Latest / Raising Daughters / How Parents Can Stop Worrying About What They Can’t Control

Transcript

How Parents Can Stop Worrying About What They Can’t Control · Raising Daughters

• 0:14
  Speaker 1: Hello, friends, Back in the saddle again, Doctor Tim Jordan
• 0:18
  Speaker 1: here recording a podcast for you with a topic that
• 0:23
  Speaker 1: you may have a hard time hearing. I hope not,
• 0:26
  Speaker 1: but hopefully this will make a difference for you and
• 0:28
  Speaker 1: you'll get something out of it, because I'm gonna talk
• 0:31
  Speaker 1: today about focusing on what you definitely have control over,
• 0:36
  Speaker 1: because in my experience, I find a lot of parents
• 0:39
  Speaker 1: focus on things they don't have control over, and I
• 0:43
  Speaker 1: get some in trouble. There's a great story I heard
• 0:47
  Speaker 1: a long time ago. I can't remember where I read it.
• 0:49
  Speaker 1: I think it might be an Anthony de Mello story.
• 0:52
  Speaker 1: It's about an old man who was walking unsteadily towards
• 0:57
  Speaker 1: a train platform. He held a box and arms that
• 1:00
  Speaker 1: was causing his awkward gait. It was a hard time
• 1:03
  Speaker 1: holding it and not falling over. When he arrived the platform,
• 1:07
  Speaker 1: he tripped on the steps. He dropped the box onto
• 1:11
  Speaker 1: the ground. The top burst open, and twelve little baby
• 1:14
  Speaker 1: chicks went scurrying all over the place in all directions.
• 1:19
  Speaker 1: People passing by felt really sorry for this old guy,
• 1:22
  Speaker 1: and they attempted to catch the chicks, all to no available.
• 1:26
  Speaker 1: They couldn't do it. The chicks were quick, and they
• 1:28
  Speaker 1: were darting here and there. Much to everybody's surprise, the
• 1:33
  Speaker 1: old man tried a different tact. He just sat down
• 1:36
  Speaker 1: quietly on a step, and he put his hand into
• 1:39
  Speaker 1: his pocket, and he pulled out some seeds from his
• 1:42
  Speaker 1: coat pocket. He extended his hand out, and he patiently waited,
• 1:48
  Speaker 1: and sure enough, one by one these little chicks noticed
• 1:51
  Speaker 1: the seeds. They walked over to the steps, and the
• 1:55
  Speaker 1: man gently scooped them up, one at a time and
• 1:57
  Speaker 1: placed him in the box. Before long, all the chicks
• 2:01
  Speaker 1: were accounted for, and he boarded the train. That is
• 2:05
  Speaker 1: a different attack, right, or a different tack. I think
• 2:09
  Speaker 1: a lot of times when kids are upset and angry,
• 2:12
  Speaker 1: sometimes their energy is matching their parents' energy. It's kind
• 2:16
  Speaker 1: of a two way street. As kids emotions ratchet up,
• 2:20
  Speaker 1: I think sometimes parents' emotions go up the same way,
• 2:23
  Speaker 1: and they add more feelings and more anger and more
• 2:25
  Speaker 1: emotion to the child's load, and everyone gets overwhelmed. When
• 2:30
  Speaker 1: parents start to feel out of control due to the
• 2:33
  Speaker 1: due to their kids' behavior, they often try to stop
• 2:36
  Speaker 1: it by being louder or by overpowering their child. This,
• 2:41
  Speaker 1: of course makes things worse almost always, and like the
• 2:45
  Speaker 1: old man in the story, the old wise man in
• 2:47
  Speaker 1: the story. A better tact might be to follow this
• 2:51
  Speaker 1: maxim when your kid's emotions go up, yours have to
• 2:55
  Speaker 1: go down. My wife and I used to exercise in
• 3:02
  Speaker 1: some talks. Would give I haven't done this once for
• 3:04
  Speaker 1: a while, and I would sort of mimic the story.
• 3:08
  Speaker 1: I would ask for a volunteer. And so, let's say
• 3:11
  Speaker 1: a mom would come up from the audience, and I
• 3:14
  Speaker 1: would have her be the mom. I would be her
• 3:16
  Speaker 1: little boy. I would say that I'm gonna walk in
• 3:19
  Speaker 1: and I'm gonna be sort of mischievous. I want her
• 3:22
  Speaker 1: to kind of calm me down. And so I would
• 3:25
  Speaker 1: come in and I would start bopping around. I would
• 3:27
  Speaker 1: be noisy and yelling, and she would follow me around
• 3:29
  Speaker 1: and she would and she would, and she would get
• 3:31
  Speaker 1: more anxious because she's also doing this in front of,
• 3:33
  Speaker 1: you know, one hundred people, and she would get more frustrated,
• 3:36
  Speaker 1: and so she would start to raise her voice and
• 3:38
  Speaker 1: I would I wouldn't let her catch me, and it
• 3:40
  Speaker 1: was just mayhem. So I would say time out. And
• 3:43
  Speaker 1: everybody's laughing, including this person. So I would say how
• 3:48
  Speaker 1: that feel? And she would say it feels like my
• 3:51
  Speaker 1: house every day. And so I said, let me show
• 3:54
  Speaker 1: you a different way, but we're gonna switch roles. I said,
• 3:58
  Speaker 1: you'd be the kid, I'll beat the dad. You beat
• 4:01
  Speaker 1: my daughter, And I want you to come in like
• 4:02
  Speaker 1: I did and just be kind of noisy and loud
• 4:04
  Speaker 1: and kind of bop around, and I'll see if I
• 4:06
  Speaker 1: can't help you calm down. So she would leave the
• 4:10
  Speaker 1: stage and come back, and she would she wanted to
• 4:12
  Speaker 1: show me right that I couldn't calm her down, and
• 4:15
  Speaker 1: she would start yelling and running around, and I would
• 4:18
  Speaker 1: do what the man did in the story. I would
• 4:21
  Speaker 1: just sit down on the ground and wait. I wouldn't
• 4:25
  Speaker 1: say a word. I would just calmly wait, and she
• 4:29
  Speaker 1: would notice, and she could be like, ha ha, you
• 4:31
  Speaker 1: can't catch me, ha ha. And she would notice my
• 4:33
  Speaker 1: calmness and sort of sort of try and loop me in,
• 4:37
  Speaker 1: and I wouldn't wouldn't buy it. I would just stay calm,
• 4:39
  Speaker 1: stay calm, and eventually I have never in one of
• 4:43
  Speaker 1: those talks not had the parent come over and sit
• 4:46
  Speaker 1: down next to me. It's a great model. I think,
• 4:51
  Speaker 1: for the most part, most of the time it works.
• 4:55
  Speaker 1: The truth is that an adult's calming presence often does
• 5:00
  Speaker 1: have a soothing effect on their kids. Excuse me. I remember, oh,
• 5:06
  Speaker 1: about maybe six months or so ago, I was at
• 5:12
  Speaker 1: my daughter's house with my wife and she was moving well,
• 5:16
  Speaker 1: her younger son from his bedroom to another room that
• 5:19
  Speaker 1: was to study there, switching the rooms, and so she
• 5:23
  Speaker 1: had cleared a few things out, and then while he
• 5:25
  Speaker 1: was in there and we were there helping her, we
• 5:27
  Speaker 1: started to carry his bed out and he flipped out.
• 5:31
  Speaker 1: He got said, he was running around crying, and he
• 5:34
  Speaker 1: was inconsolable, and my daughter was trying to talk to him,
• 5:37
  Speaker 1: which is not what you do when kids emotional circuits
• 5:41
  Speaker 1: are blown. And so what I did was I said,
• 5:44
  Speaker 1: let's go outside, and I kind of picked him up
• 5:46
  Speaker 1: and I took him outside. He was squirming, but I said,
• 5:49
  Speaker 1: let's just squat side. I was calm. We went out
• 5:52
  Speaker 1: into the backyard into nature, and we just walked around.
• 5:56
  Speaker 1: We didn't talk about his bed. We just calm down.
• 6:01
  Speaker 1: When kids are disregulated, nothing will go into their heads.
• 6:05
  Speaker 1: They're not reasonable until they regulate. That's true for all
• 6:09
  Speaker 1: of us, but it's even harder for little kids because
• 6:12
  Speaker 1: they don't have the preformal cortex that's matured that helps
• 6:16
  Speaker 1: us to calm down. It only took five or ten minutes.
• 6:21
  Speaker 1: We were playing. I was showing him some flowers, and
• 6:23
  Speaker 1: then he was all calmed down, he was regulated, and
• 6:26
  Speaker 1: I said, let's go back inside and see what we
• 6:28
  Speaker 1: can do with your room. We went back upstairs and
• 6:31
  Speaker 1: he was okay with the bed being changed, the bedroom
• 6:34
  Speaker 1: being changed, and moving his bed. If I had chased
• 6:39
  Speaker 1: him around and tried to explain all that, it would
• 6:41
  Speaker 1: have gone nowhere. I first had to calm myself down
• 6:46
  Speaker 1: and then use my calming presence and nature in that
• 6:49
  Speaker 1: moment to help him regulate his emotions. An adult's calming
• 6:55
  Speaker 1: presence does have a soothing effect on their kids. So
• 7:00
  Speaker 1: one of the things that you could do have control
• 7:02
  Speaker 1: over always is your emotional state, taking care of yourself.
• 7:07
  Speaker 1: Those are things you do have control over now with
• 7:10
  Speaker 1: little kids. I know it's not easy, but you can
• 7:14
  Speaker 1: learn to steal little bits of time to take care
• 7:16
  Speaker 1: of you. You can do things like have little moments
• 7:20
  Speaker 1: of meditation. You can have some regular exercise in some
• 7:24
  Speaker 1: way when your spouse is home. You can take walks
• 7:28
  Speaker 1: outside with or without your kids, time with your spouse,
• 7:32
  Speaker 1: time with friends like adult friends. When kids are young,
• 7:37
  Speaker 1: you do the best you can. It's not a perfect world,
• 7:40
  Speaker 1: and you still can practice some self care if you
• 7:44
  Speaker 1: make it important. You have to make it important. That
• 7:48
  Speaker 1: means even young parents spend a lot of time on
• 7:51
  Speaker 1: their phones, a lot of time scrolling. That's time you
• 7:55
  Speaker 1: could be spending taking a walk, meditating, drawing, journey whatever.
• 8:02
  Speaker 1: So I would I would focus on that because you
• 8:05
  Speaker 1: always have control over that your emotions. Your kids will
• 8:08
  Speaker 1: be feeding off your energy. They always do that. They
• 8:12
  Speaker 1: can tell when you're stressed, they can tell when you're distracted.
• 8:16
  Speaker 1: They can tell when you're angry or impatient, and they
• 8:18
  Speaker 1: will poke against that. They can sense when their parents
• 8:22
  Speaker 1: are either connected or disconnected. Calm and close, are distant
• 8:28
  Speaker 1: and angry and frustrated, and there'll be a different kid
• 8:33
  Speaker 1: depending upon your mood. Kids tend to reflect the adults
• 8:38
  Speaker 1: around them, especially emotionally. Your best bet during times when
• 8:42
  Speaker 1: your home feels kind of chaotic or tense is a
• 8:46
  Speaker 1: focus on your own energy, not your kids. Like be
• 8:50
  Speaker 1: like the old man at the train station, take care
• 8:54
  Speaker 1: of yourself, stay calm, and it helps. It does means
• 8:58
  Speaker 1: some instantaneous fick but it's more like you're not adding
• 9:02
  Speaker 1: to the chaos. You're not adding to the disharmony, You're
• 9:06
  Speaker 1: not adding to the disregulation. Do whatever it takes for
• 9:10
  Speaker 1: you to preventively be regulated, calm, cool, collected, are in
• 9:16
  Speaker 1: that moment to have tricks that you use to calm
• 9:21
  Speaker 1: yourself down. Take some slow, deep breasts, stimulate your autonomic
• 9:25
  Speaker 1: nervous system. There's things you can do in those moments
• 9:28
  Speaker 1: to help you to not add to the to the chaos,
• 9:31
  Speaker 1: if you will. So remember that old man with the chicks.
• 9:36
  Speaker 1: So when your kids, like little chickens are running around,
• 9:39
  Speaker 1: but even like your teenage kids are coming home and
• 9:42
  Speaker 1: they're crabby, they had a rough day at school, their
• 9:45
  Speaker 1: best friend didn't talk to them at lunch, blah blah blah.
• 9:48
  Speaker 1: When that stuff is going on and they are disregulated,
• 9:53
  Speaker 1: then learn to control what you can, which is you, your emotions,
• 9:58
  Speaker 1: your reactions. And if you do that, it helps allow
• 10:02
  Speaker 1: them to calm down and then maybe go back to
• 10:05
  Speaker 1: that teenagers room and say do you want to talk
• 10:08
  Speaker 1: about it? If you're calm, cool, and collected, there's a
• 10:11
  Speaker 1: better chance that they will. And if there's been a
• 10:14
  Speaker 1: history of you staying calm, cool and collected, and you
• 10:16
  Speaker 1: being a good listener and not making them wrong and
• 10:19
  Speaker 1: not giving them advice, but just calmly listening. You have
• 10:24
  Speaker 1: control over that part, and that's a huge help in
• 10:28
  Speaker 1: getting your kids to talk, share and calm themselves down.
• 10:33
  Speaker 1: I hope this helps focus on what you have control over.
• 10:37
  Speaker 1: There's a lot more things you have control over than
• 10:39
  Speaker 1: you're thinking about, So focus on those. Think about those.
• 10:43
  Speaker 1: I gave you some ideas. There's probably other ways as well,
• 10:47
  Speaker 1: and I guaranteed to you it'll help a lot. And
• 10:50
  Speaker 1: helping your kids also stay calm, cool and collected, and
• 10:54
  Speaker 1: or to regulate when they become disregulated. This is gonna
• 11:00
  Speaker 1: be a good podcast I think to give to all
• 11:02
  Speaker 1: of your friends, because every parent has a hard time
• 11:05
  Speaker 1: with self care. Every parent is busy, every parent is
• 11:08
  Speaker 1: stressed more so that I think because of devices. I
• 11:12
  Speaker 1: think that doesn't often help. Watching the news today doesn't
• 11:15
  Speaker 1: help us to stay calm. So share this with your friends,
• 11:19
  Speaker 1: have conversations, have them over, talk about that helps venting,
• 11:26
  Speaker 1: and do your very best. Do your best that's good
• 11:29
  Speaker 1: enough to your best. I'll be back here as always
• 11:32
  Speaker 1: in a week with the brand new podcast. Check out
• 11:35
  Speaker 1: my show notes. I always have usual a link with
• 11:38
  Speaker 1: one or two podcasts with a related topic. In those
• 11:42
  Speaker 1: show notes. You get those at www dot dr like
• 11:46
  Speaker 1: doctor Tim Jordan dot com, and then you can listen
• 11:52
  Speaker 1: to those as well. Also, I have information about all
• 11:55
  Speaker 1: the things I've done. I've written seven books, I've written
• 11:57
  Speaker 1: tons of articles.
• 11:58
  Speaker 2: I've got three and five i think now, podcasts I've
• 12:02
  Speaker 2: done in my library, summer camps, weekend retreats, all kinds
• 12:06
  Speaker 2: of things that I do that are helpful to parents
• 12:08
  Speaker 2: and kids.
• 12:09
  Speaker 1: There's tons of information, so just check it out. I
• 12:13
  Speaker 1: appreciate you stopping by, I appreciate you passing these on,
• 12:16
  Speaker 1: and I'll be back here in a week with a
• 12:17
  Speaker 1: brand new podcast. Thank you so much, as always for
• 12:20
  Speaker 1: stopping by.