Latest / The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten / Masturbation: The Junk Food Of Married Sex

Transcript

Masturbation: The Junk Food Of Married Sex · The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten

• 0:05
  Hi everybody, and welcome to the doctor.
• 0:07
  Psych mom, show today, I'm going to talk about a topic that I
• 0:12
  have written about before which is masturbation and specifically
• 0:17
  that if your sex life isn't great.
• 0:19
  Masturbation may be doing more harm than good and by may be
• 0:23
  doing more harm than good. I mean it's ruining things
• 0:28
  that's enough. So I was hyperbole lysing when I
• 0:32
  said that in the title, Masturbation is the junk food of
• 0:37
  your relationship because it's like, it's not even food, it's
• 0:43
  just like, it's bad. It's not even junk food.
• 0:46
  Like, it doesn't do anything for your relationship.
• 0:48
  It's really kind of the junk food of just like, you chilling
• 0:52
  and like, relaxing yourself, which you don't really need to
• 0:56
  put in the realm of sex. So, I will expand on all of
• 1:00
  this. But first, please subscribe, if
• 1:03
  you have not yet subscribed as It's like I think it's four or
• 1:07
  five ninety-nine a month for unlimited access to all of my
• 1:12
  podcast. So that's like, probably like
• 1:15
  less than a tenth of what you pay for one session with me.
• 1:18
  So it's pretty good deal to get all of this content and to be
• 1:22
  able to request a topic that you want whenever you want it.
• 1:25
  So if we're going to talk about masturbation, now let me tell
• 1:28
  you the two types of ways that I most commonly see masturbation
• 1:32
  hurting relationships. So first of all, If your
• 1:35
  relationship is awesome and you're like screwing like
• 1:38
  rabbits like all the time, you can't get enough of each other.
• 1:41
  Then you're obviously not listening to this podcast.
• 1:43
  So go listen to another podcast because you are newly in love
• 1:46
  you met this person like probably one day to 18 months
• 1:51
  ago but closer to the one day and you don't need this podcast
• 1:56
  but you probably do need it to know what it's going to be like
• 1:58
  later on. So actually do keep listening
• 2:01
  but here's if your sex life is anything, Less than perfectly
• 2:06
  Stellar. Awesome, super good.
• 2:08
  Both of you were so excited all the time about it.
• 2:11
  Then why are you masturbating? So you have a finite amount of
• 2:16
  energy. So here's how it comes in, men
• 2:19
  is they jerk off to porn and then they lose their really
• 2:23
  drive and interest in and motivation and making it work
• 2:30
  with the woman because why they might as well just jack off.
• 2:33
  It's easier. I'll expand on that.
• 2:35
  With women. The issue is that they just get
• 2:38
  addicted to the vibrator because the vibrator can, it's like a
• 2:40
  sex robot it can do. What men can do.
• 2:43
  So sometimes they do this cute little way of, like, involving
• 2:46
  the man. Like they have they use the mat.
• 2:48
  They use a vibrator, but like, he's allowed to be there.
• 2:51
  Maybe he's even having sex with her, right.
• 2:53
  But he's not doing shit, you know?
• 2:55
  He's not like, could you imagine women that do this, could you
• 2:59
  imagine if your husband bought, one of those devices designed to
• 3:02
  stimulate a vagina? I forget what.
• 3:05
  These things are called like a pleasure pussy or something,
• 3:08
  right? And so he buys this thing is
• 3:09
  like this is going to be hot. You you stroke my chest and tell
• 3:14
  me I'm handsome and I am going to screw this plastic thing that
• 3:18
  looks like a tube. You would be like fuck you know
• 3:22
  you will probably leave the room if not the marriage.
• 3:25
  So how stupid then is it that women think that men should be
• 3:29
  very excited to involve the vibrator, right?
• 3:31
  It's so ridiculous. They're not actually doing They
• 3:35
  in fact it's more patronizing than anything because the woman
• 3:39
  is saying okay you could fuck me but like you don't actually
• 3:43
  matter what matters is the vibrator.
• 3:45
  So there's zero chance of me having an orgasm.
• 3:48
  From you, note that I did not say from sex with you because
• 3:51
  many women cannot come from intercourse alone.
• 3:53
  But there you basically do nothing.
• 3:55
  Your maybe I'm involving you to be nice and really, the power
• 3:59
  comes from this thing in my drawer.
• 4:01
  So either of these two common issues the man, Who is addicted
• 4:06
  to porn? It takes very little to get
• 4:08
  addicted by the way. So unless you use porn like
• 4:12
  every, you know, three weeks at you, look at some porn.
• 4:16
  If you're in that situation, you still shouldn't be doing it if
• 4:20
  your sex life isn't great. But all right, you know.
• 4:23
  But the problem is that most men are not in that situation.
• 4:26
  Most men, they can no longer masturbate without porn.
• 4:29
  They look upon all the time and they masturbate all the time.
• 4:32
  Probably every, once a day, every other day, And so, what
• 4:36
  does that do? When you look at porn, you're
• 4:38
  looking at extremely hot, women doing anything that you want at
• 4:42
  all in the world and it's so easy.
• 4:45
  Some of them are looking at you. At the way the camera work is,
• 4:48
  it's like, you feel like you're having sex with multiple hot
• 4:51
  women. So why then a, would you want to
• 4:56
  go? Try to have sex with an actual
• 4:59
  woman, your wife who is definitely she's not going to be
• 5:03
  that hot probably cause you've been married to her for.
• 5:05
  A long bunch of years and she's not doing every single thing.
• 5:09
  You want exactly how you want it and saying everything, how you
• 5:12
  want? So while older men usually don't
• 5:17
  have this issue unless they're addicted to porn.
• 5:19
  Younger men, research shows actually are choosing porn over
• 5:23
  sex. Like people are having sex and
• 5:26
  decreased rates in the younger generation of young adult men
• 5:30
  because it's so hard to think about going out finding a woman
• 5:34
  talking to her. Figuring out, you know, how to
• 5:36
  get her in bed, how to, you know, make her happy once she's
• 5:40
  in your bed dealing with talking to her afterwards.
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  They'd rather have porn. So to that generation porn is
• 5:46
  really terrible, but with the people that I work with, who are
• 5:49
  married for years, it's not great either.
• 5:51
  Because if you can have this simulated, basically a virtual
• 5:56
  reality experience, nowadays with the level of depth and
• 6:01
  variety that you can find, then it really detract your in from
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  having, what would usually without porn have been an
• 6:08
  exciting experience with your wife but now seems like had to a
• 6:12
  lot of work and it's not even going to be that interesting,
• 6:15
  right? So if you have an option of this
• 6:17
  like super interesting exciting virtual experience, then many
• 6:22
  men pick that also, many men gets so used to jerking off
• 6:26
  that. The woman's vagina doesn't even
• 6:28
  like do anything, because they masturbate in this very
• 6:31
  particular way. So then they're basically being
• 6:34
  like, what a Is for women for themselves.
• 6:37
  They are masturbating this very particular way, a man has a
• 6:39
  strong grip stronger than a woman's vagina, you know, and
• 6:43
  he's going to do whatever he does.
• 6:45
  And whatever Pace he does it with whatever technique he has.
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  And then frequently sex is not actually going to feel as good.
• 6:52
  So even the masturbation with no porn, that's not helping
• 6:55
  anything. Because you get used to it and
• 6:58
  anything that you're used to, that is not your spouse, is not
• 7:02
  going to help you work on a sex life with your spouse.
• 7:04
  You want to be used having sex with your spouse and for the
• 7:07
  women that masturbate I've already said, how kind of
• 7:11
  demeaning it is to involve the vibrator unless it's just like a
• 7:14
  fun treat, if it's a fun treat and we want to see basically
• 7:18
  your wife have sex with of robot which is pretty much what it is
• 7:22
  cool but if it's every time you needed to get off then you got
• 7:27
  to ask yourself, why can't your husband gets you off now
• 7:30
  frequently? This is because the woman has
• 7:32
  never told him how and sometimes Because she started masturbating
• 7:36
  with a vibrator when she was so young, that she cannot or she
• 7:40
  thinks she cannot come without the vibrator.
• 7:43
  Because again, the vibrator does things.
• 7:45
  A man cannot. Do you see some of these things
• 7:48
  that are advertised to me on Instagram?
• 7:49
  They look like are no, no, don't even know what a huge penis
• 7:53
  combined with, with something for like other stimulation.
• 7:57
  It's like nuts. It's this whole like
• 8:00
  multi-varied device but anyhow, so if the woman Is that she
• 8:05
  cannot have an orgasm without it, then she won't even teach
• 8:08
  the guy how to do it or if it just kind of you know, if it
• 8:13
  takes too long and she gets anxious, she doesn't really know
• 8:16
  how to tell him to do anything different.
• 8:18
  Then it becomes easy, a lazy easy way to have an orgasm.
• 8:22
  Now for women that are masturbating with a vibrator
• 8:25
  alone, this is worse than anything because the guy wants
• 8:29
  to be having sex with you, you have a finite amount of energy,
• 8:32
  right? Finite amount of Sexual Energy.
• 8:35
  A woman in a monogamous relationship.
• 8:38
  You numbers close to zero. So let's say you got like a .5
• 8:41
  of sexual energy. Can you imagine using this for
• 8:45
  yourself all the time? Let me give you an analogy for
• 8:49
  women. Let's say that you wanted your
• 8:51
  husband to be home for family dinner, right?
• 8:54
  So, this is a big one. You sake.
• 8:56
  I really think support for our family.
• 8:58
  Our kids are young. We only have them young for so
• 9:01
  long. I really want this experience of
• 9:03
  us all eating dinner together Sir, as a family, your husband
• 9:06
  says. All right, I don't really see
• 9:08
  the point but, you know, fine, I'll do it.
• 9:10
  Right. And then you find out that this
• 9:13
  fool, he's been driving to McDonald's after work everyday
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  shoving down a cheeseburger, and then coming home for dinner.
• 9:21
  And then, of course, he's gonna drag his feet are gonna watch
• 9:24
  some TVs. Get a check his phone because
• 9:26
  he's not hungry, he's not hungry.
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  So he is not going to be motivated to be engaged at
• 9:32
  family dinner, because he's not hungry.
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  He Don't want to even sit at the table.
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  He doesn't want to look at the food.
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  He has already had a cheeseburger from McDonald's.
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  So that is my junk food analogy. So if he's having this shitty
• 9:47
  whopper or whatever, then why would he want to come and eat
• 9:51
  your nice home-cooked food and engage in an enthusiastic way?
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  That a person only would at dinner if they were hungry for
• 9:58
  dinner because otherwise they're going to make excuses not to be
• 10:01
  at the table because they are full.
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  Now, the junk food analogies He holds because he's probably
• 10:07
  going to be hungry later because he didn't really have a good
• 10:09
  meal, so, similar to the port. But what's he gonna want?
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  He's got addicted to the Whoppers.
• 10:15
  So he's gonna want another junk or another whopper, or he's
• 10:18
  gonna get into the habit, of always having a Whoppers,
• 10:21
  they're easier. He does really have to engage
• 10:23
  and have to talk to anybody at the table and it's so easy to
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  do, it would be even more of a good analogy.
• 10:30
  If he was the one who then had to come home and make all of the
• 10:32
  food it, why wouldn't he just want to go do?
• 10:35
  Just go to McDonald's, right? So this is what it is to
• 10:39
  masturbate when you're trying to reserve your energy and
• 10:43
  enthusiasm and motivation for your sex life with a partner,
• 10:46
  you are like going and sneaking off to the side and have a junk
• 10:49
  food. And then you're not going to be
• 10:52
  excited for the meal. The meal is more effort but it's
• 10:57
  worthwhile actually fills you up.
• 10:59
  It's actually healthy but you're all filled up with the junk.
• 11:02
  So if you are somebody who is masturbating, when you only have
• 11:10
  a finite amount of energy, which is everybody, everybody in
• 11:13
  monogamy, only has a finite amount of energy.
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  If you have kids, your energy is down by like, 90% from what it
• 11:19
  was before kids. So when you would do this, so,
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  let's say that you're a woman and you say, I thought that it
• 11:25
  was good though. I've been reading all these
• 11:27
  years in Cosmo and whatever else I love.
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  Cosmo used to read Cosmo all the time.
• 11:32
  I don't read anything now because I don't have any time I
• 11:34
  just Read every book, they don't read Cosmo but Cosmos great.
• 11:39
  It's great actually for men to read Cosmo because then they see
• 11:42
  what the sex tips are that. They give women for men.
• 11:46
  It could be pretty eye-opening. If you've only been reading it
• 11:48
  from one side, but anyhow, you say, but I've been reading
• 11:51
  everywhere that women have to masturbate in order to discover
• 11:55
  their body and they could have independent sexual pleasure.
• 12:00
  Yo, that is great if you're 27 year old single girl and you've
• 12:03
  never masturbated, right? Cool figure it all out, you
• 12:07
  know, get really independent about your sexual pleasure,
• 12:11
  however, then you're married. You've already figured out how
• 12:15
  to masturbate, right? If oh.
• 12:18
  And by the way, everything that I'm saying here, if you're
• 12:20
  somebody who has never masturbated and you're extremely
• 12:23
  averse to sexual pleasure because of either abuse a super
• 12:26
  religious upbringing, whatever. Then sure figure out how to
• 12:30
  masturbate. I'm talking about, the people
• 12:32
  that are experts, they already know how to So that hard to
• 12:35
  figure out how to masturbate with a vibrator that thing could
• 12:38
  make a dead person. Come usually, so figure it out.
• 12:42
  But a try to figure it out without a vibrator because the
• 12:45
  vibrator again is not going to be anything.
• 12:47
  You could teach a partner to do to try to figure it out
• 12:49
  yourself, but if not if it's just you and you're single and
• 12:54
  you're figuring yourself out with the goal of eventually,
• 12:57
  you're going to be in a relationship if you want one.
• 12:59
  And then you could teach somebody how to do what you are
• 13:01
  learning. That's cool.
• 13:03
  That is not my intended audience.
• 13:04
  So This episode, my intended audience is a people that are in
• 13:08
  a relationship with somebody who wants to work more on the sex
• 13:12
  life and instead, they are diverting their limited energy
• 13:16
  by using a vibrator, or by jerking off to porn.
• 13:19
  So, either way, you are not involving the person, you're not
• 13:25
  teaching them, how to do what you want.
• 13:28
  You're just kind of going off on your own and I'm doing it
• 13:33
  yourself. Which then takes Way energy and
• 13:36
  enthusiasm from working together.
• 13:38
  So, if you're a woman that feels like every time you masturbate,
• 13:42
  it's like, you know, Rara independent woman, that's great,
• 13:46
  but you're not an independent woman, you're in a relationship.
• 13:49
  So within the relationship if you are, the kind of woman that
• 13:53
  could, you know, masturbate while he's at work and then it
• 13:56
  makes you raring to go when he gets home, cool.
• 14:00
  Like, tell me, you know, sell me some of what you're smoking too,
• 14:04
  but if you Or the average woman, if you masturbate in the
• 14:07
  afternoon, she ain't ready to go when he gets home.
• 14:10
  Like, no way. You've already had your orgasm
• 14:13
  for the day, you're done. So and also frequently people do
• 14:18
  not even tell the spouse when they masturbate.
• 14:20
  So then there's like no point at all and it becomes wrapped in
• 14:23
  shame, secrecy and privacy. So if you are, you know, it
• 14:28
  really excited. It's around.
• 14:29
  Ovulation time, you've been listening to my podcast?
• 14:31
  Your marriage is closer and more connected.
• 14:34
  You would like to Masturbate as a woman in the afternoon with
• 14:37
  your vibrator which you already know what I think about but you
• 14:40
  want to do that and you text your husband, you tell him I
• 14:44
  masturbated this afternoon and I can't wait till you get home for
• 14:47
  round two and then you actually follow through awesome.
• 14:51
  Then you are a rock star. You are a very high sex drive
• 14:55
  woman and your husband should give you, you know, whatever it
• 14:58
  is that you want all the time. But if you are the average woman
• 15:02
  when you can't, you know, relax Ax or something and he's not
• 15:07
  around. Then you are going to masturbate
• 15:09
  with your vibrator that you feel more relaxed.
• 15:11
  Okay. Well great, you know but being
• 15:13
  relaxed is not that end all of the world that isn't our main
• 15:16
  reason to be on the planet. But sure you're more relaxed and
• 15:19
  then you don't want sex because you're already basically had sex
• 15:24
  with your robot husband, the vibrator, and if you are a man
• 15:28
  that can masturbate frequently every day and also All be super
• 15:37
  into your wife and ready to go for Round 2 whenever she wants
• 15:40
  it. Fine.
• 15:42
  But more of you think you're in that category, then really are
• 15:46
  because of male pride. What would really happen if you
• 15:50
  stop masturbating men is you would start to see that if she
• 15:55
  is really the only game in town, you ramp up your wooing, you
• 16:01
  ramp up your courtship because if you're not letting yourself
• 16:04
  masturbate, Then you got to be really awesome.
• 16:06
  Like you were when you were dating in order to get laid at
• 16:10
  all and this can give you renewed Vigor and excitement,
• 16:14
  you know, to, you know, get her in bed which women want to be
• 16:18
  pursued. This is like the number one
• 16:20
  thing I hear in my sessions is women want to be pursued.
• 16:24
  It's really hard to feel pursued by a guy that just jerked off.
• 16:28
  I mean, that guy, he's calm he's chillax, but like he is not
• 16:32
  really trying, Hard to get you in bed unless he's like 22 and
• 16:38
  he can, you know, jerk off five times a day and be ready to go.
• 16:42
  But the men in their 40s that I work with many of whom is
• 16:45
  testosterone is lowering more than they think.
• 16:48
  If they have, if they masturbate at night, they are not the same
• 16:53
  way in the morning of the next day or even the following day as
• 16:57
  they would be if they hadn't ripped off in a week.
• 16:59
  If you haven't jerked off in a week, you're going to be a lot
• 17:02
  more focused on your wife. Suing her and her sexual
• 17:06
  pleasure. And if she stops with the
• 17:08
  vibrator, then maybe both of you can reserve, sexual, pleasure,
• 17:12
  and orgasm for the relationship, just like the family dinner
• 17:17
  analogy. So if you are both very hungry
• 17:19
  and you don't let yourself snack on junk or eat a Whopper before
• 17:23
  you get home, you are both going to be really invested and
• 17:26
  interested in family dinner and making it a great time where
• 17:31
  everybody's eating because everybody's hungry.
• 17:33
  Okay. So, I want you to do if you're
• 17:36
  listening to this and you have the courage to do this is to try
• 17:40
  a week of no masturbating for either person and then see if
• 17:44
  you are more excited and motivated to a be in bed
• 17:48
  together or be. If you're a woman to express
• 17:51
  what you actually want, and teach your husband, how to give
• 17:53
  you an orgasm. You know, you also have to like,
• 17:56
  like it's going to be like a little while where you any
• 18:00
  orgasm, your husband can give you manually or Italy, or
• 18:03
  anything isn't going to feel as good and It's easy as the
• 18:05
  vibrator. Well no shit.
• 18:07
  I mean you're you're probably not going to look as how does
• 18:09
  whatever he was looking at on porn.
• 18:11
  Either the people's brains acclimate and within a couple of
• 18:16
  weeks, your huh? Your husband giving you an
• 18:18
  orgasm, a will always feel more intimate obviously than vibrator
• 18:22
  and be like your body will you know go back to whatever
• 18:25
  Baseline was and same with the porn use you know, if you go off
• 18:30
  of porn, then you will also stop like seeing women as You know,
• 18:35
  just for sex. So if guys look at poor and
• 18:37
  everyday, it's kind of hard to see the Starbucks Barista and
• 18:42
  not picture her naked because you're always priming your brain
• 18:46
  with images of sex. If you stop doing that, some of
• 18:50
  that goes away and some of that is addictive and that you know
• 18:54
  you know individually. If you're somebody listening to
• 18:56
  this you you know if you've had a tickle in the back of your
• 18:59
  brain that you could be addictive with porn.
• 19:01
  Then you know what I'm talking about but even the The average
• 19:05
  guy, it's always better. If you're in a relationship to
• 19:09
  train your brain on your wife being hot, the to be looking at
• 19:12
  how naked woman's for real. Like this is the truth.
• 19:15
  If you guys want to look at porn together, then sometimes then
• 19:19
  that can be fun. As long as usually the woman
• 19:22
  picks what you're looking at because, you know, you don't
• 19:25
  want her to get kind of feel disillusioned than depressed but
• 19:30
  in general poor, and if you watch it together as a fun kinky
• 19:34
  thing, fine. If you are doing it in
• 19:37
  basically, any sexual activity, that's individual is not good if
• 19:41
  the sex life isn't good. Because then, what the hell are
• 19:44
  you doing? Look if you ask your husband to
• 19:46
  play more chess with your son, and then you found this
• 19:50
  motherfucker playing chess on his phone in a different room
• 19:53
  then saying he's too tired to play chess or he's playing chess
• 19:56
  with your son and he's like kind of bored, he's not in it, he's
• 19:59
  training himself on the people on the chest.com app that is
• 20:03
  much better than your son's. So of Of course, you know, we
• 20:06
  not go on play that much with your son, your son's kind of
• 20:09
  shit. He's a child but if your husband
• 20:11
  was focusing on that, he'd be a lot more into playing chess with
• 20:14
  your sock. So that's my other analogy if
• 20:17
  you didn't like, my McDonald's one.
• 20:19
  Alright, so I hope this was at least a different way.
• 20:23
  A re frame of thinking about masturbation within monogamy and
• 20:27
  I will talk to everybody soon. Please do subscribe.
• 20:30
  If you're enjoying my content,