Latest / The FEEL Podcast: Women’s Empowerment, Emotional Wellness and Self-Leadership with Melissa Crook / Living Beyond Expectations & Embracing Your Layers ft. Kelly Anne Carter

Transcript

Living Beyond Expectations & Embracing Your Layers ft. Kelly Anne Carter · The FEEL Podcast: Women’s Empowerment, Emotional Wellness and Self-Leadership with Melissa Crook

• 0:13
  Hello Field podcast. Welcome back Today.
• 0:16
  I'm your host, Melissa Crook. I've got a friend here that you,
• 0:20
  if you listen to our radio show in 2024, you have heard this
• 0:24
  friend speak and I've been trying to get her on the podcast
• 0:28
  for a while and I moved and we just had a lot of moving parts
• 0:31
  going on in our lives. But I follow her and she puts
• 0:34
  things up every once in a while. Well, she puts things up and I
• 0:36
  catch them. I'm like, oh, I got to reach out
• 0:38
  to her and I finally got around to doing that and getting her on
• 0:41
  this platform. She is wise be under years.
• 0:46
  She's got a whole life full of knowledge to already share at
• 0:50
  this point in her life. She's courageous, she's
• 0:52
  insightful. Those are my words for her and
• 0:56
  and those are the things I see in her.
• 0:58
  But I'm going to introduce you by or just introduce you to her
• 1:03
  by her character traits, which are chronically curious, which I
• 1:07
  love so much. We're going to get into that
• 1:09
  more. Not afraid of liminal spaces.
• 1:12
  She's not afraid of the Gray. And when you hear her background
• 1:16
  of where she's what she's come from, what she's learned, what
• 1:19
  she survived, what she's redefined for herself, that's
• 1:23
  going to make a lot more sense to you.
• 1:25
  You're going to understand the value of that.
• 1:28
  And she's, this is so good. This is what I mean about her
• 1:31
  wisdom. She is interested in people's
• 1:34
  stories, not their filters, including her own.
• 1:38
  I'm like, oh, sit with that for a minute.
• 1:40
  Kellyanne Carter, Welcome to the Field podcast.
• 1:44
  Thank you so much. I'm really excited to be here
• 1:47
  with you today. Good, good.
• 1:50
  Well, I Kelly, I met Kelly Anna initially because she and a
• 1:53
  couple of friends have the woman being podcast and it's a very,
• 1:57
  very important podcast, especially if you're someone
• 2:01
  it's for everybody. There's something for everyone,
• 2:03
  but for someone who's come out of very damaging, hurtful,
• 2:09
  harmful religious spaces, faith spaces, with some scars and some
• 2:16
  wounds and just some realizations that if there's a,
• 2:20
  there's great content within that and they have really real,
• 2:24
  honest conversations about that. But there's so much more to
• 2:28
  Kellyanne than that and what she's learned about herself and
• 2:30
  what she has to offer. And we're going to get into all
• 2:33
  that today and talk to me to start with about your journey
• 2:39
  with self-care. Yeah, thank you so much for
• 2:44
  creating so much space to talk about self-care 'cause it really
• 2:47
  is everything I had to learn self-care.
• 2:52
  I was essentially conditioned to not care for myself.
• 2:57
  It was about caring for everyone else, right about the community.
• 3:03
  And so, you know, when I had my own mental health struggles in
• 3:09
  my early 20s, I had to figure out what that means.
• 3:14
  And so self-care came because my body demanded it of me.
• 3:20
  Actually, it said you haven't taken care of me for a long time
• 3:26
  and it's time for you to do that.
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  And so I like to tell people that you can address your
• 3:33
  feelings and your trauma on your terms or your body's terms.
• 3:39
  And you don't want it to become your body's terms because it can
• 3:42
  be really hard. And that's how that was my
• 3:45
  introduction to what self-care is.
• 3:48
  And I'm still to this day learning the difference between
• 3:52
  giving yourself what you need to thrive and actually caring for
• 3:56
  yourself, right? There's a there's a difference
• 4:00
  between, oh, I'm gonna chug water because I know I need to
• 4:03
  stay hydrated and I'm actually gonna like, sit with myself as I
• 4:07
  drink my water, right? That's a different headspace.
• 4:12
  And so I would say my journey has been demanded of me for
• 4:17
  myself care. And then moving into the more
• 4:20
  somatic spaces now understanding that, you know, the way we
• 4:25
  experience the world is through our bodies.
• 4:29
  And so much of that comes down to can you enjoy?
• 4:34
  Can you find pleasure? Can you like it?
• 4:38
  It's the older I get, the more I'm like, the cliches are true,
• 4:42
  like stop and smell the roses, right?
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  Can you actually stop and smell the flowers?
• 4:48
  Can you actually be present with yourself?
• 4:52
  And that is kind of a summarization of how my
• 4:55
  self-care journey began and is still ongoing.
• 4:59
  I really think, you know, that we have a phrase in the somatic
• 5:03
  world of what fires together, wires together, meaning those
• 5:07
  neurotransmitters, as they're firing, they're creating
• 5:10
  pathways in your nervous system. And so, like, I think I will
• 5:15
  have a long journey with continuing to choose myself, and
• 5:20
  that's OK. That's just part of it.
• 5:24
  Yeah, it is a journey. And I think that's an important
• 5:26
  distinction because I know when I started my journey and I
• 5:29
  started it a lot later than you did in life, but I had this
• 5:33
  idea, I'm going to go in, I'm going to do this for six months
• 5:35
  and I'm going to be move on with my life.
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  And that's how it's going to be. And it was like, oh, no, no, no,
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  is not how it's going to be. This is just the beginning.
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  And that was a stark realization.
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  But I think approaching it, going back to your, you know,
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  being chronically curious and continuing to learn and evolve
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  and grow and realize that that's what this is.
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  And it's continuing to check in with yourself.
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  You said something so important and I can drink my water and I
• 6:02
  should. It's right here.
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  Also, can I sit down and drink my water mindfully?
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  Can I make sure I'm breathing deeply?
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  Can I give myself 10 minutes of quiet while I drink my water to
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  let everything settle, to let my system reset?
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  And so it's not just about the physical manifestations of
• 6:21
  moving your body and and drinking your water.
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  What am I doing for myself to fulfill myself spiritually,
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  mentally, emotionally, my sexual health?
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  I mean, when you come from very conservative faith spaces, which
• 6:36
  you and I both have a history of, I got a handle on mine a lot
• 6:39
  later in life than you did. But and the impacts of that,
• 6:44
  there's very, you're like, you do this, you do this, you do
• 6:47
  this, this is right, this is wrong.
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  We don't talk about this. We do talk about this.
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  If you do. And if you want to talk about
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  this, then that you're bad, dirty, too curious, being
• 6:59
  tempted by the double, whatever it is, whatever manifestation of
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  that that is. And so for the first time, when
• 7:04
  you feel like you've got the freedom to really be curious and
• 7:08
  you stop disassociating with your body and start actually
• 7:11
  paying attention to what she's telling you, it's really like,
• 7:15
  oh, wow, OK, we're going to get more into the semantic piece in
• 7:21
  a minute because that's something that's so important,
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  such an important part of your journey.
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  And for me, I didn't even know that was a part of my journey
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  until I was able to settle enough and just come out of my
• 7:31
  disassociation to feel. And I remember when I first
• 7:35
  started therapy in the fall of 2019, for probably the first
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  year and a half, year to year and a half, I had all of these
• 7:43
  areas of numbness and tightness that I kept trying to get a
• 7:48
  medical diagnosis for that there was like, there's nothing going,
• 7:52
  there's nothing physically wrong with you that it was literally
• 7:57
  my body, OK, my nervous system's feeling safe enough.
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  But now we got to move through all this stuff and we got to
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  move it out of our bodies and we got to process it.
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  So it's such a stark reality to realize.
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  Oh, wow, I was just like scratching the surface with my
• 8:15
  drinking my water and getting my run in and eating some healthy
• 8:18
  food. There's so many more layers to
• 8:20
  that. And we're going to get to that.
• 8:22
  But before we get into that, a mental, emotional, physical,
• 8:26
  spiritual, sexual health manifestation and how the
• 8:29
  semantic work really ties into that, I want to talk to you
• 8:32
  about confidently setting boundaries.
• 8:34
  Boundaries are a whole other new, I think, iteration when you
• 8:38
  realize, Oh my gosh, the access and control that you've allowed
• 8:46
  others to speak into you throughout your life because
• 8:48
  that's what you were taught, that's what you knew, that's
• 8:50
  what you were told was good. And then all of a sudden
• 8:53
  realizing what's not serving you and having to create, you know,
• 8:57
  healthy boundaries around what you will and won't allow access
• 9:01
  in and out, who gets access. All of those things become a
• 9:05
  very new how you prioritize yourself to make sure there's
• 9:09
  space for you and all this that it's a lie that putting yourself
• 9:14
  first is selfish. Because if we don't do that,
• 9:18
  then we will come in depleted and half of ourselves and not
• 9:24
  fully and refreshed and authentic from a full cup from a
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  full container to show up as first for ourselves and of
• 9:33
  course for the people around us that we're in a relationship
• 9:35
  with. Everyone benefits when we fill
• 9:38
  our cups with this backwards idea, and how much that's still
• 9:41
  being taught is really interesting once you get on the
• 9:45
  other side of it. But talk to me about your
• 9:47
  boundaries journey. Yeah, yeah, I identify as a
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  recovering people pleaser. And so boundaries, you know,
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  very similar to the self-care. It's been a huge process for me.
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  I've been thinking a lot recently actually about the fond
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  response. And personally I identify as in
• 10:09
  my experience, my people pleasing is a fond response.
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  So it is a survival tactic that I implemented when I was young
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  to make it through the extreme experiences I had.
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  And it so when you look at it that way, like survival tactics
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  aren't good or bad, It's your nervous system prioritizing your
• 10:34
  well-being and your survival. And that is as it should be.
• 10:39
  And recognizing, hey, I'm in a safer space, Hey, I actually am
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  OK, I can set this down. And the process of setting down
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  people pleasing to pick up boundaries can feel really
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  unsafe because it's new territory.
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  And so you might have to say like me, hey, I'm so sorry I
• 11:03
  can't make it to this event, but I love you.
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  That can feel so scary because it's new, it's new territory.
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  And you, I don't know about your brain.
• 11:15
  My brain will race and just be like, Oh my gosh, this person
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  hates me now, which is that fun? Like if I can prevent or
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  guarantee a specific outcome that guarantees my safety.
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  And so that is that self-care piece.
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  I think that's, that's foundational so that you can
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  have boundaries so that you can build that up.
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  And I'm learning still, you know, how, how do I, who do I
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  let into my life? How do I let them into my life?
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  Am I comfortable saying thank you so much and no thank you.
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  And am I, am I safe in myself with those boundaries, 'cause
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  when you, when you violate your boundaries or your boundaries
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  are violated, I feel a very physical response.
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  I feel it in my belly. I start to get antsy.
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  I start to feel angry or taken advantage of and so my body will
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  start to tell me when I'm stepping over the line or or
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  allowing someone to step over my lines.
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  And there is a rebuilding of trust that has to happen with
• 12:26
  yourself. You have to be your, your body
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  has to trust that you will do the like, quote UN quote harder
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  thing. Yeah, in order to take care of
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  you. And once, once those two things
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  come into alignment, I think that's really where the magic
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  happens. Yeah.
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  I've, I wouldn't say I am fully like, in that space yet I get
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  glimmers of it. I'm like, oh, I feel free.
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  Oh, I feel so empowered. I feel so good.
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  Like, life might be crazy right now or this might still be a
• 13:02
  wild situation, but I feel good in the midst of it.
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  And I think that is everything like feeling, setting a boundary
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  and being able to feel secure in yourself, I think is the magic.
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  Because then it doesn't really matter what the response is to
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  the boundary. What matters is what you feel
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  and how you feel like you advocated for yourself and that
• 13:30
  you you can trust yourself to step up.
• 13:34
  Yeah, Yeah. I think you said so many
• 13:36
  important things there. I think that if realization, I
• 13:40
  think when you start setting boundaries, you have to make a
• 13:42
  deal with yourself. I'm never going to abandon
• 13:44
  myself again. That doesn't mean you won't, but
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  that's that's, that's the the kind of the light that keeps
• 13:50
  you, you guiding and and the question to ask yourself if,
• 13:53
  yeah, am I abandoning myself here or not?
• 13:56
  That safety piece is so huge because when you when you're
• 14:00
  been hearing your whole life that you nuts don't trust your
• 14:02
  body. Your body will lead you astray.
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  Don't trust your instincts, sinful nature, all those things
• 14:09
  we, we, you have to like, learn to like, no, actually, she was
• 14:15
  designed to let me know what's happening and that, that safety
• 14:19
  piece, because I had to go through a span of time of like
• 14:23
  hyper vigilance was my thing. I'm like, thank you so much for
• 14:26
  keeping me safe. You kept me safe for years and I
• 14:29
  needed you and I'm so thankful. But I'm safe now.
• 14:31
  I've got this. And so for me, it was a lot of
• 14:34
  inner child work and talking to myself and letting myself know
• 14:37
  I've got this now I'm aware I've I'm not disassociated anymore
• 14:42
  and I'm going to keep us safe. Thanks for how you served me.
• 14:45
  But we're stepping away because it will feel very uncomfortable.
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  And sometimes people mistake that discomfort, meaning that
• 14:52
  they think they're doing something wrong.
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  And it's like, no, you're just we, our nervous system equates
• 14:59
  safety and familiarity. And so we have to like retrain,
• 15:04
  like we're going to get, we need to do a new familiar now because
• 15:08
  this old familiar is not serving us anymore.
• 15:11
  So stay with me here. So I think that's something
• 15:14
  really important to you said whatever anybody else's response
• 15:18
  is, how do I feel? Did I honor myself?
• 15:21
  Because I, I feel I am such a somatic feeler, like it's in my
• 15:25
  chest, it's in my tone of voice, my irritability.
• 15:28
  I feel like I'm being a martyr. I feel like I'm taking advantage
• 15:31
  of. I feel like I'm being, you know,
• 15:33
  not, I don't have any agency. I mean, all those are the things
• 15:37
  that that fire up. And so recognizing that, I mean,
• 15:42
  as as many things as have changed since I did my work, I
• 15:46
  feel more settled and more content.
• 15:48
  And yet there's still triggers, there's still things that come
• 15:51
  up. They're like I, you know, I call
• 15:53
  it layers. There's another layer there to
• 15:55
  peel back. There's so something, you know,
• 15:57
  going on there that needs to be dealt with.
• 15:58
  So that acceptance that it's a lifelong thing, but staying with
• 16:02
  that and trusting that. But I love that you talked about
• 16:04
  the safety and the trust and the retraining and, and letting your
• 16:08
  nervous system know, you know, and just having those
• 16:11
  conversations and, and it's like I used to, I laughed.
• 16:14
  I'm like, Oh my gosh, I'm sitting here talking.
• 16:16
  I always talk to myself, but this is like a whole new level.
• 16:20
  And you know, but I think it's such an important reminder of of
• 16:24
  that ability we have within us already.
• 16:27
  We are capable for of so much more within us.
• 16:31
  We have it all there. It's just I think have feeling
• 16:35
  the freedom and safety and support and trust to access it
• 16:40
  and and that's really the journey that you've been on.
• 16:43
  So I and I, I've loved that and that continual learning piece,
• 16:48
  all right, taking care of our emotional health, our physical
• 16:51
  health, our mental health, spiritual health, sexual health,
• 16:55
  all those pieces are a part of the puzzle.
• 16:58
  It's a huge part of your focus and what you're passionate about
• 17:02
  now with the somatic work. But talk to me about your
• 17:06
  journey in the recognition of that because there was a path
• 17:11
  you had to go down to get to this space of realizing, oh,
• 17:13
  this is a space that I want to land in.
• 17:17
  Yeah, no, thank you so much for asking the question.
• 17:20
  I I love talking about this. So I mean, like I mentioned
• 17:26
  earlier, I, my body demanded that I step away.
• 17:34
  Well, first that I get mental health support and then my body
• 17:39
  often I say my body decided to leave religion.
• 17:42
  I did not decide. Like my body stepped up and said
• 17:46
  you've had enough. Actually, like couldn't
• 17:51
  physically, couldn't pray, like my throat would close up.
• 17:55
  Any time I heard a worship song, I would start to cry.
• 17:59
  My body was screaming at me. And so, you know, for me, it
• 18:06
  went in the process of once I left the emotional fallout, I
• 18:11
  was a mess, had to be a mess shortly after that fallout,
• 18:15
  physical fallout. And you know, learning, I'm
• 18:19
  learning my body. It is very common for people
• 18:24
  that go through religious trauma.
• 18:27
  I mean, really any kind of trauma or abuse to, and once you
• 18:32
  start to heal that nervous system and recover to actually
• 18:36
  have a fallout of health problems.
• 18:38
  That is my reality right now. So I've, I've dealt with a
• 18:42
  couple chronic illnesses. And so even now like deciding,
• 18:47
  Hey, this doctor isn't working for me anymore.
• 18:50
  I'm going for a new one. I'm, I'm going to push for the
• 18:53
  blood work that they are telling me I don't need because I don't
• 18:56
  care if I don't need it. I want to make sure that some
• 19:00
  that that isn't what's happening, right?
• 19:02
  So leaning into that really hard.
• 19:05
  And then so that's been my journey for a handful of years
• 19:09
  and that some of the chronic pain that I was in.
• 19:14
  Led. Me to somatic work because I was
• 19:17
  at the end of my rope. I didn't care.
• 19:19
  Like if you told me to jump in a circle and then sing happy
• 19:24
  birthday, I would try it if you told me it would help me be 10%
• 19:29
  in less pain and fell for an Instagram ad.
• 19:33
  And I'm so glad that I did because I bought this little $30
• 19:39
  package for an emotional like jaw and neck release.
• 19:44
  And I tried it and literally within a few minutes started
• 19:51
  feeling better. And that was my moment of I need
• 19:56
  to know everything about this. If this can take me from on the
• 20:00
  verge of tears and not being able to like move to well, I
• 20:05
  can, I can probably go about my day.
• 20:08
  Like that is a night and day difference when you experience
• 20:11
  chronic illness. And so that that is what started
• 20:16
  it. I think it was three years ago
• 20:18
  now. And I went and found a A school.
• 20:23
  I got into this somatic program, got certified as a somatic
• 20:28
  practitioner. I then went and got certified in
• 20:31
  non linear movement, which is now what I teach locally.
• 20:35
  And I love it. It's such a Safeway to
• 20:38
  experience your body and explore your emotional landscape,
• 20:43
  especially when you're coming out of trauma or a high control
• 20:48
  religion because it's gentle and it's at your own pace.
• 20:52
  And I'm currently working on a certification in somatic
• 20:56
  exercises, which is the first thing that I found when I've had
• 21:02
  my jaw feeling better. And I was like, I need to know
• 21:05
  everything that I possibly can about somatics.
• 21:09
  And so now I am all things embodied trauma processing like
• 21:14
  I because I needed it myself and I know that everyone else needs
• 21:19
  it too. We are not taught to like, you
• 21:22
  know, lean into our bodies and see how we're feeling and, you
• 21:27
  know, let your body move and how it needs to move and that will
• 21:32
  help you process your emotions. We're not taught that we live
• 21:38
  very cognitively and there's nothing something wrong with
• 21:41
  your cognitive brain, nothing at all.
• 21:44
  But seven. It's estimated that 70% of the
• 21:48
  information we process every day comes from the body up and only
• 21:52
  30% is brain down. And so our bodies are talking to
• 21:57
  us all day and we don't listen to them.
• 22:02
  And that's where I found I needed to start listening to my
• 22:05
  body. So that's a little bit of my, my
• 22:09
  emotional health, my mental health, my physical health
• 22:11
  journey and, and still ongoing. And, you know, I'm OK with that.
• 22:16
  I'm, I abandoned, you know, we were talking about abandoning
• 22:20
  ourselves. I abandoned myself for a long
• 22:22
  time. And so I'm OK taking the time
• 22:26
  and the effort to get myself back to myself, if that makes
• 22:32
  sense. Yeah, well, that authentic state
• 22:34
  of being how you were designed to exist and not this other way
• 22:38
  that you morphed into to survive this, the system that you were
• 22:43
  in. Because these are systems and
• 22:45
  I'm, so, you know, I, we're starting to talk about the
• 22:49
  somatic more. I, you know, I switched over to
• 22:52
  a more holistic practitioner in 2017 because I wanted to start
• 22:56
  knowing why things were happening.
• 22:59
  Not just throwing a Band-Aid at it, but getting all these
• 23:03
  systems to, to talk to each other.
• 23:05
  These, these, these systems in our culture, but also our
• 23:08
  systems are all connected in our body.
• 23:11
  So when you talked about the chronic, you know, use your time
• 23:14
  and time again from from people and women, especially of ending
• 23:20
  up with these different chronic disorders, whether it's
• 23:24
  autoimmune or otherwise because of these and it's that physical
• 23:30
  manifestation. I mean we had a guest on who her
• 23:35
  now ex-husband was a pastor and he was very abusive to her and
• 23:40
  she ended up leaving him. But she had to put on that face
• 23:44
  for so many years and she ended up with a very chronic, very
• 23:50
  difficult, you know, health issue around autoimmune that she
• 23:56
  had to deal with. It ended up being rheumatoid
• 23:59
  arthritis is how it manifested in her and very painful, very
• 24:03
  difficult. But when she was able to get
• 24:06
  herself in a safe space and make that connection, she was able
• 24:09
  to. But these things take time.
• 24:12
  Our bodies, I think that we don't talk about enough, the
• 24:15
  fact that our bodies are not designed to carry all of this.
• 24:19
  There has to be a release. And if we don't provide space
• 24:24
  and time and, and mechanisms for that release, it will show up in
• 24:29
  a very you know, mine was ended up in the ER twice in a 10 day
• 24:34
  period in 2019. Yours was what happened to you
• 24:38
  in your 20s. But you know, the reason I'm so
• 24:41
  passionate about talking about these things and making sure
• 24:44
  women have these resources is if you have if you are in the
• 24:49
  space, we can help you. And also we have things that can
• 24:52
  help you. You don't have to be in that
• 24:54
  space anymore or you don't have to get to that space, period.
• 24:58
  So let's give you some tools and some resources and frameworks to
• 25:02
  free you to live the way you were designed to live.
• 25:07
  But yeah, and I think it's just so important that patients in
• 25:10
  time. I mean, I remember my therapist
• 25:12
  told me she's like, it took you a good portion of your 50 years
• 25:17
  to get here. This is not going to just work
• 25:20
  itself out in six months or a year.
• 25:23
  This is going to be a lifetime because things don't expose
• 25:29
  themselves until it feels like there's safety and room for you
• 25:32
  to move through them. So that means you're going to
• 25:35
  peel back some layers, you're going to heal and process and
• 25:38
  move through some areas and something else is going to show
• 25:40
  itself. And you know, and because you
• 25:43
  may, and it might have to be that you're in certain
• 25:45
  situations for that thing to come up and you just don't know.
• 25:48
  I mean, and I think that it's so I think when you can accept that
• 25:52
  piece of it and know that you've got the tools and resources to
• 25:56
  walk that out, that makes all the difference.
• 25:58
  The world too. Yeah, no, I completely agree.
• 26:02
  The tools, having tools in your tool belt is everything because
• 26:08
  those tools are validation. Those tools inherently give you
• 26:14
  an outlet like what and whatever it is, right?
• 26:17
  Cuz everyone's different and everyone's journey is different.
• 26:21
  For me it's all things somatics, right?
• 26:24
  For other people, they might have way other different tools
• 26:27
  and pieces that support them, but you can only get there if
• 26:31
  you know yourself. Yeah, if.
• 26:33
  You know yourself and you know what you need.
• 26:36
  Yeah, I'm so glad you brought that up because that you know,
• 26:40
  again, we'll get to it when you get to the talking point, but
• 26:42
  also that that knowing yourself when I when I sit down with
• 26:45
  women and we'll wrap our conversation up with this today.
• 26:48
  But when I'm working with groups or one-on-one, we start with,
• 26:53
  OK, first thing we're going to talk about is your layers.
• 26:56
  We're going to talk about all those pieces and parts that make
• 27:00
  up your story. And we're going to talk about
• 27:02
  getting curious rather than judgmental.
• 27:05
  And we're going to embrace those things you've got shame around
• 27:08
  that you're embarrassed about, that you wish hadn't happened.
• 27:11
  And we're going to reframe the way.
• 27:14
  We're going to bring them out from hiding and we're going to
• 27:17
  reframe the way you're addressing them because that is
• 27:21
  how you're able to. And you're not going to love
• 27:23
  them all. That's not the point.
• 27:24
  But you'll be able to acknowledge them and be like,
• 27:26
  you know, given the time I was in, given what I knew, then
• 27:32
  given the examples around me, given who was speaking into my
• 27:35
  life, all those things. I get why I did that, or I get
• 27:38
  why I made that decision, or I get why I didn't say no to that.
• 27:41
  All right, I understand that I don't love it.
• 27:43
  I won't do it again, but I can, I can see how that is the
• 27:47
  direction I ended up going and just even getting to that, that
• 27:50
  neutral space of being able to embrace your layers.
• 27:52
  And then I'm like, all right, let's say 5 activities that
• 27:56
  nourish you. Are you engaging in any of those
• 27:59
  things? Are you connecting to yourself
• 28:01
  in any of those ways? And sometimes it takes a while,
• 28:04
  like I'm going to be released in an, you know, well, by the time
• 28:08
  you guys hear this episode, you will know that I released an
• 28:11
  online course this summer. And I decided that was the next
• 28:14
  iteration because I wanted women to really have time to sit with
• 28:20
  these things. And I mean, we have, you know,
• 28:22
  we have the podcast, we have a panel show, we have our book.
• 28:26
  And our book is a good step in that too.
• 28:28
  But if you and I can come speak to you in person, but those
• 28:31
  things are all things that happen over a day or a weekend
• 28:34
  or a time or a few weeks with the online course, you can sit
• 28:38
  with that and be really intentional and give yourself
• 28:42
  all the time and space you need. So I'm very conscientious about,
• 28:46
  all right, it might take you a minute, it might take you a day
• 28:50
  or a week to identify those five activities that nourish you
• 28:53
  because you've been so wrapped up and engaged with making sure
• 28:57
  everyone else is OK and taken care of that you don't even know
• 29:00
  for sure what that is for you. I've literally have women tell
• 29:02
  me when I asked them, they I'm like, I don't know.
• 29:06
  I haven't, I've never thought about that.
• 29:08
  No one's ever asked me that question.
• 29:09
  So you know, what feeds your soul, what lights you up?
• 29:12
  What are those activities that nourish you?
• 29:14
  And then thinking about those 5 words on how you want to feed
• 29:17
  the next six months. So being able to identify your
• 29:21
  character trait and those things allow you to know yourself.
• 29:25
  Then you can come in knowing yourself, meet yourself where
• 29:30
  you are. And that's what and that's what
• 29:32
  Kellyanne's talking about here. And it's those intentional time
• 29:36
  and investing in yourself and knowing that you're worth it and
• 29:41
  you're worth the time and the investment and discarding the
• 29:44
  voices and lies that have told you that is selfish and
• 29:48
  self-serving. It is serving.
• 29:51
  It is serving you and it is serving everyone around you
• 29:54
  because you're finally engaging in your life in a way that's
• 29:58
  it's authentic to who you were designed to be and that makes
• 30:01
  you healthier with yourself and in all your relationships and
• 30:04
  how much. I mean, how do we want people to
• 30:07
  perceive as we don't want the irritable martyr, half present,
• 30:12
  half not wore out version of someone who want their fully
• 30:18
  authentic refreshed present version, who knows who they are?
• 30:23
  And I mean, I think there's just, and so I, I went into that
• 30:26
  because I, I think sometimes when people are like, I think I
• 30:30
  know myself, I, I, I challenge you to test that knowledge with
• 30:35
  yourself and ask yourself those key questions because that's
• 30:39
  going to really give you, and you got to revisit them.
• 30:41
  Like continue to know yourself. Different seasons are going to
• 30:44
  change how relationships change. You know, all these things
• 30:47
  happen to us, jobs change locations.
• 30:49
  So continue to visit that. But I'm so glad you brought up
• 30:53
  that intentionality because you can't properly serve or take
• 30:57
  care of someone you don't know in the way they need, and that
• 31:02
  includes. You.
• 31:06
  Yeah, I couldn't agree more. I think you put it so perfectly.
• 31:11
  Yeah. And so the fact that you were
• 31:13
  able to do that, and I think this is what now allows you to
• 31:17
  show up for yourself and others unapologetically.
• 31:22
  Talk about that more. Yeah, I mean, gosh, I think it
• 31:28
  was late last year I kind of had this epiphany, you know, like
• 31:33
  it's such a thing on social media now of like entering my
• 31:36
  villain era, right? Or like, like main character
• 31:41
  energy. And I just like this, this
• 31:45
  thought just like dropped in to not just my head, but my body.
• 31:49
  I thought it and it was like I should be the main character of
• 31:54
  my story actually. Like all the time.
• 31:59
  It just lit me up and I was like, yeah, like it.
• 32:03
  Like I love my husband more than anything except for myself.
• 32:08
  I have to love myself first. I have to be the main character.
• 32:13
  And I can't center him in my life because guess what?
• 32:17
  That's me putting my past trauma.
• 32:20
  Yeah. My married religion relationship
• 32:22
  now that doesn't deserve it I don't deserve it he doesn't
• 32:26
  deserve it. That doesn't need to be a piece,
• 32:28
  you know, or like my friends, my family, love them all, would do
• 32:33
  just about anything for them other than now sacrifice myself
• 32:39
  because like then I'm not living my life, I'm living their life.
• 32:44
  Yeah. I'm living, I'm living everyone
• 32:47
  else's expectation of what I should look like, or at least my
• 32:50
  interpretation of it. And that is, that is not my
• 32:56
  authenticity. That's not their authenticity,
• 32:59
  right? That's me projecting what I
• 33:01
  think they want or what I think they need onto them.
• 33:05
  And then orienting myself accordingly.
• 33:08
  And I will say that is one. It's simpler work, right?
• 33:14
  Like, it's simple to be like, OK, all of this chaos.
• 33:18
  Cut that out. Just calm down.
• 33:19
  Yeah, calm down. Give yourself some breathing
• 33:23
  room. But it's deeper work.
• 33:26
  It is hard. I don't know why it's so hard
• 33:28
  for us, us as women, to choose ourselves.
• 33:32
  Call it conditioning, upbringing, you know, whatever
• 33:36
  survival tactics or coping strategies you needed.
• 33:40
  And those are all valid. Like those are all completely
• 33:43
  valid. And again, like we talked about
• 33:46
  earlier, I can set that down now.
• 33:48
  I don't need that. And the people in my life that
• 33:52
  love me, they don't want that for me either.
• 33:56
  Right, right. And if they do want that for
• 33:59
  you, then you need to look at that relationship and.
• 34:02
  Because for sure. You know, I mean, it goes going
• 34:05
  back to the boundaries piece. I love what you've said in
• 34:07
  speaking about your husband specifically because we hear a
• 34:10
  lot of stuff about the husband and wife relationship in these
• 34:15
  in these spaces, a relationship. If you need a relationship,
• 34:22
  that's a red flag because it is no one else's responsibility to
• 34:29
  fulfill you. They it's, it's, it needs to be
• 34:33
  a choice. They add to your happiness
• 34:35
  1000%. But I, I, I brag on my husband a
• 34:40
  little bit because we both came from our own shit show
• 34:43
  backgrounds. But he did have the wisdom to
• 34:46
  know when we were, you know, in our early 20s in college.
• 34:52
  And we've been dating for a while.
• 34:56
  And really, surprisingly to me, he's like, I need to break up
• 35:01
  with you because not because I don't love you, but because I
• 35:04
  need you to not need. Me.
• 35:07
  And it blew my world up in ended up being the best way possible
• 35:17
  at, you know, but that was the hardest nine months of my life.
• 35:21
  We were broke up for nine months at the time we got back
• 35:24
  together. I didn't see that coming.
• 35:26
  But it essentially really, it was the first time I went to
• 35:30
  therapy. It took me round three to really
• 35:32
  dive in. But that was the first round of
• 35:34
  really the first time anyone ever told me what you
• 35:39
  experienced was abuse. What happened to you was trauma.
• 35:44
  And I was just like, I mean, mine blown.
• 35:48
  But it also was one of those things where I had to learn to
• 35:52
  be okay with me. I had to learn to love me.
• 35:56
  I had to learn to realize I didn't need a man.
• 35:59
  I didn't need another person. I was completely capable of
• 36:04
  taking care of and fulfilling me.
• 36:06
  And then that would allow me to show up in that relationship
• 36:11
  authentically and not put that pressure on the other person to
• 36:16
  feel like they were responsible for me and my happiness and my
• 36:20
  well-being. And so I, so I, I, I went on.
• 36:23
  That was chapter 1 of this iteration of myself.
• 36:28
  And it was when I really walked away from that first round of,
• 36:32
  you know, I grew up Mormon, left that, went into the evangelical
• 36:36
  space later that did feel freer for many years and then ended
• 36:39
  up, you know, leaving that space in 2020.
• 36:42
  And but it was that, you know, for him to have the wisdom to
• 36:47
  say that to me. And it was hard, like on both of
• 36:50
  us. It was very hard.
• 36:51
  It was a long slog. And then about the time I
• 36:55
  thought, you know, I was getting ready to graduate.
• 36:59
  I was looking for jobs in other cities.
• 37:01
  I was getting ready to get in my own apartment.
• 37:03
  And he showed up at my door one day and he had we had enough,
• 37:06
  you know, contacts and space that he'd been able to kind of
• 37:09
  observe from afar that I'd taken these steps and it was really
• 37:12
  moving forward. And so we knocked on the door
• 37:16
  was the first week of summer school.
• 37:18
  I needed to get some summer school done before I could
• 37:20
  officially be done. And I opened the door.
• 37:22
  But then I had like, why are you here?
• 37:26
  And what is your investment? And I'm not going to move
• 37:29
  forward with this, you know, without, you know, some kind of
• 37:33
  invest, you know, I and he was like, wow, you really, you
• 37:37
  really have done the work. I'm like, I love you, but I
• 37:40
  don't need you. And if I and I, I'll be okay and
• 37:43
  I'll get over this and I'll be okay without you.
• 37:46
  And it's hurt like hell, but I know now that I, I can be okay.
• 37:50
  And that was such an important lesson for me to learn and
• 37:53
  change the whole trajectory of of going into a marriage.
• 37:58
  And so I wanted to spend some time with that because I think
• 38:01
  it's so important that we understand the difference
• 38:04
  between needing and wanting and the choice that that exists
• 38:10
  within our relationships. And the ability that we have to
• 38:13
  show up and apologetically for ourselves.
• 38:16
  And how that takes the pressure off of a relationship when it
• 38:20
  was to be something it was never meant to be.
• 38:25
  No, I completely agree. I I mean we, me and my husband,
• 38:31
  we dated for three years and were engaged for a year before
• 38:37
  we got married, which in the evangelical space.
• 38:41
  Is unheard of, unheard of and gets a lot of side heard of so
• 38:47
  much what's happening with them. What are you know, Because you
• 38:51
  know, Yeah, yeah, that's a whole no. 100% no.
• 38:55
  I people felt like they could ask any question under the sun
• 38:59
  they wanted to ask. And it was amazing, but amazing
• 39:05
  in many ways. But you know, that was part of
• 39:08
  it. I was like, I want to make sure,
• 39:11
  like I'm not trying to rush into this.
• 39:14
  I'm not trying to repeat my own trauma patterns.
• 39:18
  And I'm very grateful 'cause my, my husband, you know, saw me in
• 39:24
  my mess that I didn't even know I had yet within the evangelical
• 39:29
  space and saw beyond that somehow.
• 39:34
  And and, you know, I always say the woman that he married is not
• 39:39
  the person that he has today. And I think that's OK.
• 39:43
  I think that's good actually. But I think part of everyone is
• 39:50
  very ready and willing to tell you what they think a
• 39:56
  relationship should look like. And I think it's really
• 39:59
  important to trust your own integrity and trust your own gut
• 40:06
  on what you need for your relationship.
• 40:10
  Because when you, when you do anything differently, honestly
• 40:16
  kind of just doing stuff out of. What you're afraid of or and
• 40:21
  I'm, I'm not perfect in this. I was not perfect at all.
• 40:24
  I made plenty of decisions out of fear and somehow this all
• 40:29
  still worked out right. And but like when you when you
• 40:34
  are doing what you think it should be or what it should look
• 40:38
  like, especially when you're young, that can set you up on a
• 40:44
  weird path. You know, like you guys, you
• 40:48
  guys had nine months apart. We did almost a year of long
• 40:52
  distance, which basically the same thing.
• 40:56
  Yeah. Yeah, I feel like, and you know,
• 40:59
  we we both came from pretty, pretty rough upbringings and we
• 41:06
  did like a codependency course when we were like 20 and 18.
• 41:12
  We had good you. Guys.
• 41:14
  We had no business doing AI, don't even know what half of the
• 41:18
  words meant. And I don't.
• 41:20
  I don't even know if it really made a difference, but the fact
• 41:23
  that we were willing to sit there and listen to these dumb
• 41:26
  CDs that are saying a bunch of words that we don't really
• 41:29
  understand about psychology, you know, like, I think it really
• 41:34
  set up our our relationship and how we're, we're able to push
• 41:40
  and pull on each other. And that same concept of like, I
• 41:44
  want you, I want you so bad, Like I want you so bad.
• 41:48
  My bones hurt. And I know that I'm going to be
• 41:51
  OK with whatever however this shakes out is, is, I think
• 41:57
  really important 'cause like, I mean, eventually, right, one
• 42:01
  day, most of us will probably have to go without our spouse.
• 42:05
  And like having that self love, that compassion, that, that
• 42:10
  courage and you know, your, your friends that will support you no
• 42:16
  matter what, right? Your support system.
• 42:19
  I think that's everything. And I don't know, I guess my my
• 42:24
  final thought is like don't don't have a relationship that
• 42:27
  everyone thinks you should have. Have the relationship that you
• 42:31
  need. Yeah, ohh, that was good.
• 42:34
  That was so good. And trust those little inklings
• 42:37
  because as much as I was disassociated, there were a few
• 42:42
  key think decisions I made along the way where it was like, you
• 42:46
  know what? I just don't think that's right.
• 42:49
  I just don't see that. I just don't agree with that.
• 42:52
  I'm going to have to trust my gut on this one.
• 42:54
  There were a few That was what led me to, you know, continuing
• 42:59
  to date my husband and and leave the Mormon church.
• 43:01
  I'm like, I just don't believe the BS that, you know, him not
• 43:07
  being Mormon makes him less than and not worthy of me marrying.
• 43:11
  I, I, I don't believe it. It's just he's one of the best
• 43:14
  humans I've ever met in my life and better than a lot of people
• 43:17
  that I know within this system that I met.
• 43:20
  So I, you know, so even with all that was, you know, so it's
• 43:24
  going back to that. Don't ignore those nudges.
• 43:28
  Don't ignore that it is there for a reason.
• 43:31
  It's there to let you know and, and trusting those.
• 43:36
  And I think that it can be hard when you've been told not to,
• 43:39
  But also I look back some of those key areas, it's easy to
• 43:42
  focus on the ones I didn't, but there's some key areas where I
• 43:45
  did and it made all the difference.
• 43:47
  And so being willing to, to take that step forward.
• 43:50
  But thank you so much for that. I think that is, you know, when
• 43:52
  you talk about like, you know, the, the emotion that can be
• 43:56
  attached to it, like I love you so much, it hurts to think about
• 44:01
  not being without you. And also, I'm not going to die
• 44:04
  if you're not there because I'm I'm capable and worthy and
• 44:09
  valuable and and I'll figure it out.
• 44:11
  So yeah, thank you so much for that.
• 44:14
  All right. The importance of coming back to
• 44:17
  your why and your values, I would think for you, you coming
• 44:22
  to your conclusion on what those were for, you had to play a big
• 44:26
  role in the decisions you were able to make.
• 44:30
  Yeah. And it's hard sometimes.
• 44:33
  I mean, like the process of coming back to means you have to
• 44:37
  acknowledge where you deviated from, right?
• 44:41
  And so like being gentle with yourself in the process.
• 44:46
  But yeah, I mean, learning, learning what my values were was
• 44:55
  really interesting because it showed me why I didn't get along
• 45:00
  in certain areas of the church, right?
• 45:02
  Like where there's friction, it's probably pointing you to
• 45:07
  something about yourself. So for me, right, one of my, my
• 45:12
  biggest core values is liminality, which isn't a real
• 45:15
  word. I just made it one.
• 45:17
  The real word is liminal, but I, I, I always was OK with not
• 45:24
  knowing. And it bothered me that the
• 45:27
  church felt they had so many specific answers that they
• 45:30
  couldn't possibly know. I'm like, but that's actually
• 45:34
  not in the Bible. How do you know that?
• 45:36
  Like, right. And that really bothered me.
• 45:40
  And that was, that was a rubbing point for me.
• 45:44
  So that was, that was huge, allowing people to have their
• 45:48
  own story. Like, you know, so much of, you
• 45:53
  know, sharing your testimony, We all knew there were good
• 45:56
  testimonies and not good testimonies, right?
• 45:59
  And we knew what the formula was to have a good testimony.
• 46:03
  And I didn't, I didn't like that.
• 46:05
  I didn't like that filtering and polishing because that's not,
• 46:12
  that's not humanity. Like that's not.
• 46:14
  People. I also, I just don't, I don't
• 46:19
  like it when people gatekeep information.
• 46:22
  I don't like it. It bothers me.
• 46:25
  It makes me feel like you're trying to control me and you're
• 46:29
  trying to control other people. And so I'm like, just be honest.
• 46:33
  That doesn't mean you have to share your deepest, darkest
• 46:36
  secrets. Actually, I think you should
• 46:37
  keep some of those to yourself. And that falls back to the
• 46:40
  boundary conversation. But living authentically and
• 46:46
  being like transparent with what is truth or what is not truth or
• 46:50
  narrative or whatever it allowing, allowing that to be is
• 46:57
  really important for me and my wise and my core values.
• 47:01
  And so I think it's really hard sometimes for us just as people
• 47:08
  to know this is what I stand for and I didn't follow it.
• 47:14
  And can you forgive yourself? Can you accept that you are
• 47:19
  human? So you might not always follow
• 47:22
  what you stand for, but having the courage to come back, like
• 47:26
  actually I have the courage to work with myself to reintegrate
• 47:32
  that piece and get back in alignment and pay the dues to
• 47:35
  myself and if needed to my community or whatever that looks
• 47:39
  like, right? That could be a spouse, that
• 47:42
  could be a friend, that could be a family member, whatever that
• 47:45
  looks like for you. And also it doesn't have to.
• 47:50
  And I think that's the beauty of for me, coming back to my why
• 47:55
  means coming back to what is my authenticity and what is my
• 48:01
  integrity. Not this concept of what
• 48:03
  integrity is. We, we have like a very specific
• 48:06
  cultural understanding of what integrity means.
• 48:10
  But for for you, like you're in your DNA, in your guts, in your
• 48:16
  bones, What is integris to you? What allows you to sleep at
• 48:22
  night? What gives you peace?
• 48:26
  And to me, a lot of the deconstruction process, a lot of
• 48:30
  the recovery process, like recovering from trauma, all
• 48:34
  those things, it is that it is. I'm OK loving myself through the
• 48:40
  process of getting back to myself and being OK with how my
• 48:45
  authenticity and how my integrity is perceived.
• 48:50
  That's OK. Yeah, yeah.
• 48:52
  And this rolls perfectly into to living out of your own
• 48:57
  expectations versus others because that when you
• 49:01
  deconstruct, it's a whole unraveling of that.
• 49:04
  It's looking at everything you've been told and unpacking
• 49:10
  what's actually true for you. So talk to me about that piece.
• 49:15
  Yeah, I deconstruction for me was brutal because I didn't
• 49:23
  know. I didn't know myself.
• 49:25
  Who was Kellyanne? I couldn't tell you.
• 49:27
  I don't know what I liked. I didn't know what my dreams
• 49:29
  were. I didn't know what I wanted to
• 49:31
  be when I grew up. I didn't know any of those
• 49:35
  things. And so that piece of getting
• 49:38
  back to your integrity, you have to be OK with the discovery.
• 49:43
  You have to be OK with trying things on, seeing how they feel,
• 49:46
  seeing how they look and deciding if you don't like it
• 49:49
  anymore. And eventually as you exercise
• 49:54
  your voice, what you like, what you don't like, because that can
• 49:56
  be so overwhelming. And I'll get to that in a
• 49:58
  second. But that forges the way to get
• 50:04
  back to yourself. And you'll know, you'll know
• 50:08
  when you are in your own integrity, when you are in your
• 50:12
  own authenticity and when you're not.
• 50:13
  And that's why I think it's really important to try things
• 50:17
  on right, to see how it feels. Does this feel right?
• 50:23
  Am I comfortable? Am I comfortable in a way that
• 50:27
  like I'm stretching myself, I'm pushing myself a little bit, I'm
• 50:31
  a little out of my effort zone or do I feel icky?
• 50:34
  Like if you feel icky, that's OK.
• 50:36
  You tried set it down like that's totally fine.
• 50:40
  And I think there there needs to be a little bit of a permission
• 50:44
  for that. I think we people have a deep
• 50:49
  concern about being fake. There's a huge difference
• 50:53
  between wearing a mask, which I would say is more survival.
• 50:57
  But for the argument, we'll say fake and trying, trying,
• 51:01
  exploring and and you're OK to change your mind.
• 51:06
  That's such a huge piece. You're totally OK to change your
• 51:09
  mind. And we sometimes are pretty
• 51:12
  harsh on people that change their minds.
• 51:15
  And I'm like, why are we doing that?
• 51:17
  Like because if we're not growing, if we're not getting
• 51:21
  closer to who we are as our own people, right?
• 51:24
  You've talked about pulling back layers.
• 51:27
  If we're not OK pulling back those layers and exposing deeper
• 51:32
  truths about ourselves or finding more of who we are, then
• 51:36
  like, what are we doing? I don't know.
• 51:39
  Yeah, yeah, I, I love that you've brought up the piece of
• 51:44
  continuing to explore because when you've been living off
• 51:46
  someone else's script that you've been told is the right
• 51:49
  script for you, you don't necessarily even know where to
• 51:53
  start because no one's ever asked you.
• 51:56
  You've not been given the choice.
• 51:58
  And so you do have to go through various iterations to kind of
• 52:03
  find what feels authentic to you and what aligns with you.
• 52:08
  And yeah, I think that and I, I would say is this, when did you
• 52:13
  realize that you were chronically curious?
• 52:16
  Because traditional evangelical, traditional written, I can't
• 52:22
  even speak evangelical religion spaces do not encourage
• 52:26
  curiosity like that is being curious gets you in trouble, so
• 52:30
  to speak. So talk to me about how that
• 52:33
  played into this realization of what your expectations of how
• 52:38
  you want to show up in your life evolved.
• 52:41
  Yeah, I love this question. I think the earliest memory I
• 52:47
  have of being like, oh, I was too curious was in I think first
• 52:52
  grade and Sunday school in my conservative United Methodist
• 52:57
  Church. And I asked the Sunday school
• 53:00
  teacher the question, well, shouldn't we be grateful for
• 53:04
  Judas? Because if Judas hadn't betrayed
• 53:08
  Jesus, then he wouldn't have died for our sins in the 1st
• 53:12
  place, right? And they said, Oh my gosh, stop
• 53:18
  talking. So that gives you a peek into,
• 53:25
  you know, little Kellyanne's brain.
• 53:27
  I, I just, I loved to ask the question.
• 53:30
  I loved to, to have that different perspective.
• 53:35
  I think that came out in my deep love of reading.
• 53:38
  I loved reading from a young age and just anything, anything and
• 53:45
  everything I could kind of get my hands on.
• 53:48
  And so, you know, I, I did after my, I did three years of
• 53:54
  ministry school in my third year, I was a intern and I
• 54:02
  interned for the main theology guy in art school.
• 54:08
  I was his first female intern. I was very proud of myself.
• 54:13
  I also like to say I was born feminist.
• 54:15
  I loved to shatter ceilings anywhere I could.
• 54:20
  And I remember like, you know, doing this research and doing
• 54:27
  this digging. We were we, you know, at the
• 54:30
  time. But gosh, that was over.
• 54:33
  I want to say nine years ago now, we did a lot of research on
• 54:38
  the LGBTQ topic and basically trying to prove why it's a sin.
• 54:46
  And. I felt like there really wasn't
• 54:50
  room for much action discussion and discovery and exploration.
• 54:54
  And I'm like, you know, I, I researched for a year.
• 54:59
  I sat through many topics, many seminars and many, many classes.
• 55:07
  And I'm sorry, it's just not really in the Bible.
• 55:12
  Like the more I dig, the more I'm like, what are we talking
• 55:16
  about here? And so that's, I think when I
• 55:20
  realized, oh, I can't, I, I don't think it fully landed
• 55:24
  cognitively yet. But I realized that that rubbing
• 55:29
  that I talked about like that there's this, there's this
• 55:32
  roughness between me and this environment that doesn't fully
• 55:36
  mesh. And, and that's kind of where it
• 55:39
  started. And slowly I had to become more
• 55:44
  and more OK that I was. I was the person that wasn't
• 55:49
  afraid to ask the question and point at the elephant in the
• 55:52
  room. And that can make people really
• 55:55
  uncomfortable. Oh yeah.
• 55:56
  Because there's a bad answer and you are not to stray from that
• 56:01
  and being asking anything else or being curious about anything
• 56:04
  else. They've got all kinds of other
• 56:06
  names for you to go with that. Troublemaker.
• 56:10
  Rebel rouser, Yeah. Wolf in sheep clothing, yes.
• 56:16
  Yes Oh yeah, that's a favorite. That's a favorite.
• 56:20
  Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's so interesting.
• 56:23
  I I hear this and I'm like, Oh my gosh, I can't.
• 56:25
  There's so many things you're saying I connect wholeheartedly
• 56:29
  with the LGBTQ PS because that just never added up for me, even
• 56:34
  from the time I was a kid for 1000 different reasons.
• 56:38
  And then and then I got married and then I had family members
• 56:42
  that were part of that community that I loved and they were some
• 56:45
  of the best people I'd ever met. I'm like, no, this, this isn't
• 56:50
  right. This isn't adding up.
• 56:52
  The other piece that really rubbed me was the whole the view
• 56:57
  of men and women in a marriage. And my husband and I were very,
• 57:01
  were very, very, we are partners.
• 57:05
  No one's above the other one. And I mean, Brady would laugh
• 57:09
  when people would ask him about being the spiritual leader of
• 57:12
  the family. Like, are you kidding me?
• 57:13
  I've met her. She leads the way and
• 57:16
  everything. I mean that she was in the bit
• 57:19
  and then. And so I was, you know, I was
• 57:22
  really engaged. I was involved in women's
• 57:24
  ministry, all these things. And I found other ways to
• 57:26
  explain myself around like submission means, like submit
• 57:31
  ideas, like a book, like I found all these other ways to make it
• 57:35
  make sense for my brain because I'm like, that's not how we live
• 57:39
  nor does it feel right or authentic to us, nor would we
• 57:42
  ever ever engage with each other that way or teach our daughters
• 57:47
  to seek out relationships. There were there.
• 57:49
  So there was always those rubbing of things where I was
• 57:53
  finally like, oh, I was getting these messages, but it was
• 57:56
  they're so it's wrapped in so much fear of what's going to
• 58:01
  happen to you if and it's not until that thing just butts up
• 58:06
  against you so hard when you just can't ignore it anymore.
• 58:08
  I'm like, I'm going to take a chance on this.
• 58:11
  I'm going to take a chance on me.
• 58:13
  And and I'm going to trust all these signs and signals that
• 58:18
  I've been getting for years. And I'm going to, I'm going to
• 58:21
  take this step in this direction.
• 58:22
  But yeah, there's a lot of, it's a very interesting because it so
• 58:29
  many times it can, it can be loss of community and a loss of
• 58:34
  a way of life that you've always known.
• 58:36
  I mean, there's a lot of things that are losses within that
• 58:39
  because you just can't engage in the same way with so many of
• 58:43
  these people. And they're always trying to
• 58:45
  subtly bring you back. And it's just like, if you can't
• 58:48
  just love me for who I am, where I'm at, then I've been, we just,
• 58:53
  I'm just going to have to, you know, love you from afar.
• 58:56
  I think what broke my heart the most is I had some really close
• 58:59
  relationships in my life throughout where I could see
• 59:02
  that they knew, but they just, their families were so
• 59:05
  entrenched so deeply, so generationally, they couldn't
• 59:09
  stand the thought of walking away and have and being outside
• 59:13
  of that. And so they stay.
• 59:16
  And I was just like, yeah. So thank you for all of that.
• 59:20
  And I and I, I think it's just so important to where you're
• 59:25
  able to get to that point where you're able to really realize,
• 59:28
  oh, this is who I am. This is what's authentic to me.
• 59:33
  This is feels in alignment. I don't have that angst anymore.
• 59:37
  I don't. My curiosity is welcome here.
• 59:40
  I'm I'm supposed to continue to learn, evolve and grow.
• 59:44
  I'm never supposed to have the idea that I've arrived because I
• 59:48
  have a sneaky suspicion that God is that they're going.
• 59:51
  What have you done? What is happening here?
• 59:56
  And this idea for me, I've really come into this, God shows
• 1:00:00
  up for all of us if you choose. For me, I've stayed with God
• 1:00:05
  just shows up in a completely different way than I was taught
• 1:00:08
  for me. And God can take on many
• 1:00:11
  iterations and God and there are many iterations of God in all
• 1:00:15
  kinds of faith spaces. And all those people get to that
• 1:00:19
  in a way that's aligned and authentic with them and.
• 1:00:23
  Instead of saying what my way or the highway, how about welcoming
• 1:00:27
  in all these different ways that we can meet God in all the
• 1:00:32
  different ways that are possible.
• 1:00:34
  And so when people are, you know, so it's, I think it's, and
• 1:00:37
  where my curiosity and my learning and my evolving and my
• 1:00:40
  growing is welcome. And all the parts of me that I
• 1:00:45
  was created with, whether it's my heart, my soul, my vagina or
• 1:00:51
  my clitoris, which no one told me I had until it was in my
• 1:00:56
  early 30s. So there's that whole piece of
• 1:01:00
  my existence that I like. Sometimes you just got to laugh
• 1:01:03
  about things. But I mean, there was like this
• 1:01:05
  deciding by humans that only you can only know pieces and parts
• 1:01:09
  of this when when I believe our bodies were made with all these
• 1:01:12
  things that were meant to be known about and educated about
• 1:01:15
  and talked about openly and lovingly and kindly and, and in
• 1:01:19
  a welcoming way. Like to have the realization
• 1:01:21
  pleasure is a good thing and it's good for my health and it's
• 1:01:24
  not bad and it's not evil. It doesn't make me dirty.
• 1:01:26
  I mean, there's just so many other pieces and iterations of
• 1:01:30
  that when you can get to that. Oh, OK.
• 1:01:34
  I think I understand how it is. I'm supposed to exist in the
• 1:01:37
  world. And.
• 1:01:39
  Yeah. So, yeah, I, I mean, I think
• 1:01:42
  there's just, there's so many layers to that, which leads us
• 1:01:45
  to, you know, accepting the layered aspects of yourself.
• 1:01:48
  Talk to me about your layers journey.
• 1:01:52
  Yeah, no, thank you so much 'cause I, you brought up
• 1:01:55
  pleasure, thank you for that, 'cause I forgot to bring that
• 1:01:59
  up. And that's such an important
• 1:02:01
  piece of it. A lot of my, I mean a lot of my
• 1:02:05
  layers has been accepting my humanity because humanity was a
• 1:02:10
  very bad thing to be. But we're definitely human.
• 1:02:15
  And I don't know how to love myself if I don't love the fact
• 1:02:18
  that I'm a human. Another layer on a physical
• 1:02:23
  level is it's good to be in a body.
• 1:02:26
  Like a lot of the time, our body, like if it feels like
• 1:02:30
  we've been in conflict, or at least my experiences, I felt
• 1:02:33
  like I was in conflict with my body.
• 1:02:36
  And it's like, oh, it's so good to be in a body and like when
• 1:02:40
  you can, you know, one of one of the modalities in non linear
• 1:02:45
  movement is pleasure practice. It's just can you notice what
• 1:02:49
  feels good and it doesn't like? It.
• 1:02:53
  What does your hair feel like on your, on your cheek?
• 1:02:57
  You know, how does, is your T-shirt soft?
• 1:03:00
  Does that feel good on you? Like, what is what does the
• 1:03:03
  ground under your feet feel like?
• 1:03:06
  Like noticing those subtleties and just realizing, Oh my gosh,
• 1:03:11
  it's so good to be in a body, you know, regardless of chronic
• 1:03:15
  pain, regardless of all these other things, right?
• 1:03:19
  It is so good to be in a body. And when you create more space
• 1:03:23
  for that, I find that pleasure increases.
• 1:03:29
  And that is everything because I, I've had my own journey with
• 1:03:35
  pleasure and with, you know, my sexuality and how I show up in
• 1:03:41
  that space. And that is a whole other piece
• 1:03:44
  of it. And that level of Wellness and
• 1:03:49
  then understanding and being OK with layers of healing, right?
• 1:03:54
  Sometimes we address a layer and it feels like one step forward,
• 1:03:58
  2 steps back, or two steps forward, one step back, whatever
• 1:04:02
  the phrase is. And it's OK that that you need
• 1:04:06
  to take a step back because you're worth it.
• 1:04:09
  You're worth slowing down, right?
• 1:04:11
  Like, and I think for me, like knowing that there's layers of
• 1:04:18
  healing, layers of recovery, layers of acceptance, and that I
• 1:04:25
  think that is the work. I think that is the like, you
• 1:04:29
  know, we've said that, you know, there's not a destination that
• 1:04:32
  you're arriving at other than yourself.
• 1:04:35
  And I think that there is, that is the work, but it's, it really
• 1:04:42
  is the journey and not the destination.
• 1:04:44
  Again, the cliches and being, yeah, being OK with that.
• 1:04:50
  And sometimes I'm don't feel OK with that.
• 1:04:53
  And that is also wholeness work. Wholeness work is bringing all
• 1:04:57
  of yourself. Sometimes I will find myself in
• 1:05:01
  tears and being like, I thought I was over this and it's like,
• 1:05:04
  oh, it's not about over. It's about.
• 1:05:07
  Deeper. That's so good.
• 1:05:10
  I like that so much. Yeah.
• 1:05:14
  Well, I mean, and you said something that I think that's
• 1:05:17
  it's so important, too, that we are raised with this idea in
• 1:05:22
  these spaces that our bodies are against us and not for us.
• 1:05:26
  My body is for me. She gives me clues to let me
• 1:05:30
  know when I need her attention. So we talk so horribly,
• 1:05:34
  especially as women, about our bodies.
• 1:05:36
  Oh, my health is failing. Oh, my body won't work anymore
• 1:05:40
  other than she's screaming for help.
• 1:05:43
  She just needs you to tend to her and I complete switch in
• 1:05:47
  thinking for me. I mean, people that are
• 1:05:49
  listening to this now that knew me 1015 years ago, I'm like, who
• 1:05:52
  is that? I mean, honestly, like it's
• 1:05:55
  really been a huge switch in my thinking and how I say things
• 1:05:59
  and in the framework I put them in.
• 1:06:01
  But I learned like, Oh no, she's sending me clues.
• 1:06:03
  Emotions are not good or bad. They're clues.
• 1:06:06
  They're letting you know what needs to be tended to, what
• 1:06:09
  needs your energy. And so I have been able to see
• 1:06:12
  it that way. Continuing with the curiosity
• 1:06:15
  and, and I think with going back to the liminality, I'm going to
• 1:06:19
  borrow that word that goes so succinctly with layers, because
• 1:06:24
  layers, it means embracing all the parts, the Gray.
• 1:06:29
  It's not an exact science. It ebbs and flows.
• 1:06:33
  Things are going to be uncovered and recovered and uncovered
• 1:06:36
  again. And it's being it's being
• 1:06:39
  willing to stay curious in that space when they come up rather
• 1:06:44
  than, Oh my gosh, I can't believe this is happening me to
• 1:06:47
  me again. Oh my gosh, I can't believe my
• 1:06:48
  body is doing this again. It's like, huh, I wonder what?
• 1:06:53
  I wonder what's happening today that that brought that up.
• 1:06:56
  And I think you said something earlier and it reminded me to
• 1:06:59
  come back to it. We treat narratives and thoughts
• 1:07:03
  and our preconceived notions of what we think people are
• 1:07:06
  thinking as truths. And we don't have to consider,
• 1:07:10
  is that actually true? You know, what evidence do I
• 1:07:14
  have of that truth? Or is that simply something I've
• 1:07:18
  convinced myself is true? I mean, my husband and I have it
• 1:07:21
  and he's really good at like, are you telling yourself
• 1:07:24
  stories? You know, I mean, literally
• 1:07:26
  people say that to me. And I will say, you know, what
• 1:07:29
  kind of story you got going on in your head about that?
• 1:07:31
  That doesn't, it feels like we need to unpack a little more of
• 1:07:34
  that and to have that language even like we didn't even have
• 1:07:37
  that language language 7-8 years ago with each other.
• 1:07:40
  And to have that language now. But to allow all of that.
• 1:07:46
  Yeah. I mean, for us to realize how
• 1:07:48
  expansive we are and what we're actually capable when we stop
• 1:07:52
  living in fear of messing up, of being wrong, of doing wrong, of
• 1:07:58
  like, Oh my gosh, I do this. Is there is there going to be
• 1:08:00
  room for me over here? No, I am.
• 1:08:03
  I am designed to live the most authentic, whole, loving, kind,
• 1:08:08
  empathetic and accountable life because I think it can't we get
• 1:08:12
  a weird relationship with accountability when you come up
• 1:08:15
  with these spaces because accountability and discipline
• 1:08:19
  get really messed up with each other.
• 1:08:21
  And it's that no accountability is is taking action in my own
• 1:08:26
  life. And like, you just can't expect
• 1:08:30
  things to change. You've got to be an active
• 1:08:33
  participant in that. And so I think I had to relearn
• 1:08:38
  what accountability meant and not and and change and reframe.
• 1:08:43
  I'm curious, is that something that you've had to work through
• 1:08:46
  to? Yeah, I would actually say that
• 1:08:50
  for me, accountability and the discipline piece as well, those
• 1:08:54
  are both actively being worked through right now for me because
• 1:08:58
  I still get that, that anxious feeling in my chest, right.
• 1:09:03
  And accountability though it like I for myself, the recovery
• 1:09:09
  piece has looked like, well, what could it look like?
• 1:09:12
  Could accountability look like? I am making sure that I'm kind
• 1:09:18
  to myself. I am making sure that I'm gentle
• 1:09:21
  with myself because I, I'm with you, you know, when I make
• 1:09:27
  mistakes, I will beat myself up about it internally.
• 1:09:31
  Like, Oh my gosh, I should have known.
• 1:09:33
  I'm like, that's literally not how a mistake works.
• 1:09:38
  Like if you knew you wouldn't have done it.
• 1:09:42
  That's that's literally why, what makes it a mistake?
• 1:09:45
  And so working through that on a nervous system level, like,
• 1:09:49
  okay, what is that feeling? What is that feeling holding in
• 1:09:54
  my body? Can I release that?
• 1:09:56
  Can I move in a way that lets that be acknowledged?
• 1:10:00
  Can I breathe into it? And letting that feeling, you
• 1:10:05
  know, I, I agree with you. Our feelings are clues.
• 1:10:08
  They're ways back to ourselves. So let your feelings show you
• 1:10:14
  how to work through things. And so that for me is a recovery
• 1:10:18
  piece right now. And it's one of those things
• 1:10:21
  that I and I had to just like, set down for a minute and just
• 1:10:25
  be OK with. Like, I don't have this worked
• 1:10:28
  out. I don't have it figured out.
• 1:10:30
  And then, you know, more recently, having more space,
• 1:10:35
  having more capacity to start to feel into some of those harder,
• 1:10:40
  for me, harder emotions. They feel very embodied.
• 1:10:46
  I still remember, gosh, in church when we'd talk about
• 1:10:49
  discipline or we'd talk about accountability and it's like,
• 1:10:54
  how do I make myself feel safe in the presence of
• 1:10:59
  accountability or in the presence of discipline?
• 1:11:05
  Yeah, that's it's some stuff. It really is some stuff.
• 1:11:09
  And I think she brought up an important point and my therapist
• 1:11:12
  reminded me this. And every once in a while she'd
• 1:11:14
  be like, I'm very tasked check it off, look at what I've done.
• 1:11:18
  I'm doing good oriented. Like I've really had to unpack
• 1:11:21
  that. And so she would every once in a
• 1:11:24
  while with me say, make sure as you're doing these, you've got
• 1:11:29
  these steps and you're putting these processes in place that
• 1:11:32
  they don't become a checklist item.
• 1:11:34
  They're still actively working for you.
• 1:11:36
  And also, you don't have to be healing 24 hours a day.
• 1:11:41
  You have not failed. If you need to give yourself a
• 1:11:44
  rest and a break, she goes the rest in the break aren't just
• 1:11:48
  from OK, it's it's Sunday. I'm not going to do my cardio or
• 1:11:53
  lift my weights today. I'm going to give my body rest.
• 1:11:56
  It's resting your brain. She's like, I want you to go
• 1:11:58
  have fun this weekend, not because it's good for your
• 1:12:01
  cortisol or good for your serotonin levels or I want you
• 1:12:04
  to just go have fun for the sake of having fun.
• 1:12:06
  I was just like, that's an unproductive.
• 1:12:10
  I mean, so I mean, it was like something I'm still learning and
• 1:12:14
  growing into, but it's that giving yourself a break of like
• 1:12:18
  that is that thing. We're going to put that on the
• 1:12:21
  shelf. That's not me.
• 1:12:23
  And learning the difference between that's not me stuffing
• 1:12:26
  it or ignoring it or having shame or fear around it.
• 1:12:29
  That's me simply recognizing where my capacity is and that I
• 1:12:34
  will get. I need to walk this piece out so
• 1:12:37
  I can show up fully and ready, feeling safe and ready in that
• 1:12:41
  space later. So also learning the difference
• 1:12:43
  between those things. So I had a big fear of like, I
• 1:12:46
  can't stuff anything anymore. My body can't carry it.
• 1:12:48
  And it's like you're letting you know and then being reminded
• 1:12:51
  that's fear driving you. We need to.
• 1:12:54
  Yeah. And so we're not going to fear
• 1:12:56
  is not driving the car anymore. And so I think, yeah, just it is
• 1:13:03
  it it. And and that's I think where I
• 1:13:05
  like this layers piece became such a pivotal part of my
• 1:13:09
  journey and, and being like, I don't live in this tunnel
• 1:13:15
  vision. There's only space for one of
• 1:13:17
  these things and everything else gets shoved aside.
• 1:13:19
  I live in a much more open space and I'm capable of carrying
• 1:13:26
  more. You know, I can be both grateful
• 1:13:30
  and scared at the same time. I can be both grateful and know
• 1:13:35
  that something needs to change. Because another thing that
• 1:13:37
  happens a lot in these spaces is what I call weaponized
• 1:13:40
  gratitude, where it's like, you know, just like, well, you've
• 1:13:45
  got this and you have that. And we do.
• 1:13:47
  You're the first female intern. You should be thankful.
• 1:13:51
  And I'm like, yes, I am. No one said I wasn't.
• 1:13:55
  Thanks for assuming that. I'm not thankful just because I
• 1:13:58
  see space for, you know, something to be better too.
• 1:14:02
  So yeah, in living out feel, finding empowerment, embracing
• 1:14:06
  layers. Talk to me about the what the
• 1:14:10
  difference that has made in your life with your relationship with
• 1:14:13
  yourself 1st and then also with other people.
• 1:14:19
  Yeah, yeah, it's such a good question.
• 1:14:22
  I I mean, for me it has changed the way I experienced myself.
• 1:14:27
  Like I, I am not constantly trying to assess what is
• 1:14:33
  acceptable and what is unacceptable.
• 1:14:36
  Oh. Wow.
• 1:14:37
  It's just what is. It's just what's present.
• 1:14:41
  And now I can decide what I do with that, right?
• 1:14:45
  Like one of my favorite exercise sizes that I, I walk students
• 1:14:51
  through is start to take inventory with what you're
• 1:14:55
  showing up with, almost like you're picking things up off of
• 1:14:58
  a shelf. Look at them, be curious about
• 1:15:02
  them, and then you can set them back down.
• 1:15:05
  Like you actually don't have to like what you were saying.
• 1:15:08
  You don't have to do something with everything right now.
• 1:15:14
  You know, like, just because you have huge capacity, you're, you
• 1:15:18
  know, doesn't mean you can just like do everything at once.
• 1:15:22
  And so for me, it's it is that embracing of the both and I can
• 1:15:27
  be this and also this. I can do that and also need
• 1:15:31
  rest, right? I can, you know, they're we're
• 1:15:36
  complex creatures and we have a lot to bring.
• 1:15:40
  And so for me, it has changed the way I experienced myself and
• 1:15:45
  it has changed the way I createspace for myself.
• 1:15:48
  It's changed the way I feel guilty or not guilty about
• 1:15:53
  setting boundaries. The script has flipped on that.
• 1:15:57
  I used to feel guilty about setting boundaries.
• 1:15:59
  Now I feel guilty for not setting them very different
• 1:16:03
  right or even self-care. I don't see a magnesium bath at
• 1:16:10
  the end of a long day as selfish.
• 1:16:13
  I see it as essential. It it's the script flips, I
• 1:16:19
  think, and that is that is the difference between living for
• 1:16:25
  yourself and living for others. And, you know, back to that, you
• 1:16:31
  know, fond piece, back to the people pleasing piece, how it's
• 1:16:35
  changed for myself is or for others is it actually allows me
• 1:16:41
  to let people in more because it's it's pulling back that mask
• 1:16:50
  of what I think people want to see and just being like this is
• 1:16:54
  what it is. And that authenticity, that
• 1:16:59
  genuineness is, is the truth of who I am not.
• 1:17:05
  Oh, I'm trying to like, I feel like we almost, or at least
• 1:17:08
  myself, I used to try to entertain.
• 1:17:11
  I used to be like, let me give you a good like experience.
• 1:17:17
  Leave your Yelp review and it better be 4 1/2 stars or I'm
• 1:17:21
  going to beat myself up for two weeks about it, right?
• 1:17:25
  Like very different experiences and then people get to
• 1:17:30
  experience me differently and I don't leave those interactions
• 1:17:34
  feeling weighed down and burdened.
• 1:17:37
  And again, I'm not perfect all the time.
• 1:17:40
  We all still have our neuro pathways that are being right,
• 1:17:44
  that are being loved on. But you know, I'm not, I'm not
• 1:17:49
  in those thought patterns. I'm not thinking about others
• 1:17:53
  like, Oh my gosh, I should have said this and I said this, or I
• 1:17:57
  should have, right? And the difference is, I think
• 1:18:01
  giving myself permission to follow up with people, like you
• 1:18:04
  were talking about telling yourself a story.
• 1:18:06
  I use those words too. I will straight up be like, hey,
• 1:18:12
  you said this, I said this. I'm afraid that you actually
• 1:18:15
  experienced it like this. Is that true?
• 1:18:18
  And being curious about other people's experience because,
• 1:18:22
  like, we get caught up in how we think people experienced us, but
• 1:18:26
  you can just Fact Check. Yeah.
• 1:18:29
  Just like, hey, I'm just curious, did this happen?
• 1:18:32
  And like, I've never heard people say, Oh my gosh, totally.
• 1:18:38
  I've like never heard people say that.
• 1:18:42
  And if it does, like if it creates an opening, it opens the
• 1:18:46
  door for more conversation. If that relationship is really
• 1:18:49
  like, is I really value you? I want to lean into this a
• 1:18:53
  little bit. Is that OK?
• 1:18:55
  And if they have something to share now, you know, you have
• 1:18:58
  more information. It goes back to accepting those
• 1:19:01
  mistakes. If you've had that information,
• 1:19:04
  never would have done what you did, and that's OK.
• 1:19:07
  Yeah, yeah, yeah, absolutely. And it's that I think, you know,
• 1:19:13
  for years I wore performing well, like a badge of honor.
• 1:19:17
  And yeah. And so releasing that and also
• 1:19:22
  the story, you know, going back to the stories and situation
• 1:19:26
  last week and what you said about the follow up reminded me
• 1:19:29
  of this. It was something where it's
• 1:19:30
  like, you know, this conversation happened.
• 1:19:33
  I think I better follow up with these two and make sure because
• 1:19:36
  I really think I had this conversation with them.
• 1:19:38
  I feel like I did. And my husband's like, I want
• 1:19:43
  you to sit with that for a minute.
• 1:19:45
  He's like, first, what'd your therapist say about that?
• 1:19:47
  I'm like, well, she might have been.
• 1:19:49
  And then he's like, I'm going to challenge you.
• 1:19:52
  He's like, don't you think you have the kind of relationship
• 1:19:56
  where if there was an issue, they would come back to you to
• 1:19:59
  talk to you about that? And I'm like, yeah, probably
• 1:20:04
  he's like, so maybe sit with that a little longer to make
• 1:20:09
  sure you're not just following an old narrative or an old
• 1:20:14
  habit. Because I was the over
• 1:20:17
  explaining champion of the world.
• 1:20:19
  I could justify to justify, to justify, to save my life.
• 1:20:23
  Because I just had to convince you that I was it was OK and
• 1:20:26
  that I was all right. And so I think, you know, those
• 1:20:29
  those keys, all those little narratives that run inside
• 1:20:32
  inside our heads. But yeah, and it's all about how
• 1:20:35
  we how we state it and how we present ourselves.
• 1:20:38
  Because I think, you know, the signs of being willing to be a
• 1:20:41
  good listener are those follow up things.
• 1:20:43
  It's like, especially if we feel like, you know, I was kind of
• 1:20:48
  irritable in that moment. I'm not sure that got delivered
• 1:20:51
  with the intent behind it. In my heart.
• 1:20:54
  I'm going to go back and be like, just checking in.
• 1:20:58
  What did that sound like to you when I said that?
• 1:21:02
  And having them repeat it back to you?
• 1:21:04
  I'm like, OK, great. Or OK, well, this is what I was
• 1:21:08
  hoping, you know. So I think there's a lot of
• 1:21:09
  power in that, too. Yeah, yeah, I agree.
• 1:21:14
  And yeah, that Fact Check that like I wanna see actually did.
• 1:21:20
  Did you perceive me the way I perceived me?
• 1:21:24
  Because most of the time, probably not.
• 1:21:26
  But like, you know, your nervous system could be like, oh, I was
• 1:21:32
  feeling this way. So I feel like they felt this
• 1:21:35
  way too. Yeah.
• 1:21:36
  And it's like, it's OK. Like I think feeling for myself,
• 1:21:41
  I kind of felt like a ticking tie bomb for so long, but now
• 1:21:46
  I'm like, Oh my gosh, did you feel that experience of the
• 1:21:49
  intensity of what? I feel like it's almost like
• 1:21:54
  we're I can be afraid of that personally.
• 1:21:58
  And you don't always have to be, you know, like it's like, hey,
• 1:22:03
  like I just want to know. And then sometimes you're like,
• 1:22:07
  that is me spinning a story. I know it's spinning a story.
• 1:22:10
  I'm going to go sit with myself and have a little time out.
• 1:22:14
  And once that time out's over, I'm going to see if I can let it
• 1:22:17
  go. Yeah, yeah.
• 1:22:20
  Good stuff, Such good stuff. All right, we are down to the
• 1:22:23
  rapid fire and we talked about this earlier.
• 1:22:26
  Now you're going to get a chance to speak to this name 5
• 1:22:29
  activities That Nourish you. So good.
• 1:22:33
  I love nourishing activities. I love a nature walk, a casual
• 1:22:37
  nature walk. I'm not trying to break a sweat,
• 1:22:39
  I'm trying to stroll. I love a book.
• 1:22:43
  Give me a book, give me a blanket, give me a warm cup of
• 1:22:46
  tea. I love my cats.
• 1:22:49
  They are everything. I want to pet my cat and hang
• 1:22:53
  out. I love a bath, like give me a
• 1:22:56
  warm bath, it is so good. And I love somatic exercises.
• 1:23:00
  I love gentle lazy movements that are not ambitious and just
• 1:23:07
  letting my my nervous system unwind.
• 1:23:11
  So good. All right, 5 words on how you
• 1:23:13
  want to feel the next six months.
• 1:23:16
  Six months. I want to feel grounded.
• 1:23:20
  I want to feel empowered. I want to feel stable.
• 1:23:27
  I want to feel stable. I want to feel excited and I
• 1:23:34
  want to feel, I want to feel hopeful.
• 1:23:40
  Not that I am not those things, but I want to lean into those
• 1:23:42
  things more, yeah. Yeah, I love that.
• 1:23:45
  I love that leaning into piece so good.
• 1:23:48
  All right, this will all be on our resources page at
• 1:23:51
  embracinglayers.com. But share with people right now
• 1:23:54
  where they can find you, follow you learn if they're curious
• 1:23:57
  about the semantics piece, you know things, you know what they
• 1:24:01
  how you can, how people can learn about that.
• 1:24:05
  Yeah, absolutely. You can find me on Instagram.
• 1:24:10
  I'm pretty sure it's at Carter Kellyanne.
• 1:24:16
  I should know that. It is a website.
• 1:24:18
  I've got it pulled up right now. It is actually insert.
• 1:24:22
  Yeah, it's Carter at Carter. Kellyanne.
• 1:24:24
  Exactly. I nailed it.
• 1:24:26
  Thank you. I have a website that is
• 1:24:31
  functioning. It's Kelly Carter, somatics.com.
• 1:24:35
  Nice. Also you can just e-mail me if
• 1:24:38
  you wanna talk somatics. You can e-mail me.
• 1:24:41
  It's, I'm pretty sure it's kelly.cartersomatics@gmail.com.
• 1:24:49
  But I would also, you know, those are, those are how you can
• 1:24:52
  get in contact with me. I would also, you know, there's
• 1:24:56
  a lot of really great somatic educators in the space.
• 1:24:59
  One of my favourites is the workout witch.
• 1:25:03
  I'm currently taking her certification course for somatic
• 1:25:08
  exercises that I keep talking about.
• 1:25:10
  She's the one that was really my way in.
• 1:25:14
  I would also recommend Michaela Boheme.
• 1:25:18
  She she is the founder of non linear movement and I she does
• 1:25:24
  classes for free online a couple times a month.
• 1:25:29
  And so if you are wanting to dig into some gentle somatic
• 1:25:34
  practices, I personally love that one, but there's all kinds
• 1:25:40
  of great trauma informed stuff out in the world right now.
• 1:25:44
  So I would say explore and see what resonates for you.
• 1:25:50
  For some people it's breath work, for some people it's
• 1:25:52
  movement. For some people it's meditation.
• 1:25:55
  For some of us, it's a little bit of everything.
• 1:25:58
  So I think dig in because it's such a beautiful way to get back
• 1:26:03
  to yourself. Oh, that's such a great way to
• 1:26:06
  wrap that up. Such a beautiful way to get back
• 1:26:09
  to yourself. Thanks so much.
• 1:26:11
  I knew this was going to be such a great conversation.
• 1:26:14
  I'm so glad that we were able to connect and do this.
• 1:26:18
  I'm so it's fun to watch your journey.
• 1:26:21
  I think it's just refreshing and a reminder of what's possible.
• 1:26:26
  And I think that we need more of that and it, and it's so
• 1:26:29
  important to hear people of all ages having that experience.
• 1:26:33
  I mean, you're the same age as my daughters.
• 1:26:35
  And so I get a very like motherly response when I, when I
• 1:26:39
  think about that. But also too, just to let you
• 1:26:41
  know, 20s, thirties, 40s, fifties, 60s, wherever you are,
• 1:26:45
  seventies, 80s, teens, if you're feeling like this is these
• 1:26:51
  things are for you, trust that nudge and and take on that.
• 1:26:56
  Be chronically curious. That's not.
• 1:26:59
  And if somebody's trying to tell you that's wrong, don't listen
• 1:27:02
  to that. Trust that it's there for you.
• 1:27:05
  It will serve you well if you lean into that.
• 1:27:08
  So thank you so much for being with me today.
• 1:27:11
  I appreciate it. Listeners, take a look at all
• 1:27:14
  these resources and again, like it, you know, take good care of
• 1:27:18
  yourselves, be chronically curious, lean in and really
• 1:27:23
  trust that you know when you listen to yourself what is best
• 1:27:29
  for you and don't let anyone dissuade you from that.
• 1:27:33
  All right, take care and we'll see you next time here on the
• 1:27:36
  Field podcast. Hello and thank you so much for
• 1:27:39
  being with us today on this episode of the Field podcast.
• 1:27:44
  If you would like more information on how you can apply
• 1:27:48
  these talking points that I share with our guests in each
• 1:27:52
  episode to your own life, really utilize this field framework, go
• 1:27:57
  to embracinglayers.com, fill out our contact form and let's set
• 1:28:02
  up a free 30 minute consultation to talk about how you can start
• 1:28:07
  living your most authentic, organic, healthy, feel fueled
• 1:28:13
  life. Thanks again for being with us
• 1:28:15
  today. We'll be back to you soon with
• 1:28:17
  another episode here on the Feel Podcast.