Latest / She Rises with Ashy & Tijana / 241. I Fell For The Man Who Helped Bury My Husband

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241. I Fell For The Man Who Helped Bury My Husband · She Rises with Ashy & Tijana

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  Speaker 2: Let's get into it.
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  Speaker 3: A easier advice.
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  Speaker 3: Welcome to our Bestie Segment.
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  Speaker 2: Welcome back to another episode of our Bestie Segment. Now
• 0:54
  Speaker 2: this for anyone who is new here. This is where
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  Speaker 2: we basically give our unsolicited advice in the same way
• 1:00
  Speaker 2: that we would give to each other if we were
• 1:02
  Speaker 2: in the situation that you were currently in. So please
• 1:04
  Speaker 2: note that the things that we do share there is
• 1:06
  Speaker 2: no fluffing. We are very honest and very direct in
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  Speaker 2: our approach. But the reason is it comes with a
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  Speaker 2: lot of love and a lot of the times when
• 1:13
  Speaker 2: we go through things like this, a lot of people
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  Speaker 2: sugarcoach it.
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  Speaker 3: Yeah, and we want you to be able to.
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  Speaker 2: Move through your challenges and your issues and know that
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  Speaker 2: you can do really hard things. So ashally take it away.
• 1:22
  Speaker 1: Okay, and I have not read this, so the title
• 1:26
  Speaker 1: alone is hectic. So the name of this episode is
• 1:29
  Speaker 1: I fell for the man who helped bury my husband.
• 1:32
  Speaker 3: Oh goodness, here we go, Hi girls.
• 1:37
  Speaker 1: I was the anonymous submission from episode one nine four,
• 1:40
  Speaker 1: the one trying to figure out how to rebuild my
• 1:42
  Speaker 1: life after losing my husband of thirty years. Firstly, thank
• 1:46
  Speaker 1: you you made me feel seen in a time where
• 1:48
  Speaker 1: I didn't even recognize myself. I wanted to share an update,
• 1:50
  Speaker 1: and this one feels a bit more complicated. Since my
• 1:53
  Speaker 1: husband passed, our lives became very intertwined with my daughter's
• 1:56
  Speaker 1: partner's family. They were there through everything, the illness, the
• 1:59
  Speaker 1: last Christmas, the day we said goodbye. My daughter's partner
• 2:02
  Speaker 1: was even one of the pall bearers. Their support has
• 2:05
  Speaker 1: been something I'll never be able to fully put into words.
• 2:07
  Speaker 1: In that time, I formed a connection with his dad.
• 2:09
  Speaker 1: It didn't start as anything, just time spent together, shared experiences,
• 2:13
  Speaker 1: and being around each other through something incredibly heavy. But
• 2:17
  Speaker 1: over time something shifted in me, And to be honest,
• 2:20
  Speaker 1: that in itself has been a shock. After losing my husband,
• 2:23
  Speaker 1: not by choice, not by anything other than life being unfair,
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  Speaker 1: I never imagined I would feel anything like this again.
• 2:29
  Speaker 1: There's a part of me that still struggles to even
• 2:31
  Speaker 1: give myself permission to feel it. What I'm struggling to
• 2:34
  Speaker 1: put into words is that the connection doesn't feel casual
• 2:36
  Speaker 1: or surface level. It feels like something deeper, an energetic
• 2:39
  Speaker 1: connection I've never experienced before. He's seen at my absolute
• 2:42
  Speaker 1: worst during a time where I was breaking, and he
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  Speaker 1: has met me there with kindness, respect and care. He
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  Speaker 1: knew my husband, he stood beside our family through it all,
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  Speaker 1: and somehow he allows space for me to still honor
• 2:53
  Speaker 1: my husband, to talk about him, to remember him without
• 2:56
  Speaker 1: it feeling uncomfortable or like I need to hide that
• 2:58
  Speaker 1: part of my life. We've spoken about it gently and honestly,
• 3:01
  Speaker 1: and neither of us really knows how to navigate something
• 3:03
  Speaker 1: like this in a way that respects everyone. We're both single.
• 3:06
  Speaker 1: Doesn't feel that simple, because while I feel a part
• 3:09
  Speaker 1: of myself coming back into life in a way I
• 3:11
  Speaker 1: never thought I would Again. It hasn't landed well with
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  Speaker 1: my daughter. I can feel her discomfort. I know she
• 3:16
  Speaker 1: doesn't see him the way I do. That's been really
• 3:18
  Speaker 1: hard to sit with, and honestly, that's where I feel torn.
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  Speaker 1: I don't know how to navigate being a woman who
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  Speaker 1: is allowed to feel connection again while also being a
• 3:25
  Speaker 1: mom who never wants to hurt a child. So my
• 3:27
  Speaker 1: question now isn't just about healing anymore. It's about boundaries relationship,
• 3:31
  Speaker 1: and with some connections, even if they feel genuine, come
• 3:33
  Speaker 1: at a high cost. How do you know if something
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  Speaker 1: is right for you and it doesn't feel right for
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  Speaker 1: someone you love this deeply, I'm trying to honor my grief,
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  Speaker 1: my growth, and my role as a mum all at
• 3:43
  Speaker 1: the same time. Right now, I'm not sure what the
• 3:46
  Speaker 1: quote unquote right answer is love your episode from one
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  Speaker 1: ninety four. Oh oh, there's few layers to it.
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  Speaker 3: Yes, a sticky situation, isn't it.
• 3:56
  Speaker 2: Yeah?
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  Speaker 1: I can see all size so I can see most
• 3:59
  Speaker 1: of my body right now. Is like, oh my gosh,
• 4:01
  Speaker 1: if you feel for this man, you're allowed to love again,
• 4:03
  Speaker 1: And that's beautiful. And I think you're would want that,
• 4:06
  Speaker 1: And I also can see how the daughter would be
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  Speaker 1: like with my boyfriend's dad, Like how does that all
• 4:10
  Speaker 1: connect and work? Like, Yeah, it's tricky.
• 4:15
  Speaker 2: I can see why this is a complicated situation for you,
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  Speaker 2: and I think, firstly, just congratulations for you allowing yourself
• 4:21
  Speaker 2: to feel into anything after your partner like passing.
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  Speaker 3: That would be such a one.
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  Speaker 2: Grief is such a hard thing to go through, let
• 4:29
  Speaker 2: alone having your partner pass away. And I just can
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  Speaker 2: only imagine how much work you've had to do to
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  Speaker 2: get to this point to even allow yourself permission to
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  Speaker 2: explore that You're right that needs to.
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  Speaker 1: Be celebrated because a lot of people never allow themselves
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  Speaker 1: to feel after grief. And I'm so proud of you
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  Speaker 1: because you deserve to feel again.
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  Speaker 2: And you deserve to be happy and to be and
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  Speaker 2: you're obviously like you're still so young. I mean, I
• 4:48
  Speaker 2: don't know how old, but regardless, still so young and
• 4:51
  Speaker 2: ashly and I talk about this all the time, that
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  Speaker 2: you don't ever just love one person, No, like we
• 4:56
  Speaker 2: love multiple people, and there is an opportunity for us
• 4:59
  Speaker 2: to love multiple people after whoever it is that we're
• 5:01
  Speaker 2: with now, because love is not just based on one person,
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  Speaker 2: you know, it's based on all of the multiple situations,
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  Speaker 2: and you know relationships that you do build over time.
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  Speaker 3: So well done for that. I'm sorry to hear that
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  Speaker 3: it's not landed well with your daughter.
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  Speaker 2: Like I can see her side as well, and I
• 5:17
  Speaker 2: can see yours too, and it is just one of
• 5:19
  Speaker 2: those things where it's a little bit uncomfortable. But I
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  Speaker 2: think if this were something where you were really serious
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  Speaker 2: about and you were like you went and spoke to
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  Speaker 2: her about it, given you felt one hundred percent this
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  Speaker 2: is what I want to do. I think that at
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  Speaker 2: some point she would be understanding.
• 5:32
  Speaker 1: I think she would grow and learn to accept it. Yeah,
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  Speaker 1: and deep down, I think she'd want you to be happy.
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  Speaker 1: That's what I'm saying. She's uncomfortable now.
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  Speaker 2: That's what I'm saying. Like if you sat down and
• 5:41
  Speaker 2: spoke to her one on one, not as daughter and mum, yeah,
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  Speaker 2: but as woman to a woman, and you said to her, look,
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  Speaker 2: I've grieved your dad so much and I loved him
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  Speaker 2: with all my fucking heart, and I have a chance,
• 5:55
  Speaker 2: an opportunity to find love again. And I feel like
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  Speaker 2: this is potentially with this man and I don't know
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  Speaker 2: if it's going to last, and I don't know if
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  Speaker 2: it's going to be real or if it's even anything
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  Speaker 2: remotely of what I feel, But I would be silly
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  Speaker 2: not to give it a chance.
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  Speaker 1: Yeah, and I want you to support me in that,
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  Speaker 1: just like I would support you. I want you to
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  Speaker 1: be happy again. And I would be vulnerable and say, like,
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  Speaker 1: I know you don't want me to be alone and sad, like,
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  Speaker 1: tell me you don't want that for me. Yeah, And
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  Speaker 1: I don't think she could sit there and say, yeah,
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  Speaker 1: I want you to be alone and say there's no way.
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  Speaker 3: And she can also still have her experience.
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  Speaker 2: Yea. She can still be like, oh, this is way
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  Speaker 2: too close to home, this feels weird, this feels whatever,
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  Speaker 2: and valid. She's allowed to have that, just like you're
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  Speaker 2: allowed to have your experience. But at the end of
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  Speaker 2: the day, if this is the direction you really want
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  Speaker 2: to go down, I don't think that she would ever
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  Speaker 2: hold a grudge against you for wanting to be happy.
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  Speaker 3: Again after the loss that you've experienced.
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  Speaker 2: And the crazy thing is she can relate to some
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  Speaker 2: sense of the grief that you've had.
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  Speaker 3: She lost her dad.
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  Speaker 1: Yeah, and obviously we haven't been in your situation. But
• 6:49
  Speaker 1: when I'm trying to like give advice or just understand
• 6:51
  Speaker 1: where someone's coming from, I just think about my mum
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  Speaker 1: and I feel like she put us first her whole
• 6:56
  Speaker 1: life as much as she could. And I wish you
• 6:59
  Speaker 1: put herself first more like I would want her to
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  Speaker 1: choose herself. Yeah, you know, I want her to whose
• 7:05
  Speaker 1: and know that she her happiness is equally as important
• 7:08
  Speaker 1: as ours. And it's like I want to teach my
• 7:10
  Speaker 1: kids as well. I think you deserve to be happy,
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  Speaker 1: You deserve to love again, you deserve to get a
• 7:15
  Speaker 1: second chance and having a beautiful relationship. You got your
• 7:18
  Speaker 1: whole rest of your life to live. We're not meant
• 7:20
  Speaker 1: to do life alone. If you've got this beautiful connection,
• 7:22
  Speaker 1: like this is meant to be.
• 7:24
  Speaker 2: Yeah, and you can't help you fall for you can
• 7:26
  Speaker 2: come on if it's there, it's there.
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  Speaker 3: If you could choose, you would probably do it someone
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  Speaker 3: who wasn't as close to home.
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  Speaker 2: Yeah, but the fact is that you haven't been able
• 7:35
  Speaker 2: to do that, and that's the person that you were
• 7:36
  Speaker 2: connecting with.
• 7:38
  Speaker 1: I think still just take your time, though there's no rush,
• 7:40
  Speaker 1: like really get to know each other, like I don't know,
• 7:43
  Speaker 1: but sometimes in the situations, I'm assuming there could be
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  Speaker 1: a level of like common ground and maybe not trauma bonding,
• 7:49
  Speaker 1: but going through that grief together.
• 7:51
  Speaker 3: Yeah, because was he close with your husband.
• 7:53
  Speaker 1: I'm not sure if I quite understood if they were close,
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  Speaker 1: But there could be that like bonding over that grief
• 7:58
  Speaker 1: and it's like such a deep level of support and
• 8:01
  Speaker 1: comfort because you both know what you're going through.
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  Speaker 3: Yes, that's true.
• 8:04
  Speaker 1: If that could make things blurry sometimes and make you think,
• 8:07
  Speaker 1: it's like, it's not like this, but I'm trying to
• 8:09
  Speaker 1: relate to something else, like firefighters and police officers. I've
• 8:12
  Speaker 1: heard that when they rescue someone from a certain situation
• 8:16
  Speaker 1: they call it heroes love or something where the person's
• 8:18
  Speaker 1: been rescued can then develop feelings for the person that
• 8:21
  Speaker 1: saved them because they're like, oh, they're my hero. But
• 8:24
  Speaker 1: it's actually like a false sense of lust, almost like
• 8:27
  Speaker 1: infatuation or something. Yeah, it's so so different, but I
• 8:30
  Speaker 1: just wonder I would just take my time and just
• 8:32
  Speaker 1: make sure that this does feel really real for you
• 8:34
  Speaker 1: and it's not something you guys are bonding over the
• 8:36
  Speaker 1: grief and getting closeness over that. But like I don't
• 8:39
  Speaker 1: know from a bar of soap, like this is just
• 8:41
  Speaker 1: throwing ideas out there.
• 8:42
  Speaker 2: Sure, explore it, that's what I hearp and cool as well,
• 8:46
  Speaker 2: Like before you have that conversation with your daughter, these
• 8:48
  Speaker 2: are things you get to get clear on. Is this
• 8:50
  Speaker 2: actually a direction you want to go down and you
• 8:52
  Speaker 2: want to commit to going down or is this something
• 8:54
  Speaker 2: that just feels like a bit frivolous and feels nice?
• 8:57
  Speaker 1: What it feels nice comfort?
• 8:58
  Speaker 2: Maybe he's a safe masculine man, so you're like, oh,
• 9:00
  Speaker 2: that feels really good, or my nervous system because of
• 9:02
  Speaker 2: all the things that I've been through in the past,
• 9:03
  Speaker 2: Like yeah, this feels really good for me. Yep.
• 9:06
  Speaker 3: There's so many layers to things like this.
• 9:08
  Speaker 1: And I'm not sure how old your daughter is, Like
• 9:09
  Speaker 1: has she left home? Is she's still young? Like at
• 9:11
  Speaker 1: the end of the day, like she is going to
• 9:13
  Speaker 1: live her own life. You also get to live your
• 9:15
  Speaker 1: own life. I would never want you to not do
• 9:18
  Speaker 1: things because your daughter might be upset with you and
• 9:20
  Speaker 1: you live miserable and say no to love and having
• 9:24
  Speaker 1: a life of connection and memories and being happy again.
• 9:27
  Speaker 1: Like she's going to go out and live her life
• 9:28
  Speaker 1: and be happy and create memories with who she wants to.
• 9:30
  Speaker 1: You also are allowed to do that.
• 9:31
  Speaker 3: So true.
• 9:32
  Speaker 1: Just like a lot of communication, a lot of understanding,
• 9:35
  Speaker 1: and also maybe some mother daughter therapy together. It could
• 9:38
  Speaker 1: be really cool to hear a different perspective and really
• 9:41
  Speaker 1: help make sure you're both feeling heard in it. Sometimes
• 9:43
  Speaker 1: the things are really triggering and really heightened and she's
• 9:46
  Speaker 1: not hearing you. It might be nice to do some
• 9:48
  Speaker 1: of that work together. Yeah, because it's a lot that
• 9:50
  Speaker 1: you're navigating. You're not only grieving the man that you
• 9:52
  Speaker 1: both love so much, but now you're entering this new
• 9:55
  Speaker 1: season of what living without him looks like and bringing
• 9:58
  Speaker 1: someone new and be hard for your daughter too, because
• 10:00
  Speaker 1: she's probably like, doesn't want her dad to be replaced.
• 10:03
  Speaker 1: She might not be saying that, but unconsciously that's there.
• 10:06
  Speaker 1: It's like, Oh, my dad's gone, Like I don't want
• 10:07
  Speaker 1: another man in that place.
• 10:09
  Speaker 2: I love that you brought that up because she's obviously
• 10:10
  Speaker 2: having her own experience as well.
• 10:12
  Speaker 1: Yeah, No one really knows what she's going through, what's
• 10:15
  Speaker 1: going through her head.
• 10:16
  Speaker 2: And what that might bring up for her. Yeah, knowing
• 10:19
  Speaker 2: that somebody else might enter your life.
• 10:21
  Speaker 1: Don't want to step back to step into that. Like
• 10:23
  Speaker 1: it's really hard for kids, or for teenagers or for
• 10:25
  Speaker 1: adults to have a new male figure come in. Like
• 10:27
  Speaker 1: even my mom got with her partner, now, I still
• 10:29
  Speaker 1: had a resistance around. I was happy, she was happy,
• 10:31
  Speaker 1: but I questioned his intentions or what is he going
• 10:33
  Speaker 1: to be? Like is he going to treat us nicely?
• 10:35
  Speaker 1: How is he going to be with my mom? Like
• 10:37
  Speaker 1: is he good enough?
• 10:38
  Speaker 2: Yeah?
• 10:38
  Speaker 1: Like is he going to take care of her? He's
• 10:39
  Speaker 1: going to be able to provide for her? And all
• 10:41
  Speaker 1: those questions. As a daughter, I felt like a mom
• 10:43
  Speaker 1: just being so overprotective of who this new man was
• 10:46
  Speaker 1: coming in.
• 10:46
  Speaker 3: Yeah, don't blame you.
• 10:47
  Speaker 1: It's like how moms feel with their kids. It's like,
• 10:49
  Speaker 1: is anyone ever good enough for my kidlet of my mom?
• 10:51
  Speaker 1: Is anyone ever gonna be good enough? But a fucking
• 10:53
  Speaker 1: hope that you treat her right? Because we treated like
• 10:55
  Speaker 1: shit in the past. It's super protective. So your daughter
• 10:58
  Speaker 1: could be like that and you're like that with her.
• 10:59
  Speaker 1: It's Oh, it's tough.
• 11:01
  Speaker 2: There's just a lot of love there at the end
• 11:02
  Speaker 2: of the day, a lot of communication, a lot of
• 11:04
  Speaker 2: honor ability will lead you very far. If you can
• 11:07
  Speaker 2: lead with those two things, especially when it comes to
• 11:09
  Speaker 2: your daughter.
• 11:10
  Speaker 1: But yeah, give it time. She said, give it time
• 11:12
  Speaker 1: because it's not something that she's just going to all
• 11:13
  Speaker 1: of a sudden be like, oh yeah, I'm sweet with
• 11:15
  Speaker 1: It's going to be a time of adjusting and.
• 11:17
  Speaker 2: An adjustment yea for sure. And that would be something
• 11:19
  Speaker 2: that you'd have to work through together as well, so.
• 11:22
  Speaker 1: Whilst you're both still navigating the grief like that in
• 11:24
  Speaker 1: itself is hard to go through, let alone, like adapting
• 11:27
  Speaker 1: to someone new. So they give both of you a
• 11:29
  Speaker 1: lot of time, grace, compassion, understanding, love, support, a lot
• 11:34
  Speaker 1: of conversations. Yeah, that's what I would do. So you
• 11:38
  Speaker 1: so much love. But you sound like an incredible woman
• 11:39
  Speaker 1: and you've already come so far and I just want
• 11:42
  Speaker 1: you to be happy. Yeah, you deserve it, definitely deserve it.
• 11:45
  Speaker 3: Alright.
• 11:46
  Speaker 1: Thanks for joining us, guys, and thank you for the update.
• 11:48
  Speaker 3: We'll see you on the next one.
• 11:49
  Speaker 1: Bye.