Latest / Questionable Detour / Shooting a cannon at a family, training people for the apocalypse, and bringing a spear to a public pool

Transcript

Shooting a cannon at a family, training people for the apocalypse, and bringing a spear to a public pool · Questionable Detour

• 0:00
  Excuse me, what is going on here?
• 0:04
  But first we're gonna make a little detour.
• 0:09
  So absurd, so questionable.
• 0:12
  Yeah, I guess we're just the weirdos.
• 0:15
  Expect the detour.
• 0:17
  We only get about 75 to 80 years on this planet.
• 0:28
  75 to 80 years of consciousness.
• 0:32
  We're here and then we're gone.
• 0:34
  You live, you laugh, you love, you cry.
• 0:38
  People come in and out of your life.
• 0:40
  You watch sunrises, you watch sunsets, and you die.
• 0:44
  You return to the dust.
• 0:46
  You'll be forgotten by two generations later.
• 0:48
  Your name, your face, likeness will no longer be there.
• 0:52
  Evan is an exception with all the porn he leaves on the internet.
• 0:56
  He'll be commemorated.
• 0:58
  He's like the Lincoln monument.
• 1:01
  I've been immortalized.
• 1:05
  But in saying that, this podcast has been going on for a year.
• 1:08
  And I'm glad that we have wasted, and you have wasted, precious minutes.
• 1:14
  Precious minutes of your life going right down the drain.
• 1:19
  So every time you hit play on this, just know you have 75 years
• 1:22
  and you're wasting it with us.
• 1:26
  This is time we could have been spending with our families.
• 1:29
  Growing as people.
• 1:30
  And instead we took a hard right and went the other way.
• 1:33
  If you could put 53 hours into any skill,
• 1:37
  you'd be pretty close to being a master of that skill, right?
• 1:40
  Like you would be very good at it.
• 1:43
  Now, let me ask you, do y'all feel very good at this?
• 1:47
  Is this something that's very good?
• 1:50
  I think I get a low grade fever every time we do this.
• 1:54
  I leave here with a headache.
• 1:57
  But this episode is coming out on the one year mark of our initial episode.
• 2:02
  So I wanted to say a little something just to commemorate it.
• 2:07
  So if you ever want to sit down and just listen to 53 hours of this,
• 2:12
  go ahead, see if you don't end up in a psych ward.
• 2:15
  So looking back over the year, y'all look a little more wrinkly,
• 2:18
  a little more saggy eyes, just slightly more dead.
• 2:23
  There's nothing behind them.
• 2:24
  How do you think y'all grown by sitting here in this little room,
• 2:28
  yelling into a mic?
• 2:29
  I think we care less.
• 2:31
  We had goals prior to prior to coming in here and a couple of weeks in,
• 2:35
  those all faded away.
• 2:37
  I mean, I think my brain has gotten more smooth.
• 2:40
  It looks like a cue ball on like a pool table right now.
• 2:44
  Every time I turn my head, I can hear it rolling around in there.
• 2:47
  I've gained a greater appreciation for death.
• 2:52
  God, you're marking it down.
• 2:54
  You're waiting.
• 2:55
  Yeah, I mean, I just get it now.
• 2:57
  You know?
• 2:57
  Yeah, when I said you have 75 years on this planet,
• 3:00
  you were like, that is too long.
• 3:01
  It's way too long.
• 3:02
  That is your appreciation for your death, not our death, right?
• 3:05
  We'll see.
• 3:06
  Yeah, this is going to be like a murder suicide thing.
• 3:10
  That's how that's how the last episode is going to end.
• 3:14
  Classic murder suicide.
• 3:15
  And we're not even going to know when it's the last episode.
• 3:17
  No, no.
• 3:19
  Who is going to edit that episode?
• 3:20
  Who's going to put it out?
• 3:21
  I don't have the log in.
• 3:24
  I'll wipe the monitor down with the blood.
• 3:28
  So you're saying so you are saying we've just been hollowed out.
• 3:31
  We're I think so.
• 3:32
  It would have been more productive for us to get brain cancer.
• 3:35
  We would be more ourselves.
• 3:37
  You would have made more money with brain cancer, though, I think.
• 3:40
  Yeah.
• 3:40
  Could you know you could have done like a GoFundMe?
• 3:42
  That's true.
• 3:43
  Yeah.
• 3:43
  You know, you wouldn't have to put money into anything.
• 3:47
  Right.
• 3:47
  Yeah.
• 3:48
  And we sink money into this.
• 3:51
  So much.
• 3:54
  One year.
• 3:55
  You've been with us the whole time.
• 3:57
  Thank you.
• 3:58
  You haven't given us anything.
• 3:59
  So I want to go to make that clear.
• 4:01
  I don't know why I'm thanking you.
• 4:02
  The net profit of this whole venture is the same as it was a year ago.
• 4:10
  And I, you know, I don't know if that makes me sad or not.
• 4:12
  But in saying that, we have a little preliminary email from a listener that we're going to read.
• 4:18
  And it reads like this.
• 4:20
  Top of the morning, Alan Zachary and Devon.
• 4:24
  Please get my name right.
• 4:25
  Is that you?
• 4:26
  I think so.
• 4:27
  I mean, I don't know who else Devon would be because they didn't mention me.
• 4:30
  Was Devon the sexier guy that was in here earlier?
• 4:33
  I do have been the guy that was in here.
• 4:35
  I heard.
• 4:35
  Yeah.
• 4:36
  Well, yeah, he was just steamy.
• 4:39
  Ripped to the bone.
• 4:40
  Yeah.
• 4:41
  Devon had a tribal tat, but it didn't look bad.
• 4:46
  Yeah.
• 4:46
  He was so steamy.
• 4:47
  You could see your face in his pecs.
• 4:50
  I brushed my teeth while I was sitting there.
• 4:52
  Very tall.
• 4:53
  I was looking straight at his nipple.
• 4:56
  We have Evan, which is less sexy.
• 4:58
  I just don't have the D.
• 5:02
  Yeah, Devon without the D.
• 5:06
  But the email continues.
• 5:08
  I'm very tired and famished when I get off work in my white collar job at four twenty nine sharp.
• 5:14
  When I'm leaving the parking lot and trying to turn right onto a busy road, I'm having
• 5:18
  trouble getting others attention to let me out.
• 5:21
  What would you advise me do to get their attention?
• 5:24
  P.S. I love Evan's soothing voice.
• 5:26
  Let me tell you. Let me tell you, Mr.
• 5:28
  K. Evan is built for radio.
• 5:30
  He's got it.
• 5:32
  He might have a soothing voice, but his face is like running and face planting on gravel.
• 5:38
  Like it is not smooth like a mule after a rock slide.
• 5:44
  It's like I stuck my head in front of an 18 wheeler going down the highway, but it only hit my head.
• 5:52
  He popped out of a manhole cover at the wrong time.
• 5:54
  Yeah.
• 5:54
  All right.
• 5:55
  Well, how do y'all gain the attention of other people in cars?
• 5:59
  Like if you want to maybe turn or you maybe want to merge, how do you get the attention of other drivers?
• 6:05
  I think if you're going to get something from the drivers, it's important that you also give something to them.
• 6:11
  So I'd say Mr. K. should use the barter system.
• 6:15
  I say that he barter his way into different lanes.
• 6:18
  So you're thinking this is like a very trafficked area, like it's stopped.
• 6:22
  I think I think he has to drive through probably 16 lanes of traffic.
• 6:27
  It's like a final level of Frogger for for Mr. K.
• 6:32
  And he's just like going car to car being like, I can give you some watermelons.
• 6:37
  You let me in.
• 6:38
  I'll give you watermelons, pudding, just any anything he has, a sewing machine, any anything he has, just common things he has in the back of his car.
• 6:46
  Maybe do you give him the advice of like of being an auctioneer doing it in the same way?
• 6:52
  Like the style of an auctioneer to say things really fast?
• 6:56
  I would say that's that's probably probably a good start for him.
• 6:59
  I think that way also works.
• 7:00
  If you start saying things fast, sometimes people just listen to you.
• 7:03
  They it doesn't matter what you're saying.
• 7:05
  They just enjoy the presentation.
• 7:06
  Right, right.
• 7:07
  They might let you over just for that.
• 7:08
  Maybe get on their hood, get on the hood of the car.
• 7:10
  Maybe start auctioning off the things in your vehicle.
• 7:13
  Maybe so.
• 7:14
  I think it's good.
• 7:15
  Evan, what should Mr. K. do to get the attention of other drivers?
• 7:19
  So let me ask you, what's the number one thing that gets people attention these days?
• 7:22
  Uh, guns.
• 7:23
  Guns.
• 7:24
  Interesting answer.
• 7:25
  Alan?
• 7:26
  Um, the water.
• 7:27
  Did he say water?
• 7:30
  I think he thinks we all live in the Sahara Desert.
• 7:33
  I don't know if he thinks this is water world or...
• 7:36
  Look, when when people listen to this episode months from now, when water is just...
• 7:42
  God, you're like telling the future.
• 7:44
  When water is the most important commodity, you'll understand.
• 7:47
  Okay.
• 7:48
  Okay.
• 7:50
  Don't like that omen, but no, you're both wrong.
• 7:52
  The answer is plays.
• 7:54
  Plays.
• 7:54
  Plays, yeah.
• 7:55
  So screenwriter.
• 7:56
  Yeah, screenwriting and playwriting and whatnot.
• 7:58
  I'm gonna hold a small reproduction of Les Mis in the middle of the intersection.
• 8:04
  Have people screaming from windows about bread and whatnot.
• 8:08
  And justice and whatever else Les Mis was about.
• 8:11
  I've never actually seen it.
• 8:12
  It was a long movie.
• 8:14
  Lots of frits.
• 8:16
  Yeah.
• 8:16
  Uh, so while they're occupied with that, I'll kind of just zoom through.
• 8:20
  Uh, they'll be like, why is there Toyota Camry in Les Mis, you know, 1700s France?
• 8:27
  Just trying to drive around the actors and actresses?
• 8:30
  Yeah, just trying to weave through the traffic of that is my play.
• 8:34
  And of course they're screaming at me because I'm driving through their production.
• 8:38
  And it kind of adds.
• 8:39
  Oh, you're not with the production?
• 8:41
  I am, but they feel disrespected.
• 8:44
  Ah, okay.
• 8:44
  You didn't tell them that was your whole point.
• 8:46
  No, I didn't tell them why they were doing this or what it was for,
• 8:50
  but they did get me across the intersection.
• 8:54
  When you're across the intersection, do you stop, open your doors,
• 8:57
  and they all crowd in like a clown car?
• 8:59
  No, I have no connection with them after that.
• 9:02
  I actually kind of forget that I'm trying to get home and I'm like,
• 9:05
  oh, is that a production of Les Mis?
• 9:07
  And I kind of just pull over.
• 9:09
  Yeah.
• 9:09
  I'm like, oh, that's a Javier or whatever.
• 9:12
  Let me ask you a question.
• 9:13
  Does it have to be Les Mis?
• 9:15
  Could you do like a Charles Dickens dance?
• 9:21
  They could, but the actors that I have are very limited.
• 9:26
  So they could try Charles Dickens?
• 9:27
  Limited mentally?
• 9:28
  In all aspects, physically, emotionally.
• 9:31
  How limited mentally?
• 9:32
  Like limited as far as chromosomes go?
• 9:35
  Just limited.
• 9:36
  We'll keep it at that.
• 9:39
  But yeah, they try their best,
• 9:41
  but it all kind of just boils back down to Les Mis at the end.
• 9:45
  So they could start out in a monologue of Charles Dickens
• 9:48
  and somehow they're yelling about bread or capture.
• 9:50
  It's just really bread based for you.
• 9:52
  Yeah.
• 9:53
  Or like prison.
• 9:54
  You watched the first little bit of Les Mis,
• 9:56
  and you're like, that's all I need to say.
• 9:58
  I bet I know what the rest of this is about.
• 10:00
  I've honestly never watched the beginning.
• 10:02
  I haven't watched any of it.
• 10:04
  It's the French, so they're always yelling about bread.
• 10:06
  Yeah, they're always, always yelling about something.
• 10:08
  And some injustice of some kind.
• 10:10
  They're always protesting, so.
• 10:12
  That's very good.
• 10:12
  Um, Mr. K, here's what I would do.
• 10:15
  I would gather as many flares as possible, a whole box of them, 50.
• 10:21
  You remember that scene in Jurassic Park
• 10:23
  when he's trying to get the Tyrannosaurus Rex's attention,
• 10:26
  where he's just waving that flare around?
• 10:28
  I want you to do that, but I want you to light all the flares at once.
• 10:31
  People are going to stop when they see the inside of your car light up
• 10:35
  like Christmas and just hear your wails
• 10:38
  as you are gaining third degree burns driving across lanes of traffic.
• 10:44
  It looks like it looks like a train with the smoke bellowing from the windows
• 10:51
  between the light and your painful screams.
• 10:54
  You're going to have people crashing into ditches and light poles.
• 10:57
  They're not going to be able to pay attention to anything else.
• 10:59
  To be dramatic, I think is how I sum it up.
• 11:03
  So you wouldn't be able to see them, but they would see you.
• 11:06
  You're not seeing anything because between the heat and the light,
• 11:11
  you are just pressing the gas pedal and hoping that you
• 11:14
  you have a lane to go through.
• 11:16
  What's the difference between you and the suicide bomber?
• 11:20
  I'm not going to get 72 virgins.
• 11:22
  OK, all right.
• 11:24
  For this act, I guess. I don't know.
• 11:28
  I'm not going to get 72.
• 11:29
  I'm going to get one crusty old man.
• 11:32
  His name is going to be Lewis.
• 11:35
  He's going to be grumpy.
• 11:37
  He's just I'm going to die.
• 11:38
  And it's just going to be him in a wicker chair.
• 11:42
  And he's like, I'm all you got for eternity.
• 11:45
  Buckle up, boy.
• 11:49
  There you go, Mr. K.
• 11:50
  Technically not our advice segment, so legally you don't have to do any of them.
• 11:55
  But we suggest you do because it's sound device.
• 11:58
  But let's get into it. Welcome to Questionable Detour.
• 12:02
  Let's do a hypothetical.
• 12:03
  Dave, can I pose a somewhat abstract, purely hypothetical question?
• 12:08
  I guess I want to apologize for asking a hypothetical question.
• 12:12
  Well, that's a hypothetical question.
• 12:14
  So at the moment of this recording, it's the end of February going into March.
• 12:19
  So it's not exactly pool season, but we want to help people get ready
• 12:25
  for the summer.
• 12:26
  When they are gallivanting to pools, their own or public pools.
• 12:31
  So what do y'all do when y'all walk into y'all?
• 12:36
  Y'all open the gate of a public pool.
• 12:38
  I think it's important to look like you know what you're doing.
• 12:43
  Because at public pools, there's just so many rules and regulations and steps that
• 12:51
  you may not be accustomed to.
• 12:53
  So I think the one rule at a public pool is maybe don't run, don't pee, don't molest the children.
• 13:00
  See, you just keep naming things.
• 13:02
  There's so many things.
• 13:03
  So many rules for you.
• 13:04
  That's hard for you to follow.
• 13:06
  Well, there's just a lot of steps that you got to take to get in the pool.
• 13:09
  Like, you know, oh, are you supposed to take your shirt off before you get in the pool?
• 13:13
  After you get in the pool?
• 13:14
  Are you supposed to have a towel around you when you get in the pool?
• 13:16
  Or like, is you're supposed to sit that out?
• 13:18
  A lot of social layers you have to peel back and forth.
• 13:20
  Nobody ever thinks of the social aspect of it.
• 13:23
  Yeah.
• 13:24
  And it can just cause people a lot of anxiety and make people not want to go to the pool.
• 13:29
  So I'm here to tell people how to overcome that.
• 13:31
  What you want to do is watch other people, see what they do and try to mimic that.
• 13:40
  But you don't want to just stare at people.
• 13:42
  That would be weird.
• 13:42
  Okay.
• 13:43
  Right.
• 13:43
  So when you get there, you want to kind of get in the pool.
• 13:49
  You want to kind of look occupied, be fiddling with your things.
• 13:53
  Fiddling with what?
• 13:53
  Your things.
• 13:54
  Things.
• 13:54
  Things.
• 13:56
  Okay.
• 13:56
  And maybe you see, you know, an old man over there.
• 14:01
  Just kind of steal some longing glances over at him to see what he's doing.
• 14:06
  What are you longing for?
• 14:07
  His confidence.
• 14:08
  Knowledge.
• 14:09
  Yeah.
• 14:09
  Knowledge.
• 14:10
  And just kind of keep doing that.
• 14:13
  Just kind of keep glancing over there for as long as it takes.
• 14:17
  Sure.
• 14:18
  Maybe somebody notices you looking over there and you just got to cut back real quick.
• 14:22
  Like you're not doing anything.
• 14:24
  But yeah, I mean, if you get enough glances in, you'll see exactly what they're doing
• 14:28
  and be able to mimic that.
• 14:29
  So are you going to mirror these people exactly?
• 14:33
  Try your best.
• 14:34
  So somebody's maybe putting on sunscreen, you're right behind them, you know,
• 14:38
  mimicking their exact motions.
• 14:40
  Yeah.
• 14:41
  I mean, you see them put on sunscreen.
• 14:43
  You don't want to let them get away.
• 14:44
  So you want to get a little close to them and start getting every of the same nook
• 14:49
  and every of the same cranny.
• 14:50
  Yeah.
• 14:51
  Yeah.
• 14:51
  Really watch it.
• 14:52
  Do you lose yourself to the point that you think you are that person that maybe the child
• 14:57
  of the father that you're mimicking yells, daddy.
• 15:01
  And you're like, he turns and you turn as well.
• 15:04
  You do think, oh, am I that child's father?
• 15:07
  And then you turn back and you're like, whoa, it breaks.
• 15:11
  Yeah, you come back to reality and you're like, you got to snap out of it.
• 15:16
  You can't get lost in this.
• 15:17
  You slap yourself to help you snap out of it.
• 15:19
  Yeah.
• 15:19
  I mean, you do whatever you can splash some water on your face, whatever you have to burn
• 15:23
  a cigarette into your arm.
• 15:25
  Yeah.
• 15:25
  And then the five seconds break and you glance back over and you you're locked back
• 15:30
  into being that child's father.
• 15:32
  You're back into your little fantasy world.
• 15:34
  Yeah, it's but then you snap back out of it.
• 15:38
  So it's only weird for like five to 10 seconds.
• 15:41
  So like to say Alan is at a public pool.
• 15:43
  He's poor.
• 15:44
  He's at a public pool.
• 15:45
  And Alan, you know, he takes off his shirt.
• 15:47
  You've come in like a full like ski suit.
• 15:50
  Yeah.
• 15:51
  You didn't understand social norms at all.
• 15:53
  Yeah.
• 15:53
  You know, I have my helmet and my goggles on.
• 15:55
  Right.
• 15:56
  You should.
• 15:56
  Now you see Alan.
• 15:57
  Alan's confident in a public pool.
• 15:59
  Like too confident.
• 16:00
  Take it.
• 16:01
  It's it's very misplaced.
• 16:02
  Like there are kids around, you know.
• 16:05
  Do you immediately want to be Alan?
• 16:07
  Do you that you immediately wanted to copy what he's doing?
• 16:11
  Yeah, maybe I'll steal some glances at Alan.
• 16:14
  Just I guess get out of my ski get up and yeah, you're going to do that pretty quick.
• 16:18
  Then just, you know, for five to 10 seconds, watch what he's doing as he's, you know, pushing
• 16:23
  kids into the pool and calling himself the alpha.
• 16:28
  Yeah.
• 16:29
  Really taking long looks into the mirror, checking himself out the hand mirror.
• 16:35
  He brought a mirror.
• 16:36
  Yeah.
• 16:37
  He brought a mirror and he didn't bring a lot of swimsuit.
• 16:40
  Let's just say that.
• 16:41
  Oh, man.
• 16:43
  Where did he put the mirror?
• 16:44
  You know.
• 16:47
  So Alan being the alpha, the pool alpha, you saw Evan just staring across the pool.
• 16:52
  He's got he has a ski outfit.
• 16:54
  Very easy to see him.
• 16:56
  Very easy to notice that I've been staring at you every five seconds.
• 17:00
  Air office ski goggles.
• 17:01
  The guy wearing the most clothes staring at the guy wearing the least.
• 17:06
  Do you maybe take him under your wing?
• 17:09
  Do you see a needy individual who doesn't quite get the social dynamic of a public pool?
• 17:16
  Yeah, I see him over there and I notice all the garments that he's wearing and I can see
• 17:19
  he's he's out of season.
• 17:23
  So I kind of give him a little come hither motion with my finger, you know, come this way.
• 17:27
  Not too seductive though.
• 17:29
  Not too seductive.
• 17:29
  It's more and more instructional.
• 17:31
  Not not as not as seductive as you would think.
• 17:34
  Like a construction manager directing a forklift kind of that sexiness.
• 17:39
  Sort of like a like a dad at a boat ramp.
• 17:43
  So I sort of call Evan over and I kind of I'm sort of trying to feel him out.
• 17:48
  Kind of why is he why has he got on so many clothes?
• 17:50
  What does he have under there?
• 17:51
  I don't know.
• 17:53
  That's that's what I'm trying to find out.
• 17:56
  Evan, so now like we're playing this kind of situation now.
• 17:59
  The person that you're staring at notices and calls you over.
• 18:03
  What's your what's your kind of move?
• 18:04
  Well, I mean, obviously at first you just kind of your first instinct is to scatter.
• 18:09
  Get a little tripping over people in the chairs.
• 18:14
  You're knocking over people's drinks.
• 18:15
  Right.
• 18:16
  But you just kind of like throw your head back like you're not you weren't actually looking at
• 18:20
  them like, oh, you just caught me at the wrong time.
• 18:23
  But then you're like, OK, you kind of psych yourself into it and you start walking over there.
• 18:27
  OK.
• 18:28
  Yeah, because when a man tells you what to do, you do.
• 18:30
  Yeah, there's no turning back whenever that man locks in and beckons you.
• 18:36
  So you're walking over there and you're like, oh, God, what did I get myself into?
• 18:42
  You know, this guy's so cool.
• 18:44
  He knows all the pool do's and don'ts.
• 18:47
  Yeah.
• 18:48
  And I look like a buffoon out here.
• 18:50
  At the same time, it's like, you know, maybe he's here to help me.
• 18:53
  You're looking for a mentor.
• 18:54
  Little did I know I am.
• 18:56
  Now, Alan, what's one pool rule you can give Evan as his now mentor, I guess?
• 19:01
  I think one of the one of the ones that I like to live by for specifically public pools is
• 19:08
  don't eat anything out of the pool filters.
• 19:11
  Does that include frogs?
• 19:13
  That does include frogs.
• 19:14
  I know.
• 19:15
  I know when you open one of those things up, you're like, oh, man, what did I just find?
• 19:18
  I could make a soup out of this.
• 19:22
  Let me this buffet.
• 19:24
  Let me pump the brakes on that real quick.
• 19:26
  We don't need to be doing that.
• 19:28
  Now, I know you were planning on doing.
• 19:30
  Yeah, I had one just kind of in my pocket right here.
• 19:33
  Pool filters are going to be a no go here.
• 19:36
  We're strictly bringing snacks we brought in or snacks that other people brought in
• 19:39
  or snacks that other people if you can sneak a snack, right?
• 19:43
  I mean, sneak a snack, you know?
• 19:44
  Yeah, of course.
• 19:45
  Of course, that makes sense.
• 19:46
  I think another good rule is the person sitting on top of the tower watching the pool
• 19:51
  is a lifeguard.
• 19:52
  It's not it's not a time to play, try to play King of the Hill.
• 19:55
  You know, the game where you try to get somebody off the tall.
• 19:57
  Yeah, that's true.
• 19:58
  So don't go up there pushing them off.
• 20:00
  My immediate thought was that was a sniper tower.
• 20:02
  So I'm glad you said that you thought it was a guard tower for a concentration camp.
• 20:07
  Yeah, I did not think we'd be able to get out of the pool,
• 20:10
  but you have eased my anxiety a little bit with that.
• 20:13
  Thank you.
• 20:14
  I'm glad we can help you out here.
• 20:15
  I'm learning all kinds of things about the pool right now.
• 20:18
  How long do you stay out there?
• 20:19
  Do you follow people home or are you kind of out there until
• 20:23
  the pool is closed and then you're kind of locked into the pool like a caged animal?
• 20:28
  Yeah, I close down the pool.
• 20:31
  I'm there dusk to dawn.
• 20:32
  I have so much chlorine kind of just in my body
• 20:36
  because I've been drinking the water, of course.
• 20:38
  Oh, we didn't tell them that you think.
• 20:40
  Yeah, well, yeah, you get thirsty.
• 20:43
  You drink the water.
• 20:45
  It's a long, hard day.
• 20:46
  After 50 kids have been in there.
• 20:48
  Yeah. Yeah.
• 20:49
  Yeah. So it's just I get out, I go home, just get a little sick from all the chlorine up and drinking.
• 20:57
  Go home and throw up.
• 20:58
  Yeah.
• 20:58
  At this point, has he drank probably more urine than chlorine?
• 21:02
  Yeah, I think a public pool.
• 21:04
  Yeah, I mean, it's sterile, so it's fine.
• 21:07
  Based off your medical doctor degree?
• 21:09
  Oh, you know, urine, it's sterile and I like the taste.
• 21:12
  I like how he doesn't know social norms of a public pool, but he can just pull out that fact.
• 21:16
  I'm a learned man.
• 21:18
  Do you have trouble going into other aspects of your life when you learn the pool dynamic?
• 21:24
  Maybe do you go into another situation?
• 21:26
  You know, maybe go to a wedding, you know, put you just publicly putting on sunscreen without a shirt on.
• 21:31
  Yeah, it does start to melt over into everything else I do.
• 21:36
  I went to a bar mitzvah once and.
• 21:38
  Were you invited?
• 21:39
  No, I went to the bar mitzvah.
• 21:42
  Doesn't matter if the doors were unlocked.
• 21:45
  So you took that as an invitation?
• 21:46
  I was at the bar mitzvah and you know when they kind of lift the guy up in the chair at the bar mitzvah.
• 21:55
  Well, I thought that was the lifeguard, aka sniper tower.
• 21:59
  So I immediately tried to take him out.
• 22:01
  Which you went on Navy Seal on him.
• 22:03
  Yeah, didn't turn out well for me.
• 22:05
  Yeah, OK.
• 22:06
  Got kicked out of the bar mitzvah.
• 22:07
  Well, now you know not to, you know, take out the lifeguard.
• 22:10
  So maybe your bar mitzvah will go a little bit smoother.
• 22:14
  That's good. Copy people.
• 22:15
  Learn from other people.
• 22:16
  Learn from observation.
• 22:18
  It's what smart people do.
• 22:19
  It's what some dumb people do.
• 22:21
  A lot of crossover.
• 22:22
  It's a Venn diagram.
• 22:24
  A lot of smart people.
• 22:25
  Evan on the other side.
• 22:27
  Learn from observation.
• 22:30
  All right, Alan, you open up the chain link fence into a public pool.
• 22:35
  We already know you probably take somebody under your wing like Evan.
• 22:38
  But what else do you do at a public pool?
• 22:41
  Something I like to do when I get into that chlorine filled water
• 22:45
  is I like to immediately size up the people there
• 22:48
  and find out what roles we would all play in an apocalyptic scenario.
• 22:53
  I like to sit there and think if the world were to end right now
• 22:57
  at the public pool, at the public pool, who among us would kind of take charge
• 23:02
  and who would be more of the followers?
• 23:05
  So I like to kind of go ahead and give everybody their role
• 23:08
  just before this even happens.
• 23:09
  Just kind of go around the pool and say, hey, look, if this is
• 23:12
  if we're talking world ending scenario right now.
• 23:15
  Oh, you give them the context.
• 23:16
  Yeah, yeah, I'm saying this is.
• 23:18
  I just assumed you walked up and you went up to a person.
• 23:20
  You were like, you're going to be the shopkeeper.
• 23:23
  And I walk up to him and I say, an EMP has just knocked out
• 23:27
  all of the United States.
• 23:28
  This is what's going to happen.
• 23:30
  You're going to be our runner.
• 23:32
  I don't know which is crazier to give them context or don't give them context.
• 23:37
  Because if you were to go up and go like you're a shopkeeper,
• 23:40
  they're like, this guy's a nut.
• 23:41
  But if you were to go up to them and go, atom bombs have just fallen.
• 23:44
  We're in a nuclear winter.
• 23:46
  You're going to be you're going to be the runner.
• 23:49
  I think context is key in a situation like this.
• 23:51
  I worry that if I were to just walk up to him and say, hey, you're going
• 23:55
  to be the shopkeeper, they might not take me seriously.
• 23:57
  Sure. But even though you have weapons for the apocalypse on you.
• 24:01
  Even though I'm I'm in the pool dressed in post apocalyptic garb, I've got a lot
• 24:07
  of those scarves and goggles.
• 24:09
  Yeah, the goggles on.
• 24:10
  I've got goggles on my face, but also on my neck as well, just in case I lose a pair.
• 24:15
  Do you start giving people weapons?
• 24:16
  Like maybe, you know, you just slide them over a bowie knife and you're like,
• 24:19
  you're going to need this.
• 24:21
  Come the atom bomb.
• 24:23
  Yeah, that's what I come fully prepared.
• 24:25
  I've got weapons strapped inside of my duster that I'm wearing in the pool.
• 24:28
  So I go over to people who I think might might already be inclined to weapons.
• 24:33
  Sure, sure.
• 24:34
  The kids that have all the energy running when they shouldn't be running around the
• 24:38
  pool immediately, I'll give them knives.
• 24:40
  Maybe do you start training the kids in hand to hand combat?
• 24:43
  Just because they're the future.
• 24:45
  Maybe you give them a couple of knives and say, go after it.
• 24:48
  Survival to fitness.
• 24:49
  That's right.
• 24:49
  And I've also got just a ton of old, old leather jackets, dusters with, you know,
• 24:56
  look like post-apocalyptic garb.
• 24:58
  They've got buckles and holes all over them, you know, make the kids put them on and to
• 25:02
  make them wait around in the water with those heavy jackets on this.
• 25:06
  It's part of their part of their training.
• 25:08
  They've got to swim with a knife in their teeth.
• 25:11
  If they drown, you're like, well, they would have never survived.
• 25:14
  They would have been zero good to the pool at that point.
• 25:18
  The ones that survived, do you hand them a little Geiger counter?
• 25:21
  And you're like, no, you just watch that.
• 25:22
  That's right.
• 25:23
  That goes up at all.
• 25:25
  You let me know.
• 25:26
  Is it a Geiger counter?
• 25:27
  It's a thermometer, isn't it?
• 25:28
  It's that.
• 25:29
  That's all we have a Geiger counter.
• 25:31
  I they've got a thermometer on the side of the wall there at the pool.
• 25:34
  So I just grab it and took it off and handed it to him.
• 25:36
  If this starts getting really hot, really fast, a nuclear bomb has just gone off, like
• 25:40
  right off the road.
• 25:41
  Yeah, it's good to keep these guys occupied, you know, idle hands.
• 25:45
  You know, they're not.
• 25:46
  I don't I don't want them to, you know, leave the pool or anything or, you know,
• 25:50
  the public pool is a place of business and action, not fun.
• 25:53
  It is.
• 25:53
  Yeah, yeah.
• 25:54
  For a preparation.
• 25:55
  It's a place of commerce.
• 25:57
  Yeah, I think they're just there to be leisurely.
• 26:00
  Yeah, yeah, yeah.
• 26:01
  Yeah, what a waste.
• 26:02
  Yeah, you got to view everything as training, I think.
• 26:06
  Sure.
• 26:06
  Do you maybe slowly call the weaker men off because you want to create the great genetic
• 26:14
  race after the apocalypse?
• 26:16
  How do you choose who is going to continue to be the leader in the world?
• 26:19
  You into the apocalypse and who is it?
• 26:21
  What I do is I kind of I go over to the corner of the pool that has the elderly.
• 26:25
  Yeah, you know, they they like to stick to themselves.
• 26:28
  Yeah, they've got an intense dominoes game going on over there.
• 26:33
  So what I do to them is I send them out on supply runs.
• 26:37
  Just they won't they won't come back.
• 26:39
  They're not they're not come back.
• 26:40
  We just kind of need to get them out of there to make room for new blood.
• 26:44
  By supply runs, you mean just like across the pool to the vending machine?
• 26:47
  Anything to tire them out and make them go home?
• 26:50
  You see him turn away from the vending machine with an item and just he's so tired.
• 26:54
  He's so tired.
• 26:55
  He's breathing hard.
• 26:55
  And all of a sudden you just see him fall into the pool and you're like he was never
• 26:58
  going to make it in the first.
• 26:59
  No, no, this guy's been up since four this morning with a CPAP machine like he's he was
• 27:04
  not going to survive well during the nuclear winter.
• 27:08
  Now, I assume you're going to be the leader of the new world after the apocalypse, right?
• 27:13
  After looking around and kind of assessing the group, I think the only appropriate leader
• 27:18
  would be myself.
• 27:18
  OK, good.
• 27:19
  Humbly speaking, you know.
• 27:21
  Are you going to go and take out the strongest men at the pool so you can secure your position?
• 27:26
  Yeah, I'm going to have to go get some nice Italian, maybe a movie after.
• 27:31
  Yeah, just really take them out.
• 27:32
  Just out.
• 27:33
  Ah, yeah.
• 27:34
  I mean, you have two options.
• 27:35
  You could kill him or you could have sex with him.
• 27:37
  I mean, really, you're securing you're securing positions.
• 27:43
  Oh, murder for sure.
• 27:45
  He'll take the murder all day.
• 27:48
  Evan wants you to fornicate.
• 27:51
  That's what ever said.
• 27:52
  Now, remember, Evan doesn't understand social cues.
• 27:55
  So I didn't hear that from Evan.
• 27:57
  He said go to Italian.
• 27:59
  Do you think Italian is code for intercourse?
• 28:02
  What do you do when you go get Italian, Zach?
• 28:05
  I'm not allowed in any Italian restaurants.
• 28:07
  Ban from the Olive Garden.
• 28:08
  But anyway, do you remove the individual that is the biggest threat to your leadership position?
• 28:15
  Yeah, I have to take out the toughest guy there and it's I think we're going to have to do it in hand to hand combat.
• 28:19
  Sure.
• 28:20
  I mean, the kids are doing it.
• 28:21
  You might as well jump in.
• 28:22
  The kids are doing it.
• 28:22
  And if I'm training them to be the warriors that they're going to be later on in this apocalypse, I need to.
• 28:29
  Warriors of tomorrow.
• 28:30
  The warriors of tomorrow.
• 28:31
  Yeah, I need to be able to also do the same thing.
• 28:33
  I just take out my 10 foot chain.
• 28:36
  A big chain or is it like small links?
• 28:38
  Oh, it's big links.
• 28:39
  Big links.
• 28:40
  The weapon I give him a nine iron.
• 28:42
  OK.
• 28:43
  So he's given a weapon, you know, unconventional for both of us.
• 28:46
  But one of them is clearly the winner.
• 28:48
  It's going to be the 10 foot chain.
• 28:50
  I just kind of just got sort of beating the tar out of him.
• 28:55
  Not much.
• 28:55
  Not much he can do.
• 28:56
  It kind of wrap around his legs, pull him into the pool.
• 28:58
  Yeah, we just make sure we sink him down to the bottom.
• 29:02
  Yeah, please.
• 29:03
  He's out of the picture.
• 29:06
  I'm the sort of the clear the clear leader.
• 29:08
  You take your place up on the life.
• 29:10
  Yeah, I get up on that.
• 29:12
  I get up on that lifeguard tower and I start taking like a third of the people's snacks at the pool.
• 29:18
  You take your tax.
• 29:20
  We're going to have to put these into the into the storehouse when things get bad.
• 29:22
  So do the storehouse.
• 29:24
  Do you mean your body?
• 29:26
  The storehouse.
• 29:28
  I mean my body.
• 29:30
  Don't worry.
• 29:32
  So you've planned, you've trained, you've predicted the apocalypse.
• 29:36
  What happens when it doesn't come the next day?
• 29:38
  Is it this drink the Kool-Aid situation?
• 29:40
  No, assuming the day ends, the sun sets over a nasty pool.
• 29:46
  Everybody goes home.
• 29:48
  They're well trained.
• 29:50
  I'm not killing off my people.
• 29:52
  These people are probably going to come back.
• 29:54
  They got nothing better to do.
• 29:56
  When they come back, we're going to go through this whole thing again.
• 29:58
  We're going to continue training these eight year old children.
• 30:00
  They're going to be warlords.
• 30:02
  Ideally at the end of the summer, one of them will kill me and become the leader.
• 30:04
  And then that cycle will repeat itself every summer until the atom bombs are dropped on us.
• 30:06
  Well, it's good that you've prepared a whole race for the apocalypse that may or may not happen.
• 30:08
  Yeah, I think it's very nearly going to happen.
• 30:10
  Almost 100% sure.
• 30:12
  In a matter of probably weeks, I would say.
• 30:14
  I'm not sure.
• 30:16
  I'm not sure.
• 30:18
  I'm not sure.
• 30:20
  I'm not sure.
• 30:22
  I'm not sure.
• 30:24
  I'm not sure.
• 30:26
  I'm not sure.
• 30:28
  Yeah.
• 30:30
  I guess I would say.
• 30:32
  Well, here's what I do at a public pool.
• 30:34
  Y'all looked and involved the people around the public pool.
• 30:36
  And I'm not going to do that.
• 30:38
  I'm going to be, it's going to be just mostly me.
• 30:40
  And I'm going to live out my fantasy of being a pirate.
• 30:42
  Now as you know, this is a public pool, it's not very big.
• 30:44
  Not even an Olympic size pool.
• 30:46
  It's small.
• 30:48
  I'm still going to live this out, so I want to get about a 10 foot bass boat.
• 30:50
  I'm going to put a couple of
• 30:56
  I'm gonna put a couple of brooms right in the middle and make a sail and I'm gonna
• 31:01
  Jump on that bass boat in the middle of the pool with my jack sparrow get up and I'm gonna sail around
• 31:07
  Plundering each side of the pool, you know, I'm gonna get to the other side of the pool
• 31:11
  I'm gonna say things like hoi matey and R and I'm gonna pull out a flintlock pistol and rob a family of their goods
• 31:18
  I'm gonna jump right back onto the boat. I'm gonna have a map
• 31:21
  It's gonna be an old map. It's an old map with just like dotted lines to different different parts of my little world
• 31:28
  I'm gonna go to the other side of the pool
• 31:29
  No, I'm gonna create waves cuz you know pirates have to deal with storms out on the high seas
• 31:34
  I'm gonna be just just gonna be me in the middle of the pool screaming
• 31:39
  Say bat batten down the hatches
• 31:42
  It's I'm as I'm just rocking the boat by myself
• 31:45
  People be watching me from the edge just this crazy person in the middle of the pool
• 31:49
  And then I'm gonna come out of the other side. I want to plunder the other side
• 31:52
  I know what the question you're gonna ask. Yes. I have a full-size cannon
• 31:56
  Real-life working cannon on that 10-foot bass boat. It weighs it down on one side very
• 32:03
  And I do use it I load it up I
• 32:07
  Command my ship are they little cannons I load it up and I fire it right through the the concession stand
• 32:13
  That cannon blows back blows my ship right over. I you know, I've lost so many can have so many cannons at the bottom of this pool
• 32:22
  Do you have like a smaller smaller vessel that you dock to the side of your bass boat that you take to shore?
• 32:27
  Yeah, the shore vessel. I know it's a big Tonka truck. It's like the dump truck bed
• 32:32
  I just kind of hop in that just use a couple wooden spoons as oars
• 32:36
  To get over to the to this the shore so that family has to sit there watch me struggle for
• 32:44
  25 minutes as I as I get to the edge of the pool when you get to shore if you will
• 32:50
  To begin the plundering is there a lot of pushback? Yeah, you know, I'm having to fight off many
• 32:56
  Many savages in these new lands, you know, I'm an explorer too. Yeah, there's a lot of pushback a lot of fighting
• 33:02
  You know, I fire a couple cannonballs into the the picnic table that they have over in the corner
• 33:07
  You know, they didn't stand a chance. What do they all they have is some ray-bent sunglasses and flip-flops, you know
• 33:13
  That's that's the weapons they have I I'm years advanced to them with my black powder
• 33:18
  weaponry
• 33:21
  What's uh, what's your pirate name every pirates got a good uh, got a good name
• 33:26
  I think my name was gonna be captain black brow, you know, captain black beard is a very famous pirate
• 33:32
  Well, I I did my own spin on and I have a giant dark
• 33:36
  Unibrow helps me keep out the Sun makes me look fierce makes me very appealing to the women
• 33:43
  You put beads in that thing?
• 33:48
  Yeah, but I put beads in it, you know, I put little designs and I put like a maybe a little little cracking
• 33:53
  A little cracking in the side of it, you know, Evan. I'm looking at a hello kitty barrette on the side of his eye
• 33:59
  Do you see that see that sometimes if I turn my head too quickly hits you right in the eye
• 34:06
  So that's what you've been calling yourself is black brow. Yeah captain black brow. Yeah, that's the name myself myself name
• 34:11
  I got tired of plucking my unibrow. I was like I bet I could I bet I could make something out of this
• 34:16
  Yeah, Alan. Have you seen the newsletters? They've been posting at the pool. I have not what I've been saying
• 34:21
  Just flyer saying watch out for wack beard wack beard. Listen, they just do not support you
• 34:27
  These savages have great PR severe campaigns
• 34:33
  They might not be great at weaponry and warfare, but by the beard they are great at smear campaigns
• 34:41
  The eight and nine year olds you've been enslaving
• 34:45
  They get so mad at me like tie up some people that take them across the pool
• 34:49
  They're confused. They can't figure out how to get over there the world away. So they they put up unfair
• 34:54
  Untrue posters on the other side. It takes a big hit to my confidence as I go back and you know to plunder some more
• 35:01
  On that side of the pool, you know, thanks a lot to damage the confidence of a man who openly wears a unibrow
• 35:08
  That man's already confident
• 35:10
  Beyond leagues. What did the posters say? I haven't seen the posters
• 35:15
  So these are these seem to be new said watch out for wack
• 35:18
  Beard he will try to tie you up and he has illegally put a 10-foot bass boat inside the pool
• 35:25
  So this is America. Give me facts. Yeah, and well, they're like just be aware under that
• 35:30
  I think in small letters it says PS he doesn't have any high seas
• 35:36
  No matter how many times he tells you he does
• 35:40
  Don't go in his boat for drinks or snacks. Yeah, and it says all that under that. That's unfortunate
• 35:46
  That was my main way of getting people into my 10-foot bass boat
• 35:48
  Yeah, they have signs around the pool making you look like a predator
• 35:52
  Just know that they did a full body one where you're in it's your face on the Bigfoot body. Yeah
• 35:59
  In a lopsided 10-foot bass boat from a from a cannon sit on one side
• 36:04
  Yeah, you know being a pirate. It's not an easy life
• 36:06
  You don't get into the trade for the the good reputation
• 36:10
  It's to plunder to pillage to adventure and it really hits you hard last year when they put that hot tub in
• 36:18
  The new addition to the pool and you were like uncharted territories. Yeah, you talk about rough seas
• 36:24
  Yeah, sometimes that the hot tub get they turn on the jets half of your bass boat really gets it. Yeah
• 36:32
  It's just the tip of it
• 36:34
  It's just the tip of it I'm
• 36:40
  Yelling to my crew the batten down the hatches I'm praying to Poseidon himself, which is just a child on the side
• 36:48
  Poseidon turn off the jets
• 36:51
  You know just to stop the the raging seas
• 36:54
  Have you ever thought about settling down hanging up your your pirate hat and cannons?
• 36:59
  You know, we've been at this podcast for a year and I've aged a lot
• 37:02
  So yeah, I've thought about settling down
• 37:04
  There's a quaint Tuscan esque corner of the the right side of the pool and it has a frumpy woman with a unibrow on that side
• 37:13
  And she could give me some below average genetic children
• 37:18
  Looking at a little seaside Villa over there
• 37:22
  It has the umbrella on the table doesn't have any holes in it
• 37:26
  Not yet, not until I get over there to start shooting my flintlock pistol in the air. Forget that things above me
• 37:35
  But yeah, I thought but the point is I thought about settling down it's it's hard the open seas
• 37:41
  The high seas are rough, you know, especially that the high seas are filled with vodka. Yeah, God you're plastered the whole time
• 37:49
  It's hard to aim the cannon
• 37:51
  As you send it over the fits
• 37:57
  You think you keep saying that the high seas are calling your name, but that's just your drunken stupor. Yes
• 38:04
  That's just the police on the side of the bull say get over here
• 38:10
  But I'm in the middle of the pool yelling pointing at him you'll never catch captain black brow alive are
• 38:17
  You know, you know how you had to get one in but
• 38:22
  Yeah, that's what I do, you know, well thankfully as a pirate right now you don't worry about the
• 38:28
  East India Company British East India Company. Yeah, I lived, you know, I lucked out being born in the 21st century
• 38:34
  Yeah, but you can always go to Somalia be a small empire the pools plenty of small. Yeah already. All right
• 38:41
  Small you get any small
• 38:43
  Oh
• 38:46
  Brother
• 38:48
  Yeah, there you go. That's what we do at a public pools. We copy
• 38:54
  people to learn how to be a human and above it full we
• 38:59
  Train and prepare for the apocalypse and then we pretend to be pirates
• 39:04
  Pillage and plunder the areas around the pool, but for our next segment, we're gonna jump into a draft
• 39:19
  All right as we jump into our
• 39:22
  Draft segment our longtime listeners will know that we like to do a spin on just a normal draft
• 39:28
  We like to do a blind draft and what that means is
• 39:32
  One person does not know the subject that we're drafting for the blind person today is Evan
• 39:39
  So Alan and I know the subject and we're gonna draft based on that subject
• 39:42
  Evan's gonna have to draft despite not knowing and then at the end he'll have to guess to see what the subject was
• 39:48
  So in saying that today's situation that we're drafting for is things you bring to a public pool
• 39:55
  So let's jump into it. All right, welcome back Evan. Thank you. Feel like the rooms a little tensor since I left
• 40:01
  Yeah, we tried to lock you out
• 40:04
  You weaseled your way back in here
• 40:06
  We just we just tried to kick you out under the guise of it's the blind draft. So let's get you know
• 40:11
  Evan you need to leave. Yeah, I mean it is my house
• 40:14
  Weird for you to lock yourselves in it's weird that you let us lock you out
• 40:18
  It is your house, you know take control, you know, I guess but yeah, welcome back. We're we've already told everybody the situation
• 40:24
  Situation so good for them Alan first pick the questionable e tour episode 52 draft
• 40:31
  What do you got for my first pick? I am picking a ziploc bag full of only the purple lifesavers
• 40:40
  Very good. I think that's a great first pick. Thank you. I'm sure Evan honing in
• 40:45
  Yeah, exactly what we're doing. I see you calculate got some ideas. I can see both wheels turning
• 40:50
  Yeah, he actually has a calculator over there, which makes no sense. There's no numbers here
• 40:57
  One of the old ones that like kind of rattles to pull the handle
• 41:02
  For my first pick I am gonna be picking a medical defibrillator. So we got
• 41:09
  lifesavers only for one to take into account every
• 41:13
  You get you're doing all that math over there, but you're leaving you're leaving items out. That's gonna be wrong
• 41:18
  The math ain't math in here
• 41:22
  Was like oh the purple ones. Okay, okay back on it. So purple lifesavers and defibrillators
• 41:28
  So two things named the lifesavers
• 41:35
  Man maybe those calculators are working. Um going in the same vein. I'm gonna pick David Hasselhoff another lifesaver
• 41:42
  Like me David Hasselhoff the David Hasselhoff from the spongebob movie
• 41:51
  What he's known yeah, what he's yeah what he's known for that's right when he saves spongebob and Patrick and puts them on his body
• 42:01
  He did do that it's weird when you frame it like that very good David Hasselhoff
• 42:04
  All right, I was fun again details matter from the spongebob movie from the spongebob
• 42:09
  Right, right older still sexy. Yeah
• 42:13
  You know
• 42:14
  All right, Allen second pick. I'm gonna say my second pick is just a felled tree
• 42:20
  How big how big is the tree? How big does it need to be?
• 42:26
  Drag it in a full long this is this is a massive log like I mean, this is a this tree
• 42:32
  Let's say this tree is at least 50 years old
• 42:35
  Okay. Yeah, if that if and I know all of us can picture a 50 year old tree size diameter
• 42:40
  You know, we it's like hugging a like hugging a fat person, you know
• 42:43
  Yeah, just to for my sake thinking about this. What kind of tree is this? This is like an oak like a mighty oak
• 42:50
  Yeah, just a hard wood. Yeah. Yeah, sure. It's an oak
• 42:56
  Yeah, whatever tree was just I don't know like just around okay, whatever trees in your yard, I guess
• 43:02
  How'd you cut it down? I used a team of beavers
• 43:06
  Well trained well trained most people like to do live or are you just taking their
• 43:12
  Flat tails and whacking their teeth on this. Yeah using them like pickaxes. Oh
• 43:19
  Very good
• 43:21
  tree log
• 43:23
  All right. My second pick is gonna be a
• 43:26
  Multitude of urine filled gallon jugs could be three could be 12
• 43:31
  Depending on how hydrated I was and how many I could sneak under some unsuspecting urinators. So now I'm thinking it's
• 43:39
  Maybe things that float
• 43:46
  Less of a link there
• 43:48
  Yeah
• 43:49
  You just stop while you're ahead that being said my second pick. I'm gonna go with treasure
• 43:54
  From the lost city of Atlantis. You just have that handy
• 43:59
  Yeah, I mean it's a little buoyant because there's some air in there that got trapped in there. So it's it floats now
• 44:05
  So he definitely has like children's bath toys
• 44:10
  Yeah
• 44:12
  It says a lamis on the packaging, you know, it's like an old Happy Meal toy
• 44:15
  Yeah, yeah, I just let him believe
• 44:18
  Let him believe it. Yes. So buoyant treasure from the lost city of Atlantis
• 44:22
  Yeah
• 44:24
  Very specific very good second pick. Uh, well, all right Alan third and final pick who you rounding off on your team
• 44:31
  Final pick is gonna be
• 44:34
  fringe cutoff shorts
• 44:38
  Did them canvas
• 44:40
  Oh, yeah
• 44:42
  Very course
• 44:44
  Very coarse
• 44:46
  Rubbing your ross
• 44:48
  It ate all the places
• 44:50
  If there's a crevice
• 44:52
  If there's a crevice is raw now
• 44:56
  You don't have any skin left between your legs
• 44:58
  Oh, no, not a not a chance making a bunch of noise between the the fabric and you yelping
• 45:06
  But let me say that canvas is still carrying some potatoes if you know what I mean
• 45:10
  Yeah, do very good team so far Alan. Thank you. Thank you
• 45:14
  Um, my final pick is gonna be captain ahab's
• 45:18
  spear when he was chasing down the great white whale
• 45:22
  Let's draw those conclusions brother
• 45:25
  All right, so we got can't fringe canvas shorts and captain ahab's spear
• 45:31
  Can we run through y'all's three things before I make my final? Yeah a bag of only the purple lifesavers
• 45:38
  a
• 45:39
  fallen log fallen tree and
• 45:42
  cut off canvas fringe
• 45:44
  shorts, uh mine was a medical defibrillator a variety or a multitude of
• 45:51
  urine filled gallon jugs and captain ahab's
• 45:55
  Spear. Okay. I think I see the pattern here. Yeah
• 45:58
  Yeah, that makes it all clear
• 46:01
  That makes the urine I think that was that's what sealed it for you. Greatly. Yeah, I think for my third and final pick
• 46:07
  I'm gonna have to go with
• 46:10
  the nightly writings of a
• 46:12
  A mental institution patient that nearby at a local hospital
• 46:17
  Like are they edged into a wall or like on a piece of paper either way? I'll take them gotcha
• 46:21
  What are they talking about? That's what i'm here to find out. Oh, is it because you're illiterate?
• 46:26
  I don't know. I'm just i'm just getting them, you know, i'll take them
• 46:31
  Whatever they are because when you write these down, it's you're sleepwalking and you don't remember when you wake up
• 46:36
  Yeah, are you the patient? I've been discharged
• 46:38
  So I can't talk about it nowhere near anything public. All right, you've heard the picks
• 46:43
  What do you think we're drafting for?
• 46:46
  I think this has got to be
• 46:48
  Things you would bring to the funeral of your greatest enemy
• 46:52
  Ah
• 46:53
  Very good. It was that was very close
• 46:56
  Let me go and tell you it was things you bring to a public pool
• 47:00
  Oh, yeah, which could be the funeral of your greatest enemy. That is true. You could have drowned your enemy there
• 47:06
  So, I mean, you know, you're not you're wrong necessarily
• 47:10
  Okay. Yeah
• 47:12
  So so things you bring to a public pool. So let's let's let's really dissect what we brought here allen
• 47:18
  Brought some just the purple lifesavers, which is a great snack for a public pool, by the way a great snack also
• 47:24
  Autistically specific to the color though. Very true. Very true. It's got to be purple
• 47:29
  You're making that mental connection of a lifeguard's
• 47:32
  lifesaver ring, what though they're not very safe because I wouldn't
• 47:38
  You know, they get lodged in your windpipe while you're taking a dive off. That is true. That is true
• 47:42
  You're not supposed to eat them while you dive you fill your entire mouth with them
• 47:47
  You don't eat just one. Well, if you pack them in so tightly
• 47:51
  They can't really move. Yeah, so you're you're safe. You can't just have a couple
• 47:55
  You got to go you got to have the whole bag and you don't want them to move as they're in your windpipe
• 47:59
  Yeah, and you want them to stay stay stationary in your mouth
• 48:02
  You look like you like a redneck with a big thing of two and back in the yeah back in those cheeks
• 48:07
  Well when when they get a little bit of moisture on them, they start to stick together anyway
• 48:11
  So they kind of just form one giant life saver. I thought that was a good one. Your second one was
• 48:16
  Fallen tree log the fallen tree log. That's right
• 48:19
  It's a great piece of a flotation great flotation device
• 48:23
  A lot of people can lay on it
• 48:25
  You know do like some turtles. Yeah a couple pond turtles could could also lay on it. Yeah. Yeah
• 48:32
  Uh, very easy to carry incredibly easy. Just put it assuming that it just fell over the fence and into the pool
• 48:37
  Yeah, yeah, you just found the nearest tree to the pool. Yeah
• 48:41
  But you also could play the old european log game where they sit in the water and they run on it
• 48:45
  That's right. And that could also be how we got the the tree there as well. We could have just
• 48:50
  Just walked it there. Yeah hamster wheeled it to the yeah, that's right. That's right
• 48:55
  Uh final pick was the cutoff french shorts, uh canvas material which was just a fashion statement
• 49:02
  Yeah, I mean like you're not gonna go to the pool in pants. Sure. You're gonna need
• 49:07
  Something of a cutoff variety. You need you need those shins those calves. They're gonna be free and uh
• 49:13
  The canvas though is an interesting fabric
• 49:15
  You know canvas, um, if you wax it properly, uh can be water resistant
• 49:21
  So in case people are splashing you, you know, those kids can be yeah sure rolls right off of you
• 49:25
  Very good. Um, the things I would bring to a public pool, uh medical defibrillator
• 49:30
  Yeah, great for if people's heart stops a fun game to just go in and just stick in the pool
• 49:37
  While there's a bunch of people in there really get some electricity flowing to really get some electricity flowing
• 49:42
  Give them a good but give a good zap multiple thousands of volts just going through the the public pool
• 49:49
  Just send it. It's it's great
• 49:53
  Uh, my second pick was a multitude of urine filled gallon jugs. Why is that? I just i'm glad you asked I
• 50:02
  Am just always so afraid. There's not enough human urine in the public pool
• 50:06
  You know, i'm afraid of showing up and it being too clear. Mm-hmm
• 50:11
  So that way I can just really equalize the ratio of water to urine, you know
• 50:18
  And you think that's necessary
• 50:22
  Necessary for me, okay
• 50:24
  Um, and finally captain ahab's spear in the hit novel moby dick
• 50:30
  You don't even have to explain that one. That one just makes sense
• 50:32
  Like, you know, just in case you see a white whale. Yeah
• 50:38
  By white whale you mean the morbidly obese people who lather themselves in sunscreen and sit out on the lawn chairs
• 50:45
  Absolutely. Sometimes you just need to spear one right in the chest. Yeah, just take one out. Yeah, put them out of their misery
• 50:52
  Um, because you've been chasing those. Yeah, they're they're uh, they're slow, but i'm slower. Um, but
• 51:00
  They're slow, but i'm slower. Um
• 51:04
  All right, evan you you chose some interesting picks to bring to the pool
• 51:08
  I think they're all valid david hasoff would have been a good one. Yeah, yeah, really bringing the star power to it
• 51:13
  Yeah, really got some paparazzi around too, you know
• 51:17
  Yeah, really just made a day of the whole thing
• 51:18
  Were you hoping to ride on his back like spongebob and patrick were in the movie?
• 51:22
  Is that why you referenced specifically that movie? Yeah, I did think that was gonna come up
• 51:26
  So I wanted to make sure it was on the table. Absolutely
• 51:30
  I'm gonna say that's probably dave's best uh, best work. I think yeah, absolutely
• 51:34
  I think so. I think he'll I think he'd agree to it too. Yeah, I don't think many people would argue with that
• 51:38
  uh, my second pick was
• 51:40
  Buoyant treasure from the lost city of atlantis. That's right treasure
• 51:45
  From a place that didn't exist that it also has a weird aspect to it that it floats
• 51:51
  Did this come from?
• 51:52
  A disney happy meal. Yeah when
• 51:54
  When atlantis the lost empire came out. Yeah, you just you got it. You got it when you were like seven
• 52:01
  You're like bad. I can't I can't wait to use this when i'm an adult
• 52:06
  Yeah, I did think it was weird that it came from mcdonald's
• 52:08
  Uh, that does seem a weird place to get lost treasure. You were like is atlantis in there?
• 52:14
  You were really you're really trying to get the information out of them
• 52:16
  Yeah, I figured if anyone has stumbled upon the lost city of atlantis if anyone had the money to stumble upon
• 52:23
  On atlantis, it's mcdonald's. Yeah
• 52:25
  Uh, they found it and I stick by that theory that mcdonald's has found the lost city of atlantis and distributed their wealth
• 52:32
  Through happy meals in the early 2000s. I I think that's a great conspiracy that will be up there along with the jfk
• 52:39
  Brassi knoll situation and you know, 911 the moon landing mcdonald's found atlantis
• 52:47
  My third pick was the writings of a
• 52:52
  Uh mental institution patient from a nearby hospital, right? You need that at a public pool. Why it's just some light reading
• 52:59
  Uh, you know when you're getting a sunbathe
• 53:02
  You just want to have something to take your attention. Is that where you got the mcdonald's atlantis conspiracy off of the
• 53:09
  Off of the tablets of a schizophrenic person
• 53:12
  Yeah, I mean, you know, you just like to kick back read a little book every now and light insanity. Yeah, just
• 53:18
  Just something to get keep your brain churning. You know, that's right. That's very good
• 53:23
  I think I think you really did well with the uh, the items that you brought to a public pool
• 53:28
  Thank you as I say that now let's let's vote on who wins now as our longtime listeners will know
• 53:34
  We vote on who we think won the draft, but obviously you cannot vote for yourself. So alan, who do you vote for?
• 53:40
  So both of your first picks
• 53:42
  solid
• 53:44
  dave and the defibrillator both
• 53:46
  Things that things and people who could help out around a pool. Sure. I mean, uh
• 53:52
  I can see them being both very useful
• 53:54
  It's where the second pick comes in. That's really a divergent for me here
• 53:59
  The floating treasure of the lost city of atlantis. I'm not sure what that's doing at the pool
• 54:05
  floating
• 54:07
  I'm I mean is is it there to make money is are we are we stealing the treasure?
• 54:17
  And then the urine jugs while disgusting I can see him in use
• 54:21
  I mean kid doesn't have his his water wings his floaties, you know
• 54:26
  Let him hold on to two of those jugs got all the buoyancy he needs
• 54:31
  And then
• 54:32
  Schizophrenic writing honestly if i'm looking for some
• 54:34
  Um scapism fiction at the pool to read my first first choice is not going to be schizophrenic writing
• 54:42
  Oh marked it down there. I'm gonna have to give it to zack. Um, the the spear of captain ahab. Um,
• 54:48
  hyper masculine
• 54:50
  Can kill uh just dick in the name
• 54:53
  That too, I guess I'm very masculine very very masculine. Um, so yeah zack's gonna take the take the win for me
• 55:00
  Thank you. Thank you. Here's here's who I think won. I I think the snack from alan's
• 55:06
  Pick was good. The log is just it creates a fun atmosphere
• 55:11
  It has has a multitude of
• 55:13
  big uses
• 55:15
  And then and then your final pick was the canvas cut off shorts
• 55:20
  Just sexy. I mean he's going to the pool looking good with just a log
• 55:26
  a tree um
• 55:28
  In his pants and in the pool
• 55:33
  Oh, you're just looking good. Um evans evans were good too. I think the they all made sense
• 55:39
  How who I mean haselhoff is a great first pick in any situation the lost city of atlantis
• 55:45
  He seems crazy. I'm not totally sure if the writing that he's reading is not his
• 55:50
  Um, i'm gonna go ahead and go with alan i'm gonna go i'm gonna vote alan
• 55:52
  I like the I like the snacks and the sexiness that he brought with it. Thank you. Thank you. It hurts to hear
• 55:58
  I guess it blows down to me now here. Yep, you get the twos. Oh boys the powers in my hands once again
• 56:06
  Alan
• 56:07
  lifesavers versus
• 56:09
  Defibrillator think we have to go with defibrillator on that's good. Yep, pick one tough, but I hear it
• 56:16
  While lifesavers do give you sustenance, uh defibrillators
• 56:19
  Is really shocked the whole system. Yep. So I think that's important
• 56:23
  You'll you'll get a few later after you get done choking on his lifesavers. That's right
• 56:27
  Uh, when second picks come in logs boys, you know me
• 56:31
  Uh, I love a good oak
• 56:34
  And urine jugs while I don't get it. I understand
• 56:39
  Why you don't understand you understand
• 56:42
  Yeah
• 56:43
  I understand why that may be necessary for you because you have mental issues. Sure
• 56:48
  Uh, so i'm gonna have to give it to the log
• 56:51
  Because it's just superior you can all just float on it like some frogs and some toads. Yeah
• 56:58
  Uh god, who doesn't love sunbathing like a turtle? Yeah
• 57:01
  Just perched on a log in the middle of a pond
• 57:04
  God to be a turtle
• 57:07
  So they want to hide away into a shell
• 57:10
  God you just they really have it all
• 57:12
  Uh, and then when third picks come in we got some waxed cut off
• 57:18
  Shorts canvas shorts. Yep. The water repellency is just insane
• 57:22
  That you get from that which I gotta admire that
• 57:26
  Versus captain ahab spear what's more manly than god? Nothing right? Just the chance
• 57:33
  To take out a white whale just to take a life
• 57:38
  Just to to farm some blubber, you know
• 57:41
  That's what every young man wants. Yeah men don't get the chance to go to the sea anymore
• 57:48
  Maritime pastimes have really just kind of gone by the wayside and I think that's what's wrong with americans. Yeah
• 57:56
  Country is founded on blubber
• 58:00
  That being said I think i'm gonna have to go with ahab spear it just it takes us back to our roots
• 58:04
  In the atlantic pacific sea. Yeah our roots us irish descending decent people
• 58:12
  Just hunting down just a moby dick
• 58:15
  So that being said, I think i've got to give it to zach as our winner this week. That's fair
• 58:20
  I I get it. I understand why you chose me
• 58:23
  great
• 58:24
  I and I accept this I accept this victory good. Yeah, you didn't have to
• 58:29
  Do but thank you. I'll take this wind not humbly. No, no, absolutely not
• 58:34
  Uh, and I will go home to my wife hoping that she sees me as a man now
• 58:42
  She'll finally love you so she'll finally give me the respect I want
• 58:46
  Oh, very good. Very good. But as we get to our final moments here on the podcast not alive
• 58:53
  I'm gonna go home to my wife. We don't know when evan's gonna snap into the whole murder suicide thing. We'll see
• 59:00
  Let's give everybody some wisdom. What do y'all have wise men say an eye for an eye
• 59:06
  But wiser men say I carumba
• 59:11
  Yeah, that they do I think it's somewhere in the bible
• 59:15
  you know
• 59:16
  Scientists and the learned men say that the earth is 70% water, but it doesn't have to be let's get those shovels
• 59:23
  Let's start widening our beaches our rivers and our lakes
• 59:27
  I say we should get it up to 80 by next year. Alan misunderstood this
• 59:33
  He thought he was supposed to give his manifesto
• 59:36
  and not wisdom
• 59:39
  Oh, there you go. There's some wisdom for you saturday workers
• 59:42
  Oh, but if you have a hypothetical you need some advice
• 59:45
  You have a subject that you want facts about anything write us in questions with detour podcast at gmail.com
• 59:53
  Remember tell your friends. Let's start a cult. We have leaders here sitting in front of these mics
• 59:58
  We're ready, but y'all want to be done. Yeah
• 1:00:02
  Evan why did you just put the sunscreen on your nipples?
• 1:00:06
  I mean that you're supposed to like kind of rub it on ever you you just are protecting your nipples from the sun
• 1:00:10
  Yeah, I mean you get too much sun on and just gets too chapped and you don't know what to do with it anymore
• 1:00:16
  So i've gotten to where I just put it on my nipples. Yeah, I mean I I get it. It's it's weird
• 1:00:22
  Thankfully, you're covering those up a little bit seeing that there's kids around here
• 1:00:26
  Yeah, I mean if you're gonna get a sunburn don't want it on your nipples
• 1:00:30
  You're allowed to put it in a place
• 1:00:34
  You guys mind if I cut in yeah, I mean you've kind of done it anyway, so I guess go ahead
• 1:00:38
  Sorry about that. Let me let me just get in there real close. We gotta
• 1:00:43
  We gotta we gotta rubbing my nipple. He's wearing a duster jacket
• 1:00:49
  Let me let me just say the water between us all is really warm right now
• 1:01:00
  I'm not gonna point fingers, but let's just say it wasn't me
• 1:01:03
  Listen have you boys ever killed a man?
• 1:01:10
  Like with charm or yeah like with kindness, I know they killed him kindness
• 1:01:14
  Have you ever swam through the swamp bottoms?
• 1:01:18
  With a knife betwixt your teeth
• 1:01:20
  Getting ready to just come up and rob your fellow man. He's breathing so hard right now. It keeps getting warmer
• 1:01:36
  Why we haven't moved
• 1:01:38
  I'm just still sitting here. What's your what are you sailing here friends with?
• 1:01:42
  Why do you have a pair of goggles on your eyes and then another pair of goggles around your neck?
• 1:01:47
  You're your getup makes no sense. You have too many scarves for summer
• 1:01:51
  Hope you boys enjoy this warmth. We're feeling now because
• 1:01:55
  you won't get to experience in the
• 1:01:57
  nuclear winter