Latest / She Resets: Mindset, Fitness, Confidence / Ep 14: Dealing with setbacks

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Ep 14: Dealing with setbacks · She Resets: Mindset, Fitness, Confidence

• 0:58
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, hello.
• 0:59
  SPEAKER_00: So week four, does that mean we are a third of the way through our 12-week mini-series?
• 1:07
  SPEAKER_00: Um, I think it does, although if you know me, you know math isn't my strong point.
• 1:12
  SPEAKER_00: Um, but yeah, 4812, it is, it is week four, third of the way.
• 1:16
  SPEAKER_00: So we have set our goals, we've looked at our progress versus perfection selves.
• 1:26
  SPEAKER_00: We have looked at how overthinking and overwhelm can get in the way.
• 1:31
  SPEAKER_00: And this week I want to start think getting you to think about setbacks, about failure, and about finding your way through them.
• 1:41
  SPEAKER_00: Because setbacks and failure, they are normal, okay?
• 1:47
  SPEAKER_00: But I want to start by using that that word failure.
• 1:51
  SPEAKER_00: There's no such thing.
• 1:53
  SPEAKER_00: This is my absolute favorite NLP presupposition, and it says there's no such thing as failure, only feedback.
• 2:03
  SPEAKER_00: So we can learn from absolutely everything, okay?
• 2:08
  SPEAKER_00: So setbacks are part of the goal, are part of the um setbacks are part of the journey, is what I'm trying to say.
• 2:19
  SPEAKER_00: The journey to achieve our goals.
• 2:22
  SPEAKER_00: So if you're working towards any kind of goal, whether it's improving your fitness, building your confidence, changing your mindset, starting something new, or simply trying to create a change in your life that feels better, at some point something will go wrong.
• 2:42
  SPEAKER_00: You'll have a bad day, you'll lose motivation, you'll miss a workout, you'll make a decision that you wish you hadn't made, you'll fall back into an old habit, you'll question whether you can actually do it.
• 2:57
  SPEAKER_00: And sometimes you might just feel like you've completely blown it.
• 3:02
  SPEAKER_00: And I know that you'll have learned a lot from the week where we talked about perfection versus progress.
• 3:08
  SPEAKER_00: So this is kind of building on that.
• 3:11
  SPEAKER_00: So a setback is not the end of your journey, it's information that you can use to keep moving forward.
• 3:19
  SPEAKER_00: Okay.
• 3:20
  SPEAKER_00: Setback does not mean you've failed, it does not mean you've gone back to the beginning.
• 3:26
  SPEAKER_00: It certainly doesn't mean that you have to wait until Monday next month or January the 1st to start again.
• 3:33
  SPEAKER_00: So today is about understanding why setbacks feel so much bigger than they really are, about changing the way that you interpret setbacks and learning to use them as information rather than evidence that you can't do it.
• 3:52
  SPEAKER_00: So we're going to turn setbacks into fuel and motivation, and we're gonna build that ability to be able to get on track like nothing's happened and not start over.
• 4:06
  SPEAKER_00: So, setbacks can feel like failure.
• 4:09
  SPEAKER_00: We all know that, of course they can.
• 4:12
  SPEAKER_00: And one of the reasons setbacks can feel so difficult is because of how much we want something, the meaning we attach to them.
• 4:21
  SPEAKER_00: So let's say you've been working really hard on something, you've been exercising regularly, you've been making time for yourself, you've been making progress, and then you have a difficult week, a busy week.
• 4:37
  SPEAKER_00: Something happens, a curveball comes along, you don't exercise, you feel tired, you eat differently, you don't stick to the plan that you'd made, and the event itself might be relatively small, but then we start to create a story around it.
• 4:59
  SPEAKER_00: Think back to that thought loop of last week.
• 5:03
  SPEAKER_00: I've messed up, and you won't be able to keep it up.
• 5:07
  SPEAKER_00: This is why I never succeed, I've ruined everything.
• 5:11
  SPEAKER_00: And suddenly one difficult week becomes evidence of a much bigger story.
• 5:17
  SPEAKER_00: The problem isn't always the setback itself.
• 5:21
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes the problem is the meaning we attach to it.
• 5:26
  SPEAKER_00: Because there's quite a big difference between these two statements.
• 5:31
  SPEAKER_00: I had a difficult week and I'm such a failure.
• 5:37
  SPEAKER_00: One describes an event.
• 5:39
  SPEAKER_00: A difficult week is an event, the other becomes an identity.
• 5:45
  SPEAKER_00: I am a failure.
• 5:48
  SPEAKER_00: And when a setback becomes part of what we tell ourselves we are, who we are, it becomes so much harder to move forward.
• 6:01
  SPEAKER_00: So you've got this again, all or nothing setback loop.
• 6:07
  SPEAKER_00: You get caught up in a pattern, you've set your goal, you've made progress, you have a setback, then you have negative you have negative thoughts, then negative emotions, and then you give up.
• 6:25
  SPEAKER_00: So, for example, you start going to the gym, you go consistently for three weeks, then you miss a session.
• 6:33
  SPEAKER_00: You think through my progress, you feel disappointed, you feel guilty, you feel like you can't get that time back because you can't.
• 6:44
  SPEAKER_00: And you think, what's the point?
• 6:47
  SPEAKER_00: And because you then decide that you've already failed, you stop altogether.
• 6:53
  SPEAKER_00: One missed workout becomes three weeks away from the gym, one difficult day becomes a difficult month, one setback becomes a reason to abandon the entire goal.
• 7:08
  SPEAKER_00: We're only on week four, there's eight weeks left.
• 7:11
  SPEAKER_00: This is why I'm covering this topic early.
• 7:14
  SPEAKER_00: So you can make sure that any setbacks that come your way don't make you stop and give up.
• 7:22
  SPEAKER_00: So we need this pattern to look differently.
• 7:26
  SPEAKER_00: You've set your goal, you've made some progress, you have a setback.
• 7:33
  SPEAKER_00: Instead of the negative thoughts, you pause, you take a minute, you learn from it, you adjust, and you carry on.
• 7:43
  SPEAKER_00: The setback is still there, the difficult thing still happened, but doesn't have the same power as it did.
• 7:55
  SPEAKER_00: And this is the difference between someone who gives up after experience a setback and someone who succeeds in spite of them.
• 8:08
  SPEAKER_00: Despite them, despite of them.
• 8:12
  SPEAKER_00: Answers on a postcard.
• 8:15
  SPEAKER_00: Because successful people don't not have setbacks.
• 8:19
  SPEAKER_00: Of course they do, they just have a different response to them.
• 8:24
  SPEAKER_00: So setbacks are information, feedback.
• 8:31
  SPEAKER_00: And this is a really important shift.
• 8:35
  SPEAKER_00: Think of a setback as feedback, setback as feedback.
• 8:40
  SPEAKER_00: It can tell you something.
• 8:42
  SPEAKER_00: Perhaps your plan for that week or that goal was unrealistic.
• 8:48
  SPEAKER_00: Perhaps you tried to do too much at once.
• 8:53
  SPEAKER_00: Perhaps you're just exhausted, you didn't have enough support, or something unexpected happened.
• 9:01
  SPEAKER_00: You haven't prepared for a difficult situation.
• 9:05
  SPEAKER_00: Perhaps you triggered an old habit that you didn't realise until it came to light.
• 9:12
  SPEAKER_00: And none of the above mean you can't do it, just means that something about what you're doing needs adjusting.
• 9:21
  SPEAKER_00: So think of it like a sat nav.
• 9:24
  SPEAKER_00: Google Maps.
• 9:25
  SPEAKER_00: You get in the car, you put in your destination, and you start driving.
• 9:30
  SPEAKER_00: And then you reach a diversion.
• 9:34
  SPEAKER_00: The sat nav doesn't say, well, that's it, you'll never get there, turn back, give up.
• 9:41
  SPEAKER_00: It just recalculates a new route.
• 9:44
  SPEAKER_00: She's still heading towards the same destination.
• 9:47
  SPEAKER_00: You're just taking a different route.
• 9:51
  SPEAKER_00: So sometimes your journey towards the goal that you've set yourself will just require a little recalculation of the route.
• 10:03
  SPEAKER_00: Nothing is insurmountable.
• 10:08
  SPEAKER_00: So we've got to look at how we interpret setbacks.
• 10:12
  SPEAKER_00: So if you can, think of a recent setback you've experienced.
• 10:18
  SPEAKER_00: It could be something small, could be something significant, doesn't matter.
• 10:23
  SPEAKER_00: And now ask yourself what happened.
• 10:27
  SPEAKER_00: Try to describe the event without judging yourself.
• 10:32
  SPEAKER_00: So for example, I did I missed three workouts, didn't follow through with the plan I made.
• 10:38
  SPEAKER_00: I lost confidence, I stopped prioritizing myself, I let an old habit creep in.
• 10:47
  SPEAKER_00: And now ask yourself, what did I make that mean about me?
• 10:53
  SPEAKER_00: I think how did I interpret that?
• 10:56
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe, well, it's because I'm lazy, it's because I have no willpower.
• 11:03
  SPEAKER_00: I'll never change.
• 11:06
  SPEAKER_00: And then ask yourself, well, is that actually true?
• 11:13
  SPEAKER_00: Just take a step back and ask yourself, is that actually true?
• 11:20
  SPEAKER_00: Or is it simply the meaning that your brain has attached to this one event?
• 11:27
  SPEAKER_00: Because a setback is something that's happened, it's not who you are.
• 11:31
  SPEAKER_00: You know, you had a slice of toast for breakfast this morning, you are not a slice of toast.
• 11:38
  SPEAKER_00: So change the question.
• 11:42
  SPEAKER_00: So one of the best things you can do after a setback is change the question you're asking yourself.
• 11:48
  SPEAKER_00: So instead of why do I always do this?
• 11:51
  SPEAKER_00: Ask, what can I learn from this?
• 11:55
  SPEAKER_00: Or instead of I can never stick to anything, maybe, okay, what made it difficult this time?
• 12:04
  SPEAKER_00: Instead of what's wrong with me, maybe ask what support do I need now?
• 12:11
  SPEAKER_00: How can I change my strategy?
• 12:13
  SPEAKER_00: How can I adjust?
• 12:15
  SPEAKER_00: And instead of how do I get back to where I was, ask what's the next step from where I am now?
• 12:24
  SPEAKER_00: How do I recalculate?
• 12:27
  SPEAKER_00: Because you don't need to go back to the beginning, you just need to take a new next step.
• 12:33
  SPEAKER_00: So we've got to turn setbacks into fuel.
• 12:37
  SPEAKER_00: Because a setback can either become a reason to stop, or it can become a reason to learn something about yourself.
• 12:47
  SPEAKER_00: It can show where you need more support, where your plan needs to be more realistic, which situations trigger those old habits, what you need to prepare for, where you need stronger boundaries.
• 13:03
  SPEAKER_00: So sometimes the setbacks can actually strengthen your motivation.
• 13:09
  SPEAKER_00: Not through punishing yourself and beating yourself up for it, but by saying I understand myself better, I know what didn't work, and now I can use that information that I've learnt to make a different choice next time.
• 13:27
  SPEAKER_00: So that's how a setback becomes fuel.
• 13:31
  SPEAKER_00: You take the experience, you take the lesson, you leave any negative feelings like shame, embarrassment, failure behind, and you use what you've learned to move forward.
• 13:54
  SPEAKER_00: So I would really encourage you, like I always do, to just recognize these things when they come up.
• 14:09
  SPEAKER_00: Learn from them.
• 14:10
  SPEAKER_00: Start to ask yourself different questions.
• 14:17
  SPEAKER_00: A setback isn't a stop sign, it's a moment to pause, to learn, to adjust, and then to continue.
• 14:26
  SPEAKER_00: Let me know what you're doing with your setbacks.
• 14:30
  SPEAKER_00: Let me know how you're making sense of them.
• 14:32
  SPEAKER_00: Let me know what different questions you're asking, and let me know what you've learned from them.
• 14:37
  SPEAKER_00: And I'll be back next week.
• 14:40
  SPEAKER_00: Bye bye.