Latest / Voice Notes to the Universe / Voice Note #128 — I'm Open to Perhaps Entertaining the Thought... of Dating?
Transcript
- speaker-0: I have a couple friends, you know, who are also single and they're younger than me, but we're all in our forties. And they do the dating apps. I'm not into it. But it is interesting. I love listening to their stories. I kind of like, I feel sometimes I'm like, my god, this is way too much work in the beginning of a relationship. Like I feel like you're trying way too hard. Like this is this is not even. Like this is not reciprocal, you know, the and the exchange of energy. So speaker-1: you speaker-0: it is it is it's interesting. It's quite fascinating actually. but it does make me think, okay. You know like what is it that I want? 'Cause I say, yes. Listen, I am a hopeless and speaker-1: you speaker-0: hopeful romantic. I am. I'm such a lover girl. I hate that about myself. I'm just I'm such a fool. I'm prone to limerence. I can't like I fall in love quickly and easily, you know, it's just who I am. But that's it that's just with anybody. It's not even just about romantically, it's about platonically, it's about passion. passions and things that I love or causes or animals or kids or you know I I'm just nature. I'm just that's just who I am, right? I I really am. And I know that I've got this wall around my heart a little bit. I'm like I'm s I'm working through shit. I'm working through it. But I I know. I I I get it. I'm a little guarded. Maybe a little more than guarded. But I am doing my very best. I like speaker-1: you speaker-0: lower lower the walls, you know, brick by brick, stone by stone. because at one point it was it was needed. You know, I I needed that protection, but I think at this point it's just speaker-1: . speaker-0: It's me doing me a disservice. So but I I love listening to their their stories and and the dates and it's interesting to me too. speaker-1: you speaker-0: to like, you know, when I talk to them both, they're similar themes. Th there is a thing about like how tall they are. That's always a thing. Like, I wasn't tall. Like that is a thing with women. And I guess well listen, I'm not gonna lie, I do like a tall man. But bitch, I'm short. I'm a shorty. I'm five two. So pretty much if you're over five two, you're tall But I I get it. So I I don't know. And and then you know and then the interesting thing that I hear both of my my my girls talk about that it's kind of a they're like, I feel like you know, they feel like the guys don't like ask questions back. I do hear that from both of them. They're like, you know, we have a conversation and I'm talking, I'm asking questions and and they'll say like but they the guys don't reciprocate that. They don't ask questions back. In my mind I'm like, yeah, no, you're just not intimate. 'Cause if you're into me you're gonna ask me questions. So to me that's like, mm, you're uninterested. I don't know. To me I'm like, okay, I'm done. Yeah, that would probably be it. But it's like then speaker-1: you speaker-0: I do notice like they're like, let me give it another shot and like they they'll go for a while. I don't know. Maybe that's the right thing to do. Maybe I'm too maybe I'm too willing to cut people loose. I think I just I mean, perhaps then I could be dogmatic in that thought, I don't fucking know. All I know is this. speaker-1: Hey. speaker-0: I hear the coyotes. That I do know. Ooh, they're howling. Damn. They live. This sounds it's gonna sound so cliche. But th there's a pack of them that live over at the cemetery. A couple blocks away. Bitch, why is it that every place that I stay for a while, I'm close to the goddamn cemetery. Every fucking place. I don't mean and I don't realize it. And then I'm like, fuck. There's a cemetery. Two fucking blocks from here. What speaker-1: you speaker-0: the fuck? No wonder why I feel the goddamn extra crazy energy. Fucking earth walkers all over the place. Anywho, I But I'm like, okay. I'm open. I'm open. I'm open. I'm open to perhaps entertaining the thought speaker-1: you speaker-0: of I'm like, I can't even say the words. Dating. I don't know. But see, I won't go on the apps. It would have to be, I'd have to meet someone out in the wilds. Out in the wilds. That's where I'd have to meet them. But I think that that's how I'm gonna meet my person. If I've not already met my person, then that's how I'm gonna meet them. I'm just gonna meet them out randomly. I don't need to do the dating apps. I feel so strongly about that. Because ugh, I I just feel like it's a waste of time. But I did realize there's probably there's two types of people. And like, you know, when I think about dating, I think about, okay, well, what is it I hate to say like what is it that I'm looking for, but what is it that I feel because I would like to eventually I don't know I don't know if maybe marriage, maybe not, I don't know, but I would I would like to have a life partner, whatever that looks like, you know. Because I do like being in a relationship. I'm very I'm very lovey and I'm very like just lovey dovey and a very touchy feely and I really like sex. I really like sex and I didn't always because I didn't always feel comfortable in my body like I do now, right? And so just unlock this other s this different side of me. But anyway But I So you like I learn all these things and you know, you learn about yourself, but there's only so much healing you can do on your own and eventually, you know, you have to put the the theory into practice and you do more healing in a relationship. You know, and it could be friendship, it could be with family, but sometimes it could be with a romantic partner, you know, so I I have determined that there's I there's two two different scenarios, two different rows I could go. I either need a man like I need a man speaker-1: you speaker-0: I need a man who is grounded, who has done some inner exploration and able to connect with their feelings in their in a way where they have this self-awareness and they're communicative with me and they're willing to work through things. And I need this man to be consistent. I need him to be intentional. You know, I I and I need him to be transparent, right? speaker-1: you speaker-0: And and maybe some of that is trauma because I I if speaker-1: you speaker-0: Everything was very confusing and inconsistent and I didn't like that. And part of it also I do believe is 'cause I'm I'm I'm neurodivergent. I I just I process things l a lot differently I think than most people do. speaker-1: you speaker-0: and I'm a very I'm very I'm feel the energy you know, very deeply. And so like I I can feel if if if something's off with someone. So I just need those things. Like I need those things. So that may mean speaker-1: you speaker-0: that may mean and a man that can wait a minute, I'm not done. That can speaker-1: you speaker-0: acknowledge and that they can acknowled acknowledge if if something's off or you know, be honest, right? And also that someone who can take accountability, right? And so I've decided there's two types of men. There's like with those qualities, right? And the thing is is speaker-1: You speaker-0: if this is what I want and I need a man that's very much in their masculine. 'Cause honestly, I am I sit it very strongly in my feminine. I'm like so ready for my soft girl era like I'm so ready for it. But I have to look if that's if those are the things that I'm looking for in a partner, in a masculine, then I have to look inward. Or at least this is what What I'm being guided to do, right? This is what I'm being guided to do is to look at my inner masculine and say, okay, have speaker-1: you speaker-0: you because it's really about union with with all these energies within us, right? That's the true union, is the union within self, right? And so But I have to look at my my my inner masculine and say, Do you, do I, does that piece of me embody all those things that I am looking for, you know, in a partner, in my masculine. And so Like, okay, let me go down, you know, down the list of whatever it is. And can we be transparent? Yes. You know, are we communicative? Yes. You know. Are we intentional? We're pretty damn intentional, right? Could we be, you know, yes. are we consistent? Mm, no. Now if we're really honest, you know that. And then you just I just go down the list, right? And like, okay. And then so then I know that those are things that I need to work through. And okay. Yeah, no, I'm not always inconsist I'm not always consistent. Okay, well, where are the things in my life that I can maybe f give a little extra love to? A little extra compassion. You know, what are those spaces and places within me? And it's like, okay, where am I not being where am I being inconsistent? Well, I'm being inconsistent with my career, right? And so let us stop go stop go stop go. Now. I'm gonna let that sit and breathe, because that has a place. While also saying I've been moving through some really heavy energy and I have been working through some very deep trauma and I've been working a lot, you know, in and because, you know, we live in a capitalist society. Gotta make money and I'm exhausted. And so I just feel drained and I don't have a lot of energy to do much. So I have to also let that exist. So I let both of those things exist. speaker-1: Thanks. speaker-0: And they're both true. And one is more important or There's no need to judge it. Like it just they both things exist. And speaker-1: you speaker-0: that kind of makes me uncomfortable. So I have to sit with myself on that and just let that sit and just integrate into my nervous system. speaker-1: you speaker-0: But anyway, I'm kind of rambling on. So those are the things, right? So I have to look at my my inner masculine and to see, okay. Is that piece of me embodying all the things that I'm looking for? So anyway, going back to what I realized was I need There's either two sederies, a man that has done all that, right? And I was like slightly, I don't want to say slightly elevated, but like a little bit more. seasons, maybe they've they've already been in a couple of relationships or you know, where they've been able to integrate all the work that they've done, like the the all the inner exploration, all the wisdom, you know, and all the the you know things they've learned about themselves and they've been able to put it into practice because I've not yet been able to put it into practice and that terrifies me. So I need someone who either is like very grounded and is patient. That's why speaker-1: you speaker-0: And can and can just speaker-1: you speaker-0: perhaps maybe my neurotic self I don't know, maybe they'll find it cute and amusing. I don't know. my god. Because I I know I can, you know. you're someone who's maybe a little bit more secure within them than I am. And I am, but I'm not, all at the same time. And both can exist, right? or or I need someone like like me, who is this like kind of unhinged like mess, not mess, but someone who who has who who can match me energetically in all the right places where we can both come together and say, Hey, I, you know, kinda wanna explore this with you, but this is where I'm at. And I I don't really know what I'm doing and I'm probably gonna make a mistake and there's a good chance I'm gonna go into my wounding but I'm really aware of it and I'm willing to like work through it if you're like willing to work through it and you know this is where 'cause I I do this currently. I do this with people in my life, like, hey, ooh, I realized I r didn't respond, I reacted It hit a wounding in me. It's not a you thing, it's a me thing. I recognize it, I acknowledge it, and I'm actively working on it and I I apologize for the way I reacted, you know, and and I talk it through. Now, I need somebody to reciprocate that, you're right. And You know, I I so I just I need that. That's important to me. That's a non negotiable. So so if there's somebody that matches that, that we're like practice for each other. I don't know, right? But I mean really, you know, but but where we can say like this is I wanna kind of explore this with you and let's see where we go and if we can match that energy with each other, like then that's the other type of person. So it's it could go one one way. There's two different roads I could go with in one meeting. But I will tell you something. I will tell you this is my insecurity. It's almost like the the to be with a man that's a little bit more grounded than me, right? That's a little bit more that fucking intimidates the shit out of me. I'm like, ooh, I don't really like that. That feels really uncomfortable. So isn't that interesting? So that almost makes me feel like, gosh. Because the other one feels a little bit more familiar. Right? Like I'm like, okay, I could handle that. That feels like more like a match. But the other one is like, good lord. good lord. I got a pit in my from my chest that dropped down to my knees. I'm like, god. So that almost makes me feel like well isn't that the isn't that the thing that you should explore? Why is it that you feel that way? Right? So I don't know. It's just it's just wild and I don't know. I'm a little bit more open. speaker-1: you speaker-0: than I than I than I was. And I yeah, it'll be an interesting thing. Because ultimately at the end of the day, I I am working through things and I acknowledge and I just I'm a little Anxious and avoidant. Like I could see myself if I liked a guy and I slept with him. I will speaker-1: you speaker-0: probably pull back. I will go Because I don't wanna get anxious and I don't but I'll be anxious through that whole thing. I'm just saying. speaker-1: you speaker-0: So it's like it's like it's like I have to say that I and I would probably have to have this conversation with him. If we have sex, which, you know, whatever. Isn't that part of the goal? I don't know, whatever. I I'm being silly but not silly. I mean there's this beautiful healing th that can come through through sex. Sexual healing when two people are an energetic match and You know, they're really present and one with each other and they're honoring each other. it can be and they feel safe with each other. my gosh, sex can be so healing. So healing. It's beautiful. It's incredibly sacred. Alright, but I digress. But I'd probably have to tell them, like, listen, after we have sex, I'm probably gonna pull back. I'm gonna be avoiding because it's gonna freak me out. I'm gonna pull back, but as when I even though I pull my energy back, I am gonna feel you feeling anxious as fuck. And no, I'm gonna push you away, but I need for you to text me every single fucking day. At least just once a day. Like, hey baby, I'm thinking about you. I don't wanna pressure you, but I'm here when you're ready. That's what I fucking need. Okay? That's the man I need. So whichever version the more like elevated or the the the the the fucking unhinged mess like me. Whichever version that you know it happens, that's what I need. Cause I'm gonna push you away just a little bit. Because I feel like, oof, I could like you, I like you, and I don't wanna like you because if I like you, I can get hurt. That doesn't feel good. Right, and even just me talking about it, I can feel it in my chest and in my stomach, and then I could pit. And so I know that and I'm gonna probably pull back. But each time speaker-1: you speaker-0: I'll probably pull back less and less, right? 'Cause I'm gonna I'm kind of like testing you, like how much do you really like me? And it's a fucked up, insecure, very wounded thing to do. And I acknowledge that, but I know that there's potential for that to happen. I'm gonna really do my best for it to not happen. You know, it's like I almost need a man who's healed through their own anxious avoidant attachment thing. To have some fucking some like love and kindness for me, right? speaker-1: you speaker-0: Because then that's kinda how it is. So yeah, it sounds like I'm gonna probably gonna push you away. I'm gonna pull my energy back. But I need you to text me every day. Tell me how you know, I'm here. I think, I'm here for, you know, when you're ready, right? No pressure. speaker-1: you speaker-0: And and then I will. And I'll be okay. And I'll be like, okay. Cause I would have to like allow it to settle in my nervous system, right? good golly. Good golly, Miss Molly. good Lord. God bless me.