Latest / The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten / People Regret Chances Not Taken And People Not Slept With

Transcript

People Regret Chances Not Taken And People Not Slept With · The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten

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Hi everybody, and welcome to the dr.
0:07
Psych mom show. Today, we're going to be talking
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about when people regret the chances, they didn't take on the
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people. They didn't sleep with and this
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runs a little bit counter to, you know, we have a fairly
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puritanical culture about sex and really the only regrets that
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people tend to verbalize publicly are those where, you
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know, especially a woman says, oh, you know, I hooked up with
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too many boys or I wish I didn't have X or Y experience.
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That's fine. And I understand and validate
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that. However, people just as often
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have the other regrets the opposite about people, they
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didn't sleep with and relationships, they didn't
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choose to try. And I'll talk about that today,
0:49
right? As soon as I encourage you to
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So, for today, I told you at some point that I had a young
1:38
male listener, who said, maybe I should do more stuff for single
1:42
male listeners. Well, this is for single people
1:44
of both genders. I do try to do that more of my
1:47
social media, a lot of talking about like, what compatibility
1:51
is a lot to settle and what to look for in a partner.
1:54
If you look at my Instagram and my Facebook, I have a lot of
1:57
stuff about that. Of course, the majority of
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people I work with are married and are some of them.
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Divorced, you know, so this is applicable to them.
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But generally, they are people who, you know, struggle with
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regrets because human beings have regrets.
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And I, you know, sometimes I do hear about regrets of peat
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relationships, people didn't want to be in and thinking like,
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oh, that explore friend was bad for me or that ex-girlfriend
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didn't treat me very well, but, you know, honestly more often
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than that, I hear I should have taken this chance.
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I should have tried to date this person.
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And I should have slept with that girl who wanted to, I
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should have slept with that guy who wanted to, you know, people
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tend to regret the chances. They didn't take more than
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things that they did and of course there can be things
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people regret that they did to you know nothing here is black
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and white but really it seems like people when they're older
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so in midlife and afterwards they tend to regret not putting
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themselves out there more and not trying harder to kind of
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take all that life. I've had to offer and not doing
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so out of fear. And I just, I just read an
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article not an article about this.
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It was a short essay in a book that my husband bought me.
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It was a something here. Wait, I'll actually get you the
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title. The book is wanting women
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writing about desire and it's an essay collection.
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And so one of those essays in it that I just read was called the
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good girl I think. And it was about a woman who
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regrets that she did not go further sexually as a teenager
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with the boy that she was very attracted to because she was was
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abiding by the rules of her culture and she wanted to be a
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good girl. And she's since repudiated, many
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of those cultural norms and she wishes and retrospect.
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That, you know, she had at that moment when she felt so
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attracted to that boy, had a sexual experience with him and
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gone further than she allowed herself to go because she was
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being Guided by the principles that she was raised by, and she
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didn't want to be bad. Bad and she wishes that she
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would have had that experience and it also reminds me of some
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of you have read the book, A Tree Grows in Brooklyn, that was
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a book that I've read a lot and that I liked.
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I grew up in Brooklyn and in one of the scenes later on, when the
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main character, Francie, the young girl that it follows, as
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she gets older. And she's older as a teenager or
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I think. Yeah, I think she was like a
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late teenager or early twenties. She had an interaction with a
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guy and And she didn't, she didn't have sex with him and
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that it turns out that he was in fact, married and she said to
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her mother, so kind of like, should I have done it?
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And the mother said, well, you know, I'm not going to say that,
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you know, that you shouldn't have.
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I'm not going to because it might have been wonderful and it
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probably would have been wonderful because you were so in
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love with him to have that one interaction.
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And I think that the boy went away, the man whatever went away
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and was, you know, in Or what have you?
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This was set a long time ago, obviously.
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But anyway, the mother said you should have basically had the
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the interaction you should have slept with him because he would
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have been so wonderful because you were so young.
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And so in love and I remember reading that when I was younger
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and thinking that, that was really interesting, you know?
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And it was like kind of a moment.
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I was highly sensitive child, right?
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I mean I'm sure you could imagine as a therapist now.
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So I was always looking for guideposts about the way that
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male-female relationships would operate much.
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Much in the way that I do currently and that was real
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interesting to me because as a girl as the essay, the other
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essay that I just talked about delineate when you're a girl,
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you are told to be a good girl and you are told to basically
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avoid being bad and overly sexual and slutty and whatever
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and that was a different way of thinking about it.
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And I read that book when I was an adolescent.
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So so it was interesting that there could be this counter You
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should take whatever life has to offer you in terms of full
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sexual and romantic pleasure and enjoyment.
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And that, that could be even more important than doing the
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quote, right thing. And here, it wasn't only having
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sex out of out of wedlock. It was all I think.
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I now remember the man had like a fiance that she found out
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about later or whatever. So she would have been doing
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something bad in that regard, but she also would have been
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doing something bad in as much as they themselves, were not
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married, of course. And yet the mother, He thought
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that the experience might have been worth it.
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So anyway, how that relates is, I frequently hear people that
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regret the chances that they didn't take romantically and
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instead, they waited, and they tried to have few sexual
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partners or no, sexual partners, or maybe they even waited till
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marriage. I see a lot of people who
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struggle with sexual issues that waited until marriage and, you
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know, they didn't get these experiences when they were young
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and in love and super obsessed. With somebody that could have
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been amazing to look back at and amazing in the moment.
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And so if you are somebody who right now, so there's two kinds
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of people or many kinds of people that this relates to, and
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so many different ways. But one thing is, like parents.
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Now, as I've discussed at Ad, nauseam are very, very
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child-centered and sometimes over anxious, and over Vigilant
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about even young adults, their young adult children, and
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they'll get really up in arms about whether their children are
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having, you know, sexual experiences or sleeping with too
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many people or or whatever. I mean, what about the other
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alternative which is that they would be scared of the world and
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terrified to interact with people.
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I mean, you wouldn't want that, you know, there is a way to say,
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all right, good like let my kid do whatever they want.
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Let them enjoy their life. Like, let them enjoy College,
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let them have fun, of course, within safe limits and, you
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know, discuss, safe sex and whatever.
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But I About this in a podcast way early on about, how do you
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teach your daughters like to about sex without pushing a fear
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narrative, and a lot of parents push a fear narrative because
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they were raised with a fear narrative and the fear narrative
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took a lot away from them, you know.
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It's stole a lot of potential positive experiences that they
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could have had in the world, you know, and is applicable to even
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what I Stood recently on social media about these.
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The General Social Survey says that rates of sexlessness are
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going up and something like, 30%.
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A young people haven't had sex in the, past year or something,
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it's crazy, you know, and and that isn't good.
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It's not like those people are happy.
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They're not like, wow, like I'm doing so great.
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You know, and I mean maybe some of them are but I see other ones
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because still do have somebody on clients and they're not happy
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about that. As you may not have been
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particularly If you're somebody who currently likes to listen to
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dr. Psych mom talk about sex and how
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to have better sex in your marriage.
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Then you may also be somebody who wishes that they would have
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had more sexual experience, you know, so don't don't let your
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judgment stop you from encouraging, your children to
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explore and to do whatever whatever they want.
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And then, of course, many of you are single and post-divorce and
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sometimes people kind of go back to this old way of thinking,
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when they were single for the first time in their 20s, even
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though they're in their 40s and they I say oh I shouldn't, you
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know, sleep with too many people or then I'll be thought of this
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way or that way or who cares, who cares?
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I mean if you, if you are in a relationship or not even a
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relationship, if you meet somebody that you have a click
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with and that you are really attracted to why not see where
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that goes. So many people have all these
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rules and restrictions on when they'll allow themselves to be
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sexual with somebody, a particularly women have these
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rules because Society Trans women to try, not to be quote,
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slutty, or whatever. And then, like so many times
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they say, God, I wish I would have slept with that guy.
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That was a Summer Fling. When I was 18 years old or I
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wish that I would have allowed myself to more freedom to
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explore. Maybe then I would be more
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sex-positive. Now, or I wouldn't be having
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these these these issues within my marriage, where it's hard for
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me to open up and men in particular, really hate being
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late. Bloomers, I have a whole podcast
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about late Bloomers. And opposed.
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And that got me a lot of feedback, a lot of people wrote
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it and emailed and said that that podcasts and post resonated
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with them about being a late bloomer.
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And some of those guys are not it's not like, every teenage guy
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is just like trying to have sex as hard as they can like with,
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you know, as trying as hard as they can, to have sex with, with
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all these women and they're just getting shot down and chat down
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some of them have internalized. These rules about again, not
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being Add or not having premarital sex, or, or overly
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thinking of women as fragile and, and easily hurt.
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So then they take this more white knight role or what I call
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a gentleman eunuch, you know. And so they don't even try to
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have sex with girls. They actually actively some of
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them reject girls that are making overtures because they
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think this is being bad. And the only way to be like a
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good guy is to not have casual sex.
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And I mean, I've never heard a man whose Real glad that he did
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that. Most of them are, like, why was
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that such a fucking idiot. You know, that I like missed all
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these opportunities where I could have become more confident
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in my sexuality, and I could have really kind of embraced
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being a young guy. And I don't have those hormones
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or anymore, and I don't get an erection, every three seconds
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anymore. So, what the hell was I doing?
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You know, why was I so hamstrung by these things that I had been
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taught that, most people tend to get more flexible over time.
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About various things that they're taught, like, no
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premarital sex or whatever. You know, people kind of start
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to see the Shades of Gray as they get older, and if you no
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longer believe those things and you're like, the hell, you know?
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I mean like, why did I, why did I stop myself from enjoying
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myself more? At the time, you know, like why
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didn't I go all the way? Well with my high school
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girlfriend, or like, whatever the case may be.
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So so yeah, it's and even Beyond this, like there are many
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relationships that People don't have because of various rules
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and restrictions that they that they have, you know, in their
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own head like girls who think that a guy is not serious enough
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to have a relationship with because like he doesn't have
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whatever job is considered, you know, responsible and would.
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And her parents would like or would approve of or men that
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will only date a quote, good girl, you know so she has to
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have less experience than him and have a certain mentality and
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whatever whatever. But meanwhile like some other
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girl that they're attracted to That they really click with they
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don't pursue a relationship with that girl, because they think
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that she would be considered an inappropriate serious Girlfriend
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by family or friends or whatever.
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So, there's a lot of people that do these things and then, you
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know, usually, they just end up thinking, why did I do that?
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I mean, knowing of course why they did it.
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I'm speaking rhetorically, but wishing that they had taken more
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chances. And I mean, this goes to school,
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is really for everything. Like trips not taken, jobs, not
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taken, Friendships, not explored everything.
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I mean, regret is a big thing. I work with a lot of people in
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midlife and I'll tell you, regret is a big theme and if
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you're already a depressive kind of person then regret can start
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to be this thing that you ruminate about.
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So, try to get out ahead of that in any ways that you currently
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can. And now what's a way that you
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could do it if you're already married?
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Well, I mean you could try to work on your relationship
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instead of just shoving under the rug that y'all are like, not
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Being in a sexless like pretty romantic list, marriage romance,
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lists marriage, you know. I mean I've never had anybody
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say, you know, I'm really glad that we didn't come in here.
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Ten years ago, that would really fucked us up to do.
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All this productive work back before our problems metastasized
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like a cancer. I'm so glad we didn't come in in
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2003 the first time. She said she wanted to leave me
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and instead we're here in 2023 that that really helped no fuck
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no to see. Exact opposite like almost like
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like weekly or something. Honestly, somebody says
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something like, man, I wish that we would have got in here 10
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years ago, man. I wish we would have got in
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here, 20 years ago. I mean, really so, I mean, and
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that's not just because I'm awesome.
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That's because that is how people think, you know, if
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something is working, once you're trying on something, it's
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like that quote that I say every so often when's the best time to
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plant a tree, you know, 10 years ago was the second-best time.
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Today, because that's the only time you have.
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This is the soonest time right now.
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When you think of it as a soonest time, that you can
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possibly do it, it's not 10 years out.
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That's the worst time, you know. And so if you are in a marriage
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and it is in any way less than fulfilling emotionally,
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physically whatever work on it. Now, you will never regret it
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when you will regret is not working on it sooner.
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So you could do that today. This could be a wake-up call.
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Call for you to do it today to reach out and get into couples
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counseling, you know, or to start talking in a different
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way, or to bring up things that you don't usually bring up or
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put yourself out there. Romantically in a way that you
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usually don't or try something new in bed or out of bed or
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anywhere, or, or anything. And this, of course, beyond the
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relationship. There's parenting people have
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regrets that they just work too hard and didn't pay enough
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attention to their kids, or that they didn't get their own mental
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issues, like depression or anxiety.
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ID treated when it could still impact their children's
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childhood, there are a million things.
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And if you're honest with yourself, you could probably
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take like three things right now that you wish that that if you
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were betting a million dollars on, if they would turn into
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regrets, you would know what they were right now.
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You know. And so for a lot of people,
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these are you know a lot of people I work with they are not
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focusing on the marriage and or shoving marital problems under
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the rug for some people it's not separating or not divorcing
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quite honestly because they've Already gone through loads and
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loads of couples counseling and and there's like no no
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connection but they're scared to move forward and a lot of people
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their parenting regrets to you know and for single people there
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are regrets about not not taking risks and not putting yourself
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out there. If you are single let me reach
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out to whoever you want to reach out to so many times.
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People reconnect with like old loves from a old time like
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because they're both divorced again but you know that would
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never happen if you didn't reach out and see Yeah, I've already
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had some fearsome. Funny meme about like, are you
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still? Married is the, are you up of
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your 40? Is there something like meaning
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that when people are in their twenties or, you know, they
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text, are you up meaning like at late night if you're up then you
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could come over and we could hook up.
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But like in the 40s and people post-divorce reach out to Old
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the, you know, partners and say are you still married as a way
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to see if they are available. Therefore, potentially hooking
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up or more. So, anyway, just use this to
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think about, or you really grabbing Life by the horns, even
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if you never did before, could you now grab Life by the horns
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and do things differently so much that you end up with fewer
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regrets down the line and that is really the upshot of it and
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thank you for listening. I hope this was useful and I'll
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talk to you soon. Bye.