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No Is a Complete Sentence, So Why Do I Still Feel Guilty? · RiseUp - Live Joy Your Way

• 0:00
  Kamini Wood: Welcome to Rise Up Live Joy Your Way.
• 0:03
  Kamini Wood: I'm Comedy Wood.
• 0:04
  Kamini Wood: This space is for honest conversations about how we live, love, and meet.
• 0:09
  Kamini Wood: Especially when life doesn't go the way we expect it.
• 0:12
  Kamini Wood: We'll talk about the patterns we fall into, the choices we get to make, and what it looks like to come back to ourselves along the way.
• 0:19
  Kamini Wood: I'm glad you're here.
• 0:20
  Kamini Wood: Let's get into it.
• 0:22
  Kamini Wood: Have you ever said no to something and then spent more time feeling guilty about saying no than you would have spent actually doing the thing?
• 0:30
  Kamini Wood: You finally say it.
• 0:32
  Kamini Wood: I cannot do that.
• 0:33
  Kamini Wood: Or that does not work for me.
• 0:35
  Kamini Wood: And technically, that conversation is over, except it's not over in your own head.
• 0:41
  Kamini Wood: Now you're replaying their response.
• 0:43
  Kamini Wood: Did they sound disappointed?
• 0:45
  Kamini Wood: Were they upset?
• 0:46
  Kamini Wood: Was there a pause?
• 0:47
  Kamini Wood: Did their voice change?
• 0:49
  Kamini Wood: Should I send another text?
• 0:51
  Kamini Wood: Maybe I should explain why I said no.
• 0:54
  Kamini Wood: Actually, maybe you should explain it a little better because perhaps they think you're being selfish.
• 1:00
  Kamini Wood: And suddenly your very reasonable no has turned into a seven-paragraph explanation.
• 1:07
  Kamini Wood: And we hear this phrase all the time.
• 1:09
  Kamini Wood: No is a complete sentence.
• 1:11
  Kamini Wood: I've said that multiple times.
• 1:13
  Kamini Wood: I talk to my coaching clients about it all the time.
• 1:15
  Kamini Wood: No is a complete sentence.
• 1:17
  Kamini Wood: I say it to myself.
• 1:18
  Kamini Wood: No is a complete sentence.
• 1:19
  Kamini Wood: But if you're somebody who feels responsible for how other people feel, the problem is not necessarily knowing how to say the word no.
• 1:26
  Kamini Wood: The issue becomes what happens inside of you after you say it.
• 1:31
  Kamini Wood: And that's what I want to talk about today.
• 1:33
  Kamini Wood: Because guilt does not always mean you've done something wrong.
• 1:37
  Kamini Wood: Sometimes guilt shows up because you're doing something that is unfamiliar and new.
• 1:43
  Kamini Wood: And those are not the same thing.
• 1:45
  Kamini Wood: If you're usually the one who says yes, you're the one who helps, you're the one who accommodates, you're the one who figures things out, then saying no can feel wrong even when it's appropriate.
• 1:55
  Kamini Wood: You can logically know, I really don't have time to do this, and you can still feel terribly guilty about it.
• 2:01
  Kamini Wood: You can know that there's that something's not your responsibility, and you still feel like you're letting somebody down by saying no.
• 2:08
  Kamini Wood: You can know that a boundary is healthy, but you can still feel really bad about holding it.
• 2:13
  Kamini Wood: And it does not automatically mean that that boundary is wrong.
• 2:16
  Kamini Wood: Sometimes it means that doing that, that behavior that's setting that boundary, it's just new and scary.
• 2:22
  Kamini Wood: And this is one of the places, places that I see the pressure pattern show up.
• 2:28
  Kamini Wood: The four pressure patterns that I talk about routinely, but this one today that I'm talking about is the pleaser.
• 2:34
  Kamini Wood: And I know the second people hear people pleasing, they tend to picture someone who desperately needs everyone to like them.
• 2:41
  Kamini Wood: And I would say, yeah, sometimes that's that's what it looks like.
• 2:46
  Kamini Wood: But also pleasing can look a lot quieter.
• 2:49
  Kamini Wood: It can look like saying yes before you've even checked in to recognize whether you want to say yes.
• 2:55
  Kamini Wood: It can look like softening a completely reasonable request so much so that nobody actually even knows what you're asking for.
• 3:03
  Kamini Wood: It can look like saying, it's totally fine, while your entire being and body is saying that is absolutely not fine.
• 3:12
  Kamini Wood: It can look like volunteering because nobody else has stepped forward.
• 3:16
  Kamini Wood: And again, it can look like trying to manage someone else's disappointment before they even have had a chance to feel disappointed.
• 3:23
  Kamini Wood: And it absolutely can show up like guilt.
• 3:27
  Kamini Wood: I said no.
• 3:29
  Kamini Wood: Oh gosh, they might be upset.
• 3:31
  Kamini Wood: Therefore, I must have done something wrong.
• 3:33
  Kamini Wood: But let's slow that down.
• 3:35
  Kamini Wood: Somebody being disappointed is not the same thing as you actually harming them.
• 3:39
  Kamini Wood: Those are two very different things.
• 3:41
  Kamini Wood: For instance, your child may be disappointed when you set a limit, or a colleague can be disappointed that you can't cover something, a friend may be disappointed that you're not available to hang out, your partner can be disappointed that you disagree with them, but disappointment is an emotion.
• 3:57
  Kamini Wood: It's not proof that you have done something wrong or that you failed somebody.
• 4:01
  Kamini Wood: And I think that's where things get really tangled up for a lot of us, especially if you've learned very early on to pay attention to everyone else's mood.
• 4:10
  Kamini Wood: Maybe things feel easier when everyone's okay.
• 4:14
  Kamini Wood: Maybe you learn that you need to be the easy one, the helpful one, the good one, the responsible one, the one who doesn't create issues or problems or make waves.
• 4:23
  Kamini Wood: You can become really good at scanning a room.
• 4:25
  Kamini Wood: Who's upset?
• 4:26
  Kamini Wood: Who needs something?
• 4:27
  Kamini Wood: How do I smooth this over?
• 4:28
  Kamini Wood: And you listen, and that can absolutely be a strength and a skill.
• 4:32
  Kamini Wood: Because reading people is very useful.
• 4:34
  Kamini Wood: You know, recognizing people's nonverbals, extraordinarily helpful in communication.
• 4:39
  Kamini Wood: Caring about people is a very good thing until everybody else is consistently getting included in that equation, except for you.
• 4:48
  Kamini Wood: Because if every decision begins with, okay, how is everybody else gonna feel about this?
• 4:53
  Kamini Wood: You're never actually getting around to how do I feel about this?
• 4:56
  Kamini Wood: What is it that I want?
• 4:57
  Kamini Wood: What is it that I have capacity for?
• 4:59
  Kamini Wood: So I want to be clear about something.
• 5:01
  Kamini Wood: Kindness is not the problem, and that's not what I'm saying here.
• 5:04
  Kamini Wood: And I'm not saying that generosity is a problem.
• 5:06
  Kamini Wood: I'm not saying that being thoughtful is a problem.
• 5:08
  Kamini Wood: The question is whether those things are choices or they're reflexes.
• 5:12
  Kamini Wood: There's a big difference between I choose to help you and I'm afraid of what will happen if I don't.
• 5:19
  Kamini Wood: Those can look very similar from the outside, but they really do not feel the same on the inside.
• 5:25
  Kamini Wood: And that's where I encourage you to get curious with yourself.
• 5:28
  Kamini Wood: It's also where I use three really simple words.
• 5:31
  Kamini Wood: Notice, name, and choose.
• 5:33
  Kamini Wood: First, notice what's happening inside of you before you automatically say yes to something.
• 5:39
  Kamini Wood: Someone asks you for something, and what happens within you?
• 5:42
  Kamini Wood: Maybe you've noticed some tightening in your stomach, maybe you immediately know I don't have time for this.
• 5:48
  Kamini Wood: Maybe you actually feel kind of irritated before you even have answered.
• 5:51
  Kamini Wood: Maybe there's even a little voice inside of you that says, please do not say yes to this, please do not say yes to this again.
• 5:58
  Kamini Wood: And before you know it, out of your mouth comes, of course, no problem.
• 6:01
  Kamini Wood: That moment right there, that's the moment that I'm challenging you to start noticing.
• 6:05
  Kamini Wood: Not necessarily three hours later when you're upset with yourself that you agreed to it, but right in that moment where you are, where that automatic yes comes out.
• 6:12
  Kamini Wood: And then name, name what's happening.
• 6:14
  Kamini Wood: Maybe it's my pleasing pattern just showed up.
• 6:18
  Kamini Wood: Maybe I'm trying to make sure that this person's not upset with me.
• 6:22
  Kamini Wood: Maybe just naming uh I'm scared or I'm worried that they're gonna think that I'm selfish or I'm difficult.
• 6:29
  Kamini Wood: Uh, maybe it might sound like uh I'm already telling myself that a good friend or a good leader, a good mother, a good partner would make this work, just name it.
• 6:39
  Kamini Wood: And then it's important here.
• 6:40
  Kamini Wood: You're naming it, we're not judging it, right?
• 6:43
  Kamini Wood: Because this is about noticing what's happening and naming it and offering some compassion.
• 6:48
  Kamini Wood: It's gonna sound like naming it and then, oh, there it is.
• 6:51
  Kamini Wood: And then we move to the third part of this, which is choose.
• 6:54
  Kamini Wood: What do I actually want to do?
• 6:57
  Kamini Wood: Not what answer guarantees that the other person's not gonna be disappointed or feel uncomfortable, but what is it that I actually want to do?
• 7:05
  Kamini Wood: Maybe the answer is still yes, and that's great.
• 7:08
  Kamini Wood: Nothing wrong with that.
• 7:09
  Kamini Wood: This episode is not about walking around saying no to every single thing that everybody asks you to do and then saying, yes, you're empowered.
• 7:16
  Kamini Wood: That's not what this is.
• 7:17
  Kamini Wood: This is if it the if it's a genuine yes, say yes.
• 7:21
  Kamini Wood: The goal is to make sure that you're actually choosing the yes and it belongs to you.
• 7:26
  Kamini Wood: And sometimes we need a little bit of space before we we say yes.
• 7:29
  Kamini Wood: So maybe instead of saying yes, we start working on choosing to speak out in a different answer.
• 7:36
  Kamini Wood: Maybe the answer sounds like, let me check my schedule and get back to you.
• 7:39
  Kamini Wood: I honestly I'm working on the pleaser, I've been working on the pleaser, and that's something I use more routinely now, which is oh, let me check, I'll get back to you.
• 7:49
  Kamini Wood: Sometimes it may sound like, oh, I honestly can't do that this week, or I'm I'm not gonna be available for that because my schedule just is too packed.
• 7:58
  Kamini Wood: And then comes the really hard part give them the answer and stop talking without immediately giving them all the explanations, right?
• 8:07
  Kamini Wood: We're not gonna overexplain, because that's usually what we want to do, is explain why we're saying no.
• 8:13
  Kamini Wood: But this isn't about making them understand your no.
• 8:16
  Kamini Wood: This is just simply giving them the answer of no.
• 8:19
  Kamini Wood: Because at some point, self-trust has to include the possibility that someone's not gonna like your decision.
• 8:24
  Kamini Wood: They may not agree, they might wish you had said yes, they might actually feel disappointed, and you and they can survive that.
• 8:31
  Kamini Wood: And that's the people that I don't, that's the piece I don't think people talk about enough because saying no is not just a communication skill.
• 8:38
  Kamini Wood: It's a self-trust skill.
• 8:40
  Kamini Wood: Can I care about somebody's feelings without believing I have to be responsible for them?
• 8:45
  Kamini Wood: Can I hear I'm disappointed without immediately trying to fix it or translating it into something I translating it into I've done something wrong?
• 8:53
  Kamini Wood: That's harder.
• 8:55
  Kamini Wood: And that's the work, right?
• 8:57
  Kamini Wood: Just paying attention to when you're trying to manage someone else's feelings.
• 9:03
  Kamini Wood: This happens at work routinely, where people continually add stuff to their plate, even though that they're overloaded.
• 9:09
  Kamini Wood: And they what ends up happening is you build up resentment over time, whether for your colleague, if you're taking stuff off of their plate or from your or towards your boss because you're constantly saying yes.
• 9:18
  Kamini Wood: So it's just noticing when you're at capacity.
• 9:20
  Kamini Wood: This happens in relationships routinely.
• 9:22
  Kamini Wood: Maybe you agree to plans that you really don't want to make, and then you feel like your partner never considers you, but again, you've never actually spoken up and said something doesn't work for you.
• 9:32
  Kamini Wood: In parenting, maybe you set a limit and your child gets upset, and now you immediately start negotiating with yourself.
• 9:39
  Kamini Wood: You know, maybe that boundary was too much, maybe I'm being too harsh, maybe I'm being too strict.
• 9:43
  Kamini Wood: Maybe they're just upset, and maybe it's okay that they're upset and we just sit with it.
• 9:48
  Kamini Wood: Because just because somebody's upset with us doesn't mean that we actually have to change anything.
• 9:53
  Kamini Wood: So this week, I don't want you counting how many times you say no because that's not the assignment.
• 9:59
  Kamini Wood: Just notice how quickly you are agreeing to things.
• 10:01
  Kamini Wood: Notice when you start over-explaining, notice when guilt shows up, notice when another person's disappointment makes you want to maybe change your decision and you are overthinking it.
• 10:13
  Kamini Wood: And then ask yourself, did I actually do something wrong here?
• 10:16
  Kamini Wood: Or is this just something that's unfamiliar and new?
• 10:19
  Kamini Wood: Because something that's unfamiliar might just mean that you're in your growth zone.
• 10:23
  Kamini Wood: And if pleasing is one of your pressure patterns, this is where the work starts.
• 10:26
  Kamini Wood: Not becoming less kind, not caring less, not being less generous.
• 10:31
  Kamini Wood: It's by putting yourself back into the equation.
• 10:33
  Kamini Wood: Notice name choose.
• 10:35
  Kamini Wood: That's how we begin to lead ourselves.
• 10:37
  Kamini Wood: And if you're listening and thinking, okay, I definitely do this, or you know, I'm not actually sure which pattern I have.
• 10:44
  Kamini Wood: I do have a pressure pattern spotting tool that can help you start seeing what tends to happen to you under pressure.
• 10:51
  Kamini Wood: And I'll go ahead and put the link in the notes below.
• 10:53
  Kamini Wood: The next time, we're gonna be talking about a pattern that looks almost like the opposite of this one: the person who carries everything, the planning, the fixing, the remembering, the responsibility.
• 11:03
  Kamini Wood: Uh, the person who keeps thinking, if I don't do it, it's not gonna get done.
• 11:07
  Kamini Wood: If you felt personally attacked by that sentence, I invite you to come back.
• 11:12
  Kamini Wood: And until next time, stay curious.