Latest / Questionable Detour / Getting your wife addicted to drugs, cutting a wedding ring out of your chest, and meeting a rat pimp.

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Getting your wife addicted to drugs, cutting a wedding ring out of your chest, and meeting a rat pimp. · Questionable Detour

• 0:00
  Excuse me, what is going on here?
• 0:04
  But first we're gonna make a little detour.
• 0:09
  So absurd, so questionable.
• 0:12
  Yeah, I guess we're just the weirdos.
• 0:15
  Expect the detour.
• 0:26
  That's all you like to do, you're just a yapper.
• 0:28
  It makes me sound like a crusty white dog that doesn't like when you walk into my house.
• 0:34
  We do call you a shizu.
• 0:36
  Yapper is because I'm not a good zoo.
• 0:40
  That I have like animals in my backyard but they're not cool animals.
• 0:44
  If I'm a shizu and I have animals, what animals would be in the zoo?
• 0:50
  The shizu dog obviously.
• 0:52
  That's a given.
• 0:54
  It'd be right in the front.
• 0:56
  It's an animal that lost a leg at some point.
• 1:00
  Your animals are not gonna be top tier.
• 1:02
  Yeah, they're not prime animals.
• 1:04
  They're not prime animals.
• 1:06
  They might be blind.
• 1:08
  They're gonna have a defect of some sort.
• 1:10
  There are house sparrows everywhere.
• 1:12
  You don't have to put them in a zoo.
• 1:14
  But you pretend like, oh yeah, I tracked these down and brought them here.
• 1:18
  They're definitely not caged so they're just kind of running loose.
• 1:20
  Which is like free range.
• 1:22
  I hired a guy that do balloon animals.
• 1:24
  But he just blows up balloons and gives them.
• 1:28
  They're not even fully blown up.
• 1:30
  They're just kind of halfway blown up.
• 1:32
  He's not using helium.
• 1:34
  He's just blown up with it.
• 1:36
  But he has like COPD so he coughs really hard every time he blows up a balloon.
• 1:40
  He didn't do his face paint well at all.
• 1:44
  Oh, he's face painted.
• 1:46
  Well, he's a clown, you know.
• 1:48
  When you said face painted, I immediately thought of mime.
• 1:52
  You always do a mime.
• 1:54
  Just like a mime that does balloons and then gets scared when they pop.
• 1:56
  What was the paint color you were thinking?
• 1:58
  A shade a little darker than brown.
• 2:00
  Okay.
• 2:02
  You're just a racist.
• 2:06
  You have a gift shop, right?
• 2:08
  Like a gift shop in my zoo would just be kind of the items I found under the seat cushions.
• 2:12
  But I've hung them up.
• 2:14
  I mean, I'm classy.
• 2:16
  So it's just like a nickel that I've drilled a hole through to hang up on the wall.
• 2:20
  And I put it costs five dollars.
• 2:22
  I ruined a nickel and it costs more money.
• 2:26
  A box would be cool to have in my zoo.
• 2:28
  But again, none of it none of it's like fenced in.
• 2:30
  You would just walk into my house.
• 2:32
  You almost get 9-eleven by a bird because it like it just flew right by you.
• 2:36
  And you see Jim Sparrow, the clown, as he blows up a balloon.
• 2:42
  He didn't ask for the balloon.
• 2:44
  He just gives it to you.
• 2:46
  It sticks it right in your chest.
• 2:48
  One bird hitting you from your nine o'clock and one bird hitting you from your 11 o'clock.
• 2:52
  That's exactly what I meant. It's all coordinated.
• 2:54
  And by they they didn't fly in. I threw them at you.
• 2:58
  Okay.
• 3:00
  Birds regularly die in my zoo.
• 3:02
  And I welcome you by pegging you with a dead bird.
• 3:06
  And then you get a half blown up balloon by Jim Sparrow, the clown.
• 3:12
  And he's just like, he's like, here's your balloon.
• 3:14
  And he just kind of goes back and sits back down.
• 3:16
  And, you know, you know, some zoos that will have fountains and I have a fountain, but it's just like a busted pipe from a sink.
• 3:24
  It's just it's just spraying water.
• 3:26
  There's it's not getting caught by anything.
• 3:28
  There's just a slip hazard right in the middle of the kitchen that you have to go through.
• 3:32
  But I'm calling it. I put like a plaque that's like this was gifted by, I'll say like, Evan.
• 3:38
  But it's just a piece of paper.
• 3:40
  So it's all smeared and the letters are runny.
• 3:43
  What do you just ask people for money the whole time or like people pay for this?
• 3:46
  They would have to pay to get in.
• 3:47
  But people I'm out front like an old school carnival carny with a big top hat.
• 3:53
  And I'm just like a carnival barker.
• 3:54
  Yeah.
• 3:55
  That bright up.
• 3:56
  But you also are a valet.
• 3:58
  Right.
• 3:59
  I'm like, step right.
• 4:00
  Hold on. One second. One second.
• 4:01
  And I had to go like park somebody's car and I come back.
• 4:04
  Step right up.
• 4:05
  You're yelling it through the open window as you're driving their car through the parking lot.
• 4:09
  I'm like out of breath when I get back to the podium, maybe my zoo has the amenity where it just has loose firearms in it.
• 4:17
  And you just can maybe take some pop shots at some of the animals in there.
• 4:20
  Do you have to bring your own ammunition?
• 4:22
  You have to bring your own ammunition.
• 4:24
  I mean, you know, it's not a full service location.
• 4:27
  And you tell people before that they have to bring their own ammunition or is it like if you just happen to have some on you, you could take some pop shots.
• 4:33
  Yeah.
• 4:34
  Yeah. Maybe just carry around some loose.
• 4:36
  Yeah.
• 4:37
  Forty five ACP.
• 4:41
  But like I'm not going to tell you what caliber the guns are.
• 4:43
  So you're sticking random ammunition into some random guns.
• 4:47
  You might get your face blown off.
• 4:48
  You're hoping things work out.
• 4:51
  It is a shotgun shells in a twenty two.
• 4:54
  I'm hoping it works.
• 4:56
  People leave like scenes from the three stooges where they're just their hair is all blown back and they have like powder all over their face.
• 5:02
  They wear those barrels over their body because their clothes got blown off.
• 5:06
  It's because I take their clothes.
• 5:08
  Fair enough.
• 5:09
  They leave with no clothes because I take their clothes.
• 5:11
  Why do you what's the reason for taking them?
• 5:13
  I need clothes.
• 5:14
  OK.
• 5:15
  And I wear them all at one time.
• 5:17
  Like like people they'll go into a room and they're like you're not allowed to wear a shirt in here.
• 5:24
  Well, OK, you know, this has been weird.
• 5:26
  Weird. I'm still with you.
• 5:27
  I might as well see what else is happening.
• 5:29
  So I take the shirt, you know, as they continue.
• 5:32
  More and more clothes come off and by the end, they're naked with a barrel around and they see me wearing their clothes.
• 5:40
  Do you all get protesters over?
• 5:42
  We we get protesters and by protesters, I mean, professional testers.
• 5:48
  What are they testing?
• 5:49
  Testicular cancer.
• 5:53
  Got a lot of that.
• 5:54
  It's free.
• 5:55
  It's a free testicular cancer.
• 5:57
  So wait a second.
• 5:58
  Wait a second.
• 5:59
  So you're getting people naked at your zoo and then you're testing their testicles.
• 6:04
  This sounds like sexual assault.
• 6:06
  Not because it's you know, it's medical.
• 6:11
  And I want to say it probably is a good thing they're getting tested on the way out.
• 6:14
  You know, after you've gotten them naked, going to your zoo, because you definitely want to get tested for something once you leave.
• 6:21
  Yeah, you're stepping on a lot of sharp, weird objects.
• 6:24
  Yeah.
• 6:25
  We we test your testicles like how your car goes in to get its oil changed.
• 6:29
  Like you just step up and there's just like a divot in the ground where we just have some Saturday worker blue collar guys.
• 6:36
  You've got a guy that like that like directs you in like, come on in, come on in.
• 6:41
  Whoa, whoa, whoa.
• 6:43
  To the left.
• 6:45
  Pull you over and they're like, so you want synthetic or you want to have synthetic full synthetic.
• 6:53
  What are we filling you up with today?
• 6:54
  I'm looking at your air cabin air filter here and I think it might be time for us to replace it.
• 7:00
  Yeah, that's exactly what happens.
• 7:02
  You know, don't don't look down is what I'm saying.
• 7:05
  The guy below deck gets an eyeful, doesn't he?
• 7:07
  Yeah, yeah, they don't leave the same.
• 7:11
  They go home.
• 7:12
  They go home a little different.
• 7:14
  Yeah, at the end of the day, you know, they got their oil changed, you know.
• 7:19
  But yeah, that protesters, they are professional testy testers.
• 7:23
  And you know, they just are making sure you get tested for tested testicular cancer.
• 7:29
  You know, there's a like I said, it looks like how cars get the oils changed.
• 7:32
  There's a tent that you you go under.
• 7:35
  There's a sign that's handwritten to stop wait for a tendon.
• 7:41
  I would like to also say kids are not allowed.
• 7:44
  Let me go to put that out there and realize zoos tend toward the younger demographic.
• 7:49
  It's an adult zoo.
• 7:50
  It's an adult zoo.
• 7:52
  You don't get your car back the way it once was.
• 7:54
  Like, you know, yeah, like I said, it was a valet situation, but the seats are taken out.
• 7:59
  We take like all the seats out of your car so you don't have any car seats.
• 8:02
  So you weirdly just have to do like a Slavic squat while you drive.
• 8:08
  You really get strong quads.
• 8:11
  What do you do with the seats?
• 8:12
  Are you making an auditorium at your zoo?
• 8:15
  I'm making an auditorium.
• 8:17
  It was not planned, so I'm, you know, really working on the fly here.
• 8:20
  That's what all the car seats are just just bundled up on a hill.
• 8:24
  It's not even inside. It's on the hill.
• 8:26
  Yeah, it's just on a hill.
• 8:27
  I mean, you need, yeah, of course, like a like an incline.
• 8:30
  What do you just have millions of dollars to make an incline inside?
• 8:33
  Yeah, I have a lot of money just for the incline.
• 8:36
  That's where my whole budget was just to make an incline for this auditorium.
• 8:41
  You don't even know what you're going to do with yet.
• 8:43
  Well, you know how you go to some fancy zoos and they have like animal shows.
• 8:49
  That's what I'm going to do with your box turtles and sparrows that may or may not be there.
• 8:53
  I'm going to set an animal on top of a box and I'm just going to blow it away with a 12 gauge shotgun.
• 8:57
  OK.
• 8:58
  But I'm going to frame it like this is what we're doing to the planet.
• 9:02
  It's going to be an eco eco friendly show.
• 9:04
  An eco friendly show as I blow away a little hamster with a shotgun.
• 9:09
  They're going to leave not sure if you are pro environment or like anti environment.
• 9:15
  Well, they're going to know I'm pro environment, but it's going to be they're going to be confused.
• 9:18
  Don't be like you're an eco terrorist is what you are going to be like, you know, with all the greenhouse gases and carbon emissions,
• 9:26
  we're slowly killing the environment like this and I'll just turn into a pink mist.
• 9:35
  This is how you quickly kill the environment.
• 9:39
  I'll be like, this is what we're doing on a larger scale and there'll be a splash zone right up front.
• 9:44
  So you can take your kid. You can't take your kids because kids aren't allowed.
• 9:48
  You as an adult can sit right up front and just be right in that mist zone as I blow away a hamster.
• 9:54
  You're protesters. You're testicular.
• 9:56
  Yeah, you want it. You've been you haven't been the same since I said that.
• 10:00
  You've been deep in thought. I really circling that issue.
• 10:03
  I've got a lot to to ask about that.
• 10:06
  A lot of cancer.
• 10:08
  Really, my only question is, does anyone ever walk up to the doctors and they say testes nuts?
• 10:16
  Or is that all right?
• 10:18
  Is this have to do with your cancer, cancer testing?
• 10:22
  Just really asking if you should say that to oncologist testes nuts or anybody.
• 10:30
  It's what my sign says when you go under the tent. It just says testes nuts.
• 10:39
  And you go up under there and it's blue collar Saturday worker speed bags it like Mike Tyson.
• 10:48
  But they're doing it so fast it makes you wonder, is this right?
• 10:55
  And they got a five minute time limit.
• 10:57
  They do it so fast you're like, I feel different, but I can't describe if it's a good different or bad different.
• 11:03
  Just that it's different.
• 11:05
  I think this guy didn't go to school. There's no there's no way he knows what's going on here.
• 11:11
  You're hired. I just say y'all don't even have to apply.
• 11:14
  No need.
• 11:16
  Right. Ascent question with detour podcast at gmail dot com.
• 11:19
  Give us hypotheticals. Let us answer them.
• 11:22
  But let's let's do some hypotheticals.
• 11:24
  Dave, can I pose you an abstract, purely hypothetical question?
• 11:29
  I guess I want to apologize for asking a hypothetical question.
• 11:33
  Well, that's a hypothetical question.
• 11:41
  Y'all would consider yourselves romantics, right?
• 11:43
  Y'all bagged a woman, y'all bagged a wife. Right?
• 11:47
  I am married.
• 11:48
  We are all married. That means at some point y'all had to propose, right?
• 11:53
  You'll have to drop to one knee, I assume.
• 11:55
  And you had to ask this woman if she is willing to let you two nutcases into her life for the rest of her life.
• 12:03
  You're paying with broad strokes. Yeah.
• 12:06
  You summarized it, I guess.
• 12:08
  Paraphrasing.
• 12:09
  Yeah, you know, it's a cliff notes.
• 12:11
  Well, why don't we tell everybody how we propose to our wives?
• 12:15
  It was a dark summary.
• 12:17
  Oh, you're going into like a whole narrative.
• 12:21
  Okay. Okay. Okay. Let's set the setting.
• 12:24
  Okay. I don't know where you're going with this.
• 12:26
  I don't either. So we'll see where it goes.
• 12:29
  It was a dark, dreary summer evening.
• 12:34
  You're always approaching women in the dark.
• 12:36
  That's where I live.
• 12:39
  If I stray from the darkness, I will see the light. And that's just terrifying.
• 12:44
  So like a creepy Batman.
• 12:47
  He calls himself man bat.
• 12:52
  He just has really big fang teeth.
• 12:55
  And I take care of crime.
• 12:58
  Things that I see as crime, you know, I don't live by the letter of the law, if you will.
• 13:03
  What do you see as crime? Murder.
• 13:05
  Oh, okay. So that's good. So basically what crime is.
• 13:08
  Okay, I get it. Okay.
• 13:09
  Back to your looking at me a little weird.
• 13:12
  You mean you as the man bat with fang teeth and like you're just have plastic.
• 13:16
  Bags on your arm. Yeah, I got to say, I don't appreciate that.
• 13:19
  And I don't I don't think that would hold up in a court of law.
• 13:22
  You don't even let it get there. You just go ahead and I take care of it myself.
• 13:25
  Yeah, because what the law won't take care of, I will.
• 13:29
  But all that's beside the point. Again, it was a dark summer day.
• 13:32
  Dark summer day. It was like a solar eclipse situation. Yeah, it was late.
• 13:39
  It had been raining that day, but I was sweating.
• 13:42
  Of course, just armpits drenched crotch. Absolutely.
• 13:47
  Like you were dumping.
• 13:50
  You're just dumping sodas into your lap. I was trying to cool off.
• 13:54
  Yeah. The carbonation does wonder for the humidity.
• 14:00
  Just really gets your body feeling like it's back to regular body temps, you know.
• 14:05
  So when I walked into the surgery center to prepare for my proposal,
• 14:11
  I was, of course, elated to be there because I had this all planned.
• 14:15
  I've been planning it for at least weeks.
• 14:18
  This is the surgery, not the proposal. Yeah. Wait, wait.
• 14:21
  I haven't I think Alan's a little more ahead of me. I haven't quite.
• 14:24
  I'm still waiting to hear how this all conjoins. We'll get there. OK.
• 14:30
  So I go back for surgery. I'm sedated.
• 14:33
  They do the procedure and I'm back out on the streets.
• 14:37
  Why do you say it like that?
• 14:41
  Well, they didn't want me there, really.
• 14:43
  I kind of forced them into the surgery.
• 14:46
  But once I was out of recovery and out on the streets and they sound like they did the surgery on you,
• 14:52
  didn't realize you were her. You say you were.
• 14:54
  And they just rolled you out onto the street in the hospital bed.
• 14:57
  Yeah, we can't be liable for this. This is what happens when you don't have insurance.
• 15:03
  So I'm making my way back home and I'm going to the next part of the plan.
• 15:07
  Surgery is done. We're going to surgery was a part of the plan.
• 15:10
  Well, yeah, I've been playing this for weeks.
• 15:12
  And step one was surgery. OK. Checked it off the list.
• 15:16
  Step two. Did you say what the surgery was? I think it's don't get ahead of me.
• 15:19
  I think it's a part of it. Yeah. OK. He's holding for he's holding for suspense.
• 15:23
  Yeah, I see. Carry on. We're we're building. Part two was dinner.
• 15:27
  So you're in. You still in the hospital gown, though?
• 15:29
  Oh, of course. I'm not going to change out of that.
• 15:31
  I've been under anesthesia. Yeah. Well, they just rolled me out in it.
• 15:35
  Right. And I thought that was kind of freeing, really.
• 15:38
  Mm hmm. It felt good to just be able to show my butt to the world
• 15:43
  and not be condemned for it. Feel the wind on your.
• 15:46
  What do you call the bag? What do you call the bag?
• 15:51
  The bag that you class me back. Colossal me back.
• 15:55
  Yeah. Feel the wind on your colostomy bag. Yeah, sure. The Colossal me back.
• 15:59
  Yeah, that wind on your keister.
• 16:01
  It's kind of like somebody blowing above like an old old time you jug.
• 16:06
  You know, I'm talking about they blow over right over the as the air goes through the crack.
• 16:11
  Yeah, I get a little higher pitch with mine lately.
• 16:15
  I've noticed I think the clench helps.
• 16:18
  But anyway, I make my way back home and I prepare for step number two,
• 16:22
  which dinner at a nice French place on the river.
• 16:26
  And as we're eating dinner and, you know, I asked the waiter to bring over some champagne,
• 16:32
  just a nice drink for us to enjoy. Romantic. Romantic, right?
• 16:36
  Maybe a little cake, you know, to bring out for dessert. Cake, champagne.
• 16:40
  Sitting on the other side of the table and your hospital got bleeding.
• 16:43
  Right. Profusely. You just had a questionable surgery.
• 16:46
  My face is white. Just like I look like I'm not long for the world.
• 16:53
  And my wife's just there. I guess my fiance, her.
• 16:56
  No, my girlfriend at the time is just sitting there, you know, taking all of me in, you know,
• 17:01
  just basking in the glory that is this was a make a wish situation.
• 17:05
  She didn't realize how deep she was going. Right.
• 17:08
  And she thinks we've been dating for some time now.
• 17:12
  She thinks, hey, maybe there's a ring in the champagne glass.
• 17:16
  So she chugs a champagne glass. Oh, no ring there.
• 17:19
  Alcoholic. She's like, oh, OK, well, there was a ring there.
• 17:24
  Maybe it's in this cake. You know, sometimes they'll hide it in the case or get to like a little,
• 17:28
  you know, the baby and the king cake kind of situation.
• 17:31
  It's not there either after after we eat through that.
• 17:34
  And y'all probably didn't eat through that gracefully either.
• 17:36
  No, just devoured it with your hands. Yeah.
• 17:40
  Like it was a race to see who could eat more cake.
• 17:42
  Yeah. And out of that exhaustion of just racing to eat that cake, I'm sweating.
• 17:47
  You were sweating because of the fever. Right.
• 17:50
  My body's trying to keep up with the infection that is developing in my body right now.
• 17:56
  And eventually I just pass out on the floor. OK. Yeah, absolutely. Right.
• 18:01
  I'm just I'm dead. Basically, not actually dead.
• 18:04
  You're flatlining. Yeah, I'm I'm closing in on the pearly gates.
• 18:08
  And they're like, call a doctor, call an ambulance. Oh, who was there?
• 18:12
  Whoever's in the restaurant. You know, I'm laying on the floor.
• 18:15
  I need I need medical attention. Sure.
• 18:17
  Obviously, with the she didn't know it's important to know that you said they said call a doctor.
• 18:23
  They everyone around your wife, Savannah. Yeah.
• 18:26
  Was continued. She was like, I get the cake to myself.
• 18:29
  Yeah, she was like, the ring's got to be in here somewhere.
• 18:33
  She was just looking for that. And anyway, the doctors get there.
• 18:37
  They rip off my hospital account. Oh, wow.
• 18:41
  They're like, you're not going to fight back.
• 18:46
  Well, they noticed that I had to freebie.
• 18:50
  They're like, who had the coupon for a buy one get one free?
• 18:58
  Well, they noticed I had been bleeding through the hospital.
• 19:01
  So we probably need to stop whatever this bleed is in his abdomen.
• 19:05
  That is just absolutely making this man pass out.
• 19:08
  So they ripped the hospital gown back like like pretty like centrally, though.
• 19:12
  Well, I mean, they like like they were there when their hair was blown in the wind.
• 19:16
  Yeah. And they like gracefully pull it back and then like kind of rub their finger down my cheek or something.
• 19:21
  Yeah. Give you a kiss on the forehead. Yeah.
• 19:23
  One of the doctors holds an oscillating fan while the other rips the gown off.
• 19:27
  You know how doctors are these days.
• 19:29
  I love that you had doctors come to you like EMT.
• 19:32
  Yeah. Like full blown physician. I keep them on speed dial.
• 19:36
  I knew what was going down again. I've been preparing this proposal for a few.
• 19:40
  I had doctors on speed. That's kind of your way to get out any explanation.
• 19:43
  You're like, I prepared. I did.
• 19:47
  And so they look at my wound and they're like, wait, there's something in there.
• 19:51
  Oh, OK. Yeah, I see where this is going now.
• 19:54
  They cut open the wound. There's a ring.
• 19:57
  The doctor pulls the ring out, turns around to my wife and says, will you marry him?
• 20:04
  Because I was too scared to propose to her myself. I was way too nervous.
• 20:07
  I had to make sure I had an intermediary.
• 20:09
  This whole thing was in an effort to not actually propose to her.
• 20:13
  Right. I was way too nervous.
• 20:17
  You were like, I might die, but it's better than actually getting down on one knee.
• 20:23
  And that's on social anxiety.
• 20:27
  Well, she said yes. So, I mean, I mean, it worked.
• 20:30
  I bet she thought she was about to marry a doctor, though.
• 20:34
  I mean, she saw this doctor just come out of the woodwork for you.
• 20:38
  Apparently he proposed to her. And then she's like, yes, absolutely.
• 20:42
  She was really hoping for the more heroic one in the situation. Absolutely.
• 20:45
  But no, she's marrying the dying guy.
• 20:48
  No, she definitely got the short end of the stick on that one.
• 20:51
  Yeah. Yeah. I mean, she said yes. So that's legally binding.
• 20:55
  You roped her into it.
• 20:57
  She could have just seen the state that Evan was in and thought, you know what?
• 21:00
  He's about to kick it.
• 21:02
  There's a life insurance policy there. Let's see what I can get from this.
• 21:06
  But that's how I proposed to my wife.
• 21:08
  That honestly is a fantastic way to propose. Very different.
• 21:12
  I mean, you named off the kind of the cliche stuff.
• 21:15
  You said maybe it's in the bottom of the champagne. Maybe it's in the cake.
• 21:18
  Yeah. You know, I'm not a BB, as Alan would say.
• 21:22
  Not a double B. No.
• 21:24
  You know, you were like, man, getting down on one knee so played out.
• 21:29
  What if I got my sweaty, infected body down on the ground?
• 21:35
  What if I almost died for this?
• 21:38
  I want to know why you couldn't just cut yourself open, put the ring in yourself,
• 21:42
  why you had to tie up an operating room.
• 21:44
  Well, I want to make sure it was done right.
• 21:46
  How do you convince the surgeon to go through with this?
• 21:49
  Well, as a man bat, you have a lot of black.
• 21:53
  I forgot about the man bat.
• 21:55
  Yeah. You have a lot of what I'll call blackmail and opportunities there
• 22:00
  because, of course, I'm spying on them as they do.
• 22:03
  They didn't put you under for that surgery, did they?
• 22:05
  No, no, no.
• 22:06
  You were completely aware of the whole thing.
• 22:08
  Yeah, they did it out of hate. So they...
• 22:11
  And by blackmail, you mean you have Damon Wayans Jr. lookalike
• 22:16
  who's taking pictures of the doctors?
• 22:18
  Right. Yeah, I had a blackmail there.
• 22:20
  OK. OK.
• 22:22
  That's what Evan said as he was on the ground.
• 22:25
  Savannah, she said, yes, I'll marry you.
• 22:27
  And she was like, I have a black friend.
• 22:32
  That was that sealed the deal.
• 22:34
  Yeah. Oh, he's cool. I didn't know.
• 22:36
  I didn't know he was like that.
• 22:38
  So the doctors cut you up without anesthesia
• 22:41
  and just stuck a ring in you, hit you on your way.
• 22:45
  Yeah. What? Not far in, you know, just right under the dermis.
• 22:49
  Yeah, you could see the outline of it.
• 22:51
  Yeah, it was poking out for sure.
• 22:54
  Now that you know this is possible just to have things in your body.
• 22:57
  Yeah. Do you have any future plans to put things in your body?
• 23:00
  Well, like, maybe. Let me let me suggest something.
• 23:04
  Maybe one day when you have a child, first birthday, guess what?
• 23:08
  You have to unwrap.
• 23:10
  Dad. My skin.
• 23:15
  Yeah, you just you're like, here you go, little Susie and Denmark.
• 23:19
  And you just just Superman.
• 23:22
  My chest. Oh, yeah.
• 23:24
  You just Superman. You're screaming.
• 23:29
  But it's so it's so much more uncomfortable to hide a full size Barbie than a ring.
• 23:34
  Bloody Barbie fall down like a chest burster scene from Alien.
• 23:41
  You're like, I did this for you.
• 23:44
  I'd be happy. One.
• 23:46
  We're going to do it for the gender reveal to.
• 23:49
  Oh, OK. I like a little popper in my chest.
• 23:54
  I'm going to set fire to a forest like all the ones in California.
• 23:58
  Yeah. Yeah. Very romantic.
• 24:00
  I don't I didn't expect any less of you.
• 24:03
  Yeah, I read some books before to prepare, you know, how to how to win a woman,
• 24:07
  how to be Jean Claude Van Damme to a guy, you know, Fabio style, you know.
• 24:13
  And that scar did not heal up well. It looks terrible.
• 24:16
  I think that's infected. Yeah, it smells.
• 24:19
  It's been bleeding the entire two years that we've been married.
• 24:22
  So yeah, you just you haven't been exactly cleaning it or like dressing it correctly.
• 24:27
  Well, no, it's a it's a reminder of a time, a good time.
• 24:32
  You know, it's a reminder of our love is what I'll say.
• 24:35
  Very good. Very romantic.
• 24:37
  All right, Alan, you found the soulmate love your life.
• 24:40
  You're ready to get the government involved.
• 24:43
  How do you propose? That's right.
• 24:45
  How do you propose to your wife?
• 24:47
  Well, they say that, you know, the best part about a relationship is the governmental oversight.
• 24:51
  Right. Right. So I wasn't really sure that she would say yes.
• 24:57
  We weren't either. Yeah.
• 24:59
  You know, and I, you know, people may say, what are you talking about?
• 25:03
  Say, well, you know, you don't know me. Not a catch.
• 25:07
  So what I'm what I'm doing is I've set up a trap. Good. Good.
• 25:12
  I kind of made it a situation where not that she had to,
• 25:17
  but it might have been really uncomfortable if she didn't say yes.
• 25:22
  This is already going well.
• 25:26
  So I dug just me and just me and a shovel.
• 25:31
  Are you declaring something as another name?
• 25:35
  I will propose.
• 25:40
  No, I actually dug a hole, just a nine foot deep hole.
• 25:44
  Oh, my God. It was it was a deep hole.
• 25:46
  How wide? One foot.
• 25:48
  It was a it was more of a slit.
• 25:51
  It's a trap door. Yeah. Yeah.
• 25:53
  And that's and that's essentially what it is.
• 25:55
  So I didn't lure her.
• 25:59
  I convinced her, sir, with like maybe misleading messages.
• 26:05
  So you to come in the in the vicinity of the nine foot deep hole.
• 26:10
  Well, I mean, I think it begs the question.
• 26:13
  How what did you use as bait to not lure a woman?
• 26:18
  No, that would be that'd be weird.
• 26:20
  And quite frankly, we don't support that. Oh, OK.
• 26:23
  Well, I mean, it's good to be on the soapbox.
• 26:25
  We're pro women. But I do want to say every good relationship starts with a bunch of lies.
• 26:30
  Yeah. So I think you're off on a good foot there. That is true.
• 26:33
  Well, what did you do to lure her to that location?
• 26:36
  So what I did is I just kind of lured her into not lured, not lured.
• 26:43
  I convinced her to come to maybe a shaded area where my my nine foot deep hole was dug.
• 26:50
  And what I did is I told her that there would be just a lot of free oranges there.
• 26:54
  These are the citrus gout. Yeah.
• 26:56
  Kind of citrus gout. Very autistic of her that you just.
• 27:00
  Yeah. You're just like, I have oranges.
• 27:02
  And she was like, OK, is it just oranges or is it all citrus?
• 27:06
  It's just oranges and orange flavored things.
• 27:10
  So there's the orange prime fruit.
• 27:14
  There's also orange tootsie pops, orange scented pine.
• 27:18
  So yeah, I'm going to push pop.
• 27:20
  Yeah, I think we had one of those in there. OK.
• 27:22
  It was just kind of like just kind of a wide assortment of orange flavored and scented things.
• 27:29
  You have told this girl that you've been dating.
• 27:32
  You needed to convince her, which is concerning at the first point that you didn't have your trust, that you could just like, hey, come with me for a surprise.
• 27:39
  You had to convince her. Yeah. Yeah.
• 27:43
  There's like she's a macaw.
• 27:47
  Like she's a ring-tailed lemur.
• 27:50
  Look, you have some fruit under a tree.
• 27:53
  You guys know me.
• 27:55
  I wouldn't I wouldn't say that that it's I wouldn't say that I'm the deadliest catch, if you will.
• 28:01
  You know, sir, my personality needs a little bit of convincing.
• 28:05
  And you you you bolstered your lack of personality with the fact that you have a surplus of fruit.
• 28:10
  Uh huh. That's right.
• 28:13
  So what I do is I covering my nine foot deep hole is just a bunch of leaves.
• 28:17
  Yeah. And a net.
• 28:18
  If a Vietnam veteran walked by, they would get PTSD.
• 28:21
  Yeah. This is where Charlie would come out of probably in a in attack.
• 28:27
  But yeah, I've got I've got a net placed over the top of the hole with leaves covering it.
• 28:31
  And hanging above the center of the hole is that basket of orange related products.
• 28:36
  Now knowing her, she wants this orange related stuff.
• 28:39
  She's got a starts like grunting and drooling.
• 28:42
  She's like starts scratching herself.
• 28:44
  You know, she's like, I got to have an orange thing in like five minutes.
• 28:48
  I got to get my fix.
• 28:50
  So she naturally just runs over there, grabs the basket, falls into the hole trapped within the net.
• 28:56
  I bagged myself a fiance.
• 28:59
  I was just going to say a nine foot drop seems it seems.
• 29:04
  That much five seven.
• 29:07
  It seems potentially harmful.
• 29:09
  Why did you stop at nine foot?
• 29:11
  Why didn't you just 20 foot?
• 29:13
  Why don't you let her break her shins?
• 29:17
  Be honest, I ran out of time.
• 29:21
  I didn't I didn't have time to go further.
• 29:24
  Nine foot is all we were working with here.
• 29:26
  What I did do, though, is, you know, to cushion some of the some of the blow is I put a air mattress at the bottom of it.
• 29:33
  Now it is deflated.
• 29:34
  So that helped her landing a little bit, not a lot, but a little.
• 29:39
  But it was only a one foot wide hole.
• 29:41
  She was like a cat trying to stay out of a bathtub.
• 29:44
  Her arms and legs were like on the side of the wall.
• 29:47
  Yeah, it's a claustrophobic nightmare.
• 29:50
  Yeah, it seems like her head will be bouncing back and forth between the walls.
• 29:54
  But the thing is, when you caught in a situation like that, you'll do just about anything to get out of there.
• 29:58
  Yeah, I was going to ask, how did she feel about being in the hole?
• 30:01
  She kind of excited.
• 30:03
  Was she like, why is she going to trap me here?
• 30:06
  Noticeably pissed.
• 30:09
  She's not a Madame Zaroni type. She's not a fan of holes.
• 30:12
  No, she's she's not a fan of holes.
• 30:14
  She's more like the the kids that have to dig the holes.
• 30:18
  Or just not naturally addictive.
• 30:21
  Evan, follow me here.
• 30:23
  Do you think on your heels?
• 30:25
  Do you think I'm not walking?
• 30:28
  Well, he's stepping on the back of your shoes.
• 30:31
  I'm right here.
• 30:32
  Falling so close.
• 30:33
  I can feel your breath on the back of my neck.
• 30:35
  Do you think Alan has slipped in oxycodone pills into these oranges and has slowly gotten his wife addicted to oxy?
• 30:45
  It does seem like that way.
• 30:47
  She just because he described somebody that was coming down off an oxy high.
• 30:52
  She was scratching and drooling.
• 30:54
  And he was he was planning it like he was like, I'm going to.
• 30:57
  Yeah, there's something up with this orange stuff.
• 30:59
  All right.
• 31:00
  Are there opiates in the orange?
• 31:03
  Yes and no.
• 31:05
  And by the no portion, I do mean yes.
• 31:08
  So yes and yes.
• 31:10
  Yeah, he snuck some opiates into an orange.
• 31:14
  Like how you sneak a vitamin to your dog's peanut butter.
• 31:17
  Look, an orange is naturally one of the worst fruits.
• 31:22
  You're going to have to be on drugs to like it.
• 31:25
  Katie, his wife was like, God, these are great oranges.
• 31:30
  She has a couple of those those oranges and she's just passed out on the couch just in a daze.
• 31:36
  You know, peeling off just loves it.
• 31:40
  So, you know, after after we got married, we do have to get her off the oxy.
• 31:44
  So I slowly, slowly start giving her real oranges.
• 31:49
  Yeah, every other one doesn't is it spiked?
• 31:51
  Yeah, she starts getting headaches, irritability, but it's all for the best.
• 31:56
  You know, she dresses and just like dirty clothes and like a toboggan.
• 32:00
  And she just looks like a she just walks around the neighborhood going door to door.
• 32:04
  Just like you got the stuff as she scratches on her arms.
• 32:07
  She looks like how Shia LaBeouf looks right now.
• 32:12
  Just, you know, just dirty baggy clothes looks like just unhealthy.
• 32:19
  But it's all right, because we're getting her off those drugs and we're getting her hooked on regular oranges.
• 32:24
  Nothing says true love like putting your wife through withdrawals.
• 32:30
  Making your wife addicted to the one of the most hardcore drugs there is and then forcing her to go through the withdrawals.
• 32:38
  Yeah, that's that's so romantic.
• 32:40
  Well, you know, first throwing her in a nine foot hole.
• 32:44
  I do want to say you haven't gotten to the point where she says yes.
• 32:49
  That is, you know, when she is at her peak of the of the opioid orange high, I then propose and she's like, whatever, just give me.
• 33:01
  Yeah, it's the the ring is within an orange that I've split in half.
• 33:07
  Also, there's opioids.
• 33:11
  I don't want that or the pills.
• 33:13
  Very good. Oh, and then I say, aren't you glad you said yes?
• 33:17
  Yeah, it's all for the joke.
• 33:19
  And I look at the camera and wink.
• 33:21
  Very romantic.
• 33:24
  Well, I never doubted for a second you guys were some of the most romantic people on this planet.
• 33:30
  There's a reason you are married.
• 33:32
  There's a reason you are not single.
• 33:34
  There's a reason you get to go home to somebody tonight.
• 33:37
  As we move along here at Questionably Tour, we like to be on the cutting edge of trends.
• 33:43
  There's nothing more on the cutting edge of trends than ASMR.
• 33:47
  It has taken over the Internet.
• 33:49
  Millions of people enjoy it.
• 33:51
  So we decided to dip our toe into that ASMR pool.
• 33:55
  So let's make some noises.
• 33:58
  Wow, that what great noises.
• 34:06
  You know, here at Questionably Tour, we pride ourselves that we give knowledge, we give wisdom.
• 34:12
  But nobody gives more knowledge than our sister station, QDNBR.
• 34:17
  So let's see what current events they have for us today.
• 34:28
  Welcome to QDNBR.
• 34:31
  My name is Zacchaeus. I'm joined here with Evanescence and Alejandro.
• 34:36
  Today we have a riveting story about the new front on the war on drugs.
• 34:43
  Evanescence, you have our story for today.
• 34:46
  This just in.
• 34:48
  The New Orleans Police Department officials have said that rats are investigating.
• 34:53
  Investigating.
• 34:56
  Investigating.
• 34:58
  The New Orleans Police Department officials have said that rats are investigating the department's headquarters
• 35:05
  and are all high from eating the marijuana stored in the evidence room.
• 35:09
  Wow, what a compelling story we have today.
• 35:13
  The war on drugs has been going around since the Reagan administration,
• 35:17
  with battles being lost in one, with millions being addicted and dying every day.
• 35:24
  Now it seems that drugs have not only crossed racial lines, but they also have crossed species lines as well.
• 35:32
  Alejandro is our boots on the ground reporter who is in New Orleans right now in the police station ready to report.
• 35:41
  Alejandro, what are you seeing? What are you seeing at the police station?
• 35:45
  Thank you, Zacchaeus. Here we are at the New Orleans police station.
• 35:50
  And my...
• 35:52
  See, there's only one.
• 35:56
  There is only one. The rats have taken the rest.
• 35:59
  They've turned them into dens for their marijuana smoking, long-haired, doobie rolling joint joints.
• 36:08
  The city is falling.
• 36:12
  Local officials are in favor of martial law. Rats are in favor of Sharia law.
• 36:19
  It does not look promising and there is a hurricane on its way here.
• 36:25
  It's just all downhill for the city of New Orleans.
• 36:29
  It seems that God is ready to cleanse New Orleans a second time.
• 36:33
  It's all that sin.
• 36:36
  They're calling this ratrina.
• 36:39
  Now, Alejandro, is it true that Jude Law has been down there to advocate for the cease of drug use?
• 36:49
  Yes, Jude Law has been in town advocating against drug abuse.
• 36:55
  Although many have thought he's been here filming Sherlock Holmes 3.
• 37:00
  That rumor has since been squashed.
• 37:02
  Now, Alejandro, it seems that you have gone full undercover into the rats organization.
• 37:09
  And right now you seem to have a joint and have grown cornrows and sitting on a beanbag chair
• 37:17
  around some really chill rats.
• 37:19
  What can I say, my dudes? I'm just here to play it cool and hang loose, bro.
• 37:27
  Wow, he seems like he's really undercover.
• 37:30
  Oh, he's getting the inside scoop.
• 37:32
  That's what we respect the most from Alejandro.
• 37:35
  Let me throw it back to Evanescence.
• 37:37
  Evanescence, I see that there are reports of not only an increase in rat drugs,
• 37:42
  but an increase in rat prostitution and rat pimps.
• 37:47
  Is there any truth to this?
• 37:53
  Sykesias, that unfortunately is correct.
• 37:56
  Rats are hoeing themselves out left and right for just a little chunk of cash.
• 38:02
  A little bit of cheddar.
• 38:07
  Alejandro may be high as a kite right now, but he's still quick.
• 38:14
  There's a delay in the transmission, and he was so quick on that.
• 38:21
  Yeah, a little bit of cheddar to stock their little piggy banks.
• 38:26
  And that's just what society comes to when it's, one, run by rats, and, two, just sin.
• 38:32
  High rats.
• 38:33
  Just sin.
• 38:35
  Rats that can't really see where they're even going because they're just so high.
• 38:39
  They just start banging each other for money.
• 38:44
  Just so much sin down there in New Orleans.
• 38:47
  May God cleanse it.
• 38:50
  But I'm unbiased. I'm just reporting on this.
• 38:53
  We're objective here.
• 38:54
  Now, as we speak, Alejandro has a hidden camera, and he's getting into a known rat pimp, rat-a-tat-tat.
• 39:02
  Now, we're going to go to Alan as he speaks to the pimp rats.
• 39:06
  Yes, Zac Easeus. Since the city has divulged...
• 39:10
  He's talking to the camera.
• 39:13
  Since the city has divulged into just weed and piss, I've gotten into the backseat of local pimp rat-a-tat-tat's vehicle to see what he's up against.
• 39:28
  So, rat-a-tat-tat, good speaking with you, my guy.
• 39:36
  Tell us a little bit about what an average night looks like for you in this new New Orleans.
• 39:42
  Yeah, me and my posse, we run these streets, go down to the local brothel here.
• 39:47
  We got worked up.
• 39:50
  I hoe out some of my girls, collect some cash, run some guns.
• 39:57
  Haven't been to the local club yet, the rat trap.
• 40:01
  We'll head on down to the rat trap, sling some cheddar, maybe do a little marijuana, if you will.
• 40:08
  I'll collect some money from my hoes and other prostitutes that I have under my employment.
• 40:14
  So rat-a-tat-tat, how many employees you got?
• 40:17
  Depends on the day.
• 40:18
  So they're strictly part-time?
• 40:23
  No one can live this life full-time, let me tell you that. It's a hard life down here.
• 40:28
  We're doing all these guns and marijuanas.
• 40:31
  Would you say it's hard out here for a pimp?
• 40:33
  It's hard out here for a rat-pimp, that's for sure.
• 40:36
  Wow, it's so nice that this pimp has such a big mouth and just will jump right into an interview.
• 40:45
  He was so willing to talk.
• 40:47
  This just tells you the state of New Orleans right now.
• 40:50
  They're so unafraid.
• 40:51
  The criminals are fearless.
• 40:53
  What were you talking to back there?
• 40:56
  Now, as per normal, there have been a few groups against and for the new organized rat crime.
• 41:08
  Yeah, it's a kisies. One just came up against these rats smoking all the marijuana.
• 41:12
  The group is called Rats. I was going to smoke that.
• 41:17
  There's also a group against the rat population increase called Mice Mice Baby,
• 41:25
  who hates to see that the rat population is growing.
• 41:28
  Another group has come out advocating for the cease of the drugs.
• 41:33
  The group is called We Need to Put a Rodent in This.
• 41:39
  Another group has come out in favor of the rats and in support of them in their now governmental positions.
• 41:45
  The name of their group is A Rat in the Hand is Worth Two in the Kush.
• 41:52
  Another group of what's left of the New Orleans police and the medical community have formed a new group called the Joint Task Force.
• 42:03
  A group has also come out in favor of the drug increase We Co-Can.
• 42:11
  They would like to see an increase in drug use around New Orleans.
• 42:15
  Well, as New Orleans comes under seize of the increasingly drug addicted rodent population, more and more are being concerned.
• 42:26
  But as we end today's broadcast, if you would like to show your support or show that you are in opposition of the rat takeover,
• 42:35
  go to www.RollARatOne.com. But for Evanescence and Alejandro, I am Zacchaeus. Good night.
• 42:43
  Wow. Well, thank you, QDNPR.
• 42:54
  Alejandro, I want to thank him specifically putting himself in danger.
• 42:59
  I mean, you heard the shots get fired at the end of that broadcast.
• 43:03
  He might be dead. I think I'm kind of worried about him with Rat-a-tat-tat.
• 43:08
  I'm hoping that he can he can come out of that, come out of that life clean.
• 43:15
  He just he's so he's such a cool guy. I wish we had a cool guy like that around here.
• 43:19
  Yeah. I mean, you got to admire his dedication and to the craft, you know, really getting high to get the down low.
• 43:25
  Yeah. Yeah.
• 43:27
  I'm sorry. I'm sure he hates his life as he gets hooked on hard drugs and hard women that just down there in New Orleans.
• 43:34
  You know, I'm sure he is just living the tough life as he lives a life of no responsibility.
• 43:43
  But as I say that, let's give the Saturday workers a one liner wisdom.
• 43:51
  You know, a wise poet once said, if you like it, then you should have put a ring on it.
• 43:57
  I say no. Dig a nine foot deep hole.
• 44:01
  Use a net and some leaves and a basket of orange related products.
• 44:05
  Capture that woman and the drugs. Don't forget the drugs.
• 44:09
  Yeah. Who's to say?
• 44:11
  Really, the outcomes the same, though, I think.
• 44:13
  So that's that's good. Good wisdom.
• 44:15
  You know, they say if you love it, then you got to let it go.
• 44:18
  And if it comes back, then it was meant to be, which is how I found out that I loved my life.
• 44:24
  So, yikes. Oh, good.
• 44:30
  Good. With them fought back from the brink.
• 44:32
  Oh, if you have a hypothetical, if you need some advice from the three wisest people,
• 44:38
  if you have a subject you want facts on, write us in question will detour podcast at Gmail dot com.
• 44:45
  But you guys want to be done?
• 44:48
  You should expect the detour.