Latest / Inner Work With MaryAnn Walker: Life Coach for People Pleasers / 219: People Pleasing and Codependency: The Two Beliefs That Keep You Exhausted

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219: People Pleasing and Codependency: The Two Beliefs That Keep You Exhausted · Inner Work With MaryAnn Walker: Life Coach for People Pleasers

• 0:21
  Speaker 8: Well, hello and welcome back.
• 0:23
  Speaker 8: Today, I'm going to be sharing with you two beliefs that many people pleasers spend their whole lives trying to prove.
• 0:28
  Speaker 8: And I hinted at them last week when we talked about how empathy without boundaries leads to self-abandonment, but today we're going to dig into them a little bit deeper.
• 0:36
  Speaker 8: For many people pleasers, they invest a significant amount of time and energy into reinforcing that these beliefs are true.
• 0:44
  Speaker 8: And they might be reinforcing it to themselves or to other people, but it might be these very beliefs that are actually keeping you stuck.
• 0:51
  Speaker 8: These beliefs are often what is actually creating the imbalance that you're experiencing in a relationship.
• 0:56
  Speaker 8: It's these beliefs that are making you feel like you're only valued for what it is that you do for others instead of for who you actually are.
• 1:03
  Speaker 8: These two beliefs, they quietly shape all of your relationships.
• 1:06
  Speaker 8: They might be driving your burnout, creating resentment for you, and they might actually be producing the exact opposite of what it is that you're hoping for in a relationship.
• 1:15
  Speaker 8: So today, I'm going to talk about what those two beliefs are, why they're keeping you stuck, and what healthier beliefs you can practice instead.
• 1:23
  Speaker 8: But first, let's talk about what's underneath these beliefs because really, this all comes down to fear, a fear of abandonment.
• 1:30
  Speaker 8: So this fear says,"If I'm too needy, then they'll leave.
• 1:33
  Speaker 8: If I don't make it super easy to love me by taking on the lion's share of the load in a relationship, then they're going to leave me.
• 1:39
  Speaker 8: If I'm not solving a problem for them, or if I'm not constantly making their life easier and more comfortable for them, then they're not gonna stick around.
• 1:46
  Speaker 8: If they don't need me anymore, then I'm not gonna matter, and I'll be cast aside." and when these thoughts are showing up for us, then people-pleasing becomes an attempt to earn love and belonging.
• 1:58
  Speaker 8: And it's not coming through that authenticity of,"Oh, yay, like I really wanna connect with you and this is genuinely who I am." But instead, it shows up through,"Okay, how can I make myself useful?
• 2:07
  Speaker 8: How can I make myself indispensable to that person?" And so that fear, it's creating these two unconscious beliefs that are really dictating how it is that you show up.
• 2:15
  Speaker 8: And so it might be something that you're constantly trying to prove to other people, okay?
• 2:18
  Speaker 8: So these two beliefs are,"You need me," and,"I don't have needs." So first let's talk about you need me.
• 2:26
  Speaker 8: This belief shows up when we're confusing being needed with being loved.
• 2:30
  Speaker 8: It says,"Well, if I can become indispensable, then they'll never leave me." And so that's when we become the helper, the fixer, the emotional regulator.
• 2:38
  Speaker 8: Maybe you become the planner or the coordinator for somebody.
• 2:41
  Speaker 8: You're like the fairy godmother that makes everybody's wants and wishes come true.
• 2:44
  Speaker 8: But now you've become the person that everybody depends on.
• 2:48
  Speaker 8: And at first, this feels really meaningful, and it feels like,"Oh, I have finally found my purpose in life.
• 2:53
  Speaker 8: It's to help everybody out." And it feels so good.
• 2:58
  Speaker 8: But over time, then things start to shift a little bit, and you might start to notice some things.
• 3:03
  Speaker 8: You might start to realize that you are not creating the mutual partnership that you thought that you were.
• 3:08
  Speaker 8: Instead, you're creating dependency because now they're dependent upon you to fulfill their needs, and you are dependent upon them for helping you to feel useful and therefore loved.
• 3:18
  Speaker 8: So sometimes in this dependency, it might look like emotional support or emotional regulation.
• 3:23
  Speaker 8: You're there always helping them to calm down and feel their feelings.
• 3:27
  Speaker 8: You're processing for them.
• 3:28
  Speaker 8: Sometimes it looks like really practical things like running errands or picking up somebody or dropping them off at an appointment or doing their shopping for them.
• 3:35
  Speaker 8: It can look extremely practical.
• 3:37
  Speaker 8: But underneath all of this, then sometimes it looks like somebody who has slowly stopped solving their own problems because you've become so good at solving it for them.
• 3:45
  Speaker 8: So why should they put in the energy?
• 3:48
  Speaker 8: And this doesn't mean that helping out other people is wrong.
• 3:51
  Speaker 8: Healthy relationships absolutely involve seasons where one person needs more support than the other.
• 3:56
  Speaker 8: But healthy relationships, they're not built on one person always needing to be rescued while the other person is always doing the rescuing.
• 4:03
  Speaker 8: That is absolutely going to be creating imbalance for you.
• 4:06
  Speaker 8: And it's not sustainable for you either, right?
• 4:08
  Speaker 8: Because if you're constantly in rescuer mode, that means that you must always remain in hypervigilance, always scanning the room, making sure that everybody's okay, making sure that their emotions are managed.
• 4:19
  Speaker 8: You're constantly walking on eggshells, making sure that,"Okay, yep, I need to manage everything for them." And when that happens, then guess what?
• 4:27
  Speaker 8: It's also not beneficial for them because they're never learning how to solve their own problems.
• 4:33
  Speaker 8: A healthy relationship is two capable people who are choosing each other, and they're choosing,"Okay, we're going to grow and evolve together." It's not that you're going to do all the growing and evolving and then do that for me and on my behalf.
• 4:45
  Speaker 8: It's that no, we are two complete beings, and we're choosing to grow and evolve together, knowing that sometimes the other one is gonna need help and support, and that's okay, but we're not gonna sign up for those roles forever of just victim and rescuer, right?
• 4:58
  Speaker 8: So healthy relationships, they're built around two people who choose to stick around because they want to.
• 5:04
  Speaker 8: It's not because they have to and because they're dependent upon each other.
• 5:08
  Speaker 8: That's dependency.
• 5:09
  Speaker 8: That's not love.
• 5:11
  Speaker 8: So let's kind of talk about the role of the lifeguard.
• 5:13
  Speaker 8: We've talked about it on here before.
• 5:15
  Speaker 8: I'm gonna post a few links in the show notes if you wanna dive into this idea a little bit further.
• 5:19
  Speaker 8: But the role of a lifeguard is to jump into the pool and rescue someone when they really need it, when their life is at stake.
• 5:26
  Speaker 8: So they're watching, they're observing, but they're only intervening when they really actually need to, okay?
• 5:33
  Speaker 8: Now, a hypervigilant lifeguard, they might just try to make sure that nobody goes in the deep end at all.
• 5:38
  Speaker 8: So this might mean that they see you dip your toe in, and then they think,"Oh no, I gotta rush over there." So they'll rush over there really quickly, put on a life jacket, put on your arm floaties, and say,"Oh, well, why don't you just sit here on the side?
• 5:48
  Speaker 8: Stay in the shallow end.
• 5:49
  Speaker 8: It's not worth it to go deeper than your knees," right?
• 5:52
  Speaker 8: So that's very limiting for both parties.
• 5:55
  Speaker 8: So the lifeguard is now hypervigilant.
• 5:57
  Speaker 8: Their nervous system is out of whack'cause they're making sure,"No, I must keep them safe and away from the deep end at all costs." But then the person showing up at the pool, it's not very fun for them.
• 6:06
  Speaker 8: They're never learning how to doggy paddle.
• 6:08
  Speaker 8: They're never learning how to back float.
• 6:10
  Speaker 8: It can be very limiting for them.
• 6:12
  Speaker 8: So sometimes, and this is what we're doing when we're people-pleasing, is we're acting like these permanent lifeguards.
• 6:17
  Speaker 8: We're not letting people struggle.
• 6:19
  Speaker 8: We're solving problems for them before we've even been asked.
• 6:22
  Speaker 8: Uh, we're removing any form of discomfort for them, and we never let them see how far they can touch.
• 6:27
  Speaker 8: We never let them practice different strokes in the pool.
• 6:30
  Speaker 8: We never let them see if they're capable of getting themselves to safety.
• 6:33
  Speaker 8: It's just constant rescuing when they don't actually need it, and that's keeping them small.
• 6:40
  Speaker 8: And sometimes when we're doing this, it feels like love.
• 6:43
  Speaker 8: Because our nervous system, it's yelling at us.
• 6:45
  Speaker 8: It's saying,"No, no, no, no, no, you must remain hypervigilant because if you're not, something horrible will happen.
• 6:51
  Speaker 8: Something horrible is gonna happen if you are not hypervigilant." And again, that comes back to that fear that, okay, well, if something happens to them, they're going to leave me, right?
• 6:59
  Speaker 8: So it's that fear keeping us stuck.
• 7:01
  Speaker 8: And sometimes when we're doing that, we're unintentionally preventing growth for both of us.
• 7:06
  Speaker 8: They're not learning how to feel their feelings, and we're not learning how to feel and process our emotions either because we're so focused on micromanaging theirs.
• 7:15
  Speaker 8: And when we do that, we're actually reinforcing that belief that they cannot do hard things without me, and that keeps both of you small.
• 7:22
  Speaker 8: It's reinforcing that belief that they are nothing without you.
• 7:25
  Speaker 8: It's creating that neediness and that dependency rather than that balanced reciprocation and relationship.
• 7:32
  Speaker 8: Now, if this feels super familiar to you and you're starting to notice that sometimes you do confuse being needed with being loved, I want you to ask yourself this question.
• 7:41
  Speaker 8: If everybody in your life suddenly became completely capable tomorrow morning, they just woke up amazingly capable, would you still know who you are in those relationships?
• 7:51
  Speaker 8: Now, if I'm being totally honest with you, there was a time when I would've been afraid of the idea of the people around me no longer having needs.
• 8:00
  Speaker 8: I had no idea who I was outside of what it was that I was doing for others.
• 8:05
  Speaker 8: And so that idea, it would've absolutely terrified me.
• 8:09
  Speaker 8: So if the question of if everybody suddenly became emotionally healthy and completely capable tomorrow, if that feels uncomfortable for you, it's worth asking why.
• 8:18
  Speaker 8: Because healthy attachment says,"I love you, and I'm here if you need me." But codependency says,"I need you to need me so that I can feel valuable." But you, my friend, you're already incredibly valuable, and it's not because you do amazing things for other people.
• 8:34
  Speaker 8: I mean, you do do a lot of amazing things for other people, but that's not what makes you so amazing.
• 8:38
  Speaker 8: You're amazing simply because you are.
• 8:41
  Speaker 8: Now let me share with you an example of what this can look like that I think many of you are going to be able to relate to.
• 8:47
  Speaker 8: Now, as a parent, when my kids started to find their own voice, it was really hard for me.
• 8:51
  Speaker 8: When they'd tell me things like,"No, it's okay, I can do this appointment on my own," or,"No, I don't need you to tag along," or,"No, I don't need your help preparing for this job interview," I didn't know what to do with myself.
• 9:02
  Speaker 8: I mean, of course the goal of a parent is to raise independent children, but it wasn't until my kids started actually showing that they were independent that I realized how much of my value I had tied up into what it was that I was doing for them.
• 9:16
  Speaker 8: That,"Oh, no, but I'm the one that helps with the homework.
• 9:18
  Speaker 8: I'm the one that makes the appointments.
• 9:20
  Speaker 8: I'm the one that does these things." So I really kind of had a bit of an identity crisis once my kids started finding their own voice.
• 9:27
  Speaker 8: But oftentimes this is what we're doing with the people pleasing.
• 9:29
  Speaker 8: When we're creating these dependent relationships, it's not benefiting us because they're not learning how to learn and grow and do things on their own.
• 9:36
  Speaker 8: They're super dependent upon us.
• 9:38
  Speaker 8: But also, it is tying your worth to what it is that you do for others rather than just simply who you are All right, so now let's talk about the second belief, that I don't have needs.
• 9:49
  Speaker 8: It's amazing how hard people work to prove this to other people and to themselves.
• 9:54
  Speaker 8: So this one, it's one that we don't often challenge because it sounds very altruistic, right?
• 9:59
  Speaker 8: It sounds really good.
• 10:00
  Speaker 8: It sounds like,"Oh, well, I'm easy.
• 10:02
  Speaker 8: It's fine.
• 10:03
  Speaker 8: I don't care.
• 10:03
  Speaker 8: You know, whatever works for everybody else works for me.
• 10:05
  Speaker 8: That's, that's just fine." It looks really easygoing and accommodating on the surface, and it can be easygoing and accommodating, but when you really check in with yourself, notice what's happening for you.
• 10:16
  Speaker 8: I especially want you to notice your face.
• 10:18
  Speaker 8: Notice your face and feel into your face because more than likely, if you're saying,"I'm fine, and whatever works for everybody else works for me," and you have a smile on your face, but you can feel like pins and needles, and your smile feels fake, and it feels tight, more than likely you're saying those things because you're faking it.
• 10:35
  Speaker 8: You're trying to fake it till you make it.
• 10:36
  Speaker 8: You're telling them,"No, it's fine.
• 10:38
  Speaker 8: I don't have needs," and you're pretending that you don't have needs, and this is a form of self-abandonment.
• 10:45
  Speaker 8: Many people pleasers believe that merely being a human that has needs, that automatically makes them an inconvenience to love.
• 10:53
  Speaker 8: It makes them too much.
• 10:54
  Speaker 8: making a request for something, that makes them too demanding.
• 10:57
  Speaker 8: And so instead of giving voice to their needs, then they become the person who never, ever asks for anything.
• 11:03
  Speaker 8: They don't wanna disappoint anybody.
• 11:04
  Speaker 8: They don't wanna put anybody out.
• 11:06
  Speaker 8: And so they never offer up an opinion.
• 11:08
  Speaker 8: They never make a request.
• 11:10
  Speaker 8: They never set a boundary.
• 11:11
  Speaker 8: They never rock the boat.
• 11:12
  Speaker 8: And oftentimes then, yeah, we convince ourselves that,"No, I'm okay.
• 11:16
  Speaker 8: It's okay." And again, notice your face when you're saying that.
• 11:19
  Speaker 8: Are you putting on a smile, but you can feel underneath that you have a lot of emotion?
• 11:23
  Speaker 8: Maybe you're even near tears be- it's because you're trying to convince yourself that you're okay and that you don't actually have needs.
• 11:29
  Speaker 8: You're trying to convince yourself that you can do everything on your own.
• 11:34
  Speaker 8: But the truth is you absolutely have needs because everybody does.
• 11:40
  Speaker 8: You're just pretending that you don't, hoping that that's going to earn you love.
• 11:44
  Speaker 8: And pretending not to have needs, it doesn't make your needs disappear.
• 11:48
  Speaker 8: It just means that your needs don't get acknowledged, and when they're not acknowledged, then they're rarely fulfilled.
• 11:55
  Speaker 8: And when your needs aren't fulfilled, that's what's going to create that imbalance.
• 11:58
  Speaker 8: That's what's going to create that burnout for you, resentment, loneliness.
• 12:03
  Speaker 8: Because the truth is that nobody can meet your needs if they're never invited to see what your needs are, if they never know that you even have needs.
• 12:11
  Speaker 8: Pretending that you don't have needs, it also really creates some inauthentic relationships.
• 12:15
  Speaker 8: You're not gonna be able to experience that real connection that you're looking for when you're always wearing a mask.
• 12:21
  Speaker 8: So yeah, if you are not showing the real authentic version of you, but instead only showing that masked version of you, people are never going to get to know the real you.
• 12:29
  Speaker 8: I mean, yeah, they will know the version of you that's endlessly accommodating, But they won't get to see the real human version of you, who sometimes gets tired, who sometimes needs support, who sometimes would like somebody else to carry the emotional load.
• 12:42
  Speaker 8: And so acknowledging that you also have needs in a relationship, that's not a weakness.
• 12:47
  Speaker 8: It actually takes an incredible amount of strength to just be real, to make a request.
• 12:53
  Speaker 8: It takes so much courage to make a request to get your needs met, and this is true for everyone, but especially for this population.
• 13:00
  Speaker 8: It does take strength, and it does take courage to just be real and let people know that you also have needs.
• 13:06
  Speaker 8: Pretending that you don't have needs, it doesn't actually serve either of you because you can only get so close to somebody when you aren't allowing yourself to be seen.
• 13:15
  Speaker 8: So when you're seeking to have that deep and meaningful and real connection, part of your brain thinks that,"Okay, I can prove that by making myself indispensable to them." But people feel when you're not showing up as your authentic self, and the only way to get that deep and real and meaningful relationship that you're seeking is by actually being real.
• 13:37
  Speaker 8: Now, the irony is that both the belief that other people must need you and the lie that you don't have needs, both of those thoughts are ultimately trying to accomplish the same thing.
• 13:47
  Speaker 8: They're trying to create love and belonging.
• 13:49
  Speaker 8: They're trying to create safety and security for yourself.
• 13:53
  Speaker 8: But they're not actually creating those things.
• 13:56
  Speaker 8: Instead, they're creating imbalance.
• 13:58
  Speaker 8: They're creating relationships where one person is always giving and the other person is always receiving, where one person feels responsible and the other one is becoming increasingly dependent upon fixing everybody else's problems.
• 14:10
  Speaker 8: They create relationships where one person feels seen and cared for and held, and the other person is feeling the need to constantly prove that they have value in a relationship.
• 14:20
  Speaker 8: And that's not intimacy.
• 14:23
  Speaker 8: That's exhaustion.
• 14:25
  Speaker 8: So moving forward, really notice when those sneaky self-sabotaging thoughts creep in.
• 14:30
  Speaker 8: And instead of believing,"You must need me," then practice the thought,"My value is not determined by how needed I am." Instead of believing,"I don't have needs," then practice the thought,"My needs are at least as important as anyone else's." Instead of believing,"I have to earn love by burning myself out," then practice the thought,"I don't have to sacrifice myself to deserve love and belonging." And just so you know, the people who are truly meant for you, they want to get to know the real you, not the masked version of you.
• 15:04
  Speaker 8: They don't want the you that over-functions and over-gives and never asks for anything.
• 15:09
  Speaker 8: Instead, they want the real and human you.
• 15:13
  Speaker 8: The version of you that actually has needs and expresses them.
• 15:16
  Speaker 8: The one who states boundaries.
• 15:18
  Speaker 8: The one who, yeah, they sometimes like to receive in addition to giving.
• 15:23
  Speaker 8: Because healthy love, it's not built on usefulness.
• 15:26
  Speaker 8: It's built on being real and authentic.
• 15:30
  Speaker 8: So this week, notice where it is that you're trying to prove one of these two beliefs, and then ask yourself,"Okay, am I helping because I genuinely want to, or am I showing up in this way because I'm scared of what might happen in my relationship if I don't?" And that one question, it can really reveal a lot.
• 15:48
  Speaker 8: The truth is that people want to get to know the real you, and you're amazing.
• 15:52
  Speaker 8: So please let yourself be seen.
• 15:55
  Speaker 8: Now, if you are wanting to stop abandoning yourself and finally get your needs met in a relationship, then I encourage you to come and join my seven-day challenge.
• 16:03
  Speaker 8: Each day for seven days, I'm gonna be sending you a prompt and a mini exercise to help you to experience more peace and balance in your life and relationships.
• 16:11
  Speaker 8: Now, this challenge is 100% free, so honestly, you have nothing to lose except for the burnout and anxiety that you're currently feeling in a relationship.
• 16:19
  Speaker 8: So click the link in the show notes and come and join me inside.
• 16:23
  Speaker 8: I'm looking forward to seeing you there.
• 16:25
  Speaker 8: All right.
• 16:25
  Speaker 8: Well, I hope you have a great week, and let's talk soon.
• 16:27
  Speaker 8: Bye now.