Latest / She Rises with Ashy & Tijana / 103. Trust, Betrayal… and Family in the Middle

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103. Trust, Betrayal… and Family in the Middle · She Rises with Ashy & Tijana

• 0:05
  Speaker 1: Apoge production an easier advice. Are you okay? What happened?
• 0:14
  Speaker 1: Promise it won't be too much? Bring it in.
• 0:17
  Speaker 2: Welcome to our Bestie segment, Girl, this is the place
• 0:26
  Speaker 2: for you. Welcome back to She Rises with Ashi and Tiana.
• 0:29
  Speaker 2: This is our bestie segment now. If you haven't listened
• 0:32
  Speaker 2: to our Bestie segment before, this is all about answering
• 0:35
  Speaker 2: your anonymous questions that you might have for us because
• 0:38
  Speaker 2: you were needing and wanting some bestie advice. Now we
• 0:41
  Speaker 2: share our responses based on how we would respond to
• 0:44
  Speaker 2: each other if we came to each other with a problem.
• 0:47
  Speaker 2: So this is definitely your place, so take it away, Ash, What.
• 0:50
  Speaker 1: Have you got for us? Alrighty Profts Portrayal and Family
• 0:53
  Speaker 1: in the Middle is my old Today's episode. Here we
• 0:56
  Speaker 1: go friends getting romantically involved with family. My best friend
• 1:00
  Speaker 1: of twenty years very recently had a part of ten
• 1:03
  Speaker 1: years and two kids leave her. He'd been trying to
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  Speaker 1: leave her for years. It is an extremely toxic and
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  Speaker 1: emotionally abusive relationship. He moved on very quickly, and as
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  Speaker 1: soon as she found out, she begged him to come back,
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  Speaker 1: and then she asked for one of my family member's numbers,
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  Speaker 1: and I had a very honest conversation with her as
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  Speaker 1: she was broken and so were her kids, and I
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  Speaker 1: didn't want her to go out there with my family
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  Speaker 1: member for a distraction or rebound, as it would put
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  Speaker 1: me in an awkward position with my family member who'd
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  Speaker 1: been crushed by his ex and just started healing. She
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  Speaker 1: kept asking, and she promised she knew she wasn't ready
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  Speaker 1: for any kind of relationship, she would not go there
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  Speaker 1: and just wanted a friend, which was a lie. She
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  Speaker 1: very quickly used my family member as a rebound and distraction.
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  Speaker 1: I feel like the trust of our twenty year friendship
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  Speaker 1: is just wiped. And it's so hard because I know
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  Speaker 1: she's struggling and her kids are too, but I feel
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  Speaker 1: like she's really done the wrong thing by me, even
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  Speaker 1: though I specifically made her aware of how I felt.
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  Speaker 1: Am I in the wrong for feeling like I almost
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  Speaker 1: don't want to be friends with her anymore?
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  Speaker 2: Ooh, I don't think that you're in the wrong for
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  Speaker 2: feeling how you feel.
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  Speaker 1: No, never, I think that your.
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  Speaker 2: Feelings are valid, and I think obviously there's some level
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  Speaker 2: of betrayal here, Like fresh friend, Yeah, and you wanted
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  Speaker 2: to protect your family member from potentially being hurt, and
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  Speaker 2: you knew the place that she was in mentally and emotionally.
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  Speaker 2: So I don't think that you're necessarily in the wrong. No,
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  Speaker 2: how you feel is so so valid. However, when I
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  Speaker 2: think about it, I don't think that this is worth
• 2:24
  Speaker 2: throwing away a twenty year friendship if this person is
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  Speaker 2: really important to you, and I think only you will
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  Speaker 2: know how that feels like. Twenty years, Yes, is a
• 2:31
  Speaker 2: long time, but it's not about the how long. It's
• 2:33
  Speaker 2: about how deep the relationship is, how important the friendship
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  Speaker 2: is to you. I think that that's what matters. And
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  Speaker 2: I think, for the most part, most things nine times
• 2:42
  Speaker 2: out of ten can be communicated through I think so true.
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  Speaker 2: And it's clear that you're hurt. It's clear that you
• 2:48
  Speaker 2: feel hurt by her decision that she didn't listen. There's
• 2:50
  Speaker 2: so many layers to this for you because it involves
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  Speaker 2: two people that you love.
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  Speaker 1: Yeah, you're in the middle.
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  Speaker 2: You're in the middle of it, and you tried to
• 2:57
  Speaker 2: prevent it from happening and it still happened anyway. So
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  Speaker 2: I think, again, you're not in the wrong for how
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  Speaker 2: you feel. But what I would suggest is like having
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  Speaker 2: that conversation, communicating everything that's coming up for you, all
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  Speaker 2: of the ways that you feel hurt, where you're at,
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  Speaker 2: and why you're feeling like you need to lean out
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  Speaker 2: from the friendship right now. Do I think it's worth
• 3:16
  Speaker 2: ending a friendship? No, I don't, But that's my personal
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  Speaker 2: opinion based on how strong my personal friendships are.
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  Speaker 1: Yeah, you know, I agree with everything that you've said.
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  Speaker 1: I also think it's very valid that you were concerned
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  Speaker 1: for your family member and didn't want it to go ahead,
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  Speaker 1: and it concerned you and you knew where your friend
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  Speaker 1: was at and you didn't want anyone getting hurt. But
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  Speaker 1: we're talking with grown people here, so your family member
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  Speaker 1: and your friend, regardless of how you feel, they are
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  Speaker 1: totally responsible for making their own decisions. Even if you
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  Speaker 1: had to voice that and they still went ahead with it.
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  Speaker 1: This isn't on you. They need to go on their
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  Speaker 1: own journey. And if she has used him and he's
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  Speaker 1: allowed that and he's entertained that, or he hasn't got
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  Speaker 1: to know her and you know they've just had a time,
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  Speaker 1: that's their journey. Allow them to do their thing, and
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  Speaker 1: you get on the sideline and have your opinion and
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  Speaker 1: have your feelings about it, but then the day it's
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  Speaker 1: their life, it's not how you would show up maybe,
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  Speaker 1: and that's okay. We ech everyone does things differently, and
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  Speaker 1: also we just can't judge what someone else is doing
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  Speaker 1: when we haven't walked in their shoes. You know, I
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  Speaker 1: think rebounds. I mean, i haven't been single for a
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  Speaker 1: very long time, but I'm assuming rebounds have their time
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  Speaker 1: and place. Yeah, sometimes it is company. Sometimes it is
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  Speaker 1: you're both growing through stuff and your trouble bonding for
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  Speaker 1: the moment and it gets you through that season, and
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  Speaker 1: that's beautiful and okay as well, Like I've had friends
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  Speaker 1: that have gone through breakups and they've had someone there
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  Speaker 1: that's just been company and someone to hold them, and
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  Speaker 1: they've learned lots about each other, and then they've gone
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  Speaker 1: their own ways as they move on to the next chapter.
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  Speaker 1: And I don't judge that either. So I think as
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  Speaker 1: much as you've got feelings around it, I wouldn't be
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  Speaker 1: throwing the friendship away. I'd be having a big conversation
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  Speaker 1: about it. And also just like I would let go
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  Speaker 1: of the need to try to control the outcome and
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  Speaker 1: the situation of your family member and your friend and
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  Speaker 1: just let them do their things. Yeah, it's gonna love it,
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  Speaker 1: whether it's gonna blow up or it's going to work
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  Speaker 1: or whatever.
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  Speaker 2: And it's not your responsibility.
• 4:58
  Speaker 1: It's not your responsibility, and you can't control it. They've
• 5:00
  Speaker 1: grown as well, not your circus, not your monkeys.
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  Speaker 2: Surely they are your monkeys, but yes, we just.
• 5:06
  Speaker 1: Have to let go of some things that we can't control. Like,
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  Speaker 1: we all have people in our lives, whether it's your kids,
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  Speaker 1: or your friends or your partner, and they do shit
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  Speaker 1: and you're like, why I wouldn't do that, you know,
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  Speaker 1: and let them to them, or like you shouldn't be
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  Speaker 1: doing that. You're saying that based on your own experiences
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  Speaker 1: and values and beliefs, and which's okay to have those.
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  Speaker 1: You know.
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  Speaker 2: What's interesting as well as somebody who has been through
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  Speaker 2: the whole like done the whole rebound thing quote unquote
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  Speaker 2: rebound thing. It's interesting because anytime that I have shared
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  Speaker 2: time with somebody, it has taught me so much about myself.
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  Speaker 1: Yeah, they're for a reason, taught me so much.
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  Speaker 2: About myself, about life, about a future partner that I
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  Speaker 2: want to attract about that person. I feel like everyone
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  Speaker 2: comes into your life for a reason, even if it's
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  Speaker 2: just for a really short season. It doesn't matter what
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  Speaker 2: it is. And whether for her it was company support,
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  Speaker 2: emotional support. Maybe she leant on him for emotional support.
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  Speaker 1: You don't know what it.
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  Speaker 2: Was that really. Maybe it was just that okay, Maybe
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  Speaker 2: that's where they were both at, and that's also okay too.
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  Speaker 2: But I feel like it depends how you label it,
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  Speaker 2: because how you label it is how you're going to
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  Speaker 2: perceive it. You know, if for you, you know immediately
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  Speaker 2: there was language in there of like, oh, she lied
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  Speaker 2: to me, she did this, assuming that she had bad intentions.
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  Speaker 2: If she's been your friend for twenty years, I don't
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  Speaker 2: think that she's got bad don't you.
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  Speaker 1: And if she's going through a breakup and so emotionally
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  Speaker 1: like going through a lot, she might be a little
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  Speaker 1: bit in her own head too, and you trying to
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  Speaker 1: survive and get validation and feel loved and feel worthy
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  Speaker 1: of someone being interested in her.
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  Speaker 2: And I don't think it's a reflection of your relationship
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  Speaker 2: or the way that she feels towards you.
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  Speaker 1: I don't know. I just think with every situation, the
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  Speaker 1: older I get, the more I just try not to
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  Speaker 1: assume the worst of someone and try to understand where
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  Speaker 1: they may be at and look at all the options,
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  Speaker 1: because you don't actually know until you're in their shoes.
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  Speaker 1: But if you straight away assume the worst and attach
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  Speaker 1: a story that they've lied to you, they've betrayed you,
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  Speaker 1: they've done this wrong. Yeah, they've got bad intentions, they
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  Speaker 1: don't care about me, Like it's not always the truth.
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  Speaker 1: But then you're gonna it's gonna affect your relationship.
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  Speaker 2: No, wonder why you don't want to be friends anymore,
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  Speaker 2: you know what I mean. Story you've made that's the story,
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  Speaker 2: and you'll never really know her intentions until you have
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  Speaker 2: that conversation with her about Hey, I want to understand
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  Speaker 2: where you're at. You know, I did try to pre
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  Speaker 2: warn you, But what I do want to know is
• 7:05
  Speaker 2: is like where your head was at? Like what was
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  Speaker 2: it for you?
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  Speaker 1: Like? Was it just sexy? However it wow? Where does
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  Speaker 1: this go from here?
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  Speaker 2: How do you feel about where you're at in your
• 7:13
  Speaker 2: own head, in your own journey? Like if you come
• 7:16
  Speaker 2: in with curiosity, I think you'll get a very different
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  Speaker 2: outcome than you anticipate, and you might be surprised, Like
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  Speaker 2: what that conversation opens up for the both of you.
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  Speaker 1: The curiosity is everything. Yeah, go in with all your
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  Speaker 1: weapons and you did this. You shouldn't have done that.
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  Speaker 1: I'm disappointed you've lied, and like coming out her, she's
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  Speaker 1: just gonna get on the defense. She's not gonna feel
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  Speaker 1: safe with you. She don't how to tell you anything.
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  Speaker 1: In future that goes on, You're going to feel like
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  Speaker 1: there's more lies and betrayal go on with curiosity and
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  Speaker 1: just like the intention to connect and understand. And at
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  Speaker 1: the end of the day, this is like your friendship
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  Speaker 1: should be the most important thing. So it's like, what
• 7:48
  Speaker 1: do you have to do to protect that and get
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  Speaker 1: that back connected? That's a good about their situation. It's
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  Speaker 1: like how do we protect us?
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  Speaker 2: How do how do we repair this?
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  Speaker 1: For me, like, I'm just thinking that was me and
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  Speaker 1: you like that would be my biggest priority is making
• 8:00
  Speaker 1: sure that we're all good. I want you to feel
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  Speaker 1: her understood. I want you to know that you can
• 8:04
  Speaker 1: come to me with all of it, even if it's
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  Speaker 1: not quote unquote right what I would do. I still
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  Speaker 1: want you to come and say, fuck, I've done this, babe.
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  Speaker 1: I know I said I wouldn't, but in the moment,
• 8:11
  Speaker 1: like it met this need and I've learned this now
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  Speaker 1: and like you know, messed up or have conversations.
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  Speaker 2: Yeah, we're talking then communication is everything. Yeah, I can't
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  Speaker 2: say that enough. And if you haven't had the conversation,
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  Speaker 2: I think it's too soon to judge whether you don't
• 8:25
  Speaker 2: want to be her friend or not. Twenty years twenty
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  Speaker 2: is a long time. You know, it's worth having the conversation,
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  Speaker 2: it really is.
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  Speaker 1: It's important, but going with curiosity, really regulate yourself, like
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  Speaker 1: calm your body down, even like map out in your
• 8:35
  Speaker 1: note section the points that you want to bring up. Yeah,
• 8:38
  Speaker 1: I plan it got chucked into chatchipoutines. They can you
• 8:40
  Speaker 1: advise me, like how I can approach this in a kind, respectful,
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  Speaker 1: curious way and or give you prompts like there's a
• 8:45
  Speaker 1: way as you can do this in a really beautiful way. Yeah,
• 8:49
  Speaker 1: oh could love an update. Let's know how a conversation goes,
• 8:51
  Speaker 1: even if it's not publicly. You can drop into our
• 8:53
  Speaker 1: DMS or you can write it an ominously.
• 8:55
  Speaker 2: Good luck with it all and just get curious, have
• 8:59
  Speaker 2: an open mind and remember like what this is actually about,
• 9:02
  Speaker 2: which is about the friendship. Yeah, it's not about what
• 9:04
  Speaker 2: she chose, her behavior, what she did, what triggered you,
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  Speaker 2: Like I mean, there's definitely some work there to do
• 9:09
  Speaker 2: and like what specifically triggered you about it. That's definitely
• 9:12
  Speaker 2: worth exploring. But right now I think the main priority
• 9:15
  Speaker 2: is like protecting the friendship.
• 9:16
  Speaker 1: One more thing too, Like it's so easy and we
• 9:18
  Speaker 1: all do it like I've been used to. It was
• 9:20
  Speaker 1: too like I would never do that, Oh my gosh,
• 9:21
  Speaker 1: like I've said to myself in the past, now, like
• 9:23
  Speaker 1: get off your high horse. Ash Like you think you
• 9:25
  Speaker 1: never made a mistake, You've never hurt someone, You've never lied,
• 9:28
  Speaker 1: you've never betrayed someone.
• 9:29
  Speaker 2: Never did something for personal gain or literally feel comfortable a.
• 9:32
  Speaker 1: Validate ever being selfish. Of course you have.
• 9:34
  Speaker 2: I tried to get someone's attention before.
• 9:36
  Speaker 1: Literally It's like I'm not saying for you to get
• 9:38
  Speaker 1: off your high horse. But I say that to myself
• 9:39
  Speaker 1: sometimes because it just brings me back down to like
• 9:41
  Speaker 1: we're all living life for the first time. We're all
• 9:44
  Speaker 1: trying to navigate this. We all don't know how the
• 9:46
  Speaker 1: other person's feeling and their exact experience. If we can
• 9:48
  Speaker 1: all just come to get the collectively communicate with curiosity, kindness,
• 9:52
  Speaker 1: and respect. The whole outcome and result would be ten
• 9:55
  Speaker 1: times better. Yeah, yeah, absolutely all right. I would love
• 9:59
  Speaker 1: an update. Please bring it in otherwise I'll see you
• 10:01
  Speaker 1: tomorrow for Wednesday's episode. Bye.