Latest / The Post-Separation Abuse Podcast / 53. Navigating communication with your controlling ex: The importance of boundaries for breaking the cycle of abuse

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53. Navigating communication with your controlling ex: The importance of boundaries for breaking the cycle of abuse · The Post-Separation Abuse Podcast

• 0:00
  Speaker 1: Hi everyone, thanks for joining me on another episode of the Post-Separation Abuse Podcast.
• 0:05
  Speaker 1: I'm your host, australian separation, divorce and co-parenting coach, danielle Black.
• 0:11
  Speaker 1: The topic of today's podcast is communication with your former partner.
• 0:16
  Speaker 1: Let's get into it.
• 0:17
  Speaker 1: But you didn't have a clue.
• 0:21
  Speaker 1: Baby you thought you knew.
• 0:23
  Speaker 1: But you didn't have a clue.
• 0:28
  Speaker 1: Baby you thought you knew.
• 0:28
  Speaker 1: Hey, I'm Danielle Black and I'm the coach you need if you're dealing with post-separation abuse.
• 0:33
  Speaker 1: I help you make sense of ongoing abusive behaviour after separation and help you take back your power and control.
• 0:40
  Speaker 1: Let's go.
• 0:41
  Speaker 1: You thought you knew, but you didn't have a clue.
• 0:47
  Speaker 1: Let's go.
• 0:54
  Speaker 1: Controlling high conflict people love conflict, both creating it and keeping it going.
• 0:56
  Speaker 1: They can also be skilled at gaslighting DARVO.
• 0:57
  Speaker 1: Darvo meaning deny attack, reverse victim and offender.
• 1:04
  Speaker 1: For more information about DARVO, please listen to episode six of this podcast if you haven't already.
• 1:10
  Speaker 1: So what does all of this mean?
• 1:12
  Speaker 1: One thing it means is that your former partner will twist the narrative in such a way that you might appear to be the aggressor or the cause of all the problems in the conflict, whilst painting themselves as the true victim of the situation and as the reasonable person.
• 1:30
  Speaker 1: When I say that controlling high conflict, people are skilled at doing this.
• 1:34
  Speaker 1: I don't mean that they're evil geniuses.
• 1:36
  Speaker 1: As I've touched on in previous episodes, the vast majority of high conflict controlling people and even personality disordered people are not geniuses.
• 1:46
  Speaker 1: There's no evidence to suggest that these people are any more intelligent on average than the rest of the population.
• 1:53
  Speaker 1: They can appear more intelligent because of their confident facade, the fact that they might display high levels of narcissism and a trait of superiority, and the fact that they can often be pathological liars.
• 2:10
  Speaker 1: They can lie about anything and everything and lack the capacity for emotional empathy when someone isn't thinking of how their actions are going to negatively impact anyone else.
• 2:23
  Speaker 1: Because they don't have the capacity for that level of insight, they will behave in a way that can appear very shocking.
• 2:30
  Speaker 1: They can appear in a way that makes them seem like they're evil.
• 2:34
  Speaker 1: They can behave in a way that makes them seem very strategic and calculating, when really what's going on is that they just have no capacity for empathy.
• 2:43
  Speaker 1: They don't have the ability to put themselves in the metaphorical shoes of another person.
• 2:49
  Speaker 1: They don't have the ability to view their actions from the perspective of somebody else.
• 2:55
  Speaker 1: This means that they can and will behave in ways that are very socially inappropriate and that can be very harmful.
• 3:04
  Speaker 1: This can make someone appear as though they are more intelligent or as though they're more strategic or more cunning or more manipulative, when what is really going on the majority of the time is that they just simply lack the capacity for empathy.
• 3:18
  Speaker 1: They're not evil geniuses.
• 3:19
  Speaker 1: They often don't tend to be very strategic, particularly not with long-term strategy.
• 3:26
  Speaker 1: Controlling high conflict.
• 3:27
  Speaker 1: People will go to almost any lengths to get what they want.
• 3:30
  Speaker 1: They have no problems hurting you or anyone else in the process.
• 3:34
  Speaker 1: So, as I mentioned earlier, what appears to be evil is behavior that is just antisocial in nature as opposed to pro-social.
• 3:43
  Speaker 1: Their behavior is underpinned by problematic thinking, cognitive distortions and social and emotional dysfunction.
• 3:49
  Speaker 1: Controlling abusers tend to have very problematic values, beliefs and attitudes about women and relationships, and this includes believing that they are entitled to certain treatment from you and possibly from others as well, such as children and other immediate family members.
• 4:04
  Speaker 1: In addition to this, they typically don't feel guilt or remorse again, because they feel entitled to behave the way that they do Now.
• 4:12
  Speaker 1: After listening to all of this, you might be thinking, danielle, why on earth would I want to be communicating with a person like this and I agree If you don't share children with a controlling, abusive, perhaps personality disordered former partner, you should not be communicating with that person.
• 4:29
  Speaker 1: Unfortunately, if you share children with that person, you don't have the same luxury the majority of the time.
• 4:35
  Speaker 1: Darvo and bait and switch narratives that paint you as the perpetrator should sometimes be ignored.
• 4:42
  Speaker 1: I know you're likely wondering why on earth you would ever ignore lies and misinformation from your former partner.
• 4:48
  Speaker 1: Your first instinct is likely to defend yourself and to let them know that you know what they're trying to do and that you won't let them get away with it, or to explain yourself repeatedly to try and help them understand.
• 5:00
  Speaker 1: Please know the communication that you're receiving when you're being wrongly painted negatively, when you're being painted as the perpetrator, is a deliberate attempt to create and continue confusion, chaos and conflict that is underpinned by the desire for attention and to gain and maintain power and control over you.
• 5:21
  Speaker 1: Sometimes it can be necessary to address false accusations, depending on their nature.
• 5:26
  Speaker 1: Other times, as I mentioned earlier, it can be better to ignore those false accusations.
• 5:31
  Speaker 1: The main problems with engaging in regular back and forth communication with a controlling former partner are many.
• 5:38
  Speaker 1: One of the main ones is that it simply keeps the communication between you and your former partner, going and going and going, controlling and abusive people tend to thrive on causing conflict, confusion and chaos.
• 5:53
  Speaker 1: They also love having your undivided attention.
• 5:56
  Speaker 1: The more they know that they're getting under your skin, the stronger and more invincible they feel.
• 6:01
  Speaker 1: They want you to believe that they are in control.
• 6:04
  Speaker 1: They want to be the puppet master, the script writer, the director.
• 6:07
  Speaker 1: They want you to be confused, upset, angry, frustrated, overwhelmed, fearful.
• 6:12
  Speaker 1: They want you to play your part so that they can maintain the control that they want and that they believe that they're entitled to.
• 6:19
  Speaker 1: Responding to them, defending yourself, arguing with them, trying to convince them, explaining things to them, attempting repeatedly to calm them down or to placate them, is ultimately you doing exactly what they want you to do.
• 6:33
  Speaker 1: It's keeping the never-ending story going, and they will keep coming back to cause more conflict, more confusion and more chaos if they know that you're going to keep engaging with them.
• 6:45
  Speaker 1: Another reason that engaging in regular back and forth communication is a problem is that it can make you look like you are part of the problem.
• 6:53
  Speaker 1: Continually responding to communication, including accusations, from your former partner, can make you look like you are part of the problem and that you are contributing to the conflict.
• 7:03
  Speaker 1: When this happens in a court setting and some of the back and forth messages are presented to the court, the reality that your controlling former partner is the one causing the conflict can get lost.
• 7:13
  Speaker 1: The reality is that court professionals don't know you or your former partner.
• 7:18
  Speaker 1: They have two people in front of them who are each telling a very different story, but whose story is closer to reality.
• 7:25
  Speaker 1: When court professionals see back and forth message exchanges and when you present as being defensive, you might look like you are part of the problem and your credibility will be undermined.
• 7:36
  Speaker 1: Your experiences of family violence and post-separation abuse can then be undermined.
• 7:41
  Speaker 1: This can then negatively impact your overall court outcome.
• 7:44
  Speaker 1: Another reason that back and forth ongoing communication between you and your former partner is a problem is that it can slow down your healing.
• 7:51
  Speaker 1: Being in a relationship with a controlling and an abusive person can result in lingering trauma.
• 7:57
  Speaker 1: Trauma is not the event that happened to you initially, but rather it's what takes place inside of you as a result of that initial event.
• 8:05
  Speaker 1: Engaging in frequent or lengthy back and forth message exchanges with your ex and not setting and maintaining healthy communication boundaries inevitably provides your ex with an opportunity to continue the abuse, the manipulation, the control, the gaslighting, the bait and switch the darvo, the constant blaming.
• 8:24
  Speaker 1: On and on it goes.
• 8:25
  Speaker 1: This is the equivalent of having a physical wound that is never able to heal, like repeatedly picking off a scab.
• 8:32
  Speaker 1: Your trauma is poked and prodded with every message, every phone call, every face-to-face interaction.
• 8:38
  Speaker 1: Limiting communication and setting a boundary around the type of communication so primarily limiting communication to in writing, preferably on one platform only, with perhaps another method for emergencies can help you to gradually take back your control and soothe your nervous system.
• 8:57
  Speaker 1: Preventing your trauma from healing may lead to ongoing post-traumatic stress disorder or complex post-traumatic stress disorder symptoms.
• 9:07
  Speaker 1: Ptsd and complex PTSD is your body and your nervous system reacting in the present moment the way that it did when the original event occurred.
• 9:17
  Speaker 1: Recurring PTSD tells you that an original trauma wound is still open.
• 9:22
  Speaker 1: This can be described as the fight, flight, freeze, faint or fawn response.
• 9:26
  Speaker 1: It's your survival response.
• 9:28
  Speaker 1: When you're triggered, you may experience things like a racing heart, shortness of breath, feeling the adrenaline rushing through you, feeling hot, having a nervous tummy, being too scared to respond or to react, feeling an overwhelming urge to please your former partner, to comply with their demands or to acquiesce.
• 9:49
  Speaker 1: This is known as the fawn response.
• 9:52
  Speaker 1: Losing track of time, feeling agitated or irritated, feeling pressured to respond immediately, being scared of displeasing or defying your ex, feeling suddenly very tired, having racing thoughts or intrusive thoughts those are some of the things that you might experience if you have symptoms consistent with PTSD or complex PTSD.
• 10:15
  Speaker 1: Not only is experiencing those things repeatedly distressing, it can also severely impact your state of mind, your emotional state, your physical and psychological health.
• 10:26
  Speaker 1: These impacts can then affect your ability to be available to your children in the ways that they need you to be, and can also negatively impact the way that you present to other people and the way that you're perceived.
• 10:38
  Speaker 1: Ongoing PTSD and CPTSD symptoms can also negatively impact your decision making, including your ability to make logical and rational decisions.
• 10:47
  Speaker 1: This is because we lose access to certain areas of our brain when we are in survival mode.
• 10:52
  Speaker 1: Highly traumatized people who experience PTSD, complex PTSD or who have a regularly over-activated nervous system can appear to be hysterical, out of control, over-emotional, irrational and high conflict.
• 11:06
  Speaker 1: Women who present this way to court professionals or in any communication with other people that are shown to the court are in danger of being seen as being part of the problem, or even as being seen as the whole problem.
• 11:19
  Speaker 1: Your former partner may have a narrative that paints you a particular way.
• 11:22
  Speaker 1: Not looking after your mental and emotional health, including your nervous system, can result in you behaving in a way that may lead them to believe your former partner's narrative about you.
• 11:33
  Speaker 1: Not looking after your emotional and mental health also has the potential to negatively impact your children and their emotional well-being.
• 11:40
  Speaker 1: You're not to blame for your trauma, but you are the only one who can do anything about it.
• 11:46
  Speaker 1: It's your job to maintain your boundaries around communication and to keep out of the conflict as much as humanly possible.
• 11:53
  Speaker 1: As the saying goes, never wrestle with a pig.
• 11:56
  Speaker 1: You both get dirty, but the pig likes it.
• 12:00
  Speaker 1: So to recap on why it's important to avoid engaging in regular back and forth communication with your former partner.
• 12:07
  Speaker 1: Number one it keeps the communication going and going and going and going and going.
• 12:13
  Speaker 1: You don't get a break.
• 12:14
  Speaker 1: They get to maintain control and it keeps you stuck in that back and forth dynamic.
• 12:18
  Speaker 1: This can then lead to you looking like you are part of the problem.
• 12:23
  Speaker 1: That's something that we often see with victim survivors of family violence who end up navigating the court system when there's been regular back and forth communication exchanges.
• 12:34
  Speaker 1: That then just makes it so much more likely that the court and court professionals are simply going to dismiss what's going on in your case as being two people who are both part of the problem and who are both going to dismiss what's going on in your case as being two people who are both part of the problem and who are both contributing to the problem, when what we really want the court and court professionals to see is that your former partner has engaged in family violence and is still perpetrating post-separation abuse.
• 12:58
  Speaker 1: We don't want you looking like you're part of the problem.
• 13:01
  Speaker 1: Regular back and forth communication with your former partner can also slow down your healing.
• 13:06
  Speaker 1: So, as I mentioned that, back and forth communication, frequent messages back and forth, not having healthy boundaries, means that you are constantly dealing with manipulation, control, gaslighting, davo, blaming, etc.
• 13:21
  Speaker 1: Before responding to any message from your former partner, it's important to carefully assess whether a response is actually necessary.
• 13:28
  Speaker 1: If it is, it's important to assess whether a response is genuinely needed right away.
• 13:33
  Speaker 1: The reality is that the majority of situations will not be truly urgent, despite whether or not your ex thinks that they are.
• 13:41
  Speaker 1: My advice for anything that's not genuinely urgent is to wait at least 24 hours before responding.
• 13:48
  Speaker 1: You might like to draft a responding message in, perhaps, the notes section of your phone and come back to it later to reassess when you're no longer feeling as heightened or as triggered.
• 13:59
  Speaker 1: Obviously, there are some messages that will need to be responded to promptly, for example, if they're relating to care arrangements that are set to occur that same day or the following day, or if there's communication relating to one of the kids and the kids are currently in your former partner's care.
• 14:17
  Speaker 1: That's the sort of communication that may need addressing promptly.
• 14:20
  Speaker 1: But the majority of communication that you get from a controlling former partner is not usually urgent and does not usually need your immediate time and attention.
• 14:31
  Speaker 1: Putting boundaries in place where that's concerned is very important, not only for you starting to take back your power and control, but also for your healing journey.
• 14:42
  Speaker 1: I've mentioned in previous episodes that I don't recommend taking an overall grey rock approach to the communication with your former partner.
• 14:51
  Speaker 1: That's a strategy that's often recommended by people if there's a concern that your former partner has a personality disorder.
• 15:00
  Speaker 1: As you might remember me discussing in other episodes, the reality is that the vast majority of abusive men do not have a personality disorder, and taking the approach of grey rock communication can have negative consequences for your case if things progress to court.
• 15:17
  Speaker 1: I also think it's important to be wary of using canned responses so example responses that you get from professionals or from websites to respond to communication from your ex, particularly when you're still dealing with trauma.
• 15:33
  Speaker 1: When you're regularly being triggered by communication with your former partner, your ability to see your situation from the viewpoint of a core professional is compromised and that may lead you to communicate in a way that will ultimately paint you in a negative light.
• 15:51
  Speaker 1: Responding to messages from former partners is something that I support my clients with, to the point that I have some clients who will take screenshots of communication, send it through to me and I will assist them to draft an appropriate response.
• 16:04
  Speaker 1: Over time, those particular clients become a lot more skilled at responding appropriately to the communication, both with the content that they're using and also the timeframe of responding, with the online community that I've created.
• 16:19
  Speaker 1: That's a community that's open to my coaching package clients and example messages to deal with things such as accusations, aggressive messages from a former partner, harassment from a former partner, overstepping of boundaries and requests for increased or different parenting time.
• 16:53
  Speaker 1: There are examples in this resource hub that my clients have access to that they can tailor to suit the message that they've received.
• 17:03
  Speaker 1: These are communication prompts that have been carefully crafted by me, and I support my clients to use those in a way that's appropriate and in a way that is far less likely to negatively impact their case.
• 17:18
  Speaker 1: If communication with your former partner is something that you're struggling with, I can help.
• 17:23
  Speaker 1: At the time of recording this, I'm still providing free 30-minute discovery calls that can be easily booked via my website, danielleblackcoachingcomau, or you can simply and easily book one-off consultations via my website if you'd like to get a jump start on working with me.
• 17:43
  Speaker 1: One-on-one Communication is something that does need to be carefully handled with a controlling and abusive former partner, especially if you're in the court system or if you think that you might one day end up in the court system, particularly if there are disagreements with parenting arrangements.
• 18:00
  Speaker 1: Communication with your ex does get better over time when you've got the right support in place and healthy boundaries.
• 18:09
  Speaker 1: Again, if this is something that you need support with, I can help.
• 18:13
  Speaker 1: Thank you so much for your time.
• 18:15
  Speaker 1: I'll talk to you soon.