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Your Brain Is Always Listening · Candid Coach Conversations

• 0:00
  Good morning and welcome to Candid Coach Conversations.
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  I'm Kimberly, founder of Live Life Fully, and today I'm so excited.
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  I have Tiffanie Hughes with me.
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  She is a certified Live Life Fully coach.
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  And Tiffanie and I have been talking a lot lately about words and the things that we say to ourselves.
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  with words or with stories.
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  And so we've been talking and I thought it'd be great for Tiffanie to jump on here today and share with us what she's hearing and what she's thinking and what she is doing about
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  it in her own life so that she can live her own life more fully.
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  So Tiffanie, welcome today.
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  I'm glad you're here.
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  Thank you for jumping on.
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  Thank you for having me.
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  Yes, absolutely.
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  And so tell us like what do you think is so important about the things that we say to ourselves and the words that we use?
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  I'd love to hear.
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  Well, something I've been learning a lot lately is that words have power, right?
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  Not only with the words that we use towards other people, but also the words that we use for ourselves.
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  And it's something as simple like, man, I'm so stupid.
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  And in fact, you're not stupid.
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  You made a mistake, you are human, right?
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  And so it's also allowing us grace to say, hmm, maybe I'm allowed, right?
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  To give myself permission.
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  I'm allowed to not be perfect.
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  I'm allowed to
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  Be a failure and say, hey, I'm not a failure.
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  This thing didn't work and I'm learning from it.
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  Right?
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  It's not a failure.
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  It is something, a lesson, right?
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  It is something that I can take with me to the next decision.
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  I love that distinction, Tiffanie.
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  I'm not a failure.
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  This thing, whatever it was, didn't work out.
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  Didn't go as planned.
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  Collapsed.
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  Whatever.
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  But that's not about me as a human.
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  Yeah, I love that.
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  it is about you as a human.
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  It's just not who you are as a human, right?
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  Because you are human and so you get to make mistakes.
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  We have free will, we get to try things out.
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  Nothing happened overnight on the first attempt.
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  I mean, I don't think it did.
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  I mean most most things have come through a series of experiences and experiments.
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  so one of the things that I work with a lot with the people that sit on the couch in front of me or on the phone and Zoom.
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  is how do we talk to ourselves and then the powers the the word the power of words and one of my favorite things that I'm using right now uh or one of the words that really makes me
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  cringe is I can't I can't do this I I don't have time for this or I it's it's the I can't thing and I get where it's coming from because it but it also feels very defeatist and
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  I will often correct it in the moment.
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  Let's let's reword that.
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  I don't want to.
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  I don't have to.
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  I'm choosing, right?
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  Um, because I want to take ownership.
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  I want everybody to take ownership of of their time, their energy, and and what their meaning.
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  I love the old ad of fake it till you make it.
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  And I know a lot of people really hate that because on the job training is part of on the job training and you don't know everything and it's okay.
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  I know a lot of times people use it as like, oh yeah, he's some joker coming in trying to do this, trying to do this job.
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  Isn't that how we all are?
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  We're all jokers starting up something until you're not.
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  And that's how you that's how you get better, but it's it's the that's the power that you give it.
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  so when someone says I can't, I said let's let's say that a different way, right?
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  I can't clean the house.
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  Okay.
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  It sounds like you're not prioritizing cleaning the house.
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  It sounds like you're choosing not to clean the house at this moment because other things might have greater priority.
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  I like to call this competing interest.
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  Yes, I've I've heard you say that.
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  Yes, it it is because it is important, right?
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  Cleaning the house is to to to some folks very, very important, right?
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  Is it more important than your health, right?
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  Is it more important than family time?
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  Right?
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  And you get to choose how important is this?
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  And that's something that I hear all the time.
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  People regret I've heard so many people regretting.
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  I put too much energy into making sure the house was perfect and that the dinner was perfect, that they didn't take time with their family.
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  Right.
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  So that's a big one.
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  there are other words, you know, especially the a lot of the self-deprecating.
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  I think self-deprecation can be really funny as a like uncomfortable way of expressing your thoughts.
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  people who have a lot of chronic illness says, I'm just sick again.
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  Oh, well, it sounds like you're experiencing something that requires a lot more from you.
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  And
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  It it's saying well, I didn't think about it that way, right?
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  Someone is always tired.
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  Are you always tired or are you healing?
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  I know that sounds kind of euphemistic, um, but I I would rather live in the world of positive euphemisms than a world of constantly being pessimistic or negative.
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  Yeah, and I love that you brought that up, Tiffanie, for the example you gave of I am tired.
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  And the more we say that, and I've talked about this probably so much, the words that we say is what our brain because y'all, our brain is always listening.
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  And so what we say, that's what our brain hears and starts believing.
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  So I am tired.
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  That's like saying that's your name.
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  It goes back to like, I am sorry.
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  My name is Kimberly.
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  I feel
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  Tired or I feel whatever the feeling is, but rather than I am tired, I feel tired.
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  It does change the way that works in the brain, what the brain believes, and really and truly you will feel less tired when you don't own it as a part of your identity.
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  It's amazing.
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  I think that's part of the kind of fake it till you make it, right?
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  It's one of those have the days that you deserve or have the days that you want.
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  And I can have feelings, right?
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  I can feel tired, I can feel drained, I can feel this.
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  However, is it possible for me to give myself again the grace and permission to say, and I am feeling tired and
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  I'm going to do it anyways.
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  I'm gonna conquer the world and conquer the day and or maybe I'm just gonna brush my teeth.
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  Right.
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  And I think that's another one, right?
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  Is giving yourself permission to take a break.
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  It's giving yourself permission that not everything has to be perfect.
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  Right?
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  What does that look like?
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  And how are we talking about that?
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  Right.
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  If you have your long laundry list of things to do, what can you do?
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  Right?
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  What can't you do?
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  We're not we're not focused on that, right?
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  It's what can you do?
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  And I think that is part of that growth mindset, right?
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  The the the
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  more positively that you're talking to yourself, the more space that you're giving yourself to grow.
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  Right?
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  It's like the the we talked a couple of weeks ago about failure, right?
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  For me, failure is not terminal.
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  Failure is not the end of things.
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  It is this didn't work, and it might have had big consequences, it might have had small consequences.
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  But it is not terminal.
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  It is now I know this doesn't work and this might be a better solution.
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  Yes, it brings me back to this whole notion of is failure even a thing?
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  I do think it's a thing when we don't even start or we don't even try.
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  but man try.
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  Right.
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  Like is it even failure if you don't try it?
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  Yes, that's just a didn't do it.
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  I it's it's so and I have this conversation about failure so often because people do exactly what you said.
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  They they try something, it didn't work or it didn't go as planned and so it's I failed at that.
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  And it's like I I don't even I don't know how that works because I don't know how it's possible to be a failure or to have failed.
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  When you tried.
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  Like, I don't know.
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  Anyway, yes, it matters.
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  Yeah, it it does.
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  And then you also have to think about it, you know, I failed at making the perfect sock when I was learning how to knit.
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  I I and and then I don't knit anymore.
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  Not because I failed, but I just don't I don't have time or I choose not to make time for it.
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  Right?
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  I have I have prioritized other things.
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  And
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  Guess what I did do?
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  I learned how to knit.
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  Right?
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  And I did learn how to make a a scarf, a really good one.
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  So yeah, I I do not like the word failure.
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  I can't.
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  and I'm learning how to not use the word wise, and I'm learning how not to use the word buts when it's not appropriate.
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  and learning how
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  How words can affect the psyche, even sometimes subconsciously.
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  You know, um, I had a story once with my sister, I was talking to my sister once, and she is in her 30s and starting a new journey in life, a healing process.
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  And I'm trying to encourage her to look into coaching because I think this is the language that's going to be better suited for her, um, into the more positive and growth mindset.
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  Right.
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  I do think she has some healing to do, and she is very ambitious, right?
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  She has big ideas and and and big goals.
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  but one of the things that I learned with her is that the word safe is not safe.
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  And you know, as a trauma-informed therapist as well, you have to be very careful the kinds of words that you're not triggering your client into a negative headspace.
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  And
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  What I'm learning with EMDR training and everything as well is the word calm or peace.
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  Right?
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  Peace is something that is achievable.
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  Calm is something that is achievable.
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  So when we think about safe or we think about happy, right?
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  Happy and safe require external environments to be just so, right?
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  They they're external stimulus or elements are expected in order to achieve happiness and safe.
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  But what is not required is calm and peace.
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  Right?
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  These are things we can do in a crowded subway.
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  Right.
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  Right, if you choose to, but you have to learn it, you have to practice it.
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  and this is something I I try to use as well, uh, both in coaching and as a as a therapist, and it it is something that I strive for, right?
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  I learn how to meditate, I I've learned how to to breathe, and I teach others how to do those as well.
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  So calm and peace, right?
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  And I like that you brought up that you've learned how to meditate and to really create your peace and to create your calm.
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  And I'm curious, Tiffanie, by learning that would you say that you have this sense of living life more fully by taking those moments?
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  Absolutely, absolutely.
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  I'm a person of experience.
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  I love life experiences and I love life.
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  And I know that sounds so cliche, but what that means is that I like to incorporate all the nuances in your experiences, right?
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  What does it smell like?
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  What does it taste like?
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  What does it feel like?
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  I really think about the whole body person, the whole body experience.
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  And
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  It's very difficult to enjoy the moment if you're not in that place of calm or in that place of peace, right?
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  Because you will life will pass you by.
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  Right?
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  It you can walk into a room and someone is baking something and maybe you'll smell it, but you don't really get to stop and smell it, right?
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  It's funny that you've bring this specifically up because I love roses, right?
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  I don't love the way they look.
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  They look like any other flower for me.
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  I love the fact that you can smell them, right?
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  That's that that's the one unique thing about some roses.
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  And so I created a garden of roses.
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  And when I'm picking out a rose, I literally pick it out not based on its color, but the way it smells.
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  And it is such an important factor because what is the first thing you do when you pick up a flower?
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  Even if it's a daisy, you smell it.
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  Right.
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  You smell it and I want that experience.
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  So for what purpose do I have to put flowers in my garden that I can't smell?
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  That just it's just preposterous.
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  I wanted to have that experience.
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  And so that's how that is my outlook on life.
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  That's if I'm gonna go to a country, right?
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  I'm gonna travel somewhere.
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  What country am I going to visit?
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  I'm gonna go to the country that no one else has been to, that's untainted, that is a little bit more raw, a little bit more authentic, that is not catering to the tourist,
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  because I want to experience it in its full depth as much as I possibly can.
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  So yes, I picked Estonia over going to Hungary, for instance.
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  Right?
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  It's those kinds of experiences.
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  But what it comes back to what is it that I'm telling myself about that?
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  Right?
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  Because what is important to me is the experience.
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  Right?
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  What am I getting out of this?
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  and I think that's why I like the coaching language so much.
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  And something I, you know, had con had a conversation with you.
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  It's not about the obstacles, right?
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  It's it's also about pushing forward.
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  Right.
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  Obstacles, ah, gone, vanished.
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  Obstacles are just a made-up thing that I've created in order to tell myself I can't.
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  But we don't we don't do that, right?
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  I can do it, I will prioritize, I'm going to, and this is what it looks like.
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  Hmm.
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  Yes, so good.
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  So good.
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  So if you were gonna give people okay, so a couple things you really did mention today are the I can't I made some notes.
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  The I can't, that I'm stupid, that I'm tired,
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  And changing the words from the I can't to I choose or I will or I will not really owning it.
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  And then the I'm stupid, well that's not even true because that's not anybody's name.
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  And if it is somebody's name, go to the courthouse, get a name change, because that is not acceptable.
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  gosh, and so instead of I'm stupid, what is the replacement for that, in your opinion?
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  I mean, I think it depends on what it is that they're trying to claim.
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  Um, you know, in EMDR we talk a lot about negative cognitions, right?
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  It's the thing that we believe about ourselves because bad things have happened.
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  and and so this is, you know, I am unloved, I am not capable, I am all these things, right?
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  That's the negative cognition.
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  And and our job as therapists is to change that cognition.
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  However, you don't have to be an EMDR
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  Of mine in order to get that kind of uh speech.
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  I am going to help you change that language.
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  Are you stupid?
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  What does stupid look like?
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  Describe to me what's stupid.
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  Well, I didn't know.
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  Ah.
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  So you were misinformed or didn't know yet.
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  Yet.
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  Doesn't mean that you don't get to learn it or you don't get to know it.
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  And that is I think that is kind of how I would change it.
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  So if someone just said, I'm just so stupid, really?
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  Hmm.
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  Are you now, right?
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  And I would also question them.
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  How do they feel when their kids say that or when their friends say that?
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  Does that sound true?
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  Okay, so you flip it around to using what Brenda and Brichard would call that role model mindset to would that be acceptable for your children to continue to say over and over?
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  Or a loved one.
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  Not even your children.
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  Anybody, really.
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  Yeah.
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  mean your sister, your brother, your your colleague.
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  Right?
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  The other thing I like about switching that I'm stupid is because what I'm hearing when people say things like that is, dang, I wish I would have done that differently.
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  And so and not making it about the person.
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  Or even flipping it to hmm.
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  Well that didn't work out.
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  I think I'll do it differently next time.
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  Or next time I will, X, Y, Z.
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  And going back to the I'm tired, really saying I feel tired.
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  And not owning it as the as that's who you are as a person.
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  Yeah, and I also want to be careful that, you know, when you're dealing with people who have chronic pain, right?
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  Chronic illness and things like this, these things can debilitate you at times.
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  And I think that you can you can say that, right?
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  Today, this is my limit.
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  These are the things that could limit me.
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  Um, today I need to really focus on my health, but at the end of the day, you also need to look at the reasons for being tired or the reasons for not feeling good.
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  And
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  Are those things holding you back?
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  Or do are there things that in your life that need to be addressed?
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  You know, like hormones.
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  You know, I work with a lot of women who are going through meta perimenopause and menopause and and these are real things that happen and and can feel debilitating.
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  Um is it gonna stop you?
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  Or are you addressing it?
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  And that's something that you can really have a really great job of doing when you're talking with me as a coach, is
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  Okay now, now what?
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  Right.
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  So when can you?
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  When can you achieve these things?
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  And you you hold accountability, and that's a big one.
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  Right.
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  So if you fail, if you are stupid, if you are tired, right, how are you holding those things accountable for yourself?
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  I'm gonna learn more.
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  I'm gonna work on my health.
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  I'm going to do the things that I can to get myself out of that out of that place.
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  So it is about finding meaning and that way forward with the growth mindset.
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  That's what I'm hearing from you.
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  It's finding new meaning and the way forward, growth mindset to experience life and live life more fully.
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  And what I what I think about is with more joy and with more excitement for the day ahead.
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  Yes.
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  Well it's always about what are you getting out of it, right?
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  You're not going just to the doctor, right?
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  I am going to the doctor and I'm gonna find something out.
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  Even if I don't find something out, I'm gonna find out what is not.
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  Right?
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  It doesn't have to always be the negative thing.
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  i it's about the experience, right?
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  I'm not just going to eat, I'm going to have an experience and and and fill my body with nutrition, hopefully nutrition and energy, right?
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  It's sometimes just
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  the perspective and in which you look at it.
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  I have never I wouldn't say never.
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  I rarely struggle with the idea of losing, right?
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  Or going backward.
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  For me it is always, well next time I'll do a little bit better.
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  Right.
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  Next time I'm gonna keep trying.
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  That is that is kind of my innate sense.
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  I and I've had it for a very long time.
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  not that I'm doing everything today that I did twenty years ago, right?
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  but it's always something to find purpose, to find meaning, to find something more.
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  And the way you talk to yourself will absolutely hold you back.
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  Absolutely.
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  So to sum it up, Tiffanie, if you wanted everybody to walk away with one thought or one aha, one belief, if you got to choose that one aha for them, what would that one thing be?
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  perspective.
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  Perspective.
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  It is always about perspective in all things, right?
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  What is your perspective?
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  If if I had to have one word, it's perspective.
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  And I know I'm not I promise you I'm not taking it from Ratatouille.
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  if you've seen the movie through Ratatouille, um it is perspective because it is the lens in which you're choosing to see through.
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  Right?
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  And if you have a muddy lens, all you gotta do is wipe it off.
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  So good.
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  Awesome, Tiffanie.
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  I'm so glad you joined us today.
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  Y'all again, thank you for jumping on and listening to Candid Coach Conversations.
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  Tiffanie, I hope you'll come back again and share some more insight and perspective very soon.
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  All right.
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  Thank you, everybody.
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  We're wishing you a fantastic day.
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  Live life fully and enjoy every moment.
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  Bye.