Latest / The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten / Physical "Types": What Are They And Why Are They Important

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Physical "Types": What Are They And Why Are They Important · The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten

• 0:05
  Hi everybody, and welcome to the doctor psych mom, show today.
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  I am going to talk about why people have physical types.
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  This was a request for my Facebook group, and it has to do
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  with many things. Basically, it's another version
• 0:21
  of Imago and I also discuss what you should do if you want to
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  marry. Somebody who isn't your type.
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  I've talked about this whole topic when I talk about when
• 0:32
  you've just never been attracted to your partner, I touch on This
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  and also when men don't want sex but I can go into it more in
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  depth upon request. So first you must subscribe, you
• 0:44
  are going to be missing so much. If you don't subscribe to my
• 0:46
  podcast, there are now close to 80 subscriber only episodes the
• 0:51
  most recent of which was why not to marry somebody who puts you
• 0:53
  on a pedestal even though that may seem like a lovely idea if
• 0:57
  you've been in a Loveless marriage before.
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  Okay, so what does it really mean to have a physical type?
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  Well, first of all, This isn't really just a physical type, I
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  mean, yeah, people say, oh, my type is tall guys or something.
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  But then when it gets down to brass tacks, or type is like
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  tall thin guys who are intellectuals.
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  I'm just not saying that because of anything related to my own
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  marriage. Just kidding.
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  That is my type. That's my husband.
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  But or they'll be like, oh, yeah.
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  I just like big boobs, but like, they don't just, like, big
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  boobs. Say, like, big boobs, and like a
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  woman who acts like a Certain flirty way and is also kind of
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  dresses, a certain way, like, everybody has their thing, you
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  know. And that's why you call it a
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  type. It's not just like a body part.
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  It's like a whole vibe as the young people say, and I only
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  know what they say, because I am a parent to young people.
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  So, yeah. So, like, a whole type is
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  usually comes from somewhere in your early life.
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  If you don't know this, it's interesting because fetishes are
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  also develop in childhood and people say, children, you know,
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  people nowadays put children in this like Purity puritanical
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  category of like beings, without any sorts of thoughts about sex?
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  That isn't true of you ever been a child, you know, children have
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  crushes children. Like, by the time, they hit like
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  tween years. They definitely think about sex,
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  in some way or another, even if they don't think of it as sex,
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  they know what they are attracted to.
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  This is when they start saying so.
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  And so it was cute. So, like, that doesn't happen
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  when you hit the age of 18 or 21, you know?
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  I mean it happens like in Middle School like puberty happens,
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  your hormones turn on, and this is when people children of that
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  age, start to develop types and things like that.
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  So and who they think is cute and a lot of that last forever,
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  you know, the same type that you thought was cute.
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  When you were 12 or 13, is probably the type that you think
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  is cute. Now, And fetishes, develop even
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  earlier than that, actually. But, but yes, like those those
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  are also from things that you see in your environment.
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  So, the major ways that I've seen your upbringing relate to,
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  your type are either. You get somebody exactly like a
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  parent that you idealized whichever parent that was
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  doesn't have to be the same gender.
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  So like it let's say Your mother was very you know let's say that
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  your mother was tall and imposing And she kind of made
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  comments about, you know, that were dismissive and whatever.
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  Well you are gonna go for some like big avoidant attachment
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  man, if you're like a heterosexual woman, you know?
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  I mean you don't have to go for the same gender but it's going
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  to be somebody that is like whatever parent you put on a
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  pedestal or if you had difficulty with some parent,
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  what I've seen a lot of and actuality is men who had very
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  intrusive like superwoman. Womanly sexual mothers like
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  mothers who are on the narcissus scale, somewhere, who were
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  always trying to kind of get men with their looks.
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  And these men are always focused on women's looks, you know, like
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  like they want, like, the model type or like the girl who
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  everybody thinks is hot which like, you, maybe like, who
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  doesn't want that? Plenty of, guys.
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  Don't want that. You know, plenty of guys, are
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  they do not need every head to turn when their wife walks into
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  a room. But guys who have Mother's That
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  we're like kind of high up on the narcissist scale and look
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  down on other women for not being pretty frequently.
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  They have learned from their mothers that like hotness is the
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  most important thing. And I've actually seen it now
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  that I think about it, also, with women who had a
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  narcissistic father's that they go for a guy and who's really
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  into his looks and his whole his car and his suits, and his
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  haircut and everything, they'll kind of go for guys like that
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  too. Sometimes if you have bad enough
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  issues with a parent then you will develop.
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  Philip a type in opposition to that.
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  So like if your mother was this super sexual woman, that was
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  like, always trying to, you know, get men from based on her
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  looks and her body. Then you might go for a woman
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  who is very kind of shy and demure, but I mean, it remains
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  to be seen, like, kind of like, who knows what those men Google
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  on PornHub, you know, like that may not actually be there type,
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  but there are some men who like kind of brag about being with
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  like a woman who's like, deeper than They are shallow mother you
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  know and by deeper they mean not only that she thinks deeply but
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  also that she doesn't care like ostensibly doesn't care as much
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  about, you know, the like dressing a certain way to
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  attract men. But again, like I've I have more
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  often seen that if you have a narcissistic parent, who is
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  really into their looks, then you're going to be drawn to a
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  very specific conventionally super attractive type of person
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  and that will be part of your identity to get like the model.
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  All type of person, the person that other people envy and that
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  everybody considers quote hot. But this does not apply to
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  everybody because everybody doesn't have a narcissistic
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  parent. So most people it's like you
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  know my mom was like a small blond and somehow I like end up
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  going for a small women or blond women or both you know and so it
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  really does start there for some people.
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  It's not about that. It's about like an ant or a
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  sibling but it's not going to come from nowhere, you know,
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  like your type. Comes from somewhere in your
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  subconscious to same way as fetishes.
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  Like if a guy is a pantyhose fetish, don't even think people
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  wear pantyhose anymore. So pantyhose fetish must be
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  dying off. But it's usually because they
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  saw a lot of pantyhose growing up, you know, and like their mom
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  their aunts, whoever, you know, they had positive experiences
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  with women acting nicely to them, while they were wearing
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  pantyhose and something just clicked, you know, and their
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  brain. But anyway, so you have a
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  certain type and it goes usually, Even if you think of it
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  as physical, it goes beyond the physical.
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  So like women will be like, have a physical type.
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  It's like this big buff alpha male like alpha male is not a
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  body type. So yes.
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  When you mean it's like some big confident, arrogant guy who goes
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  to the gym. Cool.
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  You know, I mean but that is not just physical because there's
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  also shy guys who go to the gym and you're not as into them.
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  And this remember that's not everybody like if you if you are
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  a part of a lot of men's Forums on the internet, you'll be like
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  Yeah, literally every woman is like dying to have some like big
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  alpha male goes to the gym that is like not true at all, at all
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  at all. Like that is totally not true.
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  Like, certainly there's some women that like that, but
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  there's plenty of women that don't like that and that are not
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  just not attracted to that. So, so let's say that you.
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  All right, so we talked about physical type, so let's say
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  you're like, yeah, I definitely know my physical type, but
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  here's the thing is, like, I met this person is really nice and
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  they're not my type. They're like so Nice.
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  And I'm in the honeymoon stage right now and I can just see
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  marrying them, don't do that. Save yourself some heartache
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  down the line because you're in the honeymoon phase so you could
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  probably have sex with like a wall and enjoy it, you know,
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  because your hormones are racing if you even at this honeymoon
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  stage you know that this man is in your type or this woman isn't
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  your type go away from them like really like it's I mean it
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  sounds harsh and maybe for some people.
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  It's out. I mean, remember, like, you
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  know, I see a lot of unhappy couples, so maybe there's a lot
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  of happy ones hiding somewhere that marry against type.
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  But both of our personal life, in terms of friends that I have
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  and in terms of clients that I see people seem to always be
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  happier when they feel like they got that person that they always
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  wanted. There's even some Tick-Tock
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  thing out now about my childhood crush, and my wife, / husband
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  now and the funny part is that there Like so similar, there's
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  even some guy who did it for joke that he liked had a crush
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  on like Cinderella or something. Like the cartoon that is actual
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  wife is blond blue-eyed woman and it's like looks kind of like
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  the cartoon. And so the idea is like this in
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  the mainstream media. Even you know is that you would
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  of course, be happier is the conceit if you marry somebody
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  who is like the person you always wanted and it really
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  Bears out in what I see because I have seen Many cases where the
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  person's like, we just really didn't have the spark that I had
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  with other people but the sex was good, you know, at the
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  beginning. But now I really am not
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  attracted to this person. And that's usually because they
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  say something like, yeah, every woman, I did it until her had
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  red hair and then, you know, like, but she was real nice and
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  pretty and stuff, and she's has brown hair and I'm married her.
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  And, you know, um, and what they're saying in the arm is Is
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  she never turned out to be as, as compelling to me is the ones
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  with red hair or whatever else. You know, the whole vibe as I
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  said of red hair people, it's not just gonna be red hair.
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  It's gonna be red hair and big boobs, like Jessica Rabbit or
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  something, you know. So whatever the case may be, so
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  if you are drawn to marry somebody, that isn't your tape,
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  it's probably because you're trying to kind of use your
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  rational brain to make better decisions.
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  And while I do, definitely say people should Certainly turned
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  their brain on when they're dating, not just date with their
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  genitals. There is also something to be
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  said for a spark and chemistry, and if you do not feel like you
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  have been at your max attraction capacity to your spouse, don't
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  marry that to your prospective spouse.
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  Don't marry them. And this is like how I did a
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  podcast. Like, of course, you should
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  marry the best sex you ever had. You can.
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  And you should, because there was I forget what spurred that
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  it was something that I read. If you listen to the podcast,
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  I'm sure I said what's bertadawn where somebody on social media
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  said like you shouldn't or, or you can't or nobody women.
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  Don't marry that. This what it was women don't
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  marry the best sex I ever had. It was then saying, basically,
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  Women Marry a provider but the past month that they, dated,
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  were the men that they really were sexually attracted to, and
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  that's like not true for the average woman.
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  You know what? And I knew many average women
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  when we were all, you know, single back in the day and women
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  were happy to be with the person that they were super attracted
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  to this is who they wanted to marry.
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  So, I don't know about all these like people women who are making
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  these conscious decisions to marry providers that is that in
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  no way, replicates anything that I saw in my, in my friend group
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  or anything. And, of course, I mean, the
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  Myriad, women who I speak to, in my practice, who were Primary
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  Breadwinners or like, what the fuck.
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  I must have missed that boat because, you know, like I was, I
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  was always on tractor and more than my partner.
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  And there are way more women like that then male primary
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  Breadwinners, realize, and increasingly more all the time.
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  I think by now it's like 30% or something of women are primary
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  Breadwinners or more because that, that includes single
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  mothers, I don't remember. But it's definitely, at least
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  30, which is more than it's ever been and it's increasing all the
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  time but the the case that the When I was trying to make is
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  yes, you should marry somebody that you're super attracted to
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  and yes, you should marry somebody who's your type.
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  This is physical and like, emotionally physically and
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  emotionally important, the emotional piece because if you
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  do not marry, somebody who's like this, you're always going
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  to be yearning for somebody. Who is your type, you know, and
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  you will always have your head turn.
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  So it's a risk to the marriage because of somebody who is your
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  type hits on you later on when you're like a bad place with the
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  quotes. Seven year, itch, or whatever,
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  in the marriage, then? Yeah, I mean it's going to be
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  it's going to be more more of a threat to the commitment and
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  that shouldn't be true. But it is true because people
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  are human they're people by definition.
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  So if you owe and then sometimes people say well you know my
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  boyfriend or girlfriend before me always dated one type and I'm
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  not that type well you know tread carefully and try to look
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  very objectively Your relationship.
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  If that's the case, are there any signals that your partner is
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  not as into you as they were into other people?
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  You know, is there this kind of like, like feeling or do they
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  explicitly, or implicitly State really, that, it's just
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  different with you. It's a more mature relationship.
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  That's never a good sign. When people say, it's just a
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  more mature relationship, could people mature and immature and
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  mature until they die. So, what they would think, They
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  may mean by saying that is it's almost like a post sexual
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  relationship you know. Like I was young and led around
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  by my dick or my vagina and now I'm not I'm mature and I am able
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  to see that attraction, isn't everything?
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  And that's not who you want to marry.
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  That's not who's going to be totally in love with you.
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  I talked about this is particularly important for women
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  to be the attractive, the man's most attractive partner, because
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  men are super visual And I've done a whole podcast on that
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  that research shows that couples are happier when the woman is
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  considered more attractive than the man by everybody including
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  the man and the woman. But but anyway, yes, you should
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  tread carefully. Of course, if maybe there are
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  people who mean this relationship is more mature
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  because I used to have borderline personality and I
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  worked on myself a lot in therapy and now I don't, you
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  know, throw Molotov cocktails and to my boyfriend's apartment
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  when I'm mad cool. Cool.
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  Then that's like a good version of a more mature relationship
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  but if somebody means yeah, like with my exes it was just all
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  about sex and with you you know it isn't and that's so great and
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  we're so compatible. No, that just means like they
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  are disillusioned with the world and they are like sick and tired
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  of dating and they're trying to hope against hope that there is
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  some like post. So again, post sexual sort of
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  relationship. That is an option for them and
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  unless that's what you want too. Or unless you're both 85 years
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  old, it really shouldn't be what you're going for.
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  So anyway, that is what I think about types physical types and
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  the whole idea of them in addition to what to do if you
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  are not with one or with somebody who thinks that you are
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  their type or not with somebody who who is your tidy.
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  All right, I hope that I'll enjoy this.
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  A please do subscribe and I will talk to everybody soon.