Latest / The Post-Separation Abuse Podcast / 66. Are you laying awake in the early hours? ...I've been there...

Transcript

66. Are you laying awake in the early hours? ...I've been there... · The Post-Separation Abuse Podcast

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_00: It's 3 a.m.
• 0:01
  SPEAKER_00: You're lying awake, staring at the ceiling, and your brain just won't turn off.
• 0:08
  SPEAKER_00: Your two-year-old is at the other parents' house tonight.
• 0:12
  SPEAKER_00: You can imagine them waking up, looking around a darkened room, confused about where they are.
• 0:19
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe calling for you, but you're not there.
• 0:23
  SPEAKER_00: You told yourself that you'd get used to this.
• 0:25
  SPEAKER_00: That's what everyone says, right?
• 0:27
  SPEAKER_00: That it gets easier, that kids are resilient, that they will quote, adapt.
• 0:34
  SPEAKER_00: But it's been six months.
• 0:36
  SPEAKER_00: It hasn't gotten any easier.
• 0:39
  SPEAKER_00: And you're not sure that your child is adapting.
• 0:42
  SPEAKER_00: You're pretty sure that they're just trying to cope.
• 0:46
  SPEAKER_00: I'm Danielle Black, and this is the Post Separation Abuse Podcast.
• 0:50
  SPEAKER_00: Today we're talking about the problem that's keeping protective parents awake at night.
• 0:54
  SPEAKER_00: Quite literally.
• 0:56
  SPEAKER_00: And why what so many other people tell you is wrong.
• 1:04
  SPEAKER_00: Hey, I'm Danielle Black, and I'm the coach you need if you're struggling with all things post-separation.
• 1:10
  SPEAKER_00: I don't play by the old rules.
• 1:12
  SPEAKER_00: I specialise in child-focused, evidence-based parenting arrangements that put kids at the center instead of keeping them stuck in the middle.
• 1:21
  SPEAKER_00: Let's go.
• 1:31
  SPEAKER_00: Let me paint the picture of what this actually looks like because I know that so many of you are living it right now.
• 1:37
  SPEAKER_00: You agreed to overnight arrangements for your young child.
• 1:41
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe they're two, maybe they're three years old, maybe they've just turned four.
• 1:45
  SPEAKER_00: You agreed because so many people told you that you quote had to.
• 1:50
  SPEAKER_00: Perhaps a mediator said that children need both parents equally.
• 1:55
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe a lawyer that you spoke to said that the court prefers significant time with both parents.
• 2:04
  SPEAKER_00: Perhaps a family consultant or other expert formed an opinion that you were inappropriately blocking access.
• 2:14
  SPEAKER_00: So you said yes, even though everything in your body was screaming no.
• 2:18
  SPEAKER_00: And now you're living with the consequences, and so is your child.
• 2:22
  SPEAKER_00: At changeovers your child clings to you.
• 2:25
  SPEAKER_00: Not just a normal goodbye hug, but that full body grip where they wrap their legs around you and bury their face in your neck.
• 2:33
  SPEAKER_00: They have to be peeled off you while they cry.
• 2:36
  SPEAKER_00: The other parent says that you're making it worse.
• 2:39
  SPEAKER_00: You force a smile and try to act cheerful while your heart is breaking.
• 2:44
  SPEAKER_00: During the overnights, you might find it hard to function.
• 2:47
  SPEAKER_00: You check your phone constantly.
• 2:49
  SPEAKER_00: You struggle to sleep.
• 2:50
  SPEAKER_00: You struggle to concentrate at work.
• 2:53
  SPEAKER_00: Friends and family are worried about you.
• 2:56
  SPEAKER_00: You might struggle to be present for other children because you're consumed with worry about your youngest.
• 3:02
  SPEAKER_00: When they come back, it takes days for them to settle.
• 3:06
  SPEAKER_00: They're clingy, whiny, maybe having meltdowns over things that just seem so small.
• 3:12
  SPEAKER_00: Their sleep routine comes undone.
• 3:15
  SPEAKER_00: Perhaps they're fighting bedtime, terrified that you'll disappear, or maybe they're waking multiple times needing reassurance that you're still there.
• 3:24
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe they've regressed.
• 3:26
  SPEAKER_00: The toilet training's gone backwards.
• 3:29
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe they're back in nappies more or wetting the bed.
• 3:32
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe they're insisting on having a bottle again or wanting to breastfeed.
• 3:36
  SPEAKER_00: And everyone tells you this is normal, that transitions are hard for all kids, that they'll adjust, that you just need to work on your anxiety and stop being overprotective.
• 3:49
  SPEAKER_00: So you try, you paste on a smile at changeovers, you tell yourself you're being ridiculous, you feel guilty and frustrated with yourself for struggling.
• 4:00
  SPEAKER_00: You wonder if maybe everyone else is right and you're the problem.
• 4:03
  SPEAKER_00: But here's what's actually happening that no one else is telling you.
• 4:07
  SPEAKER_00: You are watching your child's attachment security shatter in real time.
• 4:12
  SPEAKER_00: That clinginess isn't your child being manipulative.
• 4:16
  SPEAKER_00: That's the development of anxious attachment.
• 4:19
  SPEAKER_00: Those sleep regressions aren't a phase.
• 4:22
  SPEAKER_00: That's a nervous system that no longer feels safe.
• 4:25
  SPEAKER_00: Those meltdowns aren't quote behaviour problems.
• 4:29
  SPEAKER_00: That's a child who doesn't have the capacity to regulate their emotions and may even struggle to co-regulate because their primary attachment figure keeps disappearing.
• 4:40
  SPEAKER_00: And the worst part, you know that none of this is right, that your body is telling you that this isn't right, that your child is showing you that this isn't right, but you've been gaslit into believing that your protective instincts are the problem, not the arrangement that's harming your child.
• 4:57
  SPEAKER_00: So you lie awake at night at 3 a.m.
• 5:00
  SPEAKER_00: hating yourself for agreeing to this, feeling trapped because the status quo and the precedent is just so powerful, and that changing or challenging arrangements now seems impossible.
• 5:11
  SPEAKER_00: You're left wondering how many more months or years will your child suffer before somebody listens.
• 5:18
  SPEAKER_00: That's the problem.
• 5:19
  SPEAKER_00: And it's not your fault.
• 5:21
  SPEAKER_00: You were lied to.
• 5:22
  SPEAKER_00: Here's what nobody tells you during mediation, or when you're chatting with a lawyer, or in the report, from a so-called expert.
• 5:32
  SPEAKER_00: The research on overnight arrangements for young children is crystal clear and it doesn't say what so many others claim it does.
• 5:39
  SPEAKER_00: Children under four in frequent overnight arrangements with both parents, especially significant time arrangements or multiple nights per week show measurably worse outcomes than children in other arrangements.
• 5:52
  SPEAKER_00: We're talking about higher rates of anxious attachment, more emotional and behavioural regulation problems, increased stress hormone levels, sleep disturbances that persist even when back with their primary caregiver, difficulty forming secure relationships later in life.
• 6:10
  SPEAKER_00: Now, this isn't my opinion.
• 6:12
  SPEAKER_00: This is peer-reviewed government commissioned research from Australia's own Australian Institute of Family Studies.
• 6:18
  SPEAKER_00: Your instinct?
• 6:20
  SPEAKER_00: That the care arrangements are wrong?
• 6:22
  SPEAKER_00: You're right.
• 6:24
  SPEAKER_00: What your child needs isn't significant time with both parents.
• 6:28
  SPEAKER_00: What your child needs is predictable, consistent access to their primary attachment figure, which is you, with gradual, developmentally appropriate contact with the other parent that builds over time as your child's capacity for separation increases.
• 6:44
  SPEAKER_00: For a two or three-year-old, that might look like regular, short daytime visits, gradually building to occasional overnights as they get closer to four or maybe five years of age.
• 6:54
  SPEAKER_00: Not the standard, significant time per fortnight that gets rubber stamped onto every family regardless of the child's actual developmental needs.
• 7:03
  SPEAKER_00: And this is exactly what the post-separation parenting blueprint covers.
• 7:07
  SPEAKER_00: Age and developmentally appropriate arrangements based on actual research, not ideology, not what's quote fair to adults, rather what actually serves children's development.
• 7:20
  SPEAKER_00: Because here's the truth.
• 7:32
  SPEAKER_00: But your child is not an asset of the relationship.
• 7:36
  SPEAKER_00: They are not a possession to be divided equally.
• 7:38
  SPEAKER_00: They're a developing human being with rights and specific attachment needs that change across developmental stages.
• 7:46
  SPEAKER_00: The solution isn't learning to cope with a harmful arrangement.
• 7:51
  SPEAKER_00: The solution is challenging arrangements to match what your child actually needs.
• 7:57
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, so you might be hearing this and thinking, great Danielle, I believe you.
• 8:01
  SPEAKER_00: But I've already agreed to this.
• 8:03
  SPEAKER_00: How do I actually change it?
• 8:05
  SPEAKER_00: And this is where my protective parenting framework comes in, and why information alone doesn't create change.
• 8:13
  SPEAKER_00: First, you need to understand the research deeply enough to advocate for change confidently.
• 8:18
  SPEAKER_00: Module three of the Blueprint walks you through exactly what the research shows about overnight arrangements at each developmental stage, why frequent transitions, particularly overnight transitions, can harm young children's nervous systems, what developmentally appropriate alternatives look like, and how to assess your child's specific needs within these guidelines.
• 8:38
  SPEAKER_00: You need this foundation because you're going to face pushback if you challenge the arrangements.
• 8:44
  SPEAKER_00: You may face resistance from your lawyer.
• 8:46
  SPEAKER_00: You may need to be able to say, actually, the research shows that for children under four, frequent overnights, compromise attachment security.
• 8:53
  SPEAKER_00: Here are the studies.
• 8:55
  SPEAKER_00: So what's our strategy for presenting this?
• 8:57
  SPEAKER_00: Here's where most parents get stuck, and it's not your fault.
• 9:01
  SPEAKER_00: You can know the research backwards and forwards.
• 9:03
  SPEAKER_00: You can have a folder full of journal articles, but when you're sitting in that mediation room, or when you're chatting with your lawyer or your co-parent, your heart races, your mind might go blank, and you end up agreeing, even though you know better.
• 9:17
  SPEAKER_00: That's not a knowledge problem, that's a capacity problem.
• 9:20
  SPEAKER_00: Module 16 in the blueprint, growing your capacity, is the game changer that most parents have never encountered.
• 9:28
  SPEAKER_00: It teaches you how to recognise when your nervous system is dysregulated, techniques to regulate in the moment so that you're able to think clearly, how to sit with the discomfort of other people's disapproval without collapsing and giving in, and ways to maintain your position under intense pressure.
• 9:44
  SPEAKER_00: Because changing or even challenging an arrangement means having uncomfortable conversations.
• 9:50
  SPEAKER_00: It means your ex being angry.
• 9:52
  SPEAKER_00: It means your lawyer perhaps pushing back.
• 9:54
  SPEAKER_00: It means, likely, having your motives questioned.
• 9:58
  SPEAKER_00: You need the internal capacity to handle those moments without freezing, agreeing, or giving up.
• 10:04
  SPEAKER_00: The capacity module teaches you practical evidence-based techniques to build this capacity progressively.
• 10:11
  SPEAKER_00: Not overnight.
• 10:12
  SPEAKER_00: This is a skill that we develop over time, but once you have it, everything else becomes so much more possible.
• 10:18
  SPEAKER_00: Then you have the knowledge and the capacity to act on it.
• 10:22
  SPEAKER_00: Step three of my protective parenting framework is about strategic implementation.
• 10:27
  SPEAKER_00: Module 19 covers challenging inappropriate arrangements, specifically how to document the impact that you're seeing in your child, how to present requests for change in ways that are strategic, communication approaches for different scenarios, how to anticipate and counter the predictable pushback that you'll face.
• 10:48
  SPEAKER_00: If you're working with either me or Trudy in one-on-one coaching, this is where we help you to craft the specific language for your situation, to role-play difficult conversations, to strategize around your specific situation and circumstances, to troubleshoot obstacles both as they arise but also ahead of time.
• 11:08
  SPEAKER_00: This is something that Trudy and I are particularly skilled at.
• 11:11
  SPEAKER_00: And to keep you accountable to holding your position even when it's hard.
• 11:15
  SPEAKER_00: This isn't a linear process, where we do step one, then step two, then step three, and we're done.
• 11:24
  SPEAKER_00: Rather, we're constantly moving through all three.
• 11:27
  SPEAKER_00: Deepening knowledge, building and growing capacity, implementing strategically, then going back to build more capacity when we hit a hard moment, and then implementing the next step.
• 11:38
  SPEAKER_00: That's why it's a complete system, not just a one and done course that you take once and you're finished.
• 11:44
  SPEAKER_00: So what actually changes when you do this work?
• 11:48
  SPEAKER_00: For your child, when you challenge and achieve changes to the arrangements, they start sleeping better again.
• 11:54
  SPEAKER_00: The anxiety at changeovers decreases because they have predictable, manageable time away from you.
• 12:00
  SPEAKER_00: Clinginess reduces because they're not in a constant state of attachment panic.
• 12:04
  SPEAKER_00: The regressions stop because their nervous system feels safe again.
• 12:08
  SPEAKER_00: You watch them become the happy, secure child that they were before the harmful arrangement started.
• 12:13
  SPEAKER_00: Because children can heal from disrupted attachment when the disruption stops.
• 12:19
  SPEAKER_00: For you, you can start to breathe normally again.
• 12:21
  SPEAKER_00: You stop checking your phone every five minutes.
• 12:24
  SPEAKER_00: You can be more present and tuned in with all of your children.
• 12:27
  SPEAKER_00: You can start sleeping through the night because you're not lying there worried or consumed with guilt and regret.
• 12:34
  SPEAKER_00: You have actual changeovers where you can give your child a hug and they can toddle off happily, and then you drive away knowing that they're okay.
• 12:42
  SPEAKER_00: Not perfect, it's still a transition that can be difficult, but it's more developmentally appropriate, manageable, and safe.
• 12:49
  SPEAKER_00: You can stop hating yourself because the guilt of watching your child suffer while you do nothing is crushing.
• 12:55
  SPEAKER_00: Believe me, I know.
• 12:57
  SPEAKER_00: The relief of finally taking action, even when it's hard, is something that I can't even put into words.
• 13:03
  SPEAKER_00: It's that profound.
• 13:05
  SPEAKER_00: Six months from now, that's what's possible.
• 13:07
  SPEAKER_00: Not perfect, not guaranteed, but possible.
• 13:11
  SPEAKER_00: Let me ask you something.
• 13:13
  SPEAKER_00: What would you pay for your child secure attachment?
• 13:15
  SPEAKER_00: Not just their in the moment comfort, but their actual long term capacity to form healthy relationships throughout their entire life.
• 13:23
  SPEAKER_00: Because that's what's being shaped right now.
• 13:25
  SPEAKER_00: In these early years.
• 13:27
  SPEAKER_00: Attachment patterns formed in the first five years influence relationships for decades, even lifetimes.
• 13:33
  SPEAKER_00: What would you pay to not lie awake at 3 AM consumed with guilt?
• 13:37
  SPEAKER_00: To be able to concentrate at work, to be able to be present with your kids, to be the friend who can actually listen instead of being consumed with your own crisis?
• 13:47
  SPEAKER_00: What would you pay to look back in twenty years and know that you protected your child's development during this critical window even when it was hard?
• 13:54
  SPEAKER_00: Even when others were telling you that you were wrong.
• 13:57
  SPEAKER_00: That's what's really at stake here.
• 13:59
  SPEAKER_00: Not just whether the arrangements feel fair to the grown-ups, but rather your child's entire foundation for relationships now and into the future, their nervous system development, their capacity to feel safe in the world.
• 14:11
  SPEAKER_00: The blueprint launched a few days ago to those who are on the wait list.
• 14:15
  SPEAKER_00: Now it's available to everyone else with a$150 discount, a gift from me.
• 14:22
  SPEAKER_00: Even without the discount, the blueprint costs less than two hours with most family lawyers.
• 14:28
  SPEAKER_00: And unlike those two hours where, hey, you know, I know there's plenty of good lawyers out there, but let's face it, a lot of what they talk about in terms of parenting arrangements is far from evidence-based.
• 14:39
  SPEAKER_00: It's far from guidance that actually serves your child.
• 14:44
  SPEAKER_00: Or if you're not ready for the full blueprint, the foundation edition of the blueprint gives you so many things to address the specific problem that we've spoken about right here on this episode.
• 14:55
  SPEAKER_00: You get the course introduction, the first three modules covering child development and age appropriate arrangements, plus the complete capacity building module.
• 15:03
  SPEAKER_00: Let's be real here.
• 15:05
  SPEAKER_00: Your child's development can't wait while you gather more information or hope that things magically improve.
• 15:10
  SPEAKER_00: The post-separation parenting blueprint is available right now with$150 off that is automatically applied at checkout from now through to the 15th of October at midnight.
• 15:22
  SPEAKER_00: After that, it goes to the full price.
• 15:24
  SPEAKER_00: The foundation edition is also available if you just want to start with the essentials.
• 15:29
  SPEAKER_00: Links are in the show notes, or you can head to the website Danielleblackcoaching.com.au.
• 15:34
  SPEAKER_00: Stop lying awake at 3 a.m.
• 15:36
  SPEAKER_00: frustrated with yourself for arrangements that are in place that should never have been agreed to in the first place.
• 15:43
  SPEAKER_00: Get the evidence, build your capacity, implement strategically, reach out for one-on-one support if you need it.
• 15:51
  SPEAKER_00: Your child deserves arrangements based on their developmental needs, not adult ideologies about fairness.
• 15:57
  SPEAKER_00: And you deserve to sleep at night knowing that you're doing everything that you can to protect your kids.
• 16:02
  SPEAKER_00: Until next time, keep fighting for what the evidence shows that your kids need.
• 16:06
  SPEAKER_00: And do what you can to access the tools to make it happen.
• 16:10
  SPEAKER_00: I'm with you every step of the way.