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Jealous of a Friend? Here's What That Feeling Is Actually Telling You · Friendship IRL: Real Talk About Friendship, Community, and What It Actually Takes

• 0:02
  Podcast Intro/Outro: All right, gang. Here's to nights that turn into mornings and friends that turn into family. Cheers. Hello, hello, and welcome to the Friendship IRL podcast. I'm your host, Alex Alexander. Each week we talk about what is working(and what is not) in our friendships, community and connections. Have you ever wished you could sit down and have a conversation about what is really going on in your friendships? Well, you found your people. Join us as we dive into real life stories and explore new ways to approach these connections. Together, we're reimagining the rules of friendship
• 0:57
  Alex Alexander: Have you ever had a friend share some news with you, and you are so freaking happy for them, but simultaneously, there is this feeling deep down inside that you can't quite name, and they've just shared this news, and it's like there's a battle happening, because you go a little quiet, you don't quite show the level of enthusiasm that you feel like you should be showing, because there are some feelings of jealousy or envy that have crept in and overshadowed your friend's really exciting news. Well, I'm here to tell you that you are not alone. I was out to dinner with some friends a couple weeks ago, and a friend of mine was describing how she felt like some really big news was coming her way soon. This goal something she has been working on for years. She has all these indicators that things are finally lining up. And as she is telling me this... I am hit with this immediate feeling, which makes no sense, because I'm truly, I'm truly over the moon, excited for her, but that is being overshadowed by this storm of feelings happening inside me.
• 2:26
  Alex Alexander: Like on one hand, I want to cry because I am so happy for her. I know how hard she has worked for this I know how much of a priority it's been for her. I have seen the ups, the downs, the sweat equity. But on the other hand, as soon as she says just the one line of her exciting news, that storm takes off inside me. Now there's a couple layers to this. There's one layer that has me wondering, like, what about me? Why not me?
• 2:59
  Alex Alexander: Which makes no sense, because I don't have the same goal that she has. But obviously there is something there that I am jealous of, envious of. I want something. And the moment, I can't quite pinpoint what that is, but it immediately hits me, and it's really confusing. So I'm like, I don't want that goal. So why can I not show up and be enthusiastic for her? But then there's this other layer where I'm thinking to myself, Okay, so if she achieves this which it looks like it's about to happen, what does that mean for our friendship? Things in her life are going to change?
• 3:39
  Alex Alexander: What does that look like? I didn't ask for this change, like I'm excited for her, but I'm not particularly excited for maybe the discomfort that comes in our friendship when something is different. Now this whole time, this is happening inside me in maybe 1520 seconds, and I am sitting there with a plastered on smile, staring at her, smiling, big, nodding, trying to look really enthusiastic, all while sorting out these thoughts in my head. I am sure she can tell that I am quieter than normal, and she probably can't put her finger on like quite what's happening Am I still trying to process what she said?
• 4:24
  Alex Alexander: Am I jealous or envious? This is definitely not my normal reaction, and the honest truth is I can't put a finger on exactly what's happening, but there is something that immediately took over inside of me that stopped me from being 100% over the top, enthusiastic for her win, that jealousy and that envy... it just hit.
• 4:50
  Alex Alexander: Without any actual logical thought in my brain, it just happened. And if you have ever been in this situation, then stick with me For this episode.
• 5:01
  Alex Alexander: Now, I think the first question we all wonder, I know I was wondering, when I was sitting there, processing all these thoughts at lightning speed, is, is this normal? Is it normal to feel jealous or envious of my friends? Why is this happening?
• 5:18
  Alex Alexander: Is something wrong with me? Am I a bad friend? And I would say that it is normal. And quite frankly, I don't think it has to just be about the big, obvious stuff. You could be jealous about all sorts of things. It's not just money or looks or travel or how they portray their life on social media. It can be anything at any time, and it doesn't necessarily have to be like the actual goal, like I was saying, it could be some underlying feeling that you can't quite put your finger on.
• 5:52
  Alex Alexander: I also think that it can be kind of a built up micro version. It could be that a friend has finally nailed a habit meditation, right? Maybe you've tried meditation 100 times and you have failed to implement it as a regular habit every single time, but a friend just decides on a whim to start meditating, and you're just sitting here being like, why can't I do that?
• 6:17
  Alex Alexander: What do they have that I don't you know another example of my personal life that comes to mind is, before I got my ADHD diagnosis, friends would often talk about, I don't know, something that they were able to do at work, how they went in and they just crushed their to do list this week.
• 6:37
  Alex Alexander: Got to celebrate that on Friday, how something was lining up, how they were able to just be so focused to get to their goal.
• 6:46
  Alex Alexander: Meanwhile, every night I would get to the end of the day, real story, and I would be so ashamed of myself because I had tried to check one item off my to do list, something really important, and I just couldn't get it done like no part of me could focus long enough to actually manage to check it off my list. And so as my friends were talking about how they were just knocking one thing after another, and I could see how it was showing up in their life in really positive ways. There was this kind of deep, aching version of jealousy and envy that lived there for a long time, and I just didn't know why. So the point is, you don't know what will cause the jealousy and envy. It will probably strike at the most inconvenient of times. It may not be one pinnacle moment. It might be this long term, deep, aching thing that happens to you. And I don't think that the way that I experience jealousy and envy is probably the way that somebody else does. It's probably not going to look the same way, but I do think that everyone experiences jealousy and envy in their friendships, so therefore it's normal and it's a very, very human experience. Now something, if you've heard me mention jealousy and envy, while I was researching this episode, I realized these are actually very different things. We always talk about jealousy and comparison and friendships, but we need to talk about envy too. So a very quick distinction for you: envy is wanting what someone else has. It's a scarcity feeling.
• 8:36
  Alex Alexander: It's when you think I want that.
• 8:36
  Alex Alexander: So when I was talking about my friend earlier. It was the moment where I was thinking to myself, I want, not necessarily what she's about to achieve, but this feeling that somehow is associated with that, like I want, that feeling I don't have, that Feeling jealousy is when you're fearing that you'll lose something that is already yours.
• 9:03
  Alex Alexander: It is a threat feeling. I don't want this to change.
• 9:07
  Alex Alexander: So when I was mentioning, how is this going to impact our friendship, that was jealousy.
• 9:11
  Alex Alexander: Both envy and jealousy were alive and well in that moment I had at the dinner table. Often.
• 9:21
  Alex Alexander: I think we are experiencing both, and we don't really know it in the moment, I certainly didn't. I sat there in the moment trying to untangle it, probably looking incredibly confused to my friend, and I decided pretty quickly, like, I'm probably not going to untangle this right here, right now, especially when she is looking at me, waiting for me to cheer her on. It was a few days after that dinner that I finally did start to reflect and untangle where I realized that that envy piece that it wasn't that I wanted the. Exact goal she wanted. But what I did want was this feeling that I am convinced, right, or I deep down, believe, comes with her achieving that there's a sort of ease, a sort of deep breath feeling feels like some sort of guarantee that comes with what she wants. I don't want her life necessarily. I don't necessarily want the goal she has, but I want that feeling deeply, obviously, because it hit me like a brick wall. But there's also that jealousy, piece of, if she achieves this goal, what does that look like for us? What will be different because I didn't choose for her to shift her life, and I'm not necessarily jealous of her. I am jealous that her situation might change our friendships, and I have to do this work to navigate that when I'm not really getting any positive impact in my life.
• 11:01
  Alex Alexander: I mean, I am. I'm happy for her, but my life is not really changing. Those are two different feelings, both completely valid and both happening simultaneously. Now, why does this hit hardest with our friends? Because when you think about it, I think we regularly watch influencers, TV, star, actresses, actors, movie plot lines, public figures at a distance. We see all sorts of people that have what we want.
• 11:32
  Alex Alexander: They have that look, that style, that body, that money, they have, that ease, that they can just book something last minute.
• 11:42
  Alex Alexander: They don't have to think twice about the funds and where they're going to come from. But at a distance, it's abstract.
• 11:51
  Alex Alexander: But your friend, your friend, is a person just like you. You know their faults, you know their up, its and downs, and suddenly the thing that you want feels very real. It's not just this far off thing of like, Wouldn't it be nice? You are watching someone you know actually achieve it, which suddenly makes you be like, okay, so if we're friends and we're living kind of similar lives and we have all this overlap, why can't I achieve it?
• 12:24
  Alex Alexander: It's not a far out dream anymore. It's in your face, and along the way, you are going to watch every micro win, every up and down, every feeling that comes with it. And I think that's what really turns up the dial on the why not me? You know, if we had to give an example here, if you are somebody who really, really, really wants to get pregnant and have a healthy baby, and your friend tells you that and that envy comes in, maybe there's not even jealousy. You are just so overwhelmed by envy, possibly. Maybe it's both you now have... forever, right?
• 13:05
  Alex Alexander: Every micro win, every up and down, every feeling that comes with it, your friend wants to talk about that and the entire time that makes it very, very loud when you're wondering, why not me, which is why we need to make it so normal in our friendship cultures that two emotions can absolutely co exist at the same time. You can be genuinely excited for your friend, like I was sitting across the table. I can find that in myself, like I know that is there. It just feels like it has, honestly, like a wet blanket on top of it, where there are all these other voices yelling inside of me, and they aren't about her, really. They have everything to do with what I feel like I'm lacking, what I want, and my fear of change, and I don't think that makes me a bad friend. It makes me incredibly human. So this is all great and fine and dandy, right?
• 15:14
  Alex Alexander: But you're probably just sitting here being like, Alex, what do I do? So let's talk about what we usually do, and then maybe what we should do instead.
• 15:27
  Alex Alexander: I think that most of us try to shut it off. I did, sitting at that table, right? I said. I sat there smiling, trying so hard to make the way my face looked not show this storm that was happening in front of me. I performed enthusiasm. I felt a little bit like a fraud. And then we get quiet. We start avoiding we stop sharing as much. We stop asking questions, because we don't want to hear all those micro winds and ups and downs, because it just continues to feed that storm inside of us over time, the friendship starts to go cold and. Sometimes people know why, right? They could read our face.
• 16:09
  Alex Alexander: And other times people are wondering. Our friend is wondering, like, what happened?
• 16:12
  Alex Alexander: We've always been so invested, why are we so quiet? Now maybe they didn't know that this was something you wanted. Maybe you didn't know. So how could they have anticipated? How could they soften the blow? I can't imagine that my friend knew that her news would impact me, because I truly don't have a similar goal, but it did, and I think that's what jealousy does. If you leave it unprocessed, it doesn't announce itself. It just slowly creates distance, awkward pauses, silence, longer and longer spans of unanswered text messages, more last minute cancelations, right? You told yourself you could get together and that you could handle it, and then at the last minute, it just feels too overwhelming to go and pretend like you're okay.
• 17:03
  Alex Alexander: So what do we actually do about it in the moment? Now, I was lucky, and I hope that you are lucky, but we won't always be.
• 17:12
  Alex Alexander: If you are lucky, there are other people at the table. Let them carry the enthusiasm. Will you find your footing? In my case, there are multiple of us at dinner. Other people were overly enthusiastic in a very true, honest way, and that bought me time to recognize that this storm was happening, and to try and remind myself like I will deal with this later. But there is a part of me that is excited for her.
• 17:42
  Alex Alexander: Can I access that? Even though it wasn't the 100% enthusiasm I wish it was. I can tap back into that later as well. Down the line, I can bring it back. I can tell her how excited I am. Now, if it's one on one and your friend can see your face, then my suggestion would be that that distance grows in silence. So instead, name it, name what is happening. You could say something like, I am so excited for you, truly. I just was hit with this initial feeling that there is some part of what you're getting that I want for myself, but I'm going to think about that later, because right now, I am so excited for you, and I think that that's better than performing as if nothing is happening inside of you, right?
• 18:29
  Alex Alexander: You are acknowledging that two feelings exist, but you really, truly do have two feelings, like you are really excited for them.
• 18:37
  Alex Alexander: And I think that's better than performing that everything is perfectly fine and nothing is happening inside of you. What is jealousy telling you, right when you walk away from that interaction, when you've told them, like, Hey, I'm going to think about this and I'm going to process this, what is the jealousy and the envy telling you? I believe that jealousy and envy are information. They are a prompt. They are a cue to sit down and spend some time with yourself. What is that storm?
• 19:11
  Alex Alexander: Try and untangle it? For me, it took a few days to figure out what was actually underneath that feeling I had at dinner.
• 19:19
  Alex Alexander: Because, as I mentioned before, it wasn't the goal itself. I don't want what she wants, but it is the feeling, I believe, that she is stepping into, this feeling of ease, alignment of things, finally lining up, of that big, scary goal you put out there, like being able to say you achieved that. That's what I want, and once I know that I have something to work with.
• 19:44
  Alex Alexander: Because here's the craziest part, is when we start talking about the jealousy and the envy, then I can realize I have a real life example of someone that's just like me, someone who I know their ups and downs, someone who has at least some overlap with my pattern, even if you're like My friend, lives a totally different life, right? They were born with a silver spoon in their mouth. What parts is there? 10% 20% what can you replicate? Where are you starting from? The same platform. So instead of being consumed by this idea of like, why not me? Now, when I'm on this journey with my friend of their micros, ups and downs and whatnot, it's information. What steps are they taking? What ideas do they have? What would I do if I was in this situation?
• 20:38
  Alex Alexander: Because hopefully I will be in this situation. Can I tell them that I have not at the same goal, but in my case, a similar goal, and then I'm just really feeling charged up to take some action. Can we have some accountability around that? Or maybe you don't tell them as much, but you're just there to watch them navigate it, and if anything, that makes you more prepared for when you get there, when. You get there, because this is a reminder that this is possible for you, for somebody just like you, that it's not some far off abstract idea. It's real, and you're watching it happen in real time. Now, if you're somebody that's like, I don't think I could tell my friend. I would say that I get it. I think it depends on every friendship, I would hope that if this is a long term friendship where you have navigated conflict in the past, that you can name it, you can tell them that you're jealous. Be like, I'm so excited for you, and I'm also sitting in some big feelings that I'm going to work to figure out, honest, simple, bring the focus back to them.
• 21:48
  Alex Alexander: But I understand how if it's a newer friendship or a less tested friendship, then your inclination is to process first privately and then come back either way, I think that bringing up the fact that there are dueling emotions happening simultaneously, it isn't a betrayal of your friend. It's actually an invitation. You're not making it about you. You're saying I care about you enough to be real with you, and I'm also going to do the work to strip that wet blanket away and fully find my enthusiasm for you. I am going to do that because you deserve that.
• 22:28
  Alex Alexander: Because I think when you have that kind of honesty in your friendship, when you create a friendship where you do the work, where you can acknowledge dueling emotions, where you can tell them that you're going to go work on it and come back, that shifts your friendship culture in a deep way.
• 22:47
  Alex Alexander: Suddenly you're making it accessible for anyone to have feelings that exist in a moment, including theirs, but today yours. So what do we take away from this? Jealousy does not make you a bad friend. It makes you human, and acknowledging it, naming it even imperfectly, makes you more human. And when you do that, you shift the culture of your friendship. You make it safe to be where you actually are, while still doing the work to circle back to your friendship and give it the love and enthusiasm and excitement that it deserves. So often, I think we judge based on that first impression. And I know personally, there have been so many times where I am struck with my own emotions. It's not too late to go back later and explain and be overly enthusiastic and lean into ways that show them that you really are truly excited for them. I think the goal here isn't to have no feelings. It's to let the feelings tell you something useful and then bring that information back to your friendship with that. I'll see you next week.
• 24:06
  Podcast Intro/Outro: Thank you for listening to this episode of Friendship IRL. I am so honored to have these conversations with you. But don't let the chat die here. Send me a voice message. I created a special website just to chat with you. You can find it at alexalex.chat. You can also find me on Instagram. My handle, @itsalexalexander. Or go ahead and leave a review wherever you prefer to listen to podcasts. Now if you want to take this conversation a step further, send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting. And use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out. No need for a teary goodbye. I'll be back with a new episode next week.