Latest / Behind Every Great Man / EP 57: From Good Girl To Wife: The Sexual Journey of a Woman
Transcript
- Jessica Zubchevich: Hi, and welcome to Behind Every Great Man. I am Jessica, your host. Behind every great man is a great woman who isn't ashamed to understand her sexuality. This episode is for the woman who was raised as the good girl. If you were raised as the good girl, you know exactly what I'm talking about. You were raised to be, I'm sure, appropriate to be. Have manners, to be polite, to be respectful, to have strong morals and values, to be a good Catholic girl in my case, to dress appropriately, to not call attention to yourself, don't wear revealing clothes. For me, it was tank tops we couldn't wear to school or short shorts. That was a big no. Don't make a reputation for yourself. These are some of the descriptive words that I would use for how a good girl is raised. I'm not criticizing being raised with values or beliefs. It's extremely important for people to be raised with self-respect, discernment, boundaries, respect for others. Of course, there were things that good girls did, and there were things that good girls did not do. We didn't really talk about sex in the house. I didn't really know what it was as I shouldn't at that age. I was raised to be an obedient, polite, well-mannered, good girl. I want to pause during my episodes now, not during just the weekly pause at the end that I do, but during it, I would ask you as we go, what was it for you in your household? Were you raised as a good girl? And what did that look like? Think of just three or four descriptive words of what that was like for you. Every woman has a sexual story. Every woman has an arc of how her sexuality was formed, what she was taught as a girl, what she absorbed in culture, what she learned from relationships, from her parents, from her family, from her church, from her religion, from media, from experience. Then she gets married and she brings it all in with her. This episode is about looking at that whole arc with compassion and asking what was handed to me? What did I learn along the way? And what do I still carry? And what do I believe now? I want to go through the actual journey of a woman's sexuality, the arc of her sexuality, because it's important for us to see the evolution of it. When we were at home, what we were told, how we were raised, when we left the home, and then when we're married. Because we don't get married and all of that just stays at the door. We carry these stories into our marriage. So I want to really go on that journey. My journey started. I was a tomboy growing up. I wore basketball shorts and t-shirts and just living a sports-playing tomboy life. Wasn't really interested in boys at the time. I remember the first day that I wore a tight shirt when it wasn't this oversized t-shirt that I was wearing. And I got attention from boys. And it was the first time that I really had attention like that. It was the first time I was on the receiving end of male energy, male testosterone, male desire. So that was very jarring for me. It was very confusing. What is this? This is very new to me. I didn't really know why or what it was, but I could feel it. I could feel. A power that I had within me. I could feel that something was shifting. I could feel the reaction and the attention. A girl can feel the power of her sexuality before truly even knowing really what it is. what feels safe to me? What feels good to me? What feels good in my body? What makes me feel loved? What makes me feel sensual and beautiful? What does any of this even mean to me? I went through some tough times in high school. I got kicked out of my dad's house and I really went off the deep end. I did drugs. I was promiscuous and I just was really lost. And at the time, when you're that age, you really don't, you can't put words to what you're experiencing, the loss, the hurt, the pain. It's coming out as anger. I would lash out at people. Just It was a very difficult time. So whatever your experience was at home, and then we leave home and we are out in the world. Maybe you went to college, maybe you went straight to work, whatever the case may be, what was that like for you? Think of some more describing words of what that was like. Some women go into college and lose their minds. They're partying, they're having sex, they're really wild because it was so strict at their house. Now they have this newfound freedom and it is just like all out. Maybe you stayed the course as a good girl. Maybe you were a little bit of both. What was that for you? For me, I had quite the contrast. I mean, I was dating and had some new relationships, everything's very new. When I was in school, I was having some trouble making my rents. And I started to work at this entertainment, adult entertainment place in the financial district in New York. So I had quite the contrast from good girl to Being in an environment where sexuality was the currency. I learned a lot about myself there. I learned a lot about male desire there. That would be a whole other episode. But I don't shame myself for that time. I look back and I want to hold that girl. I want to give her a big hug. She was trying to navigate a navigate tough times, navigate through the world. And I know that she was doing her best. So I share this and I don't hold shame on that. and whatever your story was, whatever things that you did in your past that maybe you regret or you hold shame around, I really would encourage you to be gentle with that girl, So we go from this good girl at home, where it's contained Where it's be appropriate, it's be modest to a world that is sex sells, sex gets attention, the world is obsessed with it, sex creates power, it creates validation. That is a massive shift to navigate without a roadmap. I didn't know. Who I am as a woman with regard to my sexuality. It was more performative for me. Maybe you can relate to that. I would say my 20s and 30s, having good relationships. I was in love a couple of times, but my sexual life was performative. It was what I saw in movies. It was what I talked about with my girlfriends. It was what I had seen, what I had read. Not truly understanding what it is. It was more, what am I supposed to look like? Am I supposed to do this? What do I look like doing this? What does my body look like? What does he want? Is he into this? Is this something that turns him on? What is expected of me? That was huge for me. Not an embodied sexuality of what does this feel like in my body? What feels safe to me? What feels good to me? What do I desire? What makes me feel beautiful? What makes me feel powerful? What makes me feel feminine? What makes me feel connected? What makes me feel erotic? None of those questions. Then we get married and we bring all of these versions of ourselves into our marriage. The good girl, the confused girl, the promiscuous girl, the lost girl, the hurt girl, the performative girl, the girl who still doesn't truly understand the power that she holds. the expectations that we have around sexuality, all of this gets brought into our marriage. And Still, maybe not a true understanding of who we are as women. Marriage doesn't erase those women. Marriage just becomes part of that journey. And there were questions when I got married that I had to ask myself what satisfies me? What do I desire? What do I find beautiful? What makes me feel connected to my husband? What makes it exciting? What makes it feel erotic? What makes me feel like a beautiful woman? What makes me feel safe enough to express myself openly? What does it look like when I take off expectation and what I'm supposed to be doing or what the good girl does or does not do? But when I got married, this was a big journey that I was still on, that we still are on to let go of these old stories and let go of what people told me it was supposed to be, and creating my own beliefs, my own understanding of it, my own embodiment of it, letting go of these performative stories and these expectations. And Leaning into the fact that I had a partner that loves me, that I feel safe with, that I don't feel judged by. I'm accepted where I was, how I feel isn't shamed or wrong. Being in a marriage allows us the space to safely explore our own sexuality from the inside instead of performing it. From the outside. And that is a journey in itself. Maybe this has been an easy journey for you, and it's been healthy the whole way through. That's incredible if that's the case for you. Maybe this has been a very difficult journey for you. Maybe you have had things happen to you, sexual trauma. Maybe you have had very difficult. experiences and seasons and you've gone to therapy or you haven't, they're still alive in you. Maybe you are still that good girl, that good woman. Your husband wants to do things that you don't feel comfortable with, that you carry shame around or guilt. You shame yourself. You shame him. I And then you get into your marriage, and you're to be uninhibited and free and spontaneous and try things that are adventurous. And it is just a total mind fuck. I wanted to share some of the quotes while I was researching this episode. Brene Brown on shame. Shame is the intensely painful feeling or experience. of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love, belonging, and connection. Guilt says, I did something wrong. Shame says there is something wrong with me. And that distinction matters enormously when a woman walks into a marriage carrying years of messages about what a good woman is allowed to want. There's a lot there because this is where shame can really enter your story, or it's followed you through every part. of your arc every season, what has that been like for you? Do you carry shame? Shaming ourselves can sound like, why do I want this? Why can't I just loosen up? Why am I so rigid and frustrated? Why am I curious about that? Why am I too sexual? Why am I not sexual enough? What is wrong with me? And then we can be shaming our husbands. What's wrong with him? Why does he want sex so much? What is he interested in? What is he looking at? Why does he want to do that? Why would he want me to try that? Is that gross? Is that perverted? Why is what we already do not enough? Sometimes we turn the shame that we learned inward. And sometimes we can turn that shame onto our partner and sometimes not even know that we're doing it. And we can end up shaming desire itself and making it wrong, making something that is supposed to be beautiful in your marriage and healthy and fun and amazing and amazing bond and connection that you two share. We can end up turning it into something ugly and shameful and wrong. And it should be pushed away and. ignored and act like act like it doesn't even exist. When if you are religious, that's not what God intended at all. This doesn't mean that every desire needs to be acted on, that there's no boundaries, that everything is just like a free for all. I'm not saying that. This doesn't mean you have to say yes when you want to say no. But we can also say no in a way that doesn't shame our partner or make him wrong for desiring his wife. So when we enter marriage, of course we can feel confused. Of course, shame can show up. Of course, old stories can still be there. Of course, it can feel complicated. And then the question becomes. What do I believe now? Not what I was taught, not what I was told to believe, not what society told me to believe, not what even what I think my husband wants me to believe. What do I believe? What do I feel? It's time for a weekly pause. I want to go through your own journey of your sexual arc. If you can, stop what you're doing. If you're driving, just be safe and listen to what I'm saying. But take this moment for you, these next couple minutes, to really reflect on what your journey has been. So if you can, close your eyes. Let's all take a deep inhale through your nose. Nice long exhale through your mouth. Another deep soothing breath in. Exhale it out. One more deep breath in. And let it go. Jessica: Sister, what were you taught when you were a child? About being a good girl. Yeah. What was said about sex? And what was never said at all. Then I want you to move forward. What did dating, culture, religion, movies, men? What did it all teach you? What experiences shaped you? Then ask yourself what did I carry into my marriage? What beliefs? What expectations? What fears? What shame. What curiosity What freedom? Where do I shame myself? Where do I shame my husband? Sister, I want you to consider his arc too. His story. His sexual journey. What was he taught about sex growing up? What did masculinity teach him about his own desire? What were his dating experiences like? What did rejection teach him? What did previous relationships teach him? And what beliefs did he carry into marriage? Sister, if you don't know the answer to these questions, I encourage you to have that conversation for him to know your story and you to know his. Now ask yourself Where can I replace shame with curiosity? And what do I actually believe now? What feels beautiful to me? What makes me feel safe enough to express myself? Sister, you don't have to judge any of the women you've been. They all got you here. But you do not have to keep every belief that she picked up along the way. and if faith is part of your life, bring God into this gently and ask Him to help you see what is true, what is yours, and what you're ready to lay down. The goal isn't to become a different woman. It's to become more fully the woman that you already are. Let's all take one last collective breath in together. Exhale it out. and open your eyes. Sister, everyone has a sexual story, a journey, every man, every woman. And maybe understanding where yours began will help you understand where you are now. Behind every great man is a great woman who doesn't shame herself for understanding her sexuality. Thanks for taking the time to join me on this week's podcast episode. You can find more episodes of Behind Every Great Man on Spotify, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. And if this spoke to you, please share it with a friend and subscribe. Thanks for joining us, and I'll see you next week.