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Expect The Expected: Navigating Hurtful Family Dynamics · No Shrinking Violets Podcast for Women

• 0:00
  Mary: Hi, and welcome to a mini episode of No Shrinking Violets.
• 0:04
  Mary: So we are neck deep into the holidays, and my family celebrates Christmas, and I am hosting them this year, and we do that on Christmas Eve.
• 0:16
  Mary: So we are only three days away, and I am not nearly ready.
• 0:22
  Mary: But um one of the things that I was thinking about today, when I think about what is it about the holidays that makes it so difficult sometimes.
• 0:36
  Mary: And of course, there's a myriad of things.
• 0:39
  Mary: We see people that we don't often see, maybe during the year.
• 0:46
  Mary: So everything is intensified.
• 0:49
  Mary: I think it's more people, it's more everything, more spending.
• 0:55
  Mary: But one of the things that I've talked about before is the idea of expecting the expected.
• 1:42
  Mary: Yet when you think about being with them or, you know, the interactions that are coming, we often set an expectation for them to be, do, act the way we think they should, or to give to us the same goodwill or the same feelings that we give to them.
• 2:06
  Mary: Not everybody has the same heart as you do.
• 2:10
  Mary: So if you have people in your life that you feel consistently hurt your feelings, disappoint you, let you down, think about what happens to cause that for you.
• 2:25
  Mary: And often it comes from the idea that someone is going to act the way we really want them to.
• 2:36
  Mary: So let me put it into a context.
• 2:38
  Mary: Let's say that you have a parent that you never feel like you can please that parent.
• 2:46
  Mary: They often say things that hurt your feelings, or they're very judgmental, or you put a lot of time and effort into something.
• 2:54
  Mary: And here's where we can come back to the holidays.
• 2:57
  Mary: We put a lot of time and effort into things at the holidays.
• 3:00
  Mary: So think about if that is maybe part of the issue that there is a parent or there is someone who you want to please, or you set up this idea of if you do this thing, they're going to react this way.
• 3:19
  Mary: And if you look at the history of your life, or the your history with this person, or the relationship with this person, and you recognize that most of the time they do react in a way that is hurtful to you.
• 3:39
  Mary: Then as you go forward, if you're going to interact with this person or you're falling back into that pattern of if only I do this one thing, if I do this thing that I didn't do the last time, then I'm going to make them happy, or then I'm going to be enough, or then they're going to think that what I did is special enough or I'm worthy.
• 4:03
  Mary: I think we need to look at what is the track record.
• 4:07
  Mary: We need to really honestly look at the history.
• 4:10
  Mary: And nearly 100% of the time in those situations, it's not you.
• 4:16
  Mary: It's not about what you do.
• 4:18
  Mary: Because if you think about how you interact with people and you don't have this way of reacting that is hurtful, or you recognize an effort of someone, even if the end result isn't quite as perfect as they want it to be, you deserve to be treated the way you treat other people.
• 4:41
  Mary: And if there's somebody in your life that consistently does things or says things that are hurtful, then I think you need to expect the expected and just adjust not just that expectation, but adjust what you're doing when you're thinking about what you're planning or all the things that you're trying to get to come together, especially again at this time of year.
• 5:09
  Mary: Think about who are you doing it for?
• 5:12
  Mary: And if it's really that you're trying to achieve acceptance or recognition or something from a certain person, and that typically is not something that ever happens, then I would say, what do you want to do?
• 5:26
  Mary: Do what you want to do.
• 5:28
  Mary: And that way you are making the holiday about the joy that you want.
• 5:35
  Mary: And if you still choose to try to create or do or bake or buy or do whatever the thing is for a certain person who tends to disappoint you, then just go into it recognizing what the likely outcome is.
• 5:55
  Mary: So I hope that if there's someone like this in your life, that you are able to kind of decide what you want to create for you or what you want to create for the people in your life that do see you, that do appreciate you, and also give back to you the level of goodwill and kindness and generosity that you give to them.
• 6:21
  Mary: I hope that you have a beautiful Christmas.
• 6:25
  Mary: I hope that you find peace and tiny moments of joy.
• 6:29
  Mary: And until next time, go out into the world and be the amazing, resilient, vibrant violet that you are.