Latest / The Shivan Show with Shivan Sarna / Feeling Stuck in Life? Why Success Feels Like Being the Villain | Barbara Barna Abel

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Feeling Stuck in Life? Why Success Feels Like Being the Villain | Barbara Barna Abel · The Shivan Show with Shivan Sarna

• 0:00
  Transformation is extraordinary and it's wonderful.
• 0:03
  It is also very scary because there's a fear that I am not going to recognize myself on the other side.
• 0:08
  We tend to be very unkind to ourselves.
• 0:11
  I am firmly, adamantly, unequivocally hard-caring believer that it's never too late to change.
• 0:18
  Is it ever too late to change?
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  I used to not allow myself to think about it at all because aging intimidated me.
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  But the more I have embraced it, the less afraid of it I am.
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  The woman who is here with me today on the Siobhan Show, Health, Wealth, and Wisdom, is a dear friend.
• 0:35
  Her name is Barbara Barna Abel.
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  And she is someone who I've turned to on many occasions when I had a quandary, when I had a complex issue, when I was like, ah!
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  I'm going to go speak and I need to get it organized in my brain.
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  Please help me.
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  And she's an incredible coach.
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  She's an incredible trainer.
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  She is an incredible author.
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  All around an incredible human being.
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  Hello, Barbara.
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  Hello, Siobhan.
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  Thank you for that beautiful intro and thanks for inviting me.
• 1:03
  It's really a joy and a pleasure to be here with you.
• 1:07
  You know I love to talk to you.
• 1:08
  A day without Barbara is like a day without sunshine.
• 1:10
  Well, and Barbara has been with me
• 1:13
  in the think tank phases of the Siobhan Show Health Wealth Wisdom, and we've spent many an hour trying to figure out if I was going to do this.
• 1:22
  I want to talk to you about, Barbara, is it ever too late to change?
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  I am firmly, adamantly, unequivocally
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  hard-caring believer that it's never too late to change.
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  One, change is the only constant.
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  So we can just accept that, right?
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  Fact-based, even if it's a cliche, it's also very true.
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  The other thing is I do believe people change all the time.
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  I'm a coach.
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  So I inherently believe people can change.
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  And sometimes we reframe it as we grow and we evolve.
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  But when people say people don't change,
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  I was like, I would be out of business or I wouldn't be in this business if I believe that because we have choices and we can learn and we pursue new things and we set new goals.
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  So, yes, I believe, one, that people can and do change all the time.
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  And two, I believe it's never too late.
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  As we get deeper in the weeds, and I'll let you ask another question, I'll be quiet in a sec.
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  You know, it gets into how we define change.
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  How radical is that change?
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  Is it, you know, is it realistic within our grasp from where we are?
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  I mean, I'm not going to wake up tomorrow and be six feet tall.
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  I can't change in that way, for instance.
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  And I don't think that narcissists tend to change.
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  That's actually an interesting point.
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  And that's a fair thing.
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  I mean, we can come up with lots of different qualifiers.
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  However, with that said, I have known and worked with some people who understood and self-identified.
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  Like they've come to terms with the fact that they have narcissistic personality.
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  So they have done work.
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  around that awareness.
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  And so now then we can get into the notion of scales, like, will it always be a part of them?
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  Yes.
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  Is the relationship or in the interface different?
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  Yes.
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  Yeah, that's great to know, because I've very rarely, actually, I've never heard of that before.
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  But I recall you and I having a conversation a long time ago, and you said that and I was like,
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  huh, she seems so smart.
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  I totally didn't believe you.
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  But I have come to embrace the possibilities and the hope around that possibility, because that would be fantastic.
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  I wish them all the best.
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  Yeah, they might be a minority, but they exist.
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  When it comes to people who feel stuck, like, am I ever going to get out of this relationship, this rut?
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  Are things ever going to be better?
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  Yeah.
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  What would you say to someone when they're trying to even start to perceive that there could be improvements?
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  And when we say change, obviously we mean change for the better.
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  Everybody, like, that's what we mean.
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  Like, everybody change for the better.
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  As a planet, please do.
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  Because I remember being on air at HSN and saying, like,
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  Or hearing people say, you know, this is going to change your life.
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  And then the cynic in me was like, change it how?
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  Change it for the better?
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  Well, then I'm in.
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  But if it's just like changing it because you're taking my money, I'm not in.
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  So that's a foregone conclusion.
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  This is all about changing life for the better for you.
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  When someone feels stuck, Barbara, what are some questions or things that they should be asking and doing?
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  One, I've absolutely been there in multiple occasions in my life.
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  So I have tremendous empathy for people.
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  And it's not one size fits all.
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  But the first thing, right, is we stop, take a breath.
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  Two, I think in any one of these moments or in this process, to start with by forgiving yourself.
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  Because I think that it's not what causes us to be stuck.
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  But it keeps us stuck.
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  And it can be...
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  an obstacle to moving forward because of the blame, the shame, the guilt that we put on ourselves, the belief that we're stuck because it's where we're supposed to be or, you know, somehow we're a bad person.
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  We earned it.
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  We're not good enough.
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  We can go completely down the list.
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  So, and that's hard work, right?
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  Is just, but to begin with.
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  So the other I would say is just be open to the possibility.
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  You know, if you're going to visualize, imagine, you know, it's a door and a door is open or it's shut.
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  But imagine a door that's cracked or a door like back in the day, you know, you might put a shoe in the door to keep it open a little bit.
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  Just whatever that is, the visual that it's like, so it doesn't have to be wide open and scary and vulnerable.
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  And you don't even have to have bought in at this point, but you're just like, OK, I'm open to the possibility because that's a big energetic shift.
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  Yeah.
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  It's hard when you can't even imagine that possibility, but I would invite you to go and look at something in your life that was an unexpected good thing that happened that you didn't see around the corner.
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  Like Sadie coming into my life.
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  No expectations.
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  Always said I'm an animal person, not a dog person, though.
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  Love them, but just not mine.
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  Yeah.
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  And then through a series of divine interventions, whatever you want to call it, she came into our lives.
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  And I'm like, oh, my gosh, if only, you know, like I regret not spending every single minute with her that she's been on the planet.
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  But that was like a surprise blessing.
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  There are other things I've worked for to make changes.
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  But those opportunities get presented and you can take them.
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  You don't have to take them.
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  You create them yourself.
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  You don't even recognize that they're there sometimes.
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  Or you're like, I'm going to make that happen.
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  It takes a lot of energy, Barbara.
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  I do think it's about almost like what you're saying, a mental preparation, a spiritual preparation to being ready to receive.
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  That's absolutely right.
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  That is 100 percent because the thing, the identifying the thing, the goal, what I want next, you might not even be ready for that.
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  But so one, so that's what I'm saying.
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  Start with forgiveness and just being like, I'm open to the possibility and making the declaration.
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  I want and need change because the situation I'm in is not working for me.
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  It's not safe.
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  I don't feel good.
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  Any number of those things.
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  So that's I would start there, too.
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  There's a lot of data on the the health benefits and the practical and even the spiritual benefits of starting a gratitude journal if you don't keep one.
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  Only because when we're stuck in the Don La Merde, as the French say, when you're deep in those weeds.
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  Um, you can't see anything.
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  So just stop and like any little thing.
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  And I've been there when it was like, I am so happy and grateful for my morning coffee.
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  I am so happy and grateful for a real housewives marathon this weekend.
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  I mean, like, do you do not have to get again into this like big heavy and think it's like anything that made you feel good, gave you pleasure, made you smile, anything that was like that was good and not bad.
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  Put it on the list because it just starts to it literally you're starting to open neural pathways.
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  And that is another part of the conversation.
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  Right.
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  Now we know that change is possible because we can do brain scans and we see brains, the actual, you know, makeup of the brain changes.
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  And this is a miraculous thing.
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  And so part of that does to also come from how we talk to ourselves.
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  Yeah.
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  Wonderful, wonderful book by a wonderful man named Shad Helmstetter, who's kind of the OG of this.
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  And it's called What to Say When You Talk to Yourself.
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  So part of that is learning the habit, because when we're deep in it, and we're stuck or unhappy and a million other things, we tend to be very unkind to ourselves.
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  So, and that may never stop.
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  I mean, that may, but what the big change is the awareness and suddenly catching yourself and going, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, wait, let me take that back.
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  I want to rewind the videotape or whatever we say now.
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  I'm like, I take that back.
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  I, you know, I don't want to say that thing about myself anymore.
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  Or I don't think that thing.
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  So that is changing the internal conversation.
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  I mean, it's well noted, right?
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  Many of us are, would never say the things we say about ourselves to another person, right?
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  We are so mean.
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  So there's Shad Helmstetter.
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  Another wonderful book I recommend is called Taming Your Gremlin by Rick Carson.
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  Again, same idea.
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  These are simple, gentle, easy things to integrate into your day.
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  Tiny, tiny.
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  90 steps to reduce overwhelm and start to feel, these are just like the baby preparation of this.
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  Even looking at affirmations, looking at beautiful things, whatever that is.
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  I found back in the day before it was all about shopping, like even going to Pinterest or just looking at beautiful flowers or, you know, cute videos of cats and dogs or little children, you know, dancing or falling down, whatever it is that like makes you smile, those things.
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  Again, it's changing the neural pathways.
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  As Mel Robbins would say, that's the science.
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  It's backed by science, you guys.
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  Those are, you know, small everyday steps that anybody can take and that don't cost money, right?
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  You do not, all these resources are generally available on the internet.
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  If you don't have internet, you can go to the library.
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  I'm not like, this is for you.
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  And then the big thing that you identified is the simple statement, I am open.
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  I'm open to receiving these blessings.
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  The next thing I recommend is, you know, I don't know about you, Siobhan, but back in the day, I've been to like a million and one, like how to do a vision board.
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  groups and things, which I, by the way, I still love a good vision board, but, um, a lot of times there's a lot of emphasis on things and stuff where you really want to start is how do you want to feel?
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  I'm tired of feeling sad, tired of the self-loathing.
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  I, you know, so you can get it broadly.
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  Like I want to feel good.
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  Okay.
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  What does good mean to you?
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  I want to wake up without pain.
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  I want to have less pain because many of us might be in a situation where eliminating pain entirely is not possible.
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  But our approach to pain can shift.
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  As one of the coaching maxims that I was trained with is pain is inevitable, but suffering is not because suffering is how we approach our pain.
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  So don't want to get too off on that tangent.
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  But my point is, identify how you want to feel, because that right there is like a big step forward.
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  Because that in itself is a change.
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  And one of the things we're talking about now is the shift in ourselves, when we can't, we can't necessarily control situations outside of ourselves.
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  We might be in a financial situation.
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  We might be in a tough domestic situation.
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  Our work situation, we're caring for elderly or, you know, all the things, all the things.
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  So the one thing you can start is changing yourself and the energy you have around it.
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  Okay, we're going to continue to get personal.
• 11:44
  Have you ever been bloated?
• 11:45
  Like really bloated?
• 11:47
  Have you ever had diarrhea or constipation?
• 11:49
  Or maybe have a combination of all of it?
• 11:51
  Maybe you have SIBO, small intestinal bacterial overgrowth.
• 11:54
  I have answers for you.
• 11:56
  The ones that I couldn't find for so many years.
• 11:59
  The website, my website, SIBOSOS.com, has a ton of free information, some premium courses you can take, small group coaching, and discounts on supplements and other health products.
• 12:12
  What changed everything for me was working with Dr. Allison Seebecker, and she is involved in so many of these projects.
• 12:18
  She is a true and legitimate SIBO expert.
• 12:22
  So if you'd like to work with us, you'd like to find out more, even just want to just take a little look and see if maybe that might be you, then check it out.
• 12:29
  You'll see the links in the description.
• 12:31
  And I hope you don't have SIBO, but if you do, I'm glad we found each other.
• 12:36
  What do you have in your brain right now that's like an absolute no?
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  And believe me, I have crazy good boundaries when it comes to things.
• 12:44
  My sister saw a license plate and the license plate said, no, thanks.
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  She goes, oh, Siobhan, that's you.
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  And I'm like, it is?
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  She goes, oh, yeah, you say no thanks to somebody.
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  Thanks.
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  And I was like, I feel so yes.
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  So that's interesting.
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  But that was her perception of me because I'm just like, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, because I'm so boundary oriented and
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  But that means you're a yes to you.
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  I mean, we could play with that one.
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  And also the fact that there was thanks in there.
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  No, thank you.
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  Like, thanks for thinking of me, but it's not the right thing right now.
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  I mean, that's an energetic shift.
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  There's a difference between like,
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  Correct.
• 13:17
  Right.
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  Oh, no, thank you.
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  That was really kind of like I appreciate being considered.
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  Not the right thing for me now.
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  I'm going to pass.
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  That is very different, that gratitude and just like not a no for no sake.
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  I was big time no to Sadie and the dogs, just like I was not Sadie herself, of course, but no.
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  And then like the universe was like hammering it.
• 13:39
  My sister needed someone to take care of the dog in an emergency for a weekend.
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  And we worked it out and her doggie came and it was sweet.
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  And I just said to her after the weekend, I'm like, it was fine, but like, no thanks.
• 13:54
  But then I saw this dog and this incredible human being who was a military.
• 14:00
  The dog was a soldier and the man was a soldier.
• 14:02
  And they were at the airport.
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  And it was like this dog's energy leapt across everybody in the crowded waiting area.
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  And I swear to you, it was like sending me love.
• 14:12
  Yeah.
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  As animals can and do.
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  But I was like locked into this animal.
• 14:17
  And as I told my husband to in front of this other person, this gentleman who I've like my head never turns.
• 14:24
  But I was like, just call me by my phone number, honey.
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  Like he was a beautiful being.
• 14:30
  I don't know if that's all politically correct to not or say whatever.
• 14:32
  Anyway, I'm going with it.
• 14:34
  The dog was such an energetic and physical manifestation of love.
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  And I could not stop thinking about that dog.
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  And then I couldn't stop thinking about us getting a dog.
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  Shocking.
• 14:48
  And then one thing led to another.
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  And my neighbor's daughter worked for a family who had dogs and blah, blah, blah.
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  Anyway, and now we're a retirement home for Sadie.
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  And she's just such a huge source of love and joy in our lives.
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  And we can't imagine our lives without her going forward and do wish we had had her sooner.
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  Open up the possibilities there.
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  Like, if Siobhan can have a dog, what else is possible?
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  Seriously.
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  And what is waiting for you?
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  Like, really just sit with that and just kind of scan as you're driving around or whatever.
• 15:23
  What is it that I'm constantly saying no to that everyone else seems to be doing really well with?
• 15:27
  And just because someone else really likes something doesn't mean that you have to, for goodness sake.
• 15:32
  I'm just asking everyone to sort of open their hearts and minds to those possibilities and
• 15:39
  not be a no thanks all the time to everything because it could be fantastic.
• 15:43
  Right, Barbara?
• 15:44
  It could be fantastic.
• 15:46
  I love this so much.
• 15:47
  Yes, it could be fantastic.
• 15:48
  And I have a slightly different twist on this.
• 15:51
  But to your point, what that is, is one of the things is if you do an old personal audit is sometimes just asking, like, how is that hard no, if you will, working for me now?
• 16:02
  How is it serving me now?
• 16:03
  Because the circumstances in the past that set in motion the reason why you created that boundary may no longer be relevant.
• 16:14
  And or you might want to be like bamboo and a little flexible.
• 16:19
  And so we can stretch a lot of visual metaphors around that.
• 16:21
  But sometimes you can ask, like, you know, is like.
• 16:25
  there's no law there that says I have to be like a hard no to a dog forever.
• 16:30
  Like, you know, what's the change to that.
• 16:32
  And it was interesting that you wound up because you'd taken care of your sister's dog.
• 16:35
  Suddenly you were open.
• 16:37
  I was going to say, so a little bit of a different version of that is a different way of being a no that's around forgiveness and around deserving.
• 16:46
  Yeah.
• 16:47
  So, and you deserve to feel good.
• 16:52
  You deserve to feel and receive abundance and wonderful things.
• 16:57
  And part of this, for anyone who is new to this kind of work, is it's not at the exclusion of anybody else.
• 17:04
  It's that it's part of our collective divine birthright, that nobody is born to feel bad, diminished, or not.
• 17:13
  um, shamed, whatever you will.
• 17:15
  And so the very vulnerable, I'll tell you that, um, I used to be amazed at people who, um, like we're always going to get PT or like good things happen to them.
• 17:25
  It's like, yeah, you know, I go in and get a massage and my insurance pace where I was like, that never happens for
• 17:31
  And then I wound up, as you well know, I had a lot of pain.
• 17:34
  I had a hip replace.
• 17:35
  I spent 18, 22 months in terrible pain.
• 17:39
  I got to the point where I was scraping bone on bone.
• 17:41
  I had no more cartilage for a very long time.
• 17:45
  But I sucked it up because I come from millennia of women sucking it up.
• 17:52
  And I was actually teary with the first time I went to PT.
• 17:55
  And it was incredible.
• 17:56
  And I was like, I can't believe I get to be here too.
• 17:59
  Like all these other people get to be at PT.
• 18:00
  And I used to think that I was other from them.
• 18:03
  And I was like, now I'm one of those people.
• 18:06
  I'm one of those people who gets to feel good.
• 18:08
  I can't, I leapt to the other side.
• 18:10
  And I never would have identified that as a thing, to be honest, had I not experienced it, if that makes sense.
• 18:16
  So that's why I can speak to this now going, wow, I spent decades like,
• 18:20
  What I'm going to say is energetically, spiritually, whatever, I put up a block.
• 18:25
  You know, I roadblock, wall, however you want to define it, that was not allowing this to come to me.
• 18:30
  So in my perspective of the spiritual understanding that I have, I would actually call that ego.
• 18:36
  Like the soul is totally innately aware of all of the blessings it should receive.
• 18:42
  And the ego, I think, sometimes blocks us from it because the ego isn't just like, oh, they're an egotistical idiot.
• 18:48
  The ego is a barrier to spirituality sometimes and to receiving.
• 18:54
  Yeah, but it depends on how, you know... Terminology.
• 18:56
  Yeah, but also...
• 18:58
  life, you know, how you're raised.
• 19:01
  Oh, please.
• 19:01
  All of it, right?
• 19:02
  And religion, social culture, things, all the places.
• 19:05
  And so this is predominantly a conversation for women.
• 19:09
  And of a certain age, many of us are coming from, you know, we're pre-Title IX, we're pre a lot of stuff.
• 19:15
  And the message was very different when I was raised.
• 19:19
  This is where the terminology for the highest good, I think, can really serve all of us.
• 19:25
  Oh, beautifully.
• 19:25
  Yes, you're right.
• 19:27
  So when I write it on my prayer or note, I always write FTHG for the highest good.
• 19:34
  And the way I first experienced this was about very similar, like, like if you want a blessing and it's, it's a prayer or whatever it is, you want something.
• 19:45
  It was like, be careful, which I don't love.
• 19:48
  It's more like use discernment, which is much, feels much safer and less judgy and shamey.
• 19:54
  So it's, it was like, Hey, this is the way I was originally taught it.
• 19:58
  And I disavow part of this.
• 20:00
  Be careful if you want a, let's say, convertible or you want to live in a mansion.
• 20:05
  You may get that money, but it may be from a settlement because you're also a quadriplegic and you have all this money.
• 20:12
  I was like, oh, that is so warped upon reflection.
• 20:15
  Whatever your prayer is, just say for the highest good for all so that no one else is harmed in the process of you getting your answer to your prayer.
• 20:27
  And it's good for you too.
• 20:29
  I almost was with the wrong person and I really wanted that, but for the highest good.
• 20:34
  You know, like long-term, what was the right decision?
• 20:37
  And it just relieves this burden of my allowed as well as it's a trust fall into your life.
• 20:46
  Trusting the universe that the best will prevail for you.
• 20:50
  Well, that gets around, too, to why we do have to go through certain lessons and experience things.
• 20:56
  And some of us have to learn things multiple times.
• 20:59
  Been there.
• 21:00
  Done that.
• 21:01
  Until we start to figure it out or recognize the patterns.
• 21:04
  But also, we go through things because that's part of life and part of the things that give us...
• 21:12
  the muscle, if you will, or the experience to go have and enjoy and be the things that we want for the highest good.
• 21:21
  Um,
• 21:23
  So sometimes it's really important to have perspective.
• 21:25
  I mean, it's I actually am a believer of the, you know, rejection is protection and redirection.
• 21:31
  And it gets by the time you're my age, it gets easier and easier and easier because you're so well trained.
• 21:37
  You'd be like, oh, yeah, I don't know what it is yet, but thank you.
• 21:40
  I'm presuming it's.
• 21:42
  This was a good thing.
• 21:43
  But when you're younger, just to remember, you know, things will be revealed as they go.
• 21:48
  That's going to go back to my, how do you want to feel like, why do you want the mansion?
• 21:52
  Because that's not a judgment.
• 21:53
  But it's like, what does that provide for you?
• 21:56
  Again, this is not with judgment.
• 21:57
  This gets into value because maybe what you're looking for is external validation.
• 22:02
  That's a core human need, by the way.
• 22:04
  So that is not said with judgment.
• 22:06
  So it's like, what does that mansion represent to you?
• 22:08
  Are there other ways to get that in a more immediate way, in a more meaningful way in your life?
• 22:14
  Because you might not be getting recognition in your work or in your life.
• 22:19
  Or the respect.
• 22:20
  So you look for ways, A, to get it, but also even to identify what does that thing mean?
• 22:25
  Because it used to drive me bananas.
• 22:27
  Again, back in the early days of, you know, when vision boards were getting trendy and all these, you know, maybe 10, 15 years ago, it kind of drove me nuts how many of the people who were selling classes online always had pictures of people traveling in, you know, on private airplanes as like a sign of your success.
• 22:45
  Like, you want that.
• 22:46
  Right.
• 22:47
  First class on Emirates, you want that on your vision board.
• 22:50
  And I was like, okay, but why?
• 22:52
  You know, like I had to be like, it would be nice, but it's not necessary.
• 22:57
  Anybody can rent anything.
• 22:58
  If you can get enough credit on your credit card, you can go get that.
• 23:01
  So to your point, that's what you're getting at.
• 23:03
  It's like, I could go get that thing, but the cost of that was like massive amounts of debt that I'd never be able to pay off.
• 23:09
  And what I really wanted and that flex I wanted from being on the thing, that was a flex versus, you know what, I want to travel in comfort.
• 23:17
  And that means something very... And so there are many, many ways you can get to traveling comfortably.
• 23:22
  And then you're putting it out to the universe.
• 23:24
  And that gets into like, planes are on time.
• 23:28
  I'm surrounded by nice people.
• 23:31
  There's always an extra pillow for me.
• 23:34
  Do you know what I mean?
• 23:34
  There are a bunch of different ways to define what traveling comfortably or...
• 23:40
  elegantly for lack of a better, you know, just like nicely, whatever that means, hassle free, whatever, versus I, I don't know, I want to pretend I'm a real housewife.
• 23:50
  I'm sort of digressing.
• 23:51
  But another thing I wanted to throw out there to Siobhan was also, you know, as you're going through the steps is really asking.
• 23:56
  So we've identified like, how do I want to feel?
• 23:59
  And
• 24:00
  What do I need?
• 24:01
  What do I need?
• 24:02
  And what kind of help?
• 24:02
  Do you need to feel a certain way?
• 24:04
  What do you mean, what do I need?
• 24:05
  Like, you know, I've identified I want to feel better.
• 24:07
  I want some things.
• 24:08
  I want to alleviate pain.
• 24:10
  I want to feel more connected with any number of things.
• 24:12
  So then it's like, what do you need to make that happen?
• 24:15
  Do you need to learn things?
• 24:17
  Do you need external support?
• 24:21
  Do you need to go find experts?
• 24:23
  I mean, literally start asking yourself, what do I need to accomplish this or make this happen?
• 24:27
  What kind of help?
• 24:27
  Because ultimately part of the goal I was going to say is why are we changing?
• 24:33
  Getting into the spiritual, our goal in life is to become more fully ourselves.
• 24:38
  Self-realization.
• 24:39
  And so understanding all of that within this, it's like, so that's where you're asking, what do I need to get there?
• 24:44
  Because maybe what you need to get there is different than what you needed to get here.
• 24:48
  Sometimes it's changing habits.
• 24:49
  We talked about changing the way you think, changing your energy, being open to a possibility, kind of relaxing the tension around the no thanks.
• 24:58
  I'm also a big believer in late bloomers, guys, because I consider myself one.
• 25:02
  So I also believe like in eternal blooming.
• 25:05
  Eternal blooming.
• 25:06
  I love that.
• 25:07
  I'm a late bloomer too, for sure.
• 25:10
  My parents were both late bloomers.
• 25:12
  I mean, that's like part of my legacy for my parents being a late bloomer and being way okay with it.
• 25:19
  So if you're a late bloomer out there, just know you are not alone.
• 25:23
  Some of the besties are too.
• 25:26
  And when it comes to like that feeling of being stuck, we've given you some tips about like how to break out.
• 25:34
  I also want to remind you that your peer pressure is stronger than willpower.
• 25:39
  So having people around you that will embrace that change, is that going to be more difficult?
• 25:46
  Because you feel like, even if they've not expressed that to you, like,
• 25:50
  Are you feeling like, oh, I can't change because it will change the dynamic?
• 25:54
  Oh, I don't want to try to change in front of someone because if I fail, that's another layer of shame.
• 26:00
  There have been occasions with me and David where I've like not started to exercise because I think, oh, what if I don't do it consistently?
• 26:06
  Like, what's he going to think?
• 26:08
  But that's, I think, really important about our internal dialogues about what the external people are thinking about us when we try to change.
• 26:16
  Long way around that.
• 26:16
  But yeah.
• 26:17
  What do you think about that, Barbara?
• 26:18
  Well, that's a really great point.
• 26:19
  And I actually think that's a very real thing.
• 26:22
  That goes... That's deep.
• 26:26
  And that could be a thousand journal prompts.
• 26:28
  I'm slightly exaggerating.
• 26:31
  So that's actually really point...
• 26:33
  well said to get that out of your head if that's a fear because the subconscious that's part of the taming your gremlin your subconscious drives everything and so making friends with your subconscious and really kind of getting in tune with what you're thinking and what you're afraid of is a very helpful tool to moving forward just there's also get data that just getting that either speaking it or writing it down can reduce your anxiety by about 30 percent because you've gotten it out of the head and it's now it's in front of you and can be dealt with so
• 27:02
  Because transformation is extraordinary and it's wonderful.
• 27:06
  It is also very scary because there's a fear that I am not going to recognize myself on the other side.
• 27:13
  So that's a very deep exercise.
• 27:15
  That could be a whole other podcast series to be like, what is that process?
• 27:20
  So that's one.
• 27:21
  It's two layers of shame and interest about how other people are going to perceive you.
• 27:29
  Is real because especially women in transformation, you'll have some people who are like super supportive and other people who are not supportive for a variety of reasons that are socially coded around how women treat other women around body and image and presentation.
• 27:47
  So that is...
• 27:49
  real.
• 27:49
  So I don't want to minimize that for anyone that so that can show up depending on, you know, where you are in life and who are you around.
• 27:56
  And, you know, you'll see those listicles that say, like, get new friends and like, or surround yourself.
• 28:02
  And so it's like,
• 28:04
  Yes, but like easier said than done.
• 28:06
  So sometimes, by the way, that's why virtual groups are joining something like, you know, your podcast community can be very helpful when somebody is in a situation where they have no other support around these sorts of goals, because just to be getting some other messages or a place to go talk about it is extremely helpful.
• 28:23
  Yeah.
• 28:23
  people see what they want to see.
• 28:25
  And it's like, you realize, you know, I go to the gym, and now I go to a gym where there are, you know, tons of weightlifty people, and I'm tiptoeing into the weightlifty thing because I want to be a strong woman into, you know, my late middle age, elderly years.
• 28:41
  I want to be able to, like, hoist suitcases and lift grandchildren.
• 28:45
  And I am a little intimidated in that weight room.
• 28:49
  Oh, my God.
• 28:50
  And by the way, pet peeve, can we all talk about, like,
• 28:52
  I'm going to say it.
• 28:53
  Men who do not re-rack their weights because I can't lift some of them.
• 28:58
  Like you go to something on a freeway and it's like I can't lift that 50 pound circular weight thing.
• 29:04
  I wish you had taken it off and put it back where it's supposed to go.
• 29:06
  But I digress.
• 29:07
  But the thing is nobody's paying attention.
• 29:09
  Nobody's gone.
• 29:10
  Nobody's gone.
• 29:11
  Look at that newbie.
• 29:12
  Look at that old lady.
• 29:13
  She doesn't know what she's doing.
• 29:14
  Nobody's paying any attention.
• 29:15
  They're oblivious to your existence.
• 29:17
  I'm so sorry.
• 29:18
  Yes.
• 29:18
  And so that is something, you know, to remind yourself of.
• 29:21
  And then, you know, we can say affirmations or create mantras around like, I'm in my protective bubble.
• 29:27
  doing my thing.
• 29:29
  The universe supports and protects me.
• 29:31
  I'm safe.
• 29:31
  I'm loved.
• 29:32
  I mean, any of those things.
• 29:34
  But going really deep, another question that gets into change, especially depending on where we are in life and the national stock is asking yourself, what's your money story?
• 29:43
  That is a whole other thing, but that's a real- Talk to me about that.
• 29:48
  What do you mean when you say money story?
• 29:50
  Well, first of all, we don't talk about it enough, right?
• 29:54
  Thank you.
• 29:55
  That is why The Siobhan Show Health, Wealth and Wisdom is in the middle.
• 29:59
  So we're uncomfortable with the conversation.
• 30:02
  And so we need to find a way to be comfortable in ourselves.
• 30:06
  So one is just asking, what is your relationship to money?
• 30:08
  You know, a list of prompts, like what's your relationship with money?
• 30:11
  What's your history with money?
• 30:12
  What was your family's value system around money?
• 30:16
  Was money shared?
• 30:17
  Was it a reward?
• 30:18
  Was it a punishment?
• 30:19
  Yeah.
• 30:20
  Um, then we get into shame and value and it gets deeper to the conversation around, you know, uh, stock is part of the around abundance is the fact that like, I don't maybe deep in my recesses feel like deserve that amount of money or that reward or to have financial freedom and ease.
• 30:40
  It gets, it's heavy stuff.
• 30:43
  And so there are a lot of really great books from Jen Sincero to, um, um, uh,
• 30:48
  Oh, shoot, I'll come to it.
• 30:49
  But there's also a really good money guy on Daily Om.
• 30:52
  You can sign up for his.
• 30:53
  It's like spiritual money class that I think is fantastic that I've recommended to some clients find it very helpful.
• 30:59
  So but my point is like, so one is like a money question.
• 31:03
  Like, how are you money?
• 31:04
  And is the money issue one of the things that's keeping you stuck?
• 31:08
  And where do you want to be with that?
• 31:11
  One of the people who I love talking about wealth and money and abundance and lack of scarcity is Tosha Silver.
• 31:21
  Her book, It's Not Your Money, is phenomenal for this.
• 31:28
  So when I, when I was having a real estate situation, you know, it sounds like a champagne problem, but I was having some stuff happen and, um,
• 31:37
  I was like really, I'll just say tense about it.
• 31:40
  Her books, like I would read a page and I'd be like, okay, okay.
• 31:44
  There you go.
• 31:45
  That's great.
• 31:45
  That reconnoitering of my, you know, the chiropractic adjustment of my attitude and brain.
• 31:50
  So definitely check out Tosha Silver as well.
• 31:53
  That's great.
• 31:54
  But like, so right there, it's like, we just think about like, what are the things that keep us stuck?
• 31:59
  So attached to that is what do you really...
• 32:03
  Deep in the recesses of your mind.
• 32:06
  Think about success and successful people.
• 32:10
  Because some people are like, I aspire to be this.
• 32:12
  But depending on where you are in life and your community and how you're raised and your close friends, do you know any...
• 32:22
  successful, wealthy people that you actually admire.
• 32:26
  Because think about the messages.
• 32:28
  So a lot, so we say certain things, but you have to realize the villain almost always in a Hollywood movie is the guy with the money.
• 32:37
  I was really mad that the, you know, limited series wine trip with, um,
• 32:43
  Oh, you know, those gals that we love.
• 32:47
  Tina Fey, et cetera.
• 32:48
  The friend that was like vilified was the career gal who was successful and always like stopping to take a call.
• 32:55
  And these women who are incredibly successful in real life and run their own businesses created a character that they maligned during the whole trip and shamed her for being successful.
• 33:05
  It's their wholeness.
• 33:09
  all the time.
• 33:10
  So I think that's a heavy thing that we have to stop and like actually so to look for who are you know in a like who are the heroes out there who's whose lives do we admire because right we we see a lot and then inevitably like in the collapse of influencer culture and so many tragedies around but what happens is eventually so many people who've been lifted up and admired for these things we find out oh
• 33:33
  Not so great after all.
• 33:35
  So it all plays deep in the thing going, I say I want that, but I don't really because then I have to be I'm going to become the villain of the piece.
• 33:43
  And I don't want to be that person.
• 33:44
  And I don't want to be, you know, ostracized or shunned.
• 33:47
  I don't want to be that woman who's always on the phone and missing out on family events.
• 33:52
  And we've been taught that, like, there's no middle ground.
• 33:55
  It's true there is.
• 33:56
  It's like you get to choose, you get to write your story.
• 33:59
  This is circling back to what we're talking about.
• 34:01
  And that's a, you have to go through a lot of steps to get to the place, what not, it's one thing we can all say it, but to internalize and actually start to get to the place where you believe you have agency and you are now in the position to write your story.
• 34:15
  in the villain role distinguish between it being just like a successful situation and greed.
• 34:22
  Like greed is really the villain, but I don't think most of us make that discernment.
• 34:28
  Something to think about.
• 34:29
  Barbara, you're a delight.
• 34:31
  How can people work with you and get their stuff cleared out of their brain and get it chiropractically adjusted?
• 34:37
  I love the imagery of that.
• 34:39
  Cause I love a good adjustment.
• 34:41
  Um,
• 34:42
  Um, I am very easy to find and would love to connect and happy to work and discuss and, um, be with people.
• 34:50
  So everything, it's easy to find me through my website, which is able, A-B-E-L, Intermedia, I-N-T-E-R-M-E-D-I-A.com.
• 34:59
  So, uh, Able Intermedia, everything's on there.
• 35:02
  I can be found at Barbara B.
• 35:04
  Able, Barbara Barnable, Instagram, Facebook, Instagram.
• 35:08
  TikTok, you can contact me, but don't look for videos.
• 35:11
  I love to link in with you.
• 35:13
  Love, love, love.
• 35:14
  Barbara Barnable, CPC.
• 35:16
  I love community and connecting with people.
• 35:18
  And I love connecting with you, Siobhan.
• 35:20
  And I'm so happy the Siobhan show is finally here.
• 35:24
  Thank you.
• 35:25
  Thank you so much.
• 35:26
  You are very important in helping me get it together.
• 35:29
  And thank you for helping us with our chiropractic adjustment of our mindset, our brains and expanding the possibilities and perspective.
• 35:39
  So thank you so much, Barbara.
• 35:40
  Thank you.
• 35:42
  So that's a wrap on today's episode.
• 35:44
  Thank you so much for being here.
• 35:45
  It genuinely means everything to me.
• 35:48
  If something in this conversation sparks something for you, share it with a woman or a guy in your life who needs to hear it.
• 35:54
  That's how this show grows.
• 35:56
  That's how we heal the planet together.
• 35:57
  And that's how we really connect.
• 35:59
  For more resources, free tools, and everything we talked about today, head over to sivansarna.com.
• 36:04
  That's S-H-I-V-A-N-S-A-R-N-A dot com.
• 36:09
  It's all there waiting for you.
• 36:10
  And until next time, keep asking the questions, keep finding the answers.
• 36:14
  You deserve the full picture and the very best.
• 36:17
  Namaste.