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What Really Happens When You Stop Chasing Your Ex · The Art of Love With Lucia

• 0:07
  If you're trying not to chase your ex right now, but every
• 0:11
  part of you wants to reach out, then this video is for you.
• 0:15
  After a breakup, your brain is not thinking clearly.
• 0:20
  It's in a threat response, and depending on your attachment
• 0:25
  style, your instinct may be to chase, to fix things, to hold
• 0:30
  on, to make the pain stop. And that urge feels urgent.
• 0:35
  But it's not intuition, it's an old survival pattern.
• 0:41
  And chasing doesn't just fail to bring your ex back, it actually
• 0:45
  keeps them away. So in this video I want to
• 0:49
  explain what actually starts to change when you don't chase your
• 0:53
  ex, both in them and in you, and why stopping is often the first
• 0:59
  moment the dynamic finally shifts.
• 1:01
  Hi, this is Lucia with the Art of Love.
• 1:04
  I'm a dating and relationship expert specializing in helping
• 1:07
  you get your ex back or to get over your ex.
• 1:10
  And welcome back my beautiful no contact army.
• 1:13
  How is the no contact going? If you're having difficulty then
• 1:18
  be sure to download my app Silencio to help you stay in no
• 1:21
  contact. The link for that is underneath
• 1:24
  every single video and podcast and we now have a community tab
• 1:28
  where you can post your situation and get help from
• 1:32
  everyone else in the army. And if you too would like to
• 1:35
  join our beautiful no contact army, all you have to have to do
• 1:38
  is hit the subscribe button and the bell notification and you're
• 1:42
  in. And to read our manual, go to
• 1:45
  nocontactsecrets.com where you can read 2 free chapters before
• 1:49
  you purchase the book. OK, so when someone breaks up
• 1:52
  with you, it's extremely difficult to stay logical or
• 1:56
  rational, right? So it's because you're in a
• 2:00
  heightened emotional state and how you react to the breakup is
• 2:05
  going to depend on your attachment style.
• 2:08
  And if you have abandonment wounds, your instinct is going
• 2:11
  to be to chase, to restore connection, to do something,
• 2:14
  anything to relieve the anxiety, which is the opposite of an
• 2:19
  avoidant. They will run away, not run
• 2:22
  towards. So your instinct to run towards
• 2:26
  it feels compelling, but it's not coming from clarity, it's
• 2:29
  coming from unhealed emotional patterns often formed long
• 2:35
  before this relationship. So let's talk about what happens
• 2:38
  when you don't follow that instinct, When you stop chasing.
• 2:44
  So when no one is chasing them, your ex, then there's no reason
• 2:49
  to keep running. So of course they stop running.
• 2:53
  Seems obvious, right? And you know, chasing doesn't
• 2:58
  just mean contacting them. It can look like watching their
• 3:03
  stories, asking mutual friends about them, accidentally showing
• 3:08
  up with they'll be staring at them if you work together or go
• 3:12
  to the same school, and all of that communicates the same
• 3:17
  thing. I haven't accepted this.
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  So when someone associates you with pressure, guilt, or
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  emotional intensity, they can't feel positive about you.
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  Attraction cannot coexist with that kind of energy.
• 3:34
  When you stop chasing, you finally give them space, and
• 3:38
  space is what allows them to calm down and eventually think.
• 3:44
  And that's when they can begin to wonder whether the breakup
• 3:47
  was actually the right decision. Because right now, when you're
• 3:49
  chasing, they know the breakup was the right decision.
• 3:55
  When you chase someone who broke up with you, the message that
• 3:58
  you're sending, whether you mean to or not, is that they are the
• 4:03
  prize. You're communicating that even
• 4:06
  though they walked the way, you still see them as more valuable
• 4:10
  than yourself, and that lowers your perceived value and places
• 4:16
  them above you. But when you stop chasing, the
• 4:20
  dynamic changes. You're no longer reinforcing the
• 4:25
  idea that they're better than you, or that they hold all the
• 4:29
  power. You've taken them off the
• 4:31
  pedestal, and that can be a blow to their ego, which is a good
• 4:35
  thing. And they'll start to wonder what
• 4:39
  happened. Did you move on?
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  Did you realize they're not as irreplaceable as you once
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  thought and that shift matters now?
• 4:51
  One of the stages that an ex goes through after a breakup is
• 4:56
  curiosity, and I've talked about this in my video about the
• 5:01
  stages that a dumper goes through after a breakup, and
• 5:05
  I'll put the link in the upper right hand corner on YouTube.
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  So if they expected you to keep chasing and suddenly you don't,
• 5:13
  it creates an open loop. They don't have an answer for
• 5:17
  why you stopped, and until they do, they're going to think about
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  it. When you were chasing, you were
• 5:25
  feeding into their ego, even if they didn't want you back.
• 5:30
  When you stop, it can feel like a quiet rejection on some level.
• 5:35
  And no one enjoys being rejected, right?
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  And that discomfort creates curiosity, and curiosity raises
• 5:44
  interest level. When someone breaks up with you,
• 5:47
  their interest level is already below 50, and this is one of the
• 5:52
  factors that allows it to slowly rise again, as long as you don't
• 5:58
  undo it by chasing or offering reassurance too soon.
• 6:03
  So you're laying the foundation for a new dynamic to emerge.
• 6:09
  Now, before I go on, if you'd like my personal help navigating
• 6:13
  this and avoiding mistakes that can set you back, you can find
• 6:17
  my coaching information at theartoflove.net/coaching.
• 6:22
  The rates are not on the website, and the clickable link
• 6:25
  to that is underneath every single video and podcast.
• 6:29
  OK, so when you refuse to leave your ex alone after a breakup,
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  the message that you're sending is that they could have you back
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  at any time. There's no urgency, no risk.
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  When you stop chasing, that certainty finally disappears,
• 6:48
  and they begin to wonder whether you've accepted the breakup,
• 6:52
  whether you've given up, whether you're moving on for good.
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  And that's when fear of loss can show up.
• 7:01
  The dynamic begins to reverse. Instead of you moving toward
• 7:05
  them, they begin moving towards you because you've reset the
• 7:11
  balance of power and given them the opportunity to chase you
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  good. And also, you finally give
• 7:20
  yourself space to heal. And this is something that many
• 7:23
  people don't consider. You can't heal and chase at the
• 7:28
  same time. It's either one or the other.
• 7:32
  So when you stop chasing, all the energy that was going
• 7:36
  towards monitoring, analyzing, and worrying about them can
• 7:42
  finally be redirected back to you.
• 7:45
  And that's when clarity starts to return.
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  That's when you feel more grounded.
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  And that's when you're able to show up differently.
• 7:53
  Whether you guys get back together or not.
• 7:58
  So not chasing your ex isn't about playing games or trying to
• 8:03
  manipulate an outcome. It's about emotional regulation,
• 8:07
  self respect, and giving the situation room to breathe.
• 8:13
  And strangely enough, that's what actually gives you the best
• 8:17
  chance of not messing things up and of creating a completely
• 8:21
  different dynamic going forward. OK, so now I want to hear from
• 8:27
  you. How long have you been in No
• 8:29
  Contact and how is it going? Please comment below and be sure
• 8:33
  to subscribe so you don't miss out on future episodes.
• 8:37
  And finally, remember, love inspires, empowers, uplifts and
• 8:41
  enlightens.