Latest / The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten / The Real Reason Women Don't Respect Preoccupied Attachment Guys

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The Real Reason Women Don't Respect Preoccupied Attachment Guys · The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten

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  Hi everybody, and welcome to the Doctor Psych Mom Show.
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  Today we're going to be talking about the real reason why women
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  don't like preoccupied attachment, guys.
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  And before that, please do subscribe.
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  My most recent subscriber episode was How to Find Deeper
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  Meaning in Your Life and Unconditionally Loving Your
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  Spouse, particularly for men about their wives.
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  And that and about 140 more are yours if you subscribe for 899 a
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  month. All right, so preoccupied
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  attachment guys. I have a whole podcast about it.
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  I have my original attachment theory podcast which you can
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  listen to, which is a subscriber episode.
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  I have other ones about a preoccupied attachment.
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  It's specifically and you can always search on Spotify in the
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  app, on the search bar of this podcast for basically any word.
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  And here it would be attachment and preoccupied.
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  Both of those searches will be very fruitful.
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  So anyway, these are the guys that are very anxious, clingy,
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  jealous, controlling, and it stems from low self esteem and
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  they are classically partnered with more avoidant attachment
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  women and they exacerbate these women's existing avoidant
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  leanings by being basically up their ass all the time, as I
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  always say. So why do women not respect this
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  attachment style? Well, I'll tell you.
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  Can you picture a president being like this?
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  Can you picture a fighter pilot being like this?
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  Can you picture a firefighter being like this?
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  Can you picture somebody who has a lot of other important shit
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  going on, wondering why his wife waited so long to text him back
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  during the day? No, you can't.
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  You really can't. And do you know why?
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  Because they have other shit to do so evolutionarily.
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  And you know, I love evolutionary explanations for
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  things. Women want a man who can protect
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  them and who can take care of them.
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  And there is no man that can protect you or take care of you
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  if they can never stop thinking about you.
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  So definitionally, if they are up your ass following you
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  around, asking you to think about the relationship as much
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  as they think about the relationship and thinking mostly
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  about different positions to have sex with you in that could
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  possibly make you feel the way that they think that you felt
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  with your college boyfriend, then you cannot really, you
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  know, feel that that man has an important evolutionary trait,
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  which is the ability to take care of another human being,
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  You, children, anybody, because they can't get their head out of
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  their ass long enough to do it. And this is so key.
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  And the most, the the biggest epiphany that a lot of
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  preoccupied attachment guys have is when I say, would you be
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  attracted to your wife if she was following you around all the
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  time, asking you if you were cheating on her?
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  And most of them say, well, yeah, that would be nice.
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  And I said, well think about it though.
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  Like really think about it like the Twilight Zone episode Love
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  Potion #9 or something about Love potion.
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  And I think I've talked to you about it, but I won't ruin it
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  for anybody. I mean, the point is he really
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  wants her to love him back and well, you got to watch it.
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  I really don't want to ruin it for you.
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  But anyway, it's you could find it with love potion or something
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  like that. The point is, most guys who put
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  in a cursory amount of effort can remember that there were in
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  fact women that were pretty clingy to them and they didn't
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  like it. They didn't like it at all and
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  in fact they went for more avoidant women and that's who
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  really floated their boat. And I I talk about this
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  constantly where in my most recent episode why some guys
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  think treat them mean keep them keen works.
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  It's because these are preoccupied attachment guys and
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  they are finally learning how to act more confident and you
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  should check that one out if you haven't.
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  That is a paid 1. Treat them mean.
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  Keep them keen would be your your search term once you
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  subscribe for that one. But the the the point being, if
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  somebody has nothing going on except thinking about you, that
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  is nice for about 48 hours. And at that point you're like,
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  WTF, why are you not doing anything else in the world?
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  And so some of the guys can say, well, I do, I have a job, you
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  know, I mean, I do my job and stuff and you know, I do take
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  care of the kids. It's just, you know, I I think
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  about her a lot. And I mean, I don't know, it's
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  pretty romantic. I feel like a lot of women
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  really would like that. You know, here I am, Mr.
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  Romantic. Mr. Romantic is one thing.
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  You know, doing a sweet little thing every week is something
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  that's nice. You know, complimenting your
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  wife, that's no skin off your ass, right?
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  Do that. That takes barely any time at
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  all. If, though, you are
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  perseverating and ruminating in an obsessive way about her, and
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  that comes through and things that you do and say, she knows
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  that in every moment that you are obsessing about her, you
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  cannot be doing anything else, impressive or important.
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  I don't mean you have to be making scads of money, right?
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  But you could be doing something.
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  I mean, you could be doing some useful sort of thing.
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  A woman does not want to feel like the center of your world in
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  in. In a certain way.
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  Sure. Yes.
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  She's the, the defining relationship of your life.
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  And you've, you know, you've built a life with her and she's
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  certainly, for many men, the most important relationship of
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  your life. And that's all great.
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  But you need other foci, right? You need other things that you
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  are excited about. You need a way, You need
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  projects. You need shit that you're doing.
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  She needs to know that you can be trusted to to steer the ship
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  you know of, not her life. It doesn't need to be some
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  ridiculous red pill, masculine, feminine polarization bullshit
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  your own life. Like if she is in a bad mood,
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  so. So would you want, would you
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  want a president who, if the first lady was in a bad mood,
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  cancelled his meetings with his chief of staff or with, like,
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  the president of another country, let's say, because he
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  really had to get home and hammer this shit out and have a
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  conversation with her about just exactly what she meant by saying
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  that she never has sex dreams anymore?
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  No, you really wouldn't. You don't want that guy as your
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  president, right? You don't really want to work
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  with that guy. That guy kind of skeeves you
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  out. And it does the exact same thing
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  for women. It's just the exact same thing,
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  She's thinking. Why do you have not anything
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  else to focus on at all? What is this life that you're
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  leading? I don't think about you as much.
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  I couldn't possibly. I don't even think about the
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  kids as much as you appear to think about us, our sex life,
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  and whether I am romantically obsessed with you the way that
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  you are with me, which I could never be, because I can't.
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  No one can. Nobody can approximate what you
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  do. Where, in fact, do you get all
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  of this time? Why aren't you doing something
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  else with it? It It would be useful to think
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  about one of the least attractive hobbies to women that
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  are at least in my age range, at least according to my Facebook
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  group and the woman that I are. My clients, specifically the
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  woman that are my clients that are because everybody in my
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  Facebook group isn't unhappy. You know, they aren't unhappily
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  married, all of them. They're just, you know,
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  interested in psychology stuff, relationships and whatever.
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  This is my secret group that I'm always talking about, the blue
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  subscribe button on the doctor psych mom Facebook page.
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  But clients. So the most unattractive hobby
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  to clients that I see in my age range at least is video games,
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  right? Because the guy's just sitting
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  there obsessing over video games and or she can't possibly think
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  that it's useful. It seems like it's just a fun
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  hobby that he's spending so much time with.
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  It isn't though. Also exercise, It's not like
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  double dipping. It's not like going for a run so
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  that he's like in better shape and you know, better mood and
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  better body and like going to live longer or anything.
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  It's very sedentary and it's also very late.
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  So then he sleeps in the next day and doesn't help her with
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  various things in the morning. So this is kind of a bad one
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  according to a lot of women. All women, certainly some women
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  are gamers, as have been pointed had.
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  This has been pointed out to me, you know.
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  But either way, point is the preoccupied attachment, the
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  thinking about her all the time. It's like that.
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  It's like it feels like a meaningless sort of thing.
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  She doesn't see it as anything about her.
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  She doesn't take it as that. You're deeply in love with her.
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  Maybe when you were very young she thought that it was about
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  her. It becomes very, very obvious
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  that it's about you, but it's your thing that you do is obsess
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  about whether any given woman, it happens to be her because
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  she's married to you, isn't to you.
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  That's like a you thing, and it's something that you give up
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  a lot of time and effort in and brain space for.
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  And thus you're not doing anything else with that time.
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  All the time that you're researching relationship shit on
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  the Internet, it's time that you're not doing anything that
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  she could respect or admire that isn't about her.
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  She's never going to respect or admire you doing something about
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  her over and over unless she likes it right.
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  And this stuff always ends up going bad.
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  So every time that you listen to a relationship thing, she feels
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  like things get worse, you get more upset, you have more to
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  talk about. You say we don't have the right
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  love language, we don't have this, we don't have that.
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  We don't don't date night. We don't do this with an
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  avoidant attachment woman or a secure woman.
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  Not that any preoccupied attachment man are getting
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  securely attached woman, But if somehow you were magically, as a
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  preoccupied attachment man, dropped into a relationship with
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  a secure woman, she would be flummoxed by the amount of time
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  that you spend talking about the relationship.
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  She would be turned off, and in short order she would turn into
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  an avoidant attachment woman. That's a real episode of The
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  Twilight Zone, right? And in fact it's it's a lot like
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  that episode I originally told you to look at.
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  So the point is preoccupied attachment appears that the
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  amount that you're thinking about the person, at some point
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  they start to think what else could he be doing with that
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  time, much like they do about gaming or porn addiction or or
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  anything like that. They think what sort of
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  productive things could he be doing if he wasn't always
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  thinking about me? And it isn't really me, of
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  course, it's just validation from female partner and that's
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  me. So I guess he thinks it's about
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  me, but I know it's not. And that's what they all say to
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  me. This is him.
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  He's obsessive. If it wasn't me, it would be
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  somebody else. It's like this is just how he
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  is. And so ironically, that stops
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  the woman from working on her own.
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  Avoid an attachment. The more that she sees this as
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  basically your dysfunctional hobby of perseverating on the
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  relationship and engaging in endless loops of self
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  improvement designed to make you want her whether or not she
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  wants you should not be that important to you, she thinks.
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  And most women would think all healthy women would really think
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  that you know she wants you or she doesn't want you.
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  It's, you know, I mean, it is what it is.
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  Certainly would be better if she was trying to, you know, jump on
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  top of you naked all the time. But should this really destroy
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  your mental health if she's not? You know, I mean, in rare cases,
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  you know, sexless, completely sexless, touchless marriages.
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  Yes, of course it should impact somebody's mental health, but if
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  they were a healthy person, they would likely get out of that
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  situation and not remain in it. But on the other hand, I work
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  with many people who are having sex multiple times a week, but
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  the woman just isn't into it enough, or she isn't happy with
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  them enough, or she doesn't do enough novelty, or she doesn't
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  this, or she doesn't that. And and what the woman is
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  thinking during all of these recitations are what the hell
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  else could you be doing in the world if you were not focused on
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  this? My God, I could think of a
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  million things. And sometimes she says it and
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  sometimes she doesn't articulate it.
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  But it's always this feeling of waste.
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  Like, why is he wasting time on this topic?
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  And if you change your lens, you could really see it, man.
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  What else could I do? I really could do a lot.
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  I could really do a lot of shit if I just didn't give this much
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  of a shit about it. And this is what therapy is
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  ideal for. Why do I obsess so much about
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  this one aspect of my life? Why?
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  Well, I'll tell you, and I've told you guys before, it's
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  usually because you did not get the love that you needed as a
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  kid. And you could read books like
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  Children of the Self Absorbed to Figure this out or Running on
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  Empty by Jonas Webb or many books I have Doctor
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  samantharodman.com/rec Reading, recommended reading, Have loads
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  of books that you could read. But the point is if you are
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  obsessed with getting your emotional slash physical slash
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  sexual needs met in a situation that is not at the extremes of
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  dysfunction or sexless touchlessness, why?
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  And also, if it's gotten to the extremes of of sexless and
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  touchlessness, why Also, you know when it's always rooted in
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  the family of origin and you can see it?
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  If you kind of squint, you could see the perspective.
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  Of course she can't respect me. If all I think about is her,
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  how? How could she?
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  How could anybody respect somebody that only thought about
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  any one topic, honestly, but never mind a topic that's just
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  that person. A person that you cannot change
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  who is their own person. So it isn't even a problem to be
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  solved. And and women say he's always
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  trying to hack me, he's trying to like hack the relationship
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  and they find that to be unimpressive and honestly like
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  very boundary violating because they are not a puzzle in their
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  own mind to be hacked. They are a person.
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  They're a person with their own thoughts and feelings and no
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  matter what kind of books the guy reads, they know that they
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  are still going to be their own self, their own person, and that
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  that is what it is. And the guy just doesn't seem to
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  see that. And that's because he did not
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  get his needs met enough as a child, as I discuss in depth in
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  my Attachment Theory podcast. So I invite you to think about
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  it like this. You would probably not respect
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  your wife if all she thought about was you.
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  It would sound good, and after a couple days it would get fucking
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  old. It really would.
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  And if you cannot, if you don't have the imagination to picture
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  that, then you could in therapy talk about it because that that
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  should be obvious that too much of a good thing is not a good
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  thing anymore. And if you still idealize this,
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  do this, this, this constant obsession and remaining at this
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  obsessive newlywed stage forever, despite the fact that
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  almost everybody listening has children, jobs, et cetera, then
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  that is a very young kind of way of thinking.
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  And you probably are stuck in that idealized young headspace
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  because at a critical age, you did not get your emotional needs
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  met. And it did not allow you to move
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  forward into adulthood where you could say, oh, I have one life.
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  You know, I have one go around on the earth.
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  And I'm not going to spend more than X percent of my day
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  thinking about ways to change another human being.
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  Because that's crazy. Because I only have so much time
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  and I want to get a whole bunch of stuff accomplished and I want
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  to feel and live and do not just obsess endlessly about changing
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  how one woman looks at me. And it it can, it can be an
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  epiphany if you let it, and therapy can really, really help
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  with preoccupied attachment in both genders.
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  And you may be the woman listening to this saying that's
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  me. I obsess about him this much.
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  And in that case, same thing. I mean, I have.
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  I have this. I have things more written
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  toward women and spoken toward women about when you always date
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  jerks and avoidant husbands and things like that.
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  Trust issues. I have a whole post on that.
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  But for either gender, If you're spending that much of your time
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  perseverating on changing one human being's reactions toward
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  you, it is no wonder they do not respect that.
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  Would you? Probably not.
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  Probably. The appealing part of your
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  partner is that they don't think about you that much and you're
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  fucking jealous. You're so jealous of it.
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  That's a large part of it truly, on a very deep subconscious
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  level, is the preoccupied attachment.
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  Partner is so jealous of the avoidant partners ability to
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  have, you know, to maintain equanimity in the face of any
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  fight. To go to work right after a
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  fight, to kind of do what you do to parent, to live, to
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  socialize. No matter what's happening in
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  the relationship. And while avoiding people can
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  take that too far, you still should be able to do that to
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  live your life with the relationship being a part of it,
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  a part of it. Even if you deeply love the
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  person and they really are the center, the emotional
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  cornerstone, they are still in ours, only a part of your life
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  anyway. It could be something very, very
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  useful to introspect about. If any piece of this resonated
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  with you, therapy could help you really dig deeper and explore
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  it. And I hope you enjoyed this
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  episode and I'll talk to everybody soon.
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  Have a great day guys.