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What fears do you have that are not yours? · I Care About You

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  Hi everybody and welcome back to I Care about yout, the podcast
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  where we talk about ourselves and how to make life just
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  richer and better and more incredible than it was yesterday.
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  I'm your host, Juliana Jay. And today I'm
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  talking about something that came up for me and a
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  couple of friends and we had this conversation
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  around what are some of the
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  fears that were taught to us or that we
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  somehow looking for my little notepad of what
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  are the fears that other people have instilled in us? Whether it's
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  our own fears around
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  people and strangers and doing
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  new things, trying new things,
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  speaking your mind. There's so many
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  fears that we have that come into play all the
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  time, during the day, constantly. And so
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  many of the fears are subconscious at
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  this point because we've been using them to drive how we think about things
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  for quite a long time now. And they're just running in the background
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  all the time, right? You go into a store and
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  there's people there you don't know. And there's a little bit of trepidation around
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  asking people for help or talking to someone.
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  And often that stems from something we
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  learned quite a long time ago in our lives that is
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  just, it's playing in the background. Be careful of strangers. Be leery of
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  strangers. Now, of course, we do have to be careful about
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  how we engage with people we don't know and
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  that we make sure we are being safe. But are we taking it
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  too far sometimes? Or are we. Is that fear
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  stopping us from learning about
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  other people, from meeting new people, from making friends? You know, there's such a,
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  a lot of conversation around how challenging it is to be
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  a grown up and make friends. And it's so
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  true. And I think there's a lot of fears built up behind
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  ourselves that we're not really noticing that
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  is stopping us from creating friendships. And the
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  fear of strangers is one of them. The fear of saying things that
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  people might judge you as stupid or silly
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  or not like you because of it. This, this,
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  all these fears around being judged constantly, all the
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  time really stop us from making friends
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  because we're so worried about what new
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  people will think of us and even people we know what they will think of
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  us, that we often let those
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  fears stop us from communication. And you can't
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  get closer to people if you're not willing to be a little
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  bit vulnerable. And that's another fear that we have is
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  often when I say fears that we have, I'm speaking from
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  my heart of fears that I have and that I know other People I know
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  have as well, because I've talked about it with them.
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  And there's this fear of being judged
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  all the time. There's also this fear of not having
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  anything important to say or coming off as
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  being too something, whatever it is.
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  Often we grow up with people
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  instilling this sense of humility on us,
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  which is a really great thing to be humble. I'm not dissing
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  that at all. But in our childhood brains,
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  when we were kids and this concept was brought up to us, it was
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  more in the framework of what to do. Like, don't talk
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  too much about yourself. Don't engage
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  in conversations. Let other people speak. Let the grownups speak.
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  Let people with authority speak. Respect these people with
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  authority. And it gives us a sense of when
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  we're grown up subconsciously, we don't communicate
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  in the same way to people that we think of as authority
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  figures as we would someone else.
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  And there's also this.
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  This quality. We've lost sight of what is
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  humble, what that truly is. Because when we were first introduced
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  to the concept, we were children, and it appeared to be
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  these tasks you do, these things you do, don't speak until spoken to.
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  All these kinds of things that come about in our lives right
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  when we're kids, that our parents are trying to teach us how to be kind,
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  good, thoughtful people. Often a
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  lot of those concepts, the depth of the concept is lost
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  on a child because we really don't understand those
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  things yet. But still we take them throughout our lives and
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  we never think to stop and look at them again.
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  And with an adult eye,
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  we just take it as, oh, I'm.
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  I shouldn't ever say anything about myself because that's
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  not being humble, or I shouldn't talk until
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  spoken to, or I'm going to not
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  say much to an authority figure and just take everything they say as truth
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  and not try and say
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  anything or do anything or have an educated debate.
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  Another thing is like, never let yourself be vulnerable.
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  I think a lot of the men, friends that I have really
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  struggle with that, with allowing them to be
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  vulnerable, allowing themselves to be vulnerable. Hi, Kitty.
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  And I think that that stops you
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  from having friends, from being engaging
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  in conversations that deepen a relationship. It's even challenging for
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  your relationships with partners if you
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  can't be vulnerable, because it never allows that depth of
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  relationship building to take place. So your relationship never goes
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  deeper than the certain place. So there's so many
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  fears that we have that are keeping us from
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  expanding our friend group or finding friends or finding other people
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  or Having just general success in life. Another fear
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  is doing anything new in order. Sometimes in order to make
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  friends, we have to step out of our comfort zone and do something new.
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  Like, although we've been lifelong readers, maybe we've never
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  in a position, been in a book club before, and that's a little intimidating to
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  us. And so we don't try it because of the fear of
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  trying something new and failure that might occur. It's not
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  even a truth that failure is going to occur yet we think it's
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  already happening. It's already something because we're so conditioned with
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  these fears to think that it's not going to work out. I'm going to
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  fail. It's not going to happen. I can't do it.
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  I just won't do it. I'll just stay over here and be safe. Sometimes it
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  takes getting out of your comfort zone to meet new people, because your comfort zone
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  is filled with the same people that you see all the time or often.
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  Especially as a lot of us have started working
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  remotely, we don't have.
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  We're a little bit isolated in some ways. And if we don't step
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  out of our comfort zone, we're going to continue to be isolated.
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  That's a huge thing. So that's what I'm really
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  getting at. That we're going to explore with the journal prompt for this
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  week. So the journal prompt for this week is, what are some
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  of the fears that you have that were given
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  to you by somebody else, that were either given to you by
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  society, Your family, caregivers, friends?
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  Maybe a bad thing, a bad, bad or uncomfortable moment
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  happen to you in childhood, and you formulated some fears around
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  that. And you've used that as your guiding light ever
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  since. And you've never looked back. What are some of these fears
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  that are stopping you from getting
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  out there and making new relationships?
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  What are these fears? For me, the fears
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  are a fear of judgment. Fear I'm
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  gonna say the wrong or do the wrong thing. Fear I'm not gonna be good
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  at whatever the new thing is that I try. If, you know, if I take
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  a painting class and I'm trying to meet new people through the painting
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  class, am I gonna just be horrible at it? And I'm
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  not gonna make any friends? Cause people are gonna think that I'm not good.
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  Am I afraid to say hello to new people? Yes. True.
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  So there's a whole bunch of things that kind of keep us from
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  getting out there and finding new
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  people in our lives if that's what we want. And Also in
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  just moving forward in general in our lives. What are some fears you have that
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  are stopping you from your goals in life?
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  Like if you want to write a book, but you're afraid of
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  rejection and you have this fear that nothing you
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  do is good enough, then how are you ever going to write the book
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  if you don't learn how to overcome that fear? Or at least be
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  able to tolerate the uncomfortableness of
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  pushing against that fear? That's another thing
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  is we like to be comfortable and safe, right? There's so much conversation around your
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  comfort zone. What if you just want
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  to do something different, do something new?
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  You have a burning desire that you've had since childhood to record
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  an ep, but you don't. Because of
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  these fears. It's really scary to
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  put your artwork out there. It's really scary to put your work out there.
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  Something you put your soul into, to put it out there for the world
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  to scrutinize. And how do you get over that fear of the what if?
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  So many what ifs in life, right?
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  And we tend to use these what ifs that aren't even true as
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  guiding factors in our lives. Like,
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  what if I ask for a raise and I don't get it? What if I
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  ask for a promotion and I don't get it? What if I apply to this
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  job and I don't get it? What if I say hello to that person and
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  I try to create a friendship with them and they're not interested?
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  What if I ask this person out and they don't want to go
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  out with me? We're constantly, constantly living
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  in these what ifs. And often the what
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  ifs are a negative consequence. It's not like,
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  what if I said hi to that person over there and I
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  realized we had so much in common and we became best
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  buddies? You know what? We're not thinking like that. We're thinking like,
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  what if they think I'm a lunatic or and tell other
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  people. We think these what ifs are so negative, right? They're all these
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  negative things which are supposed to keep us safe, but we
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  let them run wild. And we don't really realize that we're supposed to be
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  analyzing these what ifs. Like, yes, what if it's that
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  thing of like, what if you jump off a cliff and you fall?
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  But also, what if you jump off the cliff and you fly?
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  Those are the things. What are your what ifs?
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  What are they? What fears have been installed in you from
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  somewhere else? And what what ifs are you using
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  to guide your Life. Like, I always have
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  a what if of what if I say something dumb? And so
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  for literally decades in the work world, I didn't say anything during meetings
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  because I was so worried about saying
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  the wrong thing or not understanding the full scope
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  of the issue we were talking about. And then people don't think I'm
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  qualified to be where I am.
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  So I didn't talk in meetings for a really long time because of these negative
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  what's what ifs that if I spoke up, you know, I'd ultimately
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  be fired down the road. Like the what ifs are this trail to the
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  worst case scenario, right? Like your what ifs. What if I talk during a meeting
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  and people think what I say is stupid? What if they think I'm not smart
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  enough for the job? What if they think someone better is for the job?
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  Because did you hear what Juliana said in the meeting?
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  Okay, so I'm going to get fired. You know, we use
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  these what ifs as stepping stones to the worst case scenario.
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  And none of it is true. It's just something we're fabricating
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  in our mind, a worst case scenario. So I challenge you to kind
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  of look at those. When you're faced with something. What are these what ifs that
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  are stopping you from doing it? What are these what ifs that
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  are stopping you from your dreams? What are these what ifs that are stopping you
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  from making friends? What are they? What are these fears
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  that are tied to the what if?
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  And why are you telling yourself these what ifs
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  that are not positive, that don't have positive outcomes? Couldn't you so
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  easily have a what if? That's like, I'm gonna.
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  I'm going to put my manuscript out there.
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  I'm gonna query a bunch of publishers, and what
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  if someone takes it and publishes
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  it and it becomes a book and people like it and read it and enjoy
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  it? What if that. What are the what ifs
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  You. You can change into something positive? And what are
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  these random fears that you have that are running your life that you're
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  not really aware of, that are running your life that
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  are making it hard for you to have friends, to. To go
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  the directions you want to go, to achieve goals you want
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  to achieve, to walk towards your dreams? What are these things?
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  That's what this journaling exercises about this
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  week. What are your what ifs that are stopping you from doing
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  things? And what are your fears that are instilled
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  from you by other things that are either rational or
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  irrational now that you're giving it some sort of thought?
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  Where do they come from and are they serving you now?
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  Or can you have a different thought about it?
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  Can you let go of the fear? Can you let go of this fear and
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  move towards something else? So that's what I'm challenging
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  you with today, this week in this journaling
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  prompt. I hope you find some really interesting things.
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  Please let me know what they are. I would love to know what you find
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  out about yourself because it's an interesting exercise. I do
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  this about for myself about every six months or so or when I'm
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  coming up against something big. Should I do this
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  thing? What are my fears around it? Are they rational?
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  Irrational? Are they fears from my childhood that I
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  can let go of, that I don't need anymore? And what are the what ifs
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  I'm telling myself that's stopping me from moving forward? So there
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  you are. My dear friends, I want to thank you for being here.
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  I want to thank you so much for supporting me and for showing up for
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  your support. And I want to thank you for writing about these writing prompts,
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  for showing up for yourself even after this moment that we're together.
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  For continually showing up for yourself and doing
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  the work for yourself. You are so,
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  so appreciated. I care about you.
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  I support you. I love you so, so much. I wish
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  all the most wonderful things in the world for you.
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  So until next time. Time. Dear friends, please order
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  my book if you think it might help you Reasons to Live. It has
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  a lot of mindfulness practices and other practices
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  for living your best life and overcoming challenges
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  and dark times. The link is in the description. Thank you all
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  so much for joining me. Take very good care and I'll see you next week.
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  Sam.