Latest / The Art of Love With Lucia / Episode 683: Why Your Ex Must Lose You

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Episode 683: Why Your Ex Must Lose You · The Art of Love With Lucia

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  In order for your ex to come back, they have to realize they
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  lost you, and they can't feel or realize they lost you until they
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  actually lose you. They can't feel the loss if
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  you're still indirectly showing them that you're interested and
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  giving them hope that you'll take them back in a second.
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  Hi, this is Lucia with The Art of Love.
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  I'm a dating and relationship expert specializing in helping
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  you get your ex back or to get over your ex and I have a
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  special announcement if you try to contact me via my website
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  theartoflove.net using the contact form.
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  I did not get your e-mail if you contacted me using that form in
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  the last two weeks. We just found out there was an
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  issue. It's now been fixed, so please
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  contact me again using the link underneath every single video
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  and podcast. And that is the art of
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  love.net/coaching if you would like to get some coaching.
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  And I apologize for the inconvenience.
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  And welcome back my beautiful no contact Army.
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  Have you been a good little soldier?
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  Hopefully you've stayed in no contact and you've used my
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  Silencio app to help you stay in no contact.
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  And of course, the link to that is underneath every single video
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  and podcast. And if you too would like to
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  join our beautiful and no contact army, all you have to do
• 1:23
  is hit the subscribe button and the bell notification and you're
• 1:28
  in. And to read our manual, go to
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  nocontactsecrets.com where you can read 2 free chapters before
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  you purchase the book. OK, so when someone breaks up
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  with you, in the back of their mind, they know that they can
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  get you back since they were the one who wanted the breakup.
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  They want they're the one who left, not you.
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  Now, obviously they know that they don't have forever, right?
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  You're not going to sit around waiting for them forever, but at
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  some point they know you're going to move on.
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  But they feel that they have at least two, maybe three months,
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  maybe even more than that depending on the relationship.
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  So in order to raise their interest level and have them be
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  attracted to you again, you need to show them that no, actually
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  you're not waiting around for them.
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  They broke up with you and they lost you the day they broke up
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  with you. That's the best way to get their
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  attention. They broke up with you because
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  they thought they could do better than you.
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  They thought they could do better without you.
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  Leaving them alone and doing no contact is the only way for them
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  to feel the void. And in this void, their
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  imagination runs wild. They don't.
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  They know they don't necessarily want you back.
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  But why aren't you contacting them?
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  Why'd you look so darn happy on social media?
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  Why aren't you looking at their stories?
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  Why aren't you breadcrumbing them?
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  What the heck is going on? Are you seeing someone else
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  already? As they start asking themselves
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  these questions, the question mark becomes a hook, as Doc Love
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  always used to say, and it hooks them back in.
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  And by the way, if you want more wisdom from Doc Love, I have a
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  link to his dating book underneath every single video.
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  He's the one that I learned about interest level from.
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  So whenever you hear me talk about interest level, it's
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  thanks to him. So one of the first ways in
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  order for your ex to realize that they lost you is for you to
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  go into no contact and stay there until they say something
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  significant. That means that you have to
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  disappear as if you're in witness protection.
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  And for more rules on how to do no contact correctly, just check
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  out a video I did on that topic and I'll put a link in the upper
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  right hand corner on YouTube. Now, something else you have to
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  do is to not ask foreclosure. The fact that they broke up with
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  you and don't want you is all the closure that you need.
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  And if you still insist on getting closure, do you know
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  why? It's because you have an anxious
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  attachment style. People with a secure or
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  definitely an avoidant attachment style don't give a
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  damn about closure. I have never asked foreclosure.
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  I have never even had the thought of asking foreclosure.
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  That is all about anxious attachment and I did an entire
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  video on closure and of course I'll put the link in the upper
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  right hand corner. Most people ask foreclosure, so
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  if you don't, that is another way of creating a void and
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  differentiating yourself from other people that they have may
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  have broken up with in the past. And for the love of God, do not
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  have ongoing conversations about the breakup.
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  I was speaking with a client the other day and after his ex broke
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  up with him there were all these back and forth long texts about
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  the relationship and the breakup.
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  That is not how you get an X back.
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  You're not going to be able to talk them into coming back.
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  Breaking up with someone is always more of an emotional
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  decision rather than a logical 1.
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  So how is using logic going to win them over?
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  It's not going to. You have to work on their
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  emotions, and you're not going to do that by talking about it.
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  They have to feel as if they've lost you forever, so do not let
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  them air out all their grievances again.
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  You think if you let them talk, you'll be able to talk them out
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  of breaking up with you? No, what you're going to do is
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  you're just going to let them get that off their chest and
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  they'll feel better. It doesn't matter what the
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  reason is. Most of the time they don't even
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  give you the real reason anyway, or then they're not even sure of
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  the reason themselves. They just know that they don't
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  want to be around you anymore. The fact that they no longer
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  want to be with you is the only thing you need to know.
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  Honestly, when someone breaks up with you.
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  So all you do is you say OK, and if they break up with you via
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  text, you can also add you're breaking up over text.
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  Wow, OK, that's it. But I know all of you, all you
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  want to talk, talk, talk and it's not going to get you what
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  you want, which is obviously your ex back.
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  You need to shut up and shut everything down.
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  And if you have to deal with them to get your stuff or to
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  give them their stuff, just be polite and that's it.
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  Don't try to pull the pity card by crying in front of them
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  looking all sad thinking that's going to make them come back.
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  Do you really want someone to take you back just because they
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  feel sorry for you? And I know some of you just
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  answered yes. Well, trust me, you don't.
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  All right, so you've got some growing up to do.
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  Now if they should say they miss you, you don't need to respond
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  to that text. And I have a whole video on how
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  to respond to the I miss you text.
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  And there are circumstances under which you can respond.
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  I love the response to the I miss you text, which is and
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  whose fault is that? Now, obviously that's not
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  appropriate in every situation. However, there are circumstances
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  under which you should not respond to the I miss you text.
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  And more often than not, you probably shouldn't respond.
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  And in fact, one of my clients got the I miss you text and
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  asked me what to do because he was coaching with me.
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  He's paying me to tell him what to do to get his ex back.
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  I told them, do not respond. She's just simply triggered at
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  the moment and she wants some reassurance.
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  Leave her alone. Do not respond.
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  And he said, OK, Yeah, fine. Didn't hear from him for a week.
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  And then I responded, Really? What happened?
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  Yeah. He was on the phone for over an
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  hour. Did he get her back?
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  No. He totally relieved her of any
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  anxiety. So there was no point in
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  responding to that text. Now you may be thinking or he
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  was probably thinking also, OK, but I know my ex and I think I
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  should respond. I think it's what that's why
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  people go rogue. Here's the thing.
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  Yes, you know your ex in a relationship.
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  You don't know them during a breakup.
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  I know your ex during a breakup. Well, how can that be if I've
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  never met them? Because most people behave the
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  exact same way after a breakup. That's how I'm able to help
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  people get their X back. I don't need to know their X
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  because if everyone behaved differently, I'd never be able
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  to help anyone get their X back. I'd be like, I don't know, here,
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  try this. Oh, it's not working right here,
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  try this. But luckily most people behave
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  the same. Once in a while I get thrown a
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  curveball and that's fine. I make a course correction but I
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  wouldn't be able to help people if they didn't all behave the
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  same after a breakup. So no, actually you do not know
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  your ex. You only know how they behave in
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  a relationship. You do not know how they behave
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  after a breakup. And something else you need to
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  do in order for them to feel like they've lost you is to let
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  them know that they are now de prioritizing your life through
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  your actions. So if you still need to be in
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  contact, you can now take a lot longer to respond.
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  And your answers are short and to the point.
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  If you need to meet up for any reason, you're not immediately
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  available. You have things going on and
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  you'll fit them in when you have a chance and when it's
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  convenient for you. They want to be out of your
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  life, so you're giving them what they asked for.
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  Do not reach out on holidays. Special days, definitely not on
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  their birthday. Do you really think that just
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  because you wish them a happy birthday that they're going to
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  decide to get back together or that you're going to open the
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  lines of communication to the point where they want to get
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  back together with you? Or do you really think that if
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  you don't wish them a happy birthday, they're going to be so
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  upset that they'll never get back with you?
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  Come on, you're being delusional as usual.
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  I have a whole video. I have a video and everything on
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  not contacting an ex during their birthday so I'll put the
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  link up. You know they need to see that
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  you're moving on with your life and you're not holding on to the
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  past by wishing them a happy birthday.
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  Your ex needs to feel the loss in order to realize that they've
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  lost you. That's why I'm so strict with
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  the no contact, because if you give them any type of hope that
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  they haven't lost you, they will not feel the loss.
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  That's why you can't look at their stories.
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  That's why you can't wish them a happy birthday.
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  That's why you can't respond to insignificant messages.
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  At some point it'll hit them that even though they walked
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  away from you, you've also walked away from them and are
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  not waiting around, reassuring them that you're still there
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  waiting. Otherwise they have no incentive
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  to come back. And of course, I have to remind
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  you finally that if you cheated or took your ex for granted,
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  then you should not be doing any of these things.
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  You need to leave them alone for at least 30 days after the
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  breakup, but after that, it's your job to win them over if you
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  want them back. OK, so if you would like my help
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  to get your ex back, contact me at theartoflove.net/coaching.
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  The link is underneath every single video and podcast and I
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  am available 24. No, not 24/7.
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  I'm available seven days a week, 16 hours a day for my ongoing
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  coaching clients. So don't worry, I am here for
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  you. And if you found this video
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  helpful, please like, subscribe and share.
• 12:07
  If you're listening to this as a podcast, please rate and review.
• 12:10
  And finally, remember, love inspires, empowers, uplifts and
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  enlightens.