Latest / Inside The Consulting Room - Understanding the Child Behind the Behaviour / Leaving The One Way Street. Episode 5, When Relationships Organise Around Deception

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Leaving The One Way Street. Episode 5, When Relationships Organise Around Deception · Inside The Consulting Room - Understanding the Child Behind the Behaviour

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_00: Hello and welcome back.
• 0:01
  SPEAKER_00: This is Kim Lee from the Children's Consultancy, and this is episode four in the series Leaving the One Way Street.
• 0:11
  SPEAKER_00: And in this episode I want to look at what happens when relationships become organized around deception.
• 0:22
  SPEAKER_00: So what happens when deception, envy, and ingratitude appear together?
• 0:31
  SPEAKER_00: Something damaging and profound begins to happen to the relationship itself.
• 0:39
  SPEAKER_00: When we combine the dynamics of deception, we see destabilizing reality.
• 0:46
  SPEAKER_00: We see that envy attacks goodness.
• 0:50
  SPEAKER_00: In gratitude erases generosity, and together they create an environment that becomes emotionally corrosive, albeit maybe just for the one person.
• 1:04
  SPEAKER_00: The relationship stops being organized around connection, it becomes organized around survival.
• 1:13
  SPEAKER_00: But there is a psychological turning point from which eventually clarity will emerge, and it's often not through confrontation, but it's through recognition.
• 1:28
  SPEAKER_00: And once that happens, the confusion disappears because the pattern becomes visible.
• 1:36
  SPEAKER_00: And this is important because sometimes that isn't so clear until there is some distance.
• 1:45
  SPEAKER_00: I'm reminded very often, working with women who are recovering from abusive relationships and seeing how when they're in the relationship, they're so disorientated and their psychological reality has been reframed so many times, they can't see what everyone else can.
• 2:10
  SPEAKER_00: Give that same same person some time and some distance, and all of the parts of the picture come together, and the picture isn't particularly pleasant, but with that recognition comes a quiet but powerful understanding, and that is that the relationship just can't sustain truth, it can't work on a collaborative, equal basis because one person is essentially pulling the strings.
• 2:46
  SPEAKER_00: So there is a moment that comes to many people who've lived inside relationships shaped by deception, and it's almost like waking up from a long and confusing dream, and the contradiction suddenly formed the pattern I referred to, and the confusion dissolves, and then something quite often unexpected emerges, and it's clarity, and that clarity is really important because it's a form of undeniable truth.
• 3:24
  SPEAKER_00: Another undeniable truth is that not every relationship can sustain truthfulness, not every person can tolerate goodness, and not every act of generosity will be met with gratitude or even recognition.
• 3:42
  SPEAKER_00: When that's realized, it's not a sign of defeat.
• 3:49
  SPEAKER_00: In fact, the reverse is true.
• 3:51
  SPEAKER_00: It's a psychological awakening.
• 3:54
  SPEAKER_00: Because when reality finally becomes clear, a person can begin the most important task of all, and that is returning to themselves.
• 4:08
  SPEAKER_00: And oddly enough, what tends to happen is that when this clarity, this understanding, this realization come together, it frees the person to return to who they were and who they can be.
• 4:27
  SPEAKER_00: They find that they are less preoccupied with the needs of the others.
• 4:32
  SPEAKER_00: And I've heard people say, actually, I don't care anymore.
• 4:37
  SPEAKER_00: That person doesn't matter.
• 4:39
  SPEAKER_00: And they don't matter because I didn't.
• 4:45
  SPEAKER_00: And why would I want to be caring about someone who treats me in that way?
• 4:50
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm reminded of that phrase, now they're just somebody that I used to know.
• 4:56
  SPEAKER_00: So the hope that comes from this is considerable.
• 5:03
  SPEAKER_00: It just means you have to go through a certain series of unpleasant stages before you get there, but you will get there.
• 5:12
  SPEAKER_00: So when truth becomes distorted, the mind eventually has to choose.
• 5:19
  SPEAKER_00: And it's between illusion and reality.
• 5:23
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes we maintain illusion because we can't bear the prospect of reality.
• 5:32
  SPEAKER_00: But when we confront the reality, when we accept it is real, that we haven't failed, then we can't make that reality an unreality.
• 5:46
  SPEAKER_00: And it's from that point that we move forward.
• 5:51
  SPEAKER_00: In episode five, we're going to be looking at leaving the psychological labyrinth, how to walk away, how to completely disconnect.
• 6:05
  SPEAKER_00: Thank you for listening.