Latest / Get It Got It Girl: Midlife Rebuild / S2 E7 Somewhere Along the way I lost my Spark

Transcript

S2 E7 Somewhere Along the way I lost my Spark · Get It Got It Girl: Midlife Rebuild

• 0:36
  SPEAKER_00: Get it, got it, girl.
• 0:39
  SPEAKER_00: You know what?
• 0:40
  SPEAKER_00: I used to be a little wild.
• 0:43
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, I've been thinking about something lately.
• 0:47
  SPEAKER_00: I used to be a little bit wild, and I used to be excited.
• 0:52
  SPEAKER_00: And when I say wild, I don't mean completely crazy.
• 0:57
  SPEAKER_00: I just mean like I had a little more freedom in me.
• 1:00
  SPEAKER_00: I would go out, I would hang out with people, I would dance, I would listen to bands, I would have a couple drinks, I would get dressed up, I would do something spontaneous.
• 1:13
  SPEAKER_00: I could wake up and think, hmm, what am I going to do today?
• 1:17
  SPEAKER_00: Or what are my plans for this weekend?
• 1:19
  SPEAKER_00: Where do I want to go?
• 1:21
  SPEAKER_00: How do I want to dress?
• 1:22
  SPEAKER_00: What do I want to wear?
• 1:27
  SPEAKER_00: And I think what I miss the most isn't even necessarily the drinking or the going out.
• 1:33
  SPEAKER_00: I miss the excitement.
• 1:35
  SPEAKER_00: I miss having things to look forward to.
• 1:40
  SPEAKER_00: I miss that feeling of putting on an outfit and thinking, oh, I look good.
• 1:45
  SPEAKER_00: Or changing my shirt a couple times and just having my bed full of the outfits that I tried on.
• 1:51
  SPEAKER_00: I miss getting ready just because I wanted to.
• 1:55
  SPEAKER_00: I miss dancing.
• 1:57
  SPEAKER_00: Sure, I dance in the house, but I miss dancing out.
• 2:02
  SPEAKER_00: I miss laughing with people.
• 2:07
  SPEAKER_00: I miss being a little bit unpredictable.
• 2:11
  SPEAKER_00: And like lately, I've been realizing just how different my life is now.
• 2:16
  SPEAKER_00: A lot has happened.
• 2:19
  SPEAKER_00: I left an unhealthy relationship.
• 2:21
  SPEAKER_00: I don't really drink anymore.
• 2:23
  SPEAKER_00: And I can't drive anymore.
• 2:27
  SPEAKER_00: My life has changed in so many ways that I never expected it to.
• 2:33
  SPEAKER_00: And now I have a lot of doctor's appointments.
• 2:37
  SPEAKER_00: A lot of things that I have to take care of.
• 2:39
  SPEAKER_00: And honestly, I spend a lot of time at home.
• 2:44
  SPEAKER_00: I go to the library.
• 2:47
  SPEAKER_00: I work on my podcast.
• 2:51
  SPEAKER_00: That gets me excited.
• 2:52
  SPEAKER_00: I know every time I get in this room, I come alive again.
• 2:56
  SPEAKER_00: That has definitely been something that is fun.
• 3:00
  SPEAKER_00: And every once in a while I get to go to a car show.
• 3:03
  SPEAKER_00: And there's nothing wrong with any of those things.
• 3:06
  SPEAKER_00: But sometimes I look at my life and think, is this it?
• 3:11
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes I'm at home laying on my bed.
• 3:15
  SPEAKER_00: I'm like, is this it?
• 3:18
  SPEAKER_00: And I don't mean that in a depressing way.
• 3:21
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, what do I want the next part of my life to look like?
• 3:25
  SPEAKER_00: Because I'm 54.
• 3:27
  SPEAKER_00: And sometimes I think, well, I am 54.
• 3:30
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe this is what I'm supposed to be doing.
• 3:34
  SPEAKER_00: And I don't want to spend the next several years just dealing with whatever life puts in front of me.
• 3:41
  SPEAKER_00: And I feel like, wow, I have been doing that for the last two years, over two years.
• 3:50
  SPEAKER_00: I want to actually experience my life.
• 3:57
  SPEAKER_00: And I think that's something that I've been slowly realizing.
• 4:02
  SPEAKER_00: For time, I think I was just responding to life.
• 4:05
  SPEAKER_00: Something happened, so I had to deal with it.
• 4:09
  SPEAKER_00: Something needed to be taken care of, so I had to take care of it.
• 4:13
  SPEAKER_00: An appointment needed to be made, and I made it.
• 4:17
  SPEAKER_00: Something went wrong, and I had to handle it.
• 4:21
  SPEAKER_00: Eventually, you can get really good at handling life, but forget to actually live it.
• 4:26
  SPEAKER_00: That's what's missing.
• 4:27
  SPEAKER_00: I don't feel like I'm living life.
• 4:31
  SPEAKER_00: I feel like I'm just going through the motions day by day.
• 4:34
  SPEAKER_00: Everything is the same, like that movie First 50 Dates.
• 4:39
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm not saying I want to become the person I was 20 years ago.
• 4:43
  SPEAKER_00: I don't.
• 4:46
  SPEAKER_00: There are definitely things that younger Tina did that I have absolutely no interest in doing again.
• 4:53
  SPEAKER_00: Kind of a been there, done that kind of thing.
• 4:57
  SPEAKER_00: But there are pieces of her that I do miss.
• 5:01
  SPEAKER_00: What are they?
• 5:04
  SPEAKER_00: I miss her confidence.
• 5:08
  SPEAKER_00: Her spontinuity.
• 5:10
  SPEAKER_00: Her sense of humor.
• 5:13
  SPEAKER_00: Her willing to put on something a little bit different.
• 5:19
  SPEAKER_00: My ability to just walk in a room and be there.
• 5:24
  SPEAKER_00: I've been thinking a lot lately because I've been wanting to dress differently again.
• 5:29
  SPEAKER_00: I've been wanting to wear things that I actually like.
• 5:33
  SPEAKER_00: So I did do this through my closet.
• 5:37
  SPEAKER_00: I tried to buy some floral shirts that were, oh my gosh, nothing wrong with floral shirts.
• 5:43
  SPEAKER_00: Don't come at me.
• 5:45
  SPEAKER_00: Different colors.
• 5:47
  SPEAKER_00: And I couldn't do it.
• 5:49
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, they look good, but I just was like so uncomfortable.
• 5:53
  SPEAKER_00: That was not me.
• 5:54
  SPEAKER_00: I tried to dress for age 54, whatever, whatever that means.
• 5:58
  SPEAKER_00: I thought I had to dress a different way.
• 6:03
  SPEAKER_00: And sometimes, okay, so something as simple as a choker has made me think about this.
• 6:10
  SPEAKER_00: Because I used to wear them.
• 6:15
  SPEAKER_00: And then somewhere along the way I stopped.
• 6:18
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm thinking, why?
• 6:21
  SPEAKER_00: Who said I couldn't wear them anymore?
• 6:24
  SPEAKER_00: I guess it was my brain.
• 6:27
  SPEAKER_00: Who said I had to dress a certain way because I'm 54?
• 6:30
  SPEAKER_00: It's me.
• 6:32
  SPEAKER_00: Who made that rule?
• 6:35
  SPEAKER_00: I'm so tired of rules.
• 6:38
  SPEAKER_00: Because apparently I missed the meeting.
• 6:42
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe I want to wear a choker.
• 6:44
  SPEAKER_00: And my choker's on right now.
• 6:49
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe I want to wear the black outfit.
• 6:51
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe I want, not even maybe, I want to wear the boots.
• 7:00
  SPEAKER_00: I want to put on some makeup and actually feel good about myself.
• 7:04
  SPEAKER_00: And maybe that's not even superficial.
• 7:08
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe there's something important about allowing yourself to enjoy the way you look and feel.
• 7:15
  SPEAKER_00: Because I'm not trying to impress anybody.
• 7:18
  SPEAKER_00: I'm treat trying to reconnect with myself.
• 7:21
  SPEAKER_00: I'm trying to feel like myself again.
• 7:26
  SPEAKER_00: And that's what I've been thinking about.
• 7:29
  SPEAKER_00: Like, I don't want to keep telling my story from the pain place of pain.
• 7:33
  SPEAKER_00: Yes, things have happened.
• 7:35
  SPEAKER_00: Yes, things have definitely changed me.
• 7:39
  SPEAKER_00: Yes, I've had experiences that I never expected to have.
• 7:45
  SPEAKER_00: But I don't want my whole identity to be built around what happened to me.
• 7:51
  SPEAKER_00: I want to talk about what I'm doing now.
• 7:53
  SPEAKER_00: And right now, I'm trying to figure myself out.
• 7:58
  SPEAKER_00: I'm trying to figure out what makes me excited.
• 8:01
  SPEAKER_00: What makes me laugh?
• 8:06
  SPEAKER_00: What makes me want to get dressed up and leave the house?
• 8:11
  SPEAKER_00: What makes me want to meet people?
• 8:17
  SPEAKER_00: What makes me want to dance again?
• 8:21
  SPEAKER_00: What makes me feel like, okay, there she is.
• 8:25
  SPEAKER_00: There I am.
• 8:26
  SPEAKER_00: Here I am.
• 8:28
  SPEAKER_00: And maybe I don't have to figure it all out at once.
• 8:31
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe I can start small, like put on the outfit, wear the choker, go somewhere I've never been, find something to do on a random Tuesday.
• 8:43
  SPEAKER_00: Call somebody I haven't talked to in a while.
• 8:49
  SPEAKER_00: Just try something I've even been putting off.
• 8:54
  SPEAKER_01: Maybe I need to find some new people.
• 8:57
  SPEAKER_01: Maybe I need to get out of the house more.
• 9:04
  SPEAKER_01: Or get a hobby.
• 9:11
  SPEAKER_01: Maybe I need to start saying yes to things again.
• 9:15
  SPEAKER_01: I don't know yet.
• 9:16
  SPEAKER_01: And that's actually okay.
• 9:22
  SPEAKER_00: One of the things that I learned is I don't have to have everything figured out before I start moving.
• 9:29
  SPEAKER_00: I can figure out some of it along the way.
• 9:33
  SPEAKER_00: And maybe that's what this next part of my life is going to be about.
• 9:40
  SPEAKER_00: Not trying to be somebody else.
• 9:43
  SPEAKER_00: Not trying to act my age at 54.
• 9:45
  SPEAKER_00: Not trying to wear 54-year-old clothes.
• 9:51
  SPEAKER_00: Not starting over.
• 10:05
  SPEAKER_00: It's about taking the parts of her that I still love and bringing them with me.
• 10:13
  SPEAKER_00: The confidence, the fun, the cloth, the dancing, the laughter, and a little bit of wild, and maybe even the excitement.
• 10:24
  SPEAKER_00: Because I want to feel excited about my life again.
• 10:29
  SPEAKER_00: I want to have something on the calendar.
• 10:31
  SPEAKER_00: And this is so funny if you look at my calendar.
• 10:34
  SPEAKER_00: There's doctor's appointments.
• 10:37
  SPEAKER_00: I want to have something on the calendar that isn't a doctor's appointment.
• 10:41
  SPEAKER_00: I want to have a reason to put on an outfit.
• 10:47
  SPEAKER_00: I want to go somewhere and think, I'm glad I came.
• 10:51
  SPEAKER_00: I want to meet people.
• 10:53
  SPEAKER_00: I want to hear their stories and I want to make memories.
• 10:59
  SPEAKER_00: I want to see what 54 can look like when I'm not just reacting to life, but actually participating in it.
• 11:09
  SPEAKER_00: So I don't know exactly what's next for me, but I'm curious.
• 11:14
  SPEAKER_00: And honestly, that makes a pretty good place to start.
• 11:19
  SPEAKER_00: I do have a couple ideas, and I've been, oh no, I no, I've never been there.
• 11:23
  SPEAKER_00: I'll be uncomfortable.
• 11:24
  SPEAKER_00: No, no, no, no, no.
• 11:25
  SPEAKER_00: Those are exactly the things I need to do.
• 11:30
  SPEAKER_00: And if you're listening to this and you're sitting here thinking, girl, I used to be fun too.
• 11:36
  SPEAKER_00: I want to hear about it.
• 11:38
  SPEAKER_00: What part of your old self do you miss?
• 11:42
  SPEAKER_00: What did you used to do that made you feel excited?
• 11:47
  SPEAKER_00: Is there a piece of that person that you could bring back into your life now?
• 11:53
  SPEAKER_00: Because maybe you're not supposed to go backward.
• 11:56
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe we're just supposed to remember what made us feel alive.
• 12:01
  SPEAKER_00: Find a new way to have some of that again.
• 12:05
  SPEAKER_00: I'm Tina, and this is Get It Got It Girl.
• 12:08
  SPEAKER_00: I'll see you next time.