Latest / Reflect Reclaim & Liberate - with Sallyanne Hartnell / Self-Love and Healthy Habits During Separation, Divorce and as a single parent

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Self-Love and Healthy Habits During Separation, Divorce and as a single parent · Reflect Reclaim & Liberate - with Sallyanne Hartnell

• 0:07
  SPEAKER_01: Welcome to Reflect, Reclaim and Liberate, the podcast.
• 0:12
  SPEAKER_01: Finding the space for all of you in life and love.
• 0:15
  SPEAKER_01: I'm your host, Sally Ann Hartnell, and this podcast is for anyone wanting to reclaim and liberate themselves in their relationships and their life.
• 0:25
  SPEAKER_01: Wherever you are on your relationship journey, these conversations meet you right there.
• 0:30
  SPEAKER_01: In soulful, deeply supportive DNs with me and interviews with other gorgeous humans.
• 0:36
  SPEAKER_01: Moving you from where you are to where you most want to be.
• 0:40
  SPEAKER_01: A life and love completely aligned with your deepest desires to have it all on your own terms.
• 0:47
  SPEAKER_01: If you're seeking a relationship and a life that lights up all of you, you're in the right place.
• 0:54
  SPEAKER_01: I'd also like to acknowledge that this podcast is recorded on the traditional lands of the Woratree people and pay my respects to elders past, present, and emerging and acknowledge them as the original storytellers of this land.
• 1:08
  SPEAKER_01: Welcome back to another episode of Reflect, Reclaim and Liberate.
• 1:12
  SPEAKER_01: And today I'm really excited to welcome Valerie Levine to the podcast.
• 1:17
  SPEAKER_01: Val is a health coach specializing in healthy habits.
• 1:21
  SPEAKER_01: She helps women who are making an impact prioritize their health and wellness without adding to their already busy schedule so that they can feel great in their body and show up powerfully for the people depending on them.
• 1:33
  SPEAKER_01: Perfect for anybody navigating a challenging relationship, breakup, or divorce.
• 1:37
  SPEAKER_01: Welcome to the podcast, Val.
• 1:39
  SPEAKER_01: Awesome to have you.
• 1:42
  SPEAKER_00: Thank you so much for having me on the show.
• 1:44
  SPEAKER_00: I'm very excited to be here and chat with you more because I love our conversations together.
• 1:51
  SPEAKER_01: Listeners, just so you know, Val and I have already recorded an episode together for her podcast.
• 1:56
  SPEAKER_01: So I really would encourage you to go and listen to that.
• 1:58
  SPEAKER_01: If you don't already follow her, she's awesome and we had a really great chat, could have talked for ages.
• 2:04
  SPEAKER_01: So there will probably be a part two.
• 2:06
  SPEAKER_01: And who knows what magic we're about to unleash right now.
• 2:10
  SPEAKER_01: So, Val, can you kick off?
• 2:13
  SPEAKER_01: Just tell us a little bit about yourself, what you do, and always the most exciting and interesting part of that question, I think, is why?
• 2:20
  SPEAKER_01: Why you do what you do?
• 2:22
  SPEAKER_00: That's a great question.
• 2:24
  SPEAKER_00: I would love to share that.
• 2:25
  SPEAKER_00: So my name is Val or Valerie.
• 2:27
  SPEAKER_00: I am a healthy habit mentor, Pilates instructor, studio owner, podcaster, and travel enthusiast.
• 2:34
  SPEAKER_00: In a nutshell, I'm a very multi-passionate human.
• 2:37
  SPEAKER_00: And I believe the reason why I'm able to wear all of these hats is because of my healthy habits.
• 2:46
  SPEAKER_00: And now I get to help women create their own supportive habits, their own routines, the rituals, the systems that help them flourish and to be able to be their best selves and most empowered selves.
• 3:00
  SPEAKER_00: And I believe that the reason why we can be empowered and stand tall in our truth and make a greater impact is when we are elevating our health and wellness, when we're elevating our own habits, routines, and rituals.
• 3:14
  SPEAKER_00: And when we're doing that, we become better humans.
• 3:16
  SPEAKER_00: We are making more meaningful changes and a greater impact on our small communities, but also the world at large, because I really believe in, I'm sure we're going to talk about this, but I really believe in the ripple effect.
• 3:29
  SPEAKER_00: And if we can just start with our own selves and our own lifestyle and our own changes, well, I know that you can inspire the people around you to do the same.
• 3:38
  SPEAKER_00: And as cheesy as it sounds, I do it because I genuinely want to make the world a better place.
• 3:45
  SPEAKER_01: I love it.
• 3:45
  SPEAKER_01: I love it so much.
• 3:46
  SPEAKER_01: And yes, to the ripple effect.
• 3:48
  SPEAKER_01: You know, I talk about that with my clients and in my work.
• 3:50
  SPEAKER_01: You know, if you it's a bit like the old oxygen mask analogy when someone's going through something really big like a separation or a divorce, prioritize your health, prioritize your well-being, make sure that you're okay first, and then you can support other people.
• 4:05
  SPEAKER_01: You can support your children, you can make objective decisions that are, you know, future focused.
• 4:11
  SPEAKER_01: If you uh unless you take care of your own self first, none of that happens.
• 4:15
  SPEAKER_01: So yes, yes, yes to the ripple effect.
• 4:18
  SPEAKER_01: 100%.
• 4:19
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm I'm glad you used the example of the oxygen mass because it's so small and so simple.
• 4:24
  SPEAKER_00: But that's where the big changes come from, or those remarkable results that people are looking for, is that they start with simple and small actions that we can do every single day.
• 4:35
  SPEAKER_01: Which leads me to a podcast episode of yours I listened to.
• 4:38
  SPEAKER_01: And it was the one where you talked about um, excuse me, the magic of making your bed and how making your bed can change your life.
• 4:46
  SPEAKER_01: I make my bed every single day.
• 4:48
  SPEAKER_01: And I'm going to credit my ex-husband here because I remember the children were small, he was traveling a lot, he was flying, fly out, we were still together.
• 4:57
  SPEAKER_01: Anyway, it doesn't matter if we're together or not, but the house was chaos.
• 5:01
  SPEAKER_01: Everywhere was chaos.
• 5:02
  SPEAKER_01: And he said, just make the bed, just make the bed.
• 5:06
  SPEAKER_01: And he wasn't issuing a directive, don't get me wrong.
• 5:09
  SPEAKER_01: He just said, make the bed, make your bedroom, or our bedroom, whatever, make the bedroom a sanctuary so that if everything else is chaotic around you, there's crap from one end of the house to the other, kids, food, you have that sanctuary.
• 5:25
  SPEAKER_01: And I've continued to do that.
• 5:27
  SPEAKER_01: So I make my bed every day, but I really want you to share, I would love you to share your perspective on that and how you believe making your bed can change your life because I love that episode of your podcast so much.
• 5:38
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, I'm so glad.
• 5:39
  SPEAKER_00: Thank you.
• 5:40
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, making my bed started when I was going through a really dark time in my life, and I was feeling very anxious.
• 5:48
  SPEAKER_00: I was feeling depressed, uh depressed.
• 5:51
  SPEAKER_00: And making my bed kind of felt like the only thing I had the energy to do.
• 5:55
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, I was functioning, I was going to work, I was doing the things, and a lot of people actually didn't know that I was feeling so bad, but I knew.
• 6:03
  SPEAKER_00: And like I said, it was the only thing that I really had the energy to put any sort of effort into.
• 6:09
  SPEAKER_00: And I didn't see the value of it at the time.
• 6:12
  SPEAKER_00: I didn't see the value of it in the beginning.
• 6:13
  SPEAKER_00: And actually, it wasn't until making my bed, the practice, the habit of it compounded over time that I really noticed how life-changing it was.
• 6:24
  SPEAKER_00: And I think that's what's cool about many of our habits is that we don't see them for what they are in the beginning.
• 6:31
  SPEAKER_00: And that sometimes leads us to not continuing on with our habits, which I'll talk about a little bit later.
• 6:40
  SPEAKER_00: But in terms of making my bed and that compounding over time, that's when I noticed it was life-changing.
• 6:47
  SPEAKER_00: And part of that transformation was that making my bed was a win for the day.
• 6:51
  SPEAKER_00: It was a check in the box.
• 6:53
  SPEAKER_00: If nothing else went wrong, went right that day, at least my bed was made.
• 6:58
  SPEAKER_00: I was coming home to, as you mentioned, your sanctuary.
• 7:01
  SPEAKER_00: And it gave me a sense of accomplishment and a sense of pride that, okay, I did something today, something small.
• 7:10
  SPEAKER_00: But there was also this ripple effect, as I mentioned, into these other areas of my life.
• 7:15
  SPEAKER_00: And I started to notice that how I made my bed, how I did this one thing was how I started to show up in the other things in my life.
• 7:24
  SPEAKER_00: It was how I made my bed with care, with intention, um, and feeling that accomplishment.
• 7:31
  SPEAKER_00: Then that translated or that shifted into how I stood in front of a class of my students in the Plotty studio, how I showed up with my clients with care, with intention, with a sense of accomplishment and pride.
• 7:44
  SPEAKER_00: And that was really interesting because again, it was something that was unexpected, um, but really exciting because that's honestly, I tell people this all the time.
• 7:57
  SPEAKER_00: They think I'm a little bit crazy, but making my bed every day was what pulled me out of anxiety.
• 8:01
  SPEAKER_00: It was what pulled me out of depression, it made it gave me a purpose.
• 8:04
  SPEAKER_00: So, as you mentioned, sanctuary, purpose, accomplishment, you know, the ripple effect.
• 8:10
  SPEAKER_00: But it took time for me to do that and took consistency.
• 8:14
  SPEAKER_00: And I think that's really where a lot of people get stuck is with that consistency.
• 8:19
  SPEAKER_01: Because let's face it, you can't just make your bed once and change your life.
• 8:25
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, exactly.
• 8:27
  SPEAKER_01: And I love that I love that you brought intention to make to something as simple as making your bed.
• 8:31
  SPEAKER_01: Um, I also share with my clients if you can bring intention to the way you drink your tea or coffee or beverage of choice in the morning, hands around the cup, you know, really just be mindful, present, bring intention.
• 8:45
  SPEAKER_01: It it helps dial down your nervous system, it helps you engage in those difficult conversations you're gonna have to have with your ex.
• 8:51
  SPEAKER_01: So yes, yes, yes to the ripple effect.
• 8:55
  SPEAKER_01: I think we're gonna come back to that as a theme over and over and over.
• 8:58
  SPEAKER_01: Now, in terms of making your bed ones versus making up repeatedly, uh so many of us know what we should in inverted commons be doing, you know, to uh build healthy habits, to build and I'm gonna flip it of course and take us in the direction of connection and relationships.
• 9:17
  SPEAKER_01: So, you know, we know what we should be doing for a lot of us, we know to build connection and strengthen relationships.
• 9:24
  SPEAKER_01: And let's focus for now on intimate partner relationships.
• 9:27
  SPEAKER_01: But we know, but we don't always do what we should do.
• 9:30
  SPEAKER_01: We don't always make the bed.
• 9:32
  SPEAKER_01: So how can we how can we support ourselves to really build healthy habits and particularly build healthy relationship habits?
• 9:42
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, that's a great question.
• 9:43
  SPEAKER_00: And I like to remind people that habits don't come from what we do occasionally, they come from what we do consistently.
• 9:52
  SPEAKER_00: And so lacking the consistency is again that reason or that obstacle of why we aren't creating that lasting change.
• 10:01
  SPEAKER_00: So someone can say, Oh, I went to the gym three times this month and I didn't get the six-pack I wanted, or I told my partner why I'm grateful for them this weekend, but I still don't feel this deep connection with them two months later.
• 10:14
  SPEAKER_00: And it's because we aren't creating those lasting changes, or we're not creating the consistency that we're not getting those lasting changes.
• 10:22
  SPEAKER_00: So, as basic as it sounds, I suggest time blocking it, putting it in the calendar, share the calendar invite so both of you have it in your schedules.
• 10:33
  SPEAKER_00: There's a really important part of making time for the things that matter, whether that's us time or you time or whatever it is.
• 10:43
  SPEAKER_00: And it's a way to communicate that for both of you.
• 10:46
  SPEAKER_00: So having it in your calendar is also gonna bring it is also gonna build the anticipation for the event.
• 10:52
  SPEAKER_00: It's something to get excited about.
• 10:54
  SPEAKER_00: And a lot of people are really revved up through the anticipation that they actually enjoy the buildup almost more than the event, right?
• 11:04
  SPEAKER_00: But I know for my partner and I, we we send each other calendar invites all the time.
• 11:08
  SPEAKER_00: Hey, I want you to come to this, or hey, let's do a dinner date, you know, just out of the blue, let's do that.
• 11:13
  SPEAKER_00: But why not make it something more consistent?
• 11:15
  SPEAKER_00: Why not make it a habit that every second Wednesday you're going, every second Wednesday of the month, you're going to a dinner date.
• 11:22
  SPEAKER_00: And maybe it's a different place every time, or maybe you have your favorite spot that you want to go together, but it's in the calendar.
• 11:29
  SPEAKER_00: You both know about it.
• 11:31
  SPEAKER_00: There's it's non-negotiable.
• 11:33
  SPEAKER_00: No one else is going to block out that time or um remove you from where you need to be.
• 11:38
  SPEAKER_00: And so that's gonna happen not just one time, but over the course of however many weeks or months.
• 11:44
  SPEAKER_00: And that's gonna be different for everybody.
• 11:47
  SPEAKER_00: I think too celebrating small wins is really gonna help for partnerships.
• 11:53
  SPEAKER_00: Um, you know, did you make a delicious meal together?
• 11:56
  SPEAKER_00: I really like food.
• 11:56
  SPEAKER_00: So I'm gonna talk about food.
• 11:58
  SPEAKER_00: Um, and I really enjoy cooking.
• 12:01
  SPEAKER_00: And I like that my partner and I can make a meal together in the kitchen.
• 12:05
  SPEAKER_00: We can be together, we can have fun, we can pass each other the ingredients, whatever it is.
• 12:10
  SPEAKER_00: You know, light a candle at the table or put the flowers out at the table and cheers each other on your success.
• 12:16
  SPEAKER_00: Have that time for presence of being with your meal, being with your partner, being in each other's company and celebrate, hey, I really love this meal I made with you.
• 12:26
  SPEAKER_00: I love this time with you.
• 12:28
  SPEAKER_00: I gratitude goes a long way.
• 12:30
  SPEAKER_00: And whether that's celebrating the win or celebrating you as a couple or cheering on your partner for something that they accomplished that week or that day.
• 12:38
  SPEAKER_00: But if you're not making that time, and if you're not spending that time and it's not that quality time consistently, then you've got to find some other way to celebrate those wins.
• 12:50
  SPEAKER_00: Um, and maybe it's just a text, maybe it's uh a voice note, a little love note that you can send throughout the day.
• 12:57
  SPEAKER_00: But again, it's finding something where, and I don't like to say schedule it all the time because you don't want it to get boring or stale, or you don't want to expect the text message.
• 13:08
  SPEAKER_00: But maybe the habit is asking yourself, and you actually talked about this a little bit on my podcast, is ask the habit is asking yourself, how can I show up for my partner today?
• 13:17
  SPEAKER_00: How can I make life easier for my partner today?
• 13:19
  SPEAKER_00: And so the habit is asking the question and the behavior of the action changes.
• 13:23
  SPEAKER_00: So it keeps things spicy.
• 13:25
  SPEAKER_01: Um I love that.
• 13:26
  SPEAKER_01: I love that so much.
• 13:27
  SPEAKER_01: I'm thinking, oh, yeah, it's one thing to schedule, block out date, you know, regular dates, regular connection or touch points.
• 13:35
  SPEAKER_01: It's that, it's that small, it's that small thing each day.
• 13:39
  SPEAKER_01: Um I'm thinking, oh, should we just schedule in our in our calendar, send the text, send the love note?
• 13:46
  SPEAKER_01: But I like that it's asking the question, like even if you schedule that in your own calendar, what am I going, what am I doing today?
• 13:53
  SPEAKER_01: How am I showing up for my partner today?
• 13:55
  SPEAKER_01: How am I showing up for the relationship today?
• 13:57
  SPEAKER_01: I love that.
• 13:59
  SPEAKER_00: And I think that's what people forget about habits.
• 14:02
  SPEAKER_00: They think it has to be so strict, it has to be so rigid, it keeps us in these boxes, but really it gives us this freedom and it brings the spice back into your relationship.
• 14:13
  SPEAKER_00: And it doesn't have to be rigid.
• 14:16
  SPEAKER_00: And I was a believer that habits made you boring, believe it or not.
• 14:21
  SPEAKER_00: I was so against habits.
• 14:24
  SPEAKER_00: I was this rebel.
• 14:24
  SPEAKER_00: I didn't want to schedule or routines or anything.
• 14:27
  SPEAKER_00: And now I see how much freedom and how much people can thrive, individuals and relationships.
• 14:33
  SPEAKER_00: And I wanted to say one more thing about having um relationship habits.
• 14:38
  SPEAKER_00: It's like having a built-in accountability buddy.
• 14:41
  SPEAKER_00: You can hold each other accountable.
• 14:44
  SPEAKER_00: It's not just you asking the question, how can I show up for us?
• 14:47
  SPEAKER_00: How can I show up for the partner?
• 14:49
  SPEAKER_00: But it's them asking that question too.
• 14:51
  SPEAKER_00: And just think of if we asked that question every single day in our intimate relationships, where do you think we would be in a week's time, a month's time, six months, a year's time?
• 15:02
  SPEAKER_00: If we just showed up that one little bit.
• 15:05
  SPEAKER_00: And again, it doesn't have to be we've gotten a dozen red long stem roses and the candles are lit all the way up the stairs.
• 15:13
  SPEAKER_00: No, it doesn't have to be all of this gooey romance.
• 15:16
  SPEAKER_00: It can be as simple as saying, hey, I'm thinking about you and I wanted you to know that I I really care about you or I really enjoyed our time together this weekend or whatever it is.
• 15:26
  SPEAKER_00: And it's it makes all of the difference, that tiny habit.
• 15:31
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, absolutely.
• 15:32
  SPEAKER_01: And it is in those small habits that the difference is made.
• 15:37
  SPEAKER_01: Small, as you said, small habits consistently over days, weeks, months, years.
• 15:41
  SPEAKER_01: It's not the long stem red roses.
• 15:44
  SPEAKER_01: Um, you know, we've just had we've just had Valentine's Day.
• 15:47
  SPEAKER_01: Um so it's not those big dramatic gestures, it's the small incremental things each day.
• 15:53
  SPEAKER_01: So I love yeah, I love that you're talking about consistency and repetition.
• 16:01
  SPEAKER_01: I wanted to ask you about creating new habits or holding on to our habits when we're in a really challenging time of life.
• 16:10
  SPEAKER_01: And that goes back to, you know, you said you started making your bed when you were not feeling great, you were in a really dark time.
• 16:16
  SPEAKER_01: Now, separation and divorce is really overwhelming.
• 16:19
  SPEAKER_01: And I often talk about uh the oh, you know, overcoming the overwhelm.
• 16:24
  SPEAKER_01: And I think structure and habits can really help overcome that overwhelm.
• 16:30
  SPEAKER_01: What do you think?
• 16:32
  SPEAKER_01: How do you how do you suggest or how can we support listeners who are in that real overwhelm to find a way out?
• 16:41
  SPEAKER_00: I love that you say overcoming overwhelm and you talk about calming the nervous system because that can be done in so many ways.
• 16:51
  SPEAKER_00: And what I like to do and start with with my clients with everything starts with a feeling.
• 16:58
  SPEAKER_00: And so if the feeling is calm or relaxed or grounded or steady, whatever that feeling word is, what are the actions?
• 17:09
  SPEAKER_00: What are the behaviors?
• 17:10
  SPEAKER_00: What are the routines, the rituals, the things that you can do to ground yourself, to steady yourself?
• 17:17
  SPEAKER_00: And so it's not about specific practices per se, but it's about doing the things that bring you to those feelings of calm, relaxed, steady, grounded, et cetera, and then focusing on taking the actions that bring you there because we're all going to find a different sense of calm.
• 17:38
  SPEAKER_00: For some people, drinking peppermint tea lights them up, energizes them for the day.
• 17:42
  SPEAKER_00: For other people, it helps them sleep.
• 17:44
  SPEAKER_00: So there really isn't this one size fits all or this one potion that I can give to you.
• 17:50
  SPEAKER_01: But what I can say is you should just give us the answer.
• 17:54
  SPEAKER_01: Sorry, I interrupted.
• 17:56
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, there is you're saying there's no one size fits all or no magic potion, even though I would really love the magic potion, please.
• 18:03
  SPEAKER_00: But there is the formula.
• 18:05
  SPEAKER_00: So the formula is your feeling word, okay?
• 18:08
  SPEAKER_00: So we're gonna meet halfway here.
• 18:11
  SPEAKER_00: We're gonna meet with that feeling word.
• 18:13
  SPEAKER_00: And so if you can focus on the feeling word, it doesn't matter what actions you're taking throughout the day, it's the actions that are gonna bring you closer to that.
• 18:22
  SPEAKER_00: So if feeling relaxed for you means starting your day with calm and quiet and a cup of tea, well, guess what?
• 18:30
  SPEAKER_00: You can start your day with calm and quiet and a cup of tea.
• 18:33
  SPEAKER_00: If feeling relaxed also is kicking your feet up at the end of the day and just allowing yourself to sit down with your own presence and your own feelings and your own thoughts, great.
• 18:43
  SPEAKER_00: If feeling relaxed is going to a kickboxing class and punching the crap out of a bag, guess what?
• 18:51
  SPEAKER_00: You can go do that.
• 18:52
  SPEAKER_00: And it doesn't have to be kickboxing every day or putting your feet up every day or starting your morning with calm and quiet because maybe you don't have that luxury of starting the day like that every time.
• 19:02
  SPEAKER_00: But you can start incorporating all of these other things throughout your days, throughout your weeks.
• 19:08
  SPEAKER_00: And again, go back to scheduling it in your calendar, make time, just put relaxed for one hour or 30 minutes or 15 minutes, whatever you can do.
• 19:17
  SPEAKER_00: And slowly start to do the things that make you feel that way.
• 19:22
  SPEAKER_00: And then you'll slowly start to move away from the things that don't make you feel that way.
• 19:27
  SPEAKER_00: And of course, when you're going through that separation, especially when it comes to the logistics and the legalities, there are things you can't avoid, but there are things you can do to kind of cushion the time around that to help you ground and to help you calm that nervous system.
• 19:41
  SPEAKER_00: And you know, we can talk about breath work and we can talk about meditation, but it doesn't work for everybody.
• 19:46
  SPEAKER_00: So again, come back to the feeling word because that's gonna work for you.
• 19:51
  SPEAKER_00: That's what I would say.
• 19:52
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, awesome.
• 19:53
  SPEAKER_01: I often say to my clients when they're in the messy middle of this separation, divorce, okay, so you're driving to you're driving to an appointment, be it a medical appointment, legal appointment, you're driving to pick up your kids from school, or you're waiting for them to come out of soccer training, whatever it is, get there two minutes early.
• 20:11
  SPEAKER_01: Two minutes early, sit in your car, give yourself two minutes.
• 20:14
  SPEAKER_01: If you can do five, ten, great, but everybody can do two.
• 20:18
  SPEAKER_01: Two minutes early to just focus on how you want to feel, how you're gonna show up in that meeting, particularly if it's a if it's an activating type meeting like with a lawyer or a financial advisor.
• 20:29
  SPEAKER_01: How do I want to feel when I'm uh moving into that meeting and how do I want to feel when I'm coming out?
• 20:34
  SPEAKER_01: So yeah, that's an interesting what I I love the way you say focus on the feeling, and then what behaviors and actions do we need to take to bring more of that feeling in.
• 20:45
  SPEAKER_01: I also love that you touched on, you know, not everybody has the luxury of a calm, quiet morning, because lots of my clients are whether they're navigating their separation, divorce, or through the other end, they've got small kids who, and I know when my kids were little, we often had, we often started the day in the five hours, 5 a.m.
• 21:06
  SPEAKER_01: Five is too early for me, but I didn't have the luxury of a calm, quiet idea, divorced calm and quiet, but I didn't have the luxury of time in the mornings.
• 21:16
  SPEAKER_01: It was just up, go, let's, you know, let's start.
• 21:19
  SPEAKER_01: So what about for those who don't have the luxury of time or who don't have a partner or community?
• 21:29
  SPEAKER_01: Um, because for lots of single parents, they don't have that extra support, that extra layer.
• 21:34
  SPEAKER_01: You know, they can't get up at six o'clock and go for a run or go to the gym leaving the kids at home.
• 21:39
  SPEAKER_01: It's just not an option.
• 21:40
  SPEAKER_01: So, how can somebody in that situation really start to build and uh build healthy habits and habits that stick, you know, because we all do the three months of gym membership and then the the other nine months of gym membership go down or you know start to speak kindly to ourselves and then get stressed and overwhelmed and the kids are making noise and it's you know the that inner critic fires up again.
• 22:07
  SPEAKER_01: So how can we build and help form help build healthy habits when we don't have community or partner, support or privilege of time.
• 22:18
  SPEAKER_01: And how do we make them stick long term?
• 22:20
  SPEAKER_01: It's easy to say, yeah, consistent, consistent, consistent, but how do we make them stick?
• 22:25
  SPEAKER_00: Mm-hmm.
• 22:25
  SPEAKER_00: These are some hard questions.
• 22:27
  SPEAKER_00: But they're great and they're really important to be asking because first of all, I really want to circle back to what you said about that two minute time.
• 22:36
  SPEAKER_00: So I like to call these mindful transitions.
• 22:40
  SPEAKER_00: And we are always on doing things.
• 22:44
  SPEAKER_00: And as parents, you know, you're it's easy to get it's easy to get distracted or to have someone interrupt your time or your space or whatever that is.
• 22:54
  SPEAKER_00: And I think because we live in such a fast-paced busy world, it's really easy to not take those two minutes.
• 23:03
  SPEAKER_00: And you're right, everybody does have two minutes.
• 23:06
  SPEAKER_00: So what I like to encourage with those transitions is before you do anything, just take one second to ask yourself the question or however many seconds you need, how do I want to show up for this?
• 23:20
  SPEAKER_00: And again, you can you can stick with the same feeling word the whole day.
• 23:24
  SPEAKER_00: If you want to feel calm all day today, that's your thing.
• 23:28
  SPEAKER_00: But if you want to feel present with your kids, then your word is present for that moment.
• 23:33
  SPEAKER_00: If you want to show up with energy for a call that you have with a client or with a podcast guest, if you want to show up strong in a meeting with your ex where you are feeling very fragile, then you can ask yourself, how do I want to show up in this moment?
• 23:51
  SPEAKER_00: How do I want to show up for this next person?
• 23:53
  SPEAKER_00: And you you know what I do it I drive home from work I've just been in front of people all day.
• 23:58
  SPEAKER_00: I come home from the studio I park the car.
• 24:02
  SPEAKER_00: As I'm turning the car off I say how do I want to show up for my partner and my family when I walk through those doors.
• 24:08
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm telling you that small practice and and I try I I mean I can't tell you that I'm perfect and I do it every single time I transition to the next thing but I will tell you that when I sit down at my desk and I'm ready to jump on a call with somebody before I open that laptop I'm asking that question.
• 24:25
  SPEAKER_00: Those little triggers of sit down at your desk, open your laptop, ask the question or sit down in your car, turn the key, ask the question how do I want to show up for this next thing that I'm going into this next event, this next meeting, this next interaction, especially with your kids how do you want to show up for your kids?
• 24:43
  SPEAKER_00: Because they are watching every single thing that you do everything.
• 24:48
  SPEAKER_00: And so I think one of the keys to consistency is keeping things really simple.
• 24:53
  SPEAKER_00: What is a simple trigger that can remind you maybe that's an alarm on your phone.
• 24:57
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe you need to have that um buzzer going off with a little label check in.
• 25:02
  SPEAKER_00: How are you showing up right now?
• 25:04
  SPEAKER_00: Or maybe it's your word calm, strong, flourished whatever it is.
• 25:08
  SPEAKER_00: So there are these little things that we can do to help us.
• 25:13
  SPEAKER_00: Big thing you can do to stay consistent is give yourself grace.
• 25:18
  SPEAKER_00: You're going through a lot and the people around you are also going through a lot especially the little ones when they don't know how to express all of their emotions they're going through a lot and they're gonna they're gonna have a lot of energy and a lot of emotions to express and not the tools to be able to do that.
• 25:37
  SPEAKER_00: So if you can show up as your best self with as much grace and presence and kindness to yourself as you can, you're not only gonna give yourself permission to try again tomorrow let's how can we make it better tomorrow?
• 25:52
  SPEAKER_00: How can I show up tomorrow?
• 25:54
  SPEAKER_00: But you're also going to create that ripple effect again into your family, into the communities that you do have even if they're not so supportive and into every other interaction you have with other people and that's a really big piece of it is every day is a new day.
• 26:11
  SPEAKER_00: Consistency doesn't mean every single day it means never giving up and that's really important to remember.
• 26:18
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah really important is that yeah and I love giving yourself grace being kind being compassionate you're going through a lot a lot so small incremental change or small shifts um and yeah being kind and graceful gracious with yourself at the end of the day when maybe things went a bit pear-shaped or wobbly yeah I also really liked when you said um you know bring that feeling of I want to be strong in this or going stepping into this meeting um yeah how can we build habits that empower us you know that that's your whole podcast empowering women how can we build those habits that empower us because for a lot of my clients they do have to have those meetings those conversations those in interactions with an ex-partner that they're finding really activating and really triggering so how do we how do we what sort of habits can we build that really feed that in that self-belief self-empowerment what do you think about that I think at the root of it it's a lot of self-love it's a lot of forgiveness and again going back to the grace and this can be really tough especially if we're separating from relationships that have maybe been abusive or we haven't felt like we can express ourselves fully or maybe we've lost ourselves throughout the process I've known a lot of people myself included who've gone through breakups where I'm like who am I?
• 27:58
  SPEAKER_00: What do I even like?
• 27:59
  SPEAKER_00: Who what do I even want to do with my day and it's really this journey of self-discovery.
• 28:06
  SPEAKER_00: Now I am a bit of a personal development nerd and so I really like reading all kinds of self-help books and that's where I get a lot of ideas from or inspired to take action from maybe it's a podcast that you really enjoy that really helps spark joy into your life or just inspires you to take some sort of action to helping yourself.
• 28:34
  SPEAKER_00: So if you're looking for your podcast we'll drop a oh thank you yes the women's empowerment podcast um yeah exactly so anything that really can help you see you for who you are and community plays a huge part of this so anyone you have in your corner I sometimes call my friend spawning and I just say I need a pep talk I need you to tell me that I'm okay and that everything's gonna be okay and even though I know deep down in those dark moments in those really messy you know the those tears and the snod and the hiccups and all the things that come from big feelings because we're going through big things you know you've got to have somebody in your corner and if if it can't be you in the moment can it be something else another tangible practice could be your gratitude journal.
• 29:29
  SPEAKER_00: This is so people roll their eyes at me all the time and you listen I was an eye roller for this one but I tried it because I'm someone who says okay well let me prove you wrong but I was proven wrong I did a gratitude journal and I just put it on my phone I wrote the date I wrote like what's today's date and then you write down I just wrote a little list of all the little things that happened to me that day and I started with three to five things.
• 29:56
  SPEAKER_00: That's it three things that I could be grateful for.
• 29:59
  SPEAKER_00: And then I noticed that I was writing little paragraphs every day.
• 30:03
  SPEAKER_00: And what was really cool was I put it all in one note on my phone.
• 30:07
  SPEAKER_00: And when I was having a down day or a really tough time or maybe you just left a really difficult conversation or meeting I can look back on that gratitude list and I'm scrolling through and I'm like okay I'm just gonna scroll scroll scroll stop and then I read that you know I had the best almond croissant ever today.
• 30:26
  SPEAKER_00: It was so delicious.
• 30:28
  SPEAKER_00: Or a stranger helped me with my groceries because they saw me struggling or someone complimented me on my outfit today and that really made me feel gratitude that day or the sun was shining so perfectly when I was reading my book and I actually had quiet time.
• 30:45
  SPEAKER_00: You know whatever those little tiny things are I had the best cup of tea and I didn't burn my tongue on the first sip.
• 30:53
  SPEAKER_00: You know it's like anything that you can find gratitude in.
• 30:56
  SPEAKER_00: And the thing is is that once you're building this and it's compounding, you have all of this information, all this data, all of this evidence to say, yeah, you know what I'm really grateful.
• 31:08
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, I'm having a really crap day and this sucks right now but look at all of this joy that I have in my life and you just keep adding to that.
• 31:17
  SPEAKER_00: And I think what's cool too is I did it for over a year.
• 31:19
  SPEAKER_00: And what I would do is kind of like Facebook and Instagram memories they're like a year ago today.
• 31:24
  SPEAKER_00: So I would scroll back to the year I'm like okay this time last year this is what was happening I just think wow look at how much I've grown same thing with making the bed the only thing I had energy for is making the bed and now I have a podcast with over a hundred thousand downloads in it.
• 31:40
  SPEAKER_00: Are you serious?
• 31:42
  SPEAKER_00: I would have never been able to to speak my truth and to share my story if I didn't start with something small that helped empower me.
• 31:50
  SPEAKER_00: So again it's going to be different for everybody but I would definitely advocate for having either a podcast a book or a community member something that you can kind of lean on a gratitude journal little things that you can revisit.
• 32:05
  SPEAKER_00: And I think the book is so important or the gratitude journal so important because you can actually touch it and hold it and it's there.
• 32:11
  SPEAKER_00: And being able to touch something and hold something really brings you back into the present.
• 32:17
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah absolutely I too am a mine a gratitude skeptic um I did the gratitude journaling and I found unlike you your practice expanded mine contracted to I'm grateful for this this and this I'm grateful for this this this this and this and so I shifted mine just slightly I tweaked it and mine is more three to five things that went well today three to five things that I enjoyed today.
• 32:46
  SPEAKER_01: So it's similar similar but it's different so yeah finding your I think finding your own way through that um that journaling practice or that recognition of of things that have happened in your day and I agree having it written down whether it's in a physical journal or in your phone so that you can look back and you have evidence.
• 33:07
  SPEAKER_01: You can track your growth progress the change the shifts and I really encourage listeners but my clients particularly to keep some form of journal be it a gratitude journal or a um a what I don't even know what I call mine.
• 33:23
  SPEAKER_01: But anyway some kind of journal so that they can track progress growth shift change and not just a not just use their journal as a dumping ground for all the shit things that happened but to actually reflect on the positives as well as growth and change.
• 33:38
  SPEAKER_01: So yeah I love that I love that um Val, what's coming up in your business?
• 33:45
  SPEAKER_01: How can listeners connect with you?
• 33:50
  SPEAKER_00: What would you like to that's a great question.
• 33:54
  SPEAKER_00: So I am always talking about things on the women's empowerment podcast.
• 33:59
  SPEAKER_00: I feel like that's where I am consistently showing up for a little more um more immediate connection with me I would say you can find me on Instagram at vallevine life and my website is valerielevinelife.com so some of the things that are going on with my business are that I host a seasonal 21 day challenge.
• 34:24
  SPEAKER_00: It is a very fun way to connect with other women who are working on building healthy habits.
• 34:30
  SPEAKER_00: It's a really great community we all work together within those 21 days to build some sort of habit and whatever that looks like um those challenges are not always running but in between if you need more one-on-one support I also do healthy habit mentorship and that's a very closed intimate container with just you and I where we can dive a little bit deeper into a lot of these tougher questions and customize a little bit more.
• 34:59
  SPEAKER_00: So those are the things that are really exciting me right now in my business and where people can find me.
• 35:05
  SPEAKER_00: Honestly I just love when people slide into the DMs and tell me what's up show me your habits.
• 35:09
  SPEAKER_00: I get tagged in people making their bet all the time which is great.
• 35:13
  SPEAKER_00: I love to see your bet and anything else you're doing because I do want to be a cheerleader for you and I would love to support you in any way that I can with your growth and your habits because like I said it's just going to make this world a better place.
• 35:28
  SPEAKER_01: Awesome absolutely and I'll drop all the links to how you can connect with Val in the show notes.
• 35:35
  SPEAKER_01: So do check her out next question for you Val.
• 35:40
  SPEAKER_01: What habit are you shifting changing leaning into currently what are you yeah great question.
• 35:50
  SPEAKER_00: So I am wrapping up one of our 21 day challenges and actually have a five minute journal that I'm working with.
• 35:58
  SPEAKER_00: So usually I'm a tech kind of gal but I am putting pen to paper and I do enjoy that.
• 36:04
  SPEAKER_00: So I'm working on continuing this five minute journal practice because I really do enjoy it.
• 36:10
  SPEAKER_00: It helps me transition at nighttime.
• 36:13
  SPEAKER_00: So I'm gonna stick with that answer.
• 36:15
  SPEAKER_01: Awesome awesome okay final question and a question that I ask all of my podcast guests if you could choose a piece of music or a song that could support any anybody building healthy habits what would it be okay I might get an eye roll for this one.
• 36:38
  SPEAKER_00: And I really do love Miley Cyrus and I really into her new song Flowers.
• 36:44
  SPEAKER_00: And honestly the more I listen to it the more I just feel like we are our biggest cheerleaders and I tell people this all the time the most important relationship you have in this world is the one you have with yourself because at the end of the day that's who you are going to bed with.
• 37:02
  SPEAKER_00: That's who you have to pull out of bed with or pull out of bed in the morning.
• 37:07
  SPEAKER_00: And if you need to buy yourself flowers if you need to take yourself dancing if you need to do whatever else that happens in that song then this is what you need to do.
• 37:18
  SPEAKER_00: And honestly if you're if your habit is self-love and asking yourself how can I show up for myself today then that's the song that I want to choose.
• 37:26
  SPEAKER_00: Miley Cyrus Flowers final answer.
• 37:30
  SPEAKER_01: I got goosebumps and almost had tears in my eyes.
• 37:32
  SPEAKER_01: Thank you perfect perfect song perfect choice and a perfect way to end our conversation today.
• 37:39
  SPEAKER_01: Thanks Val for being such a generous giver of your wisdom and sharing all of all of what you know to support my listeners to create healthy habits.
• 37:50
  SPEAKER_01: You're an absolute champion thank you thank you so much.
• 37:56
  SPEAKER_00: I love being here this is a great podcast and I'm so happy that a lot of people get to listen to you and your wealth of knowledge and your very gracious supportive voice I feel like when I listen to your podcast episode I just kind of melt there.
• 38:12
  SPEAKER_00: So thank you so much, Sally and this has been amazing.
• 38:16
  SPEAKER_01: I hope you enjoyed listening to that conversation between Val and I just as much as we enjoyed creating it for you.
• 38:23
  SPEAKER_01: Links in the show notes to all the ways you can connect with her.
• 38:26
  SPEAKER_01: Until next time I'm Sally Ann Hartnell Relationship Coach and you've been listening to Reflect, reclaim and liberate you can follow me on Instagram at ReflectCoing and if you can think of anyone who would love this episode please please share it with them.
• 38:43
  SPEAKER_01: I'd also be so grateful if you'd follow the podcast and review this episode so we can get it in the ears of a whole lot more humans just like you who are ready to reclaim and liberate themselves in life and love.
• 38:55
  SPEAKER_01: I hope you'll join me next time for another episode of Reflect, reclaim and liberate.
• 39:00
  SPEAKER_01: Until then