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Feeling Empty? Are You Asking for the Right Thing? · Doing Marriage Well

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  Doing Marriage Well for April 23rd, 2026 Feeling empty? Are you asking for the right thing?
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  Yesterday I mentioned trying to fill a need with something other than what we need.
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  The example I showed in the image was of a man standing next to a barrel labeled, Love.
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  The barrel was overflowing as his wife added more to it from a bucket labeled, Respect.
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  The man was complaining he needed more respect. Love and respect are not the
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  same thing, and while we need both, neither will satisfy the other need.
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  Men have been told they need respect.
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  This is true, but they also need love. If a man feels needing love is weak,
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  he might try to fill his love tank with respect.
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  That will never work, but it will make a mess of his marriage. Wives do this too.
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  Women are generally more risk-averse than men, and they long for safety and security.
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  But some women have been told seeking this from their husband
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  shows weakness or unhealthy dependence So she
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  may try to fill that need with something else Even if
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  her husband gives her what she asks for in great quantities She will
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  still feel the need for safety and security She may get frustrated with her
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  husband for not giving her what she needs But if he's giving her what she asks
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  for and she doesn't ask for what she needs The fault is not his Another way
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  needs go wrong is using our spouse
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  to medicate places that hurt This is no different than using alcohol,
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  food, or shopping To make ourselves feel better about a part of us that is empty or hurting.
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  Extra words of affirmation or gifts may numb your pain for a while But it won't
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  fix a pain that has nothing to do with those things Then there's trying to fix
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  something you lacked in the past By getting a great deal of it now If your parents
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  didn't give you the love that they should have You're hungry for love for a
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  valid reason But your spouse can't feel an emptiness that you brought into your marriage,
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  Even worse, you may not be able to feel the love from your spouse because of that emptiness,
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  You are like a black hole, sucking up everything they offer and still feeling
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  empty You need to address your parents'
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  failure and heal over that Then you will be able to feel the love your spouse
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  gives And your need will be something they can fill While the issue often lies
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  within our own self-awareness It could be your spouse They may be giving you
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  what they think they need rather than what you have said you need Or they may
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  have misunderstood what you ask for.
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  If you feel your spouse is not meeting your needs, spend some time praying.
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  What do you really need? Have you clearly asked for that?
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  If you're getting what you've asked for and still feel empty,
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  your need may be different.
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  If your spouse is not giving you what you need, figure out how to clarify your need.
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  If you've been clear and they're not meeting what you see as valid needs,
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  it's time for third-party help.
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  This is Paul, and needs look different for every couple.