Latest / LIFE Podcast with Dr. C / The Science of Couple Wellness: Dopamine, Oxytocin, & Date Nights

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The Science of Couple Wellness: Dopamine, Oxytocin, & Date Nights · LIFE Podcast with Dr. C

• 0:05
  Dr C: Hello and welcome back to a live podcast.
• 0:07
  Dr C: I'm your host, Dr.
• 0:08
  Dr C: C, and this is my co-host for today's very special edition of Hanging with the Coopers.
• 0:14
  Rod: Hello, they call me Dr.
• 0:15
  Rod: C's hubby.
• 0:16
  Rod: Glad to be here.
• 0:17
  Rod: Let's get the show rolling.
• 0:20
  Dr C: So today we're diving into a highly requested topic.
• 0:23
  Dr C: When people think about couple wellness or escaping relationship burnout, they immediately picture like a luxurious, like weeklong, extravagant trip.
• 0:35
  Dr C: But today, the hubby and I are gonna be talking about how social wellness is built into our everyday through staycations, local events, and most importantly, intentional regular date nights.
• 0:51
  Dr C: Welcome back to the mic.
• 0:53
  Dr C: We're gonna get started here pretty quickly.
• 0:55
  Dr C: So I have a couple questions for you.
• 0:56
  Dr C: Are you ready?
• 0:57
  Dr C: I'm ready.
• 0:58
  Dr C: All right.
• 0:58
  Dr C: So we're giving you our perspective of things that work for us, and then we're gonna ground that in research and give you some actual strategies that you might want to try in your relationships.
• 1:08
  Dr C: Alright.
• 1:09
  Dr C: So for those of you that don't know, Rod and I have been married for nine years, and the absolute best part of our journey, I would say, is that we truly enjoy each other as humans.
• 1:18
  Dr C: The good, the bad, and the extremely grumpy.
• 1:21
  Dr C: Can you imagine who the grumpy person is?
• 1:23
  Dr C: I.
• 1:28
  Rod: I can imagine.
• 1:31
  Dr C: That was unanimous.
• 1:32
  Dr C: I get hangry and I can get very grumpy when I don't eat.
• 1:37
  Dr C: So that part.
• 1:39
  Dr C: Anyways, so today we're sharing why intentionally scheduling your social wellness is critical to your relationships.
• 1:47
  Dr C: And we actually just came back from one today.
• 1:50
  Dr C: We were at the Irving Place.
• 1:51
  Dr C: There was a brunch with live music at a local Speakeasy.
• 1:56
  Dr C: It was pretty phenomenal.
• 1:58
  Rod: First time seeing that particular event put together, and we had a blast.
• 2:03
  Rod: We knew we would.
• 2:04
  Dr C: Yeah.
• 2:04
  Dr C: We even got some dancing in.
• 2:06
  Rod: A little Southside.
• 2:06
  Rod: I can do a little something.
• 2:08
  Dr C: A little Southside.
• 2:08
  Dr C: Thank you to Ray Myolis, which is your curator of Irving Place.
• 2:12
  Dr C: If you haven't checked it out, please look him up on Facebook and get there.
• 2:16
  Dr C: It is an experience.
• 2:18
  Rod: For those in the local area, we believe you'll enjoy yourself.
• 2:21
  Dr C: Totally different.
• 2:22
  Dr C: Like, I don't think there's anything like that in Rochester right now.
• 2:25
  Rod: Exactly.
• 2:26
  Dr C: In that way.
• 2:27
  Dr C: So even if it's date at home, just us hanging out in our cave, which we call the flip side, which is where we are today.
• 2:35
  Rod: A custom built bar that we uh had done some years ago.
• 2:39
  Rod: Yeah.
• 2:39
  Rod: And everything we could need to make it a hangout, cozy spot.
• 2:42
  Dr C: So that we could enjoy ourselves.
• 2:43
  Dr C: It's just a it's almost like an oasis for us.
• 2:46
  Dr C: I would say a getaway from getting away from our own house, which is really interesting, right?
• 2:50
  Dr C: Like is when you come down here, you're like in a totally different place.
• 2:54
  Rod: Exactly.
• 2:54
  Dr C: Yeah.
• 2:55
  Rod: Without leaving.
• 2:56
  Dr C: And we were intentional about this space down here.
• 2:58
  Dr C: Let's talk about a little bit about that.
• 3:00
  Rod: Well, we knew we wanted to have something that we could share.
• 3:04
  Rod: I hear a lot of guys talk about a man cave.
• 3:07
  Rod: Yeah.
• 3:07
  Rod: I've got a we cave or an us cave because I share it.
• 3:11
  Rod: And but we'll do our sports down here.
• 3:13
  Rod: We'll watch movies, we'll come hang out, have a refreshment at the bar.
• 3:18
  Rod: I am your bartender on most occasions.
• 3:20
  Dr C: Local friendly bartender.
• 3:21
  Rod: Always ready.
• 3:22
  Rod: Um, this is a nice space for us, for even when we are here and staying at home, to just chill and put it on a on another level in terms of the vibe.
• 3:31
  Dr C: Let me ask you like, how does putting a date night on the calendar keep us from turning into like two glorified roommates that argue over who loaded the dishwasher wrong?
• 3:40
  Rod: Well, first of all, I don't think we're going to argue about who loads the dishwasher because I do that and it's all good.
• 3:45
  Rod: That's one of my responsibilities.
• 3:46
  Rod: So I really don't, she doesn't have to do all that much.
• 3:50
  Rod: But when we have something, I know.
• 3:53
  Rod: When we have something on the calendar though, for me, it's like after all the work-related stuff all day, all the meetings, all the events, uh, responsibilities, you see something on the on the clock for like 5 30 or 6 o'clock or whatever it is we're doing on that particular night.
• 4:07
  Rod: It's definitely something that we look forward to and something that, again, we're very intentional about.
• 4:12
  Rod: And I think we have to have to be.
• 4:13
  Rod: It breaks up the week, it breaks up the day, up the day, it gives us something fun and energizing to look forward to.
• 4:20
  Rod: And we always have a blast when we're out.
• 4:22
  Dr C: I agree.
• 4:23
  Dr C: I think it sets like this anticipation, right?
• 4:26
  Dr C: This countdown that we do a lot.
• 4:28
  Dr C: So whenever me and Rod have anything scheduled or planned, we have countdowns.
• 4:32
  Dr C: Even if it's like, let's say today's Sunday and we know on Thursday we're gonna go to a cigar lounge or catch a movie or whatever we're gonna do, four days to the date night, right?
• 4:42
  Dr C: We just we count it down.
• 4:43
  Dr C: And that has been really great for me because I'll tell you, I think one of the things that has drastically changed for me is my mindset, right?
• 4:51
  Dr C: I had a very fixed mindset, thinking like things were so concrete.
• 4:56
  Dr C: And for a long time it was a negative lens, a negative lens too.
• 5:00
  Dr C: In our relationship, one of the things that I've learned that I'm grateful for is that there's a celebration in every moment of your day.
• 5:07
  Dr C: You just have to look for it, and so we celebrate everything.
• 5:12
  Rod: It's more than just our stuff, if you will.
• 5:16
  Rod: We'll celebrate other people and their accomplishments.
• 5:19
  Rod: And for our friends and family who are out there, if it's their birthday, they might not physically be here, but we'll be like, hey, it's cousin so-and-so's birthday today.
• 5:27
  Rod: Yes, hey, raise a glass.
• 5:29
  Dr C: That is facts.
• 5:30
  Rod: That is so we incorporate friends, family, loved ones, yeah, and we'll celebrate any accomplishment from anybody in our entire village.
• 5:37
  Dr C: It's a reason to be happy, it's a reason to be happy.
• 5:40
  Dr C: Um we celebrate even not having to leave the house.
• 5:45
  Rod: Right.
• 5:46
  Dr C: Wait a minute, we don't gotta go anywhere today, we get to stay home all day, and we're like little kids, yay!
• 5:52
  Rod: When we get a free weekend, it's on.
• 5:56
  Dr C: So and it's even interesting because studies from the National Marriage Project show that couples who dedicate regular weekly time to each other are three and a half times more likely to classify their marriages as very happy.
• 6:11
  Dr C: That's amazing, right?
• 6:12
  Dr C: Compared to those that don't spend time together.
• 6:16
  Dr C: And then people would say, well, that makes sense, right?
• 6:17
  Dr C: The more time you spend together, the more you get to know each other, the more in sync you become, and you get to learn each other's quirks.
• 6:24
  Dr C: Um so one of the strategies would be like to do a calendar sync.
• 6:28
  Dr C: So how do we how do we sync our calendars?
• 6:31
  Rod: Well, we invite each other to the events that are that are forthcoming.
• 6:35
  Rod: A physical invitation, a physical invitation on your calendar that you need to accept from the other person, and then it's on your calendar.
• 6:42
  Rod: If that's what you use, it's on your calendar like every other commitment you have for the day.
• 6:47
  Rod: And that's our best way of not only staying organized and staying on top of things, but as I said a minute ago, having something to look forward to.
• 6:55
  Rod: So it's not official.
• 6:56
  Rod: These events don't become official until we say, Did you put it on the calendar?
• 7:00
  Rod: Did you send the invitation?
• 7:02
  Rod: And I think we've gotten really good with that.
• 7:04
  Dr C: We've gotten really good with that.
• 7:05
  Dr C: We used to talk a lot.
• 7:07
  Dr C: We could do, we should do, we gotta do, and and it never really materialized.
• 7:12
  Dr C: And then we would like to stumble onto a good time, right?
• 7:15
  Dr C: Be like, oh, that was really fun.
• 7:16
  Dr C: We should do that again.
• 7:17
  Dr C: So we definitely got better at inviting each other, putting it on the calendar, making it intentional.
• 7:23
  Dr C: So that's really worked out really well.
• 7:25
  Dr C: And I would say plan a specific activity, right?
• 7:27
  Dr C: So make sure that you're intentional, even about what you're going to do during your time together, so you don't end up getting on your phone, scrolling, whatever it is, and you miss out.
• 7:36
  Dr C: So you're still in the same house together, but you're not intentionally connecting.
• 7:40
  Dr C: Correct.
• 7:40
  Dr C: And I think that's something that we've been intentional about because it's very easy to get into a routine, and then you're just like two ships passing in the night, and you're not necessarily enjoying and getting to know each other.
• 7:52
  Rod: Agreed.
• 7:52
  Rod: And I think with folks who are both working and busy, I have to also acknowledge there's really not that many hours in the day in the first place that you have available post-work, before bed, and it's a few hours.
• 8:06
  Dr C: Very few hours.
• 8:07
  Rod: Make them count.
• 8:08
  Dr C: So I think for someone who goes to bed early, like me.
• 8:13
  Rod: Everybody knows that.
• 8:14
  Rod: This it doesn't say news flash up there, I don't think.
• 8:16
  Rod: Breaking news, breaking news or whatever they say.
• 8:19
  Rod: This we call her Miss 8 p.m.
• 8:22
  Dr C: So true.
• 8:23
  Dr C: So true.
• 8:24
  Dr C: If you call me after eight or text me after eight, you're probably gonna get an early morning text back.
• 8:30
  Dr C: So PSA.
• 8:32
  Rod: There it is.
• 8:33
  Dr C: So we know also that social wellness, right, isn't just about the two of us in a vacuum, although those are very fun times and we enjoy that.
• 8:41
  Dr C: It's also about the energy we share in the community and with our loved ones.
• 8:46
  Dr C: And we love going to events, shows, comedy shows, live events, concerts, going to support our friends and family when they're having events.
• 8:54
  Dr C: And we have been to a lot of shows together, a lot of experiences, events together.
• 9:00
  Rod: And we look forward to what's next.
• 9:02
  Rod: We actually keep a calendar of sorts just for our travel and events and things of that nature.
• 9:09
  Rod: So trying to mix it all in in the name of having a great time and enjoying each other.
• 9:15
  Rod: So much negativity, so much to worry about, so much pressure.
• 9:19
  Rod: We are choosing another path.
• 9:22
  Dr C: I would agree.
• 9:22
  Dr C: How does getting out and experiencing live entertainment keep our shared energy up?
• 9:27
  Dr C: What do you think that does for us?
• 9:29
  Rod: Well, live entertainment for us found out a long time ago that we both love music and we both love comedy.
• 9:34
  Rod: Yes.
• 9:35
  Rod: And I think both of those acts and performances are best enjoyed live.
• 9:40
  Rod: You can watch them on TV, you can watch them on a movie screen, whatever it is.
• 9:44
  Rod: But being live for a comedy show or being live for a music concert, musical concert, that was just nothing like it.
• 9:50
  Rod: So the energy is different, the people, the energy of the people is different, and we just get out and have a blast.
• 9:56
  Rod: We saw Anthony Hamilton and Fantasia recently.
• 9:58
  Rod: Oh, that was amazing.
• 9:59
  Rod: And what about the notion that if people aren't able to necessarily travel or do a lot of these costly kinds of things in some ways?
• 10:07
  Dr C: Well, the beauty is that staycations are always a great thing, right?
• 10:10
  Dr C: You can go out locally and not spend any money.
• 10:12
  Rod: Exactly.
• 10:13
  Dr C: Except for gas to get there, or Uber if you don't want to take your car or don't have a car.
• 10:17
  Rod: I think most cities and geographic areas have some listing or websites or whatever.
• 10:24
  Rod: If you Google free fun things to do in my local area, you're gonna find some really great ideas and folks just have to get out and experience it, right?
• 10:34
  Dr C: I agree.
• 10:34
  Dr C: So, neurologically speaking, so here's where the science is really interesting for me.
• 10:39
  Dr C: Experiencing new and exciting fun activities together triggers the release of dopamine and oxytocin in the brain.
• 10:46
  Dr C: That is the same exact cocktail of neurochemicals that flooded our systems during the early dating phase of our relationship.
• 10:56
  Dr C: So think of that, right?
• 10:58
  Dr C: We are getting that dopamine and oxytocin hit that we used to get when we first started dating, that when we first started getting to know each other and how exciting that is.
• 11:08
  Dr C: They say that after you're married, like, oh, it's never the same.
• 11:12
  Dr C: And people are right, it's not the same because you're evolving and you're going through a journey, you're getting to know the person better, right?
• 11:19
  Dr C: The good, the bad, the grumpy, whatever the head is.
• 11:22
  Dr C: But the idea is that you're evolving together.
• 11:24
  Dr C: So think of that whenever you're like, man, I feel so disconnected.
• 11:28
  Dr C: I feel like it's not the same, that spark isn't there anymore.
• 11:32
  Dr C: Start really being intentional about your time together.
• 11:34
  Dr C: Schedule that date.
• 11:36
  Dr C: And the strategy would also be is to tag team.
• 11:40
  Dr C: So we're still working on this.
• 11:42
  Dr C: So I would encourage you all to think about how you look at that planning process.
• 11:48
  Dr C: It could be really fun together as well.
• 11:50
  Dr C: And we talk about what we want to do, we look it up online.
• 11:53
  Dr C: I'm more spontaneous.
• 11:55
  Dr C: Rob is more of a planner.
• 11:57
  Dr C: And so there were a lot of times at the beginning of our relationship where I was like, you want to do something crazy?
• 12:05
  Rod: Okay.
• 12:05
  Dr C: So there was a lot of push-pull at the beginning.
• 12:08
  Dr C: Understand our personalities and what we prefer and how like what our quirks were.
• 12:13
  Dr C: And I think we got really good at that planning and very good.
• 12:18
  Dr C: And really good at knowing what the other person wants.
• 12:21
  Rod: No, I just say yes to everything.
• 12:23
  Dr C: No, he doesn't.
• 12:24
  Dr C: No, he doesn't.
• 12:25
  Dr C: A lot of things that he used to say no to.
• 12:27
  Dr C: He says yes to now, but no, he doesn't say no to everything.
• 12:31
  Rod: Oh, don't say yes to everything.
• 12:32
  Rod: Close.
• 12:33
  Dr C: Oh no.
• 12:34
  Dr C: You say no to everything, you say you don't say yes to everything.
• 12:37
  Rod: I try to say yes to everything.
• 12:38
  Dr C: He does.
• 12:39
  Dr C: He's more of a yeser.
• 12:41
  Rod: Yes, sir.
• 12:42
  Dr C: Yes, sir.
• 12:42
  Dr C: Doesn't sound right.
• 12:45
  Dr C: So you talked about like knowing when it's time to leave an event.
• 12:53
  Dr C: So the other thing is a big part of social wellness is how you interact with your extended circles.
• 12:58
  Dr C: And um, we did not manage that well at the beginning because I would be ready to leave, and Rod would be like, Why?
• 13:04
  Dr C: You want to leave now?
• 13:05
  Dr C: Like, it's popping.
• 13:07
  Dr C: And you want to leave?
• 13:10
  Dr C: So I think that we also had to understand like our each other's limits and ensure that our wellness, our we wellness and peace always comes first.
• 13:22
  Speaker: I think it's just looking at each other in the moment, understanding are we how are we flowing?
• 13:27
  Speaker: What are we feeling like?
• 13:28
  Speaker: What's the energy in the event?
• 13:30
  Speaker: And what are we bringing to it?
• 13:33
  Speaker: We like to dance, we like to do line dance, we like to do all that fun stuff.
• 13:37
  Speaker: That fits in, but if it's not that event and it's getting later in the night, well, we can look at each other and yeah, just figure it out, and then we head out with no regrets.
• 13:48
  Speaker: Catch them the next time.
• 13:50
  Dr C: Catch you the next time.
• 13:51
  Dr C: So when you think about the science behind it, psychologically, right?
• 13:56
  Dr C: Establishing clear boundaries reduces the production of cortisol, which we all want to eliminate because that is our primary stress hormone.
• 14:05
  Dr C: So when your partner is attuned to your social battery in a crowded room, your nervous system actually regulates faster because you feel safe.
• 14:14
  Dr C: So what's uh what's the strategy for that?
• 14:18
  Speaker: Just understanding the expectation on the way in.
• 14:20
  Speaker: Again, and a lot of it is what do we have to do the next day?
• 14:24
  Speaker: If it's a weeknight event, well, there's gonna be some limits on how long you're gonna be there.
• 14:28
  Speaker: And you might want to talk about that before you go in.
• 14:31
  Speaker: What's the calendar look like?
• 14:32
  Speaker: Set up so set up those expectations before you arrive.
• 14:36
  Dr C: So looking back at our journey together, right?
• 14:38
  Dr C: How has this intentionality allowed us to evolve?
• 14:42
  Dr C: Do you think?
• 14:44
  Speaker: Yeah, I think it's just whatever comes up in terms of ideas or suggestions, it's for our enjoyment.
• 14:52
  Speaker: It's being laid on the table so that it's just one other thing that we can partake of that's gonna make our life fun, put a smile on our face, and make our day better.
• 15:01
  Speaker: There's a shared understanding of that, yeah.
• 15:04
  Speaker: But uh, but it's because we jointly talked about it and says, you know, that's really gonna be awesome.
• 15:09
  Speaker: X, Y, Z trip or whatever it is, we book it, and now we've got something else to look forward to, along with everything else that we do.
• 15:18
  Dr C: Yeah.
• 15:18
  Dr C: Yeah.
• 15:19
  Dr C: I mean, I think, you know, if you even look at the research behind that, like, you know, so when you think of so the Gottman Institute discovered the magic six hours.
• 15:28
  Dr C: And it's interesting, right?
• 15:29
  Dr C: So they say couples who devote just six intentional hours a week to their relationship dramatically improve their emotional resilience against burnout.
• 15:39
  Dr C: So we're actively fighting burnout for each other individually as well as a couple.
• 15:45
  Dr C: Yeah, uh, that's pretty phenomenal, right?
• 15:47
  Dr C: So we know that social wellness isn't a luxury and it's an absolute necessity for mitigating burnout and achieving harmony in your life and your relationships.
• 15:56
  Dr C: You got some value out of today's episode.
• 15:59
  Dr C: Please follow us on our YouTube channel, Life Podcast with Dr.
• 16:02
  Dr C: C.
• 16:03
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• 16:07
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• 16:13
  Dr C: And until next time, keep learning, stay inspired, continue to flourish, and never stop you wrong.
• 16:20
  Dr C: I'm your host, Dr.
• 16:21
  Dr C: C, and this is the live podcast.
• 16:24
  Dr C: Yeah, the rescue signal.
• 16:26
  Speaker: Absolutely.
• 16:26
  Speaker: 5,000.
• 16:27
  Speaker: That's a good word.
• 16:28
  unknown: 5,000.
• 16:29
  Speaker: As in Audi.