Latest / Inside The Consulting Room - Understanding the Child Behind the Behaviour / Breaking The Giver–Taker Loop In Relationships

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Breaking The Giver–Taker Loop In Relationships · Inside The Consulting Room - Understanding the Child Behind the Behaviour

• 0:01
  SPEAKER_00: Hello, this is Kim Lee.
• 0:02
  SPEAKER_00: I'm child and adolescent psychotherapist in the children's consultancy, and this is another podcast in the series.
• 0:12
  SPEAKER_00: This one's a bit different though, because it's about dynamics in adult relationships, not exclusively, but cycles of behavior which are self-maintaining and ultimately quite limiting and potentially damaging.
• 0:29
  SPEAKER_00: And they happen in families too.
• 0:33
  SPEAKER_00: What I'm talking about is a the giver, the taker, and the quiet trap of rescuing.
• 0:39
  SPEAKER_00: So there are some relationships that can feel deeply loving on the surface.
• 0:44
  SPEAKER_00: One person is generous, attentive, endlessly available.
• 0:49
  SPEAKER_00: The other is struggling, overwhelmed, or in need, and being needed becomes the glue that holds them together.
• 0:57
  SPEAKER_00: And at first it feels like care, like devotion, like purpose.
• 1:02
  SPEAKER_00: And the taker will often say it's kindness, but over time something begins to ache.
• 1:10
  SPEAKER_00: Today I want to talk about the dynamics of the giver and the taker, or what's often described as the cycle of rescuing and being rescued, and why it can quietly erode both people involved.
• 1:24
  SPEAKER_00: We slip into roles of one kind or another, and in these relationships, roles often form without anyone consciously choosing them.
• 1:34
  SPEAKER_00: One person becomes the giver, the emotional organizer, the one who anticipates needs, the one who smooths, fixes, soothes, and rescues, and they'll go to extraordinary lengths.
• 1:48
  SPEAKER_00: But the other becomes the taker, the one in distress, the one who leans upon, relies upon, and who receives.
• 1:57
  SPEAKER_00: And the one whose pain sets the emotional temperature of the relationship.
• 2:03
  SPEAKER_00: Interestingly, such people quite often will never express gratitude.
• 2:09
  SPEAKER_00: It's almost as if they take the acts of the other for granted.
• 2:16
  SPEAKER_00: Well that generally speaking doesn't work too well.
• 2:37
  SPEAKER_00: The giver often believes if I don't help, I'm selfish.
• 2:41
  SPEAKER_00: If I stop, the other person will fall apart.
• 2:45
  SPEAKER_00: My value is in what I provide.
• 2:48
  SPEAKER_00: Giving becomes a way of staying connected, of staying safe, of avoiding conflict, abandonment or guilt.
• 2:56
  SPEAKER_00: But here's the cost.
• 2:58
  SPEAKER_00: The giver slowly disappears because their needs become smaller or even unrecognized.
• 3:05
  SPEAKER_00: Their exhaustion becomes normalized.
• 3:09
  SPEAKER_00: Their resentment becomes buried under a sense of responsibility.
• 3:14
  SPEAKER_00: So why does the taker keep taking?
• 3:17
  SPEAKER_00: Well, they may never have learned how to self-soothe or self-stabilize.
• 3:24
  SPEAKER_00: They might feel genuinely overwhelmed, frightened, or incapable without support.
• 3:30
  SPEAKER_00: They often believe I can't cope alone.
• 3:32
  SPEAKER_00: Someone must help me.
• 3:34
  SPEAKER_00: If I'm not in distress, I'll be abandoned.
• 3:38
  SPEAKER_00: And so the dependency deepens, not because of malice, but because of the fact that emotional independence feels terrifying.
• 3:47
  SPEAKER_00: And quite often such people will present themselves as if they are deeply independent.
• 3:54
  SPEAKER_00: They will present themselves as capable people and they will act like capable people.
• 4:00
  SPEAKER_00: However, underneath all of that lies a network of complex emotional and psychological mechanisms that see them repeating the same behaviors.
• 4:14
  SPEAKER_00: And what you will also see in such people is that they will have a history of people letting them down, and they will tell you, and they will tell you that they are the victims of other people's abandonment.
• 4:33
  SPEAKER_00: And I have to say that my response has tended to be one where I have verbally and actively acknowledged the behavior of the person that has left, the person who has disappeared or rejected.
• 4:51
  SPEAKER_00: Internally I'm saying this is a pattern.
• 4:54
  SPEAKER_00: This isn't about others, this is about you.
• 4:58
  SPEAKER_00: But here's where the trap forms.
• 5:01
  SPEAKER_00: The giver rescues.
• 5:03
  SPEAKER_00: The taker feels temporary relief.
• 5:07
  SPEAKER_00: Nothing fundamentally changes.
• 5:10
  SPEAKER_00: The crisis returns, the giver rescues again, and over time the giver becomes depleted and resentful.
• 5:18
  SPEAKER_00: The taker becomes increasingly dependent, and the relationship becomes organized around crisis, namely the crisis of the taker.
• 5:28
  SPEAKER_00: There is no growth in that.
• 5:29
  SPEAKER_00: And this isn't love.
• 5:31
  SPEAKER_00: Although it feels intense and meaningful, it's actually toxic.
• 5:35
  SPEAKER_00: And this dynamic because this dynamic isn't built on mutuality.
• 5:40
  SPEAKER_00: True intimacy requires two people with need, two people with limits, two people who can survive disappointment, and two people who reciprocate.
• 5:53
  SPEAKER_00: A relationship where there is no reciprocation is emotionally injurious.
• 6:01
  SPEAKER_00: So in rescue relationships, one person holds responsibility while the other holds vulnerability, and it is a toxic trap.
• 6:11
  SPEAKER_00: But what change looks like doesn't mean abandoning care, it means withdrawing rescue whilst keeping connection.
• 6:18
  SPEAKER_00: For the giver, this might mean allowing discomfort without fixing it, saying no without explanation, tolerating one's own guilt while honoring oneself.
• 6:30
  SPEAKER_00: For the taker, it may mean sitting with the distress without outsourcing it, learning self-regulation, and discovering emotional agency rather than collapsing.
• 6:42
  SPEAKER_00: It's hard and it often feels cruel before it feels healthy.
• 6:47
  SPEAKER_00: But this is the beginning of real relationships.
• 6:51
  SPEAKER_00: And this shows up in families because many parents recognize this dynamic with their children, particularly anxious adolescents.
• 6:59
  SPEAKER_00: So when a child struggles, parents rescue out of love.
• 7:02
  SPEAKER_00: But when rescue becomes constant, children never learn emotional resilience, problem solving, and trust in their own capacity.
• 7:12
  SPEAKER_00: So sometimes the most loving act is to remain present without rescuing.
• 7:18
  SPEAKER_00: Now, if you recognize yourself in either role, ask yourself some questions.
• 7:25
  SPEAKER_00: Yes, the origins of this type of behavior will have their roots in early childhood.
• 7:35
  SPEAKER_00: So whilst we can make connections if we spend the time to think, we also have to take responsibility.
• 7:43
  SPEAKER_00: What I mean by that is that if you are somebody who is regarded as a taker and you regard yourself as the victim of other people's inability to tolerate you, they are critical of you.
• 8:00
  SPEAKER_00: Remember this.
• 8:02
  SPEAKER_00: If it happens once, that is an episode that was very unfortunate.
• 8:08
  SPEAKER_00: If it keeps happening, you need to ask yourself some serious questions and also those who have left you because they are simply out of care.
• 8:19
  SPEAKER_00: And I say this because takers damage.
• 8:25
  SPEAKER_00: Curiously, so do givers, because givers can disempower others.
• 8:30
  SPEAKER_00: So I think a really helpful thing to do is to take a good look at yourself, not from the point of view of giving yourself a hard time, because that won't help.
• 8:41
  SPEAKER_00: Understanding how we are means that we are then in a position where it's possible to move forward.
• 8:50
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes when I work with parents, they realize that their giving has kept their child locked in a damaged state.
• 8:59
  SPEAKER_00: Now, when I help them to see that, there is no criticism whatsoever.
• 9:04
  SPEAKER_00: Absolutely not.
• 9:06
  SPEAKER_00: But once they realize that their attempts to make something better actually keep things worse, then it's possible to change positions.
• 9:17
  SPEAKER_00: Hope this helps.
• 9:19
  SPEAKER_00: There'll be more podcasts coming soon.
• 9:22
  SPEAKER_00: Thank you for listening.