Latest / Hustle Rebels: Burnout Recovery for Over-Achievers / Why Conflict Feels So Draining: People-Pleasing, Triggers & Your Nervous System

Transcript

Why Conflict Feels So Draining: People-Pleasing, Triggers & Your Nervous System · Hustle Rebels: Burnout Recovery for Over-Achievers

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_00: You know how they say that there are basically different versions of you living in everyone else's head?
• 0:05
  SPEAKER_00: There's the version that your best friend knows you of, there's the version that your partner knows, your co-workers, your family, and well, the lady at the Walgreens pharmacy down the street definitely has a version of me in her head.
• 0:18
  SPEAKER_00: And that version is the bitch.
• 0:20
  SPEAKER_00: And if we're being fair here, I have my own version of her too.
• 0:24
  SPEAKER_00: We do not have a friendly relationship.
• 0:28
  SPEAKER_00: Now, I won't go into all of the details, but let's just say there have been several situations involving a medication that is an absolute bitch to get when it is out of stock.
• 0:39
  SPEAKER_00: It's Adderall.
• 0:40
  SPEAKER_00: There.
• 0:41
  SPEAKER_00: I said it.
• 0:41
  SPEAKER_00: And anyone who takes it knows exactly what I am talking about.
• 0:45
  SPEAKER_00: And if your pharmacy doesn't have it, it's not exactly, oh, okay, I'll just grab it somewhere else.
• 0:50
  SPEAKER_00: Nope, that is not how it works.
• 0:52
  SPEAKER_00: Now you're calling pharmacies.
• 0:54
  SPEAKER_00: You're calling your doctor.
• 0:55
  SPEAKER_00: You're trying to figure out who has it, where you can get it, calling to get the prescription sent somewhere else.
• 1:00
  SPEAKER_00: Because you know, we just can't have a paper prescription anymore.
• 1:03
  SPEAKER_00: And this particular woman has historically been about as forthcoming with information as a CIA operative, secret squirrel shit, as I like to call it.
• 1:14
  SPEAKER_00: Meanwhile, Nick and I are just basically like, we just want our damn meds.
• 1:20
  SPEAKER_00: And I felt like we're being treated like drug addicts trying to pull one over on a local Walgreens.
• 1:26
  SPEAKER_00: Rather than just two normal people attempting to try to pick up our regular prescriptions that our doctor wrote for us.
• 1:33
  SPEAKER_00: She's not even the pharmacist.
• 1:36
  SPEAKER_00: Anyway, I digress.
• 1:38
  SPEAKER_00: Quick interruption before we get into my ongoing Walgreens Cold War.
• 1:43
  SPEAKER_00: If you're listening to the weekly recharge, make sure you subscribe, like, or leave a comment and a review.
• 1:48
  SPEAKER_00: Especially if you've got your own version of a Walgreens lady in your life.
• 1:53
  SPEAKER_00: I'm nosy, I want to hear about it.
• 1:55
  SPEAKER_00: And if you're ready to dig a little deeper, check out the resources that I have in the description below.
• 2:00
  SPEAKER_00: Whether you want to learn how to better regulate your own nervous system or just start questioning some of the shit that's been keeping you stuck in burnout for way too long.
• 2:09
  SPEAKER_00: I've got a few resources down there to help get you started.
• 2:12
  SPEAKER_00: Alright, back to Operation Duncan Peace Treaty.
• 2:15
  SPEAKER_00: So this month I went through the typical hoops.
• 2:18
  SPEAKER_00: Except this time I called and got a little irritated because apparently I had to wait another seven days before I could go pick up the prescription.
• 2:26
  SPEAKER_00: And given our history, I immediately assumed I knew what was happening.
• 2:31
  SPEAKER_00: So I basically said something along the lines of, are you guys just out again or are you not telling me?
• 2:36
  SPEAKER_00: Because if you are, just tell me so I can get it filled somewhere else.
• 2:40
  SPEAKER_00: There is no way that I would have waited an extra seven days last month.
• 2:45
  SPEAKER_00: Except there was in fact a way because I had been out of the fucking country.
• 2:51
  SPEAKER_00: I couldn't have picked it up on time.
• 2:53
  SPEAKER_00: The dates were correct.
• 2:55
  SPEAKER_00: She was correct.
• 2:58
  SPEAKER_00: I was wrong.
• 2:59
  SPEAKER_00: Fuck me.
• 3:00
  SPEAKER_00: And there was something particularly humbling about realizing that the person you have decided is being difficult and usually wrong is not actually being difficult this time.
• 3:12
  SPEAKER_00: So now I have to go back into this pharmacy, a place for my stincer titans every time I walk through the door, because I'm already anticipating this interaction with this woman.
• 3:23
  SPEAKER_00: This woman who remembers my last name, already just seeing my reflection in those mirrors that are up on the ceiling.
• 3:30
  SPEAKER_00: That's where we're at right now.
• 3:33
  SPEAKER_00: And while I was thinking about having to go back there, something dawned on me this time.
• 3:38
  SPEAKER_00: I don't want to be the reason that someone else is having a bad day.
• 3:44
  SPEAKER_00: Not because I need her to like me.
• 3:45
  SPEAKER_00: Frankly, I do not care if she likes me.
• 3:48
  SPEAKER_00: And this isn't some grand realization that I need to become a nicer person so that everybody has this positive experience and opinion of me.
• 3:57
  SPEAKER_00: Fuck that.
• 3:58
  SPEAKER_00: You cannot control the version of you that exists in someone else's head, but you can decide whether you're actively giving them reasons to have a shitty experience with you.
• 4:10
  SPEAKER_00: And this time, I contributed to it.
• 4:13
  SPEAKER_00: So I've decided it's time for a truce.
• 4:16
  SPEAKER_00: Operation Duncan Peace Treaty.
• 4:18
  SPEAKER_00: My plan is to walk into Walgreens with a dozen donuts and a box of Joe from Dunks.
• 4:24
  SPEAKER_00: And basically say, hey, I know I'm a douchebag sometimes.
• 4:29
  SPEAKER_00: This world already sucks enough, and I don't want to make it worse.
• 4:34
  SPEAKER_00: I'm sorry.
• 4:35
  SPEAKER_00: Who doesn't like donuts and coffee?
• 4:37
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, I don't really like donuts and coffee, but most people do, so it's the thought that counts, right?
• 4:44
  SPEAKER_00: But here's the realization that I had while plotting my incredibly sophisticated internal peace negotiation.
• 4:51
  SPEAKER_00: Do you know how much fucking energy it takes to maintain a feud?
• 4:55
  SPEAKER_00: I see her, my body braces, she sees me, for all I know, hers does too.
• 5:00
  SPEAKER_00: Before either one of us has anything to even say, we're anticipating bullshit.
• 5:06
  SPEAKER_00: We're walking into an interaction that we've already expected the other person to be an asshole for.
• 5:12
  SPEAKER_00: And when your brain expects something enough times, your body starts to prepare for it before it's even happening.
• 5:19
  SPEAKER_00: Walgreen's lady equals conflict.
• 5:22
  SPEAKER_00: Pharmacy equals annoyance.
• 5:24
  SPEAKER_00: Her seeing my reflection, preparing for battle.
• 5:27
  SPEAKER_00: At some point you have to ask, am I actually protecting myself here, or have we just both gotten really good at expecting the worst from each other?
• 5:36
  SPEAKER_00: Because those aren't the same thing.
• 5:39
  SPEAKER_00: And neither is apologizing and people pleasing.
• 5:42
  SPEAKER_00: People pleasing would be needing her to like me, tiptoeing around so she doesn't get upset, putting on my fake Mayor McCheese voice and smile, as Nick likes to call it, and pretending to be nice.
• 5:55
  SPEAKER_00: This isn't that.
• 5:57
  SPEAKER_00: This is I don't have to like you to stop contributing to this.
• 6:02
  SPEAKER_00: I can own the part that's mine.
• 6:04
  SPEAKER_00: I can decide I don't want to carry that tension anymore.
• 6:07
  SPEAKER_00: And I can change my side of the interaction without requiring her to change hers.
• 6:14
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe she accepts my donut diplomacy, or she thinks I've officially lost my mind.
• 6:20
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe she takes a Boston cream and continues to hate me.
• 6:23
  SPEAKER_00: It's really none of my business.
• 6:24
  SPEAKER_00: Again, I don't care.
• 6:26
  SPEAKER_00: But I did my best to heal the tension, and that's all that I can control.
• 6:30
  SPEAKER_00: So this week's practice is going to be break the tension.
• 6:35
  SPEAKER_00: Think about that one person that you regularly interact with where there's just tension.
• 6:40
  SPEAKER_00: Not someone that's abusive or someone that you need stronger boundaries with.
• 6:44
  SPEAKER_00: We're not delivering donuts to toxic exes in the name of nervous system regulation.
• 6:50
  SPEAKER_00: I'm talking about the coworker, the neighbor, the bitchy receptionist or that annoying family member.
• 6:56
  SPEAKER_00: You know, the pharmacy employee who knows your last name as soon as they see your reflection in that ceiling mirror.
• 7:03
  SPEAKER_00: And ask yourself, am I protecting myself here?
• 7:06
  SPEAKER_00: Or have we just gotten really good at expecting the worst from each other?
• 7:11
  SPEAKER_00: If it's that second one, see what happens if you interrupt that pattern.
• 7:16
  SPEAKER_00: You don't have to become friends or abandon your boundaries.
• 7:20
  SPEAKER_00: You don't even need them to respond well.
• 7:22
  SPEAKER_00: Just make sure that you're not the reason that their day just got worse.
• 7:27
  SPEAKER_00: As for me, Operation Duncan Peace Treaty is officially underway.
• 7:32
  SPEAKER_00: Will this finally end the Walgreens Cold War?
• 7:35
  SPEAKER_00: Will she see my reflection and still cringe?
• 7:38
  SPEAKER_00: Will I finally be able to pick up my Adderall without my sphincter tightening?
• 7:42
  SPEAKER_00: I have absolutely no idea.
• 7:44
  SPEAKER_00: I still have to pick it up.
• 7:45
  SPEAKER_00: I'll keep you posted.
• 7:47
  SPEAKER_00: And in case you missed last week on Hustle Rebels podcast, I sat down with Robin Godfrey, who started running for 30 seconds at the age of 47 and eventually completed all six world marathon majors.
• 7:59
  SPEAKER_00: But the conversation wasn't really about running.
• 8:02
  SPEAKER_00: We talked about what happens when you stop waiting to feel motivated and start taking ridiculously small actions towards something that actually matters to you.
• 8:12
  SPEAKER_00: Especially when you're burned out, changing careers, rebuilding your identity, and wondering whether it's too late to start something new.
• 8:19
  SPEAKER_00: We also got into the difference between working hard for something that you actually want and sacrificing yourself for a system that really couldn't give two shits about you.
• 8:29
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes you don't need motivation to change your entire life.
• 8:32
  SPEAKER_00: You just need the next 30 seconds.
• 8:35
  SPEAKER_00: So go listen to that full conversation with Robin on Hustle Rebels wherever you get your podcasts, or watch the conversation on YouTube.
• 8:42
  SPEAKER_00: And with that, I am off to attempt my diplomatic relations with Walgreens.
• 8:48
  SPEAKER_00: Wish me luck and see you guys next week.