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Trust Yourself Thursday 4/7: When Trust is Tested, Interview with Darcel Dillard-Suite · Dr. Derek H. Suite MD - The SuiteSpot

• 0:07
  SPEAKER_00: Okay now.
• 0:08
  SPEAKER_00: Welcome.
• 0:09
  SPEAKER_00: Welcome back to the sweet spot, everyone.
• 0:13
  SPEAKER_00: This is Trust Yourself Thursday.
• 0:17
  SPEAKER_00: And you're in a series here in the Sweet Spot, a great series.
• 0:21
  SPEAKER_00: I know you're having fun because I know I am.
• 0:24
  SPEAKER_00: I'm Dr.
• 0:24
  SPEAKER_00: Derek Sweet.
• 0:25
  SPEAKER_00: I'm a born certified psychiatrist, but I'm hanging out here with my wife, Darcell.
• 0:29
  SPEAKER_00: Darcell Dylan Sweet.
• 0:32
  SPEAKER_00: Darcelle has been my partner and my soulmate in life for so long.
• 0:36
  SPEAKER_00: Darcell, welcome.
• 0:38
  SPEAKER_00: Thank you for having me.
• 0:39
  SPEAKER_01: Thank you.
• 0:39
  SPEAKER_01: Thank you.
• 0:40
  SPEAKER_00: Absolutely.
• 0:41
  SPEAKER_00: It's been fun having you here on the sweet spot.
• 0:44
  SPEAKER_00: We've been just sort of shooting the breeze about the sweet spot and talking about the themes of the sweet spot.
• 0:52
  SPEAKER_00: And all week long, we talked about different themes.
• 0:55
  SPEAKER_00: Monday, we talked about making a move.
• 0:58
  SPEAKER_00: Tuesday, we talked about taking action.
• 1:02
  SPEAKER_00: Yesterday, with it all Wednesday, Wisdom on Wednesday, we talked about what winning is all about.
• 1:08
  SPEAKER_00: And today, Darcell, I'd love to spend a few minutes with you talking about trust.
• 1:12
  SPEAKER_00: Today is Trust Yourself Thursday.
• 1:15
  SPEAKER_00: And the reason I came up with the idea of Trust Yourself Thursday is that winning, making your move, and taking actions are all based on having a level of trust.
• 1:28
  SPEAKER_00: We go through this world based on trust.
• 1:33
  SPEAKER_00: We have to trust our parents, our caregivers, we have to trust our friends, colleagues, we have to trust the universe.
• 1:42
  SPEAKER_00: When we step out there, we have to trust that we can come home safely.
• 1:46
  SPEAKER_00: And increasingly, this world challenges trust.
• 1:52
  SPEAKER_00: You only have to turn the TV on right now.
• 1:55
  SPEAKER_00: And you could be really afraid to trust and not know what to trust and how and where to trust.
• 2:05
  SPEAKER_00: So coming back to self-trust and figuring it out is what we want to spend a few minutes with today.
• 2:12
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm going to ask you, because I find you to be an extremely trusting person.
• 2:17
  SPEAKER_00: You're extremely caring.
• 2:19
  SPEAKER_00: I know you.
• 2:32
  SPEAKER_00: Because sometimes I tell you that, Justin, I think you're too trusting.
• 2:36
  SPEAKER_00: But maybe I'm wrong on that, you know.
• 2:38
  SPEAKER_00: Is there such a thing as too trusting?
• 2:41
  SPEAKER_01: I would have to say yes.
• 2:43
  SPEAKER_01: I think that as you grow older, you know, you think about a child, a baby.
• 2:48
  SPEAKER_01: I might just spend a little time with my niece, and she's just one year old.
• 2:53
  SPEAKER_01: She is trusting that her father's gonna hold her.
• 2:56
  SPEAKER_01: She's trusting that when I pick her up, I'm not gonna drop her.
• 2:59
  SPEAKER_01: There's a lot as a child that you begin to develop trust issues that you're not gonna fall, that they're gonna feed you, they're gonna pick you up when you cry.
• 3:10
  SPEAKER_01: So we learn in these very informative years how to trust.
• 3:16
  SPEAKER_01: So therefore, I was a really big truster as a child.
• 3:21
  SPEAKER_01: I always knew they were gonna pick me up.
• 3:23
  SPEAKER_01: They always were gonna feed me.
• 3:24
  SPEAKER_01: I never had to worry about someone not picking me up from school.
• 3:28
  SPEAKER_01: There was a system in place that took care of Darcell.
• 3:32
  SPEAKER_01: So overly trusting can become an issue because when your world is built around a system where it just holds you, you have confidence in that system.
• 3:45
  SPEAKER_01: But as you grow older, Dr.
• 3:47
  SPEAKER_01: Sweet, that unraveling of trust that we see in our America today, that unraveling of trust that you might meet as a college grad or a college student who had friends that talk behind your back when you trust them with your biggest secret.
• 4:06
  SPEAKER_01: Look at social media.
• 4:07
  SPEAKER_01: You trust that guy to take a picture of you, he blasted it all over the place, and now everybody can see what you didn't want them to see because he shared it.
• 4:17
  SPEAKER_01: So we have, I think, a world now where overtrusting has such awful consequences, it's painful, it's really hard.
• 4:29
  SPEAKER_01: So, yeah, there is something to be said about trusting too much in a society or in a friend circle or in a tribe or even in a family that throws you a monkey wrench.
• 4:42
  SPEAKER_01: You gotta be able to figure out sometimes to be more guarded.
• 4:46
  SPEAKER_01: And I've learned that later in life, that I do need to question more.
• 4:50
  SPEAKER_01: You say this to me all the time.
• 4:52
  SPEAKER_01: Research it, test it.
• 4:54
  SPEAKER_01: Sometimes you have to test it before you can trust it.
• 4:59
  SPEAKER_00: Wow.
• 5:00
  SPEAKER_00: Darsa, how do you do this?
• 5:02
  SPEAKER_00: Every time I have a question for you, and I live with you, I get to talk to you every day, and I still feel like I'm uh in a classroom and I'm getting these this this amazing instruction.
• 5:14
  SPEAKER_00: Test it before you trust it.
• 5:15
  SPEAKER_00: I like that, I do like that.
• 5:18
  SPEAKER_00: I really do.
• 5:19
  SPEAKER_00: I feel because as a Christian, being in this Christian world, it's just so difficult because we're taught to trust and not lean not to your own understanding and trust God and all that.
• 5:31
  SPEAKER_00: And and listen, I love the Lord, and obviously, I we we both do.
• 5:36
  SPEAKER_00: And and and just as we mature, we learn that, you know, okay, yeah, we should be trusting, but keep your eyes open, right?
• 5:46
  SPEAKER_00: When you think about the word of God saying, trust in God and lean not on your own understanding and put all your trust there.
• 5:55
  SPEAKER_00: I can I could rock with that, I I could flow with that a bit, right?
• 5:59
  SPEAKER_00: But I gotta tell you, David in the Bible had to fight off lions and bears and tigers, and he had to uh kill Goliath.
• 6:08
  SPEAKER_00: So to me, there are moments in the real world where that trust has to be, as you say, you have to test before you trust.
• 6:19
  SPEAKER_00: And there are places where you just do not trust or put your trust, right?
• 6:24
  SPEAKER_00: Even this whole idea of trusting God, maybe don't put your trust in man, don't put your trust in things, don't put your trust in in anyone, because in some ways, I have an attorney, one of our attorneys, listen, I remember I was going through some legal stuff.
• 6:39
  SPEAKER_00: I remember my attorney turned to me one day and he said to me, Derek, trust no one.
• 6:48
  SPEAKER_00: And it kind of stuck with me, and it was in a vulnerable point when I was definitely really feeling betrayed, super betrayed.
• 6:58
  SPEAKER_00: And when you hear something like that, trust no one, in the middle of being betrayed, it made sense, and I've had to work not to make that a rule, not to make it a rule.
• 7:14
  SPEAKER_01: You were testing the trust, yeah.
• 7:17
  SPEAKER_01: And we do have to test the trust.
• 7:19
  SPEAKER_01: We can't always just walk out there and just believe that it's gonna be okay.
• 7:22
  SPEAKER_01: You want to believe.
• 7:24
  SPEAKER_01: Listen, you were talking about the biblical background that we both have, and many out there listening have also, like I said, whatever you believe in.
• 7:32
  SPEAKER_01: But there is also a phrase and a notion around yield not to temptation.
• 7:38
  SPEAKER_01: So sometimes, even that temptation, do you really trust going?
• 7:44
  SPEAKER_01: Should you?
• 7:44
  SPEAKER_01: Should you not?
• 7:47
  SPEAKER_01: Just the bare definition of the word temptation.
• 7:51
  SPEAKER_01: So we're tempted to always trust, I'll put it that way.
• 7:55
  SPEAKER_01: But if we don't even test the temptation, I got another one for you.
• 8:02
  SPEAKER_01: That also is a whole different mindset of not stepping into the danger zone.
• 8:08
  SPEAKER_01: There's a chair in our house that you probably don't even know about.
• 8:11
  SPEAKER_01: It was in the basement.
• 8:13
  SPEAKER_01: It has one weak leg.
• 8:16
  SPEAKER_01: And I needed to stand on something last night to get some height because I'm not that tall, as you know.
• 8:23
  SPEAKER_01: So I pulled this thing out and I looked at the leg and I remember this thing is compromised, it looks good, but I was so tempted to put it on the floor and step onto it and take the chance.
• 8:43
  SPEAKER_01: And you know what stopped me from doing that?
• 8:46
  SPEAKER_01: I realized if I break my neck and get on this thing and have you come down these steps and find me on the floor when you knew I knew that there's a possibility of it not being able to hold my weight, you would look at me and say, Where's your logic?
• 9:02
  SPEAKER_01: So testing the temptation, I was tempted, but I had to test the consequences and think about it.
• 9:09
  SPEAKER_01: So yeah, I didn't want to trust it.
• 9:12
  SPEAKER_01: I wanted to trust it, but I should not have trusted.
• 9:15
  SPEAKER_01: And I think life gives us these moments.
• 9:17
  SPEAKER_01: This was a moment with a little silly chair, but there are moments that we deal with people, some shady folks out there.
• 9:25
  SPEAKER_01: You can't trust yeah.
• 9:27
  SPEAKER_00: I feel like this is a very real conversation because I didn't want to get up here on Trust Yourself Thursday and just talk about all this flowery stuff about trust.
• 9:37
  SPEAKER_00: It's rugged, it's difficult.
• 9:39
  SPEAKER_00: It's hard to rebuild trust once it's lost.
• 9:42
  SPEAKER_00: Let's say trying to put toothpaste back into the tube.
• 9:45
  SPEAKER_00: It's not that easy.
• 9:46
  SPEAKER_00: But yet it's still we're called to do that, even when we're betrayed based on our faith, is to find a way to trust again.
• 9:54
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe we won't go down the same path.
• 9:58
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe we we we'd have our eyes open, but we would still have love in our heart.
• 10:04
  SPEAKER_00: I think love has to be in there, but with wisdom, knowing how to proceed, right?
• 10:10
  SPEAKER_00: Knowing how to proceed.
• 10:11
  SPEAKER_00: Because I feel as if when I've been betrayed, and I've and and I've always been surprised, you never get betrayed by people you don't like or people who don't really matter to you.
• 10:22
  SPEAKER_00: It's always the person that you would never suspect, never dream could possibly do that.
• 10:30
  SPEAKER_00: And that's in literature too.
• 10:32
  SPEAKER_00: It's always the person closest to you, right?
• 10:34
  SPEAKER_00: You know, Iago or Judas or whoever it is, Brutus, whatever, you know, these characters, they all are folks that are close.
• 10:47
  SPEAKER_00: And so as we think about trust, I also think that trust involves risk.
• 10:53
  SPEAKER_00: And it's a risk that you have to take.
• 10:55
  SPEAKER_00: You can't not, you especially when you're a baby, you started this conversation off from being a baby.
• 11:00
  SPEAKER_00: When you're a baby, you have no choice, right?
• 11:01
  SPEAKER_00: You kind of like, you have to.
• 11:03
  SPEAKER_00: You have to pray that the person throwing you up in the air is gonna not withdraw their hands or do stuff, right?
• 11:10
  SPEAKER_00: So there's that.
• 11:11
  SPEAKER_00: But as you said, as you grow up into the world, you you it's about testing that trust, what to do, what not to do.
• 11:17
  SPEAKER_00: And also vice versa.
• 11:19
  SPEAKER_00: Your trust gets tested too.
• 11:22
  SPEAKER_00: And when it doesn't work out, and when the trust is broken, that's when we see who we really are.
• 11:29
  SPEAKER_00: That's when we see what we're made of.
• 11:32
  SPEAKER_00: Because I know when my trust is broken, it's really hard for me to forgive.
• 11:38
  SPEAKER_00: I have to really work hard to forgive.
• 11:41
  SPEAKER_00: I'm very pleasant, I try to be really cool, but it I have to do a lot of work to close that gap and that wound.
• 11:48
  SPEAKER_00: And they always say, forgiveness is for you, it's not for the other person.
• 11:53
  SPEAKER_00: But it takes work.
• 11:54
  SPEAKER_01: It takes work, it does take work, and that's part of the fabric of life, right?
• 11:59
  SPEAKER_01: Trusting ourselves enough to even do the work.
• 12:03
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, yeah.
• 12:04
  SPEAKER_00: Have you ever been in a situation?
• 12:06
  SPEAKER_00: I don't need you to call names or anything, right?
• 12:08
  SPEAKER_00: But I wanted to ask you this question as we close out here on Trust Yourself Thursday.
• 12:12
  SPEAKER_00: And I love the fact that we're not trying to give solutions here, we're just trying to grapple with trust.
• 12:17
  SPEAKER_00: Have you ever been in a situation, Darcell, where you lost trust with somebody and then you regained it and it was better after you came back?
• 12:29
  SPEAKER_00: Like, oh, or maybe you never had that scenario because some people, you know, they're never able to get back.
• 12:34
  SPEAKER_00: But I'm wondering if you can think of a time when maybe you lost trust with somebody and then you regained the trust with them, and it turned out to be better, and that there was a lesson learned, and that you saw something, or no.
• 12:50
  SPEAKER_00: It's okay if it's a no, because we ain't got to make nothing up here.
• 12:53
  SPEAKER_01: Well, I have both scenarios.
• 12:55
  SPEAKER_01: I have those where, and I hate to say those because there's more than one where the trust was broken, and then we go back and things do get better.
• 13:02
  SPEAKER_01: But even in the betterment, even when you're saying it's okay, you always have a threat of caution because you've been bruised.
• 13:13
  SPEAKER_01: And remember with scars, I love I used to do a workshop where I used to crumble up a piece of paper.
• 13:18
  SPEAKER_01: And no matter how you uncrumple it and spread it out, it has wrinkles all in it, Dr.
• 13:24
  SPEAKER_01: Sweet.
• 13:25
  SPEAKER_01: Those are the scars.
• 13:26
  SPEAKER_01: So when we have a trust issue, we're scarred.
• 13:29
  SPEAKER_01: So we're not gonna actually have that perfection of a clean slate and a smooth piece of paper again, and that's that memory, right?
• 13:37
  SPEAKER_01: So, yeah, I've had those relationships where I still remember, and that's the backbone resilience to make sure I don't get hurt again.
• 13:46
  SPEAKER_01: That's the one scenario.
• 13:47
  SPEAKER_01: The second scenario is you get the trust, they break it again.
• 13:52
  SPEAKER_01: They hurt you again.
• 13:53
  SPEAKER_01: I've been in scenarios where I've done a dance of hurt and hurt and hurt and hurt and hurt, and and then you wake up and say, What am I boo-boo the fool?
• 14:06
  SPEAKER_01: When am I gonna get out of this?
• 14:08
  SPEAKER_01: This is on me.
• 14:09
  SPEAKER_01: This is on me now.
• 14:10
  SPEAKER_01: What what am I getting out of this constantly getting hurt and just stepping right back in the ring?
• 14:16
  SPEAKER_00: Hey Dustin, I'm gonna tell you right now, nobody has ever heard about Boo-Boo the Fool on the sweet spot.
• 14:21
  SPEAKER_00: This is probably the first time we heard about Boo Boo the Fool, okay?
• 14:25
  SPEAKER_00: But I get it.
• 14:26
  SPEAKER_01: Well, listen, we can learn from Boo Boo the Fool.
• 14:29
  SPEAKER_01: So I had so I had to learn from my foolishness of not loving myself enough to take that step back.
• 14:38
  SPEAKER_01: And there has to be a stop zone.
• 14:41
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, and that's what I think about trust, and it's and really it's trust yourself, Thursday.
• 14:46
  SPEAKER_00: We've talked about broken trust in the relationships, but really the first relationship has to be back with the self.
• 14:53
  SPEAKER_00: And if you've been betrayed or you've been hurt, it it does take time to heal.
• 15:00
  SPEAKER_00: And that that, as you said, it's like crumbling up the paper or trying to put the toothpaste back in the toothpaste container.
• 15:07
  SPEAKER_00: It's not going to be the same.
• 15:08
  SPEAKER_00: We there can be a beauty about rekindling and forgiveness, and and absolutely we must it.
• 15:14
  SPEAKER_00: It's part of our own growth.
• 15:16
  SPEAKER_00: Because if you hold on to distrust in the body, there are biological, psychological, even social, and maybe even spiritual ramifications about holding on to distrust.
• 15:28
  SPEAKER_00: But that does not mean that we don't have to be wise, right?
• 15:32
  SPEAKER_00: And careful and and and build differently.
• 15:35
  SPEAKER_00: We did just did a series about how pressure changes you.
• 15:39
  SPEAKER_00: And one of the things we realize is that you're different after the betrayal.
• 15:46
  SPEAKER_00: And that's okay if you're slower to warm up, if you don't know, if you're testing things before you go.
• 15:53
  SPEAKER_00: That's not, you're not being paranoid.
• 15:56
  SPEAKER_00: You're being wise, you're being discerning.
• 15:58
  SPEAKER_00: And you have a right to be that way.
• 16:00
  SPEAKER_00: The key, I think, is what I try to develop in my life, and I've been really disappointed in some folks, is not to make it so that nobody else can come in the door.
• 16:11
  SPEAKER_00: Not to make a rule that I trust absolutely.
• 16:13
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, I love my attorney because he's right in a way, he's kind of right, trust no one, but I actually don't want to live my life that way.
• 16:21
  SPEAKER_00: I have to take the risk again.
• 16:23
  SPEAKER_00: I have to take the risk again.
• 16:25
  SPEAKER_00: But I may be able to better see the signs of when things are not going a certain way, and don't be to use the term boo-boo the fool, and try to understand if something is going so.
• 16:38
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe I'm now better.
• 16:39
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe I learned through these betrayals how to be a more discerning person, still loving and caring and kind, but trusting myself now to make better decisions on trust yourself Thursday.
• 16:51
  SPEAKER_01: Well, you you summed it up nicely, you did.
• 16:54
  SPEAKER_01: And I'll just end today with just telling everyone just guard your heart.
• 16:58
  SPEAKER_01: You gotta have that shield of protection in the trust zone.
• 17:02
  SPEAKER_01: And there's nothing wrong with that, Dr.
• 17:04
  SPEAKER_01: Sweet.
• 17:04
  SPEAKER_01: So we just got to guard our hearts.
• 17:06
  SPEAKER_00: Amen, Darcell.
• 17:07
  SPEAKER_00: All right.
• 17:08
  SPEAKER_00: Well, listen, this has been a wonderful sweet spot here on Trust Yourself Thursday.
• 17:13
  SPEAKER_00: Darcell, thank you again for sharing your wisdom.
• 17:16
  SPEAKER_00: Thank you again for joining us and dropping by just to chop it up here uh on the sweet spot.
• 17:25
  SPEAKER_00: Um, tomorrow is Friday, and it's not just any Friday here on the Sweet Spot.
• 17:29
  SPEAKER_00: We call it Finish Strong Friday.
• 17:32
  SPEAKER_00: And I know you know a thing or two about finishing strong.
• 17:37
  SPEAKER_00: And would you be willing to share some of those uh nuggets with us tomorrow?
• 17:40
  SPEAKER_00: I will see everybody tomorrow.
• 17:42
  SPEAKER_00: Sounds good, my love.
• 17:44
  SPEAKER_00: I'll see you tomorrow then.