Latest / Bomb Life / Unfiltered: Faking Orgasms, Red Flags and The Lies We Tell Ourselves with Melissa & Jen |330

Transcript

Unfiltered: Faking Orgasms, Red Flags and The Lies We Tell Ourselves with Melissa & Jen |330 · Bomb Life

0:01
[SPEAKER_01]: Welcome to the Bomb Life Podcasts for Fitness, Mindset, and real talk collide.
0:05
[SPEAKER_01]: This is it just about workouts.
0:06
[SPEAKER_01]: It's about transferring your body to mind and life.
0:09
[SPEAKER_01]: Get ready for unsoldier conversations, expert advice, and the motivation you need to level up in every way.
0:15
[SPEAKER_01]: Hey everyone, welcome to the Bomb Life Podcasts.
0:19
[SPEAKER_01]: Today I have my co-host back on with me, Jen Corté.
0:22
[SPEAKER_01]: Welcome back, Jen.
0:23
[SPEAKER_01]: Yay!
0:24
[SPEAKER_01]: Glad to be here.
0:25
[SPEAKER_01]: It's been an interesting start.
0:27
[SPEAKER_00]: Yes.
0:28
[SPEAKER_01]: Oh my god, Jen blew out her pants.
0:30
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, not what shit.
0:32
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, I put my pants on and I tore my booty.
0:36
[SPEAKER_00]: No, my booty jeans.
0:38
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, this is like, I don't know big booty duty.
0:41
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah.
0:42
[SPEAKER_00]: Well, I, it's weird.
0:44
[SPEAKER_00]: I game two pounds and I think it literally went all to my ass.
0:55
[SPEAKER_01]: what is happening?
0:56
[SPEAKER_01]: Please don't start sweating.
0:58
[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, it's been it's been interesting and it's been a very interesting week.
1:03
[SPEAKER_01]: Actually months since you and I last podcasted on here.
1:07
[SPEAKER_01]: We got some really good feedback from that episode that we did.
1:12
[SPEAKER_01]: I'm sure pissing a lot of people off.
1:14
[SPEAKER_01]: Did you get any feedback like from your followers and people that listen to you and work with you and what they thought of the show?
1:21
[SPEAKER_00]: Just like, honestly, I got tons of different feedback.
1:25
[SPEAKER_00]: All mostly positive, just like, wow, you know, I had no idea, like, you went through so much, and it's like, I only barely hit on things, right?
1:36
[SPEAKER_01]: I know that I was gonna say, like, we'd barely talked about stuff.
1:39
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, barely skimmed the surface.
1:42
[SPEAKER_00]: And, you know, in general, we, like, the views were really great, like on the videos, and everything, like, you could tell people were super interested.
1:51
[SPEAKER_00]: some crazy comments over on YouTube, which is new for you to be over on YouTube and have it to shorts.
1:57
[SPEAKER_00]: But the shorts were like going pretty viral.
2:01
[SPEAKER_00]: And this person commented, I don't remember, I sent you the screenshot.
2:06
[SPEAKER_00]: And they said, I don't feel sorry for women all women or losers.
2:12
[SPEAKER_00]: And it was like, where does that even come from?
2:14
[SPEAKER_00]: I, number one, I never asked you if you feel sorry for me, I don't feel sorry for myself.
2:20
[SPEAKER_00]: I know, it's like, boo, who hurt you?
2:22
[SPEAKER_00]: As a mom of three boys, it's really hard to realize that there's men out there that don't respect women.
2:32
[SPEAKER_01]: There's a lot, you know, there's a lot and they got they really got burned.
2:36
[SPEAKER_01]: I just, I just always, I'm always fascinated by the feedback that we get in that, you know, some men take the time to stop and say that and yes, you guys make sure for that to even say that in the beginning that this is now on YouTube so you can watch our videos too.
2:51
[SPEAKER_01]: So if you're listening on like iTunes or Apple or Amazon or whatever you can go over and watch the clips on there too.
2:59
[SPEAKER_01]: but it's just, it's just sad, you know, and hurt people, you know, saying hurt people hurt people.
3:04
[SPEAKER_01]: And he's hurt trying to hurt other people, but I had a couple people.
3:09
[SPEAKER_01]: I think I texted you right away.
3:11
[SPEAKER_01]: It come up to me in the gym.
3:13
[SPEAKER_01]: Oh, that happens every now and then people are like, are you Melissa?
3:18
[SPEAKER_01]: Yes, I am.
3:19
[SPEAKER_01]: They're like, oh my god, the bottom of my podcast.
3:22
[SPEAKER_01]: I love the show and two guys it was meant.
3:25
[SPEAKER_01]: Head come up to me and they were like, I love that show with you in Jen.
3:29
[SPEAKER_01]: I start following her and he was just like, it was just real.
3:32
[SPEAKER_01]: You know, some of the stuff was hard to hear is like, but it was real.
3:35
[SPEAKER_01]: I just love the podcast.
3:37
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, it's so cool to have men and, you know, and to reiterate, we're not here to bash men at all.
3:44
[SPEAKER_00]: We just unfortunately have had some experiences with men as men have had experiences with women, right?
3:51
[SPEAKER_00]: Right.
3:52
[SPEAKER_00]: But it's really cool to get, like, gain that aspect.
3:56
[SPEAKER_00]: You know, I mean, as far as like personal friends and stuff, there's quite a bit of feedback, you know, there for men, like I said that were just kind of
4:06
[SPEAKER_00]: taken it back by the story, and then there's other, it was just like, wow, that was really good.
4:10
[SPEAKER_00]: And that are, you know, our back and forest was really good.
4:13
[SPEAKER_00]: And it's like, well, yeah, we've had these conversations for three years.
4:17
[SPEAKER_00]: I don't know.
4:18
[SPEAKER_00]: This is, you know, like, yeah.
4:20
[SPEAKER_00]: So this is very natural for us to have these conversations with each other about these topics.
4:26
[SPEAKER_00]: Right.
4:26
[SPEAKER_01]: And I don't mean to like, keep sounding like we're like,
4:31
[SPEAKER_01]: I don't know, keeping something, but we both have like really personal stories that we will share.
4:36
[SPEAKER_01]: We want to share, but we have to ease into it and, you know, for us to even come on a mic and talk about our experiences, it's, it's tough.
4:46
[SPEAKER_01]: It's not easy.
4:48
[SPEAKER_01]: And Jen has encouraged me to use this platform to keep talking because, you know, the shitty stuff that I've been through,
4:58
[SPEAKER_01]: have positive, I guess, come out of that is for us to grow from it and to just get better but then also to be able to help others.
5:08
[SPEAKER_01]: And so someone had sent me a DM and it said, like, well, why aren't you going to share your story?
5:12
[SPEAKER_01]: You know, you keep talking like, what happened to you and they're very sweet about it.
5:15
[SPEAKER_01]: And I'm like, within time, you know, like do time, like it'll it'll come out, but we just both.
5:21
[SPEAKER_01]: just want to share our experiences more and just have conversation on here and then in a couple episodes, well I'm sure you and I will both feel more comfortable opening up.
5:31
[SPEAKER_00]: Right and it has to be very natural.
5:34
[SPEAKER_00]: You know, it has to just kind of come out natural.
5:36
[SPEAKER_00]: Who knows, maybe one day will be recording and it will just feel like the right time and totally be on the plan and that's really, podcast is about is being unfiltered and not really fully planning exactly what we're
5:50
[SPEAKER_00]: But yes, I've always encouraged you because I know for myself, you know, when I've shared my story was women that I worked with and, you know, my groups and things in the past with my social media training and stuff and they would be like, wow, you know, you encouraged me to leave this abusive relationship or it just you connect with them in a different way and people seem to forget that social
6:20
[SPEAKER_00]: And connecting with people and working with people, and so they won't just see you, the fitness person, they'll see you, and what you've been through, and that makes it an even better, I guess, story when you can see Melissa and the gym every day.
6:39
[SPEAKER_00]: You know, I mean, when this happened to you, I think you only missed like one or two days if that and it was really more so because you were handling a lot of things and with how the car and You know, stuff of that nature so it was it wasn't even, you know, the fact of not being able to be there fully, but it was
7:02
[SPEAKER_01]: you know so it's it's that's when it comes down to the noxcuses and kind of you know the lies we tell ourselves and right what we're eating talk about oh the lies oh lies lies lies and it's well dive into this but it's so funny because when Jenna and I were like coming up but with like what are we gonna talk about what's gonna be our main focus and stuff and I was like
7:27
[SPEAKER_01]: And then we just justify and write this whole story.
7:30
[SPEAKER_01]: So we make sure we fully believe it.
7:32
[SPEAKER_01]: And then we take the time to convince others of why our story is real and our justification for everything.
7:40
[SPEAKER_01]: And that was like, that was such a hard really these last two weeks have been really tough with me.
7:46
[SPEAKER_01]: I don't know if it's just the season with it now shifting into summer and kids are home schedules change the weather.
7:55
[SPEAKER_01]: big shifting time of the year for people that summer transition is hard.
8:01
[SPEAKER_01]: So I don't know if I'm seeing that more in my clients or what, but man, the way people will spend literally, because they got like a 30 minute coaching call with me with that with.
8:12
[SPEAKER_01]: My one-on-one clients and the other day this person was on with me and literally spent almost their entire time Just justify why they can't add one more thing to their plate and why this isn't why they can't do it.
8:26
[SPEAKER_01]: Why nothing else can give no no And I'm like, I just sat there and I'm like, do you hear yourself right now?
8:32
[SPEAKER_01]: Like just pause and listen to what you're telling yourself and you can keep going on and on and on but I will never believe what you're telling me right now
8:42
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, I mean, that's just to say that it's not important to say that it's not important because that's literally what you're saying without saying it.
8:51
[SPEAKER_00]: You're just saying it's not important because if it was important, you would pivot.
8:55
[SPEAKER_00]: We would find out other things.
8:56
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, normally Thursday morning, I go for a walk.
8:59
[SPEAKER_00]: I go to the gym.
9:00
[SPEAKER_00]: You know, but I'm here recording this podcast and I have to pivot.
9:04
[SPEAKER_00]: It'll get done after.
9:06
[SPEAKER_00]: You know, it'll be an evening walk.
9:08
[SPEAKER_00]: It'll be gym a little bit later
9:12
[SPEAKER_00]: have to move things around.
9:13
[SPEAKER_00]: You have to make yourself a priority.
9:15
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah.
9:16
[SPEAKER_01]: And I get it.
9:16
[SPEAKER_01]: Like, I get, you know, the people that I work with are extremely high cheating.
9:20
[SPEAKER_01]: Like, I work with someone, yeah, the OBGYN lawyer, they own their own practice on like therapy counseling sessions.
9:27
[SPEAKER_01]: CEO is like, these people are busy.
9:29
[SPEAKER_01]: So when they say like, I have no time, if you write their schedule, yeah, you would probably think there was no time.
9:35
[SPEAKER_01]: I totally get it.
9:37
[SPEAKER_01]: But again, like you said, like,
9:41
[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, when we have seen this creep up in relationships too, it's so weird because I look back on situations in my relationship where this person was lying to me and it's like I had that gut instinct and I knew, but I was like, well, and I would like write these stories and and then looking back on who I was then I realized that like,
10:08
[SPEAKER_01]: myself love and my value.
10:10
[SPEAKER_01]: It was not where it needed to be to step up and be like, hey, no, you don't deserve this.
10:16
[SPEAKER_01]: Hold on, Melissa, you you're fucking better than that.
10:19
[SPEAKER_01]: Like you don't deserve this bullshit that he's feeding you right now.
10:22
[SPEAKER_01]: And I was not prioritizing myself in the way that I needed to.
10:25
[SPEAKER_01]: And the way the version Melissa now.
10:28
[SPEAKER_01]: would behave if I was in that same situation.
10:30
[SPEAKER_01]: It's just, it's crazy because it's the same thing that you own yourself going to the gym, making time like, what do you hold sacred?
10:37
[SPEAKER_01]: I didn't hold those things sacred in my relationship and I let people lie to me.
10:43
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, you know, dating is so low on my priority list right now.
10:47
[SPEAKER_00]: It's why I'm single.
10:49
[SPEAKER_00]: I would rather go to the gym.
10:51
[SPEAKER_00]: You know, I would rather meditate.
10:54
[SPEAKER_00]: Go for a walk.
10:55
[SPEAKER_01]: Are you seeing that trend on social media too, right now?
10:59
[SPEAKER_01]: I don't know if I have to learn them or what, but like so many women are like, if you, you have got to be some fucking magical unicorn to come in here and disrupt my peace.
11:09
[SPEAKER_00]: Oh yeah, and it's just learning from the past, like learning from those past mistakes and realizing how you put somebody
11:19
[SPEAKER_00]: who really ultimately didn't give a shit about you at the end of the day, it wasn't putting you at the forefront of their life, and ultimately for me destroyed me, you know, I'm so well, yeah.
11:33
[SPEAKER_00]: And, and I, wow, I mean, I was so, so just like,
11:41
[SPEAKER_00]: didn't know how to even take care of myself and because I was so busy taking care of you know kids and family and the relationship and I was so worried about the relationship.
11:52
[SPEAKER_00]: Like I don't know if you remember when you were going through some stuff with your last relationship that you need to share more about eventually and you were just kind of spiraling and I was like you have to take that and put it on a shelf.
12:06
[SPEAKER_00]: you have to take what's going on right now you have to put it on the shelf and tell yourself I'm going to come back to it later because if you don't you'll get nothing done you'll just keep spiraling yeah and you won't get anything done and and for me I put things on the shelf in the way of men and it's literally just it stays on yourself
12:31
[SPEAKER_00]: You know, I, I just, I don't know.
12:34
[SPEAKER_00]: I mean, there's, yeah, I go on dates and I, and I, you know, see, you know, a couple people and there's somebody that I, that I like, but it's just how now do I work this back into into my life, this relationship and.
12:54
[SPEAKER_00]: do I even want to, you know, for me, I'm like, oh well, I'm willing to give up like one day a week, you know, and the man's like, oh, well, you know, he wants to be with me every day or talk all day.
13:08
[SPEAKER_00]: And I'm just so not,
13:11
[SPEAKER_00]: like this cleanly person.
13:12
[SPEAKER_00]: I never really have been, but I'm definitely not now.
13:16
[SPEAKER_00]: I think I definitely went to a little bit more of an avoidant.
13:20
[SPEAKER_00]: You need to come back this way.
13:22
[SPEAKER_00]: But a guy said something really interesting on my page yesterday and he said that he loves single women that are happy single because they're not clean.
13:32
[SPEAKER_00]: And I thought that was really interesting, you know, because, but then I am unfortunately fine men that are clingy.
13:40
[SPEAKER_00]: And, and so it's trying to find somebody that can, you can find that balance with of that being loyal to each other, even though you're not seeing each other all the time or liberator the same roof.
13:53
[SPEAKER_00]: And, and they have their life and you have your lives.
13:56
[SPEAKER_00]: And, and there's a lot of people that don't
14:00
[SPEAKER_00]: know how to navigate that.
14:02
[SPEAKER_00]: And so they end up telling you that, oh, you're, you know, oh, you're broken or you need to heal.
14:09
[SPEAKER_00]: And it's like, no, actually, I'm not broken anymore.
14:12
[SPEAKER_00]: And the fact that I am healed is the reason why I don't need to be with you all of the time.
14:18
[SPEAKER_01]: Right.
14:19
[SPEAKER_00]: Why I don't need to talk to you all of the time.
14:22
[SPEAKER_00]: Why I can have my own life and let you have your own life.
14:26
[SPEAKER_01]: Right.
14:27
[SPEAKER_00]: So it's yeah, it's just finding that that balance, but it's definitely becoming very popular and I think that's why there's so many men that are angry is because probably we don't we don't need them and they're just like what you know like we talked about last time and the previous episode it's
14:48
[SPEAKER_00]: It's just really weird transition, I think, that's happening with women being able to pay their own bills and support themselves.
14:57
[SPEAKER_00]: And you've heard the term crack, right?
15:00
[SPEAKER_00]: Like cracking, like cracking, like insects, like fucking, and they're so I've got to go get cracked.
15:06
[SPEAKER_00]: I just got cracked last night, right?
15:10
[SPEAKER_00]: And I'm over here, like, I cracked myself.
15:13
[SPEAKER_01]: You know, like, because I don't
15:18
[SPEAKER_00]: I don't need that right, you know, like I don't need that because for me to get ready and have somebody come over or go to their house, okay, let's just like do the timeline here.
15:30
[SPEAKER_00]: I've got to get all of my work done.
15:32
[SPEAKER_00]: I've had to have gone to the gym.
15:33
[SPEAKER_00]: I've had to be in.
15:35
[SPEAKER_00]: Then I've got to go get ready, wash my hair, shave, make up, find clothes, you know.
15:42
[SPEAKER_01]: it's a lot for us.
15:44
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, a two hour process and then that person's coming over to my house and then, you know, we get together.
15:52
[SPEAKER_00]: We do our thing.
15:53
[SPEAKER_00]: It lasts a couple of minutes and maybe I get off.
15:58
[SPEAKER_00]: Maybe I don't.
15:59
[SPEAKER_00]: and then even then it's like okay cool that was the cool two minutes and then okay maybe we might do that again and it might go for three minutes this time and then it's like okay puddles, snuggle, dudes passing out because you know you just gave him their sleeping pill
16:15
[SPEAKER_00]: You're sitting there wondering if you need to go crack yourself in the bathroom while they're asleep because you didn't get yours and then it's like, okay, you've got to go now.
16:24
[SPEAKER_00]: Right.
16:25
[SPEAKER_00]: So then they leave and then it's washing sheets washing yourself getting lack of sleep.
16:35
[SPEAKER_00]: I know, so it's just, you know, not at the end of the day for me.
16:40
[SPEAKER_00]: I'm like, I can literally just break out my rose, you know, the rose and in 32 seconds flat, I've cracked myself and I get to go to sleep and I don't have to fucking wash my seats.
16:52
[SPEAKER_00]: I don't have to get ready.
16:55
[SPEAKER_00]: It's just good.
16:57
[SPEAKER_01]: I like this.
16:58
[SPEAKER_01]: This is why I love you so much.
17:01
[SPEAKER_00]: guaranteed to come every time.
17:04
[SPEAKER_00]: Oh my god.
17:05
[SPEAKER_00]: Every time.
17:05
[SPEAKER_00]: Right?
17:06
[SPEAKER_00]: I mean, come on.
17:07
[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah.
17:07
[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah.
17:08
[SPEAKER_01]: No.
17:08
[SPEAKER_01]: I mean, everything that you said is like not.
17:12
[SPEAKER_00]: a true or not, but it brings up a good point though.
17:17
[SPEAKER_00]: Have you ever been cracking yourself right and you're like, man, I'm just not fully filling us today, but you don't give up.
17:24
[SPEAKER_00]: You get yourself there.
17:26
[SPEAKER_00]: Sometimes it takes a little longer than others.
17:28
[SPEAKER_00]: Why the fuck do we not do that was meant?
17:31
[SPEAKER_00]: Why the hell do we lie about?
17:33
[SPEAKER_00]: having an orgasm.
17:35
[SPEAKER_00]: The, yep, why do we do that?
17:37
[SPEAKER_01]: That is such a good point.
17:39
[SPEAKER_01]: And I think it's not talked about enough of why women lie.
17:46
[SPEAKER_01]: when it comes to orgasms.
17:48
[SPEAKER_01]: And I think that is a topic.
17:50
[SPEAKER_01]: I'm sure we've covered that before.
17:51
[SPEAKER_01]: We've had sex experts on before and therapists and stuff and it's gotten brought up.
17:55
[SPEAKER_01]: But like real life girl, so I'm a therapist.
17:58
[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah.
17:58
[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah.
17:59
[SPEAKER_01]: She was on this podcast, I believe.
18:02
[SPEAKER_01]: But the fact that women feel the need to even lie about something like this and so intimate.
18:10
[SPEAKER_01]: And I would love if we could be like a radio show and have people call in, you know,
18:16
[SPEAKER_01]: So, if I didn't want to, like, love flying, yeah, if anyone is lying and, like, faking their orgasm, please call it a 100 because it'll be you come.
18:25
[SPEAKER_01]: It'd be really interesting to see what kind of feedback we got.
18:28
[SPEAKER_01]: And I know there would be a lot of women calling in and saying that, yeah, you know, a couple times a week, I'm just faking it.
18:37
[SPEAKER_01]: And
18:38
[SPEAKER_01]: It is like the biggest lie to yourself.
18:41
[SPEAKER_01]: It's not showing you that you are worth it.
18:43
[SPEAKER_01]: It is lack of communication.
18:45
[SPEAKER_01]: It's making him think that he's doing something and he's good at something or my feeling or needs and he's not.
18:52
[SPEAKER_00]: So it, I mean, that's like really makes him think that he's a God to women.
18:58
[SPEAKER_00]: It's like unfortunately, yes, our body reacts in ways, you know, our vagina or pussy, whatever you want to call it, it obviously reacts right we get wet, we get excited, we get turned on, but for us to climax on average 21 minutes and there's like 60% of women that are not orgasming ever.
19:26
[SPEAKER_00]: ever.
19:27
[SPEAKER_00]: Yep.
19:29
[SPEAKER_00]: And it's just men need to slow down a tiny bit and do what they need to do to figure out what that person likes.
19:37
[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah.
19:37
[SPEAKER_00]: You're not just a body.
19:39
[SPEAKER_00]: But my point to that is men need to not treat women like a one size fits all.
19:46
[SPEAKER_00]: And
19:47
[SPEAKER_00]: My ex, the fuck boy, I swear he just probably has sex, the exact same with every single woman.
19:57
[SPEAKER_00]: Oh.
19:58
[SPEAKER_00]: And it makes you feel like he's trying to be in some porno or something, you know, like, okay, let's do this and then let's do this and let's do that.
20:05
[SPEAKER_00]: And I'm not gonna lie, like it was good in the beginning, years ago.
20:10
[SPEAKER_00]: It was new, it was giving me what I needed at that time.
20:16
[SPEAKER_00]: But then other things started ruining it, which we'll get to, but it's just it got to a point where I was lying pretty much all of the time about coming and I had to because his ego could not handle it.
20:35
[SPEAKER_00]: because yes, you do have to be careful about men's ego because if you don't, then they're going to have a problem.
20:40
[SPEAKER_00]: Right.
20:41
[SPEAKER_00]: So it's like this balance of trying to have this conversation with somebody that can actually accept what you're saying to just say, hey, right.
20:50
[SPEAKER_00]: There's outside influences that are coming into the bedroom that are keeping me from being able to be in the moment and to get there with like, it's not
21:00
[SPEAKER_00]: It wasn't as deck, it wasn't as skill set, it was all these outer-lying things.
21:08
[SPEAKER_00]: And then it was just, it didn't feel like he was present with me, because it just felt like this act, it became something that just felt like this act, that he did everybody.
21:19
[SPEAKER_00]: And so then when I did try to discuss with him, that, because I did try a couple of times.
21:30
[SPEAKER_00]: Did you tell him?
21:31
[SPEAKER_01]: Did you tell him that you're thinking?
21:32
[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, I told him.
21:33
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, I did.
21:34
[SPEAKER_00]: I said, you know, I've actually been faking.
21:37
[SPEAKER_00]: And it's really hard for me, you know?
21:39
[SPEAKER_00]: And it was crazy because he asked me straight out, well, how often are you faking it?
21:45
[SPEAKER_00]: And I'm like, was your dick penetration all the time?
21:50
[SPEAKER_00]: It was years.
21:51
[SPEAKER_00]: It's been like years now.
21:54
[SPEAKER_00]: Oral may be half the time.
21:56
[SPEAKER_00]: How did he handle it?
21:58
[SPEAKER_00]: not well.
21:59
[SPEAKER_00]: Because he compared this to my ex husband, I got off every time, like no problem.
22:07
[SPEAKER_00]: Because his dick was literally a magic stick.
22:10
[SPEAKER_00]: You know, it was just like perfect.
22:13
[SPEAKER_00]: It just some people just did just different.
22:15
[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, it is.
22:17
[SPEAKER_01]: What was the reason?
22:19
[SPEAKER_01]: Like the main reason why you were faking during those times?
22:24
[SPEAKER_01]: This is the part where I think I didn't want to know and women want to be able to relate, right?
22:29
[SPEAKER_00]: Because I was afraid it was going to hurt his feelings.
22:32
[SPEAKER_00]: I was afraid he was going to compare himself to other if you were like in the moment and you said something you thought you're going to hurt his feelings or like I never did it in the moment but I just would get it felt like he pulled all this pressure on me that I needed to have an orgasm.
22:49
[SPEAKER_00]: You know, wasn't for him lack of trying.
22:51
[SPEAKER_00]: I can say that, but then the more I felt like he was putting this pressure on me, the more I was like, this is never going to have nothing.
22:59
[SPEAKER_00]: Why didn't you say anything in that moment?
23:01
[SPEAKER_00]: I just in that moment, I was like, can like stop it.
23:06
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, just just pretend to be done with it.
23:09
[SPEAKER_00]: Like at that point, I was so far like just feeling alone in it, right?
23:14
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah.
23:16
[SPEAKER_00]: So when I did talk to him, he, like I said initially, it was pretty understanding, like, okay, let's try this or try that.
23:23
[SPEAKER_00]: Tell me what you need.
23:25
[SPEAKER_00]: Dada, da, da, da.
23:29
[SPEAKER_00]: from there on, it's still just like really didn't work.
23:33
[SPEAKER_00]: So then I got to this point where like after the fact he would be like, did you come, did you fake it, what's going on?
23:41
[SPEAKER_00]: And then he would get really angry at me and be like, some other women haven't had any problems.
23:47
[SPEAKER_01]: Right, you're the problem.
23:48
[SPEAKER_01]: I've never had a problem before.
23:51
[SPEAKER_00]: Right, I was comparing him.
23:54
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, and I wasn't comparing him to my ex at all.
23:57
[SPEAKER_00]: He just knew that, you know, we had those conversations because he's just this guy that wanted to know everything about everybody is very, I don't know, competitive or insecure.
24:10
[SPEAKER_01]: I say insecure if you're sitting there seeking out you didn't know like everything to be like able to compare and have details with like whatever.
24:17
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah.
24:18
[SPEAKER_00]: So then he started making me feel bad like, oh, there's all these women that were able to be with him and get off.
24:27
[SPEAKER_00]: And so then I didn't want to say anything to him because I'm like, he's just going to start fucking other women, which he was doing anyways all along, but that's another story.
24:40
[SPEAKER_00]: It's just, so I didn't tell him for multitude of reasons, but for him to put me down and say that all these other women got off.
24:49
[SPEAKER_01]: That's fucking fun.
24:50
[SPEAKER_00]: So then that's, yeah, it's really low, but then that's what made me stop and be like, you know what?
24:55
[SPEAKER_00]: I bet the fuck they, they didn't.
24:57
[SPEAKER_00]: I bet they were lying too.
25:00
[SPEAKER_01]: Yep.
25:01
[SPEAKER_00]: Because he clearly can't tell what an orgasm is and what it isn't, right?
25:08
[SPEAKER_00]: My deeps that he just does these things, like this, poke this, or stuff, kiss this, like we're just this machine, like this put in this code and then it's going to spit out an orgasm.
25:23
[SPEAKER_01]: And it's just like, no, I can't relate to this.
25:27
[SPEAKER_01]: I can honestly say I have never faked it, not once, not in my marriage, not with anyone else.
25:34
[SPEAKER_01]: Like, if I just wasn't gonna get there, I just didn't get there.
25:37
[SPEAKER_01]: Like, and that was like a choice.
25:39
[SPEAKER_01]: I never, I've never faked it.
25:41
[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, yeah, not saying I've never had sex and not and have an orgasm every time.
25:47
[SPEAKER_01]: I'm saying I've never faked one.
25:49
[SPEAKER_00]: Never done that before,
25:53
[SPEAKER_00]: You know, in my two prior relationships that were serious like I never did that with them.
26:01
[SPEAKER_00]: I never felt like I had to.
26:03
[SPEAKER_00]: Well, my ex has been the Russian.
26:06
[SPEAKER_00]: I never had a problem, right, but that wasn't a him thing.
26:13
[SPEAKER_00]: meaning he didn't make me come, I made myself come, right?
26:17
[SPEAKER_00]: I would ride him and I could get off on a stick like, right, like, I'm cracking myself.
26:22
[SPEAKER_00]: That's all it was, right?
26:24
[SPEAKER_00]: You know, I was using his dick.
26:25
[SPEAKER_00]: That is the solution.
26:27
[SPEAKER_00]: So it was a little bit different, but I couldn't do that with fuck boy.
26:31
[SPEAKER_00]: Like, I don't know.
26:32
[SPEAKER_00]: It was just,
26:33
[SPEAKER_00]: As soon as I get on top of him, it was just like this pressure, you know, like, okay, she's going to come, like, you know, like, you mentioned though that he was having sex with other women.
26:47
[SPEAKER_01]: You found out that a lot of shit was going on.
26:50
[SPEAKER_01]: He was lying to you and you were believing the lies.
26:53
[SPEAKER_01]: You can't tell me that mentally you didn't know somewhere in your gut, and that affected you mentally while you were having sex with this guy.
27:03
[SPEAKER_01]: As a woman, you know, you just, you can't separate those things.
27:06
[SPEAKER_01]: Like if you know something is truly going on or if you have fears and worries in this relationship or whatever, that's 100% going to impact whether or not you can orgasm.
27:18
[SPEAKER_01]: I mean, we have had so many experts come on and talk about that and how that.
27:23
[SPEAKER_01]: is such a huge part of the experience too.
27:28
[SPEAKER_01]: So I've got to imagine that all that all played a role for you as well.
27:31
[SPEAKER_01]: Like you knew how many other women he had been with.
27:38
[SPEAKER_00]: I started learning all kinds of things.
27:41
[SPEAKER_00]: You know, as somebody that's got a body count, you know, that just barely approached double digits, you know?
27:47
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah.
27:48
[SPEAKER_00]: It was like,
27:50
[SPEAKER_00]: Holy hell, like this person's been with that many people in a month's time sometimes.
27:57
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, that's not what he sold to me, you know, quote unquote sold to me, you know, what we met, not at all.
28:05
[SPEAKER_00]: That's not at all what he sold me that he was and that he was looking for.
28:11
[SPEAKER_00]: Right.
28:12
[SPEAKER_00]: So I had never, I can honestly say that my first two husbands, I don't every call them fully like lying to me.
28:20
[SPEAKER_00]: There is some things towards the end of my first relationship.
28:23
[SPEAKER_00]: I'm not going to talk about that, but
28:26
[SPEAKER_00]: I have to say that the Russian, he was that narcissist that was just, I don't, I don't need a lie.
28:34
[SPEAKER_00]: Like I will just fucking tell you everything.
28:36
[SPEAKER_00]: All right, give it shit, right?
28:38
[SPEAKER_00]: I will tell you, like he didn't need to manipulate lie because he just didn't care care.
28:45
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah.
28:46
[SPEAKER_00]: So upon meeting Fuckboy, I just couldn't believe that there was an adult man, he was like 41 at the time, and that would need to lie about these things, that we need to get validation constantly from so many women, person, social media.
29:11
[SPEAKER_00]: whatever in his phone like I had no idea he told me oh I'm from this great Greek family that was married they were married forever you know they were each other soulmates blah blah blah blah I want that I want to grow old with somebody I want to get married yada yada yada we're in it on thick sold me the dream and then it was like within
29:35
[SPEAKER_00]: like a couple of weeks I was already catching him in lies and I was just like no way.
29:42
[SPEAKER_00]: No way, no way.
29:45
[SPEAKER_01]: Isn't it crazy how when we look back on it too, we can see how soon the red flags started coming up and how soon the lies actually started?
29:55
[SPEAKER_01]: Oh yeah, like I can remember my ex got I know exactly where I was living I know the age of like the kids like I know how deep we were into the relationship and I'll never forget.
30:09
[SPEAKER_01]: He came in one day and was just acting weird like he went outside and then came in and he was just acting different and he just kept touching his face and like rubbing his nose and stuff and I was like Did you just go take something did you just vape something or whatever and I'm like completely against vaping so anyone listening if you fucking vape I think it's just loser behavior I'd say that yeah grow and so he they've done I was like
30:33
[SPEAKER_01]: Like, did you just do that or, you know, like, I thought you were quitting and like, well, it's going on and that's it up and he's like, no, no, and he wanted to take the kids somewhere in his car and he was just kind of like, I could just tell and that man to war up and down that he didn't take anything and then it was all in my head and I'm like, but I know you and I know you're behavior and this is not normal.
30:58
[SPEAKER_01]: And then I was just the crazy one, and that was like, man, no, I know he fucking took something.
31:04
[SPEAKER_01]: Years later, you know, years, years later, I get a phone call or a tech, I think I got a text, like honestly, not that long ago, and he was telling me, basically, that he was undrugs the whole time we were together, our whole relationship.
31:18
[SPEAKER_01]: I can't remember the name of it.
31:18
[SPEAKER_01]: Do you remember what I told you?
31:20
[SPEAKER_01]: It's like you can get the shit, I'm not talking like he was on cracker, math or anything.
31:24
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah.
31:28
[SPEAKER_01]: You can get it at gas station and smoke shop.
31:30
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, it's it's basically like a knock off weed or something.
31:33
[SPEAKER_00]: Isn't that it's like using to replace your products, too?
31:37
[SPEAKER_00]: Okay.
31:38
[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah.
31:38
[SPEAKER_01]: I think of the name.
31:39
[SPEAKER_01]: I'm I know someone screaming at it.
31:41
[SPEAKER_01]: They're, you know, oh, I know, radio, but.
31:44
[SPEAKER_01]: Um, you can get very addicted to it.
31:46
[SPEAKER_01]: And I guess there's a lot of rehab centers that are just filling up with it right now.
31:49
[SPEAKER_01]: But he was on it and heavy, heavy dose, and it would definitely impact him.
31:54
[SPEAKER_01]: And I don't know all the reasons in the details.
31:56
[SPEAKER_01]: I didn't even care.
31:57
[SPEAKER_01]: Like when he called and told me, yeah, he was just telling me as part of like his healing steps journey process.
32:03
[SPEAKER_01]: Whatever recovery.
32:05
[SPEAKER_01]: Thank you.
32:06
[SPEAKER_01]: And then at that point, I'm just like,
32:08
[SPEAKER_01]: I fucking knew it, but I don't even care anymore.
32:11
[SPEAKER_01]: Like whatever, that doesn't impact me the here or the now, whatever, you're gone anyways.
32:15
[SPEAKER_01]: But my whole point is like, I saw that in the beginning and I didn't stick to it.
32:21
[SPEAKER_01]: I believed the lie and then, you know, when you find out something like that, it's like, what else have you been lying about?
32:28
[SPEAKER_01]: What else were you not honest with me about?
32:30
[SPEAKER_01]: And if someone's lying about one thing, you can guarantee,
32:34
[SPEAKER_01]: there and why and about other things too.
32:36
[SPEAKER_00]: Oh, yeah, and it's like catching them in the little lies.
32:38
[SPEAKER_00]: So it's like when it's little lies, they say, oh, you know, it's going to be big lies, right?
32:44
[SPEAKER_00]: So it's just, I don't know, it's so crazy.
32:48
[SPEAKER_00]: You do, because you tell yourself, you know, I would tell myself, it's a fuck boy, like, okay, will he light about this?
32:54
[SPEAKER_00]: And I found out this, but I love him, and he's so good with this, and he's so good with that, and there's the justification.
33:03
[SPEAKER_00]: you know, he doesn't drink or he doesn't do drugs.
33:07
[SPEAKER_00]: So he can't be that odd.
33:09
[SPEAKER_00]: He doesn't hit me.
33:10
[SPEAKER_01]: He doesn't.
33:11
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, he did that.
33:13
[SPEAKER_00]: Right.
33:13
[SPEAKER_00]: He wasn't.
33:14
[SPEAKER_00]: No, but it's so crazy.
33:16
[SPEAKER_00]: He didn't need to be physically abusive to me to completely destroy me in the way that I looked at men for a very long time and right didn't trust men.
33:28
[SPEAKER_00]: Still, you know, I mean, I will say that
33:32
[SPEAKER_00]: I will never say I'm grateful that that happened.
33:36
[SPEAKER_00]: He is absolutely my biggest regret in life.
33:40
[SPEAKER_01]: I know what you mean, but if you wouldn't be who you are today without that.
33:45
[SPEAKER_01]: Right, like right.
33:46
[SPEAKER_01]: I know what you mean.
33:47
[SPEAKER_00]: I completely regret a lot of choices that I made, but then it's like there's a lot of things that I can look back in my life and be like I wish I wouldn't have done that or I wish I would have taken a different path.
33:58
[SPEAKER_00]: I would have known different.
33:59
[SPEAKER_00]: Sure.
34:00
[SPEAKER_00]: Right.
34:01
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, but I didn't regret them because I had children from that or career from that or whatever, but I can honestly say.
34:12
[SPEAKER_00]: that with him, I'm not, okay, I don't even think it was him that forced me down that healing path.
34:21
[SPEAKER_00]: I think it was the loss of my first husband, you know, um,
34:27
[SPEAKER_00]: when that happened, which I'm not going to dive totally into, but when he passed that was such a hit to the system and to me and my kids that it forced me to level up in my life or myself and for my kids because there was no fallback anymore.
34:51
[SPEAKER_00]: There was no other parent.
34:53
[SPEAKER_00]: There was nobody else.
34:55
[SPEAKER_00]: And I couldn't go down those dark rabbit holes that I had been going down with my mental health for years off and on and that I was allowing myself to go down it's like it had to stop.
35:12
[SPEAKER_00]: So I do feel like that was a way bigger impact and transition in my life.
35:19
[SPEAKER_00]: I'm not quite sure.
35:22
[SPEAKER_00]: I mean, I think if anything, fuck boy, more so was the red flags, like actually being able to see the red flags.
35:29
[SPEAKER_00]: Like I can literally have a list now of things that I will not accept in a relationship.
35:35
[SPEAKER_00]: We'll even do that on a date with, right?
35:38
[SPEAKER_00]: that I was like, oh my gosh, you know, like his social media.
35:42
[SPEAKER_00]: If I were to meet him today, and that sounds hypocritical, and I'll address that in a second.
35:46
[SPEAKER_00]: But if I were to meet him today, who he is now, I would literally not give this man a second glance or time of day.
35:56
[SPEAKER_00]: And why say I judge him based on his social media?
36:01
[SPEAKER_00]: And that sounds hypocritical because I have 11,000 followers that are majority like 80 something percent men.
36:07
[SPEAKER_00]: I carry myself in a different way.
36:10
[SPEAKER_00]: And I'm not doing it for attention.
36:12
[SPEAKER_00]: This is genuinely my career.
36:15
[SPEAKER_00]: This is what I do.
36:16
[SPEAKER_00]: I network, I meet people.
36:19
[SPEAKER_00]: I engage with people, I don't answer my DMs, ask all the guys in my DMs.
36:24
[SPEAKER_00]: They, I might answer 1% of my DMs that come through.
36:28
[SPEAKER_00]: I'm not there for that attention.
36:32
[SPEAKER_00]: I'm not, you know, people can judge me and say that I am.
36:35
[SPEAKER_00]: It's the same thing with you.
36:37
[SPEAKER_00]: You know, oh, look, she's working out in her, you know, little short shorts and her sports prom.
36:41
[SPEAKER_00]: Whatever, and it's like no bitch.
36:42
[SPEAKER_00]: I'm just at the gym and it's hot.
36:45
[SPEAKER_00]: I think this is what I do, right?
36:47
[SPEAKER_00]: he has nothing to gain from social media other than validation from women and that's all that he's doing.
36:56
[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah.
36:57
[SPEAKER_00]: And he shifts.
36:58
[SPEAKER_00]: He's like a chameleon.
37:00
[SPEAKER_00]: Why he post about is based on who he's talking about.
37:04
[SPEAKER_00]: So if she's like this
37:06
[SPEAKER_00]: universe girl or she's like this that's interest bitton sports or she's so not interested in horse gobs or like right he mirrors you and so I like to look at a band social media and obviously I don't judge him too much on their following because again that would be hypocritical but it is the type of following.
37:28
[SPEAKER_00]: is how they're engaging with them.
37:30
[SPEAKER_00]: It's, are they engaging on their pages well and doing all of those things?
37:35
[SPEAKER_00]: Like, there's a lot of things that I can see.
37:38
[SPEAKER_00]: Is there consistency in how they behave?
37:41
[SPEAKER_00]: How many selfies are they putting up?
37:43
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah.
37:43
[SPEAKER_00]: And it all goes back to the light.
37:46
[SPEAKER_00]: Like,
37:49
[SPEAKER_01]: And just this line deceptive way, and it's not, it's not the truth.
37:55
[SPEAKER_01]: No, no.
37:57
[SPEAKER_01]: No, and he says he does it to motivate people, and it's like, bullshit, you don't do it to motivate anybody.
38:03
[SPEAKER_01]: You only know this because you know the actual truth.
38:06
[SPEAKER_01]: Think of how many people see all his shit, and they're just like, oh my god, you're so motivated.
38:11
[SPEAKER_00]: He's such a great guy.
38:12
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah.
38:12
[SPEAKER_00]: Exactly.
38:13
[SPEAKER_00]: And that's why I don't trust social media.
38:15
[SPEAKER_00]: That's why I don't trust a lot of people as social media because
38:19
[SPEAKER_00]: You know, this guy looks like he's got his shit together.
38:22
[SPEAKER_00]: He looks like a good guy that understands women and it's scary.
38:25
[SPEAKER_00]: Like women if you're listening to this, like, and men don't do this, he goes in, like, ask questions about, like, certain things.
38:34
[SPEAKER_00]: And I'm trying to think of something and I can't think about it right now.
38:37
[SPEAKER_00]: But like, oh, like, women, do you like flat bill hats?
38:42
[SPEAKER_00]: or do you like curved hats or women?
38:46
[SPEAKER_00]: Would you date a guy that only made $50,000 a year?
38:51
[SPEAKER_00]: Why?
38:52
[SPEAKER_00]: Like he's literally taking notes, he's like gaining information so that he can lie and manipulate it.
39:01
[SPEAKER_01]: You, right?
39:02
[SPEAKER_01]: It's crazy.
39:03
[SPEAKER_00]: It's wild, like he,
39:07
[SPEAKER_00]: He's not at all who he portrays himself and most people aren't, you know, and back in the day, we couldn't get away with this.
39:14
[SPEAKER_01]: Like we didn't have social media and shit growing up, the person that you met and that you saw and that you fell in love with was that person.
39:24
[SPEAKER_01]: And now it's insane how you can meet someone based on the internet and social media and everything.
39:32
[SPEAKER_00]: And yeah, well, yeah, like, you know, like I said, she lied about what he was looking for.
39:37
[SPEAKER_00]: He lied about his morals.
39:39
[SPEAKER_00]: He lied about how long he lived in his mom's basement, which we discussed last time.
39:44
[SPEAKER_00]: He lied about, you know, how long he's had his job.
39:47
[SPEAKER_00]: He lied about all these women were just his friends.
39:54
[SPEAKER_00]: all his exes were crazy, all his exes cheated on him.
40:00
[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah.
40:01
[SPEAKER_00]: And then it came out later that no literally he was the one always lying.
40:07
[SPEAKER_00]: He was the one always cheating.
40:10
[SPEAKER_00]: He can't hold down the job.
40:12
[SPEAKER_00]: He doesn't have all of these things.
40:15
[SPEAKER_00]: But by this time, it was like, and it's embarrassing to talk about this.
40:19
[SPEAKER_00]: It's like, oh no, what the hell's wrong with you that you were with this fake ass loser that lived in his parents' basement?
40:26
[SPEAKER_00]: Can you not hold a job, have you shitty car, and then couldn't even get you off in the bedroom seriously he couldn't even fucking crack you right what the fuck is wrong with you yeah honestly I can't even tell you like what is wrong with me
40:44
[SPEAKER_00]: in that moment.
40:45
[SPEAKER_00]: Like, other than the fact that I was so scared to be, yeah, long ago.
40:50
[SPEAKER_00]: So he would lie a manipulate.
40:54
[SPEAKER_00]: Oh, yeah, this goes way back to childhood shit that thank God.
40:57
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, I've worked on for the last four years, heavily.
41:02
[SPEAKER_00]: And that's why I know I'll never be with somebody like that again, but it does suck that for both men and women that the lies and the red flags is the reason why a lot of us are single because we don't trust.
41:20
[SPEAKER_00]: And I know people rely anywhere.
41:21
[SPEAKER_00]: It doesn't matter if it's social media.
41:22
[SPEAKER_00]: It doesn't matter if I meet a guy in the gym.
41:24
[SPEAKER_00]: He could be lying to me, right?
41:26
[SPEAKER_00]: But there's a different energy when it's in person versus online from me at least.
41:32
[SPEAKER_00]: I get somebody's vibe and just kind of wear their app.
41:35
[SPEAKER_00]: But I know that it sounds like I was just an idiot.
41:43
[SPEAKER_00]: And it is embarrassing because of that because it's like, oh my gosh, you know, you're this.
41:49
[SPEAKER_00]: I know.
41:49
[SPEAKER_00]: I got successful person.
41:52
[SPEAKER_00]: How the hell did you fall for this loser?
41:55
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah.
41:56
[SPEAKER_01]: And, and now when you have to like tell the story to other people and you have to hear it like right now.
42:02
[SPEAKER_01]: I don't know what you're doing.
42:03
[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah.
42:03
[SPEAKER_01]: And you have to hear the words come out of your mouth of the choices that you made and what you allowed to happen and you're like,
42:12
[SPEAKER_01]: Oh my god how like when I think back like things that I allowed and I tolerated and then I accepted or a position I put myself in I'm like yeah, okay, I know now I shouldn't have done that or it sounds stupid but in the moment I'm like I had all of these I had I had a reason I had a reason to be there I had you know we have our own story, but when I I want people to hear all of this to be aware of the lies and to really just hit the takeaway is to like no
42:42
[SPEAKER_01]: You're gut.
42:43
[SPEAKER_01]: Listen to your gut.
42:45
[SPEAKER_01]: Know that you are not crazy, that if you feel something, you cannot ignore that.
42:52
[SPEAKER_01]: If you find, and I think lying about an orgasm believing the lies the other people tell you, that is a form of shrinking.
43:00
[SPEAKER_01]: It is a form of shrinking yourself and just being like, I'm just going to lie, I'm just going to say I came because I'm just going to get this done.
43:06
[SPEAKER_01]: I want it to be over with, and it's like,
43:09
[SPEAKER_01]: Dude, where did you just take your self-value in self-worth like you just threw it out the window like stop and pause and have a conversation around it and if he can't handle that then that's a whole other issue that you guys need to talk about or maybe he's not the person for you, but we're reading this book right now in my group, it's called.
43:26
[SPEAKER_01]: Oh my god, I couldn't remember yesterday.
43:28
[SPEAKER_01]: The mountain is you and it's really good.
43:30
[SPEAKER_01]: And she talks about in the very beginning about like self sabotaging in our belief system.
43:36
[SPEAKER_01]: And she says like, what you believe about your life is what you will make true about your life.
43:43
[SPEAKER_01]: And God is was that I hate saying it and I hate thinking about that.
43:48
[SPEAKER_01]: It's hard for me to swallow.
43:51
[SPEAKER_01]: But it is, it's what you believe you deserve and the treatment that you deserve, you're going to make that true in your relationships.
44:00
[SPEAKER_01]: And she says like, be aware of outdated narratives, be aware of things that you still might believe and it's not true anymore.
44:08
[SPEAKER_01]: And myself worth and the kind of love and relationship that I thought I deserved.
44:15
[SPEAKER_01]: the low level.
44:16
[SPEAKER_01]: What I thought I deserved, I made that happen.
44:19
[SPEAKER_01]: I made that true about my life.
44:24
[SPEAKER_01]: And that fucking sucks.
44:26
[SPEAKER_01]: Like that, that was that's hard to look back on, but I don't regret that because I know it got me to wear them at today.
44:32
[SPEAKER_01]: I know, I know all the shitty things that I had to rebuild from and learn from.
44:38
[SPEAKER_01]: It's a lot of it was based around what I believed about my life then,
44:44
[SPEAKER_01]: It helped me grow to believe the life that I deserve now.
44:48
[SPEAKER_00]: Absolutely, and it's not good.
44:51
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, I think we tell ourselves that we don't deserve better.
44:56
[SPEAKER_00]: They can, you know, for me, at least he convinced me that I didn't deserve better basically.
45:02
[SPEAKER_00]: He wanted to degrade me in a way and take me down to his level so that I would do anything for him.
45:11
[SPEAKER_00]: And so it's about dismantling somebody.
45:15
[SPEAKER_00]: It's about breaking somebody.
45:17
[SPEAKER_00]: So they stay with you so that they believe you so that you're all they have.
45:24
[SPEAKER_00]: And that nobody else will want you and that you're not worthy of better.
45:31
[SPEAKER_00]: That I won't find better.
45:33
[SPEAKER_00]: He literally told me fuckboy literally told me that I would not find a better man than him that he is a good man.
45:40
[SPEAKER_00]: He still thinks he's a good man.
45:43
[SPEAKER_00]: And that I would not find better than that.
45:46
[SPEAKER_00]: But you brought up an interesting point.
45:48
[SPEAKER_00]: I don't know if you've ever heard this my therapist told me this years ago that women.
45:54
[SPEAKER_00]: Unfortunately, we set the bar.
45:57
[SPEAKER_00]: for our relationships with men, like romantic relationships.
46:02
[SPEAKER_00]: But we set that bar where our relationship is at with our father.
46:08
[SPEAKER_01]: Well, that's terrifying.
46:11
[SPEAKER_00]: Exactly.
46:11
[SPEAKER_00]: And if we're not aware of that, if we're not aware of where that bars at in that relationship, then that's why we don't have a belief that we deserve more because
46:25
[SPEAKER_00]: person, our father, our dad is the person that we put on that pedestal, whether it's right wrong in different.
46:34
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah.
46:36
[SPEAKER_00]: And my dad, I know my dad loves me.
46:40
[SPEAKER_00]: I know my dad, you know, he passed away the years ago, but I know my dad loved me.
46:47
[SPEAKER_00]: Like, I never questioned that and this is going to tell you the whole reason why I've had these relationships.
46:54
[SPEAKER_00]: I never questioned his love, like ever.
46:56
[SPEAKER_00]: My dad loved me tremendously, but my dad did bad things.
47:02
[SPEAKER_00]: My dad was a drug addict.
47:04
[SPEAKER_00]: My dad.
47:06
[SPEAKER_00]: cheated on my mom.
47:08
[SPEAKER_00]: My dad left us when I was really little, was in and out of my life because of other women.
47:15
[SPEAKER_00]: I was not the priority other women were the priority, but when my dad would show up,
47:21
[SPEAKER_00]: Jennifer smiled, she'd be happy and she was excited to see him and she loved him and she didn't care because I was getting that love and attention from him right then and there and that is one huge reason that I
47:52
[SPEAKER_01]: help.
47:52
[SPEAKER_01]: You have like tools there to be able to see that like you don't you don't have a bad picker.
47:58
[SPEAKER_01]: This is a direct reflection of that.
48:01
[SPEAKER_01]: What you do have now though is data to be able to look at that and be like, I did that.
48:07
[SPEAKER_01]: I fucked up.
48:08
[SPEAKER_01]: I picked the wrong partners, but now the Gen U today is aware of all of that.
48:13
[SPEAKER_01]: And that's one thing that I love about awareness and that you know this now and you experience and you can see it and man does that all make sense?
48:20
[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, like once you have that awareness, now it's your choice to make the change in the next step.
48:26
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, well, until now you truly respect yourself and and not just know your value, but enforce the boundary around your value and your worth.
48:39
[SPEAKER_00]: Because it's it's a whole thing and
48:45
[SPEAKER_00]: In its socks, I would catch him in lies.
48:47
[SPEAKER_00]: And that's where I, you know, he would tell people if she's crazy.
48:52
[SPEAKER_00]: There were times I absolutely acted fucking crazy because when you're lied to like that exactly about everything I thought like I was losing my mind and I had to find out the truth.
49:04
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, Godless of what it took to get there.
49:06
[SPEAKER_00]: Yes.
49:07
[SPEAKER_00]: And I did.
49:09
[SPEAKER_00]: I found out the truth and God I sometimes wished that I hadn't found out all the things that I found out.
49:15
[SPEAKER_00]: But then I got to a point where he was like, okay, she knows that I'm a liar.
49:22
[SPEAKER_00]: I like to her and she's still seeing me, you know, because we, we really only dated, this is like an eight year ordeal, but we were really only together, I don't even want to say year fully.
49:36
[SPEAKER_01]: That's crazy.
49:37
[SPEAKER_00]: Right.
49:38
[SPEAKER_00]: It was just this off again, on again, off again, on again, COVID came around and it was like, oh, there's no dating.
49:45
[SPEAKER_00]: There's no anything.
49:49
[SPEAKER_00]: And but then when that mask came off for him and he knew that I was still accepting him as that terrible person who lied to me who cheated on me.
50:02
[SPEAKER_00]: He was like, oh, well, now I can get away with this.
50:05
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, and he probably wasn't even like consciously thinking that like we do so many things subconsciously and he was he was doing it was called he was collecting data on you and oh yeah all the time he would blame me for his cheating He was he would tell me because at that point I was starting my killing journey and I was like full on you know in therapy putting down boundaries telling him I wouldn't see him telling him I wouldn't have sex with him.
50:31
[SPEAKER_00]: I didn't want to talk to him
50:33
[SPEAKER_00]: and the time between scene was going more and more and more and more and then I would find out that he fucked somebody like my neighbor.
50:41
[SPEAKER_00]: Let's start forget the neighbor.
50:42
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah.
50:44
[SPEAKER_00]: that started stalking me after she found out I lived here because he told her just a chaos and this person brought into my life, but she blamed me.
50:53
[SPEAKER_00]: He said, I fucked her because you didn't want me, right?
50:57
[SPEAKER_01]: You don't want that right there.
50:59
[SPEAKER_01]: Like this shows you what kind of person he is, but if you're supposed to want you, right?
51:05
[SPEAKER_01]: Like the takeaway is I want people to realize that like,
51:08
[SPEAKER_01]: it's human nature to keep seeing what we can get away with.
51:12
[SPEAKER_01]: What behavior can we get away with?
51:14
[SPEAKER_01]: And people will lie to you to see if you accept it.
51:17
[SPEAKER_01]: If they get caught, like how do you move forward?
51:19
[SPEAKER_01]: And again, this could be like all way back here in the back of your mind.
51:21
[SPEAKER_01]: It's not even like kind of self like sub-kind, like in the subconscious surface level where we know we're doing it.
51:27
[SPEAKER_01]: But I can tell you there's so many women that I've talked to and like
51:31
[SPEAKER_01]: they know that their husbands are lying to them, like they have been deceitful about certain text and phone calls.
51:37
[SPEAKER_01]: And they know the certain behaviors are going on and then they keep doing it and then the women accept it.
51:44
[SPEAKER_01]: And then like, I don't understand.
51:45
[SPEAKER_01]: And I'm like, you're not taking action.
51:48
[SPEAKER_01]: Why would he stop?
51:49
[SPEAKER_01]: And the same thing for women, you know, I know men that have women doing, oh, yeah.
51:54
[SPEAKER_01]: Absolutely.
51:54
[SPEAKER_01]: Both both ways.
51:55
[SPEAKER_01]: But it all goes back to like, listen to your gut.
52:00
[SPEAKER_01]: be very, very aware of the lies that we tell ourselves and then how we try and justify it with your relationship, with your weight loss journey, with what you accept, like why you're doing certain things, and we will continue to lie to ourselves.
52:17
[SPEAKER_01]: And when we continue to lie to ourselves, we lose the belief in the faith in ourselves.
52:22
[SPEAKER_01]: I've said this before, because I know I've done podcasts before I'm lying, but it's been a really long time.
52:27
[SPEAKER_01]: Imagine that if you had a child and every day you told that child, we're going to go to the park.
52:33
[SPEAKER_01]: We're going to go to the park today and then you don't go.
52:36
[SPEAKER_01]: Hey, we're going to go to the parking.
52:37
[SPEAKER_01]: You don't go.
52:37
[SPEAKER_01]: What eventually?
52:38
[SPEAKER_01]: What happened?
52:39
[SPEAKER_01]: You know, like, that kid isn't going to believe shit that comes out of your mouth.
52:43
[SPEAKER_01]: It's going to be like, mom's a liar.
52:45
[SPEAKER_01]: She says things.
52:45
[SPEAKER_01]: She doesn't do them.
52:46
[SPEAKER_01]: Okay.
52:47
[SPEAKER_01]: Sure.
52:47
[SPEAKER_01]: And there is going to be a zero relationship there.
52:50
[SPEAKER_01]: The same thing happens with us.
52:51
[SPEAKER_01]: If you continuously, why do yourself and say you're going to start Monday?
52:55
[SPEAKER_01]: Oh, I'm going to like not have sex with him anymore.
52:58
[SPEAKER_01]: No, and you're going to.
52:59
[SPEAKER_01]: Oh, I'm going to end this relationship and
53:04
[SPEAKER_01]: I'm going to block them and you just keep lying to yourself, you're going to lose that relationship with self.
53:10
[SPEAKER_01]: You're going to break down that self love that self confidence that, you know, we're working so hard on building and these lies or what will take you down like at some point you have to stop.
53:23
[SPEAKER_01]: line to yourself, and this, I love this topic because it can be in all areas.
53:28
[SPEAKER_01]: You've got to stop the bullshit and line, stop telling yourself, well, there's nothing I can take off my plate to be able to date or to be able to go to the gym or to be able to track my macros.
53:38
[SPEAKER_01]: My life is so busy.
53:39
[SPEAKER_01]: I can't even track my macros.
53:41
[SPEAKER_01]: Are you fucking kidding me?
53:43
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, you can absolutely light yourself by anything, but you're doing yourself with the service, obviously.
53:48
[SPEAKER_00]: I mean, absolutely.
53:53
[SPEAKER_00]: How do you trust yourself and your instinct?
53:56
[SPEAKER_00]: And that got filling, because you did this.
53:59
[SPEAKER_00]: I know you did this with the last guy.
54:01
[SPEAKER_00]: I don't even know what we're gonna call him.
54:04
[SPEAKER_00]: Fuck face.
54:05
[SPEAKER_00]: Fuck face.
54:05
[SPEAKER_00]: I don't really call him.
54:06
[SPEAKER_00]: I don't really call him.
54:08
[SPEAKER_00]: Fuck face.
54:09
[SPEAKER_00]: So.
54:10
[SPEAKER_00]: I remember when it was getting really bad with you guys, you started questioning yourself.
54:18
[SPEAKER_00]: You're asking yourself, am I crazy?
54:21
[SPEAKER_00]: Am I the abusive one?
54:24
[SPEAKER_00]: Did I do this?
54:25
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah.
54:25
[SPEAKER_00]: Did I cause this because a compulsive liar will make you feel?
54:32
[SPEAKER_00]: Insane and then you don't trust yourself, but that's why they do it and if if you don't know how to tell the difference between Am I judging this new person and being paranoid about this new person because it's my my gut instinct.
54:49
[SPEAKER_00]: Oh, hey, is this my past fucking trauma?
54:53
[SPEAKER_01]: Yes
54:54
[SPEAKER_00]: Unfortunately, if you have been in relationships with narcissists or people who are abusive or people that are liars drug addicts, we tend to unfortunately attract them.
55:06
[SPEAKER_00]: Because of all the damage that it's done to us, yeah, and I remember when I first started realizing that I.
55:13
[SPEAKER_00]: could see these guys coming a mile away now.
55:16
[SPEAKER_00]: I'm like, oh my God, and I could tell the difference between this is my past trauma and this is actually who this person is.
55:24
[SPEAKER_00]: I've been spot on now for a while.
55:26
[SPEAKER_00]: You know, I'm not safe.
55:28
[SPEAKER_00]: Perfect.
55:28
[SPEAKER_00]: I've had some pretty interesting dates and some pretty funny things.
55:32
[SPEAKER_00]: You know, people are weird.
55:33
[SPEAKER_00]: But I can say that I've broke a pattern that is huge and I do know when to walk away and I do know when to stop things and things aren't right and not to force those things, right?
55:48
[SPEAKER_00]: Because you don't want to be alone or you want this person or they're really hot or they're really good and
55:58
[SPEAKER_01]: Right, yeah, like what if I say something and catch him in this line, then I'm moving out living with my mom.
56:05
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, I think they're good boys.
56:07
[SPEAKER_00]: Do you remember when you were first going through everything with Stacey?
56:12
[SPEAKER_00]: Because that's where we're just going to stick with that one.
56:14
[SPEAKER_00]: Stacey and Fuckface.
56:15
[SPEAKER_00]: So I remember maybe you don't remember this, but you were trying to figure out how to get him like the pictures off of your Facebook.
56:28
[SPEAKER_00]: And clean that up and you actually asked me to do it for you because you're like, I can't do this.
56:32
[SPEAKER_00]: And I did.
56:33
[SPEAKER_00]: I went in and cleaned it up.
56:35
[SPEAKER_00]: And you were in marked in relationship.
56:39
[SPEAKER_00]: Because no longer was tagging him anymore.
56:42
[SPEAKER_00]: And you were just in a relationship.
56:43
[SPEAKER_00]: And I'm like, Melissa, you need to change that.
56:45
[SPEAKER_00]: You need to leave a blank or put single.
56:48
[SPEAKER_00]: Do you remember what you said?
56:51
[SPEAKER_00]: Don't I don't actually.
56:52
[SPEAKER_00]: You said that you didn't want to be marked as single because being single made you look like a loser That's like something like what's say that.
57:04
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, you're like You had put so much Wait yeah, and value into being in a relationship versus being with somebody that wasn't the right person for you
57:20
[SPEAKER_00]: And it's like, wow, you know, you, you live without fucking lie.
57:25
[SPEAKER_00]: That was a complete lie.
57:27
[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, that I have built in my head of like,
57:31
[SPEAKER_01]: I hold more value and I look better if I'm like with someone and not alone.
57:35
[SPEAKER_01]: I like it was so fucked up in my head.
57:36
[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah.
57:37
[SPEAKER_01]: Oh, yeah.
57:38
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah.
57:39
[SPEAKER_00]: I see you.
57:39
[SPEAKER_00]: So talk about a lie that you told yourself, like, wow, you know, you thought that it was better to be with this person that you were supporting financially that that was doing drugs that that was having you pay him to do things around the house he was living in and that being rent.
57:59
[SPEAKER_01]: Right.
58:00
[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah.
58:01
[SPEAKER_01]: The lies.
58:02
[SPEAKER_01]: The lies.
58:03
[SPEAKER_01]: I told myself and how that was okay.
58:06
[SPEAKER_01]: And it's better this way than the other way and like Holy shit.
58:11
[SPEAKER_01]: No, so you guys let people call you out on your bullshit.
58:15
[SPEAKER_01]: Let people stop.
58:17
[SPEAKER_01]: Be big enough.
58:18
[SPEAKER_01]: Be a big enough man.
58:19
[SPEAKER_01]: A big enough woman to pause and go.
58:23
[SPEAKER_01]: Are they right?
58:24
[SPEAKER_01]: We hold on.
58:26
[SPEAKER_01]: Am I just feeding myself a bunch of bullshit right now?
58:29
[SPEAKER_01]: Yep, like, be grown enough to stop and listen to other people and not take things personal.
58:36
[SPEAKER_00]: Be like, oh my god, why would you think that of me?
58:37
[SPEAKER_00]: Like, why are you saying that?
58:38
[SPEAKER_01]: Or like, that's not true.
58:40
[SPEAKER_01]: Sometimes you need to stop me like, oh, fuck, that is true.
58:43
[SPEAKER_00]: But it's listening to people, you know, instead of just being like, no, this is the way that I am.
58:52
[SPEAKER_01]: see if they've got to valid things, you know, to just to say like, and I feel like that's part of like 90% of my job is like calling people out on their bullshit and just be like, why did you start believing that that's a lie that you've been telling to yourself.
59:07
[SPEAKER_01]: And in one, I want coaching that gets brought up all the time with everything beyond the gym.
59:12
[SPEAKER_01]: I mean, sure, the gym is obviously like, I don't have time.
59:14
[SPEAKER_01]: That's a fucking lie.
59:16
[SPEAKER_01]: Are you kidding me?
59:16
[SPEAKER_01]: We all have the same hours and minutes in the day.
59:19
[SPEAKER_01]: I don't want to fall on a busy.
59:20
[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, everybody's busy.
59:22
[SPEAKER_01]: You know, or I don't know how to eat healthy.
59:25
[SPEAKER_01]: Are you kidding me?
59:26
[SPEAKER_01]: Yes, you do.
59:27
[SPEAKER_01]: You know, this is a better choice than this.
59:29
[SPEAKER_01]: Like we find tune it, but a lot of the lies come out in like relationships and how all of everything they're struggling with on their health and fitness comes out into their relationships and all seeps in it's all mesh together.
59:42
[SPEAKER_01]: And there's a lot of lies that I have to be like, wait, hold on.
59:46
[SPEAKER_01]: Why are you saying this?
59:47
[SPEAKER_01]: Why are you believing this?
59:48
[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, so if you need help calling yourself out on your bullshit book a call Right?
59:55
[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, the show notes and book a call do a 30-minute call with me and well, we'll help navigate that No more lying to yourself Jen, this is great.
1:00:04
[SPEAKER_01]: I'm so glad that we got to do this again.
1:00:07
[SPEAKER_01]: It will be back you guys the last Thursday of every month
1:00:11
[SPEAKER_01]: Maybe we'll have more, but if there's ever a topic that you want us to talk about or dive into, if you have questions, reach out to Jenna and her social media, John, what's your social media handle.
1:00:20
[SPEAKER_01]: Just find me, Jen Corté.
1:00:23
[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, Corté.
1:00:24
[SPEAKER_01]: Oh, you are T.
1:00:26
[SPEAKER_01]: EI, or you can DM me, it's Melissa Vogel, you can DM the podcast, Bomb Life Podcast, social media, or you can email the show.
1:00:35
[SPEAKER_01]: It's Melissa Vogel at gmail.com.
1:00:38
[SPEAKER_01]: We would love to hear from you guys as always go to the show notes.
1:00:41
[SPEAKER_01]: Check out the links that we poke in there at Book of Call with me, Book of Call with Jen.
1:00:45
[SPEAKER_01]: if you need her line of work we're always here to help and then please don't forget to rate and review the show five stars again appropriate it's like leaving us a huge tip in the tip jar does a lot for us so all right Jen who will be on back on soon you guys check us out on YouTube and always go back and listen to all the shows in all the episodes through there for you.
1:01:05
[SPEAKER_01]: Alright, bye everyone.
1:01:06
[SPEAKER_01]: Stay safe, stay healthy.
1:01:07
[SPEAKER_01]: Until next time.
1:01:08
[SPEAKER_01]: The Bound Life Podcast is for informational and entertainment purposes only.
1:01:11
[SPEAKER_01]: The content share here is not intended as a medical legal or professional advice.
1:01:15
[SPEAKER_01]: Always consult with a qualified professional.
1:01:16
[SPEAKER_01]: If you're making any health fitness by nature or legal decisions, the opinions shared on as podcasts are personal experiences and insight.
1:01:23
[SPEAKER_01]: So if you need expert guidance, go find the right professional for you.
1:01:26
[SPEAKER_01]: Thanks for listening.