Latest / The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten / Yes You Can Improve Your Partner's Life, Although You Can't Entirely Change Their Personality

Transcript

Yes You Can Improve Your Partner's Life, Although You Can't Entirely Change Their Personality · The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten

• 0:05
  Hi everybody. Welcome to the dr.
• 0:07
  Psych mom show. Today, we are going to be
• 0:10
  talking about how if you transform your spouse's life
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  than yours, really, May transform as well.
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  And what does this mean in the era of, you know, codependency
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  being so terrible? And everybody's supposed to be
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  out for themselves and nobody can impact anybody.
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  And you know what, I think about those sorts of ideas, but we
• 0:30
  will, we will go into how in fact, you can impact other
• 0:33
  people shock of Shocks. And why you should try to before
• 0:38
  that, please do subscribe. My most recent episode is why
• 0:40
  your wife doesn't like when you drink.
• 0:42
  And I have about 80 episodes that are subscriber.
• 0:45
  Only also follow me on Tick, Tock if you haven't, and follow
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  me on YouTube, and my secret Facebook group, follow that to
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• 0:56
  where people talk to each other about issues that have to do
• 0:59
  with stuff that we talk about here, like, relationships,
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  family, Etc. So what do I mean by transform
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  your spouse's life? So what is the thing that your
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  spouse most hates about their life?
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  I mean, like, what are their frustrations?
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  What do they tell? You would be transformative, do
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  not even have these discussions because if you don't, what are
• 1:20
  you doing? You should be.
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  You should be having these kinds of discussions because otherwise
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  you're going to wait and end up having to have them in couples
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  counseling and paid to have deep conversations with your spouse,
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  which is, you know, not where you want to be.
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  So, the point is, You should know what is transformative to
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  your spouse. So let me give you some
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  examples. For some people, it's having a
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  different house. Renovating the house, having a
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  beach house. Do I really think these things
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  are all going to be transformative for the person?
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  No, I don't. I mean, you know, honestly like
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  studies show that in six months, after either paralysis literally
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  becoming a quadriplegic or winning the lottery, your
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  Baseline level. Go of happy, goes back to what
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  it was before the event. So, So so in terms of something
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  very bad or very good happening generally we go back to our
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  Baseline levels of whatever happiness was before.
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  However, it does this mean that human beings do not seek to
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  improve their condition as a Mainstay of what it is to be a
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  person know people try to transform their lives in this
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  doesn't mean that life changes. Do not have some impact, they
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  do, you know? I mean, you may be kind of more
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  satisfied being Normal semi depressed self in your beach
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  house than in your regular house.
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  That's true. You know, Ivy, there may be some
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  more fulfillment, that things aren't just about being happy,
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  you know, like, reading your happiness on a likert scale at
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  any given moment from 127. Like they're also fulfillment
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  the achievement of dreams and goals.
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  So let's go back to what some options are.
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  I just wanted to get out of the way.
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  The person that's like that renovating, that kitchens not
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  going to make her happy. Yeah.
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  Well, you know what? She may be?
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  Happier with you. She may not be happier but she
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  may be happier with you. And that is that that's the
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  point of where I'm going after my examples.
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  So stop interrupting me, people with all those questions.
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  Anyway, so another thing sex, I just did a podcast, literally
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  titled you could get laid once more per week, and it's not
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  going to change anything, but does your husband think it will
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  fuck. Yes, he definitely does.
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  So having more sex, definitely is something that men generally
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  or women. Or the lower libido.
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  Spouse think will make them happier.
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  Having a more romantic relationship.
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  Going out on more dates, talking to each other more, all of these
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  things. Now again really you got to
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  discriminate the are these things going to cure some of
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  these intractable depression. Know are they going to make your
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  type a spouse into somebody who's just really chillaxed
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  know, are they going to be happier with you though?
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  If you're the one who makes this shit happen?
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  Yes. As I say to a lot of people, you
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  know, every woman with Session and, you know, women have higher
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  rates of depression than men but men get depressed too as
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  obviously I've discussed. But so I say you know, your wife
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  may be depressed, but that doesn't mean that she's unhappy
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  with you. She doesn't have to be unhappy
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  with you. I got plenty of people that
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  struggle with depression but they think their spouses.
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  All right, at least not exacerbating any problems.
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  So if you have been kind of coasting because your spouse,
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  you generally think it's kind of a miserable person anyway, and
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  they're going to be unhappy, no matter.
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  What you do, or they're the kind of person who always wants more
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  and more and more out of life and they're not going to be
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  happy with anything, they yeah you may be right, but they may
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  be happy with you you know and then they move their focus to
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  something else. So there's plenty of depressed
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  women who are happy with their spouses you know?
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  Of course as a main effect depression is going to make
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  marriages more unhappy, but there are still women that are
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  depressed that are okay with their husband, you know?
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  And they're like, okay, well, he's trying to help me doesn't
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  really help me but he's trying to help me.
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  Me, you know, and it's not his fault.
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  That's a good place to be when you're married to a depressed
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  person. Similarly there's women.
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  Married two guys who want more and more and more and more and
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  more out of life, but the guy doesn't blame them.
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  The guy sees them as as colluding and helping the man,
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  achieve his goals. And you know, what he is, having
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  the amount of sex he wants to have and so therefore does his
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  whole personality changed know but does he move to a different
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  goal and not perseverate on the marriage being?
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  Thus Source of all of his ills. Yes.
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  So he goes and runs a marathon. He had sex with her a few times
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  a week. Okay, fine, that's fine.
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  Guess what? It didn't transform my life but
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  she's trying. So, you know, what could
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  transform my life, I'm going to get in a best fucking shape of
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  my life at age. 45 sound familiar.
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  Yes. Because many men act like this
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  so, you know, but is he unhappy with his marriage then?
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  No. So if you try to transform your
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  spouse's Life by doing what you can do by, Facilitating.
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  What you can? Facilitate, they may be very
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  happy with you. But yes, remain having their
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  personality think about it like this.
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  If you don't believe me, does your spouse at the same with all
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  your children? Know, there's some children
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  were, even if your spouse is pretty annoying irritating, in
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  whatever way has high standards has low standards, whatever your
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  problem is, are they equally as do they parents all children
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  equally certainly not so, who are they better with?
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  The kid that somehow is better with them.
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  So if they are very laid-back then it's the laid-back kid.
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  If they are very you know intense than it's the kid who
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  has 25 Hobbies, you know, whatever.
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  Like there's some kid that you are spouse parents better.
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  If you have only one child, think about all of your extended
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  family, are they the same with every human?
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  Obviously not. So there are ways for even your
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  spouse. Who's personality, may not be a
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  walk through the park. Not that yours is but there's
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  people that They're better with. Why don't you be one of those
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  people, right? I mean they only have so much
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  that they could change and their personality, but they could be
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  happy with you and then they could turn their attention to
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  something else. So if you are a wife, let's say
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  really, really wants a beach house and you got the money for
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  a beach house, but you're just kind of being a dick because
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  you're like, you know what? So I'm going to buy another
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  house for us not to have sex and you know, like that's how it
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  would kind of go once you're feeling agitated and bitter and
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  everything, then you start to have these To conversations in
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  your head, hopefully only in your head but you start to make
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  snarky remarks, uh, even say that while you may think that
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  once a pretty good joke, it's not.
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  So let's say she really wants to beach house and then you are an
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  obstruction to this. Because despite having the money
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  to do it, despite actually thinking about be a pretty good
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  idea. You're just like, fuck you, you
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  don't do anything for me. Why should I do it?
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  You know, for you if this is who you are, how is your marriage
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  ever going to improve? Whereas if you actually tried to
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  say, you know what, she Works really hard.
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  So do I she wants this thing. She's always wanted a beach
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  house. This was a thing since she was a
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  little girl, etcetera. Etc.
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  I'm going to give it to her. I'm going to say you know what,
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  you really want the beach house, I'm gonna make it happen.
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  So you make the beach house happen, she is going to be
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  happier with you. In most situations, there are
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  some situations where we are on the precipice of divorce and
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  it's just one more asset to divide, but that's not a good
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  way to think about it, right? Because in the majority of cases
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  a person can really Tell if you have a genuine desire to make
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  them happy and to transform their life in whatever way you
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  can. So the same thing with sex,
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  which is obviously the hot button issue in such a common
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  problem that I discuss it Ad nauseam, right?
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  If you if your husband is constantly saying that his life
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  would be so different if he was able to touch you randomly.
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  So, you know, I understand what it is to be a highly sensitive
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  person, but if you can get to, where he can come up, And give
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  you a hug and a kiss during the day, maybe really he's going to
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  feel a lot better, you know. And then is he going to turn
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  into this wonderful calm person where everything is transformed
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  in his life, completely? No.
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  But the relationship may be transformed because of your
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  effort and if you ask if I've seen that, yes, you know, like I
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  have seen people have enough sex.
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  Yes. And it isn't because the person
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  gives them one more. You know.
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  Lackluster. Grudging performance per week.
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  It's because a person had an epiphany.
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  Oh my God, you know what? Physical love?
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  Really is important to that. So I'm gonna change how I think
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  about it. I'm going to really change how I
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  think about it. The same as people change, if
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  like a kid gets a diagnosis of ADHD, you're like wow he wasn't
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  just being an asshole, my child. He really couldn't listen holy
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  shit so I am going to interact with them a lot different.
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  I'm going to say things in this way and I'm going to make these
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  kinds of charts and I'm gonna you know go through his homework
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  with him because apparently He can't fucking do it himself.
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  He wasn't being difficult, he really had a condition.
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  People have epiphanies all the time so you can have them about
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  your spouse to. So when I'm saying is if you try
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  to transform your life, your spouse is life in the ways that
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  they have told you would be meaningful to them.
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  They are not going to transform as a total human being, but the
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  house that your goal that really is codependency to say that, you
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  should be able to change a depressed wife and to somebody
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  who's not depressed, how are you?
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  God, no. Are you To be able to change a
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  husband who always wants more and more and more.
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  Next next next to somebody who isn't no, but what you can do is
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  make them happy with you because they feel that there is genuine
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  authentic effort emanating from you and that makes them feel
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  good and that makes them feel heard and validated and it makes
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  them feel like there's somebody in the room.
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  That's actually been listening and giving a shit when they
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  talk. So even if you are somebody that
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  is like, no, there's no amount of sex that would be enough for
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  my husband. I entreat you to sit That may be
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  true. If it was only sex that you were
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  grudgingly Doling out Drip by drip.
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  Yeah. But there is actually because I
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  have seen people happier in second marriages.
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  That's the thing there are actually just changes, not in
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  the person's core. I've said this over and over.
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  I have even a post about this. What divorce will and will not
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  fix in your life? One thing it'll fix is, you
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  could be happier in your next relationship, but are your core
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  issues going to evaporate? No, you got to.
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  Work on your core issues. Some of them never evaporate.
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  You can have treatment resistant depression for the rest of your
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  life. As many of us.
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  Do you know that workers Forever on and off but at least the
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  relationship does it have to be a problem because think about
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  it. What if on top of everything
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  that happened to you right now your car broke down?
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  The well that would suck, right? That Woods that will your day
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  would be worse so things can make your day worse, wood.
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  And then the next day, your car gets fixed.
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  First you would be a little bit happy.
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  You would go back to Baseline but everybody agrees that it
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  would be worse to have your car break down the not have your car
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  break down. So that's it is worse to not
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  have something that you want them to have it.
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  This doesn't mean that you don't want.
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  Also other things or that your entire personal existential
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  issues ourselves as a human. It means that if there's
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  something you could do to transform your spouse's life for
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  the better on the margins in, whatever compartment you can fix
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  things try to do it. It doesn't mean your entire
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  personality has to be based on making them happy, that's
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  codependent. But when they specifically come
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  to you and say, can you do X for me?
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  Why not genuinely try with an open heart and see what happens,
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  because the majority of people can recognize true, genuine
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  effort. And the other thing is, people
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  don't like to embarrass their spouse.
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  I see this all the time to people and it's like, so simple,
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  but they've never thought about it.
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  It's like if you take your wife out on a date, right?
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  You're like no, no. It has to be.
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  Totally perfect. Otherwise, she loses her shed
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  and wow, she's so she's so, not please a bull.
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  She's she's, she can't ever be happy.
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  She always wants better know, if you really gave it your a game
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  to have a romantic date, really? Tried a romantic you really,
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  really try. She is unless she is truly the
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  meanest person in the whole world, which probably not.
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  She doesn't want to embarrass you honestly, like she She
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  doesn't, she wouldn't want to be like this sucks if you were
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  really trying. Now, if you're not trying, which
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  is probably where you're at, then you're probably like, oh,
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  here we go. It's fucking date night.
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  I'm not going to get late anyway here, let's go to Olive Garden.
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  If you do that, then she picks up on that.
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  I'm sure she's gonna be like this as a shithole, why not?
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  Because honestly you think it is too and you don't give a shit
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  and a lot of people are in this Tit for Tat, fuck you who can
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  care less about pleasing. The other person competition,
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  which is a horrible It's for the marriage to be.
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  And genuinely generally is shows that you should have been in
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  couples counseling years before it got to that point, but the
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  second best time is today. And but anyway, the same thing
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  goes with sex. If you were really trying to do
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  what your husband wanted in bed, but it was just kind of like,
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  you didn't know how to do it, right?
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  Or something. He's not gonna want to embarrass
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  you. He's gonna think it's like sweet
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  that you're trying. There's no man who's like, yeah,
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  my wife really. Tried to be sexy.
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  But you know what I told her it sucked you know and good that
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  she cried really because I only have very specific standards for
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  sexual experience and she should have gone through my PornHub
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  history and really made it happen.
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  No, no man says anything like that unless they're really a
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  sociopath or the meanest person in the world.
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  If your wife is trying to do something that she thinks is
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  sexy. Most guys who like, oh, that's
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  nice. That's cute.
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  Maybe I'll maybe we could build on this, you know?
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  Like, even if it's like completely like strange and
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  bizarre. So the point is people are not
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  out to get one another. They can see what genuine effort
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  is and they don't want to be nasty about it.
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  What they will be nasty about though is a complete lack of any
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  effort. Nobody's got trouble really
• 15:23
  being nasty about that. So if your wife is like, oh
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  here, come on, let's have sex. Yep.
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  But sex time, we have to have sex so you don't act like an
• 15:32
  asshole. So let's go.
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  That's what I do. Our podcasts say, right the ones
• 15:36
  that you make me. Listen to, I have to have sex
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  with you. Okay, here we go.
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  Well you know, then you're going to be like this is terrible,
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  you're terrible. And that's going to be a fight
• 15:45
  because it started as a fight. It basically started as a
• 15:47
  gauntlet thrown down with somebody saying here is the
• 15:50
  least possible. This is, this is the spirit of
• 15:55
  the, this is the spirit of the law died.
• 15:57
  It's like the letter of the law, nowhere near the spirit of the
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  law. Barely even the letter of the
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  law, I'm doing it. Just so I could say, I did it
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  and just so that you're not up my ads.
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  Of course, it doesn't work to do anything like that.
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  So, if you get anything out of this, it should be to try to
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  engage with your spouse in a way with a full heart, good
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  intentions and to transform whatever aspect of their lives.
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  They're very unhappy about and that they tell you that they're
• 16:24
  very unhappy about because it's not going to change who they are
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  at a core level, you're right. But it will make them happier
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  with you. They could be a person who is
• 16:32
  happy in their relationship just like your partner.
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  Maybe a miserable motherfucker in many aspects but they love
• 16:37
  their kid or they love their dog.
• 16:40
  There is an aspect in which they're okay you know in which
• 16:43
  they don't hate everything right if it's like when they're
• 16:46
  playing video games or when they're petting the dog or
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  something you can be that you can be the dog you can be the
• 16:55
  person or creature with whom they have no trouble.
• 16:58
  So don't get caught in this Loop of while.
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  Since I cannot transform my partner into a totally happy
• 17:03
  person, I'm not going to try. Impact their life at all.
• 17:06
  It's a meaningless. Don't do that because that's not
• 17:08
  true. There are ways that a better
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  life, in whatever way they Define that, in whatever way
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  they think you can do it. For them would be
• 17:16
  transformational in as much as they could be.
• 17:19
  A miserable motherfucker that has a happy marriage and there
• 17:21
  are such people. All right, hopefully this was a
• 17:24
  different perspective. That is what I try to do.
• 17:26
  Please do subscribe, follow me. And if you ever need a
• 17:29
  therapist, remember, I have a whole group practice.
• 17:31
  Best life, Behavioral, Health hiring new people, very
• 17:34
  frequently. Lee many now that work with
• 17:36
  couples so especially if you're in the DMV the G cmon, Maryland,
• 17:40
  Virginia area, reach out. All right and other states as
• 17:43
  well for me personally, okay, talk to you soon.
• 17:46
  Bye bye.