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The Version of Me I’m Becoming · Don't Quote Me....

• Tori: Hey y'all, welcome back to Don't Quote Me with Real Conversations about Mental Health, Motherhood, and Living Authentically. And today's episode is one that I think is going to be a little bit more personal. I want to talk about the version of me I'm actually becoming. Because I think we talk a lot about personal growth. We've kind of been talking about like what it looks like to heal with boundaries and things like that. Just in general life and being a therapist, talking about like becoming the best versions of ourselves or yourself. However, I feel like we don't always talk about like how uncomfortable that process can actually be because sometimes growth doesn't feel exciting. It doesn't feel natural or comfortable. Growth can often feel like grief and sometimes it can cause like confusion and sometimes it can give you that moment where you're like looking in the mirror and you're like, wait. Who actually am I, which I experience a lot. And sometimes the hardest part about becoming a different version of yourself is realizing that not everybody is going to understand that version. And quite honestly, sometimes you don't even d need to understand her yet either. Because I feel like when you're growing and you become very uncomfortable and you don't know who you are, we can usually like revert back to like, well, let's just be the old version of myself or let's go back to being this type of person because that's comfort and that is something that you're familiar with, but that isn't growing, right? So I think there are seasons in life where we realize that the person that we were a few years ago years ago isn't necessarily the person that we want to be anymore. And that doesn't mean the old version of us was bad, horrible. She probably did the best that she could when she knew what with what she knew. She probably did make decisions based on what she needed at that time. I call that surviving, so possibly needing to just survive day by day. And she was just trying to make probably everybody else happy, trying to be also like the perfect mom, the perfect wife, the perfect daughter, the perfect friend, the perfect employee And Sometimes I feel like not even sometimes, most of the time, I would stop and be like, What do people need from me? What do I need to do to appease other people and make sure that they're happy with me? Instead of asking, like, what do I actually need? And that's the difference. I think sometimes we spend too much time becoming who we're supposed to be, that we don't stop and ask ourselves who we actually want to become, right? And I'm at the point where I'm asking myself that question more. Who am I becoming? Not who does everybody else want me to be, not who I want to be in f who I was five years ago, not who I was before a mother, not who I was before certain experiences changed me, but who am I actually becoming now? October is my birthday month. So it's like I'm stepping into another year of life. So I'm just like, am I comfortable with the Tory that I am? Is this the Tory that I want to become? What does she actually look like? Who is she actually gonna be? I've found myself asking those questions consistently lately. And I think there's something that within that that we don't talk about enough. So sometimes we have to like grieve a version of ourselves that you're leaving behind. And I know that can sound strange. Because why would we grieve something you're intentionally changing? But you have to think about it this way. Maybe you're no longer the person who says yes to everything. Maybe you're no longer willing to tolerate certain behavior. Maybe you're not interested in maintaining relationships that constantly leave you emotionally exhausted. Maybe you don't want to explain every decision you make anymore. I hate it I hate a why or I just hate being questioned too much. I feel overwhelmed and I'm just like, why does what does it actually fucking matter? Like I'm just doing it because I want to. Is there an issue with like I don't understand what the issue and stuff like that? So I've realized that's something that I can't stand. What else could it be? Or maybe you were realizing that being needed by everyone isn't the same thing as being actually loved. I feel like that is something that's major that can come with growth. And those realizations can actually hurt because sometimes the old version of you had relationships built around her. People knew what they could expect from you. They knew she would answer when needed, she would help, she would show up, she would forgive, she would make excuses, she would keep the peace. And when you start changing that, people notice. Again, we're gonna loop those beautiful healthy boundaries in because that is what it is actually happening when you're growing as well, right? And you'll hear those people say, Well, you've changed a lot. And yeah, so you have. And that's not really a bad thing. And maybe that's the whole entire point as well, too. And like being a therapist and working in the mental health field, I hear all the time versions of different versions of this. Like people don't understand me anymore. My family actually thinks I'm acting very different. My fen friends say I've changed. My spouse says that, something is wrong with me and I need to go get help. And sometimes I want to sit those people down. honestly shake them because I want them to realize like, hey, no, you're actually changing and people are not comfortable with you changing and don't want to see that version of you. Because again, if somebody is okay with you changing, there would be no negative consequences of that. They would just adjust and move along with you accordingly or discuss things that make them uncomfortable and help you you help them understand things that make you uncomfortable and vice versa. All that beautiful fluff in the middle. Because changing isn't automatically a problem. Sometimes changing means that you're actually learning something. That means that you're healing from something. And sometimes changing means you're becoming more aware of your personal needs. Sometimes changing can mean you're finally recognizing patterns that you've participated in for years. And here's the uncomfortable part. When you change, your relationships may have to change too. So that's what I'm talking about. Not necessarily because everyone around you is toxic. But because those relationships now have patterns, the foundation for that relationship was already established before you were changing. And this isn't saying like, Okay, well then maybe I don't need to change because this is the love of my life or that's my best friend from two years old. No, that's not what I'm saying at all. That is not an excuse to not change. I think the proper way of saying this is I mean, kind of like what I just said. I was trying to think of what I could say, but like it's those people that are your people will flow with you and understand like growth is actually changing and people that grow change. So it's like, hey, she's just growing and changing into her own her individual self or his individual self or becoming the person that he wants to become. And that's simply okay. I will fit in where I can. She will fit into my life where she can. And so when you change that one behavior or yeah, one behavior will say the pattern of the whole relationship changes. And if you used to immediately respond to someone's demands and say, and now you're all of a sudden saying like, yeah, sorry, I can't do that, or hold on, pause. Because I will never say sorry, because you're never supposed to be sorry. You're strictly just saying no. It's going to feel so different. It's going to be so uncomfortable. If you used to avoid different difficult conversations and now you're willing to have them. That's going to feel so different and intimidating, honestly. And if you've used to apologize to keep the peace and now you pause before respon responsibly, for blah blah blah blah, excuse me, for taking responsibility for something that isn't yours, that's going to feel different. All of these things are gonna be terrifying. And this is what can cause somebody to resist wanting to change. The discomfort. But it doesn't all automatically mean that you're doing something wrong. I love to say, like when you're not comfortable with something for the moment, that is why it is needed. You need to learn to become comfortable and learn to deserve that that is the way that you actually that is the way you deserve to be treated. That is the way you deserve to react to certain c scenarios. You are allowed to do things that are more relaxing and calming to your sanity than appeasing to everybody else's first. And this kind of ties back into like people pleasing. This is where this can come into the conversation a lot because people pleasing can look like being really nice, it can look like being dependable, it can look like the person everybody can count on. And those things aren't inherently bad, right? The problem is when your kindness comes at the expense of yourself. When you constantly abandon your own needs to manage everyone else's emotions, while When you say yes while your entire body is screaming no, you feel guilty for resting, you feel guilty for setting boundaries. When somebody is disappointed with you or in your immediate reaction is like, what did I do wrong? instead of are they simply disappointed because I didn't give them what they wanted? Those are two different questions that you need to be asking yourself. And I'm learning that somebody being disappointed in me doesn't automatically mean that I've disappointed them. Sometimes people are disappointed because I choose myself and that's okay. I've learned to have to sit with that. That is something that I have initially began to, even as a therapist, yes. I have difficulties with these scenarios too. And now that I am switching it up, quote unquote, the disappointment, no, the thought of disappointment and the thought of making somebody mad is very uncomfortable for me. But it's just like at the end of the day. I have to live with myself and I want to have a regulated nervous system. I would love to have that one day. So if I'm just like, you know, down the road, they don't mess with you, they don't mess with you. But at least you're at peace with yourself. That's all that really matters at the point of at the end of the day when it comes to these things. And then I think being a mother and having motherhood adds another layer to all of this, right? Because becoming a mom can change your identity in ways that you didn't necessarily expect it to. You become responsible for these little tiny humans, these little gremlins, what I love to call them, and then suddenly everybody has an opinion. How you parent, how you discipline them, how you feed them, how you work, how much you work, how much you stay home, how much how much you balance everything. Why isn't he in a sport? Why isn't she in a sport? Why what is it? Nobody needs to go outside because everybody's gonna get kidnapped. So now he's like, okay, well, now they got this backyard. Nobody wants to go into the backyard. All these things. Criticize, criticize, criticize, criticize, criticiz them. That's all you hear. Sorry. Felt that in my soul for myself. And somewhere in the middle, trying to be a good mom, you can lose track of who the woman you are underneath that title. And when I find myself doing that, I have to remind myself I'm a mom, but I'm also still Tori. I have dreams, goals, interests in life. things I want to experience. I have parts of myself that exist existed before motherhood and parts of myself that developed because of motherhood. And I don't think motherhood requires us to completely disappear. I think we've allow I think we're allowed to evolve. We're allowed to want different things. We're allowed to have different priorities. We're allowed to admit this version of motherhood is harder than I actually expected. We're allowed to say I love my children deeply and I also miss parts of who I was before I became a mom. Both of those things can be true. And I think that's something that can sometimes become a such a stressor because even saying that out loud right now makes my nervous system jump out of my body because I'm like, my gosh, people are gonna be like, Wow, she's a tra c crappy mom because she sometimes gets tired of dealing with her kids or anything like that. But it's just like I firmly do believe that person that is emotionally, physically all of the above there for their children, the way that they're so that you're supposed to. You're allowed to be like, yeah, I'm fucking tired of these kids. Like, fuck. Like you're allowed to say that every now and then. Doesn't mean that I'm gonna abandon them or anything like that. But like, it's okay to be tired. Like, what is so wrong with that? And I feel like that is what society doesn't allow us to do. Like, again, from the last episode, if you listened, you're a mom, you're a bless you got all these blessings, yada yada yada. Yeah, motherfuckers, and I'm still tired. What is so wrong with that? Especially in this day and age. You're damned if you do, you're damned if you don't. As a mom, as a woman, period. And the most important part of all of this is like you don't sorry, my dogs are barking, doing their own thing. Something else that I've been thinking about is how much pressure we put on ourselves to have everything figured out, right? Especially because we're adults. We think we should know what career we want, what a relationship should actually look like, how we should parent, where we're going to live, what our purposes are, what we're doing next. And if we're uncertain, we think something is wrong. But what if uncertainty is actually part of becoming? You know? Like it leaves that piece of wonder and curiosity within us. And there's a book called, it's right here. It's called Brainstorm. And it's about the adolescence mind, right? And this is aging from twelve to twenty five. But there's a piece in there. And actually, I'm gonna quote it for you guys. Where's it at? Okay, so here it is. I wonder if some of the tension that I see in parents as a reaction towards adolescents is at sometimes a deep longing for those features they themselves may have lost. Okay, so let me read the part that I was referring to in the book. so it starts with here it is. The essence of the adolescent's brain changes that are the essence of healthy ways of living throughout the lifespan spell the word essence itself. So ES, emotional spark, honoring those important internal sensations that are more intense feeling I mean more intense during adolescence, but serve to create meaning and validity throughout our lives. S E, social engagement, the important connections we have with others that support our journeys through life with meaningful, mutual, rewarding relationships and novelty. How we seek out and create new experiences that engage us fully, stimulationally, stimulating wow, our senses, emotions, thinking, and bodies in new and challenging ways. And then E C E sorry, creative. Explorations, the conceptual thinking, contrast, reasoning, and expanding consciousness that create a gateway to seeing the world through new lenses. This is the essence of living well during adolescence and during the adult years. Emotional spark, social engagement, novelty, creative explorations, adolescence, or adolescence and adults adult adult essence. And it has a nice like little picture and it says, Hey, you remind me of someone. And it's just basically stating like how when we turn into adults, we lose this sense of that essence because we feel like we're supposed to have it all figured out. We're supposed to be knowing what's going on. And at the end of the day, we're not supposed to actually lose it. Losing creativity in life, losing that sense of exploring and engaging in social interactions and stuff. That is what keeps us alive. Yes, I feel like we also a lot of therapists also focus on individuality. But as human beings ourselves, we are supposed to be a collective. We're supposed to have those people. That's why we also emphasize on like having that support system, having those hobbies, having those things that help ground you and help you feed your soul. So it's like as I'm saying that out loud, it's like, okay, do we need to be independent or do we need to be doing something? And it's honestly a little bit of both, right? I'm gonna have to let these dogs in because they're destroying everything. So again It kind ties into that qu that thing I was saying, like, and if we're uncertain, we think something is wrong. That's where I wanted to get that from because I was like, wait, why did I even read that? Sorry. but what if uncertainty is the part of becoming? Yes. So what if you're not supposed to know exactly who you're going to be five years from now? What's wrong with that? Maybe the goal isn't to have a perfect five year plan. Maybe the goal is to know yourself well enough to recognize when something no longer aligns with you, to recognize what matters to you. To recognize what you're willing to tolerate, to recognize that you're no longer what you're no longer willing to tolerate and make those decisions from there. I feel like it is good to have like long term goals and things like that, right? But I feel like when you are a perfectionist or just yeah, ambitious person or something like that, let's lean more towards a perfectionist. It's like if I don't reach that goal, I'm a failure. it's a wrap, like life is gonna end. And then we plummet. And it's like I want to change that to being like, let's focus on long term goals being as long as I'm happy in the career that I'm doing, as long as I'm able to enjoy my loved ones as much as I want to, things like that. I know for sure after I had my first son, I told myself, I was like, Tori, you need to work to live, not live to work. And I feel like so many of us are stuck in those nine to fives nonstop. Don't don't get me wrong. You love your job. I love it for I love it even more for you. Cause sometimes those jobs are exciting. And at the same time, I hear a lot of that repetitive come home, feed the kids, go to sleep, go to work, come home, feed the kids, go to sleep, go to work, come home. Like it's just the routine is what sucks us in. And then we start and it can start imp amplifying these questions about like Who are we? What are we gonna do with our lives? What's happening? Is this all that life has to give to us? And I feel like once you start getting into that loop, that this is who I'm talking I'm talking to you. Those people that are in that loop at this point. This is this is for you. And I want you to know like you can outgrow things without hating them, right? You can outgrow a friendship and still appreciate that friendship meant to you. You can still learn from the things that or like appreciate the things that that rel that friendship came from you, came came from for you. What you can outgrow a career and still be grateful for what it taught. You can outgrow a lifestyle, a mindset, a coping mechanism, a version of yourself. And gratitude doesn't mean that you have to stay again. It does not mean That you have to stay. I think as I say that, I think about that movie by Tyler Perry, that horrible. Wild movie. Can't think of it, but she basically gives her all to her husband for his dreams and stuff. And then he finally accomplishes them and moves on. And she's like, You owe me. And I feel like looking back at that movie, she feel like she was obligated to stay because of all of the suffering she did. He was obligated to stay because of all the suffering that she did in that relationship. And that's just simply not the case. Like, he doesn't owe nobody owes you anything. I think I feel like that's also something important to know. You're not nobody is obligated to anybody. Nobody owes anybody anything. You are allowed to make changes. You are allowed to change your mind. You're allowed to move a certain way. Whatever or wherever you're wanting to go in life, you are allowed to do that. Because sometimes we think, but this worked for me before, right? Exactly. Before, prior. Something can have served you so well in one season and no longer serve you in another one. And that is okay. And I think one of the hardest places to be is in the middle of all of You're not who you used to be, but you're not completely comfortable with who you're becoming either. You're setting boundaries, but you still feel guilty. You're saying no, but you still feel tempted to explain yourself. You're prioritizing yourself, but part of you wonders if you're being too selfish. You're trying to trust yourself, but you're still second guessing all of your decisions. That's what I mean when I'm saying uncomfortable middle. And I think we sometimes have to make mistakes. No, that's not what I'm meaning say. I think we sometimes mistake that discomfort for failure. That's what I'm meaning to say. Like, this is not gonna work out or to a war mission and all. Like this isn't gonna work out. I can't do this. This is too much. Nobody's comfortable with being uncomfortable. So it's it's easier to revert back to all of those other ways that we were doing. But I also want you guys to know that like sometimes discomfort just basically means that you're doing something new. Think about it as in like learning something new. It feels awkward. You don't have automatically feel comfortable or confident doing it. You have to practice it. And I think I don't even think I know emotional growth works the same way. You have to practice choosing yourself. You have to practice tolerating other people's discomfort, disappointment in you, quote unquote. You have to practice communicating your needs, you have to practice sitting with guilt without immediately doing something to make the guilt go away. You have to sit with it and eventually what once felt uncomfortable can start to feel normal for you. And I think that is the most important part of it all. And I like to always tell people if it's discomforting, that means it's working. It's just like what when you pick up a new hobby, you're not gonna just I mean sometimes people do. So I say this very lightly, but Sometimes you pick up a new hobby, you gotta keep practicing, practicing, practicing, practicing until you get it. And that's what you have to do with emotional growth. And I always say start small. Like, let's say a good example is Y'all like chocolate chip cookies. They like chop chocolate chip cookies and you like sugar cookies. And they're like, okay, well, it doesn't matter because we're just gonna make chocolate chip cookies. You are allowed to be like, okay, well, I'm gonna be making sugar cookies over here. Or, no, that's not what we had an agreement on. I said that I like sugar cookies, it's my birthday, we're gonna have sugar cookies, things like that. That's probably the worst. scenario example, but hopefully it clicks. Cause I want something sweet and that's all I can think about right now. So with all of this being said, I want to leave you with a question. Not who were you? Not who does everyone expect you to be? The question that I want to leave you with is: who are you becoming? And along with that, what are you learning about yourself? What are you no longer willing to tolerate? What boundaries are you learning to set for yourself? What parts of yourself are you reconnecting with? What parts of yourself are you finally giving permission to let go? And maybe most importantly, are you allowing yourself to become someone different without constantly apologizing for it? Because you don't need permission to grow from any damn person or any fucking body. And I put emphasis on all of that because it is the truth. You do not need permission to grow. You don't need everybody to understand your growth and you don't have to explain it every you do not have to explain it, you do not have to explain every change that you're making because it is not their life, it is yours. So in all conclusions, I think the version of me I'm still becoming is figuring things out. I'm still learning, because I love to learn, period. I'm still making huge mistakes. I'm still healing. I'm still someone who overthinks. I'm still wondering if I'm doing enough or if I am enough. I'm still learning to trust myself. I mean, I'm I I'm obsessed with boundaries and like I still flirt with the fear that a boundary makes me mean or I'm pushing somebody off. I'm learning for sure, and I feel like this is important for any working woman, mother, or anything like that, anybody who's working, overdoing it, resting is not lazy. Laziness. You're not lazy. You're allowed to rest. You're allowed to give yourself a break. And learning to say no to certain things doesn't make me selfish. That's difficult too. And I haven't Learning that I don't need to be everything for everybody else either. I feel like I kinda got that one down packed, but to be continued. And I've definitely this year learned that becoming myself isn't about creating someone someone's perfect ver version of me or even my imaginary perfect version of myself. And I say that because I And one of those people who's like, you gotta keep going, keep going, keep going. And I remember talking to my own personal therapist, and she was just like, I fear that let's say, for instance, we're working from five years from now, and you complete all of the goals that you've established for yourself, and you still come back and like, I'm it's not enough. And I was like, Yeah, the bar that I've set for myself is so high that I can reach it. But once I'm halfway there, I'm gonna raise it even higher because Mm, I want to be perfect. So if you're listening to this and you're in that uncomfortable middle, if you're questioning your relationships, your career, your identity, if you're realizing that some things no longer fit, I just want you to know that you don't have to have it all figured out today, tomorrow, next year. Take your time. You can change your mind throughout your growth and you can grow. You can start over. you become somebody new and you can still love the person that you used to be because she got you to where you are now. And maybe that was just enough of her. Okay, so thank you for hanging out with me on Don't Quote Me. And remember, it's okay if the person you're becoming doesn't look like the person that you used to be. Talk to y'all next time. Bye.