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Internal Family System Therapy | Motherhood Uncut Podcast | Season 4 Episode 5 · Motherhood Uncut

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_00: Welcome to Motherhood Uncut.
• 0:01
  SPEAKER_00: We are so glad that you're here.
• 0:03
  SPEAKER_00: Deb Rubin and I, Kate Kripke, bring to this podcast all of those conversations that are actually kind of hard to have around motherhood.
• 0:12
  SPEAKER_00: We will be talking about things that make you laugh, that probably make you cry in the best of ways, that move you, that inspire you, that teach you new things.
• 0:21
  SPEAKER_00: And we are really committed to this podcast because we really believe that nobody should be mothering alone.
• 0:28
  SPEAKER_00: So come jump in with us, pour yourself a glass of wine, cup of tea, put on your running shoes, turn on the audio in your car.
• 0:36
  SPEAKER_00: Come be with us for a bit.
• 0:38
  SPEAKER_00: We can't wait to mother with you.
• 0:49
  SPEAKER_01: Kate and I talk about the therapeutic approach called internal family systems therapy.
• 0:55
  SPEAKER_01: Many people know it as IFS, or some people call it parts work.
• 1:00
  SPEAKER_01: And it's a really booming modality right now in the therapeutic world.
• 1:04
  SPEAKER_01: And I've been studying it for about four years.
• 1:07
  SPEAKER_01: And today Kate and I kind of I explain it to Kate in a very simple way, and we talk about how to use it in mothering and how to use it in parenting.
• 1:17
  SPEAKER_01: And notice I use those terms differently because sometimes they are different.
• 1:23
  SPEAKER_01: So anyway, it's a really interesting conversation, and I hope you enjoy the show.
• 1:27
  SPEAKER_01: As always, thanks for listening.
• 1:29
  SPEAKER_01: Have a good day.
• 1:32
  SPEAKER_00: Hey listeners, it's Kate.
• 1:33
  SPEAKER_00: I am so excited to tell you about my new 12-week program called the Calm Connection System.
• 1:38
  SPEAKER_00: This program is designed for you if you're a high-achieving woman and you're struggling with levels of worry, guilt, and overwhelm that are causing you distress and that are getting in your way of enjoying both mothering and having the kind of attachment and relationship with your child that you've always hoped for.
• 1:53
  SPEAKER_00: You may or may not feel that you're suffering with clinical levels of depression or anxiety, but you do know that you don't feel the way you want to feel and that you are not mothering the way you want to mother, and you know that something needs to change.
• 2:06
  SPEAKER_00: I'm bringing my 20 years as the clinician and maternal and child mental health expert to this program.
• 2:12
  SPEAKER_00: It's designed to help you uncover the blind spots that are getting in your way, learn new ways of changing negative thought patterns, allowing for and moving through hard emotions, tending to your nervous system on the spot so that you can stay steady in the hardest of moments, access self-compassion and more, all while you form a lifelong secure attachment with your child, which I'm also going to show you how to do.
• 2:34
  SPEAKER_00: And what makes this program one of a kind is that I've created it so that you have daily, yes, daily support around implementation and habit changing so that your growth and change is sustainable over time.
• 2:46
  SPEAKER_00: If you're ready to increase your resilience to stress and find mental health and wellness on behalf of your kids, because remember, we know that maternal and child mental health are intimately connected.
• 2:56
  SPEAKER_00: And you understand that the resources that you put towards this now, such as money, time, and energy, will give you back these same resources exponentially later, then this program's for you.
• 3:07
  SPEAKER_00: Schedule a link or schedule a time to book a free call with me at the link in the show notes.
• 3:13
  SPEAKER_00: I can't wait to tell you more about this program and to help you see if you qualify.
• 3:16
  SPEAKER_00: The time is now.
• 3:19
  SPEAKER_01: Hey everyone, this is Deb.
• 3:21
  SPEAKER_01: If you listen to this podcast regularly, you know that one of my biggest desires in life is to help moms and daughters deepen their connection.
• 3:29
  SPEAKER_01: I am also committed to helping to empower moms to learn to listen to your intuition in order to show up differently for your girls.
• 3:38
  SPEAKER_01: Because right now, more than ever, we moms need to find a way to be an active role in our daughters' lives.
• 3:44
  SPEAKER_01: And I'm really excited to tell you that I am hosting my first ever webinar on December 14th through Instagram.
• 3:51
  SPEAKER_01: And in this webinar, I'm going to talk about ways to get your daughters to open up to you.
• 3:56
  SPEAKER_01: It's going to be free and quick and easy, and it's an opportunity to get to see what I do in my groups.
• 4:02
  SPEAKER_01: So if you're interested, I would love to see you there.
• 4:05
  SPEAKER_01: And all you need to do is register on Instagram or on my website.
• 4:09
  SPEAKER_01: And I'll see you then.
• 4:10
  SPEAKER_01: Have a good day.
• 4:11
  SPEAKER_01: Hi, Kate.
• 4:12
  SPEAKER_01: Hi, Deb.
• 4:13
  SPEAKER_01: Happy Podcast Day.
• 4:14
  SPEAKER_01: Happy Podcast Day.
• 4:15
  SPEAKER_01: I feel like we've been here before.
• 4:18
  SPEAKER_01: To our listeners, we just had this is our fourth take because our we're having technical difficulties.
• 4:23
  SPEAKER_01: Imagine that.
• 4:24
  SPEAKER_00: Imagine that.
• 4:25
  SPEAKER_00: And look, here's Darwin staring at me because he needs something.
• 4:28
  SPEAKER_00: I actually think these are more fun when they're messy in the beginning.
• 4:31
  SPEAKER_01: They have to be.
• 4:32
  SPEAKER_00: They're uncut.
• 4:33
  SPEAKER_00: They're uncut.
• 4:35
  SPEAKER_00: And Deb.
• 4:38
  SPEAKER_00: We missed our podcast last week.
• 4:40
  SPEAKER_00: We did.
• 4:41
  SPEAKER_00: We missed all of you listeners.
• 4:42
  SPEAKER_01: I missed you.
• 4:43
  SPEAKER_00: I missed you.
• 4:44
  SPEAKER_00: It had been a little while since we've seen each other.
• 4:46
  SPEAKER_00: I know.
• 4:46
  SPEAKER_00: Talk to our listeners.
• 4:47
  SPEAKER_00: I'm gonna let Darwin out.
• 4:48
  SPEAKER_00: Okay.
• 4:49
  SPEAKER_01: Hi, listeners.
• 4:51
  SPEAKER_01: So we missed our podcast day, and it was a relatively easy choice for me, but it was a little harder for our sweet overachiever Kate.
• 5:01
  SPEAKER_01: But she handled it very well, and I'm very proud of her.
• 5:05
  SPEAKER_00: I did handle it well.
• 5:06
  SPEAKER_00: Well, actually, you both handed it well.
• 5:07
  SPEAKER_00: And I think what I we said in the cut that we just had to stop because we our recording froze, no one cared.
• 5:13
  SPEAKER_00: Nope.
• 5:13
  SPEAKER_00: No one was out there waiting for us.
• 5:15
  SPEAKER_01: Which is a really good reminder of life.
• 5:17
  SPEAKER_01: 100%.
• 5:18
  SPEAKER_01: Actually, when I am feeling overwhelmed with the world, one of my favorite mantras is I am insignificant.
• 5:25
  SPEAKER_01: And even though that might sound self-deprecating, it actually is so um relaxing for me to remember how insignificant I am, really.
• 5:36
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 5:36
  SPEAKER_01: And that doesn't mean I don't impact people or be connected to people.
• 5:40
  SPEAKER_01: It's just that my problems are insignificant, my like my little dot on the earth is insignificant.
• 5:48
  SPEAKER_00: There's actually this data out there, I was reminded of this in a book I'm reading right now, that shows that we are notorious, we being humans are notoriously off with how much we believe people are thinking about us.
• 6:05
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, yes.
• 6:06
  SPEAKER_01: Yes, yes.
• 6:07
  SPEAKER_00: So an example would be that we don't record last week, Thanksgiving week, and I spent a lot as little time thinking, okay, but what are people gonna think?
• 6:16
  SPEAKER_00: And are people gonna let us down?
• 6:18
  SPEAKER_00: And are we gonna let people down?
• 6:19
  SPEAKER_00: And they are we gonna lose credibility?
• 6:21
  SPEAKER_00: And then I was like, no one fucking cares.
• 6:24
  SPEAKER_00: Yes.
• 6:24
  SPEAKER_00: They're all having Thanksgiving, no one's sitting at their computer waiting for the next episode to launch.
• 6:30
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, if you are, thank you.
• 6:32
  SPEAKER_00: But most people probably are not doing that.
• 6:34
  SPEAKER_00: We're just not that important.
• 6:35
  SPEAKER_00: And did that give you peace?
• 6:37
  SPEAKER_01: Yes.
• 6:37
  SPEAKER_01: Right on.
• 6:38
  SPEAKER_01: Who cares?
• 6:39
  SPEAKER_01: Beautiful.
• 6:40
  SPEAKER_01: It's actually a good segue to what we're talking about today.
• 6:42
  SPEAKER_01: So I am I've been pr studying and practicing IFS, which stands for Internal Family Systems Therapy, which is a big kind of buzzword right now, and a lot of people are talking about it.
• 6:54
  SPEAKER_01: And Kate and I thought today would be fun if we broke it down to our listeners about what it means and how to how to work with it in your in your mothering.
• 7:06
  SPEAKER_01: And um, so yeah, so tell me, do you have a question?
• 7:10
  SPEAKER_01: Do you want me to start it?
• 7:11
  SPEAKER_00: Well, let's just let's so internal family systems, aka parts work.
• 7:19
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 7:19
  SPEAKER_00: Right?
• 7:20
  SPEAKER_00: Because I think parts work is a term a lot of people have heard.
• 7:23
  SPEAKER_00: And her internal family systems is one approach to doing parts work.
• 7:27
  SPEAKER_00: Could you start by just reminding us, telling us what what is intern or internal family systems and what is it based on and why is it helpful?
• 7:38
  SPEAKER_01: Yes.
• 7:39
  SPEAKER_01: So it was started and discovered by Richard Schwartz, and it's been, I think it's been around for like 45 years or something.
• 7:49
  SPEAKER_01: It's it's not like a new thing, it's just sort of gotten popular.
• 7:53
  SPEAKER_01: Um and it I think it and it's really okay, so it's when I experienced it as a participant, it was one of the most profound experiences of my life that I decided I needed to learn how to do this and practice it in my regular life.
• 8:12
  SPEAKER_01: Um and the reason why is because it it really kind of turns psychotherapy on its head, where psychotherapy used to kind of look at the mind as a singular object.
• 8:28
  SPEAKER_01: And what internal family systems therapy does is we basically accept the idea that we have many personalities.
• 8:37
  SPEAKER_01: And although multi-personalities has been pathologized and has a psychotic feel to it, this is a hundred percent sane.
• 8:48
  SPEAKER_01: So we'll just define that or clarify that.
• 8:51
  SPEAKER_01: So this idea that we have all these sub-personalities inside of us um is is a way of looking at the mind through a friendly, compassionate approach to understanding our thoughts and emotions as their own little people within us, okay?
• 9:14
  SPEAKER_01: And that all of them have a purpose, and that none of there's no part within us that is negative.
• 9:22
  SPEAKER_01: In fact, they've all grown out of some kind of traumatic event, big T or little T traumatic event, where they developed a characteristic quality that is intended to protect us, okay?
• 9:37
  SPEAKER_01: And typically in psychotherapy, there has been an approach that's like and even through some versions of meditation to ignore the thoughts or ignore the characteristics, or you know, internally we can tend to like shame ourselves, right?
• 9:57
  SPEAKER_01: But in this approach, we are actually leaning towards it and starting to have a relationship with it.
• 10:03
  SPEAKER_01: And when I say we, IFS refers to self with a capital S self as kind of this ultimate observer that is the one in charge that she's running the show, and she has the ability to have true curiosity and compassion and clarity and creativity.
• 10:25
  SPEAKER_01: Richard Schwartz loves all the C words, and so self, when it's in its place, can activate all those C words in order to have a relationship and some conversation with the part.
• 10:37
  SPEAKER_01: So I'm gonna give you an example because it's hard to like talk around it.
• 10:41
  SPEAKER_01: Let's say there's a part of you that is a procrastinator.
• 10:45
  SPEAKER_01: I know that's not real for you, but um, let's say that's not not real.
• 10:48
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, it's a very small part, but of course I've got I've got that part.
• 10:52
  SPEAKER_01: Okay, so there's a part of you that's a procrastinator.
• 10:55
  SPEAKER_01: And for a long time you've been like, oh, I hate the procrastinator in me.
• 10:59
  SPEAKER_01: I just want it to go away.
• 11:00
  SPEAKER_01: Like I just I need to focus, I need to stay on track, da da da da da, right?
• 11:04
  SPEAKER_01: And so what we find is that when we try and change a behavior without understanding its origin, it uh it's unsustainable.
• 11:16
  SPEAKER_01: So there's these parts, and they are they are born out of a traumatic event, usually, little T, big T.
• 11:25
  SPEAKER_01: Any any time that we had to dis develop a new survival skill to be in our family system, usually, a part would grow, and it was protecting in IFS language an exiled child.
• 11:39
  SPEAKER_01: So there is a child that let's say I'm six years old and I am left on the playground by myself multiple times, okay?
• 11:48
  SPEAKER_01: And I develop a part of myself that is like overly independent.
• 11:54
  SPEAKER_01: I don't need anything or anyone to take care of me.
• 11:58
  SPEAKER_01: And so let's say this part of me that is overly independent is starting to become problematic in my life, and it's getting in the way of connection, and I just end up getting like mad at myself every time I don't let someone help me.
• 12:11
  SPEAKER_01: So if I start to do the work with this part of myself, I start to have a conversation with it, and this is where it's a spiritual and rather abstract experience because honestly, people have said it can be it can feel like you're doing LSD without any drugs.
• 12:26
  SPEAKER_01: Interesting.
• 12:27
  SPEAKER_01: Because when you close your eyes and go into your mind and see the part as separate from yourself and start to learn about the part, you will be so amazed at what the part has to say.
• 12:39
  SPEAKER_01: You're learning that this thought, feelings, and behaviors actually has a whole persona and it wants to be heard because when any of us feel ignored or shamed or ridiculed, it's only gonna get bigger or more aggressive.
• 12:54
  SPEAKER_01: And really, what this part just wants to be heard and loved and seen.
• 12:58
  SPEAKER_01: And so when big capital S self can meet it with curiosity and compassion and gentleness, the part starts to share about where it came from, what it believes, why it's working so hard.
• 13:11
  SPEAKER_01: And then once that relationship is established, I, Deb, Capital S Self, would ask the part if it's willing to let me work with the child it's protecting.
• 13:23
  SPEAKER_01: Okay, because that's this beautiful relationship that this behavior grew from trying to protect this exiled child who is stuck in time.
• 13:32
  SPEAKER_00: So all of these different parts of ourselves, whether it's, and I don't know, correct me if I'm wrong, but whether it's the procrastinator self or the um the part of me that feels guilty a lot of the time, or the part of me that is um needs to know the all the answers, like the know-it-all part or the critical part, or the whatever that is.
• 13:57
  SPEAKER_01: The protectionist part, the overeater.
• 14:00
  SPEAKER_01: I mean, all the parts.
• 14:02
  SPEAKER_00: So all those parts of us, according to IFS and this idea of parts work, is all of those other parts of us are there in one form or another to protect this exiled child.
• 14:14
  SPEAKER_00: That's right.
• 14:15
  SPEAKER_00: To protect different exiled children.
• 14:16
  SPEAKER_00: Different exiled children, they're all being, they're all part of me.
• 14:19
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 14:20
  SPEAKER_00: And that my the and what we tend to do if we're not looking at it from the IFS, I think, um, system is want to push those, like I like I hate my procrastinator self, or I I I get mad at myself for judging myself.
• 14:35
  SPEAKER_00: And so rather than get mad at those parts, am I right that what you're saying is that the work is to understand them and appreciate them and friend them.
• 14:46
  SPEAKER_00: Befriend them.
• 14:47
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, exactly.
• 14:48
  SPEAKER_01: You got it, and learn about them, and it is actually, Kate, the most self-compassionate practice I have ever experienced.
• 14:57
  SPEAKER_01: And I have watched it with my clients, and it's changed the way I look at humans because most of the time when humans are having a crunchy reaction or something, it's a part of them that got activated, and that part of them thinks it needs to be running the show.
• 15:13
  SPEAKER_01: And so then when the part is like kind of trusts you as the adult and lets you communicate with the exiled child, then there's all these other layers of work.
• 15:25
  SPEAKER_01: I mean, the work is very detailed, but I'm giving a very simple version.
• 15:29
  SPEAKER_01: So for listeners, please know that I am giving a very, very light version of this, and there's so many different complexities that come in.
• 15:39
  SPEAKER_01: But uh the beautiful thing is that when we get to work with the exiled child, we get to actually give her an update of what's happening in 2023.
• 15:50
  SPEAKER_01: We get to reparent her the way she needed to be reparented, the way she needs to be.
• 15:55
  SPEAKER_01: We get to bring her into different safe spaces.
• 15:58
  SPEAKER_01: There's all these beautiful techniques that we can do to really tend to that child so that the part that's protecting her doesn't have to work so hard.
• 16:09
  SPEAKER_00: Gosh, this is reminding me, and I'm curious to know how this would be seen from the perspective of IFS, but this is reminding me of how many conversations I've had with women in my work who will say, who will finally give words to a voice that sounds like I'm scared to admit that I don't want to be a mother.
• 16:36
  SPEAKER_00: And where I go with that is, okay, well, hang on a second.
• 16:39
  SPEAKER_00: What is it like if we reframe that to there's a part of me that doesn't want to be a mother?
• 16:46
  SPEAKER_00: That's it.
• 16:47
  SPEAKER_00: So that we can rather than believe that we are defined by this feeling or this habit or this thing or this tendency, that that feeling or habit or tendency or thing is just a part of us.
• 16:59
  SPEAKER_00: That's right.
• 17:00
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 17:00
  SPEAKER_01: That's right.
• 17:01
  SPEAKER_01: So intuitively you're already kind of practicing it on some level.
• 17:04
  SPEAKER_01: And it's this and I think that actually when we start to recognize that it's just a part of you that feels that way, there's so much sensitivity to the whole picture.
• 17:18
  SPEAKER_01: It's like I mean, when Richard Schwartz actually discovered this, he was working with young people that had bulimia.
• 17:26
  SPEAKER_01: And he when he got really curious about why the behavior wasn't changing, they would say, you know, there's just this part of me that is just that has a whole personality of its own.
• 17:37
  SPEAKER_01: And when he started to lean into that, he was like, It does have a whole personality of its own.
• 17:43
  SPEAKER_01: That that is just one part of you, and how do we learn to work with that part rather than the parts thinking it has to take charge of the scenario?
• 17:52
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, it's so interesting.
• 17:54
  SPEAKER_00: Um, I think the another way that this has been spoken about, this parts idea is spoken about not in the context of IFS, but is sort of that idea of who's driving the car.
• 18:02
  SPEAKER_00: Yes, right?
• 18:03
  SPEAKER_00: It's like you the the scared, anxious part of me is welcome here, but I'm gonna strap her.
• 18:10
  SPEAKER_00: I did not come up with this metaphor, but I'm gonna strap her in the backseat, get her all nice and cozy back there.
• 18:16
  SPEAKER_00: But the capital S self is gonna drive the car.
• 18:18
  SPEAKER_00: That's it.
• 18:19
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, that's it.
• 18:19
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 18:20
  SPEAKER_01: I know for me personally, where it's been the most effective as a mother is when the worrior in me comes to life.
• 18:26
  SPEAKER_01: Yes.
• 18:27
  SPEAKER_01: And I will worry if like my brain starts to go to catastrophic thinking.
• 18:32
  SPEAKER_01: I have this practice that has been unbelievably helpful where I just lie down and I'm like, I can see the worrier.
• 18:40
  SPEAKER_01: She's like old and just like kind of frail.
• 18:44
  SPEAKER_01: And you know, and then I remind her, I'm like, okay, listen, my kiddo has all these capacities, you know, and I might talk about my kids that I'm worrying about, but then I actually go deeper into like I see you worry part, and as a mother, I know that I can handle whatever happens to my kids, like emotionally, you know, and and it's just a conversation and it just settles my nervous system drastically.
• 19:14
  SPEAKER_01: Anyway, that's just one small example.
• 19:16
  SPEAKER_00: Um But we have these things come up all the time in motherhood, right?
• 19:20
  SPEAKER_00: Like the part of me that doesn't like my child in this moment.
• 19:25
  SPEAKER_00: Yes.
• 19:25
  SPEAKER_00: The part of me that doesn't like mothering, the job of mothering in this moment, the part of me that doesn't like playing with my baby, the part of me that doesn't whatever the thing is.
• 19:34
  SPEAKER_00: That's like judgmental of my children.
• 19:37
  SPEAKER_00: It's judgmental of my children.
• 19:38
  SPEAKER_00: And I think it's gosh, even just talking about it right now, it's like the the moment we allow it to just be a part of ourselves is the moment we can you hear Darwin scratching in the doy?
• 19:51
  SPEAKER_00: I will get him in a moment.
• 19:52
  SPEAKER_00: Is the moment that we also can acknowledge that there are other parts to be curious about.
• 19:57
  SPEAKER_01: That is an amazing point.
• 19:59
  SPEAKER_01: And that actually is another component of this practice, where um a lot of times the parts are in relationship with each other, they might be in conflict with each other.
• 20:13
  SPEAKER_01: So the deeper you go with the work and you start to actually develop and understand the parts, you can see like how are these parts working together to like, you know, not serve me anymore, or how are these parts in deep conflict, and how do I like get to help them have a relationship with each other?
• 20:31
  SPEAKER_00: You know, it's funny as we're talking, I'm like, you know, I actually use this language with myself a lot of the time.
• 20:36
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, right.
• 20:37
  SPEAKER_00: So if I have plans to go to dinner with a group of people, and I'm tired at the end of the day, I the way I will talk to myself, and actually I think I you and I probably talk to each other this way, is I'll say there's a part of me that really doesn't want to go.
• 20:54
  SPEAKER_00: And it's like the moment I can say it that way is the moment I can invite the other part that does want to go in, and then decide which of those two voices do I want to listen to.
• 21:05
  SPEAKER_01: Yes, exactly.
• 21:06
  SPEAKER_01: Or which one is more is stronger at that time.
• 21:10
  SPEAKER_01: So to your point, just saying it actually gives it space from you.
• 21:14
  SPEAKER_01: And I like to physically, when I when I think about it, I'm like, how close is this part to me?
• 21:19
  SPEAKER_01: And sometimes I need to say, Okay, part, I'm gonna ask you to back up like five feet.
• 21:24
  SPEAKER_01: And if it's unwilling, and that can happen, then I need to take charge and back up.
• 21:29
  SPEAKER_01: And this is of course like esoteric and energetic, but it's really around, and so you're doing it through saying it, naming it, and then taking it one step further is to physically give it space so you can see it as separate from you.
• 21:44
  SPEAKER_01: And that separate from you piece is unbelievably powerful.
• 21:48
  SPEAKER_00: Well, it removes the opportunity for shame.
• 21:51
  SPEAKER_01: Yes, right?
• 21:52
  SPEAKER_00: Because when the thing is me, yes, is shame.
• 21:54
  SPEAKER_00: Yes, that is the definition of shame.
• 21:56
  SPEAKER_00: Totally.
• 21:57
  SPEAKER_00: But if I can let it take a little different.
• 22:00
  SPEAKER_00: Distance from the capital S self.
• 22:02
  SPEAKER_00: I use that term all the time.
• 22:03
  SPEAKER_00: I'm not trained in IFS, but I use it all the time because I think of the capital S self as like the wise one, the one that knows, the observer, the one that can can hear myself talking to myself poorly, right?
• 22:16
  SPEAKER_01: And she's always full of love.
• 22:18
  SPEAKER_01: Always full of love.
• 22:26
  SPEAKER_00: She's curious.
• 22:27
  SPEAKER_00: She's, yep.
• 22:28
  SPEAKER_00: So that when we can, when we can make that space in between, right?
• 22:32
  SPEAKER_00: That's when we I can sort of say, oh, this this part of me isn't defining me.
• 22:38
  SPEAKER_00: The part of me that doesn't want to be a mom in this moment is not defining my mothering capacity, myself as mom.
• 22:46
  SPEAKER_00: Yes.
• 22:46
  SPEAKER_00: It's saying in this moment, I'm really freaking tired and annoyed, and I don't want to be a mom right now.
• 22:51
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 22:52
  SPEAKER_01: That part of me, that annoyed, tired part doesn't validate that part.
• 22:55
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 22:56
  SPEAKER_01: Because that's the truth.
• 22:57
  SPEAKER_01: We all need just inner validation.
• 22:59
  SPEAKER_01: Yes.
• 23:00
  SPEAKER_01: And guess what?
• 23:01
  SPEAKER_01: We can do this with our kids.
• 23:03
  SPEAKER_01: Say more.
• 23:04
  SPEAKER_01: And so kids don't have to go through a whole session of IFS, but I have a kiddo that used to get really anxious before bedtime.
• 23:11
  SPEAKER_01: And rightfully so.
• 23:12
  SPEAKER_01: Bedtime is the time they separate from their families.
• 23:16
  SPEAKER_01: And that is a really common time for anxiety to come in.
• 23:20
  SPEAKER_01: And I would lay with her and just say, you know, a part of you is really scared to go to sleep and be alone.
• 23:27
  SPEAKER_01: And what would you say to that part right now?
• 23:29
  SPEAKER_01: And kids can go there so easily because they just are they're just like less ego, right?
• 23:35
  SPEAKER_01: And so, and one of my this child of mine, the sweet child of mine, um, used to, she would just say, I would tell her it's okay, and she would like parent this part of her in like the sweetest, most tender way.
• 23:50
  SPEAKER_01: And it was just enough to regulate her nervous system to let her fall asleep.
• 23:54
  SPEAKER_01: And so we can do this with kids in so many creative ways.
• 23:59
  SPEAKER_01: It's so amazing.
• 24:00
  SPEAKER_00: I feel like um this way we're now moving from how do we parent ourselves in moments of I of parts work or IFS or whatever category we want to call it, to how do we parent our children, it's just a reminder to me of it is gonna be a heck of a lot easier to coach your child through that moment of parts if you have done that for yourself first.
• 24:29
  SPEAKER_00: I'm also just gonna say that that movie Inside Out.
• 24:33
  SPEAKER_01: Yes, that's it.
• 24:34
  SPEAKER_01: It's all that.
• 24:34
  SPEAKER_00: This is what we're talking about, isn't it?
• 24:36
  SPEAKER_00: 100%.
• 24:37
  SPEAKER_01: Yes.
• 24:37
  SPEAKER_01: And sadness wins, sadness saves the day in that movie.
• 24:41
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, I don't remember that part.
• 24:43
  SPEAKER_01: Because sadness needed to be honored in that movie, and sadness was being ignored.
• 24:48
  SPEAKER_01: And that's such an important part of the human experience, is that we have to feel our sadness sometimes.
• 24:53
  SPEAKER_01: It's just as important as joy.
• 24:56
  SPEAKER_01: And so, and once sadness was acknowledged, it was like had the answer to how to I don't remember that.
• 25:02
  SPEAKER_01: I gotta watch that movie.
• 25:03
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, we should watch it again.
• 25:04
  SPEAKER_01: Let's watch it again.
• 25:05
  SPEAKER_01: And um, yeah, and so it's it's again, it's honor, it's such a beautiful, deep honor to all of the complexities of each individual.
• 25:16
  SPEAKER_01: And like I said before, it it's really changed the way I look at humans with so much more compassion and just like really not taking behavior personally.
• 25:27
  SPEAKER_00: No, and we're so complex.
• 25:29
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, as we're sitting here, I'm like, oh, there's a part of me that's really excited to go to Japan, and there's a part of me that's scared shitless.
• 25:36
  SPEAKER_00: Yes.
• 25:37
  SPEAKER_00: There's a part of me that thinks to myself, I have a meeting in a few minutes, and then there's a part of me that's like, you know what, this is too fun to be in this conversation.
• 25:47
  SPEAKER_00: Meaning the anxious part and the grounded part, right?
• 25:51
  SPEAKER_00: We it's like so much easier to begin to see that, you know.
• 25:54
  SPEAKER_00: I do have a question for you, I guess, and it's fine to for me to be a couple minutes late from my meeting to answer this question.
• 26:01
  SPEAKER_00: Okay.
• 26:02
  SPEAKER_00: It almost sounds like a recipe for inner conflict.
• 26:08
  SPEAKER_00: Like if I'm sitting here saying, let me use this one.
• 26:12
  SPEAKER_00: I just there's a part of me that's feeling anxious about this next meeting I have, and there's a part of me that feels really grounded about staying here in conversation with you.
• 26:23
  SPEAKER_00: How do we resolve those two different parts in a moment like this?
• 26:28
  SPEAKER_01: So it's a it is a big question.
• 26:30
  SPEAKER_01: There's a process in IFS that's called unburdening, and that is really around unburdening from kind of the the narrative that the part might have.
• 26:43
  SPEAKER_01: And there's another big part of IFS that's about increasing your capacities, and so the capacity to hold opposites is just an inner strength, right?
• 26:54
  SPEAKER_00: I love that.
• 26:55
  SPEAKER_00: I've never heard that opposites, the both and the capacity to hold opposites is a part of parts work, but it makes so much sense.
• 27:04
  SPEAKER_00: Like that we don't really have to choose.
• 27:06
  SPEAKER_00: No, it can all be true at the same time.
• 27:08
  SPEAKER_01: That's right.
• 27:09
  SPEAKER_01: And that's like another thing you and I talk about all the time.
• 27:12
  SPEAKER_01: I talk about it in my mom groups all the time is how do we increase our capacity to hold opposites?
• 27:18
  SPEAKER_01: Which when I talk about in group, it has nothing to do with IFS.
• 27:21
  SPEAKER_01: It's really about the journey of being a human.
• 27:24
  SPEAKER_01: But in sp specifically in motherhood, we hold opposites all the time.
• 27:30
  SPEAKER_01: All the time.
• 27:31
  SPEAKER_01: It's like I remember missing my kids all day, and the second they get home, I was instantly annoyed.
• 27:37
  SPEAKER_01: Don't be that is major opposites that can, unless we have humor and acceptance around that and appreciation for what that's like and how normal that is, that can feel like crazy making.
• 27:49
  SPEAKER_01: And it's not crazy, it's human.
• 27:52
  SPEAKER_00: That's I think the thing I want to walk away from this conversation the most.
• 27:56
  SPEAKER_00: And I would invite our listeners to do the same, is that sometimes when we're alone in our thoughts, we can feel crazy.
• 28:01
  SPEAKER_01: Yes.
• 28:02
  SPEAKER_00: Because there is that conflict in our mind.
• 28:04
  SPEAKER_00: You know, there's the am I anxious or am excited?
• 28:07
  SPEAKER_00: Do I like being a mom or do I not like being a mom?
• 28:10
  SPEAKER_00: You know, am I a good person or a bad person?
• 28:12
  SPEAKER_00: Am I right?
• 28:13
  SPEAKER_00: This sort of it can be, it can feel we can feel crazy because we can feel like we have all these voices in our heads.
• 28:19
  SPEAKER_00: But I hear what I hear you saying is that the voices are not crazy.
• 28:24
  SPEAKER_00: That's right.
• 28:25
  SPEAKER_00: And that the remedy or the process is in letting each voice, each part be heard so that they can all settle down and stop like fighting for attention.
• 28:36
  SPEAKER_00: That's it.
• 28:37
  SPEAKER_00: You got it, you got it.
• 28:38
  SPEAKER_01: Beautiful recap.
• 28:40
  SPEAKER_01: And I just want to say one last thing to listeners.
• 28:42
  SPEAKER_01: I want to be really, really clear that I gave the most simple version of this, and there's some incredible books out there to learn.
• 28:50
  SPEAKER_01: There's tons of great podcasts, there's tons of providers.
• 28:53
  SPEAKER_01: This is this practice is really intended to do the work on yourself.
• 28:57
  SPEAKER_01: It's great to have a therapist and do it, learn it that way.
• 29:00
  SPEAKER_01: But the books are really helpful.
• 29:02
  SPEAKER_01: And if you Google Richard Schwartz and start to like learn about how to how to do it, it's just really accessible.
• 29:11
  SPEAKER_01: And I gave again, I didn't talk about so many things.
• 29:14
  SPEAKER_00: Well, we're trying to make the conversation accessible to people.
• 29:18
  SPEAKER_00: So I as we wrap up, are there is there a question or two that you could invite our listeners to consider that might help them begin to identify some of their different parts?
• 29:31
  SPEAKER_00: Sure.
• 29:31
  SPEAKER_01: I would say maybe after you listen to this, you can make a little map of yourself.
• 29:37
  SPEAKER_01: And so what I love to do is put a heart in the middle and then my name.
• 29:42
  SPEAKER_01: And then I just start to close my eyes and visualize like who's showing up.
• 29:47
  SPEAKER_01: And for me, I might have like, you know, the critical part or the the really quiet part or the procrastinator for sure, or you know, I'm not gonna get deep into all the parts, but you just start writing those words around your your little heart.
• 30:05
  SPEAKER_00: And no right word.
• 30:06
  SPEAKER_00: It can be anything anyone thinks of.
• 30:08
  SPEAKER_01: Anything.
• 30:10
  SPEAKER_01: I mean, it can it can be the angry part, it can be the over-exerciser, you know.
• 30:15
  SPEAKER_01: I mean, it can be anything.
• 30:16
  SPEAKER_01: And um you just start naming them and bringing them into the room and welcoming them.
• 30:22
  SPEAKER_00: And I love that they're in a heart because you're basically saying, Everyone's invited, everybody's invited.
• 30:28
  SPEAKER_01: And you know, the next thing I might do is visualize like pouring them each a cup of tea.
• 30:32
  SPEAKER_01: Because I love that.
• 30:33
  SPEAKER_00: I love that.
• 30:35
  SPEAKER_00: You know, I've said this to you before, but I think I love all your parts.
• 30:41
  SPEAKER_01: Thank you.
• 30:42
  SPEAKER_01: These are the crazy ones.
• 30:44
  SPEAKER_00: You are so I think I love all your parts.
• 30:46
  SPEAKER_01: I appreciate it.
• 30:47
  SPEAKER_01: All your parts are welcome here.
• 30:48
  SPEAKER_01: Thank you.
• 30:49
  SPEAKER_01: All your parts are welcome here too.
• 30:51
  SPEAKER_01: Thank you.
• 30:52
  SPEAKER_01: They really are because there's no bad part.
• 30:54
  SPEAKER_01: And that's actually one of Richard Schwartz's books, No Bad Parts.
• 30:58
  SPEAKER_01: I love that title because it's so true.
• 31:01
  SPEAKER_01: There really is no bad part of being a human.
• 31:04
  SPEAKER_01: So Hallelujah.
• 31:06
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, we just have to learn about them.
• 31:08
  SPEAKER_01: Now, parts, bad parts, parts can do bad things.
• 31:11
  SPEAKER_01: We're gonna edit that part out.
• 31:13
  SPEAKER_00: Well, we don't even need to because I think it goes back to what we're saying.
• 31:17
  SPEAKER_00: It's that the choices we make can be bad choices, right?
• 31:22
  SPEAKER_00: We can the the choices can be harmful, but the parts themselves and the feelings that we have, there is no problem there.
• 31:30
  SPEAKER_00: Yes, yeah, and it depends on who we're letting drive the car or run the show.
• 31:34
  SPEAKER_01: We want self to be driving the show.
• 31:36
  SPEAKER_01: Yes.
• 31:37
  SPEAKER_01: Driving the car.
• 31:38
  SPEAKER_01: And sometimes we might need the achiever to come in and do its job and then it goes and takes a rest.
• 31:44
  SPEAKER_00: Yes.
• 31:45
  SPEAKER_01: Right?
• 31:45
  SPEAKER_01: So we give these parts a job, but we we actually get to choose when they when they show up.
• 31:51
  SPEAKER_01: They're not the ones running the show.
• 31:53
  SPEAKER_00: Beautiful.
• 31:54
  SPEAKER_01: All right.
• 31:54
  SPEAKER_01: Thanks for listening.
• 31:56
  SPEAKER_01: Thanks for chatting.
• 31:57
  SPEAKER_01: Love ya.
• 31:58
  SPEAKER_01: I love you.
• 31:58
  SPEAKER_00: See you next week.
• 31:59
  unknown: Bye.
• 32:01
  SPEAKER_00: Hey listeners, we sure hope you enjoyed that episode.
• 32:05
  SPEAKER_00: And if you did, we would really love for you to share this with a friend.
• 32:11
  SPEAKER_00: So here's the deal: we're all in this together.
• 32:14
  SPEAKER_00: And as a community of moms, we need to make sure that no one is left alone.
• 32:20
  SPEAKER_00: So you can help us with that.
• 32:23
  SPEAKER_00: Please share this episode or other episodes that you found useful for you.
• 32:28
  SPEAKER_00: Please consider writing a review and rating this podcast because when you do, it actually makes it more accessible to other moms who might be looking for podcasts that they would also find useful.
• 32:39
  SPEAKER_00: So we are so grateful you're here.
• 32:42
  SPEAKER_00: And if you were interested in just taking a minute or two to share and rate and review, Deb and I would be so grateful.
• 32:51
  SPEAKER_00: Thank you for mothering with us.