that you're
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  like a man who could is strong and who could like kind of roll
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  with the punches of life, protect her if need be.
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  And then some guys are like, well, I couldn't tell her I
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  don't like her shirt. All right.
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  Also, you don't share tampons, right?
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  Because you're not a woman. So women are generally more
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  sensitive to feedback than men generally.
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  Although the very high achieving women that I see who are also
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  the CEOs, they're kind of similar with feedback.
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  Like, they love feedback, but they're still the man CEO loves
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  feedback even more. And I think it's a testosterone
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  thing, you know, testosterone just makes you less scared, you
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  know, like in general, that's like that's the God's honest
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  truth. It makes you more aggressive for
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  worse, but less scared is better.
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  So there's up and downs of everything, right?
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  Including every gender, every hormone, what have you.
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  So so then let's take something else because like, there's a lot
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  of guys who are like, oh, great, I don't care about the shirt.
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  She could tell me I dress like shit and I'm good to go.
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  I don't care. But then what about if she's
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  like, oh, you know, I don't want to have sex right now.
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  Well, a lot of guys take that, as you know from my podcast,
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  super personally. They take it as a personal
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  attack, a criticism. They don't see it as like
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  feedback, literally. I don't want to have sex.
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  Well, shit, why doesn't you want to have sex?
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  Is it about me? Is it about her?
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  Is it both? Is there anything that I could
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  do to fix it? And yes, there are guys that
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  truly look at it like that, and if you are one of them that
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  takes it super personally and it's a slap in the face and you
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  get all heated about it. This is why she may not be able
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  to be open and real with you, never mind give you sexual
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  feedback. Because if she can't give you
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  any feedback, she can't give you sexual feedback.
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  And that's why I have a podcast that says you can't get sexual
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  feedback if you're a negative, critical, closed guy.
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  And the other way you can't get feedback is if you're a guy that
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  basically is completely undone by any sort of criticism.
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  Because then she's terrified to criticize you because it
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  destroys your life and your equanimity and the rest of the
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  day for sure. And so she can't give you any
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  real sexual feedback, such as I like when you do this and not
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  this or I don't like anything you do.
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  We need to start from scratch, you know, which is more likely,
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  you know, for for many people who are in sexless marriages.
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  So she can't tell you anything because you're too, too
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  terrified of feedback. So like, for example, when I'm
• 7:04
  working with guys who are really into feedback, I'll be like, you
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  know, I just noticed that you just took that personally, what
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  I just said, because it's not like they never take anything
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  personally. Right.
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  So you could be thinking there's these guys that have like, No
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  Fear, like don't give a shit. That's a sociopath.
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  Like, I'm not talking about sociopaths.
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  So let's say, I'll give you a, a good example.
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  So let's say I'm working with a guy who's like a very coachable
• 7:25
  guy. And so I say to him, you know,
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  we were just talking about your wife and, you know, you seem to
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  take it personally. When I said, you know, that at
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  around her age, she's probably not going to want sex much
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  anymore, you seem to take that personally.
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  Like, why do you think that that is versus, you know, thinking,
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  All right, that's a biological thing.
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  And how do we work around it? So a guy that's coachable will
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  say something like, I don't know, did I?
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  That's interesting. I didn't think I took it
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  personally. Let me think about it.
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  I mean, I guess, you know, I feel like I've been doing a lot
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  of stuff for her, like, and now this just seems like it's going
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  to be one more thing. Be like, when else did you feel
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  like that? Oh, I don't know.
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  Maybe. I used to feel like that a lot
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  as a kid. I always had to bend over
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  backwards for my parents or whatever.
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  So we have like a discussion about somebody, however, who's
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  very sensitive, I'll say. Seems like you just took that
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  personally when I told you that the biological fact is that
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  she's probably not going to want sex at this age.
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  And that guy will be like, I didn't take that personally.
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  And I'll be like, well, all right, well, let's.
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  I just noticed a response. I didn't have a response that
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  wasn't a response. I mean, I was trying to listen
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  to you. What do you think?
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  I'm. I'm not stupid.
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  I know that. I know that it's going to be a
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  biological change. What do you mean?
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  I'm not stupid? So you see what I mean, right.
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  So that. So the difference is, and of
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  course, the latter guy definitely needs to be in
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  therapy. So I'm glad he's in there.
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  And over time, he can grow more coachable and more responsive
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  and more open, right. But that's the difference.
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  The difference isn't that like one guy is like this perfect,
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  like No Fear, like completely, like overly like happy to be
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  criticized, you know, although sometimes, you know, they really
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  are quite interested. And that's when they perk up.
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  Because as I said a lot, lot of times these guys are chronically
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  under stimulated and basically bored because the ADHD brain is
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  bored all the time. So when I say, hey, I noticed
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  something about you, they perk up.
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  It's like, no matter if it's good or bad, it's interesting,
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  right? But even given not that the
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  coachable guy will respond, he'll be like, all right, sure,
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  I'm here in therapy, right? Or in coaching.
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  I'm here and I'm literally here to get feedback.
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  So I'm going to get the feedback even if I don't agree with her,
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  even if this session ends. And I'm like, I only agree with
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  five, 5% of what she said. That's 5%.
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  That is definitively more than I would have gotten of different
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  way to look at things than if I didn't have the session.
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  And that's really the way that the average person who is more
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  sensitive to feedback can try to look at feedback even if it's
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  wrong. Because there's a lot of guys
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  that get obsessed with whether their wife's feedback is right
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  or wrong. Even if it's wrong, most of it
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  is wrong. 100% of it won't be quote wrong.
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  And also, what is wrong anyway? It's her perception, right?
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  So she doesn't like the shirt. Maybe 100 other women would like
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  the shirt. She doesn't like the shirt.
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  You just learned something about a shirt that your wife likes.
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  Or you might have learned that when your wife is mad at you,
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  she says that you look that your clothes are bad.
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  Maybe you learned that, but there's something that you can
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  learn from every interaction, and that truly is at the heart
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  of the difference in in these people.
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  And this coach ability makes people very successful because
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  they're interested in the world, they are interested in feedback,
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  They go to a personal trainer and they're going to get
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  something out of that personal training session no matter what.
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  Even if the guys 20 years younger than them and barely any
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  experience, there will be something that they get out of
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  that they will get feedback from anyone, anywhere.
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  Their feedback junkies, they love it.
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  They try to get it because it makes them grow and it's
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  something that they couldn't have done on their own,
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  definitionally because it's the response of another human being
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  to them and they can't do that. They could do a lot of things
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  themselves, but what they can't do is be a different person
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  responding to them. So they are looking for feedback
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  in the world, whereas other people go through life hiding
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  from feedback and then they show up as very defensive and very
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  easily upset and overly sensitive.
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  These are the guys who say, by the way, oh, women don't like
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  emotional, men know. What women don't like is, is men
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  who become extremely defensive and emotional when they are
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  called out. You know, men whose only emotion
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  is anger and and and defensiveness.
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  That's what women don't lie, right.
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  So there's a lot of guys, you know, especially on the Internet
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  and the commenting section, you know, if if you're not aware,
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  this is a dumpster fire, as I say all the time, because you
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  know who's going to really respond?
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  Some like attacking thing on like a therapist page.
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  It's not a very happy individual.
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  So these people, they're mad at the world and they're super
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  defensive. So it's like if you go through
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  life saying anybody who tries to give me feedback that I don't
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  like is out to get me or is wrong, then you are like really?
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  Really closing off your options to learn more about yourself.
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  And if you open up your options and you're looking for ways to
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  learn more about yourself, then you can really, truly grow as a
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  person. And then you tend to move up in
• 12:34
  whatever work situation you're in.
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  Because who does a boss want to work with, right?
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  They want to work with someone who could accept feedback.
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  Who do other people want to work with?
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  Somebody who could accept feedback?
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  If you are known as somebody who can't accept feedback, then
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  you're basically just going to stay where you're at in your
• 12:48
  career. You're not going to move
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  forward. In order to have your own
• 12:51
  business, you have to be able to accept feedback.
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  You have to be able to roll with it, right?
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  So, you know, for example, even my small business compared to
• 13:01
  the businesses of people that are my clients, this, this
• 13:05
  doctor psych mom business, if enough people tell me that they
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  are not interested in something that I'm sharing and it's very
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  easy to see that on social media, right?
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  So you know, if if I write a something about empathy, I do a
• 13:17
  little video on empathy and like nobody cares.
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  There's no likes. I I I can't just like double
• 13:22
  down and be like, oh, I'm just going to do like 15 more about
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  empathy because who who am I punishing?
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  Me. No, nobody's going to look at my
• 13:29
  stuff, right. And then I can't market my
• 13:30
  business. If I get a lot, that's I write
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  something about, you know, attachment, man.
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  Is that a big right? And a lot of people like it.
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  Then I have to be like, oh, maybe I thought it was like a
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  throwaway video, but I guess this is the direction people
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  want me to go in, right? So I got to do it.
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  It's certainly not like that's all that I can do.
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  And it's like not, you know, you know, we, we don't want to go
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  black and white because then, like, people might be like, oh,
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  so like you don't even care about attachment, do you?
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  Of course I care about attachments.
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  Why I made the damn video. But like, you got to say out of
• 14:02
  all the things that I care about, that I would be OK being
• 14:05
  my legacy for my brand, which are the things that people like
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  and respond to, right? You know, it it it's, it's just
• 14:13
  common sense. But a lot of times people's ego
• 14:16
  and they're very, very sensitive and defensive nature, which of
• 14:20
  course you learn growing up, then it it gets in the way of
• 14:24
  them being successful in any regard because they cannot
• 14:26
  accept feedback, They take everything super personally,
• 14:29
  right? So in that regard, the
• 14:31
  equivalent would be like, if I went on a tirade about why don't
• 14:34
  these people care about empathy, You know, This is why people you
• 14:37
  know are. This is why the Internet is
• 14:40
  terrible, because I put out something on empathy and nobody
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  gives a shit, right? Versus being like, oh, I guess
• 14:45
  that wasn't that interesting, you know, And then moving
• 14:48
  forward. So the way that you learn this
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  behavior, as I just touched on and is as is the case always, is
• 14:54
  at home. So if you had a parent who could
• 14:56
  never accept feedback, who could never apologize, who could never
• 14:59
  say they were wrong, who could never say there was an alternate
• 15:02
  way to view anything, then definitionally that is a closed
• 15:06
  minded person and a defensive person.
• 15:08
  And that's how you learn to be. Maybe not as bad as them, but in
• 15:11
  the same vein you learn to struggle with the same things
• 15:14
  because you never had a role model that was coachable.
• 15:18
  This coach ability is super huge with kids.
• 15:20
  People love it like like when when when they their kid gets
• 15:23
  like a good coach or a good tutor, somebody who could really
• 15:26
  stretch them and give them feedback and whatever.
• 15:29
  Parents are over the moon because they know instinctively
• 15:31
  this is such a good quality. But then they don't think, how
• 15:34
  could I model frequently they they do think it.
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  But some people then do not go that step further and say how
• 15:40
  can I model coachability in my home?
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  What would it be like for my son to see my wife say I don't like
• 15:46
  that shirt and I laugh and I'm like, oh, this shirt, you know.
• 15:50
  OK, cool. Like, I I don't like it either.
• 15:52
  Here, I'll take it off right now.
• 15:54
  Put it, put it in the trash, you know?
• 15:56
  Good. Tell me more stuff.
• 15:57
  Like I want to be handsome for you, sweetheart, versus say, Oh
• 16:03
  well, I'll well, I mean, well. I mean, I I I thought I I I
• 16:07
  thought you did. But, you know, that's fine,
• 16:11
  fine. OK, like what does your son
• 16:14
  learn from the latter, which is something you know, that some
• 16:16
  people react like he's learning. If you get feedback, it's
• 16:19
  terrible, it's scary. It's really scaring dad in this
• 16:22
  moment. That's why he's acting so off
• 16:24
  kilter and off balance. Then he thinks either either he
• 16:28
  could go one of two ways, he could go either like Dad's a
• 16:30
  pussy, which is not a very good male role model, or he could be
• 16:32
  like mom's a bitch. Why did she make dad feel bad
• 16:35
  like that versus like the first guy rips off his shirt and says
• 16:38
  screw it, you know, Good point. You know, I'm not a fashionista.
• 16:43
  Maybe we'll get me some more this weekend, you know, here,
• 16:46
  Let's donate it, you know, or like, whatever.
• 16:49
  Like, let's make a pin cushion out of it.
• 16:50
  Who gives a shit, right? Like that guy.
• 16:52
  Like the kid is laughing, The kids like, oh, I guess we just
• 16:55
  take feedback, you know, Like, that's being a man.
• 16:57
  I just take feedback. Now, of course, being a woman
• 16:59
  should be being able to take feedback too.
• 17:01
  However, what I'm talking about seeing is that the top of the
• 17:06
  top men, they, like, really don't give a shit.
• 17:09
  And you know they just really don't give a shit.
• 17:12
  And I I don't see that as much as the top of the top women.
• 17:15
  I still see some more defensiveness.
• 17:19
  It's true. I it's I'm, it's the same for me
• 17:21
  as well. I'm sure you know is that if I
• 17:23
  was a man I would be like fuck that empathy video.
• 17:26
  I'll now destroy everything on empathy.
• 17:28
  You know what? I'll do everything on
• 17:29
  attachment. It would be easier for me to do
• 17:31
  possibly. Why do I think this Women, I
• 17:34
  think, do have a little more empathy.
• 17:36
  You know, I mean, I hate to say it, but, you know, it's the
• 17:38
  truth. I do think that women
• 17:40
  instinctively from, you know, it's just a hormonal mother is.
• 17:44
  I don't know what it is, but like, I I do not usually have to
• 17:47
  work on empathy as much with individual female clients as
• 17:51
  with individual male clients. I think it's a hormone thing.
• 17:53
  It's testosterone, whatever it is, actually have a post Does
• 17:56
  your testosterone prevent you from empathizing with your wife?
• 17:58
  And it's a good post. You should check it out.
• 18:00
  So given that, I think there is a lot more sensitivity to other
• 18:05
  people's reactions, a lot more rejection sensitivity, which by
• 18:09
  the way is a hallmark of depression.
• 18:11
  And depression is more common in women.
• 18:14
  And so I do think that, you know, if if you're a guy
• 18:17
  listening to this, there's a possibility that you can get
• 18:20
  like infinitely coachable, you know, like and and really never
• 18:24
  feel like you're going to cry at somebody's feedback.
• 18:26
  Where is that would be harder for the average woman,
• 18:29
  especially hard for us. Like in the second-half of the
• 18:31
  cycle, you know that's when you feel like you're going to cry a
• 18:33
  lot. And so if you're a guy listening
• 18:36
  to this and you get to a place where you can accept feedback
• 18:39
  just like a motherfucker, like super good, your marriage will
• 18:42
  improve no matter what she does. Just like if she started to be
• 18:46
  more sexual with you, your marriage would improve no matter
• 18:49
  what you did. Sometimes one person's just got
• 18:52
  a start, you know? So if so, basically the TLDR is
• 18:55
  if you listen to this and you're like, yeah, OK, I could grow
• 18:57
  more better with feedback, but only if she does first, because
• 18:59
  she's the problem. Then you just have to listen to
• 19:01
  this on and on and on and on until you understand that that's
• 19:05
  not the way to respond, that that has nothing to do with your
• 19:09
  actualization as a man or your relationship or your career.
• 19:13
  Getting better is what she does. What she does is what she does.
• 19:15
  Who cares to to a certain degree, Who cares?
• 19:18
  You can't really change her. You could change.
• 19:20
  You and I say the same thing to women who come in and they say,
• 19:22
  how can I make my husband be better at cleaning the house?
• 19:25
  I'm like, I don't fucking know, you know?
• 19:27
  I mean, but it beats me. But what we can be better at is
• 19:31
  figuring out how do you care less, How do you communicate
• 19:34
  what you need more? Can you in fact get him into
• 19:36
  therapy? You know, if it's so that he can
• 19:38
  maybe have a different perspective on it, but can you
• 19:40
  make him do something? Not unless you have a gun to his
• 19:42
  head, which I don't recommend as a therapist.
• 19:45
  So you know, I mean, that just is what it is.
• 19:47
  All right. I hope you guys found this
• 19:49
  interesting. And thank you for listening.
• 19:51
  Please do subscribe and I'll talk to you all soon.
• 19:52
  Have a great day.