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The Expectation Shift: When Kindness Isn’t Returned · I Care About You

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Hello, beautiful souls, and welcome to I Care about yout,
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the podcast, where we figure out who we are and where we're going.
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Today, I want to talk about something that has been a
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constant thorn in my side throughout my life. This belief,
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our expectation, shall I say, of expecting everyone
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else to react to things the
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way I would react to things. I know it's
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challenging when you have an expectation that.
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Just want to make sure I plugged this in.
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I did not. There we go. I had to plug in my mic.
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There we go. Okay. The expectation that
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everyone is going to respond the way
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you would for something. A lot of us
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who are really emotionally
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intelligent empaths, very interested
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in helping others find ourselves, often expecting
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the same kind of treatment back and very upset
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when that doesn't happen. And so that's what I want
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to really talk about today, because for me, it was very debilitating
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for the majority of my life until I just really stopped expecting that.
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Before we go any further, I want to remind you about my book,
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Reasons to Live. It's available everywhere. There'll be a
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link in the description that has a lot of helpful
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exercises for how to just approach life in a more positive way
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and to find meaning and purpose and feeling that you're
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not alone out in the world. Did I introduce myself?
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I'm your host, Juliana Jay. I've been really, really sick,
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so there's been some encore performances as I recover, and my voice isn't
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quite altogether there anymore. So hopefully I can make through this podcast without
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coughing. If you're feeling sick, I am so sorry you've
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caught this bug that's going around. It's pretty invasive.
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We are always expecting others to react to a level of kindness,
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compassion, patience, understanding, and support that we would give them.
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And today we're just going to explore why that expectation causes
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pain, how releasing it actually frees you and helps relationships
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grow, and finally, how to discern the difference between someone who is
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simply unsure of how to respond and someone who just can't meet your
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needs. And at that point, it's a reflection for you. Do I
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want this person in my life or do I not? Or you can't not
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have this person in my life. Can I lower my expectations?
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Can I lower my ways of
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reacting with them, such as not going to them when you really need
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emotional support. So what is the root of this
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expectation? We all do it. We unconsciously assume that other
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others operate like we do.
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If you're someone who responds to pain with compassion,
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who reacts to out of love and difficult Moments who
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tries to make space for others. It feels natural to expect others to
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do the same. But here's the thing. Every person is
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shaped differently by their upbringing, their own trauma,
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their emotional skills, and even their biology to
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some degree. Expecting someone to meet you where you wish they
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would, instead of expecting
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someone to meet you where you wish you were, instead of
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where they actually are, sets up a frustration.
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It's like reading your roadmap into someone else's journey
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and then feeling disappointed when they don't follow your route.
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Psychology talks about this in terms of perspective
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taking. The ability to see things from another person's
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point of view. That doesn't mean imagining they feel exactly the way
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you feel, but recognizing their emotions and actions emerge from their
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own internal world and not from yours.
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So now that we know we all sort of struggle
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with this from time to time, what are the benefits of letting go
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of that expectation, of letting go of that control, that need
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for the other person to act as we want them to benefit?
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Number one, you protect your emotional energy when you
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stop assuming everyone will respond how you would. You stop
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taking every unmet expectation personally.
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This reduces resentment, stress, and lets you respond
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more intentionally.
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Instead of just reacting emotionally. Often when
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we let go of an expectation we have for somebody
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else when they do something, that's part of that old
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pattern of not meeting the expectation we have, it causes a
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little pause. Lean into that pause when it happens and be
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more intentional about your response rather than just reacting emotionally
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like, why can't you understand? Why can't you help me? Why can't you
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be supportive? Why you never do this, that or
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the other for me. And number two, you see people
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with more clarity. The second you stop that expectation,
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you see who they really are. Instead of getting stuck in what they should
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have done, who they should be, how they should respond, you observe
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what they actually did. This clarity is essential
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for healthy relationships, both casual and intimate.
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This recently happened to me. I was struggling with this relationship of,
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you know, why can't I let this person in all the way I
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want to, maybe I should. Everybody's expecting me to.
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But when I started looking at them as who
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they actually are and where they could actually meet me in
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conversation, in when things are difficult,
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when I need support, but generally in just day to
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day things of just needing someone to
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have deep conversations, maybe even difficult
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conversations, sometimes are critical conversations and
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they can't do it, let alone when you really need support.
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They obviously can't be there for you because they can't have
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those conversations. You can't have a deeper relationship with them. And I
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really had to come to terms with that in this relationship and realize
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that this is what it is and we can have fun together, but it'll
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never be anything more than that and that's okay.
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Another benefit is that you build stronger boundaries.
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When you stop projecting your values on others,
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you start asking a better question, is this
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person capable of what I need or not? This helps you set
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boundaries where they're truly needed. So,
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so, so true. Once you start asking yourself that question when you
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feel disappointed in how somebody responds, it really helps
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you set a boundary with them. Well, they're not somebody I go to when
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I'm really upset. They can't have these deep conversations,
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they can't support me. They're not in a place to
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be that and I don't have to be that for them.
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It doesn't have to be a one way street where I am
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always giving and they are always taking. I can have a boundary there and stop
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being that springboard for them, stop being that
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person they go to when they need help. Just stop being it. A boundary.
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There you are. And the last benefit. There's many benefits. This isn't the
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last, but the last one I'm going to talk about today is you cultivate compassion
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rather than disappointment. Releasing rigid expectations
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doesn't mean becoming cold or indifferent. It actually fosters
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deeper compassion. When you understand someone's limitations,
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you can create space to respond kindly from
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a place of choice rather than frustration.
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Research shows that self compassion, giving yourself the
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understanding you'd give a friend, can also expand your
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tolerance and acceptance of others. It teaches you that imperfection
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is universal. And boy oh boy, at least in the Western culture,
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at least in the United States, this is huge. We all expect everyone
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to be perfect all the time and we forget that they're humans.
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We expect people who are in the limelight to
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be perfect. And when they fall short even with something very,
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very small, we are upset with them.
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We're upset with our parents, our children, our,
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our family, our friends, acquaintances, people we
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know on the street, people we don't know at all but do something strange when
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we're in the supermarket or whatnot, we just are
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cultivating this going to frustration, this expectation that people are going
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to let you down. Rather than having self compassion, rather than looking at
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the person and going, you know, maybe they're having a bad day
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or I don't think they wanted to be this evil person that
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they've grown up to be. What happened to them that made them this way we
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all expect ourselves and others. This expectation often
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comes from self imposed standards.
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The belief that kindness, understanding, patience are
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universal truths. When that doesn't show up, we feel misunderstood
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or dismissed. But this isn't just about others.
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Sometimes it reflects our own worthiness struggles
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where we equate someone's understanding with validation
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of our value. This is huge and deep and a topic
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unto itself. Letting go of the expectation is not
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a rejection of your own values. It's respecting
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reality while staying grounded in your values.
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It's about realizing that your worthiness you
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already have. You don't have to seek it from others.
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The fact that you're here makes you worthy.
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So how do you decipher someone's behavior? Let's talk about this
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practical skill. How can
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you tell someone is unsure how to respond versus incapable
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of kindness altogether? Signs someone can be uncertain or
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awkward. With emotional interactions, they freeze or avoid
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the topic. Instead of reacting with with hostility,
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that's important. They're not reacting at you with anger.
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They're just changing the subject or freezing or not saying anything
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or maybe not making eye contact. They show inconsistent
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responses. Sometimes they're supportive, sometimes they're not.
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You just don't know. They ask questions or
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seek clarification. Sometimes the questions
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are about, I don't know how to respond to this, so I'm going to ask
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more questions. And sometimes the questions are a little deflective in
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a way. They want to kind of get off the subject. So it all depends
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on what questions they're asking. If they're asking to seek more clarification about
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your situation, they want to know how to respond. And they don't
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know how to right now. If they just start asking questions like do you want
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to go to the barbecue on Saturday or should we have spaghetti for dinner or
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something of that nature, that's kind of deflecting,
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avoiding. These are learning behaviors.
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People are trying to show up, but they don't know how. They may
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need guidance, patience, or gentle communication. Maybe you can even
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tell them what you need. I've learned that a lot of times in conversations I
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need to tell people upfront, I don't want you to solve this problem for me
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or give me advice. I just want you to listen
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to me and then feel compassionate
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towards me. Say something compassionate towards me. Could be,
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I'm sorry you're feeling this way, what have you. Maybe I need a
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hug or something of that nature. Who knows? But it's
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learning how to tell them how to react
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if you need them to. And again, my book Reasons to Live has
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a big section in there on how to help people, what questions to ask,
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what to expect, how to guide people in a conversation when you yourself are
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in crisis and you need support,
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and also how to give support to people in crisis.
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Often when we're in crisis, we can't really articulate the things
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we need. Here are some signs that someone's incapable of kindness
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or consistent support. Their actions repeatedly dismiss
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your feelings or your needs. They manipulate compliments,
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guilt or praise to control rather than uplift.
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They could also have kind of backhanded
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manipulation or insults. They could do that for
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you. Something like, wow, I'm sorry that happened to you,
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but I can see that by the way you act all the time and
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then not follow it up with anything for understanding and
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not saying, well, maybe you know, your actions were
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part of the problem. Not being able to come at
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that question with kindness and compassion for you,
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instead it feels more like an insult. When their kindness
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feels conditional or self serving. They're only being kind
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to you so they can get something. They consistently make you feel
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worse rather than better. Patterns like this success suggest
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emotional limitations or defensive coping mechanisms,
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not just awkwardness. True kindness
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doesn't need applause. It shows up quietly and consistently.
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This is really important. Another thing
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I want to bring up in this that happens to me quite often with this
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person I was talking about earlier. They don't even remember
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when you talk to them about a something
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that was really important for you or
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that you're troubled with or struggling with. They don't even
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remember it, or they don't remember all the details or they laugh at you sometimes
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laughter can be nervousness and they don't know how to respond. And you know,
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you know the difference. When someone's like, oh, that's silly that you're upset
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about that, that's dumb, you know, let it go, whatever, and that's it.
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And they don't check back in with you ever about it. Or maybe
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it's a problem you're having with them and they avoid the conversation altogether
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and say you are being stupid or dumb
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or too controlling or too something. Now that
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might be true on some level and you have to be open to hearing that.
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But also if that's their go to response for everything,
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it is cause to reflect on that.
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Before we get into how to break the habit of expectation, I want you
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Those links will be in the description of this podcast
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along with my promo code I care about you. So let's get back
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into it. What can you do? What are some actionable steps
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you can take here? Check your assumptions. Ask yourself what
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am I expecting myself in this person? Am I expecting something they could actually
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give me or not? Do we have a history of them always letting me
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down or always being there for me? Or little of this,
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a little of that. What is it? Communicate needs clearly.
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People can't meet needs they don't know
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exist. Be specific.
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Just label out what you need. Like I was
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saying earlier, what do you need from this person? I don't need advice. I just
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want support. I just want understanding. I just want some
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compassion right now. Practice empathy and boundaries.
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Empathy doesn't mean tolerating harm, it means
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understanding context while protecting your well being.
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Strengthen your self compassion. When you treat yourself with kindness,
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you're less dependent on others to validate your own worth
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and more open to seeing others as they truly are.
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Now all this is backed by science and other
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research which I will also link in the description if you'd want to
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read more about this. So thank you so much for being here for tuning
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in. Letting go of expecting yourself in others
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isn't easy, but it's one of the most liberating
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and relationally enriching shifts
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that you can make. It helps you love clearly,
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compassionately and realistically. If you found this
18:12
podcast helpful, please subscribe. Share Like
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Comment all the things that you can do Leave a comment
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Tell us what you're struggling with or if you've
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been doing this and what you do to kind of get
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out of that cycle of expecting others in yourself.
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And until next time, my dear, dear friends,
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may your expectations be clearer and your compassion
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deeper. Know that I love you and I support you and
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I care about you and we're all in this together. Together. Take good