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S4E6 - How Do I Stop Power Struggles With My Preteen? · Play Therapy Parenting: Real Parenting Questions Answered by a Child Therapist

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You're listening to the Play Therapy Parenting Podcast
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with Dr. Brenna Hicks.
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Hi,
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I'm Dr. Brenna Hicks,
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The Kid Counselor.
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This is the Play Therapy Parenting Podcast
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where I answer real parenting questions about behavior,
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emotions,
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and the parent-child relationship.
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In today's episode,
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I am answering Briana's question.
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This is about her 10 year old daughter
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and their relationship dynamics and just kind of how that has unfolded,
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the struggles at home and the
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most
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Difficult scenarios and trying to get some perspective on that.
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So,
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Briana,
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thank you so much for
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the email.
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I hope that I'm saying your name right cause I do realize it could be Briana,
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but with one N grammatically,
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I'm thinking it's Briana.
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So if I'm saying it wrong,
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I apologize.
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Interestingly,
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so many people
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in the world call me Brianna or Briana.
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So,
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I'm actually really familiar with your name,
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but I appreciate the email.
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So,
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let me read parts of this together and then we'll dive in.
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My daughter is 10 and I feel like I'm really struggling with her listening skills.
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She gets super mad at me and we butt heads a lot.
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When I tell her to do something,
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she says,
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It's my body.
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I can do what I want,
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and she really wants a phone.
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All her classmates have one,
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but I refuse to get her one.
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I've asked her why she wants it and explained how bad it is for our health.
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We even got her a watch to call friends,
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but since it's not a phone,
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we argue about that too.
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She has a big attitude and is kind of disrespectful.
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We start at a quarter jar.
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If she does what's on the list,
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she gets to put in a quarter.
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If not,
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she doesn't get anything for that chore.
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We do that for positive attitudes like being respectful,
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not fighting with siblings,
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and getting ready for the day,
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hair and teeth.
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But if they swear or disrespectful,
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we take one away,
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sometimes 50 cents.
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She's super sensitive and she doesn't have many friends.
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She's also very clingy and has to give her friends hugs,
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and I think they don't know how to react.
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She says we aren't the boss of her,
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just wondering
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what to do
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to help parents and give me some advice.
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All right.
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So,
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I'm really thankful for this question.
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I think this is gonna be a really helpful episode.
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One of the interesting things is when kids hit 10 and 11,
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they're in that preteen,
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pre-adolescent phase.
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There's a lot going on for them.
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So,
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typically,
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that's 5th grade.
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You know,
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10 and 11 is 5th grade year,
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so they're at the top of elementary school.
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They're heading into middle school,
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especially if you're in the states.
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That's kind of our structure,
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5th grade and down and then 6th grade and up.
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So,
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there's a lot going on emotionally,
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academically,
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physiologically,
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physically,
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chemically,
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relationally,
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familially,
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so many other things.
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And
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they're also kind of getting a surge of independence.
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So,
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they go through a brain development between 8 and 9.
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And then 10 and 11 is kind of the individuation segment
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of
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that era of childhood.
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So,
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I'm becoming more independent.
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I want more autonomy.
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I want more freedom.
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I don't want to be treated like a young kid anymore,
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but I know I'm not able to be treated like an older kid yet.
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So,
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one of the phrases that we talk about a lot is liminal space,
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and I don't need to get into it other than
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it's when you're kind of stuck in between two things,
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and that's really how I describe that like 10 and 11 year old range.
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They're kind of stuck in liminal space.
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Like,
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I'm not really a true kid anymore.
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I'm not really
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an older
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adolescent or teenager yet.
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And so I'm kind of in this weird limbo,
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and that can be very frustrating.
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So,
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what I'm hearing in,
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it's my body,
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I can do what I want.
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You're not the boss of me.
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That's the individuation,
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the independence,
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the want for control and autonomy and freedom.
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That's developmentally appropriate.
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It's age appropriate.
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However,
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it requires
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communication
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and limits
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and boundaries from the parenting side of things.
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And so,
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there are things over which
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she does get to decide what she
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wants to do.
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There are scenarios where she does get to have power and control.
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And so,
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it's also about helping her understand
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you do have control over some things,
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and then other things,
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you are still a child in our home,
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we are still your parents,
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and there are still expectations.
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So it's striking a balance.
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So in that scenario,
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it's my body,
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I can do what I want.
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It is your body.
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Nothing that I'm asking you to do
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has anything to do with your body.
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I'm not asking you to put something in your body.
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I'm not asking you to alter your body.
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I'm not asking you to do something to your body.
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I'm asking you to comply with
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this chore,
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or I'm asking you to turn off the TV
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or I'm asking you to,
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etc.
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So,
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there's a very clear line
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of,
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because keep in mind at 10,
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she does not have abstract reasoning.
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This is not a reasonable argument.
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But she doesn't understand that because developmentally she's not there yet.
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So she's using this as her pushback of don't tell me what to do.
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It's my body.
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I can do what I want.
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That doesn't even make sense to,
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you need to go do your homework,
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for example,
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but in her mind,
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that's her defense.
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So we're going to be neutral,
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we're going to be clear,
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we're going to set expectations.
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It is your body
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I'm not asking you to do anything related to your body.
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I'm asking you to do your homework.
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And when you make it very clear that there are expectations.
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And you are consistent in enforcing those expectations.
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It will help her understand where the parameters are and where the boundaries are.
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Now,
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we balance that with making sure she does have autonomy and choices.
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So,
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what are things that you can give her
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more power over in her daily life,
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Briana,
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I'm not sure.
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Is she able to choose?
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What activities she does in the evening,
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is she able to choose whether y'all go swimming or whether you go to the park?
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Is she able to choose
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whether she hangs out with her friends on Monday or on Tuesday?
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Is she able to choose what show y'all watch as a family in the evening?
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If you can give her power and control over things that
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you are OK with,
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then she won't fight for power and control so much in these other arenas.
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And as far as the phone goes,
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that's another.
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Individuation,
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responsibility.
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I want to be my own governor.
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I wanna be my own boss.
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Like every other 10 year old has a phone.
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I don't have time to get into the sad state that that implies.
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No 10-year-old should have a phone.
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The fact that you had got her a watch to be able to call people,
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that is a very healthy.
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Meet in the middle.
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So,
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if you wanna be able to talk to your friends,
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I will give you something that you're able to talk to your friends.
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Now,
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there are actual phone options.
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There are Gab phones,
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there are pinwheel phones.
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If you
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are interested in one of those,
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they are
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social media free,
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internet-free.
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They're able to call,
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text,
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take pictures,
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listen to music.
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They are basic,
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they're kind of a flip phone.
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But they're not a flip phone.
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So they function as a flip phone.
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They have no internet connectivity.
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They have no social media.
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She may prefer that because it feels more normal
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according to her friends.
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She doesn't have to,
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you know,
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hold her wrist up to her mouth and talk into it.
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She can actually have a real phone.
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But then it saves from
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them being on social media and scrolling the internet and
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all the other dangerous things that a phone brings.
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So,
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you know,
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Gab and pinwheel are options.
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If you use the promo code play
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on Gab,
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you'll save money because I'm a partner with them.
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So,
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there are other options regarding the phone,
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but I think it's actually really helpful that you are setting
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a boundary there and saying it's not safe for you.
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We did the same thing with our son.
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He's still to this day,
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he's almost 17 and his phone does not have internet.
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So
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there are ways to ensure that your child is safe
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and that they are not going to get
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addicted and be exposed to dangerous inappropriate junk.
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I think that that is a hard and fast line that you've drawn,
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and I think that it's perfectly acceptable to continue to hold that line,
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and kids will always understand you keeping them safe.
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So I think that maybe the explanation that you provide
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is,
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it is my job as your mom to keep you safe,
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and you having a phone
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is not safe
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unless it is just a basic simple phone.
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But that might be a concession because if she can
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in fact have a phone that just doesn't have internet,
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it might make her feel a little bit less ostracized from her friends.
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And then the quarter jar.
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OK,
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I understand the,
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the theory there,
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and I understand the premise behind that.
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But often that is very defeating for kids that tend to be disregulated.
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So here's my thought.
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If a child is willing and able to comply,
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and they just constantly get quarters thrown in there because they're compliant,
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they're people pleasing,
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they're perfectionistic,
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they're the ones that just tend to obey because they
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want to
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not make any waves in the family.
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Then that's going to be a very successful incentive
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for that kind of kid.
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But for a child that is dysregulated,
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for a child that has power and control needs,
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for a child that struggles to comply because of
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emotions,
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behaviors,
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relationship dynamics,
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whatever the scenario is.
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It's going to be actually very defeating and counterproductive
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to feel like every time I turn around I'm getting stuff taken out of my jar
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and I get to watch my siblings' jars get higher and higher and higher with quarters,
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and I'm down to 4 quarters because I get in trouble all the time.
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That starts to add up and they just start to go,
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it's not even worth it.
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So,
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I'm not sure that that's necessarily the most helpful strategy.
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If you feel like it's working and you've seen benefit from it,
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then absolutely continue with that.
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But I'm just,
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I'm cautious that maybe your daughter may not react appropriately to that kind of
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behavior modification system.
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And
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she's super sensitive,
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doesn't have many friends.
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That means that she doesn't have a sense of who she is.
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That's probably low self-esteem,
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no self-construct,
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no self-concept,
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no self-confidence.
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You,
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you lack those things,
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it's really hard to connect with peers.
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It's really hard for peers to like you because they don't really know who you are.
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So that
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seems to align not only with the behavior
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and the want for power,
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but also the fact that she's struggling socially.
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One of the ways you can handle that
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is
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use encouragement as often as possible.
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You knew what to do.
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You had a plan.
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You figured it out.
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You got it.
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You worked it out.
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You solved the problem.
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Focus on effort.
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Do not use praise,
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which is value laden language.
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It's not a good job.
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That was awesome.
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You're so smart.
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Those all have values attached to them.
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And that puts it on what you think about what happened.
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Notice that every phrase I said earlier started with you.
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You did it.
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You knew what to do.
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You figured it out.
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You got it.
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You solved the problem.
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You had a plan.
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It's very clear
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it's talking about the child's effort.
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If you eliminate praise,
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it will help her really develop a sense of who she is.
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So that would be my suggestion for that.
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And then.
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When
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she is struggling with low self-esteem,
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struggling with power and control grabs.
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And also feeling like she's getting in trouble a lot.
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That's going to weigh pretty heavily,
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and it becomes self-fulfilling prophecy.
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In other words,
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you said siblings,
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so I suspect you have at least 3 children.
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If she is the bad kid,
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and the other two are more easygoing,
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more obedient,
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more respectful,
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they don't cuss,
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they don't get mad,
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they don't argue.
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So if she has been unofficially
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scapegoated or branded as the bad kid in the family,
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She's gonna feel very stuck in that role.
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Because everyone's expecting her to fulfill that role.
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And so there's,
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there's a dynamic that gets created where,
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well,
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everyone thinks I'm the bad kid.
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I get in trouble all the time.
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I'm constantly losing quarters.
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I'm constantly
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being told that I'm disrespectful.
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I'm constantly
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getting grounded,
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whatever the scenario is.
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Eventually people just go,
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Well,
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I guess that's who I am.
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And they stop wanting or believing that they can be
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better.
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So,
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again,
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this all comes back to relationship.
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Because
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at its core,
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child-centered principles
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are,
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we preserve relationship at all costs.
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I'm curious,
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Briana,
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do you spend
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undivided 30 minutes of time with her doing something that she wants each week?
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I'm gonna say your daughter's name is Julie.
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I have no idea.
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Julie,
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I wanna start doing
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30 minutes just you and me each week and you get to decide what we do.
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Tell me what you think you'd like to do.
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We're gonna do it on Thursdays.
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Tell me what you think you'd like to do for 30 minutes.
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And you're establishing,
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I'm going to unconditionally accept you.
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I'm going to pour into a relationship,
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and I'm going to have 30 minutes where you know
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that I delight in you.
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And that I enjoy being with you.
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She will naturally start wanting to behave in more self enhancing ways.
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When she knows that she has someone
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and an experience consistently
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that says,
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I just really enjoy you.
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No kid wants to stay stuck.
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No kid wants to stay disregulated,
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and she's in both of those states right now.
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She just doesn't know how to get herself out of them.
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She doesn't want to be there.
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She just doesn't know any other option.
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So what we're doing is preserving relationship.
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We're pouring into spending time together so that she feels seen and heard
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and understood and valued and delighted in and all those things.
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And then she will naturally say.
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I don't really like
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that I'm stuck.
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I'm going to figure out how to get myself
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into a different place,
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and that's how they become a better version of themselves.
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So that would be my encouragement to you,
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Brana.
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In addition to giving her
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choices when you can,
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in addition to using encouragement with her,
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spend 30 minutes of undivided attention with her where she gets to decide what you do
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and you spend the entire time
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working on relationship.
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No judgment,
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no expectations.
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Neutral,
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accepting,
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loving,
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calm,
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30 minutes.
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And over time that builds and she starts to realize that she doesn't have to
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be in that role that she's in right now.
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Hope that that's helpful to you,
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Briana.
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I hope that it's helpful to every one of you
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that feels like maybe that is exactly your story too,
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because there's so much overlap in all the emails that I get.
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So many parents are in the same position.
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So,
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again,
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thanks for the email.
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If you wanna reach out to me,
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I'd love to hear from you as well.
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brenna@thekidcounselor.com
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Keep loving on your kids.
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I love y'all.
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We'll talk again soon.
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Bye.
14:42
Thank you for listening to
14:43
the Play Therapy Parenting Podcast with Dr. Brenna Hicks.
14:47
For more episodes and just subscribe to our newsletter,
14:50
please go to www.playtherapyparenting.com.