Latest / The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten / "Trust Your Gut".... Is This Good Advice Or Not?

Transcript

"Trust Your Gut".... Is This Good Advice Or Not? · The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten

• 0:06
  Hi everybody, and welcome to the dr.
• 0:08
  Psych mom show, today's topic was a Facebook group request and
• 0:12
  you should of course, join my Facebook group, which is
• 0:14
  separate from this podcast for Ninety-Nine a month.
• 0:17
  So that's even cheaper than this podcast subscription and you get
• 0:21
  to talk to lots of other people who like, to talk about things
• 0:24
  that I like to talk about. And lots of funny memes.
• 0:27
  People have good sense of humor, sharing about their
• 0:29
  relationships, Etc. Somebody on Facebook was saying
• 0:34
  that I Not this is, this is not a group that is ethical, because
• 0:39
  it costs money. So it just just in case you're a
• 0:44
  person who's against money and believes that money is
• 0:46
  unethical. Please don't join my Facebook
• 0:49
  group anyway. So today I'm going to be talking
• 0:54
  about trusting your gut and whether you can really trust
• 0:56
  your gut and with that's good advice or not and it is in one
• 1:01
  case but not in other cases. And I will tell you what I mean
• 1:05
  by that. Right.
• 1:05
  After I tell you to subscribe because most recently, my
• 1:09
  subscriber episode, I have almost 100.
• 1:11
  Now is about why if you're arrogant or condescending, your
• 1:15
  wife is just going to kind of turn off to you.
• 1:18
  And that's like her only subconscious defense, like
• 1:20
  Gandhi like this to go limp, you know, and not really want much
• 1:24
  to do with you. If you're always being an
• 1:26
  asshole or she thinks you're always being an asshole which
• 1:29
  really perception is reality there in most cases and The one
• 1:36
  coming up is about the benefits of having sex when you're not
• 1:39
  feeling close. Because so many people nowadays,
• 1:42
  think that the only time you're allowed to have sex is when
• 1:44
  you're just really feeling very emotionally connected and within
• 1:48
  an average marriage and an average stressed out day, that
• 1:50
  means y'all are never having sex probably.
• 1:53
  So there is a competing philosophy and I will discuss
• 1:57
  that in the next subscriber episode tomorrow and season
• 2:01
  three is going to come because I already did two seasons of this
• 2:03
  200 episodes each and Point more of my episodes will be
• 2:07
  subscriber, only, that pesky money thing.
• 2:10
  Again, if you're against money, then you still do have all of
• 2:14
  the free ones. But there will be a smaller
• 2:16
  ratio of those two, not free ones because of, you know,
• 2:21
  people are allowed to run businesses, despite what my
• 2:23
  Facebook fan thought, okay? So trusting your gut, so it's
• 2:30
  tough, right? Because there's this big popular
• 2:32
  media conception that you should just trust your gut.
• 2:35
  Well, I mean, how are you going to trust your gut if your gut
• 2:38
  was raised in a dysfunctional family, right?
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  I mean you were people are just a product of their training and
• 2:44
  if you were trained, for example by a parent who kind of was
• 2:48
  paranoid and was hated the world and was very angry toward people
• 2:54
  and kept telling you, every man is out for himself and don't
• 2:56
  trust anyone. Then later in life, your gut is
• 2:59
  going to tell you not to trust anyone.
• 3:01
  That's your gut. Your gut is just like the most
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  basic level. You were trained at that
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  happened, even before memory, you know, like people's
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  Expressions, people's tone, and then the, that ambient, sort of
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  things that were tossed around your house that you heard, you
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  know, like the, my always my bank analogy.
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  Like, if you had the parent who went to the bank and they were
• 3:21
  like, I asked them to exchange a 20, you know, and they said,
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  they didn't have smaller bills though.
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  I said, God damn it. Bring me to the manager, and I
• 3:31
  got my fives. Like, if you kept hearing
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  stories like that all the time, where Like the parent was this
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  Scrappy victim going up against Goliath, you know of like the
• 3:41
  fucking corner store. Then.
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  Yeah, you grow up. Your gut is going to tell you to
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  hate people and to assume that they're always out to get you
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  but that isn't true. So, all your gut really means
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  there is how you were wired by your upbringing.
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  And this can be retrained by introspection by, by Deep
• 4:00
  reflection and usually by therapy that can expedite those
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  things. Because no man An island a smart
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  as you are and as much of an autodidact as you are.
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  So what is though? The way in, which I think you
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  should always trust your gut physical attraction.
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  If you are not physically attracted to somebody and your
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  gut tells you that you do not have an attraction toward them.
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  And in fact, you are like, not even really neutral.
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  You are just not attracted to them, then you should not be in
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  that relationship. Because a lot of people think
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  that that can grow and I've not really seen it grow.
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  So that's just the truth. With the only time where I've
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  seen it grow, is when women feel like neutral about a guy when
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  they first meet him and then eventually they grow to find him
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  attractive and hot, and they don't have to think he's hot.
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  You don't have to think your husband is hot by the way, like
• 4:49
  to marry him. You know, it that's a bonus when
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  you do, that's great for situations.
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  Those of us who think their husbands are hot, but you don't
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  have to think they're high. You just have to think they're
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  like fine. You know, like like many women
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  that I work with that have sex with guys.
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  They don't think of is the hottest guys in the world, and
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  it's fine. It's like totally fine and, but
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  men, it's good for the man to think the woman is hot.
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  The woman just can't think the guy is gross.
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  If the guy, if she thinks the guys gross at first, then that's
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  never going to get different like that.
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  She had an active turn off, there was like a physiological
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  pheromonal, you know, disconnect there between her and this guy.
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  And it's never going to go into something where she wants to
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  sleep with him regularly. She may force herself to in the
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  honeymoon stage. If He's like a really nice guy
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  and she wants to make things work, but if you really do not
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  find the guy to be attractive at all and he's in fact,
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  unattractive to you, then you should not marry this man.
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  No matter what, I don't care how much money he has, I don't care,
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  you know, what a great guy he is because you're not doing an
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  ethical thing because he deserves, if he's such a great
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  guy to be with somebody who is attracted to him, and men need
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  to be really attracted to their wives for things to work and I
• 6:02
  have discussed that in my podcast.
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  Entitled and I think men need to think their wives are really hot
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  for things to work. I mean, you know, you can always
• 6:12
  search those. By the way, a lot of people
• 6:13
  message me asking for specific podcast, you can always just go
• 6:17
  into Spotify, search bar type in the doctor psych mom, show and
• 6:20
  like men need or something, and then it'll probably pop right up
• 6:25
  anyhow. So but let's go back to trusting
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  your gut and intimate relationship.
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  So I have a lot of stuff about women who get men who don't
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  treat them well. Well and women who don't even
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  understand that men could be people who treat women well like
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  in their family of origin. Their father didn't treat their
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  mother well at all and then their mother said this is just
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  how men are. So then they end up thinking
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  that men are just, you know, kind of these guys and your they
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  drank or their video game attics or something that removes them
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  from being emotionally or physically present, they are
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  selfish. They don't care about your
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  experience in bed. And so given that those kind of,
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  you know, those confines, they just try to As best as they can,
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  you know, they just try to pick the cutest one out of all the
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  assholes or something and so they are trusting their gut,
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  their gut tells them be attracted to this guy.
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  He's great but they're God only knows one thing, which is that
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  all guys suck and that is because that is what they were
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  told Growing Up. So a woman like that, her gut is
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  going to tell her that she's in love with this guy who treats
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  her like shit and all. That means your God is your
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  Imago you're drawn to. On to what is familiar to you.
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  You're drawn to somebody who's like one of your caregivers and
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  then you fantasize about changing that person in ways,
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  you could never change your caregiver.
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  So the woman with the father who was a drinker or who is
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  emotionally or physically, abusive is drawn to an asshole,
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  maybe not as ads, flagrant one. But she's drawn to him on
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  familiar gut level and then the fantasy.
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  The subconscious fantasy is to change him into somebody that is
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  loving and attentive in ways that she could not change her
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  father to be loving and attentive towards her mother, or
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  So she's listening to her gut but her guts telling her wrong,
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  you know. It's like when people say your
• 8:11
  picker is broke it, you know you can't pick because you were
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  raised to think things and to be drawn to people that are not
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  healthy. Can this be fixed?
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  Yes, this is a lot of what we work on in therapy, you know,
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  both therapy coaching, anything like that, where you're kind of
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  exploring your subconscious biases about the world and
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  thinking about how how they were just trained it For you to think
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  like that. You know, a lot of women think
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  that all men are emotionally avoided and they're really
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  astonished to realize that they're not, you know, people
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  say that to me and my group people say that to me who our
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  clients they say, wow, I never realized that these are
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  intelligent people who have done well in their lives, you know,
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  successful talented. People who say wow I never
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  realized that all men aren't assholes literally because I was
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  raised to think that or men will say the same thing.
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  I never realized that women aren't just selfish and out to
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  get me for my money because I grew.
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  Hearing that in my family of origin.
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  And so the necessarily that person and is drawn to women
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  like that, which amplify the, you know, it's called
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  confirmation bias, amplify your pre-existing view of looking at
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  the world. That's what we're drawn to and
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  only later on. So then let's say you're in
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  therapy and and the therapist is.
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  Why don't you try to date somebody else you know like not
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  necessarily the woman you're meeting from Tinder.
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  That's already asked. What car do you drive and you
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  are ready or like oh yeah sure I know what that is.
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  That's Why I bought a good car in the first place, you know,
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  because I'm a heterosexual and I want to get laid and of course
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  all women care about cars and then like you could look at all
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  the other messages where women didn't ask about cars or
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  anything remotely like that and the guy just like kind of all
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  right now it's just not as interested in those
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  conversations you had a girls pretty but whatever.
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  Like he's really just mostly drawn to the back and forth
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  between him and the shallow woman because this is what his
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  brain is. Got it.
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  Is brain or whatever is telling him to be drawn to the fantasy.
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  Then being to hook in This Woman, This is the subconscious
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  fantasy hook in this woman and change her to somebody who
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  doesn't care what car he drives. But she's fucking asking what
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  car he drives in the goddamn first interaction.
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  So you see why this might go poorly and lead to a bad
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  relationship overall. When you're not really actively
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  working to get outside your comfort zone and date different
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  kind of people always people that you find physically
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  attractive. As I said, that was You can't
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  really change but not people that go into the same exact
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  dysfunctional pattern, you know. So with women frequently they
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  are just ignoring really not even doesn't even come to the.
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  It doesn't even come to the level of relevance to them.
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  When there are these guys who do not act like assholes and this
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  isn't all women even remotely. These are the women that grew up
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  in very dysfunctional families. Unfortunately, it's like for a
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  guy to get their attention. He has to be an asshole because
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  otherwise, it's like, It's like she doesn't believe it's real.
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  It's kind of like I always talk about this analogy with clients.
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  When you watch shows, like The Bachelor something and as I've
• 11:17
  talked about watching reality, TV could be very educational,
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  and it can be very good thing to talk with your spouse about to
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  hear man. Listening, your wife wants,
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  watch reality TV. With you do that and actually
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  talk about the people and their personalities.
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  And what's familiar to you? What's not.
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  Which one are you like? Which one is she like?
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  That could be a vet. That is, A very useful
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  conversation, as it gives people a starting point to talk about
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  issues of personality and relationships.
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  But that's an aside. So things like The Bachelor
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  people who have grown up and I know things are scripted on The
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  Bachelor, etcetera etcetera but not everything.
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  You know what you do have is people who do with least for you
• 11:56
  know the temporariness of the situation, they do want to
• 12:00
  attract the person, right? So it's interesting to see how
• 12:04
  people go about that. And then they go back to the
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  families of origin, and haven't watched the show in years.
• 12:08
  I assume it's the same. They go back to the family, they
• 12:11
  introduced the family, and these people that get to the end
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  round. Usually they have these, like,
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  really big happy families, where people are very open about their
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  feelings and yes, they are trained to do this by the
• 12:24
  cameras but there's plenty of families that wouldn't do that
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  for the camera that would never, in their life.
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  Be able to say something like sweetheart.
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  He seems like a very good guy and whatever decision you make.
• 12:34
  I'll be happy for you. People that could not even say
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  that and their kid would not even have the camera crew come
• 12:40
  back to the family. You do see this in some of the
• 12:43
  later ones since this got more prevalent, there are some people
• 12:46
  who are like, my parents won't do that.
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  Like I'm on the show, but my parents will not support me.
• 12:51
  We cannot go back to my family to introduce them to the
• 12:55
  bachelor despite that I am you know, one of the finalists
• 12:59
  because my family just won't will not engage like that.
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  I always feel bad for those people, you know, because this
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  parents are not being Supportive.
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  And they obviously, then these people came from dysfunctional
• 13:08
  families. So either way, the point is
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  that, when you watch these shows as an adult child of
• 13:14
  dysfunctional family, you're like, wait, people like say to
• 13:18
  each other. I'm ready for a committed
• 13:21
  relationship. I can't wait to spend more time
• 13:24
  with you now. That shit's fake.
• 13:26
  Nobody talks like that, what guys usually say stuff like, I'm
• 13:30
  busy tonight, maybe I'll text you later and we could fuck.
• 13:33
  That makes sense. You know, that's it.
• 13:35
  It's one, I've gotten my inbox, you do.
• 13:37
  So make sense they're like they don't even understand that
• 13:40
  people. And yes, of course these things
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  are partially scripted but they don't understand that they're
• 13:46
  even men in the world who would go on TV and say that even if
• 13:50
  they were handed a cue card to say that because all the men
• 13:53
  that they have interacted with have been incredibly emotionally
• 13:57
  avoidant because that's what they're drawn to from their
• 13:59
  family of origin. So the point here is this trust
• 14:03
  your God only works. If you were raised in a super
• 14:05
  happy, Family and your gut is trained on very functional
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  relationships for people who are not, you know, and there are
• 14:14
  many, then you can't trust your gut.
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  You gotta do like chicks reality checks.
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  A therapist is a good person to do reality checks with, you
• 14:21
  know, and so, our friends. And so, a lot of times you, when
• 14:26
  you grow up in a dysfunctional, family, your gut is going to be
• 14:28
  wrong. So, if and you could tell by, do
• 14:31
  you have a pattern of unhappy relationships in your past, will
• 14:34
  shoot your guts, been wrong? Then Lat.
• 14:35
  So instead of continuing to trust a God that has not done
• 14:38
  much good to you then why don't you get into therapy and figure
• 14:41
  out where you got is right and where it's wrong, it's not your
• 14:44
  fault, it's not like your gut is broken.
• 14:46
  Your gun is just trained by your environment.
• 14:48
  If you are an abused animal, then you are that animals gut
• 14:52
  tells it, not to trust people. So it doesn't understand that
• 14:56
  like you want to be its new loving pet owner, you know, like
• 14:59
  because that's not what that pet Associates with humans because
• 15:02
  it's gut tells it that you are. Are bad and dangerous because
• 15:07
  that's how this pet was raced, right?
• 15:10
  It's not the pets fault and it's not your fault that you are in
• 15:13
  an analogous situation. All right.
• 15:15
  So that was a good question from my group and please do
• 15:18
  subscribe. Next one will be subscriber.
• 15:20
  And I'll talk to you soon. Bye.