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20 | Rebuilding Self-Trust After Manipulation & Abuse · The Messy Middle Podcast

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_00: Hello everyone, welcome back to the Messy Middle podcast.
• 0:04
  SPEAKER_00: This is your host, Erica Leon.
• 0:06
  SPEAKER_00: Today we are going to be talking about rebuilding self-trust.
• 0:11
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm going to talk to you about how to do that in small ways.
• 0:15
  SPEAKER_00: So let's get into it.
• 0:17
  SPEAKER_00: If you've had something like this happen to you where you've experienced manipulation, control, or abuse, self-trust is not something that you take for granted.
• 0:30
  SPEAKER_00: And you might not even know it's been effective, affected until the dust settles a little bit.
• 0:37
  SPEAKER_00: But when you leave or cut contact with it whoever it is in your situation or if you've been betrayed, you might be shocked that making quite basic choices after this can feel really and even debilitating at times.
• 0:55
  SPEAKER_00: It's not just that you don't trust them anymore, whether that's your partner, family, or whoever, but you find that you don't really trust yourself anymore.
• 1:04
  SPEAKER_00: And I think that's the part that messes with you.
• 1:08
  SPEAKER_00: You might replay decisions.
• 1:10
  SPEAKER_00: I know I did all the time.
• 1:12
  SPEAKER_00: You question your instincts.
• 1:14
  SPEAKER_00: You're kind of in freeze mode a lot.
• 1:16
  SPEAKER_00: So everything feels suspended.
• 1:19
  SPEAKER_00: And so it's really hard to discern what is your instinct, what does your gut feel?
• 1:24
  SPEAKER_00: And what way should you go, left or right?
• 1:27
  SPEAKER_00: You might think, how did I miss that?
• 1:30
  SPEAKER_00: You go down those thought spirals of how all of this happened, how the person you thought was one way ended up being the other way.
• 1:40
  SPEAKER_00: Essentially, where you trusted them with your safety, they ended up being dangerous.
• 1:45
  SPEAKER_00: And then you start replaying, like, why did I stay?
• 1:49
  SPEAKER_00: Why didn't I see it?
• 1:50
  SPEAKER_00: All those questions that insensitive people ask you out there in the world, they start to be in your own mind.
• 1:58
  SPEAKER_00: Why didn't I see it?
• 1:59
  SPEAKER_00: What's wrong with my judgment?
• 2:01
  SPEAKER_00: And then before you know it, every decision feels like it's high stakes when they're actually mostly just smaller decisions.
• 2:09
  SPEAKER_00: I can remember being completely frozen about everything from choosing what to wear or whether to text somebody back.
• 2:17
  SPEAKER_00: Or have you ever felt yourself doing an absolute thesis when an email could have just been a few lines?
• 2:25
  SPEAKER_00: But you get so worried that the thing you're going to send or to say is going to land on the recipient in a certain way that will either get you punished or you'll lose a connection from it.
• 2:39
  SPEAKER_00: It's essentially just, is it safe?
• 2:41
  SPEAKER_00: Everything can feel dangerous.
• 2:43
  SPEAKER_00: It's hard to know whether you're overreacting to something or whether you're being dramatic.
• 2:49
  SPEAKER_00: That's also a lot of words that people throw out there when you tell them about your experience in relationships.
• 2:57
  SPEAKER_00: You might not know whether a new person is safe that you meet or somebody in your legal process you can trust.
• 3:03
  SPEAKER_00: You might think you're just paranoid.
• 3:05
  SPEAKER_00: And everything, even the small things, feel loaded.
• 3:09
  SPEAKER_00: That shit is hard.
• 3:11
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm not sure that many people talk about that as a phase, as a stage, but it is.
• 3:17
  SPEAKER_00: And it's largely because when you've been gaslit or manipulated or controlled, your internal compass gets really scrambled.
• 3:25
  SPEAKER_00: And again, I know I say this in every episode.
• 3:28
  SPEAKER_00: I'm sorry, but kind of not sorry.
• 3:30
  SPEAKER_00: It's not because you're broken.
• 3:32
  SPEAKER_00: It is because you were trained to override it.
• 3:35
  SPEAKER_00: And this happens from quite early on until quite recently.
• 3:39
  SPEAKER_00: And your self-trust gets eroded.
• 3:42
  SPEAKER_00: But how?
• 3:44
  SPEAKER_00: It's not all in one go.
• 3:45
  SPEAKER_00: I can tell you that.
• 3:46
  SPEAKER_00: It does not disappear overnight.
• 3:49
  SPEAKER_00: It gets chipped away.
• 3:50
  SPEAKER_00: You say something feels off, you're told by whoever it is, maybe multiple people, that you're too sensitive.
• 3:59
  SPEAKER_00: You notice an inconsistency, and you're told that you're anxious.
• 4:04
  SPEAKER_00: You set a boundary and you're told that you're selfish.
• 4:08
  SPEAKER_00: You remember something clearly.
• 4:10
  SPEAKER_00: How many times has this happened to you?
• 4:12
  SPEAKER_00: You've had a conversation with someone that has got contentious and you remember it so clearly, but you're told that never happened.
• 4:20
  SPEAKER_00: It didn't go down like that.
• 4:21
  SPEAKER_00: And over time, that loudest voice in your head is not yours.
• 4:26
  SPEAKER_00: It's theirs.
• 4:27
  SPEAKER_00: It would not have occurred to me that that would have been what was happening all along.
• 4:32
  SPEAKER_00: I assume the voice in my head is mine, right?
• 4:34
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm always talking about the inner critic because it was a revelation to me that that is not your voice.
• 4:39
  SPEAKER_00: It is a revelation, and I'll never get over it.
• 4:43
  SPEAKER_00: I'll never stop telling people about it.
• 4:46
  SPEAKER_00: It's hard to swallow, but after enough time, you do not even realize that it's their voice.
• 4:53
  SPEAKER_00: It sounds like you, but it's not.
• 4:56
  SPEAKER_00: It's your earliest critics, it's your abuser, it's every minimizing comment you've had from parents to school to work to everything.
• 5:05
  SPEAKER_00: It's every moment you were told you were too much, too sensitive to anything.
• 5:10
  SPEAKER_00: And now when you think maybe I'm overreacting, or maybe this or maybe that, that is not your intuition.
• 5:18
  SPEAKER_00: I know it really sounds like it and it's almost masquerading as it, but it's just programming.
• 5:24
  SPEAKER_00: So of course you don't trust yourself.
• 5:26
  SPEAKER_00: You've been filtering your reality through someone else's approval system for a really long time.
• 5:32
  SPEAKER_00: And that's exactly the way that high control or manipulative or abusive people want you.
• 5:38
  SPEAKER_00: That's exactly what they want.
• 5:41
  SPEAKER_00: Your reality is distorted into their reality.
• 5:45
  SPEAKER_00: What could be better to keep you controlled even when they're not around?
• 5:49
  SPEAKER_00: Is to input all of the software to keep you questioning yourself and not trusting yourself.
• 5:56
  SPEAKER_00: Makes it a hell of a lot easier for them to keep control with their intermittent reinforcement.
• 6:02
  SPEAKER_00: So you never know where you are.
• 6:04
  SPEAKER_00: And here's what I see a lot of women do next.
• 6:07
  SPEAKER_00: And I was one of those, so I'm not trying to shame here or say I'm any different or any better.
• 6:12
  SPEAKER_00: This whole thing is about me telling you as a regular person what happened to me as a regular person and what also happens to my clients who are regular people.
• 6:22
  SPEAKER_00: They try and rebuild self-trust by making these giant decisions, like big leaps.
• 6:27
  SPEAKER_00: And I know you have to make big decisions when you're in the thick of it and possibly getting divorced or cutting off your family or having child custody battles or whatever.
• 6:36
  SPEAKER_00: Of course, that's a given.
• 6:38
  SPEAKER_00: But in the personal life, it sometimes looks like them making big decisions there, like big reinventions of themselves or big declarations like I'm starting over, I'm never gonna have this again, I'm never gonna entertain this, I'm never compromising here, I'm moving, I'm leaving the country, I'm cutting everyone off, I'm becoming a whole new person, and I understand the times when that is necessary.
• 7:03
  SPEAKER_00: But self-trust isn't rebuilt in these dramatic, sweeping moments.
• 7:08
  SPEAKER_00: It's really more about the boring ones.
• 7:11
  SPEAKER_00: I really sound like this all the time, don't I?
• 7:13
  SPEAKER_00: Always talking about the small boring parts, but it is rebuilt in the daily, the tiny bits, the unsexy ones, the repetitive way that you make a habit.
• 7:27
  SPEAKER_00: And if you want to rebuild your self-trust, you don't start with dating.
• 7:32
  SPEAKER_00: You don't start with a career overhaul, you start with small things because the micro decisions are the medicine here.
• 7:40
  SPEAKER_00: You start with things like what do I want for lunch?
• 7:42
  SPEAKER_00: And you answer that honestly.
• 7:45
  SPEAKER_00: Like practice all the things that I keep telling you to really sit still with yourself, to breathe, to bring your shoulders down from your ears, to really connect with every part of you, whether that's a body scan or whatever.
• 7:59
  SPEAKER_00: Now answer these questions through those filters.
• 8:02
  SPEAKER_00: Answer honestly what you want for lunch.
• 8:04
  SPEAKER_00: Not what's healthy, not what looks good, not what someone else prefers, but what do I want?
• 8:12
  SPEAKER_00: Start with, do I actually want to go to this thing tonight?
• 8:16
  SPEAKER_00: Not should I go?
• 8:17
  SPEAKER_00: Will they be mad if I don't?
• 8:19
  SPEAKER_00: Will I look flaky?
• 8:21
  SPEAKER_00: Am I gonna lose friends enough over this?
• 8:22
  SPEAKER_00: And then this will just tip them over the edge.
• 8:25
  SPEAKER_00: Start with, do I actually want to go?
• 8:28
  SPEAKER_00: You can just start there.
• 8:30
  SPEAKER_00: Do I want to?
• 8:31
  SPEAKER_00: And then start noticing, does my body tighten around this person?
• 8:35
  SPEAKER_00: Do I feel relaxed here?
• 8:37
  SPEAKER_00: Do I feel small?
• 8:38
  SPEAKER_00: Do I feel expansive?
• 8:40
  SPEAKER_00: And instead of arguing with all the data that your body is giving you, just log it.
• 8:45
  SPEAKER_00: That's it.
• 8:46
  SPEAKER_00: You I'm not even asking you to be acting on it right now.
• 8:50
  SPEAKER_00: Just start respecting the signal.
• 8:52
  SPEAKER_00: That's all.
• 8:53
  SPEAKER_00: It's mainly like shining a light on it, like I'm always saying, first step is that awareness and getting to understand the fluidity or what signals your body gives you and what they mean.
• 9:05
  SPEAKER_00: It's almost like you have to decode it, especially if you've been in a situation for a really long time where what you've wanted or needed is the last thing on everybody's list.
• 9:14
  SPEAKER_00: And one of my favorite ways to rebuild this self-trust is to follow low stakes impulses.
• 9:19
  SPEAKER_00: So take a different route home, which I know I've mentioned before.
• 9:22
  SPEAKER_00: Sorry, I did tell you I was boring.
• 9:24
  SPEAKER_00: Or ordering something new when you go somewhere where you usually have the same thing.
• 9:28
  SPEAKER_00: Sit somewhere different than you normally would.
• 9:31
  SPEAKER_00: Say no to something minor, which isn't going to send you into a full-blown panic.
• 9:36
  SPEAKER_00: Or say yes to something random that might be a little bit out of character, safely, of course.
• 9:43
  SPEAKER_00: And then watch what happens in your body.
• 9:46
  SPEAKER_00: Observe.
• 9:47
  SPEAKER_00: Does anxiety spike?
• 9:48
  SPEAKER_00: Does guilt show up?
• 9:50
  SPEAKER_00: Does your inner critic get really loud and obnoxious?
• 9:54
  SPEAKER_00: Good.
• 9:55
  SPEAKER_00: If it does good.
• 9:57
  SPEAKER_00: Now you're seeing that conditioning.
• 9:59
  SPEAKER_00: This is the information we need.
• 10:00
  SPEAKER_00: Because self-trust is built by proving to your nervous system that you can survive your own choices, even small ones, in fact, especially small ones.
• 10:10
  SPEAKER_00: It may seem inconsequential, but this is really important work to do.
• 10:14
  SPEAKER_00: It's all part of relearning, reconnecting, and eventually reloving all of you, all of the you's that exist, and forgiving them and having grace for them.
• 10:23
  SPEAKER_00: You know I'm not one for forgive the abuser.
• 10:26
  SPEAKER_00: Fuck that.
• 10:27
  SPEAKER_00: I'm just talking about forgiving yourself, loving yourself, connecting intimately with yourself so you know what you really want.
• 10:35
  SPEAKER_00: You know what lights you up, you know what makes you happy.
• 10:38
  SPEAKER_00: In all this time you've been suppressed, little by little, you will bloom like a little crocus in the spring, and you'll just keep getting bigger and brighter and more amazing.
• 10:52
  SPEAKER_00: And if you've been in prolonged stress, I want to say here categorically, it is likely you might be in freeze response more than you realize.
• 11:00
  SPEAKER_00: And again, freeze doesn't look dramatic either.
• 11:03
  SPEAKER_00: It just appears in our lives like indecision or procrastination or numbness, you know, the overthinking, thought spirals, the scrolling in your phone, second guessing everything.
• 11:17
  SPEAKER_00: And when you're in freeze, even choosing something like a coffee can feel overwhelming.
• 11:22
  SPEAKER_00: So rebuilding trust might start even smaller if you're aware that you're in a freeze response.
• 11:29
  SPEAKER_00: That might be something really inconsequential again.
• 11:32
  SPEAKER_00: What color shirt do I want to wear today?
• 11:34
  SPEAKER_00: What side of the bed feels better?
• 11:37
  SPEAKER_00: Do I want, I don't know, quiet music or louder?
• 11:42
  SPEAKER_00: What kind of music do I want now?
• 11:44
  SPEAKER_00: Really feeling into it, maybe putting a few options on and then gauging what your body does with that information, testing all the time.
• 11:53
  SPEAKER_00: And then you bring choice back online very gently, not aggressively, and really not about these big bold moves while you have trauma responses because it's overwhelming and freeze thaws with safety gradually.
• 12:09
  SPEAKER_00: It's not going to free thaw with force.
• 12:13
  SPEAKER_00: And here's another thing I want you to start doing.
• 12:16
  SPEAKER_00: I don't want to overwhelm you.
• 12:17
  SPEAKER_00: So these are very minor things just to be subtly aware of is that when you have a critical thought, pause.
• 12:25
  SPEAKER_00: Ask whose voice is this?
• 12:27
  SPEAKER_00: Is this mine or is this my ex?
• 12:32
  SPEAKER_00: Is it my mom's?
• 12:34
  SPEAKER_00: Is it my church's voice?
• 12:36
  SPEAKER_00: Is it society's?
• 12:38
  SPEAKER_00: Is it patriarchy's?
• 12:40
  SPEAKER_00: Is it that teacher from years ago or that ex from longer ago?
• 12:46
  SPEAKER_00: When you start to pay attention to this and even to note it down in a notebook or your phone, you may end up realizing that a lot of your self-talk is inherited, that you were programmed to filter yourself through so many different filters, like will they approve?
• 13:02
  SPEAKER_00: Will he approve of this outfit?
• 13:04
  SPEAKER_00: Will this upset him?
• 13:05
  SPEAKER_00: Will this make me seem difficult or a bitch or ungrateful?
• 13:09
  SPEAKER_00: Or a baby or a spoilt brat?
• 13:11
  SPEAKER_00: Will this cost me connection?
• 13:13
  SPEAKER_00: And that filter takes time to remove.
• 13:15
  SPEAKER_00: I guarantee it took a long time to install because it's been going on for a while and it takes equal amounts of time to remove.
• 13:24
  SPEAKER_00: And awareness is the first crack.
• 13:27
  SPEAKER_00: And it only gets easier from there.
• 13:30
  SPEAKER_00: I promise you just build it.
• 13:32
  SPEAKER_00: Trust is actually built through integrity.
• 13:35
  SPEAKER_00: Self-trust is not built by being right, it is built gradually by being aligned.
• 13:41
  SPEAKER_00: If you say to yourself and make a promise to yourself that you're going to drink eight glasses of water, keep it.
• 13:47
  SPEAKER_00: That's why you need to start small.
• 13:49
  SPEAKER_00: Because your body So if you say you're gonna leave it eight, leave it eight.
• 13:53
  SPEAKER_00: If you say you're not available for something, don't overexplain.
• 13:57
  SPEAKER_00: Try not to cave, just honor that.
• 14:00
  SPEAKER_00: If you say that comment didn't sit right with you, and you tell someone, don't laugh it off just to keep the peace.
• 14:07
  SPEAKER_00: Tiny moments of integrity matter, and that is how you teach your body that you are worth protecting, that you have your own back.
• 14:15
  SPEAKER_00: Say it.
• 14:16
  SPEAKER_00: Say to yourself, I have my own back.
• 14:18
  SPEAKER_00: You're not going to be perfect, and no one's expecting you to do this perfectly either.
• 14:22
  SPEAKER_00: Just consistency.
• 14:24
  SPEAKER_00: Just show up for yourself consistently in very small ways.
• 14:28
  SPEAKER_00: And I want to warn you about something else, and that's the guilt wave.
• 14:31
  SPEAKER_00: When you start trusting yourself again, I promise you, your guilt will spike because you're withdrawing from that.
• 14:37
  SPEAKER_00: I suppose you could call it the approval economy, and that is very uncomfortable.
• 14:43
  SPEAKER_00: Your body will think it's a punishment, and you might start hearing, am I becoming selfish?
• 14:48
  SPEAKER_00: You might even hear that from people to you also.
• 14:52
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, you've changed.
• 14:52
  SPEAKER_00: You're not like you used to be, you're not nice anymore.
• 14:55
  SPEAKER_00: You might be wondering if you're cold now, if you're hard, if you're jaded.
• 15:00
  SPEAKER_00: And the answer is no, you're becoming self-referenced, and there's a really big difference.
• 15:05
  SPEAKER_00: You're yourself, you're finding out what you like, and sometimes you do have to drown out all the noise from outside in order to re-attach to yourself and who the fuck you are after all of this bullshit.
• 15:18
  SPEAKER_00: And you know, I love a simple practice, so here's something you can try this week.
• 15:22
  SPEAKER_00: So at the end of each day, write down one moment where you listen to yourself.
• 15:28
  SPEAKER_00: It doesn't have to be big.
• 15:29
  SPEAKER_00: Again, we're not looking for these grand overhauls that nobody can really stick to because they're in several trauma responses at once.
• 15:38
  SPEAKER_00: We're going for small and consistent here always.
• 15:41
  SPEAKER_00: So write down one moment where you listen to yourself and one moment where you overrode yourself.
• 15:48
  SPEAKER_00: No judgment, by the way.
• 15:50
  SPEAKER_00: We're just doing data here, data, as you say.
• 15:54
  SPEAKER_00: So then you're gonna ask yourself, what did my body feel like in each moment?
• 15:59
  SPEAKER_00: And that's it.
• 16:00
  SPEAKER_00: So you're going to recall one moment where you listened to yourself, and then how did your body feel?
• 16:05
  SPEAKER_00: And then one moment where you overrode yourself, and what did your body feel like?
• 16:09
  SPEAKER_00: And that is it.
• 16:10
  SPEAKER_00: That's my homework.
• 16:11
  SPEAKER_00: So you're then retraining your awareness because self-trust is not really mystical, actually.
• 16:18
  SPEAKER_00: It's pattern reinforcement.
• 16:20
  SPEAKER_00: So that's why we're just talking about small, consistent actions.
• 16:25
  SPEAKER_00: And the bigger picture here is I meet so many women that don't trust themselves.
• 16:31
  SPEAKER_00: It's taught to you when we're very young.
• 16:34
  SPEAKER_00: And there's a real reason for that.
• 16:36
  SPEAKER_00: When women don't trust themselves, they become easier to manipulate.
• 16:40
  SPEAKER_00: I'm sure you can attest to that.
• 16:42
  SPEAKER_00: Self-doubt is a lot more exploitable than being strong in your feet and in your convictions.
• 16:50
  SPEAKER_00: And self-trust is very stabilizing to you as a person to know who you are, to know the lines you will or won't cross.
• 16:59
  SPEAKER_00: And rebuilding it in small ways is actually radical.
• 17:02
  SPEAKER_00: It might not feel it because it's small and gradual, but once you trust your own perception, you do not need someone else to confirm your fucking reality.
• 17:11
  SPEAKER_00: And that right there is where your power lives.
• 17:13
  SPEAKER_00: And that sounds a bit like a sermon, I apologize.
• 17:16
  SPEAKER_00: But in closing, I want to tell you that you did not lose your intuition.
• 17:20
  SPEAKER_00: It just hasn't had a lot of time to be acknowledged when it pops its head up, and that's something you can retrain it to do.
• 17:27
  SPEAKER_00: You were just trained to ignore it your whole life.
• 17:30
  SPEAKER_00: You didn't become incapable, you just were conditioned.
• 17:35
  SPEAKER_00: And that's this whole rub, right?
• 17:38
  SPEAKER_00: It is putting everyone else in front of you, even to the degree where you doubt your own perception.
• 17:45
  SPEAKER_00: And everybody who's controlling, abusive, or manipulative benefits from that.
• 17:50
  SPEAKER_00: And they do want that.
• 17:52
  SPEAKER_00: And you don't rebuild self-trust with these grand gestures, you just rebuild it by maybe choosing your lunch differently and for the right reasons, or leaving on time, or drinking your water, or saying no to something that doesn't fill you with fuck yes, or following a tiny impulse and just logging your body's response.
• 18:12
  SPEAKER_00: See?
• 18:13
  SPEAKER_00: It's boring, right?
• 18:14
  SPEAKER_00: It's unsexy, it's small, and it is deeply, deeply powerful.
• 18:20
  SPEAKER_00: So my friends, start there.
• 18:22
  SPEAKER_00: No shame, no guilt.
• 18:24
  SPEAKER_00: Just start there.
• 18:25
  SPEAKER_00: Try it on and see what happens.
• 18:28
  SPEAKER_00: Be curious about your beautiful selves.
• 18:31
  SPEAKER_00: I'm sending you loads of love, and I will see you in the next one.
• 18:34
  SPEAKER_00: And as always, please do feel free to submit the form to ask me questions, and I will answer them in future episodes.
• 18:41
  SPEAKER_00: Love you all.