Latest / Behind Every Great Man / EP 52: The Subtle Line Between Support And Control
Transcript
- Jessica Zubchevich: Behind every great man is a great confident exceptional woman. Hi and welcome to Behind Every Great Man. I am Jessica, your host. Behind every great man is a great woman who knows there's a difference between support and control. Today we're talking about the very, very fine line between support and control. This is a tough one. Because when you are a capable woman and you handle business, you get shit done, it is very difficult to hand over the reins to someone else. Not that they're doing it wrong, not that they're not capable. It's just not the way that you do it. And that can be tough to Witness and specifically we're talking about our husbands. This could be handling things within the home. This could be parenting. It's not that you think your husband is incapable. Maybe you do think he's incapable, then this podcast would not be for you. But you know he's capable. You know that he can handle business and he gets things done. But it's not how you do it. It's not how we do it. And that can be challenging to say the least. So let's talk through that. The very fine line, the subtle line between support and control. When does helping become fixing? When does support turn into directing and turning into a dynamic that you don't want? If you're like me. You are a very capable woman. You see things that need to get done, and you are on it, you handle it, you are proactive. So this can be very difficult. And it's not disrespect. It's just easy for capable women to take control. And I would say that a lot of times. We're not even aware that we're doing it. I know that that happens with me, that I think that I'm just trying to help and be helpful. And it's turning into more than that, if I'm being honest. It starts as helping. It starts with beautiful intentions, good intentions of just helping, but it can slowly creep into. Taking the lead, taking control. And we can stay in the innocence of it of thinking, I'm just helping. I'm just trying to help. Yes, and it can be more than that. You can be taking over. It's easy to go from supporting to driving to grabbing the reins and saying, Let me do this. Here, let me do this. Because we know how to do it. We know how to handle it. We know what's best. We know what the kids need. We know the efficient way to get through bedtime. We know how to fold the clothes in the drawer. We know how to load the dishwasher. We know. This isn't about the husband that doesn't want to help, who isn't helping at all. That's a whole other issue and we can talk about that. But this is about the man who is showing up, who's trying, and you're grabbing it like, let me do it. Let me show you how to do it. And we don't wake up in the morning saying, I want to control my husband today. That's not the intention. But it can happen and it creeps in sometimes without us even realizing it. Let me help you with that. Let me remind you. ⁓ let me show you this. This way is faster if you do it like this. Let me tell you what I think you should do. And I think it's easy for us to say, I'm not controlling, because maybe we have this image of a wife that is. Barking out orders, yelling, telling people what to do, some kind of drill sergeant. So we say, no, I'm not controlling. But it can be way more subtle than that. It can be correcting the way that he does things. It can be giving unsolicited advice, trying to improve on how he communicates or how he parents. How he addresses other people, double checking what he did or redoing something that he did. I'm guilty of that, for sure. A lot of these I am. Telling him how he should handle someone at work, what he should say to them that he didn't say, how he should say it differently, walking him through something, showing him how to do it when he didn't ask you to do that. Some of these are so small and subtle, and that's why we can miss it. It can sound like, did you remember to, or why don't you just you should tell him, here's what I would do. If you say these once in a while, it's fine. I'm talking about when it's a pattern and this is how you speak to your man. This has been a journey for me. My husband Keith has a very high stress job. And early on in our relationship, when he would share things about what was going on within the company, he was the chief strategy officer at the time, and he would tell me just different dynamics of things going on within the company. And I would inject my two cents of, ⁓ you should do this. I would say this. And I noticed That he wasn't sharing as often with me anymore. And I'd be like, what's going on? What happened today? And he's like, not much, you know. He he wouldn't shut it down, but it was definitely not the same as how he was originally sharing. I noticed that, and I realized that I was injecting. What I think he should do when he was not asking me at all what I thought he should do. He never verbally said, Hey Jess, why don't you tell me what I should do with engineering? Like, no, I took that upon myself to inject my advice and my thoughts. I backed that up quickly. I've been certified as a life coach years ago. And I went back to the training of what we were taught, asking thoughtful questions instead of saying you should do blank. I would listen, I would acknowledge and just ask questions. Wow, that must have been difficult. How did you handle that? What happened after that? What do you think needs to happen? That seems like a very difficult dynamic. How do you think you guys are gonna get through that? And now Keith shares with me almost everything. I know everyone. I know everything that goes on within the company. And I know it's because of how I approach and handle when he shares with me. I know a sure way to shut him down would be for me to tell him what I think he should do. So I stay in the safe zone of. Listening, just being a thoughtful listener. I read the book by John Chambers Connecting the Dots a few years ago. He said, if you don't have a thoughtful follow-up question, then you weren't really listening. He's sharing his world with me. He's wanting to keep me in the loop and keep me connected with what's going on. Does he come home and always share everything that's going on with the day? No. But when he does want to share, he does fully because of the way that it is received. I don't need to solve the issue that he's sharing with me. I don't need to connect the dots. He is a very capable man and I hold him at that level that he'll figure it out. He knows what to do. And I'll ask and fly alongside of him instead of trying to take the reins and Tell him what he needs to do. I g I'd giggle at that because That is not the way that my man works. If I try to tell Keith what to do or what he needs to do or what he should do, or I would attempt to bark orders at him, he would look at me like I am an alien. And this is tough for capable women. Just listening and not trying to fix or move in can feel very passive. And I can feel myself when Keith's sharing something with me that I want to jump in, this is what I would do, this is how I would handle it. I would say this, and I really gotta bite my tongue. The Gottman Institute, which I feel like I quote all the time because their research is just incredible. They said when your spouse is talking about stress or a problem, the goal isn't necessarily to solve it. It's to communicate that I'm with you. Listen, ask questions, show genuine interest, communicate understanding of what they share with you. Don't automatically offer unsolicited solutions. They said understanding before solutions. There's a difference between calling each other higher and wanting the person to be their best self. Not what I'm talking about here. There's a difference. Marriage should challenge us. It should throw the mirror up and make us go inward and look at ways that we can improve ourselves. I want my husband to tell me the truth. I want my husband to call me higher. I want to call him higher. It's all in the way that we do it. There's a difference between challenging someone that you respect and Holding them in an incapable light. This doesn't mean that I tolerate bad behavior or I don't speak up. I don't say how I feel. I just accept things that aren't okay with me. None of that. There are marriages where he is willing to participate. He is showing up. He is trying. And then there's a question about that. Did I correct him enough times where he eventually just said, fine. You do it. And now it's something that is on your plate. And now maybe you're resentful for it. That can be a dynamic that goes on. There are things in a marriage that absolutely require an agreement. But just short of that, is he just doing it differently? Something is still getting done. It's just not the way that I would do it. How often are we confusing difference with? Wrong. Is he really doing it wrong? Or is he simply doing it differently? And sometimes fixing him isn't about him. It's about us. It's about me. Because when I control, I feel safe. I feel like things are okay. And I feel a sense of peace or relief around that. If I know what's happening, I know the plan. I know that this is getting done and it's getting done the right way. I can anticipate the outcome. I can relax. I feel relief. So sometimes let me help. Is actually let me reduce my own anxiety by taking control of this. Our strength as wives isn't in grabbing the wheel because I know how to do it. I can be incredibly capable, which I am, which you are, and still allow my husband to be capable, which he is. And those two things don't need to compete. Sometimes I take the lead and Keith supports me, and sometimes he takes the lead and I support him. But let's be clear on the way we support our husband. We support, we stand beside, we encourage, we tell the truth. We speak up when it matters. We challenge things if we need to. We ask for what we need, but we don't need to control every single outcome. Saying, you got this is way more powerful for our husbands to hear than hear, let me show you. This takes discipline. That takes restraint. This takes Patience. But if we truly are a team and a solid supporter, this has to be part of the dynamic. So the next time you feel the urge to correct or direct or give advice, ask yourself, did he ask for my help? If he did, By all means, jump in and help and lean in. If he didn't ask for your help, back off. Each partner deserves to feel capable and seen in that light. It's time for our weekly pause wherever you are, whatever you're doing. Just take a couple moments to reflect on this message. If you can, close your eyes. Let's all take a deep inhale together. Exhell it out. Another deep soothing breath in. One more deep inhale. Sister, ask yourself a few questions and answer them honestly. Where am I thinking I'm helping my husband when I'm really controlling? Where am I correcting when I could be encouraging? Where am I advising when I could listen? Where am I taking over when I could trust? Where am I confusing different with wrong? Where could I simply say you got this? I'm here if you need me. Are you seeing your husband as the capable man he is? One more deep breath in together. Exhale it out and open your eyes. Behind every great man is a great woman who knows support is not the same as control. Thanks for joining me for this podcast episode. You can find more episodes of Behind Every Great Man on Spotify, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. And if this spoke to you, please share it with a friend and subscribe. Thanks again, and I'll see you next week.