Latest / The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten / How To Convince Your Partner To Try Couples Counseling

Transcript

How To Convince Your Partner To Try Couples Counseling · The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten

• 0:05
  Hi everybody. And welcome to the doctors.
• 0:07
  Psych mom show. Today.
• 0:09
  We're going to be talking about how to convince a partner to get
• 0:12
  into couples counseling and honestly, it's not much
• 0:15
  different than individual counseling to how to convince
• 0:18
  them to do that. I'll talk about that briefly as
• 0:20
  well. This was by a request and my
• 0:22
  Facebook group. So, if you haven't joined that
• 0:24
  yet, please do. There's lots of interesting
• 0:27
  discussions. That is a paid group on
• 0:29
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• 0:32
  subscribe and you pretty much should subscribe.
• 0:35
  So you can hear a lot of my extra podcast about attachment
• 0:40
  theory about sex about oral sex on women about boundaries about
• 0:44
  parenting about other aspects of relationship and pathetic
• 0:48
  ruptures and so forth. So there's a lot to be gotten
• 0:51
  from a paid subscription and more coming.
• 0:54
  All the time about every four or five regular episodes.
• 0:59
  I do a paid one. So anyhow, what we want to
• 1:04
  discuss today, Today is when you really think that you need
• 1:08
  couples counseling but your partner won't do it.
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  So there's a lot of reasons that Partners do not want to go into
• 1:13
  couples counseling and most of them involve shame.
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  So if your partner really does not want couples counseling, it
• 1:20
  probably means they don't want to be called out on some shit.
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  And they are not wanting to think of themselves as any part
• 1:27
  of the problem. And they have a fear that the
• 1:30
  therapist will say that they are the problem.
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  Now, the therapist never going to say they are the problem and
• 1:34
  less like Therapist is like shitty therapist.
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  It's always going to be takes two to tango, but men in
• 1:40
  particular think that they are going to be ganged up on with
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  the therapist and their wife and they're gonna have no shot and
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  they're gonna have to do all these crazy communication,
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  psychobabble shit and their own issues within the marriage which
• 1:53
  are usually in the sexual realm are never going to be addressed.
• 1:56
  And unfortunately, I'd like to say this is not true, but it can
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  be very true. So that's why you need to find a
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  therapist with whom your partner has buy-in.
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  And if there are sexual issues of therapist who is familiar
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  with and comfortable with discussing sex be and that's
• 2:12
  like the only kind of couples counselor.
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  I hired. I mean, if you're in Maryland,
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  you could see my couples counselor at my practice or, of
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  course, you could always see me, but I'm not just in Maryland,
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  but if you are looking for a therapist, you need somebody who
• 2:27
  your husband is going to click with, as well as you and now a
• 2:30
  lot of I feel like they want couples counseling but their
• 2:33
  wife won't and that is because the wife doesn't want to be
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  called out on her shit like this.
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  Always why? You know, I mean it's like not a
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  thing like, to inquire about terribly deeply.
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  Why doesn't somebody want to go to counseling?
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  Because they don't want to get called out on their shit and
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  they think it's going to be a fucking waste of time.
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  And those things are really not mutually exclusive.
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  So they think they are going to be paying for the privilege of
• 2:57
  being told that everything is their fault, which is a waste of
• 3:00
  time. Time and they don't want to be
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  called out on their shit. Not just because they feel
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  shame. That is one big reason but also
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  because they fear that it will be very unilateral.
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  And if you've had past experiences where the couple's
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  counselor, identified with one patient very very obviously than
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  they're going to be even less likely to try it again.
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  And there are many situations where the therapist therapist or
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  people obviously. So they get triggered by like
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  one partner or another. In the identify with one more
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  than the other and this shouldn't happen.
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  But it does, you know what? I mean?
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  It's like, your doctor like is also going to not be completely
• 3:40
  subjective and nobody is your teacher may get triggered by
• 3:44
  your child. Like, you know, people are
• 3:46
  people and they have their lens through which they view things.
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  And so that's why you have to be willing to go to multiple
• 3:52
  couples counselors until you find a good fit.
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  Now. If you're like us for the third
• 3:56
  couples counselor, something then you got to assume that
• 3:58
  like, maybe there is like a problem.
• 4:01
  Going on. Where one or both of you is very
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  averse to opening up. But if you've tried like three
• 4:06
  or four, and if you tried less than three or four, then keep
• 4:10
  trying to find one particularly, if you know, you are still
• 4:15
  experiencing massive distress, which is like obviously when
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  people want counseling you should try to go in before
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  divorce is on the table, but people don't.
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  But you should really try to go in as early as possible when
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  you're having conflict so that you could work on.
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  Things from the beginning before they get really bad.
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  So, how do you work on it to convince a partner when they
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  don't want to go into couples counseling.
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  I mean, the most obvious way is to say that, you know, you're
• 4:41
  part of the problem. And that you want to discuss
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  your own contribution to the marital Discord.
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  And you want to understand tools and techniques for you being
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  different. So how might this look?
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  So, let's say that your husband is emotionally unavailable and
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  you are Very anxious all the time about the fact that you
• 5:04
  guys don't connect and you feel increasingly distant and you
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  tried to get him to talk to you and he doesn't and you say, I
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  think that we should go to couples counseling and he says
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  no way that's just going to be somebody else.
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  Telling me that I don't talk enough.
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  I don't have time for that shit. I'm supporting this family Etc.
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  Well, what about, if you say, you know, I got to work on
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  myself to like, I know that I'm up your ass.
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  I know that I'm pursuing you constantly, and I know that I'm
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  making things worse because I'm not as pathetic as I Can be and
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  I stress you out and I know that and also obviously, as you've
• 5:35
  brought to my attention, we don't have enough sex.
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  So those are things that I can work on.
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  It's not just going to be all about you.
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  Like don't just say like, broadly.
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  It's not going to be all about you say, like, literally, what
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  are your failings like my failings?
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  You would say are that? I am bothering you.
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  I'm crying when you say you don't want to talk to me like,
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  you know, I am making things dramatic or like whatever the
• 5:57
  case may be if you have a concrete thing that you're
• 6:00
  coming, In to work on, then obviously, your partner is going
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  to be super less threatened. If you, then if you come into it
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  saying, we need to go to couples counseling because you don't
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  know how to communicate with me. Well, who the hell would want to
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  go to couples counseling? Under that circumstance?
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  That would just be stupid. Right?
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  I mean, who would want to go sit there?
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  Take off of work paying money for the privilege of sitting
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  there and potentially only being told what they're doing wrong
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  now to extend. This like what about if your
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  partner has depression anxiety? Trauma Etc, and they won't go to
• 6:36
  counseling despite you asking them to, well, sometimes the
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  soft rollout can be couples counseling.
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  So for example, your partner's depressed.
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  You say seems like you're struggling so much.
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  Obviously, we're not connecting. I want to know how I can better
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  support you and whatever issue this person is depressed about
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  and I really want to go to couples counseling so you can
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  kind of get in there and then once you're there if the person
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  is depressed the couple's counselor will usually recommend
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  A therapy as well. And if there's been buying with
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  the couple's counselor than this person is much more likely to go
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  to individual. You can also start your own
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  therapy, which will get them real curious about therapy.
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  And if you're engaged in all this self actualization
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  frequently, a partner will want to get in on it themselves.
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  Last, of course you if it truly is now.
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  Nah, I don't like, say, do ultimatums that are fake.
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  But like, if you really on the precipice of divorce, unless
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  your partner gets treated for, whatever the hell they're
• 7:30
  problem is, they be real about that and say, like, your ADHD,
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  for example, is like, extremely stressful to me.
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  And I am deeply considering leaving if you don't get
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  treatment and often, that is what causes people to go into
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  treatment. They finally hit rock.
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  That is a version of hitting rock, bottom.
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  When your spouse says, I will leave you if you don't do X,
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  only do it though. If you're really considering
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  divorce you just like fucking with them and you're going to
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  take it back then, don't do that.
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  That's mean. But if you want to really be
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  honest about where you're at and you're at a very big inflection
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  point, then it's incumbent upon you to share it.
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  And in fact, it's being a bad partner.
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  If you do not share the fact that you are about to leave if
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  they don't get their ADHD, depression PTSD.
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  The substance abuse Etc treated. So when you are talking about
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  bringing a couple of counselor into the makes you want to come
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  at it from a place of, I really want to work on this
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  relationship because it's important to me, you know, you
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  don't want to say like this relationship is terrible.
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  It's horrible. And we need somebody to like fix
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  us because we suck. Like if at all possible you want
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  to focus on the strengths of the marriage and say yeah, like
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  obviously we're struggling a lot, but I just want us to
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  Better. I know that we're not in the
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  best place that we could be and that's where I want to be.
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  And don't be scared to use the children there.
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  If you have them, our children deserve to see us, get along.
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  I want our children to see loving parents.
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  I want their children to see what a happy marriage is usually
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  relevant. Does neither of us, saw a happy
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  marriage. And so I want to make sure that
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  our children do so, this is really, I mean, the the nuts and
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  bolts of how to convince somebody to go to therapy.
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  Now, if they refuse to go, you start your own individual
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  therapy and talk to them about it, you know, and say this is
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  what I'm learning. This is what I'm learning, but I
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  really wish that we were doing this together.
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  Sometimes people do this and eventually this partner actually
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  starts coming in, you know, they start to come in to see me
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  because they've heard so much about me.
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  It's like we know each other and sometimes they come in to clear
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  their names subconsciously because like they don't know
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  what the hell, the person say it about them.
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  So they want to go in and give me the real deal.
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  And then once they give me their perspective, they They're
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  engaged in some way. They see that I'm not a scary
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  ogre. They see that things are going
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  to be even-handed and that's how that goes.
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  And also when I'm working with people individually, I'm always
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  saying to them, go tell your partner, you know, like what
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  we're working on like in terms of the relationship.
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  Oh, you're gonna try to be more patient.
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  Oh, good. Tell him, I'm gonna try to be
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  more patient with you, blah, blah, blah.
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  So then, when the partner potentially wants to come into
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  already, have a positive feeling about this.
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  Oh, this This therapy is what's helping my wife.
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  Yell at me less. Oh good.
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  So I wonder how we could even amplify this effect of this
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  therapy. If I were to actually be
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  involved and to say what is actually going on in real time
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  versus what my wife just reports which who knows what you report.
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  So this is really a difficult problem.
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  When you have a partner who really is is kind of emotionally
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  and verbally like that's not their strong suit, so they think
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  that They are not going to be able to kind of keep up in
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  couples counseling because they're not very verbal.
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  They're more like a math person, or they're more of a logic
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  person, or whatever than emotions or a verbal person.
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  So, in this case, of course, I mean, obviously, they're not
• 11:04
  going to be as comfortable and couples counseling.
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  And I talked about this in my post that I linked to about
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  reasons, that men aren't so big into a couples counseling, but
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  the therapist is obviously not going to or not.
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  Obviously. We but a good therapist or a
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  therapist that's a good for you is not going to force anybody to
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  have an entirely different personality.
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  It's not like a guy who's into like spreadsheets and data is
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  going to have to like talk to his wife for like 45 minutes,
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  everyday about like his childhood.
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  In order for the therapist to be happy.
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  She just doesn't work like that and people's expectations aren't
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  like that. A woman married to such a man,
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  might be happy if he just sent a text.
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  That was nice every so often and smiled.
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  Scowling or not, looking up from his computer, people's
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  expectations, and couples counseling of their partner are
• 11:54
  actually not for a person to experience transformational
• 11:58
  personality change. But rather to just kind of be
• 12:01
  less of an asshole and that is a starting place and then there
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  can be sometimes transformational change, but the
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  first step is for people, just not to push each other's buttons
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  in a way that makes both of them into the worst version of
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  themselves and allows their children to witness.
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  Unending marital conflict, and dysfunction so people's goals,
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  and you should verbalize this to your partner.
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  If you are the one, who is hoping to get them into couples
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  counseling, to say my goals aren't to like change you as a
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  person. You know, I like who you are as
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  a person overall, but like, there's just things that aren't
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  working and we're obviously fighting and, you know, I mean,
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  things things have not been good.
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  So I want to get in on the ground floor of that and to help
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  our whole family be better. So since this is topic is over.
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  I can either talk more about random shit related to this,
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  which sometimes I do and sometimes could be interesting
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  or I could be a little bit really pick up.
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  It's Friday afternoon. That's what I think I'll do.
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  So I hope that you got interesting Intel out of this
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  about real just pragmatic strategies of what to say to
• 13:08
  your partner. Why they may not want to go how
• 13:11
  to empathize with that. And then real concrete tips to
• 13:15
  get Them in and to get them to at least try.
• 13:18
  So try it see what happens. And of course if you have any
• 13:24
  other topic suggestions, particularly, if you are a
• 13:26
  subscriber or my Facebook group do not hesitate to recommend
• 13:30
  something else that I chat about during this podcast.
• 13:33
  Talk to everybody soon. Have a good weekend.