Latest / The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten / How To Deal With Disrespectful Kids

Transcript

How To Deal With Disrespectful Kids · The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten

• 0:05
  Hi everybody, and welcome to the dr.
• 0:08
  Psych mom show, I started this new subscription thing where
• 0:12
  there will be some bonus episodes for people who
• 0:14
  subscribe, it's only six dollars.
• 0:16
  A month thing is 599, actually or 699.
• 0:20
  I forget, and if you subscribe and also, if you write in to me,
• 0:24
  I will prioritize answering your question in a podcast episode,
• 0:29
  so that is cool. Anyhow.
• 0:32
  So, today, what I'm going to talk about, is, when parents
• 0:34
  think Think that their kids are ungrateful or disrespectful.
• 0:39
  This is a common issue that comes up, especially because
• 0:42
  many people I work with, have they're giving their children, a
• 0:47
  lifestyle that is a lot different than the parents own
• 0:50
  lifestyle when they were growing up.
• 0:52
  Now, I don't just mean materially, although that is
• 0:56
  frequently the case that the child has a lot more
• 0:58
  opportunities that the child has infinity extracurriculars and
• 1:02
  all of these things that you wish that you had had video
• 1:04
  games. Ever.
• 1:06
  But I also mean emotionally because particularly anybody
• 1:10
  who's going to be listening to my podcast or who's read
• 1:13
  parenting books knows that their parents were doing no, such
• 1:17
  thing. I mean, you know, nobody was
• 1:20
  really except for dr. Spock people listen to dr.
• 1:23
  Or read dr. Spock but parenting books are
• 1:26
  not like a big deal, so unless your parent happened to be
• 1:30
  securely attached and mentally healthy and you won that genetic
• 1:34
  Lottery. Then you may have grown up with
• 1:37
  a lot more emotionally dysfunctional or even
• 1:43
  emotionally, abusive or neglectful behaviors and your
• 1:46
  family of origin toward you. Then you're trying to do with
• 1:49
  your kids. You're trying to give your kids
• 1:51
  a lot more emotionally healthy and experienced than you had.
• 1:58
  So for example, when you were little if you cried your parents
• 2:03
  might have said, suck it up. I'll give you something to cry
• 2:05
  about. Out.
• 2:05
  And now you try to validate your child's motion and all of this.
• 2:09
  Now you can take this to an extreme.
• 2:12
  I've written about this, and I'll link you in the description
• 2:16
  to my episode. About to my blog post, or other
• 2:19
  about, not over validating your kids every emotion and not
• 2:23
  compulsively validating and verbalizing them to the fact
• 2:26
  that they to the point that they feel like you're in their head.
• 2:29
  And they don't even know what they're thinking before you say
• 2:31
  it, this is well-intentioned but can run a foul.
• 2:35
  Because the parent is so committed to the idea of never
• 2:39
  invalidating, the child that the parent errors.
• 2:41
  On the other side, whenever you have 180 degree swing from your
• 2:46
  own parents, it's likely not good.
• 2:48
  Usually it's like supposed to be like a 90-degree swing and
• 2:52
  that's a moderate approach but many times people go front like
• 2:57
  so for example what we're talking about here is if your
• 3:00
  parents made fun of you every time you have an emotion, then
• 3:03
  you may have gone to the other. Extreme of every time.
• 3:06
  Your child has a feeling, you are so upset and you try to
• 3:10
  validate the shit out of it. And then turns out that, then
• 3:14
  your kids end up thinking that they are the center of the
• 3:16
  universe. Because that is what you're
• 3:18
  acting. Like, now, you yourself as a
• 3:20
  kid, felt the opposite that you were not even in the universe
• 3:24
  that your parents inhabited and that you were not a priority at
• 3:27
  all, but there is a downside obviously to both you and your
• 3:32
  kids of making them feel like the center of the The universe
• 3:35
  and I've also done a podcast about don't let your kids treat
• 3:40
  you like garbage, which is where some of this comes from and
• 3:43
  there's a big overlap but really what we're going to be
• 3:46
  addressing here or what are some pragmatic concrete ways.
• 3:50
  And this is how I like to roll, not just in the realm of the
• 3:54
  abstract. What are some concrete abstract?
• 3:57
  It's a Concrete, not abstract ways that you can behave.
• 4:04
  And React when your children act ungrateful and disrespectful and
• 4:09
  what are some ways to reframe this, with a fuller
• 4:12
  understanding of human development and Child
• 4:16
  Development. So, first of all your kids, I
• 4:20
  like to say this to, my clients would really cannot be
• 4:22
  overstated. Your kids do not have a split
• 4:25
  screen where they see your childhood unfolding on one side
• 4:28
  and then their childhood next to it.
• 4:30
  Because if they did, they would understand that their childhood
• 4:33
  is like you know, rolling. Around in a field of cotton
• 4:36
  candy while petting a unicorn next to the shit that you dealt
• 4:39
  with, but they don't know that. And so one thing to do and this
• 4:44
  is not to guilt-trip your children, but because you
• 4:47
  actually do want your child to know you.
• 4:50
  This isn't bad. You're so your child supposed to
• 4:52
  know you. It's not just that, you know,
• 4:54
  everything about your child, but then you're just as benevolent
• 4:57
  force in their lives, but not a human.
• 5:01
  The thing that people want very badly, when there are adults is
• 5:04
  to know, Their parents better and to understand why their
• 5:07
  parents acted as they did. So if you deny this to your kids
• 5:11
  out of a desire to protect them and not tell them anything bad,
• 5:14
  then you may be doing them a disservice.
• 5:16
  So the first thing to do honestly is to situate your
• 5:20
  child's experience and you can do this from as young as you
• 5:25
  know, as you're talking to them, you know, but at a
• 5:28
  developmentally appropriate level you want to situate their
• 5:31
  experience within a larger context, particularly the
• 5:34
  context of your Her own life. So no, you shouldn't say, oh,
• 5:38
  everything sucked for me, and out, so much better for you all
• 5:41
  the time as like a mantra of guilt induction, but when you do
• 5:47
  have heart to heart with your kids, you can say, you know,
• 5:50
  some of the reason I think that I have been very soft on you is
• 5:55
  because my parents were really hard on me, and they were hard
• 5:58
  on me and this, and this away. So, for example, personally, my
• 6:03
  parents would fight all the time.
• 6:05
  I'm and that is why I try not to fight in front of my children.
• 6:10
  You know. But to some extent if they
• 6:14
  didn't understand this they wouldn't understand that this is
• 6:18
  a big deal. They would just assume you know
• 6:21
  that this is like a thing like you know parents don't fight in
• 6:24
  front of their kids and they wouldn't really understand that
• 6:27
  for some kids it's different and that that's kind of a good
• 6:29
  situation that they're in and why I Mommy Because this is a
• 6:35
  personal example, why I may react.
• 6:38
  So why I may be so triggered by conflict in the home by even
• 6:43
  them fighting because I grew up around a lot of fighting.
• 6:46
  So if I tell them something about my experience, they can
• 6:50
  understand me better and not just think.
• 6:52
  Why does she hate it so much when we're bickering?
• 6:55
  You know, obviously I should work on being less reactive to
• 6:58
  their fighting that goes beat that's without saying goes
• 7:01
  without saying, but I'll say it but if they And that maybe some
• 7:06
  of the reason isn't that? I think they're bad kids or
• 7:08
  something. But rather that I was around a
• 7:10
  lot of conflict growing up myself, then they can understand
• 7:14
  me better and have more empathy toward me.
• 7:17
  Remember, your kids are supposed to empathize with you.
• 7:19
  Empathy is not unidirectional, it doesn't flow downward from
• 7:23
  the parent to the child only. If a child does not learn to
• 7:26
  empathize with their parents, they are probably not going to
• 7:29
  be learning to empathize with many other people.
• 7:31
  You interact with them constantly, the empathy from
• 7:34
  them. To.
• 7:35
  You should also be a focus of the interactions.
• 7:40
  Empathy is not a one-way Street. And if they do not practice
• 7:43
  empathizing with you, how will they be?
• 7:45
  Empathizing with friends later partners and their own children?
• 7:49
  Okay, it's not like they just watch you and they know what to
• 7:52
  do. They have to practice.
• 7:54
  So a very little child. So let's say that you have a
• 7:57
  real bad day and you sit there at the table and you burst into
• 8:01
  tears because your car doesn't start and you can't get to Or
• 8:05
  work on time. And you know, I'm not saying you
• 8:08
  burst into tears when you throw some shit at the wall and then
• 8:11
  you start, you know, screaming randomly know.
• 8:14
  I'm certainly keep your shit in check and if you can't, which
• 8:19
  sometimes we can't, especially people who struggle with
• 8:21
  depression or anxiety or anger. If you find yourself scaring
• 8:25
  your children with your reactions, you need to start
• 8:28
  therapy and you need to work on that.
• 8:30
  But I'm saying more of a normative human response to
• 8:33
  stress. So one day you burst into tears.
• 8:36
  If your child doesn't respond nicely to that, if they don't
• 8:39
  say, it's okay, mommy. Yeah, watch watch for that.
• 8:42
  That's not a good sign. That means that you really have
• 8:44
  not taught them to be empathic toward you, right?
• 8:48
  So, if you are having a hard day as long as every single day
• 8:51
  isn't a hard day, you know, if you are having an unusually hard
• 8:55
  day, then your child should respond with empathy.
• 8:57
  If they don't, then that is something to look out for.
• 9:00
  And you have been remiss. It's very unlikely.
• 9:03
  Your child is a sociopath, right?
• 9:05
  So, people may think that in the teen years, but you probably
• 9:09
  have not trained them to be that nice to you.
• 9:11
  Okay, so you're supposed to also train them to be nice to you by
• 9:14
  saying when mommy's crying. You know, you would probably
• 9:17
  come over and say are you okay, Mommy.
• 9:19
  And if you give them the script they will come over and learn
• 9:22
  that. That doesn't mean anything bad.
• 9:25
  If you have to tell them what to say, it just means, geez, you
• 9:27
  have to tell them everything. This child came out of your
• 9:30
  womb. You know, or your wife's womb,
• 9:33
  you got to tell them to brush their teeth.
• 9:35
  Teeth. You got to tell them at some
• 9:36
  point about Santa Claus, you know, you got to tell them
• 9:38
  everything. So this is just one more thing
• 9:40
  when somebody's crying we come over and say are you okay,
• 9:44
  anyhow. So the first one is to give your
• 9:47
  child an understanding of you so that they can empathize with you
• 9:51
  and have a broader context within which to understand their
• 9:54
  own experiences. And if this experience
• 9:58
  experiences that you had make you too soft on them, then that
• 10:01
  is something to share because my dad would always hit me when I
• 10:04
  was Little a person might say, I try very hard never to
• 10:08
  discipline you in anything, any way that could be construed as
• 10:12
  harsh, but I realized that maybe I have been wrong in, not
• 10:17
  disciplining you at all, because I seem to notice that you say
• 10:20
  really mean stuff to me and that's not okay, right?
• 10:24
  So you're trying to tell them why you have not been
• 10:27
  disciplining them or let's say making boundaries as firm as you
• 10:30
  need to. Then the next step is actually
• 10:32
  making the boundaries because if your kids are consistently Be
• 10:35
  disrespectful. It's likely not their fault.
• 10:37
  It's likely that you have not had consistent boundaries so
• 10:40
  they don't really know what's expected of them because
• 10:44
  sometimes you get mad at them for being rude.
• 10:46
  But other times, you just let it go.
• 10:48
  So, the number one thing is to be consistent, parenting needs
• 10:51
  consistency, any sort of behavior training needs
• 10:54
  consistency. And if you bristle at the term
• 10:57
  behavior, training the entire field of cognitive behavioral
• 11:01
  therapy is based on behavior training.
• 11:05
  So yes, there's a lot of overlap between training, your dog,
• 11:08
  train your kid, and training yourself to do new behaviors.
• 11:11
  So this is not something that is an insult to you or your child.
• 11:15
  But there we are mammals and we respond to training and to
• 11:20
  reinforcement and all of these things, right?
• 11:25
  Anyhow. So what you would do is try to
• 11:28
  immediately think of some things that your child does that are
• 11:31
  just going to not happen anymore.
• 11:33
  So, for example, let's say that your child It says to you,
• 11:38
  you're you are the worst mom. Let's see.
• 11:42
  They like always say that. Not always but, you know, they
• 11:44
  say that frequently enough and that's me, you're not the worst
• 11:47
  mom, you know? I mean, you're you, you just
• 11:50
  like everybody you're somewhere on a bell curve.
• 11:52
  So a, it's wrong and be it's really rude, you know?
• 11:56
  So you don't go around saying your kid, you're the worst kid,
• 11:59
  and if you do then you should stop.
• 12:01
  That's where they're getting that from.
• 12:02
  But anyhow, if you don't and if you try to be And if, you know,
• 12:06
  nice and pleasant and you do a lot of shit for your kid, you
• 12:09
  may not be perfect, but you're not the worst mom.
• 12:12
  So you would say, if you say, you're the worst mom anymore, I
• 12:18
  take your phone, bam, or I take whatever TV video games.
• 12:22
  Whatever. You know, how many days you're
• 12:24
  going to have to do this before, they understand not to say that
• 12:27
  rude thing anymore. One, two, maybe three.
• 12:31
  If your kids real stubborn, the kids learn very quickly.
• 12:35
  Ali, just like every other human does.
• 12:37
  So now, I'm sure many of you that are in the over validation
• 12:41
  Camp. Say, oh my God.
• 12:44
  But that's their real emotion. And I'm going to be denying
• 12:47
  their real emotion. Just like my parents did to me.
• 12:50
  No, no, no. This up, their emotions are
• 12:52
  emotions that you're the worst parent in the world.
• 12:55
  There's other ways to say it. So then that's number three of
• 12:57
  what you're going to say. You're going to say to your
• 12:59
  child, here are some ways that you can act or deal.
• 13:05
  Or cope when you're feeling angry, you're not going to say
• 13:08
  you're the worst mom anymore, cuz that's really rude.
• 13:10
  I don't want you to grow up to be somebody that says, to
• 13:13
  people, you are the worst wife, husband, Kid Boss friend because
• 13:19
  nobody likes that. It's really mean.
• 13:21
  So instead you could say to me something like, I feel angry
• 13:26
  that you didn't, let me go to the mall, and then maybe we
• 13:30
  could have a constructive conversation about it.
• 13:32
  So you could tell me your feelings, you know, and I could
• 13:35
  Tell you my feelings back but what you're not going to do is
• 13:37
  call names and you're not going to say you're the worst mom in
• 13:39
  the world, that's just not going to happen.
• 13:41
  If you do Zero Tolerance, I take your phone and then you would
• 13:45
  look back and say I have been too soft about this before.
• 13:49
  I understand this could be confusing to you because I've
• 13:53
  let it go and that's all on me. I should never have.
• 13:56
  Let It Go from the first time that you said it.
• 13:59
  I should have stopped you but I did it now, we're moving
• 14:01
  forward. Then I you want to situate this.
• 14:05
  In why you are creating more boundaries?
• 14:08
  You say, I love you. I love you a lot.
• 14:12
  I am happy that you are my child.
• 14:14
  What I noticed though is when you act rude or ungrateful or
• 14:19
  whatever and we'll get to various examples, I have a hard
• 14:23
  time feeling close to you and it seems like you have a hard time
• 14:26
  feeling close to me. I value our relationship.
• 14:29
  I want us to be close, so I got to put a stop to some of these
• 14:32
  behaviors that are stopping us from being Those so you would
• 14:36
  situate it in, I love you and I am going to be doing boundaries
• 14:39
  for the sake of our relationship am then also, I want you to add
• 14:45
  in positive individual time with this child on a regular basis
• 14:49
  for at least 15 minutes a day. So time where you do something
• 14:53
  that both of you think is fun for 15 minutes.
• 14:56
  I don't care. If it's watching tic toc videos,
• 14:58
  whatever everybody doesn't have the bandwidth to do an art
• 15:01
  project, you know? I mean, let's keep it simple. 15
• 15:05
  minutes a day of time that you actually enjoy hanging out with
• 15:08
  your kit. This is showing your actions.
• 15:11
  Now are showing that you really do love this child and value
• 15:14
  them and for every privilege or it's not a privilege.
• 15:18
  Say, you're the worst mom in the world, but, you know, for
• 15:20
  everything that you're not going to let them do, I'll give you
• 15:23
  some more examples of that. There are plenty of things that
• 15:26
  you are such as hanging out with them more.
• 15:28
  Which is really what most children want even teenagers.
• 15:32
  Want the full attention of their parents for a few minutes about
• 15:36
  something that they really value.
• 15:38
  Okay, so what are other examples of behaviors that you can put
• 15:42
  the smackdown on in this firm bound to read healthy way?
• 15:48
  What about if they are saying mean things to their siblings?
• 15:53
  Could be a zero tolerance policy on that if I hear or it could be
• 15:57
  cursing. If they're starting to curse at
• 15:59
  explore, what that seems like, it could be opening your Or
• 16:06
  bothering you when you are working over some bullshit.
• 16:09
  I mean, that that's a thing. Everything that they need isn't
• 16:13
  immediate that they need it. Some kids just don't listen and
• 16:16
  they will keep coming in. Even if you are say, I am just
• 16:20
  working for a half an hour, they will keep coming.
• 16:22
  And I see this happen with some of my clients when they're on
• 16:25
  video sessions with me, which is why video sessions are so great
• 16:28
  because I could see what actually happens in real time in
• 16:31
  their houses. Now in my house my kids never do
• 16:33
  that. That's like literally Ali.
• 16:35
  Like, I mean the house would have to be on fire for them to
• 16:37
  bother me except explain super clearly that my job isn't like
• 16:42
  that. My job is HIPAA compliant.
• 16:44
  They can't see my clients on the screen.
• 16:46
  They cannot come down ever ever and they're fine with that.
• 16:52
  That's a boundary. It's just like how some parents
• 16:55
  don't let the kids in when they are in the bathroom.
• 16:58
  That is a boundary. You are totally allowed to pee
• 17:01
  and private you don't and they're totally told.
• 17:05
  Be told not to ever knock because you're in the bathroom
• 17:08
  and you'll be out when you're done and you don't harass them
• 17:10
  when they're in the bathroom. So that's an example of
• 17:13
  something, for example, or what if they do not say thank you.
• 17:20
  So you take them out to Chuck, E cheese, and on the way back.
• 17:24
  You say, did you like that? And they say, you know, we left
• 17:28
  too early and you didn't get me a soda and you say, because you
• 17:32
  got to train them exactly what to say, especially if you've
• 17:34
  never Never done that. You say, well, that's rude.
• 17:37
  What I need you to say. Thank you so much for taking me
• 17:40
  Mom and soon if they look at you they don't do that.
• 17:43
  You say, okay. So from now on we're going to be
• 17:47
  doing, is that you thanked me for stuff?
• 17:49
  It's my fault. I didn't teach you so far, but
• 17:52
  if I tell you to thank me for something that's a privilege and
• 17:55
  you don't then we don't do it anymore.
• 17:58
  Definitely, we don't do it anymore.
• 18:00
  This is also something that they can learn because in two weeks
• 18:03
  when I want to go to Chuck E cheese again, you say no.
• 18:05
  No, I don't think that's going to work out because last time,
• 18:08
  you know, you didn't thank me for it so that isn't grateful to
• 18:12
  me. I don't like Chucky Cheese.
• 18:13
  Personally, I go for you. I like you to have fun but I
• 18:16
  also like you to appreciate the nice things that I do.
• 18:19
  So we're not going to go. And if they say no, no, I do.
• 18:22
  I love Chuck E cheese. I want to go.
• 18:24
  I will I'll say, thank you. Do you say all right?
• 18:27
  Fine. We'll try one more time.
• 18:30
  This time unless the kid is is I mean really like super
• 18:34
  oppositional in which case you know, you just lucked out cause
• 18:37
  you'd never have to go Chucky Cheese again.
• 18:39
  But this time at the end you're going to say so.
• 18:41
  Did you like Chucky Cheese? Do you have anything to say to
• 18:43
  me? They're going to say yes.
• 18:44
  Thank you, Mom. I like going to Chuck E cheese.
• 18:47
  This sort of modeling of behavior is very, very
• 18:50
  important. You need your child to
• 18:53
  understand how to interact in the world in the future.
• 18:57
  If your son, who bitches about Chucky, She's not being perfect.
• 19:01
  Is taken to a birthday dinner by his girlfriend.
• 19:05
  And she says, oh honey, did you like it?
• 19:07
  And he says, well, you know, the appetizers were cold and the
• 19:11
  Ambiance could stand to be improved.
• 19:13
  She's gonna dump his ungrateful ass, I hope or else he's going
• 19:17
  to end up in some sort of crazy codependent relationship with
• 19:20
  her, which will make you cringe every time he treats her like
• 19:23
  garbage. So you want to train your
• 19:26
  children, early to be respectful and appreciative.
• 19:30
  So if you also want to add in by the way, you know, it's
• 19:35
  important for me to do things with you like Chucky Cheese.
• 19:38
  I did not get to do stuff like Chucky Cheese because my parents
• 19:43
  were drinking all the time. So nobody really had Chuck.
• 19:46
  E cheese in their mind. To me.
• 19:48
  I have this vision of Chuck-E-Cheese.
• 19:49
  That involves us having fun if you don't really like it, and
• 19:52
  you don't ever want to go again, that's fine.
• 19:55
  But if you do like it, but you just aren't being nice about
• 19:59
  About it. Then I feel sad because this is
• 20:03
  something that I'm trying to do for you.
• 20:05
  I love you, I value our relationship.
• 20:08
  But if Chuck E cheese is not working out, and if you don't
• 20:11
  like it, to the point that you could Marshall up some
• 20:13
  gratitude, we don't ever have to go again and then you be
• 20:17
  consistent and you stick to that.
• 20:19
  Because as I said, the very worst thing is inconsistency.
• 20:22
  So by using these tips, what you can do is you can be very clear
• 20:27
  with your child very direct. Can open up a bit and share
• 20:31
  about your life and how its impacted your parenting
• 20:34
  including any mistakes about having been too soft or not.
• 20:37
  Having taught them about appropriate ways to respond that
• 20:40
  or nice and you can get them to say nice things to you.
• 20:45
  Because if they don't, then your house starts to work like the
• 20:48
  rest of the world, it's called natural consequences, your house
• 20:52
  starts to be a place. Where if you're not nice to
• 20:54
  people things, don't happen that her nice, you always love them.
• 20:59
  You Feed them, you close them. But if they are not grateful and
• 21:03
  appreciative, then it's. But and this is really, you
• 21:07
  know, especially starting at school age before that, like
• 21:10
  their brains are barely developed.
• 21:11
  You should still inculcate these things in them but they, you
• 21:14
  know, they have less some, they have less impulse control, but
• 21:20
  especially starting at school age and beyond that most
• 21:23
  assuredly. So once they get like 10 11 12,
• 21:27
  they should be polite to you or they do.
• 21:29
  Do not get to do many Privileges and they will learn this very
• 21:33
  quick. Kids are super smart.
• 21:36
  So if this podcast resonated with you share it with your
• 21:39
  parenting partner, if you have one to discuss how you could do
• 21:43
  this differently and how you could make your home and easier
• 21:47
  and calmer place by dealing more effectively, with your
• 21:50
  children's disrespect and owning the fact that your own previous
• 21:55
  policies, and inconsistencies may have led them astray.
• 21:59
  All right, I hope that you enjoyed this and reach out with
• 22:03
  any feedback or any subsequent episode ideas.
• 22:06
  See you later, guys.