Latest / The Nadia Chapman Show / The Invisible Rules Running Your Life (and How to Rewrite Them)

Transcript

The Invisible Rules Running Your Life (and How to Rewrite Them) · The Nadia Chapman Show

• 0:06
  Hey there, welcome back to the Nadia Chapman Show. I'm your host,
• 0:09
  Nadia Chapman. And today I want to talk about something that most of us don't
• 0:13
  even realize is happening.
• 0:16
  Something that quietly influences your decisions and your relationships and
• 0:21
  your confidence and sometimes even the entire direction of your lives.
• 0:26
  And that is the invisible rules that we live by.
• 0:30
  Now, when I say rules, I'm not talking about laws or the rules written in a handbook somewhere.
• 0:37
  Of course not. I'm talking about the rules that we created in our minds,
• 0:41
  maybe close to something that we call limiting beliefs, if you know a little
• 0:46
  bit about coaching and what limiting beliefs are.
• 0:49
  The ones nobody officially taught us, maybe, but somehow, sometimes,
• 0:54
  you know, we've accepted them as absolute truth.
• 0:58
  And I'm going to give you a few examples. Rules like, oh, I should always make
• 1:02
  everyone happy, or I shouldn't disappoint people, or maybe it's I should have
• 1:07
  everything figured out by now, or things like I should never make a mistake.
• 1:13
  And one that's very famous is, oh, I shouldn't, you know, ask for help,
• 1:17
  or I should always be productive. And another one that I hear quite often is,
• 1:21
  oh, you know, I should know better.
• 1:24
  Oh, that stuff. I know that you know where I'm going with this.
• 1:27
  I don't know if this sounds familiar.
• 1:29
  The funny thing is that most of us never stop to question these stupid rules
• 1:34
  that we, you know, live our life by.
• 1:37
  We simply just obey them. And because they're invisible, we don't really challenge them.
• 1:43
  We don't even realize that they're running the show. They're leading our lives.
• 1:47
  So a few years ago, I started noticing how often people would come to me feeling
• 1:52
  kind of stuck. They wanted to make a change and they're plateauing in their
• 1:56
  career or if they're an athlete.
• 1:58
  Or they want to start a business or leave a relationship or just even learn
• 2:03
  to speak up, whatever it is.
• 2:05
  Every time that we dug a little bit deeper, there was usually an invisible rule
• 2:11
  hiding underneath, like something like, oh, good people don't put themselves
• 2:15
  first or strong people don't struggle.
• 2:17
  Parents shouldn't take time for themselves. Or if I say no, people will be upset.
• 2:22
  A lot of people live by rules that they never chose.
• 2:26
  I think one of the most powerful questions we can ask ourselves is,
• 2:30
  who gave me that rule? And I'm totally serious here. Who decided that?
• 2:35
  Who decided that you should have your life figured out by a certain age?
• 2:39
  Right? Who decided that asking for help is weakness? Think about that.
• 2:45
  Who decided that your word is tied up in your productivity?
• 2:49
  I know that's something I struggle with. Some of these rules came from people
• 2:54
  around you, maybe your parents, maybe society, maybe from your childhood.
• 2:58
  A lot of those rules come from family and culture.
• 3:02
  And sometimes, especially now with social media, some rules maybe come from
• 3:06
  a single experience years ago that we turn into a life philosophy,
• 3:12
  you know, one occasion or one conversation, something that happened.
• 3:16
  But over time, these rules become so familiar and ingrained inside of us that
• 3:21
  they start to feel like they're facts.
• 3:24
  And this is your wake up call today. Familiarity doesn't make something true.
• 3:29
  And one of my favorite exercises that I like to do with coaching clients is
• 3:33
  asking them to complete a few sentences.
• 3:35
  You know, a good person should dot, dot, dot.
• 3:38
  A successful person should dot, dot, dot.
• 3:42
  You know, a teenager should dot, dot, dot. And so on.
• 3:46
  And what usually happens is quite fascinating. The answers come very,
• 3:51
  very quickly, like automatically.
• 3:54
  And hiding inside those answers are often this invisible rules that I'm talking
• 3:59
  about that we're carrying with us for years.
• 4:02
  Rules that we never even realize were there. Stupid rules that we live by that
• 4:08
  are just adding pressure and guilt and fear and perfectionism and self-doubt and you name it.
• 4:16
  And the truth is that many of us are absolutely exhausted, not because life is hard and life is busy.
• 4:23
  We are exhausted because we're trying to live up to this imaginary rule book
• 4:28
  we never chose and we never wrote.
• 4:32
  Think about that for a second. It's pretty powerful. You know,
• 4:35
  how much energy are you spending trying to be who you think you should be?
• 4:40
  Instead of maybe who you actually are, you know?
• 4:45
  How many decisions are being made because of obligation instead of alignment?
• 4:50
  Because of expectation instead of authenticity?
• 4:53
  I think one of the greatest forms of freedom is learning to question the rules.
• 4:57
  And obviously challenge your limiting beliefs. And maybe that's a topic for
• 5:01
  a different day. But not blindly reject them, but question them.
• 5:05
  Does this rule still serves me?
• 5:09
  You know, is it helping me become the person I want to be or is it keeping me
• 5:13
  small? Am I playing small because of this?
• 5:16
  Because here's what I've learned. Some rules deserve to stay,
• 5:19
  of course, and some rules help us.
• 5:22
  Antigrity matters. Kindness matters. Obviously, responsibility and commitment
• 5:28
  matter. But many of the rules that we carry with us aren't helping us. They are limiting us.
• 5:34
  And I know for me personally, one of the biggest invisible rules that I had
• 5:38
  to change was the belief that I needed everyone's approval.
• 5:43
  I learned to let go of that years ago, and it's so freeing.
• 5:47
  I realized that if someone was disappointed in me, I had done nothing wrong.
• 5:53
  And let me tell you, that rule will exhaust you because eventually you realize
• 5:58
  something is very important.
• 5:59
  You can be kind and perfect and still disappoint people.
• 6:04
  And you can be loving and patient and still say no to things and to people.
• 6:10
  And you can be a good person and still choose yourself first.
• 6:14
  See where I'm going with this? And that's not being selfish.
• 6:18
  That's healthy. Because sometimes growth looks like replacing an old rule with
• 6:24
  a better one. So instead of, oh, I must make everyone happy.
• 6:29
  Well, maybe the new rule becomes, oh, I can be kind without being responsible
• 6:34
  for everybody's feelings.
• 6:35
  And instead of I should never fail, well, maybe it becomes failure is part of learning.
• 6:41
  And as I'm saying this, can you feel how much lighter those rules are?
• 6:46
  That's because they're rooted in reality instead of perfection.
• 6:51
  And here's something that I've noticed. Many of our biggest breakthroughs happen
• 6:56
  the moment that we stop following a rule that was never ours in the beginning.
• 7:00
  The moment that you realize, you know what?
• 7:03
  Maybe I don't have to live this way. Maybe I don't have to carry so-and-so's expectation.
• 7:09
  Maybe I don't have to earn my worth. Or you know what? Maybe I don't have to prove myself. Huh?
• 7:14
  Maybe I get to decide. Because at the end of the day, your life is way too precious
• 7:19
  to be spent living by rules that don't belong to you. Maybe rules that people put on you.
• 7:25
  And you get to question them. And you get to rewrite them.
• 7:28
  And you get to choose which beliefs come with you into the next chapter of your
• 7:33
  life and which one stay behind.
• 7:35
  And here's a challenge for you this week.
• 7:38
  This is your little homework. pay attention to the word should.
• 7:42
  Every single time that you hear yourself say, oh, I should or I shouldn't,
• 7:47
  please pause for a second and get curious. I want you to ask yourself, who gave me that rule?
• 7:54
  Seriously? And is this true?
• 7:56
  Does it still serve me? And if not, what would I rather believe instead?
• 8:01
  Because that awareness is where freedom begins.
• 8:05
  And sometimes the most powerful thing that you can do isn't changing your life.
• 8:09
  It's changing the invisible rule that's been running your life.
• 8:14
  All right. Thank you so much for spending a few minutes with me today.
• 8:18
  If this episode made you think of someone, send it to them.
• 8:23
  And until next time, remember, not every rule deserves your obedience.
• 8:29
  Some deserve your curiosity and some deserve your permission to let them go. Aha.
• 8:34
  I'll see you in the next episode. Thanks for listening.