Latest / She Rises with Ashy & Tijana / 306. A marriage that works on paper and feels flat in real life: How do I bring it up without it blowing up?

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306. A marriage that works on paper and feels flat in real life: How do I bring it up without it blowing up? · She Rises with Ashy & Tijana

• 0:06
  Speaker 1: I need your advice.
• 0:11
  Speaker 2: Are you okay? What happened? Promise it won't be too much?
• 0:16
  Speaker 2: Bring it in. Welcome to our bestie segment. This is
• 0:25
  Speaker 2: the place for you.
• 0:26
  Speaker 1: Hello, everybody.
• 0:27
  Speaker 2: Welcome back to She Rises, to our besties submission episode.
• 0:30
  Speaker 2: We do this twice a week where we have anonymous
• 0:32
  Speaker 2: submissions right in a sticky situation or tricky situations or
• 0:35
  Speaker 2: just something that you want your outside advice from Tiana
• 0:38
  Speaker 2: and myself. So what have we got today?
• 0:40
  Speaker 1: Hi, girls. Can I start off by saying how much
• 0:42
  Speaker 1: I love you girls on the podcast? Keep shining and
• 0:44
  Speaker 1: keep going on with these because you girls are teaching
• 0:46
  Speaker 1: and changing people's lives in the best way possible.
• 0:48
  Speaker 2: Thank you so much. That's so nice.
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  Speaker 1: I've been married for around eight years, married young and
• 0:53
  Speaker 1: have a child together. Now my husband is a great person,
• 0:55
  Speaker 1: very well-spoken, calm, collected, and a great provider. Over the past,
• 1:00
  Speaker 1: he has hurt me and I hold a lot of
• 1:01
  Speaker 1: resentment towards him. A little context. I have literally raised
• 1:05
  Speaker 1: him like a newborn. How to treat a female, responsibilities,
• 1:08
  Speaker 1: how to look after himself, progress in his career, life experiences,
• 1:13
  Speaker 1: et cetera, et cetera. Basically everything from scratch. Now when
• 1:16
  Speaker 1: we are on our honeymoon, this is where it all started.
• 1:18
  Speaker 1: In fact, front height of our marriage. When I married him,
• 1:21
  Speaker 1: I was a virgin and never been with a guy before.
• 1:23
  Speaker 1: He wasn't. On our wedding night when it was just
• 1:25
  Speaker 1: us two, he basically just went straight to bed and
• 1:27
  Speaker 1: I was left there. The next day, we were going
• 1:30
  Speaker 1: into our honeymoon and once we were settled into our hotel,
• 1:33
  Speaker 1: I got ready, sexy lingerie, and he was there in
• 1:36
  Speaker 1: bed on his phone scrolling through soccer things. While I
• 1:39
  Speaker 1: was getting things spicy, he goes to me, I don't
• 1:41
  Speaker 1: want to get too close.
• 1:42
  Speaker 2: I'm tired.
• 1:44
  Speaker 1: So I pushed him away and basically just gave him
• 1:45
  Speaker 1: the silent treatment and our honeymoon was a disaster. All
• 1:48
  Speaker 1: these years later, our wed life is just boring. We
• 1:51
  Speaker 1: probably have sex once or twice a month. And because
• 1:53
  Speaker 1: of our religion, culture, et cetera, I'm too shy and
• 1:56
  Speaker 1: too embarrassed to ask for it. And he is not
• 1:58
  Speaker 1: the man to feel quote unquote horny all the time.
• 2:01
  Speaker 1: When he kisses me, it's boring and we barely ever kiss.
• 2:04
  Speaker 1: He never shares what he wants or needs or his
• 2:06
  Speaker 1: desires or anything when I ask him. And he just
• 2:10
  Speaker 1: blames me and says that I just don't because you
• 2:12
  Speaker 1: get angry over everything. He doesn't hold serious, hard conversations
• 2:15
  Speaker 1: with me. He doesn't discuss our future, and I'm bored
• 2:18
  Speaker 1: of him. He's a great dad, and our child loves
• 2:20
  Speaker 1: him so much, I can't explain. He does show his
• 2:23
  Speaker 1: love to me in other ways, but I want more,
• 2:25
  Speaker 1: I want physical, and I want him to be obsessed
• 2:27
  Speaker 1: with me. But he does it for a few weeks,
• 2:28
  Speaker 1: and it's back to where we started. Every time I
• 2:31
  Speaker 1: bring it up, he blames my reactions to everything. Now,
• 2:34
  Speaker 1: I am hot-headed, and I do get angry, but I
• 2:36
  Speaker 1: try to voice my needs and wants, but he doesn't
• 2:38
  Speaker 1: stick to it. I have given up my whole career
• 2:40
  Speaker 1: to look after our family, and now I just resent
• 2:41
  Speaker 1: him because I'm surviving on his income. I want a
• 2:44
  Speaker 1: good relationship, full of fun, and I want our sex
• 2:46
  Speaker 1: life to just be spicy fun and him just craving me.
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  Speaker 1: So what do I do and how do I even
• 2:51
  Speaker 1: voice this to him? Because at this stage, I'm just embarrassed, shy,
• 2:54
  Speaker 1: and nervous to even bring anything up to him.
• 2:57
  Speaker 2: Well, you've asked what you do. I think you know
• 3:00
  Speaker 2: what you've got to do and it's got to have
• 3:01
  Speaker 2: the conversation. Even though you're nervous, even though you're shy,
• 3:04
  Speaker 2: if you don't, nothing's going to change. And then it's
• 3:08
  Speaker 2: like the thing we always come back to, the willingness.
• 3:10
  Speaker 2: Is he wanting the same things? Like you said, he's
• 3:12
  Speaker 2: quote unquote not horny. wonder why. Is he stressed? Is
• 3:16
  Speaker 2: he not connected? Is he not comfortable in his own skin? Dig, dig, dig,
• 3:20
  Speaker 2: dig more, more curiosity, more questions. They've got to understand
• 3:25
  Speaker 2: each other more. The only way to do that is
• 3:27
  Speaker 2: by talking.
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  Speaker 1: Yeah.
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  Speaker 2: I think we avoid talking so much with partners, but
• 3:30
  Speaker 2: like that's the only way you get through things is
• 3:32
  Speaker 2: by talking. That's true.
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  Speaker 1: And it sounds like you're not feeling desired by him
• 3:36
  Speaker 1: and he's probably feeling like you're angry most of the
• 3:39
  Speaker 1: time because he said he blames your reactions. Yeah. So
• 3:41
  Speaker 1: there's two parts to this story here where like he's
• 3:43
  Speaker 1: experiencing this from you and you're experiencing what you're experiencing
• 3:46
  Speaker 1: from him. So maybe there is like a lack of
• 3:48
  Speaker 1: desire for each other, a lack of connection, a lack
• 3:52
  Speaker 1: of trust, a lack of safety. You did mention that
• 3:54
  Speaker 1: you've asked him to do things and he hasn't been
• 3:56
  Speaker 1: following through. That's enough to create cracks in the relationship.
• 4:00
  Speaker 1: And also if you're obviously holding on from things all
• 4:02
  Speaker 1: the way from your wedding night, like that's unspoken.
• 4:06
  Speaker 2: Resentment.
• 4:06
  Speaker 1: And that's going to sit between the both of you
• 4:08
  Speaker 1: on the couch metaphorically. and physically. I'd be curious to know,
• 4:12
  Speaker 1: you keep mentioning that you're shy and you're nervous and
• 4:14
  Speaker 1: all of these things, but have you voiced to him
• 4:17
  Speaker 1: what it is that you want from the relationship? And
• 4:20
  Speaker 1: I'm going to guess probably not. Probably not because it
• 4:22
  Speaker 1: feels a little bit too scary to do so.
• 4:24
  Speaker 2: Or maybe you don't know how.
• 4:26
  Speaker 1: That's also a reason why most people don't, especially if
• 4:29
  Speaker 1: you have like a strict religion or culture, it's not
• 4:32
  Speaker 1: going to feel as quote unquote normalized for you to
• 4:34
  Speaker 1: be able to open up these conversations. Yeah.
• 4:37
  Speaker 2: That's where I find it hard here because I'm not
• 4:38
  Speaker 2: sure of your culture and how hard that must be.
• 4:40
  Speaker 2: I can only imagine that'd be so difficult to have
• 4:42
  Speaker 2: certain rules to follow by and the judgment of outside
• 4:46
  Speaker 2: family members and people in your culture, that would be
• 4:49
  Speaker 2: so difficult. But yeah, if you haven't voiced it and
• 4:52
  Speaker 2: you don't even know if you're aligned and wanting the
• 4:54
  Speaker 2: same things, that's where you've got to start. You've got
• 4:58
  Speaker 2: to start there and you both might want completely different things.
• 5:01
  Speaker 2: Or maybe you both want the same things, you just
• 5:03
  Speaker 2: both haven't communicated and voiced it. But there's definitely some
• 5:07
  Speaker 2: big conversations to hear have.
• 5:08
  Speaker 1: And it almost sounds like right now you're both not
• 5:10
  Speaker 1: being what each other need.
• 5:12
  Speaker 2: No wonder why you're bored.
• 5:14
  Speaker 1: Yeah. You're both not getting what you want out of
• 5:15
  Speaker 1: the relationship and what you both need and crave. And again,
• 5:18
  Speaker 1: unless you have that conversation, you're not going to know
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  Speaker 1: what that is.
• 5:21
  Speaker 2: Yeah.
• 5:21
  Speaker 1: Unless you say like, what do you need right now?
• 5:24
  Speaker 2: Yeah. What do you want? What do you expect?
• 5:26
  Speaker 1: What do you want this relationship to look like moving forward?
• 5:28
  Speaker 1: And vice versa, bringing those two things together, writing them
• 5:30
  Speaker 1: down if you need to.
• 5:31
  Speaker 2: Yeah.
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  Speaker 1: This is what I want. This is what you want.
• 5:34
  Speaker 1: How can we meet each other in the middle of this?
• 5:36
  Speaker 1: And are we both willing to show up as this
• 5:38
  Speaker 1: for each other? Yeah.
• 5:40
  Speaker 2: And I'd also be curious to know what you're most
• 5:41
  Speaker 2: scared of. Yeah. By you voicing what you want, what
• 5:44
  Speaker 2: are you scared of? Are you scared he's going to leave?
• 5:45
  Speaker 2: Are you scared he's going to reject you? What's the
• 5:48
  Speaker 2: worst case scenario? Maybe that he's going to leave because
• 5:51
  Speaker 2: you said you're financially dependent on him. Yeah. I would
• 5:53
  Speaker 2: like to think he's not going to leave from you
• 5:55
  Speaker 2: requesting more connection, more passion, more desire, and more sex. Yeah.
• 6:01
  Speaker 2: But yeah, there's a reason why he's not horny and
• 6:02
  Speaker 2: lack of desire or stress. There's something going on for
• 6:05
  Speaker 2: him and that's something to look at as well. But yeah,
• 6:07
  Speaker 2: I'll be asking myself, what am I actually scared of?
• 6:09
  Speaker 2: And those fears that I've created in my head, are
• 6:11
  Speaker 2: they actually real? Is that actually going to happen? Because
• 6:13
  Speaker 2: sometimes we're making stuff up in our head and it's
• 6:15
  Speaker 2: not actually how it's going to be. And then also
• 6:18
  Speaker 2: if you guys are struggling to communicate it, once again,
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  Speaker 2: that's why I feel like you can bring a mediator in.
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  Speaker 2: Someone talked about it, someone to help hear each other
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  Speaker 2: and just have the conversation flowing so you've got a
• 6:25
  Speaker 2: plan moving forward. Otherwise, you're going to be stuck here.
• 6:28
  Speaker 2: Same thing, same conversations in six months time. And something
• 6:31
  Speaker 2: that as.
• 6:31
  Speaker 1: Well you mentioned, like you gave up your career and
• 6:33
  Speaker 1: now you're finding that you're feeling resentful because of it.
• 6:36
  Speaker 1: That tells me that you don't want to necessarily just
• 6:39
  Speaker 1: be the traditional wife. Yeah. That shows me that there's
• 6:42
  Speaker 1: more desire there. Because if you're feeling resentful about that decision,
• 6:45
  Speaker 1: it means that you probably loved your career. You liked
• 6:47
  Speaker 1: having financial independence. You liked not having to rely on
• 6:49
  Speaker 1: him and ask him for money. And if that is
• 6:51
  Speaker 1: the case, like maybe there's another question mark around that
• 6:54
  Speaker 1: area of your life. Do you want to go back
• 6:56
  Speaker 1: to work? Do you want to create a business? Do
• 6:58
  Speaker 1: you want to open something up for yourself? Do you
• 7:00
  Speaker 1: want to be a part of a bigger mission outside
• 7:01
  Speaker 1: of yourself? What do those questions look like? Because at
• 7:05
  Speaker 1: the end of the day, it's obviously a decision that
• 7:07
  Speaker 1: you guys came to together for you to give up
• 7:08
  Speaker 1: your career and to raise the family. And that's beautiful.
• 7:11
  Speaker 1: And it's a very important role in the world. And also,
• 7:15
  Speaker 1: you're a multifaceted human.
• 7:16
  Speaker 2: You're allowed to want more. That's right. Women are not
• 7:19
  Speaker 2: just one thing.
• 7:20
  Speaker 1: We have so many things. And I wouldn't be surprised
• 7:23
  Speaker 1: if there's a part of you that's seeking something of
• 7:25
  Speaker 1: your own. And I think that's important to inquire about.
• 7:28
  Speaker 2: That's a really cool perspective. It's a lot to think about. Hey, yeah,
• 7:32
  Speaker 2: I hope that gives you something to go off. More conversations,
• 7:35
  Speaker 2: being brave, even though like, I'm shy, I'm nervous. They're
• 7:38
  Speaker 2: okay to feel that, but you can also do hard things.
• 7:41
  Speaker 2: And the only way you get better at having those
• 7:42
  Speaker 2: conversations is by practicing them and opening up the conversation.
• 7:45
  Speaker 2: And like, you are going to have to lead in this,
• 7:47
  Speaker 2: I think. And yeah, what you brought up about your
• 7:50
  Speaker 2: desires outside of the relationship as well, because resentment is
• 7:53
  Speaker 2: just such a killer in a relationship. Yeah.
• 7:55
  Speaker 1: And it's easy to like resent somebody for a decision
• 7:57
  Speaker 1: that you've made, but it's like, if that's not what
• 8:00
  Speaker 1: you want anymore, why can't you voice that? Yeah.
• 8:02
  Speaker 2: It's up to you to change it. That's right.
• 8:03
  Speaker 1: You know, you can either sit and stay resentful or
• 8:06
  Speaker 1: you can shift your perspective around it and go, you
• 8:08
  Speaker 1: know what, this is a decision I've chosen to make.
• 8:10
  Speaker 1: This is the sacrifice that comes with that. As a team,
• 8:12
  Speaker 1: as a family, this is what we've chosen. Or I
• 8:15
  Speaker 1: no longer want this and now things are changing and
• 8:17
  Speaker 1: now you get to communicate that. Because at the end
• 8:19
  Speaker 1: of the day, you're the only one who has to
• 8:21
  Speaker 1: live your life.
• 8:22
  Speaker 2: Yeah.
• 8:22
  Speaker 1: And if you could handle how you're living right now
• 8:25
  Speaker 1: for another 10 years, by all means. But if you
• 8:28
  Speaker 1: can't and the thought of that makes you cringe, then
• 8:30
  Speaker 1: you know that that's actually not what you want long term.
• 8:32
  Speaker 1: And I think that's something to pay attention to.
• 8:34
  Speaker 2: I think so too. The honeymoon night or the wedding night,
• 8:37
  Speaker 2: I feel like this has started from there. Early. To
• 8:40
  Speaker 2: be a virgin and for him to be on his phone.
• 8:42
  Speaker 1: Yeah.
• 8:42
  Speaker 2: And you're all dressed up, ready to go. And he says,
• 8:44
  Speaker 2: I'm tired. That's a red flag for me. Something's there
• 8:48
  Speaker 2: that he hasn't voiced, hasn't spoken about. I do find
• 8:50
  Speaker 2: that odd. To me, that would be a red flag.
• 8:53
  Speaker 2: It's like, how are you not wanting to enjoy this
• 8:56
  Speaker 2: special moment? You're a virgin. This is your first time.
• 9:00
  Speaker 2: I was very lucky in my first time. I was
• 9:02
  Speaker 2: with my partner for seven months. I was so scared.
• 9:04
  Speaker 2: And then I just had a beautiful experience. It was
• 9:07
  Speaker 2: so nice. And I hope Tala has a man that
• 9:09
  Speaker 2: does what my partner at that time did for me
• 9:12
  Speaker 2: and just made me feel so safe and so special
• 9:14
  Speaker 2: and so beautiful. It makes me sad that your husband
• 9:17
  Speaker 2: that you just married would have rather to be on
• 9:19
  Speaker 2: his phone. That would have been an instant red flag
• 9:20
  Speaker 2: for me to investigate more and like, yeah.
• 9:23
  Speaker 1: Yeah.
• 9:23
  Speaker 2: Kind of setting off on the wrong foot, isn't it?
• 9:25
  Speaker 1: Don't blame you for feeling the way that you have
• 9:27
  Speaker 1: been feeling in your marriage.
• 9:28
  Speaker 2: Yeah.
• 9:28
  Speaker 1: Given that's how like a moment that would have been
• 9:30
  Speaker 1: so special for you wasn't special.
• 9:32
  Speaker 2: And it's kind of continued on.
• 9:33
  Speaker 1: Yeah. But also, you know, if we take accountability in
• 9:36
  Speaker 1: this part too, it's like the silent treatment part. It's
• 9:39
  Speaker 1: like we have to acknowledge like where we partake in
• 9:43
  Speaker 1: perpetuating a situation, right? Because it's like that could have
• 9:46
  Speaker 1: been a conversation then and there of like, hey, like
• 9:48
  Speaker 1: this is my first, like can we, like this is
• 9:51
  Speaker 1: special for me and like voicing that. And again, I
• 9:53
  Speaker 1: know it's not an easy thing to do, but this
• 9:55
  Speaker 1: is maybe a lesson for you in this.
• 9:56
  Speaker 2: Using your voice.
• 9:57
  Speaker 1: Using your voice and not buying into the same behaviors
• 10:00
  Speaker 1: that somebody else is doing just because you're feeling mad.
• 10:03
  Speaker 1: And I know it's easier said than done.
• 10:04
  Speaker 2: Two wrongs don't make a right. That's right.
• 10:06
  Speaker 1: Yeah. And it's only perpetuated this feeling for you into
• 10:08
  Speaker 1: your marriage now instead of like the honeymoon not being
• 10:11
  Speaker 1: a disaster and going, okay, maybe the first night wasn't
• 10:13
  Speaker 1: that great. But like the second night, can we sit together?
• 10:16
  Speaker 1: Can we go slow? Like I really wanting this to
• 10:18
  Speaker 1: be special and like seeing how receptive he is to that.
• 10:21
  Speaker 2: Because if you had.
• 10:22
  Speaker 1: Had that conversation or even if you continue now to
• 10:25
  Speaker 1: have a new conversation around this and he is not
• 10:27
  Speaker 1: receptive to that, you're going to really see who the
• 10:30
  Speaker 1: person is that you're with. Yeah. He's really going to
• 10:32
  Speaker 1: highlight to you whether he cares, whether he's willing, whether
• 10:34
  Speaker 1: he wants to show up, all those things based on
• 10:36
  Speaker 1: how he behaves around the things that are actually really
• 10:39
  Speaker 1: important to you. And that's always something to pay attention to.
• 10:42
  Speaker 2: And if a man's telling you that he can't meet
• 10:44
  Speaker 2: you there or he doesn't want the same things, listen.
• 10:47
  Speaker 1: He's telling you.
• 10:47
  Speaker 2: You can't fall in love with potential or how things
• 10:49
  Speaker 2: could change or how he could be like if If
• 10:51
  Speaker 2: he's communicating that with you, you've got to listen.
• 10:54
  Speaker 1: Like you were dressed up in sexy lingerie on your
• 10:56
  Speaker 1: honeymoon and you were a virgin and he said he
• 10:58
  Speaker 1: was tired.
• 10:58
  Speaker 2: I believe you, but it doesn't seem real.
• 11:00
  Speaker 1: No.
• 11:01
  Speaker 2: There's something there that's not being spoken about on his behalf. Yeah.
• 11:04
  Speaker 2: You need to dig.
• 11:05
  Speaker 1: Yeah, because in my brain, I think like what man
• 11:07
  Speaker 1: wouldn't be losing his absolute mind over the fact that
• 11:10
  Speaker 1: you did that.
• 11:10
  Speaker 2: And the first time, that is just such a big deal. Yeah.
• 11:14
  Speaker 2: There's a lot of conversations we have. You've got to
• 11:15
  Speaker 2: be brave, girlfriend. You can do it. Yeah. Speak up.
• 11:18
  Speaker 2: Use your voice.
• 11:18
  Speaker 1: Yeah.
• 11:19
  Speaker 2: Yeah. You've got this. Yeah. Yeah.
• 11:21
  Speaker 1: And also being okay with whatever you discover.
• 11:23
  Speaker 2: Yeah, that's a hard one, isn't it? Be okay with.
• 11:25
  Speaker 1: Whatever you discover. And I know you've created a life
• 11:27
  Speaker 1: with him and all the things, but I just don't
• 11:29
  Speaker 1: think there are enough women being ruthless about who they
• 11:32
  Speaker 1: are spending time with and who they let into their world,
• 11:34
  Speaker 1: their energy, and their fucking body.
• 11:35
  Speaker 2: That, mic drop. We need to be more ruthless. Absolutely.
• 11:39
  Speaker 1: Yeah. You only get one life, my love.
• 11:41
  Speaker 2: Mm-hmm. This is not it.
• 11:42
  Speaker 1: Treat it as such.
• 11:43
  Speaker 2: Yeah, treat it as such. I've got nothing else. Mic drop.
• 11:46
  Speaker 2: That's all I've got for you today. She knows where
• 11:48
  Speaker 2: it's at. Hi, Tiana, the coach. That's my next advice.
• 11:52
  Speaker 2: You need support through this. Send me a DM. Slide
• 11:55
  Speaker 2: into my DMs. I got you. You do help a
• 11:58
  Speaker 2: lot of women with their relationship stuff as well.
• 12:00
  Speaker 1: Oh, I do.
• 12:00
  Speaker 2: It's such a huge pillar. It's such a huge pillar.
• 12:03
  Speaker 2: Impacts everything. Hey, we always talk about this. If we
• 12:06
  Speaker 2: have like a little niggle with our partners, it's like,
• 12:08
  Speaker 2: The whole fucking world feels like it's falling apart.
• 12:10
  Speaker 1: It really does.
• 12:10
  Speaker 2: It really does.
• 12:11
  Speaker 1: And I might have been a life coach for women
• 12:13
  Speaker 1: to work on themselves, but trust me, I'm working on
• 12:14
  Speaker 1: relationships all the time too.
• 12:17
  Speaker 2: Because it is.
• 12:17
  Speaker 1: It's like even if you struggle or are challenged with
• 12:20
  Speaker 1: like your self-esteem or how you feel about yourself, you
• 12:23
  Speaker 1: bet your ass that's going to come out in your relationships.
• 12:25
  Speaker 1: It's going to be the first piece of evidence that
• 12:27
  Speaker 1: you lack those things by who you choose and who
• 12:30
  Speaker 1: you let into your life, your mind, your body, and
• 12:32
  Speaker 1: like what you accept long term.
• 12:34
  Speaker 2: And the relationship you have with yourself– being able to
• 12:37
  Speaker 2: use your own voice and speak your boundaries and be
• 12:39
  Speaker 2: able to talk about your desires and what you want.
• 12:41
  Speaker 2: Like that's the most important relationship. If you don't have that,
• 12:44
  Speaker 2: like you said, it leaks into all your other relationships.
• 12:46
  Speaker 2: So yes, there's conversations to have with your partner, but
• 12:49
  Speaker 2: there's also like this inner confidence and empowerment that you
• 12:52
  Speaker 2: need to have within yourself, like moving forward as well. Absolutely. Yeah.
• 12:57
  Speaker 2: Sending you so much love. That's really tough. Good luck,
• 13:00
  Speaker 2: my love.
• 13:00
  Speaker 1: And maybe you can give us an update.
• 13:02
  Speaker 2: We'd love to hear from you. We would love to
• 13:03
  Speaker 2: hear from you. Thanks for joining us. Bye.
• 13:05
  Speaker 1: Bye.