Latest / She Rises with Ashy & Tijana / 166. Infidelity, Friendships & a Messed-Up Moral Compass: Is Girl Code Dead?

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166. Infidelity, Friendships & a Messed-Up Moral Compass: Is Girl Code Dead? · She Rises with Ashy & Tijana

0:05
Speaker 1: Appolgie production.
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Speaker 2: An easier advice.
0:12
Speaker 1: Are you okay? What happened?
0:13
Speaker 2: Promise it won't be too much?
0:16
Speaker 1: Bring it in.
0:17
Speaker 2: Welcome to our Bestie segment. This is the place for you.
0:27
Speaker 1: Hello everybody, Good morning, afternoon, evening, wherever you are. Welcome
0:30
Speaker 1: back to another Bestie segment. This is where you guys
0:31
Speaker 1: write in your anonymous submissions. We have no idea who's
0:34
Speaker 1: written in. If you have a story or a sticky situation,
0:37
Speaker 1: please bring in the link. You can message us on
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Speaker 1: Instagram or it's in our private Facebook forum which anyone
0:42
Speaker 1: can have access to. Just search to rises on Facebook.
0:44
Speaker 1: But today is it's a juicy one. It's a probably
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Speaker 1: triggering one about cheating girl code take it away.
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Speaker 3: Hey, girlies, my story is a big one, crazy and
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Speaker 3: whacked out life like a Home and a Week kind
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Speaker 3: of series. Can you do a chat about women who
0:58
Speaker 3: intentionally and consciously contribute to cheating with men who have
1:01
Speaker 3: young families and your thoughts on it? What would you
1:03
Speaker 3: do if you're connected or good friends with somebody who
1:06
Speaker 3: knowingly doesn't care what family or relationships they are contributing
1:09
Speaker 3: to breaking up and they still consciously choose to continue
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Speaker 3: with the betrayal. I'm really struggling with being the wife
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Speaker 3: and partner who was cheated on, and somehow I have
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Speaker 3: been labeled the monster for being so devastated that the
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Speaker 3: other woman has been labeled to a degree as the victim.
1:24
Speaker 2: Is this a big what the fuck moment in your opinion?
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Speaker 2: Or is it just me?
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Speaker 3: This girl also tried to befriend me and then chose
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Speaker 3: to continue trying to romance with my partner of eight
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Speaker 3: years who shares a house and children with me while
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Speaker 3: he was trying to save our family and denying their
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Speaker 3: quote unquote special friendship. Crazy and a little confusing. I'm
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Speaker 3: just finding the younger female generation so morally messed up
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Speaker 3: and do not care what damage they contribute to. I
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Speaker 3: also know it's one hundred percent on the man who's
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Speaker 3: partnered and who is betraying his family unit. But where
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Speaker 3: is the sisterhood, the girl power, and the moral compass.
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Speaker 3: I would love a girl chat about this topic if possible.
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Speaker 3: And this woman's friends, who are partnered and have young
2:00
Speaker 3: families of their own, still supported her, And I am
2:02
Speaker 3: getting the daggers as if I am the one who
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Speaker 3: is in the right big love, Oh.
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Speaker 1: My gosh, I'm so sorry you're experiencing that. Girl code
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Speaker 1: and sisterhood, just sister wounds are so prominent for a
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Speaker 1: lot of us. I was having this conversation with my
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Speaker 1: mum the other day about girl code and there's just
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Speaker 1: things that women know they just should not do. It's
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Speaker 1: really interesting that you're being made out to be the
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Speaker 1: villain in this. It is definitely not No.
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Speaker 3: People look at the person who is like the aggressor
2:30
Speaker 3: because they might be seeing it's the aggressor because you're
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Speaker 3: having an emotional reaction boom, but not paying attention to
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Speaker 3: the behavior that caused that reaction.
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Speaker 1: Right, You've taught me this really well, because I don't
2:40
Speaker 1: know what we were talking about. I think it was
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Speaker 1: intimate relationships. How we're talking about anxious attachment. But then
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Speaker 1: someone's behavior is activating the anxious yeah, and making you behave,
2:50
Speaker 1: not making you behave, But they made it worse because
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Speaker 1: they weren't creating a safe environment and reassuring your anxious attachment.
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Speaker 3: Yes, there's the like they trigger more anxiousness in you,
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Speaker 3: like the anxiousness can exist, but they then trigger the
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Speaker 3: behavior even more.
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Speaker 1: So, don't reassure you to help you through it.
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Speaker 2: Absolutely.
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Speaker 1: I believe in an intimate relate. This is going off topic,
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Speaker 1: but I do believe in intimate relationship. When you are
3:10
Speaker 1: committed to someone, their nervous system is fifty percent your responsibility.
3:14
Speaker 1: Why would you not want to take care of their
3:15
Speaker 1: nervous system? Anyways, back to the topic. This is definitely
3:19
Speaker 1: what the fuck moment. You have every right to feel angry, disappointed, upset,
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Speaker 1: and be questioning the moral composts of women. It blows
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Speaker 1: my mind that she one tried to befriend you. Was
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Speaker 1: that a sneaky tactic to get closer to your husband?
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Speaker 3: That's wild, that's wild to even think about.
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Speaker 1: I know we say never to use a word never,
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Speaker 1: but I just cannot imagine myself ever wanting to befriend
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Speaker 1: say you, to get to your heart. Like I couldn't
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Speaker 1: sleep at night.
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Speaker 2: It's just not something that you would do. It's not
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Speaker 2: even on your radar.
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Speaker 1: I could not sleep at night. I would look in
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Speaker 1: the mirror and be like, what the fuck are you
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Speaker 1: doing to this other woman and the family.
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Speaker 2: Like these kids involved too? Oh it is It's definitely
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Speaker 2: what the fuck moment?
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Speaker 3: And I think allow yourself to be so angry about
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Speaker 3: this and don't let anybody try to suppress your reactions.
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Speaker 2: Like, obviously there's a time and place.
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Speaker 3: And there's a way to handle things, but you're also
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Speaker 3: allowed to have your experience. And also it's a projection.
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Speaker 3: People are trying to tame your reaction because of something
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Speaker 3: that somebody else did, and if you constantly just keep
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Speaker 3: in the forefront of your mind like I am handling
4:12
Speaker 3: it this way because I was wrong done by your
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Speaker 3: emotional reaction is valid, but it's like, oh, yes, there's
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Speaker 3: a degree of like to what extent am I expressing
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Speaker 3: this And is that actually hurting you more than it's
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Speaker 3: doing any good? But that's a whole other conversation, Like
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Speaker 3: you're allowed to give yourself permission to really fell into
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Speaker 3: this because you were betrayed, and betrayal wounds are fucking
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Speaker 3: really heavy and hard to deal with. And I think
4:34
Speaker 3: when it comes to girl code, there's not a lot
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Speaker 3: of it because in my experience, at least women don't
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Speaker 3: trust other women. There is no sisterhood wounds because a
4:42
Speaker 3: lot of us grow up with these wounded relationships with
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Speaker 3: our mother that we don't feel safe with and that
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Speaker 3: we have now created this dynamic where we think that
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Speaker 3: women have ulterior motives. We don't trust other women, we
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Speaker 3: think that they're not safe. But that's because it's been
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Speaker 3: true for us. We've had multiple experiences, whether it's with
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Speaker 3: your mum, whether it's with your sisters or even girlfriends
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Speaker 3: who you've been betrayed by that create and perpetuate this
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Speaker 3: deeper wounds. So yeah, girl code is fucked, and I
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Speaker 3: feel like it's only something I'm learning now in these
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Speaker 3: last couple of years of my life how important girl
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Speaker 3: code actually is and reconnecting that bond with other women.
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Speaker 3: And it is hard, like it is hard to find
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Speaker 3: other women who are wanting to behave in the same
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Speaker 3: way that you are because everyone is so different. But yeah,
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Speaker 3: I think that the root of that problem is, like
5:28
Speaker 3: I think that women would be morally more grounded if
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Speaker 3: they felt safer with women in general.
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Speaker 1: Yeah, I agree. So has her husband likes confirmed he
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Speaker 1: did cheat on her with this other woman, I believe,
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Speaker 1: so yeah, oh man, we can't see her and say
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Speaker 1: what we would or wouldn't do because we're not in
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Speaker 1: your situation. But I think personally we have spoken about
5:48
Speaker 1: this in the podcast before. If Steve was to betray
5:51
Speaker 1: me like that, even if I wanted to forgive him,
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Speaker 1: I don't think I could ever fully let it go.
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Speaker 1: I think I would take responsibility for the marriage breakdown
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Speaker 1: and the relationship breakdown, because I don't think cheating is
6:01
Speaker 1: normally just like a one slip up. There's a lead
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Speaker 1: up of cracks, breakdowns, disconnection that normally leads to an
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Speaker 1: affair or a cheating scandal. So I would take reson spilly,
6:11
Speaker 1: but also don't think I would ever fully forgive him
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Speaker 1: doing that. So I think I would be removing myself
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Speaker 1: from that situation, away from this group of women, away
6:19
Speaker 1: from my husband. Obviously you've got a co parent. But
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Speaker 1: I just think I really value integrity, honesty, loyalty. Loyalty
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Speaker 1: is such a big value for me and you and
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Speaker 1: big one Steve and I did a relationship course on
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Speaker 1: the weekend and we wrote down our values and both
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Speaker 1: in the top three. Loyalty was up there. Yeah, it's
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Speaker 1: so important to me, And I just hope that you
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Speaker 1: know that you did not deserve this, and you deserve
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Speaker 1: to be chosen and not to be made out to
6:42
Speaker 1: be the villain, and you're allowed to feel how you're feeling.
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Speaker 1: You're allowed to be angry, definitely productive ways to do it,
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Speaker 1: and you're allowed to choose yourself first. You don't have
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Speaker 1: to be around these people that are treating you like this.
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Speaker 1: I really feel for what you're going through, and I'm
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Speaker 1: so sorry because, yeah, friendship and girl code and sisterhood
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Speaker 1: wounds are fucking hard.
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Speaker 3: And also as well, like if you feel deep down
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Speaker 3: and you know that this is wrong, you can trust that. Yeah,
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Speaker 3: like that intuitive feeling that Paul is there for a reason.
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Speaker 3: It's there to support you and guide you, and like
7:10
Speaker 3: you get to listen to yourself, and I know your
7:12
Speaker 3: environment right now is not making it easy for you
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Speaker 3: to do that, But like, just because there's outside noise
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Speaker 3: doesn't mean that what you feel isn't true. Because you
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Speaker 3: know that you've been betrayed, you know that somebody did
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Speaker 3: wrong by you, you know that there was like a
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Speaker 3: break of commitment in the relationship. And also the thing
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Speaker 3: that you get to now look at and what I
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Speaker 3: guess I would be kind of highlighting or paying attention to,
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Speaker 3: is the continued level of disrespect.
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Speaker 2: Yeah, it's not just right.
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Speaker 3: It's not like, oh, like my partner cheated, It's like, no, now,
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Speaker 3: this woman is trying to infiltrate my family unit. They
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Speaker 3: have a friendship to me, that is a fucking hard no,
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Speaker 3: like the fact that they even try and supporting it too.
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Speaker 3: But she even said, like their supposed friendship. I'm like,
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Speaker 3: what do you mean? In my eyes, I wouldn't allow that.
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Speaker 3: And also again, I can't say that that would be
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Speaker 3: true because I would never know until I'm in that position.
8:01
Speaker 3: But with the way that I feel about like what
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Speaker 3: you said, integrity, I'm like, I just can't imagine myself
8:06
Speaker 3: being like, oh, yeah, well they can still be friends.
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Speaker 2: I wouldn't trust it.
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Speaker 3: No, Wow, And the immediate thought in my head would
8:12
Speaker 3: be like, oh no, he's just going to do the
8:13
Speaker 3: same thing again.
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Speaker 1: Yeah, you know, betrayal, living your nervous system to be
8:17
Speaker 1: on all the time, worrying no, and also.
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Speaker 3: As well, you don't want to go to sleep a
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Speaker 3: nut and knowing the person you love or the person
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Speaker 3: you're supposed to trust the most betrayed you the most.
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Speaker 3: Like that's a hard pill to.
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Speaker 2: Swallow, a really hard pop.
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Speaker 3: It's like, you get to choose moving forward. And I
8:31
Speaker 3: know this is easier said than done, so just know
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Speaker 3: I say this with love, But you get to choose, like,
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Speaker 3: whether they disrespect you once yes, or they continue.
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Speaker 2: To disrespect you?
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Speaker 1: What are you going to allow?
8:40
Speaker 2: Where do you stand in this? What's your stance on
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Speaker 2: all of this?
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Speaker 1: I wonder where he's at too. Is he fully owning it?
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Speaker 1: Take responsibility? That's what he's gone again, like counseling you
8:49
Speaker 1: guys working out together. He has cut this woman out
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Speaker 1: of his life. He's like, no more.
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Speaker 3: You know, I want to make up for you know,
8:54
Speaker 3: like doing active steps too. He'll repair, rebond.
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Speaker 1: The relationship words are great and the words of informations girl,
9:00
Speaker 1: but without action and change behavior, it means nothing. I
9:05
Speaker 1: need to see one your willingness, what your plan is,
9:08
Speaker 1: and show up and show me that it's going to
9:10
Speaker 1: be different.
9:11
Speaker 3: Yeah, has your behavior actively changed from what happened now?
9:15
Speaker 3: Is there a significant difference in who you were then
9:17
Speaker 3: and how you were showing up now?
9:18
Speaker 2: Because that I'll believe.
9:20
Speaker 1: Yeah, And it's one of those choose your hard moments,
9:21
Speaker 1: because if he isn't doing all of that, it's like, yes,
9:24
Speaker 1: it's very hard to break up a family and co
9:26
Speaker 1: parent and have two house. I can't even begin to
9:29
Speaker 1: imagine how hard that'd be. And it will also be
9:31
Speaker 1: hard to go to sleep at night next to someone
9:32
Speaker 1: that has betrayed you and you're you're not feeling connected,
9:35
Speaker 1: you're not feeling safe, you're opening up your body he
9:36
Speaker 1: goes to work or wherever, and you don't trust him.
9:39
Speaker 1: That that sounds way harder to me. Yeah, I'd rather
9:41
Speaker 1: be fucking lonely and peaceful in my own home without
9:45
Speaker 1: him there than feel lonely and so disturbed and worried
9:49
Speaker 1: and anxious all the time and being under the same roof.
9:51
Speaker 3: As I love that. Love that you said that, because
9:53
Speaker 3: it is true. Like, imagine sitting and staying with somebody
9:56
Speaker 3: who has betrayed you in a way that is unforgivable,
9:59
Speaker 3: what that would do to your self worth because you're
10:01
Speaker 3: actively enough moment choosing that like, Okay, this behavior is okay.
10:06
Speaker 3: You know what this person did isn't that bad. And
10:09
Speaker 3: the more that you stay, I think the more that
10:10
Speaker 3: you have to make up reasons to justify what that
10:13
Speaker 3: person did to make it okay to stay. I think
10:16
Speaker 3: that's a really hard thing to sit with and a
10:17
Speaker 3: hard pill to swallow, because that in itself makes your
10:20
Speaker 3: self esteem go from all the way up here really
10:22
Speaker 3: confident woman to like plummet all the way down to
10:24
Speaker 3: the ground. Now all of a sudden, you're really anxious.
10:27
Speaker 3: You're wondering where he's going, what he's doing, what his
10:30
Speaker 3: other friendships are, Like every.
10:31
Speaker 1: Other girl feels like a threat. Oh that to me
10:34
Speaker 1: about this in a previous episode about cheating as well,
10:37
Speaker 1: it was only a couple of weeks ago, and how
10:39
Speaker 1: the other woman seems to get more of the blame. Yeah,
10:42
Speaker 1: feels like the men don't get away with it, but
10:44
Speaker 1: there's more focus on the woman. But I feel like
10:46
Speaker 1: this focus and also needs to be a lot on
10:48
Speaker 1: your husband. It's okay for you to feel angry and
10:50
Speaker 1: like the girl code one hundred percent, we've acknowledged all
10:52
Speaker 1: of that, but also your husband is the one that's
10:54
Speaker 1: fully committed to you. I feel like he needs to
10:57
Speaker 1: take so much responsibility for how this all happened, and
10:59
Speaker 1: also see the trauma that he's now created by his actions.
11:04
Speaker 1: And yeah, has he that girl out of his life?
11:06
Speaker 1: Blocked her on Instagram? Like, done everything he can to
11:09
Speaker 1: make sure you feel safe and secure to move forward
11:11
Speaker 1: if you're choosing to stay with him.
11:12
Speaker 3: To prove that he means business and he's serious about repairing. Yeah,
11:16
Speaker 3: I love that you brought that part up about the
11:18
Speaker 3: girl getting the more blame because like, of course it's
11:21
Speaker 3: going to be triggering.
11:22
Speaker 2: You can't see to blame her, but he's it a
11:23
Speaker 2: blame because in your.
11:24
Speaker 3: Head, you're like, I cannot comprehend somebody who is willing
11:28
Speaker 3: to do that, because you're probably sitting there thinking, I
11:30
Speaker 3: would never do that. I wouldn't want to break up
11:32
Speaker 3: a family. I couldn't imagine myself actively pursuing a man
11:35
Speaker 3: who's in a relationship with children. You know, So of
11:38
Speaker 3: course it's going to be triggering.
11:39
Speaker 1: But it's like you said, if you blame the woman,
11:42
Speaker 1: then you're just find your husband's almost a little bit
11:44
Speaker 1: innocent because you're choosing to stay with him. So you
11:46
Speaker 1: have to kind of paint a picture that is not
11:48
Speaker 1: as bad as what she was, that he's not as bad.
11:50
Speaker 1: But they both they both, Yeah, you did this. You
11:53
Speaker 1: have you need someone to blame. If you're the person
11:55
Speaker 1: who's been done wrong by there has to be a villain.
11:57
Speaker 2: Who's the villain? Yeah, the woman is easy to take
12:00
Speaker 2: it out on the girl.
12:01
Speaker 1: And don't get me.
12:01
Speaker 3: Wrong, like both parties are at fault and like both
12:04
Speaker 3: things need to you worked on. I think women need
12:06
Speaker 3: to be taught from a young age morals, integrity, doing
12:10
Speaker 3: the right thing right from wrong, actually learning how to
12:12
Speaker 3: trust women from a young age, and having safe relationships
12:15
Speaker 3: with women and then men on the other hand, Like,
12:17
Speaker 3: if you're going to be in a commitment.
12:19
Speaker 1: Oh so sorry you're going through though. It's tough, man,
12:21
Speaker 1: it's really tough. For sending you so much love. We
12:23
Speaker 1: hope this chat has helped you and just given you
12:25
Speaker 1: permission to be angry and just choose you take care
12:27
Speaker 1: of yourself.
12:28
Speaker 2: And like be okay.
12:29
Speaker 3: If you feel a little cutthroat in the way they
12:31
Speaker 3: behave around this, You're allowed to be. You're allowed to be.
12:33
Speaker 3: You're allowed to cut access if that doesn't feel right.
12:36
Speaker 3: If you feel betrayed and you need space, you can
12:38
Speaker 3: take space. Like give yourself permission to need and have
12:41
Speaker 3: whatever it is that you feel you need right now.
12:43
Speaker 1: I always think about situations like this when you're in it.
12:45
Speaker 1: It's obviously so much harder, but I always think about
12:48
Speaker 1: whatever situation I'm in, if my daughter was in this
12:51
Speaker 1: exact situation, what advice would I be giving her? If
12:55
Speaker 1: your daughter went through the exact situation you're in. Would
12:57
Speaker 1: you be encouraging her to stay, would you be encouraging
12:59
Speaker 1: her to stand up for herself? Would you be encouraging
13:02
Speaker 1: her to release her anger in a healthy way? Would
13:04
Speaker 1: you be telling her to supper and get angry or
13:06
Speaker 1: what advice would you give? That's the advice you need
13:08
Speaker 1: to give yourself. I shouldn't be different to what you
13:11
Speaker 1: would give your daughter. Absolutely, you are just as worthy
13:14
Speaker 1: of being treated right. You were just as worthy of
13:16
Speaker 1: self love, and you were just as worthy to have
13:18
Speaker 1: everything you desire and to be treated the way that
13:21
Speaker 1: you want to be treated, just like your daughter is.
13:22
Speaker 2: I love that?
13:23
Speaker 1: Yeah?
13:23
Speaker 3: And you know what, that is so powerful. If there's
13:25
Speaker 3: one thing that you take from this whole episode, let
13:27
Speaker 3: it be that. Because as she did this to me
13:29
Speaker 3: when I was getting ready to break up with my
13:31
Speaker 3: last partner, and she said the exact same thing to me,
13:33
Speaker 3: we sat in the car, side by side and we're
13:35
Speaker 3: looking at each other and she goes, tis, if it
13:37
Speaker 3: were me, what would you tell me to do?
13:39
Speaker 2: I fucking know what you would have told me to do.
13:41
Speaker 3: And I just like that moment, something in my brain
13:44
Speaker 3: switched and I was like, oh my god, like I'm
13:46
Speaker 3: actually not living to the standard that I would hold
13:49
Speaker 3: for everyone else in my life. Yeah, And I was like, yeah,
13:51
Speaker 3: like what you just said, you were deserving of that too.
13:53
Speaker 3: It'll be a game changer for you. It'll be hard,
13:56
Speaker 3: so hard, but it'll be the best thing they ever do.
13:58
Speaker 1: Definitely, Well, I love you, sending you lots of love
14:01
Speaker 1: and we're here if you need anything, if can always
14:03
Speaker 1: pop into my dmsen another submission.
14:05
Speaker 3: Absolutely, Bye guys, Bye,